In the arms of Jesus

My phone rang at 4:22 this morning, and when I saw it was my sister, Wendy, calling, I guessed that she was calling to tell me that mom had passed away, and I was right. I had put most of these photos in this otherwise blank post last night, and part of me thinks I should change it out and just include pictures of my mom, but my mom loved her grandchildren very much so I think it is appropriate that I include these pictures from our time in Maryland last week. I will share more pictures of her in the near future. The three pictures in this post that were taken today (with my phone) are the ones of this beautiful flower arrangement that my friend sent me today and the two of Nadia below showing her wearing makeup at her dress rehearsal today for Little Mermaid.

 My dad always reads a little Scripture to my mom and prays with her before he goes up to his bedroom (I am referring to the past 6 months). My three siblings and I joined him when we were there. Wendy and I had been taking turns sleeping on the couch in the family room next to my mom the last few weeks. Last night my mom prayed out loud for the first time in awhile. She has not had the strength to talk much lately. It was physically difficult for her to do so, but she prayed for her children. And these ended up being the last words she spoke here on earth. Wendy spent the night next to her and said that at times my mom was really struggling to breathe and at other times she slept. The next time Wendy woke up and checked on my mom she discovered my mom was no longer breathing. My mom had wanted to die in her sleep, and the Lord graciously allowed that to happen. A hospital bed had been delivered on Sunday, but she hadn't been transferred into it. My mom had been in that chair for 24 hours a day for more than a week and had spent most of her time in that chair for a few months.

I wish I had not left Maryland on Sunday afternoon, but I didn't know she would pass away about 36 hours later. I wish I had been there on Monday night to hear her final words, and I wish I was there today to help my family with making the arrangements. I have been working on a slide show for her service. I have included 100 different photos of her in it (and while working on it discovered I have taken FAR more pictures of my dad than I have of my mom). Nadia and Ian are going to sing a duet of "Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus," and I am going to play "His eye is on the sparrow" on the flute. If Nadia's musical wasn't THIS week, we could have stayed, but the rehearsals this week (M-TH) were mandatory for participation in the shows (Th/Fri night). Ian is enjoying the Good News Camp (he caught his first fish today, went swimming, etc.), and all three kids are enjoying VBS. I do find comfort in knowing that I was there for 12 of her last 17 days of life since I made three trips from June 25 - July 10. My mom knew I loved her, and I knew she loved me. Wendy told her yesterday of Nadia and Ian's plans to sing a duet, and my mom nodded her head of approval. I am very happy she knew of their plan. I was wishing last week I had brought my flute to Maryland as my mom enjoyed music so much her final days (violin, singing, and piano).

Oliver doesn't grasp that she is gone. Nadia will certainly miss her but has handled it very well. Ian is the one who was bawling his eyes out when I told him, and he was in tears various other times during the day. My heart breaks for him. My great grandmothers died when I was a young child, but I didn't experience the loss of a grandma or grandpa until I was an adult. I promised my mom that I will do all I can to help all three of my kids remember her in the years to come through telling them about her, showing pictures, etc.

I had planned to attend both of Nadia's performances, but those plans have changed. I traded some of our Friday tickets for Thursday tickets this morning. I will take Oliver and Ian to Maryland on Friday morning. Ian will skip the last day of Good News Camp. The service and meal will be on Saturday. Paul and his parents will attend Nadia's show on Friday night. Nadia will stay with Grandma on Friday while Paul is at work. Paul and Nadia will leave early Saturday morning and drive right to the church for the visitation and service and then leave and head straight to Camp Susque where Nadia will be spending 7 nights. The boys and I will return to PA on Sunday night. For the last 8 years I have distinguished between the two Grandmas by using their last names (we have a Grandpa and Pop Pop so there is no confusion there). It hit me today that I should just refer to Paul's mom as Grandma because she is the only one now. I'm grateful my mom is no longer suffering and very grateful that I will see her again in Heaven, but all of us will miss her in the days, weeks, months, and years to come. Her daily emails and our almost daily chats on the phone will certainly be missed by me. Last year my parents and brother came to see Nadia's Annie performance but for the past 6 1/2 months no one from my side of the family has been joining us for these special things as they have in the past due to my mom's health and now passing. Her presence will be missed on birthdays, holidays, soccer games, basketball games, musicals, programs at church, etc. I will say that I took the news today easier than I did on Sunday when I said goodbye to her. I think Paul was expecting me to fall apart. I shed some tears, but I was far more emotional on Sunday after I said goodbye to her. I'm very grateful that her time on hospice was very short. I didn't want her to suffer any longer than necessary. My prayers were answered. Also it is a blessing that she passed before Maurice moved to Texas. I think it would have been hard for him to move if she were still alive and yet very ill. God is in control of the details of our lives.

Bittersweet

On Wednesday the kids and I drove back to Maryland. It was my third trip in 12 days and the kids second trip in 8 days. We came back home last night. It was a very bittersweet four days. It was wonderful to spend time with my 2 sisters, 1 brother, 2 brother-in-laws, mom, dad, 5 nieces, and 6 nephews. On Wednesday night all 22 of us slept under the same roof. The only person missing was Paul. We usually use all three floors of my parents house when we visit, but this time we were trying to keep the main floor quiet for my mom so my kids and I (plus Wendy and Drayton) were on the top floor, and Yvonne's family plus Wendy's kids were in the basement. Usually we all eat in the kitchen together, but this trip we ate every meal on the back patio. Usually we get to the back patio through a sliding glass door in the family room, but since that was where my mom was, we went out the basement door and around the back yard up to the patio or out the front door and around to the back patio. It was definitely different than any other time we have been there.

I toyed with not coming down on Wednesday because Nadia and Oliver had fevers and Oliver had a cough. I also was very tired, but I am very glad we went. On Thursday Joe, Drayton, Wendy, and I took all fourteen children (ages 1-13) to Six Flags. The last two years we went on or around Nadia's birthday, and what a difference a couple of weeks makes with the crowds. We were able to do FAR more on June 24 than we were on July 7 because the crowds were smaller and also because our group was smaller, but memories were made by experiencing the day with all their cousins. Nadia didn't get to ride any roller coasters even though she was finally tall enough to ride most of them (and hadn't been able to in the past), but she was able to ride a few water slides for the first time. Next year I think we'll go in June so she can ride the roller coasters without lengthy waits. It was a VERY hot day (90's) which meant we spent most of the day in the water - wave pool, lazy river, water slides, kiddie pool, etc. We spent the morning riding dry rides. Our kids were about the only ones in the kiddie ride area. They didn't have any wait for those rides. Wendy and I had Oliver, Grace, Micah, Juliana, and Joel in the kiddie area until we all met in the parking lot to eat the lunch we had packed (you can't bring food into the park). Joe had parking passes and season tickets for his family, and I had 3 free tickets so it only cost $10 (for Oliver) for the four of us to spend the day at Six Flags.Normally I am fine with taking my three kids places by myself (museums, zoos, swimming, etc.) but when it comes to amusement parks I prefer to have 2 adults for 3 children (or even 3 adults for 3 children) because of their varying heights. Some day that won't be the case, but right now it is. It was very different having 4 adults with 14 children for most of the day. Some left at 4:30 so the last two hours Joe and I had 7 children at the park. I am grateful that no one was lost or injured.  I think everyone had a good time although Susie was feeling under the weather. Nadia and Nathan were thrilled to be at least 48 inches tall as that makes a huge difference in what you can ride.

Nadia is a little taller than Nathan (he's 5 months younger than her). Oliver is a little taller than the two  three year old cousins. Susie (age 12) has passed out Jenna (age 13 1/2) in height. I think Susie might pass me out in height in the next year. I think Rachel is a tiny bit taller than Nadia. Rachel is 11 months younger than Nadia. I am grateful for the times the cousins get to spend together, and considering some live in Turkey and the others in Chicago they can go months or years in between visits.

I slept on the couch next to my mom on Wednesday night and Saturday night. I slept in a queen size bed on Thursday and Friday night. Nadia shared the bed with me on Friday night. On Sunday morning Joe and my dad took 12 of the kids to church. My sisters and I stayed home with my mom (and also two of Yvonne's who had fevers). The bitter part of the trip was seeing my mom's continued rapid decline. She was eating 0-25 calories a day. Saturday was a particularly awful day for her (vomiting, diarrhea, pain, etc.). She also began experiencing loss of consciousness (confusion) that day. Thankfully she was lucid when I said goodbye to her. She really, really enjoyed music so we took turns playing the piano for her, and Wendy played the violin when I played the piano. I also played the piano when a group of grandkids sang some hymns for her. Ian and Oliver didn't see Grandma at all over those four days. Nadia was part of the group singing hymns in the kitchen, and that was as close as she got to Grandma, but the previous week they all gave her hugs. I know she knows they love her, and they know she loves them. I am going to work very hard to help them remember her in the years to come through telling stories about her, showing pictures of her, etc. Last night I went to bed at 8:00, but tonight I want to stay up longer so that I can scan some music to Maryland so someone can learn the piano music to accompany me on a flute solo at my mom's memorial service and also so I can start working on gathering pictures of her.

I haven't talked too much on this blog about my mom's health or my feelings regarding her battles with cancer the past six months because I knew it was uncomfortable for my mom. She used to have the blog posts sent to her email, but I know she's no longer reading them so I am feeling more comfortable sharing my heart. I am going to miss my mom SO much. For the past 10+ years (I can't remember exactly when this became the norm), I have been calling my mom almost every day on the phone. It was for me the primary benefit of having a cell phone. My mom had Verizon plan also so the calls to her cell phone were free minutes before we had an unlimited calling plan. Several times over the past 6 months when I left the hospital or their house I made sure I told her how much I appreciated her, how much I loved her, etc. because I knew there was a chance I might not see her again and didn't want any regrets. I thought my emotional reaction this time would be similar to those times, but it was totally different. I expect the Lord will call her home within the next couple of weeks, and at this point I don't have any plans to return this week or next week which means I don't think I''ll see her again here on earth.

It was much harder than I expected. I thought it would be easier because I've known for 6+ months that she had stage 4 cancer. After I said my goodbyes, I went out on the front porch and sobbed my heart out to the point that I came close to throwing up and passing out. I know I will see her again in Glory, and I know soon she will be free from all pain and suffering. A neighbor from across the street, Wendy, and Maurice came to my aid with tissues, a glass of water, hugs, etc. My heart feels like it is still in Maryland, but my kids had many things on their agenda this week. Last night they started another week of VBS. This morning Nadia started "tech week" for Little Mermaid. She has practices every morning M-TH this week and the shows are on Thursday and Friday night. Ian has Good News Camp (CEF) from 9-3 Monday through Friday this week. He had a great time today. On Saturday we'll be taking Nadia to Camp Susque where she'll spend 7 nights.

On Friday Yvonne and Joe traveled to PA for Joe's niece's funeral. Thankfully someone from my parents' church brought a 19 year old over to the house to help us with watching the kids as ten kids ages 1-13 are definitely a handful. Ashley (the teenager) braided Nadia's hair in many braids which was really cute.

Yvonne and her kids are staying in the states until September 6 which means we will be seeing them again over the next almost 2 months, and we will see Wendy's family at the time of the memorial service whenever it ends up taking place. I thank those of you who have been praying for my mom and our family. Those prayers are greatly appreciated. She is going to be deeply missed by many people. I also pray that the morphine will decrease her pain at least some what. It is so hard to watch her suffer.

I had planned to run while the kids were at VBS this week but given my headache, sore throat, etc. That isn't happening thus far anyhow. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

Taekwondo

Last Monday the kids participated in a Ninja party at the library. Nadia won a prize of a free month of Taekwondo classes. It said we could have an individual or family membership. It is for ages 4 and up so I am going to sign all three kids up. I am waiting until I know what days soccer practices will be this fall, and then I will sign up for our free month. I want the kids to have a very wide range of experiences so I am happy they can do this.

When I went through the mail on Sunday evening I discovered jury summons for myself. I am really hoping I am excused given my mom's fragile health and also the fact I don't have childcare for my kids.

The last few years I have been honing my skills with taking photos of fireworks, but I didn't last night because it was raining. I was surprised they didn't postpone them. I love fireworks, but if the kids weren't dying to go, I would have skipped going in the rain, but it worked out fine since we brought umbrellas, wore raincoats, and the kids wore rain boots.  

Even though Ian went to bed two hours later than usual, he was still up well before 7:00. Oliver went to bed at the usual time since I didn't take him to the fireworks, but he was up way too early (6:07). I am one very tired Mommy. I am planning to go to bed at 8:00 tonight. Our suitcase is packed for our return to Maryland tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing my parents and my three siblings tomorrow. I wish it was for a much happier reason, but we will savor the time together. Maurice is moving to Texas next month, Yvonne lives in Turkey, and Wendy lives in Chicago. I wish we lived closer together geographically, but I am very grateful that we love each other and get along with each other which cannot be said about many other families. I was thinking today how I assumed the kids and I would go on a vacation with my parents again this year and that I had no idea last year in Williamsburg that it was my mom's last vacation. I am very thankful for all the vacations we went on as I was growing up and again more recently with my children. We have many precious memories.

Cousin Time!

The kids and I drove down to Maryland on Wednesday afternoon. Nadia played the piano for Grandma, and Ian read from his chapter book to her. I was so glad they could be with her again after a six month hiatus from visits. Thursday morning Maurice took Nadia and Oliver with him to VBS. Nadia was in his class.  Thursday afternoon Nadia had lunch with Uncle Maurice at McDonald's and then helped with a free car wash the church was doing. Thursday evening Yvonne and her family arrived at my parents' house. Grandpa did the prayer and Bible story time with the grandkids each night (as seen in two photos below). Friday morning eight of the ten children went to VBS with Maurice. The youngest two (Micah who will be 2 in September and Juliana who turned 3 in February) stayed home with us. Maurice took many of the kids to have lunch at the church after VBS. Friday afternoon Yvonne and I went with my parents to the hospital for my mom's doctor appointment. This was an emotionally difficult appointment as the decision to start hospice services was made. We tried to get them to draw a vial of blood to see if she has the BRCA1 or BRCA1 gene mutations (as a way of starting the process to see if my sisters or I are likely to get ovarian cancer), but we were unsuccessful. I hope the hospice nurse can draw that vial of blood when she's at home as it's very difficult to get her out of the house and into the SUV.

Because she is growing weaker and weaker by the day, I decided to return back to Maryland this Wednesday, which will be my third trip in eleven days. The first trip I had a smooth ride down and a long trip back home (due to an accident). The second trip down I had a long trip down (due to construction) and a smooth ride back. Hoping for a shorter ride down this Wednesday afternoon after Nadia's Little Mermaid rehearsal. On Saturday Joe and I took the eight oldest kids to DC. In hindsight we should have driven down because part of the Metro line was down and it took WAY longer than usual for us to get down there, but we made it there and back safely. Andrew wanted to go up the Washington monument, but you have to be there really early to get tickets. We ended up going to the National Museum of American History, which was a first for all the kids. Their favorite part was the first floor which included hands-on activities including legos (and they were allowed to bring home the red, white, and blue legos they used to make their "monument"). Although 7 of the 10 members of our group were boys, I asked that we girls be given at least 5 minutes to look at the first ladies' inauguration gowns on the third floor, as I remembered that being my favorite exhibit at the museum when I was a child. In PA we homeschoolers are allowed to start counting school days on July 1, so I am counting July 2 as Nadia's first day of third grade due to our field trip to DC. I want to get some days in this summer so we can reach 180 days of school in early May.

Sunday morning everyone went to church except for Mom and I. After lunch Yvonne and I took all the kids to the playground. After an early (light) supper, we started our drive back to PA. Joe also drove to PA that day as he learned on Saturday night that his 16 year old niece in PA had died very suddenly. I really enjoyed hearing Jenna play the piano each night. I hope that some day Nadia can play as beautifully as Jenna can right now. Sometimes Yvonne and Jenna played duets. My mom enjoyed being serenaded by Jenna each night. Julianna and I really bonded. She actually called me Mommy a few times. I know she knows I am not her Mommy, but it was endearing to hear her say that (although it probably has a lot to do with the fact that the word Ruth is hard to pronounce). She LOVES to help, and she truly was a big help to me in setting the table for 15 at each meal, clearing the table, washing dishes, etc. Oliver is 6 months older than Julianna and 15 months younger than Joel. He really bonded with Joel. They were often holding hands or playing together. Nadia played with several of her cousins, but she spent the most time with Andrew (who is almost exactly 3 years older than her). Ian spent the most time playing with Nathan, who is 13 months older than him. My sister, Wendy, and her family are planning to start driving to Maryland tomorrow. The kids and Drayton will spend much of the time at his parents in Williamsburg, but the kids will spend some time with their cousins in Maryland. Wendy plans to spend more than a week at my parents house so I will get to spend some time with her as well during our trip to Maryland this week. I wish we were getting together for a happier reason, but I am grateful the kids and I get to spend time with my family.

Last night our neighbor was shooting off fireworks. Nadia and Ian slept through it, but it woke Oliver up, and he had already gone to bed later than usual. As is the norm, when he stays up later than usual he gets up earlier than usual, and he was up at 6:15 this morning which was pure torture for me because I had some insomnia last night and didn't get much sleep (and was tired from the trip to MD). When he loses sleep he also usually gets a cough, and that again proved to be true for him today. I gave him two breathing treatments today for the first time in a couple of months. If he still has a cough on Wednesday, we will keep him away from Grandma. I am hoping he is feeling better by then as he really loves to hug Grandma. He loves his Grandma so much, but I fear since he is only 3 years old that he is not going to have long term memories of her, which breaks my heart. I was an adult when my three grandparents passed away (my dad's dad died before my parents were married so I never met him). I do feel confident though that Ian and Nadia will have long term memories of my mom. It's again a case of I wish I had been younger when I started having kids (as then my kids would be older now).

Paul came home from work at 8:30pm on Tuesday and turned around and left 5 1/2 hours later to go back to work (got up at 1:45 am and was out the door at 2:00 am). I figured he would spend the next four nights at his parents house (as they live 5 minutes from the plant and we live 60 minutes from the plant), but he only spent 2 nights at their house (Thursday and Saturday). He still came home on Wednesday and Friday although he was the only one here. He usually doesn't work on Sundays, but he worked yesterday so he could have today off and spend it with us. It had been 8 days since we had seen him for more than a few minutes so it was nice to have the day together. We watched our town's one hour long parade and collected too much candy. We are going to bring candy to MD to share with cousins. Oliver rode a pony and the kids petted a few different animals. After lunch at home, Paul took the kids to the swimming pool while I mowed the lawn. I had planned on including Oliver in the fireworks this evening for the first time, but since he has been SO fussy today an seems to be a little under the weather and is definitely sleep deprived, Oliver and Paul will be staying home, and I'll just be taking Nadia and Ian. I grilled burgers and hot dogs for dinner. I think we've had a very festive 4th of July! I am very thankful that we live in America. I might not like either Presidential candidate (that is quite the understatement), but I am very grateful for the freedoms we enjoy in this country.

My mom is a very special woman, and we are really going to miss her. I am praying in particular for the Lord to comfort my father as they have been married for almost 47 years and this is going to be a very painful transition for him. It is very hard to watch my mom go downhill physically, but that makes it easier for me to want to let go as I know she will be MUCH better off in Heaven. I will miss her very, very much though. Even though I've lived 3-4 hours from her the last 20 years, we have stayed in almost daily contact via emails, this blog, and phone calls. I am really going to miss her emails and our almost daily chats on the phone. I am very, very glad to know that I will be reunited with her in Glory some day. It's only a temporary separation. Heaven is our home. We're just passing through.