One Year in Heaven

Dear Mom,
You've been in glory for one full year as of this morning. I knew when I left the house on July 10, 2016 that I would never see you again here on earth, but I had no idea you would pass away about 36 hours after I said goodbye. Had I known that, I would have stayed. I went back because it was tech week for A Little Mermaid, and those rehearsals were mandatory for Nadia as her performances took place later that week. As I slept on the couch beside you on July 9, I didn't sleep much because I was afraid you might pass away that night. I wanted to be near you, but I also wasn't sure I wanted to be in the room when you passed away. When I heard how precious the devotion and prayer time was before your bedtime on July 11, I really, really, really wished I had been there. Saying goodbye to you  was

one of the hardest things I have ever done in my 45 years. Every time I think of that moment, my eyes instantly fill with tears. To ease the pain, I remind myself that you are in a much better place.

I assumed that today would be really, really hard. For me I think there were other dates that were actually harder - Mother's Day, your birthday, and my birthday were probably the three hardest days for me over the past year in terms of grieving you. I still think of you first in many instances, but my brain has finally adjusted to the fact I can't call you on the phone. It took awhile for me to stop reaching for the phone to call you.  I think what is harder for me right now than the one year anniversary of your passing is Dad's upcoming marriage. I know you wanted Dad to be remarried, and I find comfort in the fact that Dad and Margie are both very happy, but it's still very difficult for me emotionally to adjust to someone else becoming Mrs. Harton. I was hoping I'd have adjusted by now, but I have no experience with this and I guess it takes more time. I think part of what makes it harder is that it's not just one person being added to our family, which is how it's always happened in the past (either by birth or marriage). This time it's as if (at least for Dad) the family is doubling in size as he develops relationships with Margie's three children, six grandkids, two nieces, nephew, etc. This is also the first time that someone is being added to our family because of the loss of someone I dearly loved.

I bought two dresses this week because JcPenney is closing the stores in our area and everything is at least 70% off. However, the other reason I bought the dresses this week was because of you. I remember you buying me a new dress each year at Easter. I remember how excited you were when dresses came back into fashion after many years of it being next to impossible for you to buy yourself a new dress. I remember how excited you would be after you bought yourself a dress that was as you called it "a winner." I found one on Monday that I really, really loved. I wanted to show it to you, but in reality I'm planning to wear it to Dad's wedding. Buying two dresses might seem like a really strange way to remember one's mother's passing, but considering I often go years without buying a dress, it was in my mind a way to honor you this week in my own unique way. I shall think of you when I wear my two new dresses. Of course hardly a day goes by that I'm not wearing something that used to be yours. I wear one of your watches and one of your bracelets almost every day. Many days I'm wearing some article of clothing that used to be yours whether that's a winter coat, top, earrings, or a bathing suit. Every time I think of you, and in some way that probably doesn't make sense to anyone else, it helps me still feel connected to you.

Well I could go on and on and on about all the instances in which you still come to my mind every week of the year, but I will just close by saying I love you and miss you and eagerly await the day when I can be in your arms again. Thank you for being my mom and for loving my three children so much. I wish they had more time here on earth with you, but hopefully all three of them will spend eternity with you in Glory.

Love you more than words can express,
Ruth