Time for a break

Periodically when we were trying to conceive, I would declare that I needed a break from fertility treatments. Sometimes these breaks were weeks long, and other times as long as 8 months. And during one of those breaks in 2005 I (permanently) stopped visiting the trying to conceive discussion board I had frequented daily since 2003. That is my plan now. It will be a little tricky to break myself of the new habit of checking the adoption db's - one I've been on since 2004 and three Ukraine ones I've been on since December, but I think I need to just not think about it for awhile. I am just not sure what to do. Is God trying to teach me patience and endurance? It's so frustrating to realize there are kids over there in orphanages who need parents while I am over here having longed for the day I'd be a mom for more than 20 years and am willing and ready to adopt them. I just don't know why we keep hitting roadblocks. After the incident at the doctor's office today I thought - maybe I'm not supposed to have any children after all. Maybe I am trying to accomplish something that isn't meant to happen. That's a super hard idea to accept when my biggest dream in life the last 20+ years has been to be a stay-at-home mom. Just ask my 6th grade teacher who gave me a hard time about it and said I was "wasting the brains God gave me" if I "just" became a mom. [such a lousy thing to say to anyone in my opinion]

I knew it was time to take a ttc break when the thought of putting one more needle in my belly would reduce me to tears. Well that's where I am again. The thought of collecting dossier docs makes me want to cry and cry and cry. So it's time for a break. Maybe I'll bounce back in a few weeks and start collecting the docs for a 2nd dossier. Or maybe we'll decide to do ivf (never done that) or maybe we'll decide to adopt kids through "the system" in the US (which is free) or maybe I'll come to the conclusion that God wants me to live a childless life.

I emailed Lifetime again this morning about the contract extension. I am not too hopeful, but of course if they renew our contract and need more profiles or something I will immediately get out of "break" mode. Even if they do renew, I doubt they'll need any very soon as we sent them 30 in April. And of course if our dossier is submitted on July 2 then I will be more than ready to jump into action for traveling to Ukraine in October or November. If Lifetime doesn't renew, I need to figure out what to do with all the baby stuff we own. In 2005 I bought a stroller, car seat, diapers, etc as they said we needed to be ready as sometimes you have only a few hours notice to go get a baby (when matched after baby has been born). Although a lot of it is still in boxes, I know I can't return it (didn't save the receipts but of course it wouldn't matter since it's now more than 2 years later). I definitely won't throw it all out; maybe I'll donate it to a crisis pregnancy center. I'll keep some of the children's books and such I own so I can read to my nieces and nephews, but that's about all I will keep if Lifetime says "no" again. Even if we adopt from Ukraine, we won't be adopting an infant.

So anyhow I don't plan to be blogging any more until this break is over (and I have no idea right now how long of a break I need) with the exception that I will post Lifetime's answer once I get it (I hope by tomorrow), and on July 2 (or so) I will post as to whether or not our dossier was submitted to the SDA. Thanks for all your prayers and support; I appreciate it!