FET schedule

Well the head nurse called me back a few minutes ago, and she said if we lengthen this cycle I can have the FET on November 1 or 2 (which day just depends on the Doctor's schedules not me - there is a new RE joining Dr. Awad in September and she doesn't know if they will do FET on Fridays or not; this last year Dr. A has done all FET on Thursdays but previously when there were two RE's they did them on Fridays). I am to start the bcp tomorrow and stay on the active pills (I will need more than one pack) until early October (probably about October 4). So this cycle will be about 50 days long, but that's fine by me. I will then start the Lupron up again on October 1 and have my baseline b/w and u/s on October 15 and start the estradiol valerate injections that day as well (I've never had that one before and it's an intramuscular inj). Then on October 29 I'll have another u/s to make sure my lining is thick enough, and then the transfer will be on either Nov 1 or 2. We'll know about a week later if I am pg or not. I have done the calculations, and if this FET doesn't work (I pray it does!!!), I should still be able to do another ER in early January in Chicago. Of course I hope and pray that's not necessary. I am not going to ask again if this clinic will let us do the b/w and u/s locally if we do ivf #2 in Chicago until we find out if this FET worked or not. I could easily start second guessing myself as to whether this is the right decision or not, but I think I just need to set all that debate aside and just go with this. If it works, this is the least draining physically, financially, and emotionally. So there will be about exactly 3 months in between the first and second ET.

I wish...

that my RE used a simpler FET protocol. I just read another woman who is also having a FET of just one frozen blast (left over from a successful IVF transfer a few years ago). She has to be on estrogen patches starting on cd1 and then starts the PIO shots 2 days before transfer. Sigh...that would be so much nicer. Only about 10 days of shots if BFN instead of more than 6 weeks of daily injections which is what I am looking at. She made one good point also about whether to do the FET first or not - the storage fees. This is true. We are paying $29 a month to store our one embryo starting this month so that's another reason to pay the $1,600 and do the FET sooner rather than later.

Talked to Paul

Paul agreed that in light of the better than average thaw rate and the cost being a little lower than we thought, we should do the FET first - IF we can do it in October (so that we could do the 2nd ivf in Dec/Jan if this FET doesn't work). She never called back; so I left a message this evening after talking with Paul. I told her we did want to do the FET but that we want to do it in October. I told her I am traveling in November which is true. I am going to Chicago in early November for a conference and then traveling to Maryland around Thanksgiving as my sister and her family who live in Turkey and I haven't seen since May 2006 will be in MD. The other reason (which I didn't state) was that we want to make sure it will still be possible to do fresh #2 when we can get the tax deduction for it. Paul also said that if FET doesn't work we should really try to get them to allow us to do the b/w and u/s there. He said we should talk to the RE ourselves (as he seems far more flexible than the head nurse), and if he says "no" we should talk to our insurance. They do pay for the b/w and u/s and it's really going to start to make the process unaffordable for us if we have to pay an additional $1,400 for those services that normally we pay about $50 for especially if we have also just paid for this FET. So hopefully she will call me back tomorrow and will have figured out a way we can have a transfer in October (I told her I was willing to go on the bcp or whatever it would take to slow things down or speed them up - whatever they need so I can have a transfer sometime in October). So hopefully she will come up with a way for that to work. I asked her to call me on my cell phone either before 8am or after 11am (since I teach in between 8-11). So that's the plan for now. If she won't agree to that then we'll probably do the fresh cycle before the FET.

Tough decision

I am going to give a warning that likely this will be a long post!!!

Well we met with the RE this morning. Paul suggested we go out to breakfast prior to our appointment. We both enjoy a hot breakfast and very rarely have one. So we went to Cracker Barrel before our appointment, and I said to Paul let's make sure we have our questions ready that we want to ask the RE. Well as we started to talk about it I almost starting crying, and so I asked that we change the topic so I wouldn't be crying in public. Then we went to the RE and after sitting in the waiting room they had us sit in an exam room while we were waiting for the RE to call us back to his office. It was really hard for me to sit there. I did cry a little and felt like bawling my eyes out. I sat staring at that ultrasound screen and thought how I have had more than 50 ultrasounds in this very room and none of them were the happy kind where we saw a gestational sac or a heartbeat or anything on the screen. I even had several ultrasounds in that room during my brief pregnancy in 2005, but the only thing they could see in the uterus was the corpus luteum. Anyhow it was tough.

Then we went back to talk to the doctor. He said I stimulated very well (26 eggs) and to have 18 mature eggs was excellent. He said the quality of our embyros was outstanding. I said that most clinics seem to use an A, B, C type rating scale and how would ours be rated. He said they use a scale of 1-4 (four being the best) and he said 3 of our embryos were "fours." I was surprised. I expected him to say they were "threes." He said the other 4 embryos were a mix of "twos" and "threes." He said the worst part of our cycle was that we had such a low fertilization rate. He said it might be a problem of egg quality. I guess my age is already a factor. He said if I hadn't stimulated so well and produced so many eggs he would not advise us to ever do another fresh ivf cycle but would advise using donor eggs. He said he frequently advises couples to use donor eggs but was not recommending that for us since #1 I produced so many eggs that even with a low fertilization rate we still had 7 embyros and he said many couples don't have 7 embryos that make it to the 3rd day and since #2 we had such high quality embryos. He said many couples our age have only very poor embyros (all ones and twos). So he wouldn't recommend donor eggs for us.

Personally, I still feel like they must not do a great job at picking the best sperm for ICSI. For example the clinic in IL advertises an 85% fertilization rate with ICSI. This clinic told us their average with ICSI is 50% and in our case it was 39%. The fact that this clinic's average fert rate is much lower makes me think that likely if we did ivf/icsi elsewhere that our fert rate would be higher than 39%. He said it could have been a fluke and if we did ivf again at their clinic it might be higher than 39% the next time.

Paul asked him about assisted hatching. It's funny because 2 weeks ago that was high on my list to talk with the RE about but I totally forgot about it this morning so I am glad Paul remembered. We were VERY strongly leaning toward wanting AH done on our one embryo if we did a FET. Well he was VERY opposed to the idea - thought there was a greater risk of damaging it. Well that again to me shows the quality of this clinic as most clinics seem to do AH on everyone and I am sure they wouldn't do it if they thought there was a high risk it might damage the embryo. He said if we did another fresh transfer at 3 days he would recommend doing AH, but he was not recommending doing AH on a 6 day blast.

I asked him what their thaw rate was. He said it was higher than 90% for blasts. I said but the national average is 50%? He said that some freeze the embyros at day 3. He said if we had frozen the other 4 embryos at day 3 then yes likely 50% or less would have survived the thaw, but since we only froze a 6 day blast he said it was very close to 100% chance that it would survive the thaw and be able to be transferred.

I asked him what happened to the other 3 that weren't frozen. I admit I was nervous that maybe they had still been alive but not made it to blast and been destroyed. I really, really, really didn't want any of our embyros destroyed. I was very, very, very relieved when he told me they had already stopped growing on their own. He said none of those 3 even made it to the morula stage (which they are supposed to get to on day 4) let alone the blastocyst stage. So I am very glad to hear that their deaths were of natural causes so to speak.

Then we talked to one of the nurses. She explained their FET protocol. Ugh. It involves more shots than most FET protocols do. I come in on day 21. If my progesterone is at least 3 then I start the Lupron shots and continue on those for 10-14 days. If my progesterone is less than 3 (which it would be if I hadn't ovulated yet) then I take Provera for several days and then start the Lupron shots. Then I have my baseline u/s and b/w. Then I am on Lupron for an additional two weeks during which time I also will have two estrogen shots a week (intramuscular). Then I will have another u/s to make sure my lining is thick enough. If it is then I stop the Lupron and start the PIO injections 5 days before the transfer. So it's going to be about the same amount of shots as last time although there aren't any FSH shots (and I had 21 of those last time). We asked her if we could do the u/s and b/w here if we did an IVF cycle in another state. She said she wasn't sure, and we'd have to check with the head nurse.

As we walked out we talked about it and although we both went into the appointment thinking we were strongly leaning toward doing a fresh cycle first, we both left a little more undecided. The RE was very hopeful that this FET might result in a pregnancy. The fact that they have a 90%+ thaw rate definitely swayed our thinking some. I said to him but isn't the FET success rate much lower than the fresh one? He said that in his mind 3 embyros transferred at 3 days had as much chance of success as 1 high quality blast transferred at 6 days. He feels our chance at pgcy is equal although of course the chance for multiples is now extremely low (only an identical twin is possible which is rare when AH isn't used). He viewed that as a "plus" although I don't necessarily feel that way. He said the most blasts he allows to be transferred in a woman under the age of 40 is two so we are talking about transferring one instead of two rather than one instead of three. He did a pretty good job at making us feel like there was a reasonable chance of success with this one frozen embryo.

Once I realized that u/s and b/w were part of the process, I figured that likely our total cost would drop. So I called the financial lady this afternoon and she said yes the breakdown is $750 for monitoring and $1,500 for the transfer. So we would get reimbursed about $700 from our insurance so likely we are talking about (including meds) $1,600 total cost instead of $2,300. Paul doesn't know that yet. Finding that out definitely was swaying my opinion even farther toward doing the FET first. If this FET would work it would be much cheaper than doing a fresh cycle + a FET. Of course if it doesn't work doing another fresh plus 2 FETs is more expensive - but this clinic charges $1,500 whereas Chicago charges $2,900 plus we'd have to pay to have our one frozen embie shipped which would cost at least $200. So it's not really like we'd pay for two FETs at the Chicago price but rather sort of 1 1/2. So at that point I was leaning toward saying YES to doing the FET.

So then I called the head nurse to make sure our dates were falling in their "up" time for doing transfers (they have what they call up and down weeks as far as when they are and aren't doing ER and ET). The nurse we spoke to at the office made it sound like it was rarely a problem - only if Dr. Shabanowitz (who is in charge of the lab and not our RE) was going to be away at a conference or something. Well that didn't prove to be true. The head nurse said it wouldn't work to start the Lupron in 10 days or so because whether I need Provera or not - either way my date of transfer would fall in a down week. I was sooo deflated by that news. I don't know why but when I heard that I almost broke into tears. You might think I cry all the time, but trust me - in a typical year I probably cry about once about something unrelated to adoption/ttc. I am not one who often cries much. And frankly I haven't cried much about ttc the last couple of years. I used to cry EVERY time I realized I wasn't pg. Anyhow it was frustrating to realize we can't do the FET in October. I know some women who have done a FET within 3 weeks of finding out the fresh IVF didn't work. This clinic has you wait at least 8 weeks and now it's looking like it will be at least 13-14 weeks.

Then I asked her if we could do the u/s and b/w there but have the results faxed to a clinic in another state and that office would call me with the med instructions and we'd fly out there for the ER and ET. She said typically they do not allow this, but she could ask the RE if he'd give us special permission to have the u/s and b/w done there. They still will get paid over $1,000 for those services. Why would they say no??? I guess they don't want to make it easier for you to take your business elsewhere. Well I have been going to this clinic for over 3 years and still not pg. Of course I haven't gone there every month, but I have done 6 inj cycles with them and now also 1 ivf. If they say "no" then this increases the cost of doing IVF in Chicago by $1,400 plus means I need to stay out there an additional 10 days or so.

So I guess in light of the better than average thaw rate PLUS the fact that the cost of the FET just dropped $700 (we'd have to pay $2,250 up front but eventually we'd get $700 back just like we paid $8,200 for the IVF and I'm expecting to get about $1,000 back eventually) I am now leaning toward doing the FET first. The curve ball in all of this is that in light of not being able to do an October FET, I don't think a fresh ivf in Dec/Jan will be possible if we aren't doing the FET until November. If we had done the FET in October and it didn't work, we still could have done a fresh IVF in Dec/Jan. I am not sure if it's possible now. I guess first I need to find out when is the soonest I could do a FET if we did that first. It really is a big advantage to pay for the fresh ivf in 2007 if we're ever going to do another fresh ivf. It saves us about $2,000. Of course we would get the tax savings from the FET so actually that would drop the cost another about $400 so maybe true out of pocket expense for the FET after subtracting what we'd save in a tax deduction would be about $1,200.

So bottom line is that *at the moment* I am leaning toward doing the FET first even though we only have one blast. If we had two, I would not have even given it a moment's thought. I would have been 100% sure I wanted to do the FET first. But I know one little girl who was a student in the school where I was principal who was the result of IVF. Her mom did a fresh cycle and transferred three embryos back and lost all three. They only had one frozen embyro and transferred that one back and it resulted in a healthy pgcy. So maybe we will have a similar result? Who knows. I know the odds are not in our favor. I know that although he tried to make it sound really hopeful, I know the odds are probably at best 30% that it will work. That's this clinic's success rate for fresh cycles for my age so it's certainly not higher than that.

I just went online and looked up the stats for the clinic. I included the thawed (non-donor) transfers for women under age 35 PLUS those age 35-37. For those two age brackets from 2003-2005 they had a 25% pgcy rate per transfer with an average # of embryos transferred rate between 2-3 (which contradicts what he told me today that they only transfer 2 blasts at a time). But I guess I'm willing to pay $1,200 for a 25% chance that this embyro will finally lead to me seeing a heartbeat on an ultrasound screen.

The nurse hasn't called me back yet as far as when we could do the FET since we can't do it in October, and of course I need to talk with Paul. But my feeling at the moment is that probably we'll do the FET. The one big downside to doing this first, is that I have a gut feeling that I might never do another fresh cycle if we do this FET now in part because of the fact it's going to cost about $2K more to do it in another tax year and in part because I am not hopeful that they will allow us to do the u/s and b/w here which adds $1,400 to the cost of another fresh cycle. So I really hope and pray this little blast STICKS!!! Sorry I was so verbose...

Touching card

Today in the mail I got a card that all the members of the handbell choir signed on Monday night. It was extremely touching. They aren't readers of my blog so it's not like they read my previous post, but it almost seemed like they had. There were no "annoying" comments. Several of them referred to it as our loss. That meant the world to me to have that acknowledged that way. For example, one wrote, "Please know I am praying for you a for the Lord to comfort you as only He can. My heart aches for you. These words seem so shallow, but please know I cry." Those words are NOT shallow. The compassion expressed in those words was very, very touching. This card I will definitely save. I have already read the individual comments each member wrote several times. I had saved a couple of sympathy cards I got in 2005, and the only card I got this time was the one that had an "annoying" comment so I didn't really want to save it. I don't have hpts to save this time, but I will save 6 roses, this card, and my one u/s photo that was taken during the embryo transfer when we saw the 3 little dots moving within me. The photo is of the gorgeous roses I received yesterday from one of my fellow bell ringers.

Tomorrow is our appointment with the RE. I would appreciate your prayers for our wisdom in knowing what to ask, etc. I am a little nervous whether they will agree that I can do the u/s and b/w there if we do the 2nd and last fresh cycle in IL. I mean they will be paid by my insurance so I can't see why they wouldn't want our business, but I admit I've been nervous about that the last 2 weeks.

How sweet

A florist just delivered an arrangement of a dozen roses (white, pink, and yellow) in a vase. I wasn't sure who they were from, but it turns out they were from a couple from church. Peter plays in the handbell choir. He wasn't there last Monday (I had a little meltdown last Monday so everyone knew I was struggling emotionally), but someone must have told him of our recent loss. I think I am going to save these roses (dry them later). It's a tangible reminder of the 6 little babies we lost. I am truly overwhelmed by the thoughtfullness and kindness of a fellow bell ringer. I am really, really touched. It was totally unexpected.

Hard to understand

The day after my Beta, I got an email from a colleague at work announcing she is pg. Of course the timing was a little hard, but actually I can honestly say I was happy for her. She is a few years older than me and also has been ttc a couple of years longer than we have. I immediately sent her a big congratulations email, and it wasn't hard to do so. I knew last summer they had pursued adoption a little, and during the last school year she had switched to a different doctor (she used to go to the same RE I have gone to the last 3 years). She had done Letrozole a few times in the spring (I think the last try was in May). They had unexplained infertilty, and she had never been pg (she told me in 2005 when I had the ectopic that she would prefer to have a m/c as at least then she'd "know she could get pg"). She never did inj; she only did Clomid and Let. She said she didn't think she could give herself injections in the stomach so she wasn't open to inj/iui or ivf. She never even had an iui. And she was a nurse practitioner (and now is a nursing professor). I would think it would be easy for a nurse to give herself shots.

Okay so this is the hard part. Her office is a couple doors down from mine. Every time she told someone yesterday that she was pregnant, she did NOT sound happy about it. She kept telling people how she and her husband had decided they wanted a childfree life and how this meant they would have retired earlier, bought a condo, etc. She was medically ttc about 3 months ago. I just can't understand how THAT quickly she could get to the point where she sounded disappointed that she is pregnant. I talked to her as well and she was saying the same stuff to me. She was also talking about how awful she felt (morning sickness) and said how can I feel joyful when I feel nauseous? She said to me "I am sure once the baby is born I'll feel joyful." I didn't know what to say. I'd gladly throw up every day for 9 months if it meant I could give birth to a baby.

I guess I just don't understand how someone who ttc for more than 7 years wouldn't be thrilled to find out she's finally pg. And of course it's really hard to hear someone sounding disappointed that they are pg when I gave myself 59 shots and we spent $7,500 recently trying to get pg. And of course that's not to mention the ER process etc. It's one thing to find out someone is pg and they are excited. But it's really hard to listen to someone practically complain that they are pg. What's sort of ironic is that in 2005 there was a colleague who got pg about the same time I did. And ever since her daughter was born in Feb 2006 I've been shown lots of photos which are hard as I know that's how old our child would have been had he or she lived. Since then, I haven't had any pg colleagues at work - of course there have been staff and faculty pg since then, I just mean no one I regularly have contact with has been pg since then. Her due date is also in April as mine would have been if any of the embryos had lived. So every day I go to work I am going to be seeing a pg women who is at the stage I "would have been." It's just beyond ironic to me that just like in 2005 there is going to be a constant reminder at work. This is actually going to be harder than in 2005 as I will see this colleague far more than I see the other one. Well maybe she'll at least start being happy/ grateful that she's pg. That would help me a lot.

One other P.S. to this little story would be that when she told me she was pg she told me that it finally happened when they "gave up" and that she got pg while they were on vacation. Great. Just reinforced two pieces of advice people love to give. Well Paul and I have gone on LOTS of vacations over the past 6 years, and we had truly given up with ttc awhile ago. We have zero hope that we will ever get pg aside from IVF or FET. So giving up and going on vacation hasn't helped us. Of course they had NO male or female problems ever diagnosed by a doctor which is not our case either.

Choice of words

Okay I admit I was really nervous about what comments people might make to me after they found out I am not pregnant. Mostly however I have to say people actually said the "right" things and in many cases that was admitting they didn't know what to say. Only two people really said something that hurt. I know they meant well. I realy do know that. In both cases they had taken the time to send me a card - one e-card and one through the mail. That was SUCH a kind, thoughtful gesture which I truly do appreciate. So I am not trying in any way to pick on these people. And they are not readers of my blog so I am not worried about hurting their feelings through this post. So why write this post? Well just in case any of my readers have a friend or family member who does IVF in the future I just wanted to throw this out there as what NOT to say to someone who has had a failed IVF.

The first comment was in an e-card I got on the 17th. The line that really hurt said something like "remember we don't get everything we want in life." Of course that statement is true, but I think it's TOTALLY in appropriate to say when someone is grieving a loss. No one would think of making such a comment to someone who just had a relative or friend pass away. This wasn't a case of hoping conception would occur and it didn't. This was a case of losing triplets that were alive within me at one point.

I think the bottom line is that I wanted people to acknowledge that three babies died inside me. I know it was really early, and I am sure had I seen three heartbeats on an ultrasound and then lost the babies after that it would have been worse. But that doesn't mean I didn't lose three little babies. From the moment I knew we had seven embryos I felt like a Mom to each of them, and I was praying countless times a day for all seven babies. Of course I prayed even more intensely for the three dots that I saw on the ultrasound as they traveled to my uterus. I have a picture of that moment thanks to a kind doctor. Yes, I know they were microscopic and I wasn't seeing them in particular but rather the fluid they were traveling in but truly we all watched three little dots move across the screen. Anyhow to me this was an early miscarriage. I realize that many couples probably have lost babies this way and they have no idea conception had occured because the baby was lost prior to implantation or shortly after that so they never knew about the life or lives that were within them. But I knew! I wanted all three babies to live. I believe even if I had gotten pregnant, as ELATED as I would have been, if I had found out I was only carrying one or two babies, I still would have had a little grieving to go through for the one or two that we lost. I even felt that way on August 7 when I found out only one of the four embryos was frozen. Yes, I was happy one had continued to grow, but I was sad for the three we had already lost. That I think is a really hard part about IVF. You know how many tiny embryos you have at one point and it's highly unlikely that many (or even possibly any) will make it. When it happens when a couple is trying on their own, they don't know it happened so there is not as much grief involved although of course failing to get pregnant can involve a grieving process as well. There is a difference though between grieving the loss of something you hoped would happen and didn't versus grieving the loss of little babies who were alive and are no longer. I really think a failed IVF is emotionally almost identical to a miscarriage.

The second annoying comment came in the mail today. "We were saddened to learn of your recent disappointment." Ditto on what I said above. I wish it said "of your recent loss." Disappointment implies to me something didn't happen that you wanted to happen. It happened. God allowed 7 little babies to come into existence, but for whatever reason it wasn't His will for 6 of the 7 to still be alive at this point. We don't know yet what the outcome will be for our 7th baby. I know I am not alone in feeling this way as a woman on an IVF discussion board this week who found out she was not pregnant wrote a similar post. Someone also used the disappointed word with her and she said "devastated" would be far more appropriate than disappointed. I don't think anyone would use the word "disappointment" if a couple lost a baby later in a pregnancy.

Okay I'll get off my soap box. Again I truly do understand that these people meant well, and I am not holding it against them in any way. I am only saying something just in case my sharing my thoughts/feelings could help someone else down the road with what they do/don't say to someone who has experienced a similar loss.

Not much new

I am happy to say that physically I have felt back to normal since Tuesday which has been a great relief, and it has helped me emotionally also. Emotionally I would say most of the time I feel like I've "bounced back," but there are moments when I still feel really sad and cry over the loss of our 6 tiny little babies. Unfortunately these moments seem to hit me more when I am some place other than home. It happened today at work while I was in my office. I don't even know what triggered it today, but I felt like just bursting into tears. Thankfully this time I was able to hold it together.

We haven't made any decisions; I haven't even called the clinic in IL yet. First we need to get more info and input from Dr. Awad (next Thursday morning). I did bounce of Paul the idea of a shared risk plan. We had contemplated doing a plan like that in PA, but you have to be under 35 to be eligible for that one so that's no longer a possibility. However the one in Chicago does extend it for older women but the price is higher. There's a little jump up for 35 & 36 year olds and a bigger jump up for 37 & 38 year olds (nothing for those 39 or older unless they use donor eggs). They have a variety of plans - those that include 3 fresh cycles, 4 fresh cycles, with and without medication costs, with and without ultrasound monitoring, and also 80% refund or 100% refund. The only one I would possibly consider is the 3 cycle without medication, without ultrasound monitoring, and with an 80% refund. The others are just too expensive. That one for my age is $18,000. If we do one fresh plus one FET in Chicago what we pay them that would be $11,700. And the other reason I am considering this is you do not have to do all 3 cycles. You can terminate the program at any time as long as you have used all frozen embyros and still get your 80% refund unless of course you are pregnant.

So if we paid the $18,000 and got pg the first time then we OVERpaid by $9,200 and will still need to pay $2,900 later for the FET which would mean we probably wouldn't do an adoption through Cathy (because of the $$) but just adopt through the foster care system if we didn't end up with at least two children through IVF. If we paid the $18,000 and didn't get pg on the fresh cycle but did get pg on the FET, then we will have OVERpaid by $6,300. However if we paid the $18,000 and didn't get pg, no matter when we stopped (even if we stopped after one fresh plus one FET), we will have spent $8,100 LESS than if we just paid for one fresh and one FET ourselves ($3,600 vs. $11,700). So that will be a tough call. If the IVF works the first time or with the FET we will have been better off just paying for it the regular way, but if it doesn't work, we'll be better off financially with the shared risk plan. And my "odds" at this clinic are a smidge less than 50% for a fresh transfer.

Well as I said, no decisions will be made until after we talk to the RE. I am going to ask him about the possibility of donor embryos that day. So far everything I have found on the internet the cheapest way with adoption/donated embryos would be to have our one frozen embryo shipped to TN and have a transfer there with our one embryo plus donated frozen ones. That would cost about $5,000 compared to $2,250 if we just transferred our one locally. So that's not very appealing. So probably the only way we'll consider donated or adopted embryos is if we can do it for no (or very little) extra $$ at our local clinic.

Feeling better

Well I think (and hope!) the worst is over. The intense pain has finally gone away. It lasted about 24 hours. A friend called this morning and I had to hang up abruptly as I was in so much pain I couldn't even talk on the phone. She called back later to make sure I was okay. Not that I feel ready to go walk 3 miles like I did on Friday and Saturday, but at least I am not contemplating whether I need to be seen by the RE tomorrow. I am planning on trying to go to handbells tonight. I figure I can always leave early if it proves to be too much for me.

I will say though I really miss my hubby! I have been spoiled to have him around the past 6 days. He went back to school today. His classes start on Wednesday. A couple of years ago my niece Jenna used to sing "I need a hug, hug, I need a hug, hug" to the tune of "You are my sunshine." Well that's what I feel like singing today. I am in hug withdrawal, LOL!

FET costs

I called the clinic today and asked how much it costs for a FET. The answer is $2,250. I also asked if one year of storage fees is included in the $600 we paid to have the embryo frozen (as I read that many clinics include 1-2 years of storage fees in that initial cryo fee). The answer is no. We will get a bill in December for the storage fee for at least Sept-Nov and possibly Aug-Nov. It's $29 a month ($348 a year).

OUCH!

The pain intensified as the day went on yesterday. There are times it feels like someone is twisting my organs inside me, and other times it feels like someone has jabbed a knife into me and is moving it around. Extremely painful. I am hoping I feel better by tonight as tonight was going to be the one and only handbell rehearsal I could make this fall as starting next Monday I am teaching from 5:00-7:30pm (and handbells is from 6:30-8:00pm). And the handbells are playing next Sunday morning and then again two weeks later. But if I am in as much pain as I am right now, there is no way I'll be up to driving let alone standing during bell rehearsal. If I am still in this much pain tomorrow morning, I am going to ask to be seen by the doctor tomorrow to make sure everything is okay in there. I felt sooo much better on Friday and Saturday - I walked about 3 miles with Paul both days, did yardwork on Saturday, etc. I guess it's a case of two steps forward, three steps back. Well hopefully soon I'll resume taking steps forward again as I am ready to feel back to normal at least physically.

Tough Day

Well I woke up not feeling well (stuffed up, headache, and fever), but I took 2 Advil and went to church anyhow. However I still wasn't feeling well so I didn't stay for Sunday School (and I've really been enjoying the class I've been in this summer that was ending today), and soon after I got home I went to bed for a nap. I slept for three hours. One thing did finally happen today which I had been wanting to happen, but yet it's still hard. As of this morning I was 18dpo, but finally this afternoon it changed to cd1. If I had my Beta appointment at 17dpo like they usually do, I would have had 21 day LP!!! Oi vey! I mean that's great if you're pg, but to have a 18-21 day lp when you are not pg is just Not Fun. My last PIO shot was at 13dpo, and I knew it would delay the start but didn't think it would delay the start THIS much. So although today is not "find out day" which I think is the hardest (that was Tuesday for me), cd1 is still a tough day both physically and emotionally in part because I feel very "hormonal." The other thing that was tough about going to church is that it is a setting in which people ask you "how are you" but they are often just being polite and don't really want to know so you just say "fine thank you" or whatever. Two ladies at church today gave me hugs and told me they were praying for me. They knew what what on with me this week. But others of course have no idea. I wanted to say "I lost triplets this week" but instead said "I'm doing fine." There are times when I wish we had a different standard greeting in our culture that didn't involve asking how someone is doing. I really did not want to say "fine." So I am not going to the roller skating party tonight (13th bday for one of our nieces). I am just too fragile today...too prone to tears.

I wrote a couple of friends yesterday who I knew had done ivf more than once, and both said they would definitely do another fresh cycle before a FET. One had done two fresh and one FET in Hershey and then went to NYU and got pg from her third fresh cycle (her daughter is now in elementary school). So she also thought it was wise to try another center. NYU's stats are neck and neck with the one in Chicago. Another friend said, "To do a FET with one seems like a lot to go through (emotionally, physically and financially) with pretty slim odds of success. If you do another fresh cycle, you will likely have additional embryos to freeze and then doing at least one FET later seems more viable." So that's the direction we're still leaning.

Dollars and Cents

Well first I tried to estimate what the total costs would be if we did a fresh cycle in Chicago and then did a frozen transfer later out there with frozen embryos from both fresh cycles combined. I even included $$ for shipping one frozen embie from PA to IL, airfare to IL, etc. I think for both a fresh and frozen transfer we are talking about $12,500. This includes costs for freezing embryos, ICSI, copays for meds, etc.

We started ttc in May 2002 and started medical tests and treatments in May 2003. From May 2003 to May 2007 we spent about $3K on ttc (bulk of which was for the 5 IUIs). In contrast from December 2004 to June 2007 we spent $22,639 on adoption. So I guess we've switched gears from investing more in adoption to investing more in ttc. Well our total so far for ttc is still far less than adoption (about $10,500) but the numbers will be almost even if we do a second fresh cycle plus a FET.

It's a little mind blowing to realize what the totals might be, but these will have been spent over a span of likely 5 years (we didn't start investing $$ into ttc until 2004). Although I would rather have gotten pregnant the FREE way and not poured money into adoption avenues that didn't pan out, I can't think of much in life that I'd rather invest the money toward than becoming parents. It means we'll be hoping our cars last us at least 10 years (and we bought them used), but I'd rather drive a car with high mileage if it means I'm finally a mommy. I was doing the math and trying to see if in the end we'd have at least $15K left over (probably how much more it would cost to complete an adoption with Cathy if she got us a match) and wouldn't you know it came out to $15,656 - of course who knows if all my estimates are all accurate, but anyhow it looks like we'd JUST have enough.

So if we decide to do a fresh cycle in Chicago and then a FET out there later this means we will definitely NOT adopt from Ukraine. Frankly that's okay with us. Last month they increased the length of the stay required for parents over by 10 more days. Also, the families who submitted dossiers around the same time we did who HAVE updated their dossiers this summer still haven't gotten theirs submitted and of course more new people keep sending in dossiers to the same group of translators that we were trying to use. So I think they have way more dossiers than they can possibly submit in the next 6 months.

If we do fresh IVF and give birth then we'll do the FET later for child #2 (or #3 if we have twins the first time). If we end up with at least two bio children then we probably won't adopt at all. In that scenario our likely total bill for adoption + ttc = $46K. If we have one bio child from IVF #2 + FET then we'd still like to adopt one child through Cathy = $61K. If we have no biological children and adopt one child through Cathy then our second child will need to be adopted from foster care as we just can't handle a total bill much higher than $61K even though we will have spent that $$ over a span of about 5 years.

So I guess the bottom line is that if we do invest more money into ttc it means we aren't going to invest any more $$ into any new adoption ventures. If we adopt it seems it will either be through Cathy (our contract with her was for 30 months and we can freeze it at any time if necessary) or the foster care system. The only other possibility is Mark Miller as some of his adoptions total less than $15K so then we'd adopt through him instead of Cathy. If we do fresh ivf we cannot afford to pay for two adoptions as originally planned. So if we have no bio kids we'll need to do one adoption the free way (foster care system).

One way or the other we'll become parents...we just don't know which way!

More research

I thought I should also research New York as I also have relatives in Long Island. There are three clinics in NY with very good rates. First is NYU http://www.nyuivf.com/services/records.html. From 2001-2003 their live birth per transfer rate for ages 35-37 was 49%. However theirs is quite a bit more expensive ($12,550 for IVF + ICSI and that could go higher as for example if we did assisted hatching if would be $13,050). Also, I don't see mention on their site of doing it out of town. The Chicago clinic will accept a fax of the u/s and b/w and their nurse will call with the instructions. One list ranked NYU as the 4th best fertility center in the US. http://www.parents.com/parents/story.jsp?categoryid=/templatedata/parents/category/data/1129484159612.xml&page=5&storyid=/templatedata/child/story/data/1129758221012.xml.

Second is RMA - http://www.rmany.com/success-rates.aspx. From 2002-2005 they had a 50% live birth rate for ages 35-37. They don't break down their fees very carefully but just say an average cost is $9,215. I have no idea if that includes ICSI, AH, etc. and also have no clue if they work with people out of town during the stimulation phase (and if they give a discount if you do that part out of town such as the one in Chicago gives a $1,400 discount for that).

Third is CRMI - http://www.ivf.org/ which has a live birth rate for ages 34-36 of 48%. One article that listed the top 10 fertility centers in the US rated them #2 http://www.parents.com/parents/story.jsp;jsessionid=4TL1L1JYS1QABQFIBQSB5VQ?catref=prt1&page=3&storyid=/templatedata/child/story/data/1129758221012.xml. I couldn't find ANY financial information on their website (a bit scary!).

Reading that list of the "10 best" reminded me that where my friend Jo went in Jacksonville, FL was ranked #8. http://www.parents.com/parents/story.jsp?categoryid=/templatedata/parents/category/data/1129484159612.xml&page=9&storyid=/templatedata/child/story/data/1129758221012.xml. Their numbers are a little lower (38.5% live birth rate for 35-37 in 2005). I also couldn't find out about FIRM's fees http://www.fertilityjacksonville.com/888541.html except for the cycropreservation of eggs (which I do find a VERY appealing option as this can reduce the need to have frozen embies which eliminates the "what if we have too many embyros" issue which we didn't face this time but still...). I'm sure Jo can fill me in on the costs. :-) I also don't know if they would work with me out of state for the stimulation phase.

Soooo probably Chicago is still my first choice, but if we do IVF #2 I want to be VERY thorough in exploring our options since we both agree it will be our LAST fresh ivf cycle. I see that a preliminary 2005 report has now been released by the CDC so I'll go study that a bit I think. http://apps.nccd.cdc.gov/ART2005/clinics05.asp. Okay here's the summary from the 2005 for the clinics in question (all stats are live birth per transfer ages 35-37 for 2005):
Chicago - 47.3, NYU - 46.1, RMA - 44.3, CRMI - 43.4, FIRM - 38.5, and Geisinger (where I did IVF #1) - 30.7. So given the success rates, fees, and flexibility to work with out of town patients, I think Chicago is my #1 choice at the moment.

Feeling better today

I am happy to say I am feeling much better today. Last night was the best night of sleep I've had in awhile in part because my hips are much less sore. Also, I haven't had any hot flashes today! And I was able to walk farther today with Paul, and it also wasn't nearly as painful. So that has helped me emotionally also. Plus I think it has helped me emotionally to feel better since I am feeling better physically. And my dear sweet husband has stayed home with me the past four days which has helped immensely. I also think it has helped that we made a decision about "Ashley"

I instant messaged with one of my sisters this morning, and she had a few questions/ideas. For example, she suggested that maybe I send the questionnaires and such that go in the packet for Mark (lawyer in FL) and allow my sister to select 1-2 situations for us to be presented for with him. She thought if we eliminated the suspense it might help (through not knowing when we were presented). I said I'd run it by Paul. Well he wasn't crazy about the idea because he doesn't want to relinquish control in terms of which situations we do/don't apply for. But I thought it was a very kind, thoughtful and creative idea that she had!!! I guess maybe a way this plan might work is if we spelled out our preferences just like we have with Lifetime/Cathy. They decide when to present us based on when our preferences (ex. total cost of adoption) match as well as when we match the birthmother's preferences.

She also asked about adopting embryos to have transferred at the same time as our frozen embyro transfer in part because of the thaw rate (which is about 50% nationally). I plan to ask the RE on August 30 if we would be eligible to receive a donated embyro (different from an adopted one). If he would be able to arrange for us to have (for a very little cost) two embyros from a couple who no longer wanted to use their frozen embryos, we think we might do this so that if we thaw three embyros hopefully we might have at least two to transfer. If one of the donated embryos resulted in a pregnancy it would still be an adoption of sorts, but I for sure wouldn't be smoking, drinking, or doing drugs while pregnant. And I'd get to experience pgcy, nursing the baby, etc.

If using donated embyros is not a possibility, we are not sure what our plan of action will be. Embryo adoption is expensive. The Snowflake program for example is $8K (not including the transfer fees). That is for six embryos. They figure that it generally takes 6 frozen embryos to have one baby as the national thaw rate is 50% and the national pregnancy rate for frozen embyros is 30% so based on those stats the average is one baby from every six frozen embryos. Plus you can't participate in the Snowflake program if you are also pursuing traditional adoption which we certainly are. I found another program that is cheaper -about $5K including the transfer. http://www.embryodonation.org/adoption.html Since that's still very close to the price of a fresh cycle (our total cost will likely end up being about $7,500), that doesn't sound too appealing to us (although far less physically painful for me!). This second program says their thaw rate is 66% and pregnancy rate is 20-25% per transfer. So I think we are not leaning in the direction of embryo adoption.

Another option is to do another fresh cycle first and then transfer this frozen embryo with frozen embryos resulting from IVF #2 (either for our first child if IVF #2 didn't work OR for our second child if IVF #2 did work). The cheapest, simplest, and least painful option is just to transfer our one frozen embryo. It seems we have about a 15% chance of success. I am not sure what the costs will be. We already paid $600 for that embryo to be frozen. I am going to call on Monday to find out the costs for thawing, culturing, and transferring that embryo. I called today, but the lady who handles the finances at the RE clinic was on vacation this week. From the bills we received in the mail today it looks like they charge about $700 for a transfer. My guess is that the total fee for a FET will likely be at least $2K. We definitely want to transfer this embryo. That's not the issue. The issue is whether to transfer this one by itself or not. And if not by itself whether we donated or adopted embryos or with more of our own. We won't make this decision until we talk to the RE on August 30 and hear what he has to say about his assessment of the whole IVF cycle plus the quality of this particular embryo (what he thinks are the chances it will survive the thaw, etc.).

In June when we decided to do IVF, we had decided to try it a second time if try #1 didn't work, and we decided that two would be our maximum. After the retrieval this time, I wasn't thinking I could possible put myself through this a second time, but of course I really would like to give birth to a baby some day. I am sure though that I don't want to do IVF again at the same clinic. If I do it a second time, I want to do it at a clinic with a much higher success rate. So I wouldn't need to add hotel costs to the total expense, I studied the success rates for all the IVF clinics in MD, VA, DC, and IL since I have family in MD and IL and could stay with them. The winner by far was Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago http://www.advancedfertility.com/ivf-success-rates.htm. Their 2004 success rates (most recent ones that can be found on the CDC website) was that 67.7% of transfers resulted in a live birth (for those under the age of 25) and 42.3% for those between 35-37 compared to my clinic says they have a 40% success rate for those under 35 and 25% for those between 35-39. Their blastocyst transfer rates are particularly impressive (day 5 or 6 transfers) - 69.3% for under 35 and 50% for 35-39. That's one thing if I can go back in time I would have done differently. I wish we had done a 5 or 6 day transfer instead of a 3 day one. But that's water under the bridge now. 15% of their patients are from out of the area so we wouldn't be the first to travel to this clinic from another state to do IVF. If we did the stimulation part here locally (which I would want to do as our insurance does pay for the bloodwork and ultrasounds) then we would have to pay $8,100 for IVF with ICSI. So we'd pay about $1K more (plus airfare to IL) to go to this clinic. Again, first we need to hear what the RE thought. Maybe he'll say we shouldn't ever do IVF again. I doubt it since three of our embryos were "very good" but who knows. One thing that I really took notice of was that this clinic reports an ICSI fertilization rate of 70-85%. Ours says 50% is their normal ICSI fert. rate but ours was only 38%. So just having a higher fertilization rate could make all the difference in my opinion.

Before we meet with the doctor on August 30 I want to go back through our budget and such and make sure we can afford to do ivf a second time plus a frozen transfer. Of course if we could have two or three children through a fresh + frozen transfer, that would be far cheaper than completing two separate adoptions. I just want to be sure that if we do a fresh and FET and still don't get pg that we still will have enough $$ to pay for an adoption through Cathy if she gets us a match. I think we're talking about around $11K for a fresh cycle plus frozen transfer. I had been saying if I did another fresh cycle I didn't want to do it until next summer as #1 I wanted more time to "recover" emotionally/physically and #2 I don't want to do a fresh cycle when school is in session. However I think there are two compelling reasons not to wait that long. #1 Time is not on my side. Our chances at success will keep dropping as more time passes. #2 It will be cheaper if we pay for it in 2007 because we have now reached the point with the IRS that we can deduct our medical expenses (never spent enough in a year before to be eligible for that deduction). So if we do IVF #2 in 2007 it will in the end cost about 25% less than if we did it in 2008. For me the penny pincher, that's big. So maybe 2007 is going to turn into the year of IVF fresh cycles for me. Never done them before 2007 and if we do two this year we never plan on doing it again. We are both 100% certain we don't want to do it more than twice. I am relieved! Paul has been the one wanting to do ivf the last 3 years, but even he is 100% sure he doesn't want to do it more than twice. Big sigh of relief for me...

So I am not sure what will come first - the FET from IVF #1 or fresh IVF #2. And we won't decide until we talk to the doctor on Aug 30. I am planning to be in Chicago the first week of November so I could possibly do the initial consult then. If I did IVF #2 this year, I would want to do the stimulation through transfer in between the two semesters (December 15 to January 13). If we do a 5dt that's probably about 18 days total. If I knew we'd get pg from the FET of our one embie, I would just do that first. It's hard to make these decisions when you have no idea what the outcome will be!!!

Sorry I was so longwinded! Thanks again for all your prayers. They are greatly appreciated!!!

Feels like a miscarriage

I know most would say I was not technically pregnant as pregnancy is usually defined as beginning when the embryo implants into the uterus, and likely that didn't happen. But I knew there were three tiny little lives placed inside of me - so I felt pregnant. Many women after having the embryo transfer use the phrase PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). When we did inj/iui and found out it didn't work, it was very upsetting, but it didn't feel like a miscarriage. We had no knowledge whether conception occured or not. And now that we know about the morphology issue we can probably safely assume conception never occured; especially given we had such a low fertilization rate even with ICSI which is supposed to overcome almost any male factor issue and bring the fertilization rate up to 50-85%.

Anyhow I have noticed that the way I have felt the last three days has been most similar to how I felt in July 2005 with my miscarriage rather than how I felt after the other medicated cycles. After the transfer, many times a day I would put my hand over my belly and pray for my little tiny babies and talk to them and refer to myself as Mommy when speaking to them. I have found myself looking at the ultrasound picture a lot the last three days. Ironically I have an ultrasound photo this time even though I don't have any positive hpts whereas in 2005 I didn't have any ultrasound photos given to me (although many were taken) but I saved a few of the hpts. Every once in a while I get them out. They are the only tangible reminders that I have of that baby we lost in 2005. And now this one u/s photo is all I have of this. I wish they had given me photos of the embryos; I know some clinics do that. In some senses it was harder in 2005 because I actually saw 2 lines on a hpt, I think mostly it is much harder this time because I knew there were 7 little tiny lives that began on August 1. I felt so sad on August 7 when I learned three of them didn't make it. Of course I felt even more sad when I found out on August 14 that the three inside me didn't make it either. It's rather overwhelming to lose six tiny babies in one week.

A friend who taught at the school where I was principal reminded me of a story of a parent at the school who struggled with secondary infertility. When she did IVF none of the embyros survived after the fresh transfer, and they only had one frozen embryo. That one frozen embryo did result in a beautiful little girl (who was a student at the school). So that story reminded me that although the "odds" might be small, there is still hope that this last embryo will result in a baby in our arms in 2008. The fact this embryo was still growing strong after 6 days in the lab is a good sign.

A couple of friends I know who have done IVF in the past (and not gotten pregnant) emailed me how it felt like a miscarriage to them. I am so grateful they said that. I had been thinking it the past three days but hadn't verbalized that in any way to anyone as I thought people might think I was crazy as by clinical standards I was never pregnant this time. So I feel better in knowing that I am not alone in feeling like I am grieving the loss of 6 little tiny babies.

Please keep praying for me. I don't feel "myself" physically or emotionally yet. I feel on the verge of tears most of the time. Simple things like taking a walk with Paul (forget jogging or even a brisk walk!) brings about aches and pains in various places and some are very intense. If they don't subside in the next few days I will call the doctor. I figure it will take time for my body to get back to normal after all it has been put through. I still get these hot flashes from time to time also. And I could go on but I won't bore you with all my aches and pains, LOL.

In terms of adoption, we assembled 10 more profiles for Cathy tonight, and I will mail them tomorrow. We also have pretty much decided not to be presented to "Ashley." Given how much she took, the meidcal professionals I have spoken with think there is a high probability of a severe problem (mental retardation for example). I admit part of me is still tempted to pursue it as the thought of becoming a mommy in a month is of course VERY appealing, and of course there is a chance that she will be okay (meaning just a mild learning disability or something like that). I am still praying for the little girl that she WILL be adopted by a loving family. Of course if I gave birth to a special needs child it would be a different story, but we don't feel comfortable choosing that situation right now.

Probably it's for the best we're not being presented in light of my emotional state as well. Basically waiting to hear if she picked us or not would feel like another 2ww. I don't think I'm up for another 2ww quite yet. So for not I think we'll just stick with Cathy. Hopefully she'll get us a match soon, and well we have about 3 months left with Lifetime but I'm not holding my breath there! I will stay on Mark's email list, but we aren't going to apply for this situation. And of course we are looking forward to our appt with the RE on Aug 30 when we can learn about the FET process. I so badly hope this 7th embryo is the one that STICKS.

This is going to hurt...

It hit me today that I have heard that expression quite a bit in the last 4 weeks. Today it happened when the phlebotomist had stabbed me. Having blood drawn does NOT usually bother me unless I've had it every other day for a week or more. Anyhow after she stabbed me she said something like "I made a mistake; I have to move it; this is going to hurt." She wasn't kidding! She kept apologizing and saying how sorry she was. I just walked out thinking why does EVERYTHING have to hurt so much - even a simple blood draw?!?! I mean the last thing I wanted to do today was spend one hour of my day driving to and from the hospital to have a blood test done to prove what I already knew to be true - I am not pg. I will say it was not AS bad as July 2005 when I had to coming back and coming back to make sure my HCG went all the way down. That was beyond ironic. I had longed for years to HAVE hcg in my system and here I was having a Beta done every week to see if the HCG was going away????

Anyhow I really just didn't want to even walk into the RE clinic today, so I asked Paul to go with me, and he did. He's been an utter sweetheart. Yesterday I had tested at 5am but didn't tell him til maybe 6:30am. After we talked and I cried and he held me, he started offering things like - want me to go make you breakfast and you can eat in bed? (never had that offered to me before!) All day long he just kept giving me lots of hugs and back rubs and back scratches, etc.

Well hearing "this is going to hurt" today triggered in my mind several other times I was told that over the past month+. It started with the day of the IVF testing. This is going to hurt more than usual because your uterus is tilted and your cervix is very tight. That I would say ranked as the #2 most painful experience of the whole IVF process. It wasn't made any better when the RE left the speculum in me longer than necessary so he could have a chat with Paul about why people shouldn't buy products made in China. HELLO?!?! I am in pain here - can we save the conversation for a time when there isn't a speculum inside me?!?! I cried and squeezed the daylights out of Paul's hand. I was told this would be less painful than an HSG. Well let me tell you the HSG that I had in 2003 was a cake walk compared to the HSC. Then of course the pain level grew and grew as the follicles grew in size and quantity. The last ultrasound I had took 15 minutes and was sheer agony as my ovaries were very tender and very large with 30+ follicles growing. I have had more than 50 ultrasounds the past 4 years and usually they are totally painless. And of course I have already spoken to how painful the 45 minute retrieval was. I could feel everything and well I just don't even want to relive it in my mind. That was definitely the most painful experience of the whole IVF process and was again worse than usual because my ovaries were so very large and tender. In comparison the transfer was a breeze, but it wasn't very fun having an ultrasound wand pressed on my VERY full bladder (and sore ovaries) for 15 minutes. I will not drink as much before the FET.

And it hurts emotionally that I am still physically being effected by the PIO shots. Every step I take is painful because my hips are so sore. The last four nights I bled quite a bit after each injection. And that is the reason I went in and had the Beta 2 days early. I am grateful I am being spared shots # 60 & 61. If I was pregnant I would gladly continue them, but it was very hard to have the shot last night when I knew I wasn't pregnant and there was really no point. Obviously the side effects that I was hoping were pgcy symptoms were in fact just side effects from the PIO shots. Today I have still struggled with nausea and I have sort of mini hot flashes. Paul joked at the 90th bday party celebration that it took 6 years of marriage before we experienced a time where I wanted the A/C turned up higher than he did. Everyone laughed. But it was true - last week he actually got cold I turned it up so much (usually I am the one who is cold). I have fanned myself in my office at work and in the classrooms and typically in the summer I complain that they have the A/C too high. I noticed none of my students were fanning themselves so again I know my thermostat is out of whack at the moment. Anyhow it's just hard as when I experience these physical side effects it makes me soooooooo sad as it reminds me of the six babies we have lost in the last 8 days.

Okay, enough of all that. Today I went to Staples and had 10 more profiles made for Cathy (we had a misunderstanding a few weeks ago as I thought she only wanted us to send 30 more but she wanted us to send 40 more). So tomorrow Paul and I will work on punching holes, tying ribbon, etc. for these 10. We will then have produced 190 profiles in the past 32 months. Please keep praying for wisdom for us as far as "Ashley" in Florida. I keep changing my mind. I spent a long time revising our answers to the questionnaire last night (tried to use a lot of the text from our newest profile), and I made 4 copies of it plus a copy of our home study (stuff he requires for the packet). But I am still torn. I talked to a nursing prof at BU today who teaches the alcohol and drug abuse type classes at BU. Alcholism is her "speciality" in terms of research. She said that the odds are high this little girl will have more than a mild learning disability given the quantity of alcohol that was consumed at a critical time period. She said drinking in the first trimester is more devastating than at any other time of the pregnancy. And she said that although cocaine in and of itself isn't "too" bad for the baby, she said cocaine + alcohol is worse than either one by itself. She said the marijuana and cigarettes aren't so bad, and again that Xanax by itself wouldn't have been bad but Xanac + alcohol isn't good for the baby.

Of course if I were to have become pregnant, there's no guarantee we'd have had a healthy baby. With every pregnancy there is some risk of the child having special needs of some sort. But it's a little different with adoption as in some cases (particularly when you adopt a child after they're born and have a better idea what their "issues" are) you are left with the decision as to whether you will purposefully adopt a special needs child. If an ultrasound had been done and we knew the baby's size, head measurements, etc., it would be fairly obvious whether this little girl has FAS or not. I wish I knew whether we would be dealing with a learning disability or something far more severe than that. Part of me just says, pay the $100 and see what happens - if God wants you to raise this little girl then Ashley will pick you, and if He doesn't, she won't. Part of me says - you're just applying because you want so badly to be a mom that you're not thinking things through clearly. Your heart is hurting from having lost 6 embryos, and you're jumping into something without giving it enough thought and prayer. Every person I talk to seems to change my mind back and forth in opposite directions. So anyhow please pray for wisdom. I am just not sure what is the right thing to do at this moment.

I want to close on a more positive note. I am thankful we still do have one frozen embryo although I have to say it feels weird to think my baby is frozen at the moment!!! I told Paul I would like to do the transfer sometime in the next four months. There are many couples who do IVF and don't have any frozen embryos. One woman I know online was told by her clinic that only 25% of the couples doing IVF at that clinic end up with any frozen embryos. Many of my friends who have done IVF have not had any that were able to be frozen. So I am thankful we do have one more chance at pregnancy without me doing IVF again.

HPTs don't lie

Just in case anyone was thinking maybe my hpt at 14dpo might have been "too early" - the Beta confirmed I am not pg. I felt badly for the nurse. What a job to have to have to deliver news like that; on the flipside she gets the happy job of calling with good news also, but I am sure she has to make more sad calls than happy calls. Our appointment with the RE has been scheduled for August 30 to discuss this cycle as well as the FET.

Well I am off to Staples to drop off our adoption profile to make 10 more copies to send to Cathy.

Nurse already called back

That was fast! She said #1 yes I do have to have a blood test, #2 yes I may come in today, and #3 they automatically schedule a follow-up appointment 2 weeks after a negative result in which we discuss what happened with the doctor and make future plans (such as FET plans). So I will go in today as I really don't want any more PIO injections. She said if I go in before 10am I will get the results today. I'm going to ask Paul to come in with me for moral support. He stayed home with me yesterday, and he's staying home with me again today. He was a real sweetheart yesterday. I am giving a final exam at school today; so I at least need to get my act together by then. Yesterday and today I've just had this feeling that I just want to stay home.

Only one

Only one embryo left of the seven that came into being 2 weeks ago. We found out on Aug 7 that we had lost three of the four which weren't transferred, and we found out yesterday that we also lost the three which were transferred. I did my first hpt yesterday at 5am at 10dp3dt and only saw one line as usual. I knew there was no hope left as the RE had told me in 2005 that for my pgcgy to have hope of success my HCG needed to be at least about 100 at 14dpo, and it was less than 30 that day. I also know these hpts are very sensitive as I got a bfp with this brand at 12dpo that summer when my hcg was less than 12. So I knew this attempt was doomed when I got a bfn yesterday. I didn't post about it yesterday as #1 I wasn't emotionally ready to type the words yet and #2 I was afraid some might think (or say) "it might be too early" when I knew it wasn't too early. So I tested again this morning at 4:30am at 11dp3dt and still only one line. I am not pg.

I left a message with the RE nurse this morning asking three questions. #1 Do I really have to have a blood test to confirm what I already know to be true? #2 If I do really have to do the blood test do I truly have to wait til Friday? These PIO injections really hurt and it was much harder to have one last night when I knew I wasn't pg. As of yesterday I have had 59 injections since July 6. I am hoping last night was my last for awhile. #3 I asked her what protocol they use for frozen embyro transfers (FET). I am not ready to jump into that immediately, but I know there are different protocols and wasn't sure which they used. I am praying they use the one that involves the least amount of injections.

So obviously yesterday was a hard day. I have worked very hard this summer and haven't had even one week off of work so that we could afford IVF, and we spent every penny I earned the last 3 months on IVF. So I am behind in what I "should" have accomplished this summer thus far as far as my work goes, we didn't get to take our vacation to Mexico that we had planned, and I tortured my body (still don't feel normal physically) for seemingly nothing. And although I knew our chances were less than 40%, our hopes were still dashed yesterday. It just reinforced this feeling I've had for a few years that I will never give birth to a baby.

I know we have one frozen embryo. The likelihood that the one embryo will result in a full term pregnancy is extremely slim. First of all we aren't even guaranteed the embryo will survive the thawing process and be able to be transferred. Then if the embryo is transferred the "chances" of me seeing 2 lines on a pgcy test are very small in light of the fact that #1 we are only transferring one embryo and #2 that I didn't get pregnant from the fresh cycle. I know that it's not impossible, and of course I hope this seventh embryo results in pregnancy. My feeling is that if we become parents in the next year, it will be through adoption not pregnancy.

Thank you for all the support and prayers and encouragement that you gave me the last couple of months as we went through this IVF process. It meant a lot to me.

Nausea

Well the bloating that I was excited about on Thursday has subsided the last few days. The only "symptom" I can possibly construe to be a pgcy symptom is that I have been nauseous more often than not since Saturday evening. Of course this could be from the progesterone (injections) or from nerves of the suspense of "am I pg or not." I would rather the cause be that I am pg. When I was pg in 2005 I got very nauseous the evening of 11dpo (ran from the kitchen as the chicken I was cooking made me want to throw up and that never had happened before) and I got the bfp at 12dpo the next morning. I was nauseous more often than not during my brief pgcy that summer. At first I really thought it was the "suspense" getting to me, but I have been at work this afternoon and for the most part very distracted and while in the middle of something I think - wow does my stomach feel icky and I realize I have not been just thinking about ttc. So I am hoping pregnancy is the cause. I guess I'll find out soon enough if the nausea is pscyhologically induced or physiologically induced! I admit this morning I was wishing I had tested this morning. I usually do test at 12dpo. But I have decided this time to test only when Paul is around, and he had already left for school so that means the earliest I will test is tomorrow (13dpo). Hoping whenever I do test I see two lines....

6th anniversary today

We started ttc part way through our first year of marriage so it's a little depressing to think we've been married six years and still don't have any kids!!! But I am trying not to think that way and just be thankful for Paul. We have been able to travel more and such which we wouldn't have been able to do with kids (of course I'd have picked kids over travels if given the choice, but I'm trying to find the bright spots here!). Since today is Paul's dad's uncle's 90th bday party (and they live about 2 hours from our home) the 90th bday party is the main event of the day.

Anyhow I hope and pray that before we hit our 7th anniversary that we have adopted or I have given birth. A bfp next week would be the MOST wonderful belated anniversary present for both of us!!!!! And if I am pg my due date will be two days after my bday. I thought that was pretty wild when I discovered that. If I give birth in April, that would be absolutely the best bday gift of my whole lifetime. Since today is our anniversay, I think it's fitting today's photo is of the two of us (taken in Aruba last summer).

Ouch!

Well in the middle of the night I woke up in rather intense pain in my ovaries, and although it's not as sharp, the pressure is definitely back. The last few days I could walk without pain (well except my hips hurt when I walk from the PIO), and the seatbelt also was no longer hurting me. Well that temporary reprieve is over. And I am glad, LOL! On Saturday the nurse said the bloating might return on Wednesday, particularly if I am pregnant. So I was a little disappointed yesterday when I felt fine. I like being in less pain, but I was hoping it didn't mean I wasn't pregnant. Of course my pain today doesn't guarantee I am pregnant, but it is an encouraging sign (according to the nurse anyhow!). Now the pain in my butt is not an encouraging symptom, but yikes has the pain there greatly intensified today as well!!! Well if these injections lead to a baby (or babies!) they will be soooooooo worth it!

One was frozen

Well of the four embyros only one made it to the blastocyst stage, and they have to make it to that stage to be frozen. My guess (although I have zero proof) is that likely the one that made it was the one "very good" one; so I am grateful for Dr. A's suggestion that we transfer two very good ones and one moderate one on Saturday as possibly if we had transferred all three "very good" ones (which would have been my first instinct) we might not have had any to freeze. I am encouraged on the one hand by the fact that one DID make it - in the lab no less which some feel is not quite as good as the uterus. So that encourages me that if one kept progressing properly in that environment then hopefully one (or more) are still growing inside me. And I am also encouraged by the fact that we will have one additional attempt at pregnancy in the future without needing to do another retrieval. I admit also though I am a little sad. I was really and truly cheering on all seven embryos, and I was hoping at the very least two would make it. Plus I feel sad for the three little embies that are gone now. However I have been praying about this so frequently and am trying to trust that it is all unfolding just as God sees best. It's not like we were really planning on having seven children!!! Hopefully these four (one frozen and three in me) will result in at least one child in our arms some day, and maybe just maybe these four will result in two, three, or four children! One REALLY good thing is that even if I got pregnant with twins or triplets, I believe Paul would agree to me doing a transfer in the future of the final embryo; so it is a relief not to need to think of placing any embryos up for adoption. And the bottom line at the moment is that it means that all our chances do not rest on the pregnancy test result next week. If I get a negative result next week, it will be much easier to handle if I know we can do a frozen transfer in the not so distant future.

I felt so badly as I called the RE's office about 12:15 to let them know I was leaving the house and would they please call my cell phone instead. And then I left the cell phone at home! OOPS! I was charging it up and forgot to put it in my purse. I kept waiting and waiting at school for my phone to ring, and I kept my purse close at hand. Well Denise was a sweetheart and she tried me at home a few times (left one message on the answering machine) and also tried my cell phone I think about 5 times (according the the missed call log). YIKES! I feel so badly that I put them through that, and I feel so appreciative that they were so persistent. She was calling as I walked in the door about 4:50pm, so I did speak to her directly at that point. I will make sure to apologize profusely the next time I see her or talk to her!!!

My Beta is scheduled for August 17. They usually do it 14 days past transfer, but since that will be a Saturday they gave me the option of coming in on Friday (13dp3dt). Still that's later than most RE's test. Usually they test at 10 or 11 days past the 3 day transfer (13 or 14 days past retrieval which is the same as "ovulation" in this case). I probably will do a pregnancy test at home. I have not decided when except I have decided at the earliest it will be next Tuesday (which is when many RE's start doing Betas). I'm not going to say for sure - in part because I haven't decided for sure, and in part because I don't want to have to tell on here or have someone ask me. At the latest I will do a hpt next Friday morning as I do not want to find out by a phone call. I want to have a good idea what the news will be before the phone rings. So here's how I think it will work - if I get a negative you won't hear about it until I get my Beta results. So you might be in suspense until Aug 17. If I get a positive then I am sure I will tell the world immediately. But please don't assume that if I don't post anything next Tuesday or Wednesday that it means I got a negative. It might just mean I decided to wait. Does that make sense? LOL

We got a couple of emails recently from Cathy (of Adoption Consultants). One she wants us to send 10 more profiles. There was a miscommunication. I would have done 40 in the last batch rather than 30 had I known she wanted 40 more. I thought since we sent 10 in the first batch we only needed to send 30 in the second. Actually I know I even asked her that directly, but obviously we just had a miscommunication. I am going to wait a little as I am just not in the frame of mind yet to do that. When we did the last I was praying they were the last we'd ever do. We've already made 180 profiles, but I guess the number will rise to 190 soon. Also, she sent a "situation" which didn't meet our preferences in terms of race, but upon seeing photos of another child that this particular birthmother and birthfather had together, we were fine with the racial mixture. However, the birthmother expenses are just too much for us. The total adoption would be more than $25K (we've paid $4,900 of that already). That's too much for us. So we will just decline (plus Paul said maybe I'm already pregnant with twins which is true!). I am glad though we are still pursuing adoption even though it hasn't gotten us anywhere the past 1,000+ days, it's nice to know IVF is not our only possible way to become parents.

No freeze report yet

I called the RE's office yesterday afternoon because #1 I was not feeling well (dizzy, nauseous whenever I was standing or walking) and #2 to get the freeze report. They didn't have it yesterday, and Denise (one of the nurses) told me if I wasn't feeling better I should come in to be seen by the RE. Well I have been feeling better since then. Denise just called a few minutes to check on me. She said if I felt the same or worse I needed to come in today to be seen, but I told her I felt much better. She said Teresa (the embryologist) hasn't given them our freeze report yet, but they should be calling us later today with that information. I'll post it when I find out. I had a rough night at first last night, but two Tylenol plus a pillow under my knees decreased the pain enough that I could get to sleep finally. Thank goodness... My bloating has definitely gone down as I can now wear the size shorts I was wearing most of the summer (whereas the last week or so I've had to wear one size bigger).

PIO injections

Well I had been warned that the PIO injections were the most painful. So I was pleasantly surprised when it didn't hurt on Friday night. However, now I understand what they mean by "most painful." The others might burn or sting more when the medicine is being injected, but the discomfort afterward usually only lasted a few minutes. PIO doesn't hurt too much while being injected (particularly as I use ice before and afterward), but I am now in fairly constant awareness of the two injection sites (we are alternating sides each night). So my plan is that every time I feel discomfort that I will use that as a reminder to pray for my embryos. After today, I'll just be focusing my prayers on the 3 inside me as any of the other 4 that continued to grow will be in a frozen state. Paul thought I was a little crazy when he saw me with my hand over my belly encouraging the embryos to implant in my uterus, but he's been protective in his own way. For example, the nurse said to not allow myself to be overheated and not to go in a sauna or hot tub. So Paul has been encouraging me to take cooler showers than I normally do. My 48 hours of bedrest is almost done. I have to say I am glad! I really am ready for a shower and to "return to the land of the living" as my mom would say. I'll be teaching tonight at BU. Hopefully my next post will be to report good news about the 4 embryos that weren't transferred back on Saturday.

Finally, I still ask for prayers that I not develop OHSS. The nurse said if I am going to get it that likely the symptoms will start showing up this Wednesday. On the other hand I am relieved that my ovaries are still enlarged. If they go down in size it means I'm not pregnant. So I am hoping I'll have enlarged ovaries for about 7 more weeks or so (that's when they typically go down in size if you are pregnant). It's uncomfortable, but it's another way I can be reminded to pray for the three little embryos inside me. Hopefully all three have reached the blastocyst stage today! Grow little beans, GROW! Implant little beans, IMPLANT! I am praying for sticky little beans!!!

1,000th Day

Well today is the 1,000th day since we started the adoption process, (and we've ttc for 1,915 days). I really hope and pray sometime in the next year our waiting will come to a close - either we'll have a baby from IVF or adopt a baby (probably through Cathy is the more likely scenario). I never dreamed when we started ttc in 2002 that our efforts to become parents would include creating 180 profiles for birthmothers, having over 100 shots in my belly, creating 2 Ukrainian dossiers, going through 3 home studies, spending about $35,000 so far, etc.

Well at the moment I consider myself to be pregnant with triplets until proven otherwise! I have been on the couch since we got home aside from going to the bathroom. I took a nap yesterday and STILL slept 10 hours last night! I'm still praying for all seven embyros!!!

200th post

Well today was a big day for us! There are now 3 embryos inside me!!! We were at the hospital for 3 hours. I had gotten an hour long masssage before hand, and I am very glad I did that as I felt physically very relaxed. The RE gave us the GOOD news that all seven embyros had continued to develop. YAHOO! He said three were "very good" and four were "moderate." I asked him how many cells the "very good" ones were, and he said there are many factors that determine quality (I know they also look at fragmentation, if the cells are about equal in size, etc.). He said if I was 32 years old he'd only allow us to transfer back two since we had some "very good" quality embryos. He said if I was 37 he'd encourage transferring three. He said at my age (35) we could go either way (2 or 3). He said the pregnancy rate would go up some if we transferred three back, but obviously so would the risk of having triplets. We said we wanted to transfer back three, and he said how about we compromise and transfer two of the very good ones plus one of the "moderate" quality ones. We are hoping the one "very good" one and the three "moderate" ones that we didn't transfer will make it until Monday and be able to be frozen for a future transfer.

The transfer was MUCH less painful than the mock transfer. It lasted about 15 minutes so it wasn't SUPER comfortable (since the speculum was in that whole time), but it wasn't painful. I would only call it "uncomfortable" and that was mainly because another doctor was doing an abdominal ultrasound and the same time so that Dr. Awad would be SURE to put our embyros back in my uterus. My bladder was SO full (the doctor even made a comment after seeing my bladder on the ultrasound) so it was uncomfortable to have him (lightly - he was very sensitive to my discomfort) pressing on my abdomen for 15 minutes. Then I had to lie there TEN more minutes before I could empty my bladder which was VERY hard. But after I emptied my bladder I felt 100% fine. When they inserted the embryos they showed us on the ultrasound so we could watch their journey. Well the embyros themselves are way too small to see, but we could see the fluid they were in. The embryologist had a great sense of humor. When she first carried them into the room she said something like "I've been telling them stories to keep them company" and when she handed them to the RE she said "Your embyros asked me to tell you hi." LOL! I really liked her. I could tell she was treating these as our little babies by the way she talked about them.

So I have extra cargo on board right now. For at least a few days I will be carrying triplets!!! I am lying on the couch (the joys of a laptop computer!) and I plan to stay parked here for 48 hours except for when I need to use the bathroom. I am also happy to say my PIO shot went just fine last night. I hope they continue to go that easily and with very little pain. Paul is becoming quite a good nurse!

I am very, very thankful to the Lord that our embryos all made it to today and three are "very good." The lady in the bed next to me (she also had her retrieval the morning I did) didn't get as good of a report. She is 33 (just a curtain between us so we could hear everything Dr. Awad said to her just like I am sure she could hear everything he said to us). He told her normally at her age he only allows 2 to be transferred, but all of her embyros are "poor" quality so he suggested transferring 3. He did try to encourage her she could still become pregnant - that the fact the embyros kept growing for 3 days was a positive sign and that sometimes embryos do better in the uterus than the lab, but I could tell she was very upset. Of course who knows - maybe she'll get pg and I won't, but hearing her report reminded me again of how grateful I am that as of today we had 3 "very good" and 4 "moderate." Anyhow, I would still covet your prayers for our 7 embryos. I am praying that the 3 inside me will implant and continue to grow and develop, and I am praying that the four still in the lab will continue to grow until Monday so that they can be frozen for a future transfer. We will find out Monday or Tuesday how many were frozen.

Anyhow thank you for all your prayers. I am very encouraged that we were able to transfer 3 embryos this morning! The doctor doing the ultrasound printed a picture showing the fluid with the embryos going in my uterus (of course the majority of the photo just shows my very full bladder, LOL). I am treasuring this photo. I pray in the future I'll be treasuring photos in which a baby (not my bladder) is the main thing to be seen on the ultrasound screen!

Injections resume today

The photo of the day is of Paul and my oldest nephew, Drew (photo taken 14 months ago).

Well my last injection was at 12:05am on July 31 so by the time I start my PIO shots tonight I will have had almost a 4 day break from injections. If I do not get pregnant, I will probably have about 11 PIO injections. If I do get pregnant, then I will have one daily for about 11 weeks. I admit I am not looking forward to these as everyone says they are the most painful; of course if I find out in about 10 days or so that I am pregnant, I am quite certain I will be happy to continue the injections as then they will be for a very, very good reason!!! Some of my meds are supposed to be refrigerated (like Follistim) and some are not. When the nurse gave me two vials of PIO on Wednesday I asked her if I should refrigerate these or not. Paul almost started laughing and the nurses' response confirmed his laughter as she said "not unless you want it to turn to Crisco." LOL! The PIO stands for "progesterone in oil" so of course oil will congeal in the frig! I will blame my dumb question on the fact I was still recovering from narcotics, LOL. :-)

I looked online and my actual transfer is scheduled for 10:15am tomorrow (I'm supposed to arrive at 9:15). Paul wasn't allowed with me into that room on Wednesday, but he will be allowed back there tomorrow. So I guess he could have worn deodorant on Wed after all (since he was never in the room with the eggs). I am to come with food in my stomach (because of the antibiotics they are going to give me which surprises me as they gave me antibiotics by IV on Wed) and an empty bladder. I am to bring water with me to drink while I'm there as during the procedure they want my bladder to be full (which they have never wanted for any other ultrasound).

I scheduled a massage for myself at 8:00am about 1 mile from the hospital tomorrow since they say it's really good to be relaxed the day of the transfer (and I decided a massage would be a better option than acupuncture for myself). I haven't had a massage in YEARS, and it's nice to have something to look forward to as I know from going through the mock transfer that the transfer will be PAINFUL in light of my tight cervix and tiltled uterus. However this should only last about 5 minutes compared to the 1 hour of a PAINFUL procedure on Wednesday. I am hoping my ovaries are not as tender tomorrow as they were on Wednesday as I know that will increase the pain level of the transfer. But we need to get our embyros inside me!!! As of tomorrow I will be able to say I am PUPO which stands for "pregnant until proven otherwise" and is the phrase many women use after having embyros transferred back.

Finally, I will end with the HAPPY, HAPPY news. We still have SEVEN healthy embyros! As of day two they are all doing well - no fragmentation!!! YAHOOO! We'll learn even more tomorrow as to the quality. I am hoping we have at least three six-celled embryos tomorrow morning!!

Fertilization report

18 of the 26 eggs were mature and so they tried to fertilize those by injecting one sperm into each of them. Seven became embryos. She said this is a very low fertilization rate (normally it's 50-75% and I've known many others who have had a rate close to 100%). But all it takes is one! Since we only have 7 embyros they are going to transfer them back on Saturday morning. I am praying that at least 3 embryos will make it til Saturday morning, and I'm praying that at least one of those will make it about 9 more months! I plan to mostly stay camped on the couch between now and Monday afternoon when I head back to BU (well except for the 3 hours I'll be at the hospital on Saturday morning of course). I am supposed to be on bed rest for 24 hours after the transfer, but I figure if I stay on bedrest for 48 hours it won't hurt anything (some doctors require that amount of bedrest anyhow). So for now Paul and I are the proud parents of 7 little babies. I didn't need to worry about too many embryos after all. It took 26 eggs to end up with 7 embyros. It's a really good thing we did ICSI. If we did the usual fertilization method we would have ended up with fewer (or possibly not any) embyros. So please pray for our 7 embryos to keep growing!!!!!!!!!

Home sweet home

I have to say it feels so good to be at home today. I am not allowed to drive until tomorrow, but I have no aspirations to go anywhere so it's fine by me to stay at home. I feel soooo much better this morning. I really am very sensitive to anesthesia. I ended up in the ICU once when the contents of my stomach ended up in my lung at the beginning of an ear surgery (which was aborted). There was another woman in the recovery room who left many hours before we did. Her procedure was done a few hours before mine, but her first trip to the bathroom she made it there without throwing up or fainting, and she had a longer trip to the bathroom as my bed was closer than hers. My first attempt (about one hour after the procedure was over) I made it two steps from the bed and starting throwing up. My second attempt I made it to the doorway of the room (maybe 5 steps if you are taking baby steps like I was) and then fainted. I was given oxygen and the nurses used cold washcloths to wipe the sweat off of me. My third attempt I did actually make it to the bathroom, but once I got there I started throwing up and came very close to fainting again (nurse called them vaso-vagal ). The nurse pushed the emergency button in the bathroom and yelled out the door for someone to come help, but thankfully I didn't actually faint (but did break out in a body sweat again). Anyhow I am happy to say I can now walk to the bathroom w/o fainting or throwing up!

I went to bed at 8pm and didn't get up til 5am. I am still tired, but my stomach was growling at 5am so I got up to eat. Yesterday aside from a few sips of Sprite (which I promptly threw up) I didn't have anything to eat or drink until I got home at 5:30pm last night. I think I will take it nice and easy today, and if I nap that will be just fine. The nurse said most patients sleep for an hour after the procedure, but I only rested at the hospital. I didn't actually sleep at all.

The biggest relief to me is that my ovaries are not nearly as painful as they were yesterday. I have to admit I was very overwhelmed when the nurse said the discomfort wouldn't decrease at all for weeks unless I don't get pregnant. Well it's true I still have SOME discomfort. I am sure my ovaries are still bigger than usual, but this discomfort is far more bearable than what I had yesterday. It makes sense that having needles poked in my ovaries would make them more irritated yesterday! If the pain level had stayed as bad as it was last night, I was not sure how I could function much, but with how much better I feel today I am sure I can resume my normal activities next week except for the things I'm not supposed to do (exercise, lift heavy objects, etc.). I will post an update later today with our fertilization report!

Egg retrieval is done!

Well there were bumps in the road (like for starters it took 2 people a total of 3 tries to put in my IV), but they got 26 eggs!!! There was one follicle the RE was having trouble getting to and when they told him he had already retrieved 26 eggs he decided to just leave that last follie alone. I had an IV (conscious sedation). I wasn't too keen on that as it didn't seem to help with the pain much. The process was VERY painful in my opinion. They almost admitted me as I was there 8 hours and still throwing up whenever I tried to go to the bathroom. I fainted once and came very close to fainting a few other times (immediately would break into a total body sweat - I soaked my gown a few times which then led to me being freezing cold lying there in a wet gown). I asked that they take me to the car in a wheelchair as then I thought I'd be okay and not need to be admitted.

My ovaries are still SO tender and bloated. I thought the pressure would go down after the ER, but she said likely it won't go down for weeks unless I am not pg and then it might go down in a week. Well anyhow they got LOTS of eggs. They tried to fertilize all 26 of them (with ICSI). We'll find out tomorrow how many embies we have. They are expecting we'll have more than 10 in which case we'll do a 5dt on Monday. I am glad to be home and hoping to get a good fertilization report tomorrow! Thanks for your prayers, and I would appreciate continued prayers for our embies and also for my ovaries (that I don't get OHSS).