This is going to hurt...

It hit me today that I have heard that expression quite a bit in the last 4 weeks. Today it happened when the phlebotomist had stabbed me. Having blood drawn does NOT usually bother me unless I've had it every other day for a week or more. Anyhow after she stabbed me she said something like "I made a mistake; I have to move it; this is going to hurt." She wasn't kidding! She kept apologizing and saying how sorry she was. I just walked out thinking why does EVERYTHING have to hurt so much - even a simple blood draw?!?! I mean the last thing I wanted to do today was spend one hour of my day driving to and from the hospital to have a blood test done to prove what I already knew to be true - I am not pg. I will say it was not AS bad as July 2005 when I had to coming back and coming back to make sure my HCG went all the way down. That was beyond ironic. I had longed for years to HAVE hcg in my system and here I was having a Beta done every week to see if the HCG was going away????

Anyhow I really just didn't want to even walk into the RE clinic today, so I asked Paul to go with me, and he did. He's been an utter sweetheart. Yesterday I had tested at 5am but didn't tell him til maybe 6:30am. After we talked and I cried and he held me, he started offering things like - want me to go make you breakfast and you can eat in bed? (never had that offered to me before!) All day long he just kept giving me lots of hugs and back rubs and back scratches, etc.

Well hearing "this is going to hurt" today triggered in my mind several other times I was told that over the past month+. It started with the day of the IVF testing. This is going to hurt more than usual because your uterus is tilted and your cervix is very tight. That I would say ranked as the #2 most painful experience of the whole IVF process. It wasn't made any better when the RE left the speculum in me longer than necessary so he could have a chat with Paul about why people shouldn't buy products made in China. HELLO?!?! I am in pain here - can we save the conversation for a time when there isn't a speculum inside me?!?! I cried and squeezed the daylights out of Paul's hand. I was told this would be less painful than an HSG. Well let me tell you the HSG that I had in 2003 was a cake walk compared to the HSC. Then of course the pain level grew and grew as the follicles grew in size and quantity. The last ultrasound I had took 15 minutes and was sheer agony as my ovaries were very tender and very large with 30+ follicles growing. I have had more than 50 ultrasounds the past 4 years and usually they are totally painless. And of course I have already spoken to how painful the 45 minute retrieval was. I could feel everything and well I just don't even want to relive it in my mind. That was definitely the most painful experience of the whole IVF process and was again worse than usual because my ovaries were so very large and tender. In comparison the transfer was a breeze, but it wasn't very fun having an ultrasound wand pressed on my VERY full bladder (and sore ovaries) for 15 minutes. I will not drink as much before the FET.

And it hurts emotionally that I am still physically being effected by the PIO shots. Every step I take is painful because my hips are so sore. The last four nights I bled quite a bit after each injection. And that is the reason I went in and had the Beta 2 days early. I am grateful I am being spared shots # 60 & 61. If I was pregnant I would gladly continue them, but it was very hard to have the shot last night when I knew I wasn't pregnant and there was really no point. Obviously the side effects that I was hoping were pgcy symptoms were in fact just side effects from the PIO shots. Today I have still struggled with nausea and I have sort of mini hot flashes. Paul joked at the 90th bday party celebration that it took 6 years of marriage before we experienced a time where I wanted the A/C turned up higher than he did. Everyone laughed. But it was true - last week he actually got cold I turned it up so much (usually I am the one who is cold). I have fanned myself in my office at work and in the classrooms and typically in the summer I complain that they have the A/C too high. I noticed none of my students were fanning themselves so again I know my thermostat is out of whack at the moment. Anyhow it's just hard as when I experience these physical side effects it makes me soooooooo sad as it reminds me of the six babies we have lost in the last 8 days.

Okay, enough of all that. Today I went to Staples and had 10 more profiles made for Cathy (we had a misunderstanding a few weeks ago as I thought she only wanted us to send 30 more but she wanted us to send 40 more). So tomorrow Paul and I will work on punching holes, tying ribbon, etc. for these 10. We will then have produced 190 profiles in the past 32 months. Please keep praying for wisdom for us as far as "Ashley" in Florida. I keep changing my mind. I spent a long time revising our answers to the questionnaire last night (tried to use a lot of the text from our newest profile), and I made 4 copies of it plus a copy of our home study (stuff he requires for the packet). But I am still torn. I talked to a nursing prof at BU today who teaches the alcohol and drug abuse type classes at BU. Alcholism is her "speciality" in terms of research. She said that the odds are high this little girl will have more than a mild learning disability given the quantity of alcohol that was consumed at a critical time period. She said drinking in the first trimester is more devastating than at any other time of the pregnancy. And she said that although cocaine in and of itself isn't "too" bad for the baby, she said cocaine + alcohol is worse than either one by itself. She said the marijuana and cigarettes aren't so bad, and again that Xanax by itself wouldn't have been bad but Xanac + alcohol isn't good for the baby.

Of course if I were to have become pregnant, there's no guarantee we'd have had a healthy baby. With every pregnancy there is some risk of the child having special needs of some sort. But it's a little different with adoption as in some cases (particularly when you adopt a child after they're born and have a better idea what their "issues" are) you are left with the decision as to whether you will purposefully adopt a special needs child. If an ultrasound had been done and we knew the baby's size, head measurements, etc., it would be fairly obvious whether this little girl has FAS or not. I wish I knew whether we would be dealing with a learning disability or something far more severe than that. Part of me just says, pay the $100 and see what happens - if God wants you to raise this little girl then Ashley will pick you, and if He doesn't, she won't. Part of me says - you're just applying because you want so badly to be a mom that you're not thinking things through clearly. Your heart is hurting from having lost 6 embryos, and you're jumping into something without giving it enough thought and prayer. Every person I talk to seems to change my mind back and forth in opposite directions. So anyhow please pray for wisdom. I am just not sure what is the right thing to do at this moment.

I want to close on a more positive note. I am thankful we still do have one frozen embryo although I have to say it feels weird to think my baby is frozen at the moment!!! I told Paul I would like to do the transfer sometime in the next four months. There are many couples who do IVF and don't have any frozen embryos. One woman I know online was told by her clinic that only 25% of the couples doing IVF at that clinic end up with any frozen embryos. Many of my friends who have done IVF have not had any that were able to be frozen. So I am thankful we do have one more chance at pregnancy without me doing IVF again.