Sanctity of Human Life Sunday

Well since I have ended up in tears the last couple of times I've been in a church service that was focused on being pro-life, I decided not to attend the service today. I went to choir rehearsal at 8:00 am (it's usually at 7:15 pm but there was a special program tonight at 7:00 instead of the usual evening service at 6:00 pm) and Sunday School at 9:30, but I didn't stay for the 10:45 service when I saw a director of a crisis pregnancy center was the guest speaker. I've always been strongly opposed to abortion, but now that I've dealt with the heartache of longing for children but not being able to have them (we've tried to get pregnant for 57 months) or adopt them (we've tried to adopt for 27 months) as well as the pain of losing a baby in the early stage of pregnancy in July 2005, I just absolutely cannot dwell on the topic without crying. Speaking of the miscarriage, I cannot wait until the junk mail from that will end. I made the mistake of signing up for a few free things back when I was pregnant, and that resulted in a LOT of junk mail over the past 18 months. I have kept the free samples of formula and diapers that have come periodically (every time they think our child has progressed to the next size of diapers or the next stage of formula), but it's really hard to get constant reminders of how old our child would be right now if he/she wasn't in heaven. Recently they have been about our child's upcoming first birthday. :-( My due date had been 2/24. The other frequent reminder along those lines is a woman at work, who gives technology workshops, had a baby right around my EDD. She always shows pictures of her daughter at every training session, and then I always think about the baby we lost.

Anyhow, I asked our Ukrainian adoption facilitator today about "what if we adopt a newborn between now and when we travel to Ukraine" and she said - just don't volunteer that information. I think I am still leaning toward submitting our materials before the 2-9 deadline, but I am not expecting us to be chosen. In part I can't believe I am "up" for doing this again. In November I had decided I couldn't go through this again. With Lifetime we don't know the details or know when exactly we are being shown which is much easier to handle. It reminds me of all the fertility treatments. After I'd do a round, I'd say there was no way I'd put myself through that again, but then after some time passed hope would "spring eternal" and I'd be game for another whirl. So here I am again, knowing our "odds" are very slim and yet am willing to set myself up for feelings of disappointment/rejection/grief one more time just out of the hope that maybe just maybe this will be the time we get chosen. I think though that after we pay the next set of fees for adopting from Ukraine (about $5,300), I will ask to be taken off this lawyer's email list as we cannot afford to be putting money toward three different adoption options. Two is enough (Lifetime and Ukraine)!

Well hopefully I will make contact with the social worker tomorrow and be able to schedule our water test as well as our appointment to meet her at a notary and sign off on the home study.

A synopsis of the first 4 1/2 years of our journey

1. Paul and I got married in 2001 and began trying to have a baby in 2002. We began fertility treatments in 2003.
2. In the spring of 2004 we began seriously discussing various adoption options. We decided that in November we would start pursuing adoption if I wasn't pregnant by then.
3. In November 2004 we started the home study process with Jennifer, a social worker with Schuylkill County’s Children and Youth Services.
4. On December 7, 2004 we began a two year contract with Lifetime, an adoption facilitator in California.
5. In January 2005 we mailed Lifetime 50 profiles.
6. In June 2005 we learned I was finally pregnant (from our seventh round of fertility treatments). Sadly we lost this baby in July.
7. In February 2006 we began the process of completing a home study update as ours was soon to expire.
8. In March 2006 we started discussing other adoption options since the domestic newborn adoption was taking longer than we anticipated.
9. After taking many new photos, in May 2006 we mailed Lifetime 20 more profiles.
10. In September 2006 we mailed Lifetime 25 more profiles.
11. During the summer of 2006 we were added to the contact list of an attorney in Jacksonville, Florida. We considered asking to be presented for one situation in July, and then in November we were one of six couples presented to the birthfamily of a baby boy born on 11-17. We learned on December 19 that a local family would be chosen.
12. On December 19 after months of discussion about IVF and many adoption options, we decided to start pursuing the adoption of two children from Ukraine. Since the ectopic pregnancy in 2005 we completed three additional rounds of unsuccessful fertility treatments; in August we were told IVF (which we haven't tried yet) is our only remaining option.