Feels like a miscarriage

I know most would say I was not technically pregnant as pregnancy is usually defined as beginning when the embryo implants into the uterus, and likely that didn't happen. But I knew there were three tiny little lives placed inside of me - so I felt pregnant. Many women after having the embryo transfer use the phrase PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). When we did inj/iui and found out it didn't work, it was very upsetting, but it didn't feel like a miscarriage. We had no knowledge whether conception occured or not. And now that we know about the morphology issue we can probably safely assume conception never occured; especially given we had such a low fertilization rate even with ICSI which is supposed to overcome almost any male factor issue and bring the fertilization rate up to 50-85%.

Anyhow I have noticed that the way I have felt the last three days has been most similar to how I felt in July 2005 with my miscarriage rather than how I felt after the other medicated cycles. After the transfer, many times a day I would put my hand over my belly and pray for my little tiny babies and talk to them and refer to myself as Mommy when speaking to them. I have found myself looking at the ultrasound picture a lot the last three days. Ironically I have an ultrasound photo this time even though I don't have any positive hpts whereas in 2005 I didn't have any ultrasound photos given to me (although many were taken) but I saved a few of the hpts. Every once in a while I get them out. They are the only tangible reminders that I have of that baby we lost in 2005. And now this one u/s photo is all I have of this. I wish they had given me photos of the embryos; I know some clinics do that. In some senses it was harder in 2005 because I actually saw 2 lines on a hpt, I think mostly it is much harder this time because I knew there were 7 little tiny lives that began on August 1. I felt so sad on August 7 when I learned three of them didn't make it. Of course I felt even more sad when I found out on August 14 that the three inside me didn't make it either. It's rather overwhelming to lose six tiny babies in one week.

A friend who taught at the school where I was principal reminded me of a story of a parent at the school who struggled with secondary infertility. When she did IVF none of the embyros survived after the fresh transfer, and they only had one frozen embryo. That one frozen embryo did result in a beautiful little girl (who was a student at the school). So that story reminded me that although the "odds" might be small, there is still hope that this last embryo will result in a baby in our arms in 2008. The fact this embryo was still growing strong after 6 days in the lab is a good sign.

A couple of friends I know who have done IVF in the past (and not gotten pregnant) emailed me how it felt like a miscarriage to them. I am so grateful they said that. I had been thinking it the past three days but hadn't verbalized that in any way to anyone as I thought people might think I was crazy as by clinical standards I was never pregnant this time. So I feel better in knowing that I am not alone in feeling like I am grieving the loss of 6 little tiny babies.

Please keep praying for me. I don't feel "myself" physically or emotionally yet. I feel on the verge of tears most of the time. Simple things like taking a walk with Paul (forget jogging or even a brisk walk!) brings about aches and pains in various places and some are very intense. If they don't subside in the next few days I will call the doctor. I figure it will take time for my body to get back to normal after all it has been put through. I still get these hot flashes from time to time also. And I could go on but I won't bore you with all my aches and pains, LOL.

In terms of adoption, we assembled 10 more profiles for Cathy tonight, and I will mail them tomorrow. We also have pretty much decided not to be presented to "Ashley." Given how much she took, the meidcal professionals I have spoken with think there is a high probability of a severe problem (mental retardation for example). I admit part of me is still tempted to pursue it as the thought of becoming a mommy in a month is of course VERY appealing, and of course there is a chance that she will be okay (meaning just a mild learning disability or something like that). I am still praying for the little girl that she WILL be adopted by a loving family. Of course if I gave birth to a special needs child it would be a different story, but we don't feel comfortable choosing that situation right now.

Probably it's for the best we're not being presented in light of my emotional state as well. Basically waiting to hear if she picked us or not would feel like another 2ww. I don't think I'm up for another 2ww quite yet. So for not I think we'll just stick with Cathy. Hopefully she'll get us a match soon, and well we have about 3 months left with Lifetime but I'm not holding my breath there! I will stay on Mark's email list, but we aren't going to apply for this situation. And of course we are looking forward to our appt with the RE on Aug 30 when we can learn about the FET process. I so badly hope this 7th embryo is the one that STICKS.