Bittersweet

On Wednesday the kids and I drove back to Maryland. It was my third trip in 12 days and the kids second trip in 8 days. We came back home last night. It was a very bittersweet four days. It was wonderful to spend time with my 2 sisters, 1 brother, 2 brother-in-laws, mom, dad, 5 nieces, and 6 nephews. On Wednesday night all 22 of us slept under the same roof. The only person missing was Paul. We usually use all three floors of my parents house when we visit, but this time we were trying to keep the main floor quiet for my mom so my kids and I (plus Wendy and Drayton) were on the top floor, and Yvonne's family plus Wendy's kids were in the basement. Usually we all eat in the kitchen together, but this trip we ate every meal on the back patio. Usually we get to the back patio through a sliding glass door in the family room, but since that was where my mom was, we went out the basement door and around the back yard up to the patio or out the front door and around to the back patio. It was definitely different than any other time we have been there.

I toyed with not coming down on Wednesday because Nadia and Oliver had fevers and Oliver had a cough. I also was very tired, but I am very glad we went. On Thursday Joe, Drayton, Wendy, and I took all fourteen children (ages 1-13) to Six Flags. The last two years we went on or around Nadia's birthday, and what a difference a couple of weeks makes with the crowds. We were able to do FAR more on June 24 than we were on July 7 because the crowds were smaller and also because our group was smaller, but memories were made by experiencing the day with all their cousins. Nadia didn't get to ride any roller coasters even though she was finally tall enough to ride most of them (and hadn't been able to in the past), but she was able to ride a few water slides for the first time. Next year I think we'll go in June so she can ride the roller coasters without lengthy waits. It was a VERY hot day (90's) which meant we spent most of the day in the water - wave pool, lazy river, water slides, kiddie pool, etc. We spent the morning riding dry rides. Our kids were about the only ones in the kiddie ride area. They didn't have any wait for those rides. Wendy and I had Oliver, Grace, Micah, Juliana, and Joel in the kiddie area until we all met in the parking lot to eat the lunch we had packed (you can't bring food into the park). Joe had parking passes and season tickets for his family, and I had 3 free tickets so it only cost $10 (for Oliver) for the four of us to spend the day at Six Flags.Normally I am fine with taking my three kids places by myself (museums, zoos, swimming, etc.) but when it comes to amusement parks I prefer to have 2 adults for 3 children (or even 3 adults for 3 children) because of their varying heights. Some day that won't be the case, but right now it is. It was very different having 4 adults with 14 children for most of the day. Some left at 4:30 so the last two hours Joe and I had 7 children at the park. I am grateful that no one was lost or injured.  I think everyone had a good time although Susie was feeling under the weather. Nadia and Nathan were thrilled to be at least 48 inches tall as that makes a huge difference in what you can ride.

Nadia is a little taller than Nathan (he's 5 months younger than her). Oliver is a little taller than the two  three year old cousins. Susie (age 12) has passed out Jenna (age 13 1/2) in height. I think Susie might pass me out in height in the next year. I think Rachel is a tiny bit taller than Nadia. Rachel is 11 months younger than Nadia. I am grateful for the times the cousins get to spend together, and considering some live in Turkey and the others in Chicago they can go months or years in between visits.

I slept on the couch next to my mom on Wednesday night and Saturday night. I slept in a queen size bed on Thursday and Friday night. Nadia shared the bed with me on Friday night. On Sunday morning Joe and my dad took 12 of the kids to church. My sisters and I stayed home with my mom (and also two of Yvonne's who had fevers). The bitter part of the trip was seeing my mom's continued rapid decline. She was eating 0-25 calories a day. Saturday was a particularly awful day for her (vomiting, diarrhea, pain, etc.). She also began experiencing loss of consciousness (confusion) that day. Thankfully she was lucid when I said goodbye to her. She really, really enjoyed music so we took turns playing the piano for her, and Wendy played the violin when I played the piano. I also played the piano when a group of grandkids sang some hymns for her. Ian and Oliver didn't see Grandma at all over those four days. Nadia was part of the group singing hymns in the kitchen, and that was as close as she got to Grandma, but the previous week they all gave her hugs. I know she knows they love her, and they know she loves them. I am going to work very hard to help them remember her in the years to come through telling stories about her, showing pictures of her, etc. Last night I went to bed at 8:00, but tonight I want to stay up longer so that I can scan some music to Maryland so someone can learn the piano music to accompany me on a flute solo at my mom's memorial service and also so I can start working on gathering pictures of her.

I haven't talked too much on this blog about my mom's health or my feelings regarding her battles with cancer the past six months because I knew it was uncomfortable for my mom. She used to have the blog posts sent to her email, but I know she's no longer reading them so I am feeling more comfortable sharing my heart. I am going to miss my mom SO much. For the past 10+ years (I can't remember exactly when this became the norm), I have been calling my mom almost every day on the phone. It was for me the primary benefit of having a cell phone. My mom had Verizon plan also so the calls to her cell phone were free minutes before we had an unlimited calling plan. Several times over the past 6 months when I left the hospital or their house I made sure I told her how much I appreciated her, how much I loved her, etc. because I knew there was a chance I might not see her again and didn't want any regrets. I thought my emotional reaction this time would be similar to those times, but it was totally different. I expect the Lord will call her home within the next couple of weeks, and at this point I don't have any plans to return this week or next week which means I don't think I''ll see her again here on earth.

It was much harder than I expected. I thought it would be easier because I've known for 6+ months that she had stage 4 cancer. After I said my goodbyes, I went out on the front porch and sobbed my heart out to the point that I came close to throwing up and passing out. I know I will see her again in Glory, and I know soon she will be free from all pain and suffering. A neighbor from across the street, Wendy, and Maurice came to my aid with tissues, a glass of water, hugs, etc. My heart feels like it is still in Maryland, but my kids had many things on their agenda this week. Last night they started another week of VBS. This morning Nadia started "tech week" for Little Mermaid. She has practices every morning M-TH this week and the shows are on Thursday and Friday night. Ian has Good News Camp (CEF) from 9-3 Monday through Friday this week. He had a great time today. On Saturday we'll be taking Nadia to Camp Susque where she'll spend 7 nights.

On Friday Yvonne and Joe traveled to PA for Joe's niece's funeral. Thankfully someone from my parents' church brought a 19 year old over to the house to help us with watching the kids as ten kids ages 1-13 are definitely a handful. Ashley (the teenager) braided Nadia's hair in many braids which was really cute.

Yvonne and her kids are staying in the states until September 6 which means we will be seeing them again over the next almost 2 months, and we will see Wendy's family at the time of the memorial service whenever it ends up taking place. I thank those of you who have been praying for my mom and our family. Those prayers are greatly appreciated. She is going to be deeply missed by many people. I also pray that the morphine will decrease her pain at least some what. It is so hard to watch her suffer.

I had planned to run while the kids were at VBS this week but given my headache, sore throat, etc. That isn't happening thus far anyhow. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.