Motherhood

When does a woman become a mother? Is it from the moment she conceives a child or when she gives birth? I believe life begins at conception. The medical profession seems to define pregnancy as beginning at implantation not conception. Normally most people wouldn't know that they had conceived unless implantation had also taken place. The exception is with IVF. Interestingly enough I looked up the definition of "pregnant" in the dictionary, and it said

"containing a developing embryo, fetus, or unborn offspring within the body." So by this definition I was pregnant in August as there were 3 embryos within my body. I considered myself to be pregnant, and when the test was negative 11 days later, I felt as if I had a miscarriage even though in the eyes of the medical profession I had never been pregnant. As a side note, at every OB appt when they go through the list of questions they either ask for confirmation or state that this is my 2nd pgcy. I wish they wouldn't. I don't like to be reminded of it every single time. In fact it even says it on my kick count chart - they filled in that this is my 2nd pgcy.

Anyhow, back to when does a woman become a mother. I looked "mother" up in the dictionary, and it said "a woman who conceives, gives birth to, or raises and nurtures a child." So this definition does seem to say that motherhood starts at conception. In which case this was my 3rd Mother's Day as a little life was conceived within me in June 2005. I remember TameraRae making that comment last year on the blog that I was indeed a mother already even though there were no children in my home at that time. Since I believe life begins at conception, I do agree on some level that I have been a mother since June 2005, but of course since I've never held a child of my own in my arms, I haven't really felt like a mother. For whatever reason, I feel differently at this point. That time I never even saw my little one on u/s - only b/w and hpts proved his/her existence. This little one I have seen on u/s 5 times so far, and I have felt her move many, many times. It feels more "real."

The reason for my analysis is I could tell that people were defining when someone becomes a mother in different ways at church this morning. Some said to me "Happy Mother-to-be Day," some said "Happy Mother's Day" and specifically commented on how I am a mother NOW (not going to become one in 2 months), and one said "I know I shouldn't say this, but Happy Mother's Day." I felt like she was saying you're not a mother yet, but I want to wish you a happy Mother's Day anyhow. Well I think I am a mother now, and in reality I have been a mother for almost 3 years. This feels like my first Mother's Day. Other moms (like Jo) consider their first Mother's Day to be the first one they celebrate after having given birth even if they were pregnant during the previous year's Mother's Day. Well either way, I had a lovely Mother's Day this year as my daughter kicked within me. Paul's parents gave me a card at our lunch yesterday so I have 3 cards to treasure for years to come.

Speaking of definitions, I was reading on Dani's blog about a contest NBC's "The Today Show" has been running in which they had five categories of "moms." One was called "Non-mom Mom" and was defined as "Grandparent, stepmom, or mom to adopted children, each one raising and loving a child." WHAT?!?!?! I think this is incredibly insulting to those who become REAL moms by adopting a child. How are they ANY less a mom than one who gives birth??? Unbelievable. If we ever adopt, I hope no one ever asks me about my child's "real mom." If I adopt, I am the REAL mom. Since when does the term "real" equal "biological"????

Prior to having lunch, we did a little shopping as Paul had told me on my bday that my other gift was a stock pot (to replace ours which has seen better days). He had shopped for one at the mall near our house, but they only sold them in sets with other pots/pans not individually. So we went to the Boscov's down where we used to live and got a stock pot. While we were there I had to see if they had any bargains on infant clothing. I must admit I feel a little delinquent as currently I own very little clothing for our girl who is due in just 9 weeks, and some of what I own is for the future like 2 Christmas dresses for example. I have been told not to buy clothing until after my baby showers as I'll get a lot of clothing then and after the showers then I'll know what I still need to purchase. I agree this makes sense, but as one who usually plans ahead, it feels hard to wait until what feels like the "last minute." But I restrained myself and only bought two items - a short sleeved onesie for this summer (the message on it cracked me up!) and a long sleeve OshKosh shirt for the winter (6 months). The total for the 2 items was $5.98 (original prices totaled $29). When I walk around the store and see all the adorable clothing, I feel like a kid in a candy factory. It's going to be a LOT of fun to go shopping once it is time to do so! I think my two favorite things to purchase right now are clothes for my daughter and books for my daughter. Right now she owns FAR more books than clothing, LOL!!!

Well today is the start of my one week off before the summer session starts. Saturday I did a lot of work on preparing for the course this summer and also started working on the syllabi for my fall courses. I have decided though that I want to make this a relaxing week. I am sure I will get more work done. I'd have to go away somewhere to really take the whole week off, but I want to not feel as "driven" to cross things off my to do list as I usually am. Nothing has to be completed this week. I checked out 2 books from the church library yesterday (novels), and I hadn't read the one I checked out last Sunday. So that is an example of how I want to spend my time this week - reading fiction. :-) I have a Christian Education board mtg at 4:30 at church and then handbells at 6:30, but I plan to stay home up until that point. Paul will also probably be at home this week as his advisor is on vacation in NC. He plans to work on starting to write his thesis as well as studying for his comps which he will take in 2 weeks. So it will be nice to have more time with my hubby this week. :-)

I will close with the words of Annie, "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow. You're only a day away." I wonder what I might be looking forward to tomorrow? LOL!

Happy Mother's Day!

The words "happy" and "Mother's Day" have not gone together for me for more than 10 years. This year is very different! My daughter is kicking within me and will be in my arms in a few weeks! I have received my first 3 Mother's Day cards. The first came from Millie (sil), the second was an e-card from Donna (friend from church), and the third was from Paul. The first two were for an expectant mother. Paul's was for a mother. I made a comment about the card saying I'm a wonderful (wife and) mother, and Paul said something like I'm taking good care of my daughter now while she's inside me. I guess some might say next Mother's Day will be my first, but I agree with Paul that I already feel like a mother now. :-) Today we are going to have lunch with Paul's parents, grandmother, brother, sister-in-law, niece, and nephew as we celebrate Mother's Day and Millie's bday. I have often skipped church on Mother's Day the last several years, but those days are now behind me. :-) I was supposed to play the piano in the 10:45 service today, but I found a replacement as it's a 1 hour drive from church to where we're having lunch with Paul's family. I am going to the 8:00 service instead. I will say my church is more sensitive than most as they honor all women on Mother's Day, not just mothers. Kudos to them for that! Well to all you moms out there - Happy Mother's Day!

Surprise!

Today as I was driving to Perkins to have lunch with my department, I didn't know I was driving to my first baby shower!! The undergraduate commencement is this afternoon, and most of our department is participating. I opted not to as I didn't think I could make it through the ceremony without going to the bathroom. We had scheduled our end of the year luncheon for 12:30 prior to graduation. When I got to Perkins, I saw there was a baby balloon at the table. :-) I was the 4th person to arrive. When the other 9 arrived (they came together by van), Charles (my dept chair) presented me with a card which was signed by 12 profs and 2 secretaries and included a $100 gift card to Babies R Us! Part way through the meal the waitress brought out a cake. They sang to me when the cake was brought out (using the Happy Birthday tune, LOL). They teased me a little that I ordered such a cheap meal ($5.01 including tax) as that was part of the surprise - they were paying for my lunch. We had a cold front go through so I was wearing a long sleeve (non-maternity) shirt with maternity pants as it's only in the 50's today. Hopefully I looked okay in the photos. I'd have dressed differently had I known the luncheon was also a baby shower! It will be fun to shop using this gift card! :-)

One bittersweet thing about this card (which is definitely a "keeper!") is that one professor who signed the card passed away last night. It's kind of strange to receive a card signed by someone who is no longer alive. Her office was right beside mine. The last time I saw her was last week when we were conducting interviews. She died from a blood clot. I think she was about 65 years old. She was the one who wrote my tenure report (at the dept level) a few months ago.

30 Weeks!

As of tomorrow I'll be in single digits in terms of how many weeks left until the EDD as it's 10 weeks today which means it will be 9 weeks (+ 6 days) tomorrow! YAHOOO! If she comes "on time" we're 3/4 of the way there! I am hoping she'll come a little early so I am hoping there are maybe only say 8 weeks left til her grand arrival. :-) I am very excited about the u/s in only 4 days as I've gone 6 weeks w/o seeing her! Of course it's been MUCH easier to go these 6 weeks than it was from the 10w to 20w u/s because I feel her moving so many times a day. I bought some almond oil last night and plan to apply it twice a day (have done so twice thus far). I figure if Lucia managed to carry twins w/o any stretch marks that is a very strong endorsement IMHO! Hopefully I will also escape having any of those red lines on my belly.

Last night at 10pm I finished grading all the exams, papers, and projects from my four classes (119 students). Today I plan to finish grading everything from my one grad student who did 3 independent studies with me. I already finished one this morning, but then I had to go on campus for an unexpected meeting with a student (my Dean called me last night at home to set this up). It turns out I'll be doing an independent study during summer session 2 (while I am at home with our little girl), but I think it will work out okay as it won't be too much to grade the papers, quizzes, and exams for just ONE student in ONE class those 6 weeks. Anyhow, it will be a great feeling when all the grading is done! I've already entered the final semester grades for 6 of the 8 courses.

As far as earning tenure (since Jo asked), it seems to be only used in academic settings although there are other positions which have just as much job security (such as Supreme Court justices). Public school teachers (K-12) work towards earning tenure within usually the first 3-5 years of their employment. At the university level some positions are tenure track and others are not. The trend is that universities are moving towards a smaller percentage of positions being tenure track. If you enter a tenure track position and do not earn tenure (typically the probationary period is 5-7 years at the university level), then you are fired. This is in part where the expression "publish or perish" comes into play. At some universities tenure is fairly automatic if you have decent student and peer evaluations. At other schools many are denied tenure for a variety of reasons, particularly inadequate scholarship (which primarily refers to publications and procuring grant funding). If I hadn't earned tenure, then this next year would have been my last at this university. Three of the profs Paul has had in the last 2 years are going up for tenure in the fall, and so he was recently contacted by the administration to write an evaluation of each of them as a part of their tenure review process. Now that I am tenured it means it would be very, very hard to fire me (not that I've ever been fired from any job and I've never had tenure before). Hopefully soon I'll get the letter from the President which says I am also being promoted to Associate Professor!

Yesterday a student brought me a baby gift! How sweet was that! I have to say this is the second gift I have received from a college student (not counting from a GA) in the past 5 1/2 years I've been a professor. The first was the cake a couple of weeks ago. When I taught grades 5-8 it was very common to receive gifts especially at Christmas but also some around my birthday and/or at the end of the school year. The most common gifts were coffee mugs (which was ironic since I don't drink tea or coffee), candles, and body lotion. I still got some gifts each year as a principal, but not as many as when I was a teacher. However I went 5 years w/o any as a professor; I have received maybe about 2 cards on average. I do not mean to sound like I am complaining. I never gave a gift or card to any of my college professors! I am just saying that receiving baby gifts if I had been pg while a middle school teacher or a principal would have been more "expected" but receiving one as a college professor totally caught me by surprise! ;-) The pjs she gave me have little lady bugs on them and are size 3 months.

TENURED!

I wasn't on campus yesterday, but evidently if I had been I would have received a letter from the President stating that I had earned tenure. I say this because last night I received an email from the Dean congratulating me on earning tenure. :-) I was fully expecting this result ever since I started the application process last fall, but still it's really nice knowing it's now official! I've actually only been here for 4 years, but I was allowed to count one year of my time at Kutztown towards my probationary period. Since my experience from 1992-2002 was all in private schools who don't give tenure, this is actually my first time ever earning tenure. There's no pay raise involved with tenure; it just means I don't have to be evaluated so often (the past 5 years I've had to do student evaluations in every class, an evaluation by my dept chair once a year, and peer evaluations twice a semester), and I don't have to submit another performance review for 5 years (whereas I've done 6 since 2003). It also means my job is very secure - maybe too secure. I say that because people joke that unless you commit murder you can't be fired. I think that's tenure gone too far!

Yesterday I finished grading those projects I had been grading for 8 days. What a relief! I also graded 16 of the exams from Tuesday night which means I've now graded 83 exams this week. This morning I have a meeting at a school district at 8:30 and then am giving my last final exam for the semester at 10:30. Including the exams that will be taken then, I have 36 left to grade. I really feel I can grade those today. I also hope to grade the projects and exams from a grad student who was taking 9 credits of independent study coursework with me. She sent me most of her work over the past week. Once I grade her work, I will be done grading (at least until the summer class starts in 11 days, LOL). I have to admit grading papers is not my favorite part of my job, but I must say I am also very grateful that I have a Graduate Assistant who helps me with grading so I usually don't do it all on my own (although I have been on my own last week and this week).

Paul turned in his paper yesterday, and his grade for Inorganic (in which he had his final exam on Monday) was already posted (another A for my dh). He also scheduled his comprehensive exam with his advisor yesterday (last week of May). Now he needs to start writing his thesis! I was thinking about his PhD applications, and we never heard one way or the other from Duquesne or Carnegie Mellon. I guess some schools only send acceptance letters and not also rejection letters? I am proud of him though that he was accepted at 4 of the 6 places he applied! The other ironic thing is that of the 6 schools, the 2 that are ranked the lowest nationally (as in not even in the top 100) are Duquesne and Lehigh. I think it's rather odd that he would be accepted at schools ranked rather high on the list (Pitt and PSU for example) and not accepted by those not even ON the list. PSU was our first choice; so we are just very grateful that he was accepted there. Now if we could only have someone make an offer on our house so we could move somewhat closer!

I think that the iron supplements must be raising my iron level as I have definitely noticed an improvement in my energy level the last few days. The bloodwork which showed I was anemic was drawn on 3/31, and I wasn't told about the anemia until 4/28. I wish they had told me sooner. I now am only needing 8 hours of sleep at night and haven't had a nap in a few days either. Better late than never I guess! Only 5 more days til we get to see our little sweetheart again! Yesterday she was quite the little gymnast. It felt like she was moving nonstop All Day Long. She's definitely positioned parallel with my spine. As of tomorrow, I'll be officially 3/4 of the way through this pgcy! I hope the last few weeks just fly right by!

Easy come, easy go

Well it turns out that box of 35 books that came to my office last week wasn't really for me. My name was on the address label, and there wasn't any paperwork inside the box. It turns out it was for a student organization (of which I am the advisor). So I guess the adage of too good to be true applies here. Well I still have quite the growing collection for her thanks to cheap (but not free) books from Ollies and such.

I got a lot of grading done yesterday so as of right now I think I am down to only 12 more projects to grade. WOOHOO! I plan to finish grading those and also grade the essay exams from last night. One student took over 2 hours so I didn't get home until after 9pm last night. Thankfully I don't have to go anywhere today. I will spend most of the day on my couch grading papers. Paul didn't end up going to school yesterday because for a couple of hours his paper vanished. He had finished it and asked me to edit it (for run-ons and such). I finished and clicked save. Then he noticed that my editing had separated a diagram from its caption. So I resized the diagram and then clicked save again and when I did it disappeared. He had been working on it for a week and had only saved it to his flash drive, but there was no sign of it on his flash drive. We spent 2 hours trying to recover it, and thankfully we were successful in recovering the version that was just before I had proofread it. So I proofread it again, and we saved it multiple places. That was a very stressful 2 hours for Paul as he said there was no way he could have rewritten it by today (when it's due). Thankfully he didn't have to rewrite it!!!

This morning Paul felt her kick, and he was surprised at how much stronger her movements are than when he first felt her kick a few weeks ago. She has been really active this week. In about two months she might be in my arms!! If the placenta previa situation has been resolved, then I plan on trying to bring on labor once we enter July. I would love it if she'd come about 2 weeks early so that I could have more time at home with her before the fall semester starts the end of August. If the previa still is an issue, I am hoping they'll agree to schedule the c-section early as well. I figure 37 weeks is considered full term. I'll be at 37w on June 27 so I figure early July would be wonderful. We shall see if she cooperates, LOL. Plus I figure if I have her a couple of weeks early she might be a little smaller (and thus easier to deliver!).

Yesterday I got a article rejection letter, but it actually was very encouraging. That sounds like an oxymoron, but truly it was the nicest rejection letter I ever received. The 3 reviewers had 6 options for recommendations from #1 definitely accept to #6 innapropriate for JECTE (the journal). One picked #2 (accept with minor revisions), one picked #4 revise and resubmit, and one at first marked #3 and then changed to #4. All three had VERY positive comments such as "this is a professional research article," "easy to read and interesting," and "rich presentation of research base." The editor said that the "quality of your scholarship was high," and "we feel that is very close to being publishable in our journal." So I will add revising and resubmitting this manuscript to my "to do" list of things I'd like to accomplish prior to her arrival. I am quite encouraged that this will likely become my 7th refereed article in 4 years!!! There is one other manuscript that has been under review for several months that I haven't heard about yet. Now I just would like to receive the letters from the President regarding tenure and promotion. It seems I am already getting off to a good start towards the publications that will be needed if I ever decide to go up for Full Professor (highest rank). :-)

First Card!

Today I received my very first Mother's Day card! I had given Paul a Father's Day card in 2005, but that pgcy didn't begin until after Mother's Day so I had never received one before. Anyhow, in the mail today I received a beautiful card for a "mother-to-be" from my sister-in-law. I am going to be keeping this card for a very long time. Mother's Day has been a very difficult day for me emotionally for quite awhile - long before we started ttc 6 years ago. This year it will be a very happy day for me! I am sure it will seem even more real to me next year when I have a daughter I can hold in my arms on Mother's Day, but what a thrill to have a little girl kicking inside me this year! At this time last year I was very, very, very discouraged. We had been contracted with Lifetime for 2 1/2 years to no avail, and our dossiers were in Ukraine, but we started to realize they would likely expire before they were submitted to the SDA. We weren't pursuing any fertility treatments at that time. This year I am very, very, very excited to be counting down the weeks and days until I get to hold my child in my arms and give her lots of hugs and kisses.

Speaking of Lifetime, I received a thick packet in the mail yesterday from the BBB that contained Lifetime's response to my complaint. The BBB has asked that I respond by 5-12. I do plan to respond, but this will be the last time I continue this process with the BBB. It just stirs up too much anxiety and frustration within me to think about it. I want to put it behind me and think about it as little as possible as it's not a pleasant topic by any stretch of the imagination. I can't think of any decision I've made in my entire life that I regret more than the one we made when we signed a contract with them in 2004. I'm dubious anything will come about as a result of my complaint, but I felt I needed to make at least some small attempt to try to help prevent someone else from going through what we have with them.

As for the grading, I now have 40 done and only 28 to go, and I plan to grade more before I head back to school to give my third exam at 6:30pm. I have graded 67 of 121 exams, but those were done by machine and the rest are essay exams that will take a lot longer to grade. Tomorrow I don't have any appts so I am hoping I can make a LOT more progress with grading. Paul is finishing writing a paper that is due tomorrow. I think he's going to submit it today. Then he's done with the requirements for the spring semester and "all" he has left between now and the end of July are to take his physical chemistry comprehensive exam and to write and defend his thesis. That will keep him very busy! He starts at PSU on August 4th. He'll probably get about one week off in between when he finishes his master's and starts his PhD. Well speaking of grading I should get back to that! :-)

8 more days

until the next ultrasound! I am looking forward to seeing her again. Paul hasn't seen her since 20w; he will be able to come to this 30w one. I am hoping that the placenta is no longer on or near the cervix. I had been encouraged that I have felt her move much higher up, but lately it seems like she's been lying parallel to my spine with her feet up high and her head down low. I say that because sometimes I feel movement down low and up high which I assume means I am feeling hands and feet at the same time. Sometimes though she does seem to be lying the other direction as I feel hands and feet simultaneously on each side of my belly. Yesterday she was SUPER active in the morning. She was kicking me almost nonstop during the 2 services when the choir performed the cantata as well as during Sunday School in between. A few times it hurt because she kicked a rib!

Paul is taking his inorganic final exam right now. I gave one exam this afternoon and will give two tomorrow and one on Thursday, and I am still grading the projects from last week. I think as of right now I have 32 done and 36 to go. In light of the grading and how tired I am, I am not going to handbells this evening. The choir cantata went really well; it was a real treat to see my mom out there in the congregation at both services. She left MD at 4:15am in order to come to the first service! I am sure she was very tired when she got home about 13 hours later. It was great to have lunch with her also. :-)

Belly Button

Well I haven't been able to see my belly button for awhile, but on Friday I happened to look in the mirror while I was getting dressed and noticed that it looks very stretched out. I told Paul it might be popping out sometime in the coming weeks, and he looked rather horrified at that possibility, LOL. I don't think he realized an "innie" can become an "outie" during pgcy! :-) I have noticed also that other women get these red stretch marks on their bellies during pgcy. I have some white ones since the 2nd tri, but no red ones yet and frankly I don't mind if I never get them. We shall see what happens these last 10 weeks. It's funny because now MOST people seem to be able to tell I am pg (surprisingly it's still not 100%), but pretty much everyone guesses I am not as far along as I am. They'll look at me and ask "are you due in Sept or Oct" or something like that, or when I tell them I'm due in July they'll say something like I don't look big enough to be due that soon. As badly as I wanted to be showing in the beginning of the pgcy, I have to say I have no desire to be "really big" at this point. I am fine with my belly being on the smaller side if it happens to stay that way. I think it's in part due to the fact I have a long torso. I am 5'7" but my height is in my torso not my legs (I can wear petite size pants). I'm content that I do "look pg." I am uncomfortable enough with this size belly and can imagine I'd only be more uncomfortable with a bigger belly. I am not trying to win any contests for the biggest pg belly. It's funny though bc most people I see each week know how far along I am so I haven't gotten that type of comment very often, but I was deluged with those comments on Thursday night at the CPR class, Friday during the day at the grant meeting, and Friday night at the faculty social.

On Friday night each table had one chair that had a red stone taped to it, and that person got to take home a small box of Godiva chocolates. I sat in one of those seats! :-) There was a chemistry prof (Eric) there whose wife is pg, and she also won the prize at her table. Someone made a comment that it was good that the pg women were winning the chocolate. :-) When we were chatting with them, Eric said how they had tried to have a baby due in May, but that didn't happen (this is their 2nd child - their firstborn is 2 years old). I didn't say a word. I didn't know what to say. Of course he has no idea we started trying for our baby 6 years ago. I have no clue how to respond to someone who is disappointed that the EDD is 3-4 months later than they "planned" when mine is 5+ years later.

My hectic schedule last week caught up with me yesterday. I came home from choir rehearsal and was set to start grading and I just couldn't keep my eyes open so I slept for an hour on the couch. I woke up and did some grading and about 3 hours later was back asleep again for another hour. Then I only managed to stay up for about 2 more hours and was in bed before 8pm. So I didn't get nearly as much grading done as I had hoped. I think I'm at 13 done and 55 to go or something like that. Hopefully this afternoon/evening I can make a LOT more progress. However, I must have needed the sleep. I am also not sure how long it takes for the iron supplements to "cure" the anemia. I've only been on them for about 3 days.

29 Weeks!

I am sooo happy that now we are down to only 11 more weeks til her EDD. YAHOO! Last night we went to a 2 hour adult/child/infant CPR class which also went over how to help someone when choking as well as how to use an AED. It made for a very, very long day for me, but I am glad we had this training *just in case* she ever needs us to use any of the techniques we learned last night. We both had CPR training in the past, but it had been a long time, and the guidelines had changed since we were last trained.

Today is another hectic day. I need to leave by 7:40am and won't get back until about 4:00pm. I'll be home about 2 hours before we head to the faculty social. Then tomorrow morning I need to leave at 8am for choir rehearsal, and Sunday morning I'll need to leave about 7:00am as we are doing the cantata in both services (8:00 and 10:45). My mom is coming up to the 2nd service which is soooo sweet of her. We're taking her to lunch at Perkins after the 2nd service before she heads back to MD (she's driving over 6 hours RT to come to my cantata!). The difficulty with this hectic schedule this week is that I received 68 BIG projects to grade on Monday. I had thought I'd have plenty of time to grade them this week, but when I made the syllabus for the semester I didn't know we'd be conducting interviews all day on Wed & Thurs and I'd be in a grant mtg all day on Fri (and picking a candidate up from the airport on Tues). I have only graded 7 so far. I really wanted to have all of them graded by Sunday night, but there is no way that's going to happen. Anyhow about every waking minute I have in between my other obligations is going to need to be used for grading over the next several days as starting on Monday I'll also have final exams to grade.