Simultaneous

Well today the test line wasn't any darker than yesterday, BUT it showed up at the same time the control line did for the first time. The first 3 days the control line popped up first and it took awhile for the 2nd line to show up. On Monday it felt like many minutes passed. I think time was moving super slowly though. It was probably just 1 minute, but I thought for sure that day I was looking at a BFN. I am hoping tomorrow the test line might be darker than the control line. We shall see. At least there are still 2 lines!

Yesterday afternoon Nadia tasted sand again, and that time didn't like it. GOOD! She likes digging around in it with her hands. Today she only licked a toy that had sand on it once so she ingested less sand than she did yesterday which pleased Paul. Unfortunately our tour for today was cancelled so we won't be seeing Barbuda - famous for pink sand beaches and the Frigate bird sanctuary. Hopefully tomorrow's tour won't be cancelled - a snorkeling trip for Paul & I as we haven't gone snorkeling yet and that's usually my favorite thing to do in the Caribbean. So hopefully tomorrow will be our first date in 11 months. When we get back we need to start paying a babysitter to watch her maybe one night a month so we can go have dinner together or something like that. Of course we love being with our peanut, but dinners are rather rushed when you're trying to consume your meal before your baby gets fussy!

One thing I haven't mentioned is that her 4th tooth broke through on Friday night, and her two top teeth (although they haven't fully descended) are very visible now when she opens her cute little mouth.

Speaking of "peanut," Paul says we can't call the next baby by that nickname. I used that term during the pgcy until we learned her gender. He thinks of Nadia as the peanut. I asked what should we call this baby, and he suggested jellybean. I guess that will work just fine. :-) I can't wait until we have the Beta and the ultrasounds. Even the darker hpts don't take away my worries. It does help me pray a lot though! :-)

Someone mentioned not understanding all the abbreviations which is totally understandable - I assume all readers who haven't struggled with infertility might not get them so I'll define a few.

hpt = home pregnancy test
bfn = negative hpt (one line) - stands for Big Fat Negative
bfp = positive hpt (two lines)
Beta = blood test to determine hCG level
hCG = pregnancy hormone (human chironic gonadatropin)
10dp5dt = what I am today which is 10 days past 5 day (embryo) transfer

15dpo = another way of saying where I am today - usually used in reference to all cycles except ivf (days past ovulation) since you actually don't ovulate with ivf (they retrieve the eggs just before they'd pop out of the follicles on their own as they'd be impossible to retrieve after they've popped out)

Hope that helps!

Sand is Yummy!

The hpt was still very positive today, and it is much darker. In fact the test line is almost as dark as the control line. I don't think it will take until Sunday for the test line to pop up first and be darker than the control line (it took until 18dpo when my hCG was about 300 to do that last time). I am 14dpo, and the line today is much darker than at 14dpo with Nadia. So either this blastocyst implanted earlier than Nadia or more than one implanted. :-) I see many of you are voting for twins. That sounds awesome to me as I always wanted at least 3 children, but I think Paul will need smelling salts if we have 3 under the age of 2, LOL.

Today Paul was really grossed out because Nadia was licking the bottom of her sandy shoes at the beach. We assumed that if she tasted sand she wouldn't like it and would stop eating it. Wrong! She thinks sand is yummy. Paul was having a cow, but the other three adults (myself included) just smiled. It's not like we were letting her dump handfulls into her mouth. She loves swimming in the pool and the Caribbean in our arms or in her little "boat" as we call it (floating device that has a canopy).

Paul and I are going on our first date tomorrow since Nadia was born (and she's almost 11 months old). Paul's parents will watch her while we go on a day trip to Barbuda (neighboring island). I'm sure we'll miss her, but it will be great to have some couple time. :-) I think Maurice might want to tag along as we're visiting the world's largest Frigate bird sanctuary on Barbuda (my brother is a birder).

A little darker

There were still 2 lines on the hpt this morning. You can only guess how many times a day I have held the hpts in my hand and stared at the 2 glorious lines. I just looked online at the photos from 11-07, and today's looks very comparable to the one at 8dp6dt that time (which would be the same as tomorrow in terms of days past retrieval). I see that when the line got MUCH darker (as in darker than the control line) was 18dpo last time. That's what I'll be on Sunday. So that helps me keep my expectations in check so I won't be disappointed if it's not super dark on say Thursday. My heartburn went away. I just had it 2 days. I would say my only "symptoms" lately have been that I am more prone to nausea especially in a car or bus AND that I am very, very hungry in the mornings. Also I notice that if I don't eat when I get hungry, I progress to feeling nauseous sooner than usual. I am expecting the heartburn to reappear and stick around, but I would LOVE to be wrong and not have it the whole 8 months this time around (well actually 7 months last time since Nadia came about 1 month early). I am still just SOOOO glad that I am pregnant. I am of course anxious for the Betas and also the ultrasound so we know how many babies are growing in there. I will say I am praying about 100 times a day (at least) these days. I have been "praying without ceasing" - that the baby or babies would keep growing and hang on tight!! Well I'd write more, but the mosquitoes are eating me alive out here where they have the computers (it's free at least which is nice). So I'd like to know who are the two people who guessed the poll correctly (BFP on Monday)???? Just curious... :-) I'm starting a new poll regarding how many babies you think we're expecting...

TWO LINES!!!

I'll write more later about our trip, but I had to come over to the internet cafe here at the resort to post the VERY happy news that I saw TWO lines on the hpt this morning! PTL!!!!!!!! YAHOOO!!!!!!!!! At first only the one came up and I was trying to tell myself it could be too early (7dp5dt) and not to get upset yet, but then the second line popped up! It's not very dark, but it's DEFINITELY there. With my pgcy with Nadia I had a BFN at 5dp6dt and didn't test again until 8dp6dt so this is earlier than last time. I have to wait an entire week for the Beta, but I brought enough hpts with me so I can test once a day until we leave. Hoping the line is darker by the end of the week! I am sooooooooooo thankful!!! Please keep our baby or babies in your prayers. My due date is January 20, 2010 in case you were wondering, LOL. :-) Nadia is going to be a big sister!!!!!!!! I told Paul right after I tested (5am) and told Paul's mom when I saw her at 6am and told Paul's dad closer to 8am. So they were the only ones to find out in person, and although I'd rather call my mom to tell her, I sent her an email before writing this post. Thanks for ALL your prayers up until this point, and please keep praying. As one who has had a miscarriage before I know not to take anything for granted! Praying for another super sticky BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!

Antigua here we come!!!

Last night we drove to Paul's parents after Nadia's bedtime, and very early this morning got in the car and drove to the Newark airport (near NYC for those of you not from around this area). Our flight is scheduled to depart at 9:15am and arrive in Antigua a little before 2pm.

These are the last of the photos from our latest Sears photoshoot. I only ordered some of the ones I shared on Thursday, but I still think some of the ones I posted yesterday and today turned out pretty good. She's our cutie pie!!! Hopefully we'll get lots of good pics in Antigua!

Feel free to vote in the poll (top right corner). To answer Regina's ?, I'll contiue the PIO shots until 17dpo. I won't take it on Sunday night (18dpo) if it's still negative because my Beta is early on 19dpo. That's what I did with the BFN fresh cycle in 2007 (although I had the Beta at 14dpo not 19dpo). I've never had a different result from a Beta than what I got with a FRER (even got a BFP with a FRER with an hcg of 11.6 in 2005).

I became a mom in 2005, but last year was the first time I felt like celebrating Mother's Day, and many people consider this to be my first Mother's Day since it's the first one I have a child in my arms! My sister-in-law sent me a really nice Mother's Day card a few days ago that I plan to keep for years to come. Today I am 10dpo. I am hoping for the best belated Mother's day gift possible - two lines on a hpt! If that doesn't happen, it's still a great Mother's Day because I get to spend it with my daughter and hubby in the Caribbean! Paul's parents' anniversary is next week while we're away so they get to celebrate two events (Mother's Day and their 42nd anniversary) in Antigua!! Hope the 5 of us have a wonderful time!!

Right or Left?

It's interesting to see which hand Nadia uses more frequently for different activities. When she turns off the light switch (something she now does with 100% accuracy), she always uses her right hand (usually her index finger). However when she's feeding herself (she now favors Kix over Cheerios), she uses both hands but tends to favor her left hand.

I've been trying really hard not to obsess over perceived "symptoms", but yesterday I will say I had heartburn most of the day, and it's returned again this morning. The first time I ever had heartburn was during my pgcy with Nadia. It started during the 4th week (which I'll hit in 5 days) and continued even through labor. I kept telling myself yesterday that it's probably from the PIO shots. If I get a BFN of course it will be hard emotionally especially considering unlike last time, we don't have any frozen embryos. What will make it easier to take will be the fact that I can go hug my sweet little girl. I am not trying to minimize the pain of those who have secondary infertility, but I think a BFN is harder when your arms are empty. The second thing that will help is being on vacation. I hope it will help distract me if we get the bad news that we lost another set of triplets. Of course I'm hoping and praying for the best belated Mother's Day gift possible - a BFP!!!

Nadia has learned how to climb. This morning she almost got herself up into one of our kitchen chairs! I stopped her before she accomplished her goal. She had pushed one of her gyms over to the table, stood on the bottom part, got her knee up on the top part, and was holding onto the kitchen chair trying to get into the seat. Oh my goodness! We have to keep a close eye on this little girl who is definitely into exploring her world!

Paul felt his presentation went well yesterday. The last two nights put together he's had less than 6 hours of sleep. He's going to sleep well on the vacation I think! Today he's finishing writing a paper that is due next week, but since we'll be away he must submit today.

I weighed Nadia this morning, and with her clothes on she weighs a little over 20 lbs. She's a growing girl! Her 3rd tooth is quite visible now (more of it has descended), but although you can see the 4th tooth clearly through the gum, it hasn't broken through yet. I'm taking some infant Tylenol with us as I think it will break through while we're in Antigua.

Four Favorites

Nadia did a really good job smiling at Sears today. I had a hard time picking which of the 11 poses to order. I thought I'd only spend $10, but I spent $19 which still wasn't bad considering how many of the poses I loved! There were other good ones, but I'll save those to post over the next few days. :-)

This first photo (above) I got as one of 4 photos in an 8x10 collage (3 small and one big). This was one of the small ones. When we got one collage in July, we paid $30 for it. Today I got 2 collages for $5 each (one for us and one for Paul's parents). That was a good deal! :-)

Usually at Sears no matter what package or coupon you use, you get a free 10x13. Well the coupon I got by email was to get any size portrait sheet for free (so I got two 5x7's - one for us and one for my mom). You were also allowed to have a free enhancement (normally $9) and a free personalization (not sure of the cost of that). I got this one (above) enhanced. It's zoomed in (more of a close up) and has other special effects hard to describe. I didn't opt for personalization. I'll scan it when I pick it up in 2 weeks. It's really nice! I also used this as one of the 3 small ones in our collage.

This was another one of the small ones in the collage.

This is the big photo in the collage, and I got 8 wallets of this one (which is why I went over my $10 estimate of how much I'd spend). Paul and I do show our wallet photos fairly often to people at school and such so I thought it would be nice to have a more recent one for our wallet. Plus I can give one to my mom for her refrigerator. :-)

48 Hours

48 hours from now we'll be on an airplane headed to Antigua. YAHOO! 48 hours also ended up being how long I stayed on bedrest (or as my RE calls it - pelvic rest). I wanted to wash my hair badly for one thing. So about 3:30pm yesterday (since my transfer was 3:30 on Monday) I made my first trek upstairs in 2 days. I had been spending 99% of my time on the family room couch. It felt great to take a shower, sleep in my own bed, etc. I still didn't lift Nadia at all. The first time I lifted her since about 11:00am on Monday was this morning at 5:55am when she wanted out of her crib. Some RE's don't require any bedrest and some require as much as 72 hours. Hopefully 48 hours was enough - if bedrest really helps at all anyhow. Today I have gone back to normal - carrying Nadia, doing laundry, cleaning, etc.

Paul is at school for the first time in 6 days. He had a presentation to give at 9:45am and then later had to meet with the prof he TA's for to go over final grades for the students. I think when he comes home he'll be taking a nap because he got very little sleep last night (up working on his presentation). He has a paper due tomorrow and then his spring semester is over. YAY! His first priority when he gets back is to make the revisions on his master's degree thesis. He defended it in July (having written 99% of the 100+ page document in 3 weeks), but hasn't made the revisions yet. I will be glad when that's behind him as technically he hasn't earned his master's degree yet. OOPS!

I was supposed to be at interviews today at work, but I said I couldn't be there due to bedrest. Well even though my bedrest plans changed, I wouldn't have wanted to take Nadia to a babysitter again since she already spent 11.5 hours with one this week. These interviews are for adjunt positions. The GOOD news regarding the search process would be that the three tenure track candidates we selected ALL accepted their offers. HIP HIP HOOORAY! All three candidates that we selected in December had rejected their offers so I am really glad those three searches finally had a successful conclusion. One woman will be moving here from GA, one man is coming from VA, and one man is from here in PA (not sure if he'll move or not).

I have frequented the IVF discussion board a few times lately, and someone today posted a BFP. She had a 5 day transfer 6 days ago. She got a faint 2nd line yesterday (10dpo) and a darker one today (11dpo). I won't test before 12dpo, but I am not sure if I'll start testing then or wait until 13 or 14dpo. I certainly won't wait any longer than that. Regina had her transfer on Tuesday (2 great looking blasts) and finds out in 3 more days if they were able to freeze any of hers. They told her on Tuesday they thought 3 could be frozen. She started out with 13 embryos (from 21 eggs retrieved). I still can't believe that we started out with almost twice as many embryos this time (13 instead of 7) and yet only 3 of 13 were transferred (compared to 4 of 7 last time). Well I won't feel as badly about it if I see 2 lines next week! If I get a BFN I probably won't post about it. I'm not bringing my laptop so I'm not sure how easy it will be to get on a computer. However if I get a BFP I'll do my very best to post that on my blog ASAP! :-) If I have a ++ Beta on Monday, I figure it should be around 400 or so as that's where mine was at my 2nd Beta last time (which was at 19dpo which is what I'll be when this first Beta will be done). I don't like the fact that you have to get a Beta even if you know you're not pg. They don't make you do that after any other fertility cycle - just embryo transfers. I think it's because they have to report ivf data to the CDC and such.

I got a couple of great coupons in my email from Sears for photos. I am planning on only spending about $10. I wasn't planning to take her again until she turned 1, but it has been 3 months since I last took her, and these are great offers! Hopefully we'll get some good ones. :-) I figure Mother's Day is a good occasion for photos of my sweet girl. It's funny because I've avoided church many years on Mother's Day because it was too painful emotionally, but my first Mother's Day with a girl in my arms I won't be at church because I'll be on an island. I have to say though I still feel such a tenderness in my heart for those women - whether they are single and longing to become a wife & mother or whether they are married and struggling with infertility or difficulties with adopting. I know it's a rough day for many of them.

As you can see from today's photo, Nadia has learned how to open cabinet doors and kitchen drawers. :-) I'll post more photos later today from our trip to Sears.

Poor Daddy...

When Paul went to pick up Nadia yesterday, she turned and looked at him and then turned back and headed over to Sarah. This broke her Daddy's heart!!! I felt so badly for him yesterday. I tried to encourage him that Nadia loves him and not to read too much into this one event, but it really bothered him. He's always been on the insecure side in part because he can tell I am #1 to Nadia. Lately though she doesn't cry when I leave (when he's watching her) so that's helped as that also didn't go over to well with him. He always is worried that she'll forget him when I travel with her away from PA. I am praying we don't have a repeat performance when he goes to pick her up today. I am glad she enjoys being with Sarah, but her Daddy needs to know she loves him more! The good news is that aside from her 2nd nap being very short (40 minutes), she had a really good day with Sarah and the other kids yesterday. Her 1st nap yesterday was almost 2 hours (which is about 30 minutes longer than usual) so Paul took her over later than planned so she was actually there about 5 1/2 hours.

Yesterday I finished the Blackboard sites for 2 of my 3 summer courses. I plan to finish the 3rd today. I also graded one last research report yesterday. I had given this student an extension as she had a baby a few weeks ago. My other goal for today is to review an article that a journal sent me to review about a week ago. Yesterday I also enjoyed reading a novel. Today I plan to finish reading Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel which so far I am really finding to be thought provoking.

The first chapter is about the basic premise which is that we all have three driving inner needs - security, significance, and strength. The second is about grace and truth. Chapters 3-5 are on a secure love, a signifcant purpose, and a strong hope (which parallel the 3 needs). In chapter 3 he defines the love of a parent for his/her child as "the commitment of my will to your needs and best interests, regardless of the cost." Chapters 6-10 discuss the way in which he believes we can show our children how to find love, purpose, and hope in Jesus Christ. He says in grace-based families children are given the freedom to be different, vulnerable, candid, and make mistakes. The bottom line is that Tim says we should strive to treat our children the way God treats us. I am sure that is one of those things that is easier said than done, but by God's strength I want to be the best mother I can be for Nadia and any other children the Lord might send our way.

At this time in 3 days we should be on an airplane heading to Antigua. YAHOOOO! I did most of the packing last weekend. My bedrest will end tomorrow morning - it will be about 66 hours total which I think is sufficient. Tomorrow I plan to do laundry one more time and then work on packing the last few items. We're going to head to Paul's parents on Friday night around 7pm so we don't have to get up AS early on Saturday morning to drive to the Newark airport.

Then there were three

None of our remaining 4 embryos made it to blastocyst today. I figured the best case scenario was one. The odds of the three that were already 2 days behind in development catching up was probably almost zero, but I was hoping that other morula would make it although it was a day behind as well (and not as far along as the morula we had transferred yesterday). Some embryos reach morula at day 3 and blastocyst at day 4 but the "norm" is day 5 for blastocyst. Nadia took until day 6 to reach blastocyst, but we've now had 7 embyros make it to day 3 but then not make it to blastocyst by day 6, and of course I've had 3 embryos, 1 morula, and 3 blastocysts transferred to my uterus if you put the 3 transfers together. At first I felt stunned that last time we started with only 7 embryos and one did make it to the freeze whereas we started with 13 embyros this time and none made it to the freeze. Of course last time only 1 of 4 made it to blastocyst (who knows about the 3 transferred on day 3 in 2007) and 2 (probably 3) made it to blastocyst this time. I am SUPER glad though that I had that third embryo transferred yesterday. I have no regrets on that decision whatsoever.

The good news is that if I get a +++ next week it means we will have saved some $$ as the freezing costs $1,000 not to mention the costs of doing a FET. Plus if I have a sticky BFP from this fresh transfer it means we won't have any hard decisions to make regarding any frozen embryos. I would have wanted to keep transferring them, but especially if I am carrying twins or triplets, Paul would have wanted to give those frozen ones up for adoption which would have been hard for me. So I am trying to just trust that God has everything under control and there's a reason that the other 10 embryos stopped growing at various stages over the past 6 days. Of course the frightening scenario is that I lose these triplets inside me. Then I would really be wishing we could do a FET. It will be so hard to decide whether to do another fresh cycle of ivf or switch back to pursuing adoption instead. We have until December to reactivate our contract with Adoption Consultants. Reactivating our contract means doing a 4th home study and creating another batch of profiles. I forget how many we've made already, but it's more than 200. Well there's no need to figure that out now. First, we just have to wait and see if any of the three transferred to my womb yesterday will result in a heartbeat (or beats) on the ultrasound screen in about 3 weeks.

I have to admit though I feel a sense of grief today - for the 6 embryos that stopped growing before day 5 and for the 4 which didn't make it to blastocyst by day 6. They say this happens all the time with couples who get pregnant the normal way - that conception occurs far more than pregnancy. Sometimes conception occurs but not implantation, and sometimes implantation occurs but the m/c is so early that AF shows up at the regular time so the woman has no idea she was pg unless of course she's obsessive with taking hpts on the early side of things. With ivf though you know about the little lives from the first day of conception, and although you know it's almost impossible that all of them will make it, and most people aren't actually trying to have say 13 kids, it's still sad. At least for me anyhow. Especially since I've seen one of our blastocysts grow into a 10 month old baby.

It's been strange having Nadia gone for so many hours today. Paul has been upstairs in his office grading papers and working on a presentation he's giving in class on Thursday. I've been working on preparing the Blackboard sites for my summer courses. Paul said she didn't cry when he dropped her off which was great. She sees Sarah every Sunday at church which had to help. She's never been with a non-family member for this many hours in one day (6), but it would have been impossible for me to stay on bedrest AND Paul to get work done if she was here all day. I'm sure she's doing fine. She actually cries on Sunday if she sees Sarah when someone else is working in the nursery.