A little bit pregnant

For a few decades I had hoped to have 3-4 children, but I never expected to be trying for number four when I was 41 years old. After my pregnancy with Oliver, the thought of being pregnant again was terrifying. It was the first time that I had no desire to have any more children. We considered giving our embryo up for adoption or having a surrogate carry our last embryo for us, but in the end we decided to do our fifth embryo transfer this fall. When I started stabbing my belly, I found myself again hoping and praying that I would see two lines on a pregnancy test one more time. No one was saying anything about the condition of the embryo the day of the transfer, and that was very different from the previous four transfers, which caused Paul and I to believe they must not have had much good to say about it. Despite this, I still was praying umpteen times a day that the embryo would implant and continue to grow. I was very disappointed on Thursday morning when I saw only one line because that is the day I got my first + in three of my four pregnancies, but I held out some hope that it might still be too early because I didn't test on that day with Nadia. I hadn't slept well at all on Wednesday night because I knew I was testing, and so I tested again on Thursday night to decrease the suspense so I could sleep better that night.

It was still negative on Thursday, and I slept much better that night because I had only a glimmer of hope that it would be positive on Friday. When it was still negative on Friday morning, I decided to stop taking my medications and have the Beta on Saturday morning. Friday night I resumed taking the medications because I thought I should have the Beta first. Paul bought a new tv that night, and he was planning to take our broken tv to the recycling center on Saturday. I decided to go through the baby stuff in the basement on Friday night so that he could donate those things at the same location on Saturday. I went through baby gear and clothes Oliver had outgrown as well as clothes and shoes Nadia had outgrown over the past five years and selected what I would save. I saved quite a bit of the preemie and newborn size clothing (boy and girl) because I thought the kids might be able to use it for stuffed animals and dolls, and I saved a few of my favorites in case I have grandchildren in the future who might be able to wear them. After Nadia's soccer game on Saturday morning I took one last hpt (one that only cost $1 compared to the other three had been FRER), as I didn't want to give away all the stuff unless I was sure I wasn't pregnant. I saw it was still negative, and Paul loaded up the van. Just as Paul was about to leave, the nurse called me with the Beta results. She said it was less than two and that the RE wanted me to continue the medications and have another Beta on Tuesday morning. I was at 14dpo (days past ovulation) on Saturday. In 2005 when I had my second Beta at 14dpo, the RE said there was little hope for the pregnancy because my hCG was only 25, and they expect it to be around 100 at 14dpo.

She said they still had some hope that the blastocyst had implanted late and kept emphasizing that frozen blasts sometimes are a little slower. I told Paul I wanted to hold off on donating our baby stuff and decided to stop at Walmart on the way home from the pumpkin patch because the Dollar General hpts are not as sensitive as FRER hpts. Later that evening I looked up my hCG level at 14dpo after my first embryo transfer, and it was 1.1 and that RE declared that to be a negative result and said I could stop the shots that day. I have no idea why at 14dpo two different REs would have very opposite opinions about an hCG level of less than 2. Since I bought the tests, I took one this morning, and as expected it was negative. I got a + with this brand when my hCG was only 11, even though they only advertise being sensitive at 25iu (compared to 50iu for the tests that cost $1). I decided this morning there is no way I am pregnant if I'm still getting  a negative at 15dpo and with an hCG of less than 2 at 14dpo. My hCG prior to starting the Lupron shots was less than 0.1 so that is a change, but it didn't seem to be enough for a viable pregnancy. I struggled emotionally Thursday and Friday, but by yesterday evening I was doing a lot better, which is pretty amazing as I got only three hours of sleep on Friday night (long story). I had been awake for 20 hours straight when I went to bed at 9pm last night.

Then this evening I noticed a little bit of spotting, and I knew it was too soon to be a result of stopping the progesterone. It reminded me of the spotting I had at the beginning of Oliver's pregnancy. I didn't have any spotting at the beginning with the ectopic, Ian, or Nadia. I decided to take another hpt, and it was a VERY faint bfp. It looked just like my first ++ for the ectopic in 2005, at which point my hCG was 11 at 12dpo. I quickly dug the medications back out of the trashcan and started taking them again. It seems I am pregnant. I say a little bit pregnant because that's what the RE said to me in 2005 when my hCG was so low. It seems I'm headed for another miscarriage, but I would love to be wrong. I wrote this last night but am adding an update. I took another hpt this morning (Monday - 16dpo), and the line is still faint but darker than last night. I am definitely going to keep taking my medications, have the Beta tomorrow morning, and buy some more hpts. I hope the line starts getting much darker because right now the level seems far too low to represent a viable pregnancy. What a rollercoaster ride! Yesterday morning I took many bags of maternity clothing and baby clothing to a donation shed at our church. I hope I can get them back if this proves to be a successful pregnancy! Please keep praying!! In 2005 when I saw the faint second line I was over the moon excited and had no worries about a miscarriage. This is the first time I've seen two lines and from the start been pessimistic. It feels strange to be getting ++ hpts and not be super excited. I would love to be wrong. I hope to be posting wonderful news from the Beta tomorrow.