Feeling Blue

As a mom it seems at times as if your children need 100% of your time and energy. Of course that is impossible as moms are human beings not robots. We have our own needs. The list of needs gets whittled down as small as possible. Some days that list has been as small as going to the bathroom and getting four hours of sleep while they slept. While the children are awake, aside from going to the bathroom (which generally entails bringing one of them with me because it isn't safe to leave the two of them together without an adult present) the main need I usually succeed in meeting is to eat. I have to say though there have been a few days when I didn't even eat lunch, and if you know me in person, you know I rarely skip a meal due to blood sugar issues. I knew that the dentist visit wasn't going to be good last week because I've been rushing to nurse Ian in the morning and so there have been many days when my teeth have only been brushed once. When the hygienist said something last Monday, I replied that life had been really hectic the past 4 months and I barely have time to get a shower or brush my teeth these days. She said I need to build Mommy time in to my schedule that must include brushing twice a day and flossing once a day. Since that appointment I've at least been trying to get back in the habit of brushing at least twice a day. I know I need to start flossing, but to do so is going to mean less sleep as I'd need to do that before going to bed. When the kids are in bed the need that usually trumps all others is sleep. The person who suffers the most for that decision of mine is my hubby. We really haven't had much time together the past four months since I generally hit the hay within 15 minutes of putting the kids in bed, and part of that time is brushing my teeth, washing my face, putting on my pjs, etc. Well to be honest there have been many days I haven't even bothered to change clothes and have just gone to bed in whatever I've been wearing that day.

I figured I wouldn't have time for a shower yesterday morning so I took one on Saturday morning after I finished mowing the lawn. I did hope to wear some makeup yesterday, but I didn't have time even though I was up for 3.5 hours before we left for church. I've planned to wear makeup 3 times this year (Sears pictures, Easter, and Ian's dedication), but I only succeeded once (Sears pictures). Since I didn't get a shower yesterday I had to have one today. Ian's first stretch was 5 minutes shy of 8 hours but then I couldn't get him to go back to sleep. He was up from 4:15am until 12:30pm! I tried MANY times to get him to take a nap during that time span, but it never happened. So at 8:45 I put him in his crib and let him cry (scream) while I took a shower. What choice did I have? I felt badly, but I need to get a shower at least every other day especially when I am going to work that day.

I had hoped to have a little "Mommy time" on Saturday. The plan had been that I would borrow Paul's mom's car and spend maybe an hour at the mall near their house while Paul was at the party and while they watched the kids. I kept changing my mind as to how I was going to spend that hour. I was torn between either getting a manicure or doing some shopping for myself. Some women just love to shop. I am not one of them, but I do enjoy going shopping now and then and aside from maternity clothes I haven't shopped at a mall for clothes or shoes for myself the past 2 years. I was hoping to buy myself a new pair of earrings and a new pair of shoes. Nothing extravagent but those little things can be special treats to probably most women. In fact the pair of shoes I wanted to replace I have owned since high school. Yes, I've worn this pair of shoes for over 20 years. Considering I haven't bought any new shoes in 2 years I think I'm overdue. Since Nadia wasn't feeling well, I just couldn't leave her. Sick children need to cuddle with their mothers! I think a sick child's needs almost always trump yours. I really, really, really, really wanted Nadia to be at Ian's dedication yesterday. That was just MY desire though not what was best for her. Even though I know I did the right thing to let her stay home with my mom, I still am having some regrets over that decision since well her brother's dedication is a once in a lifetime event. Of course she would have been oblivious and she had a lovely time with my mom and got to take a 3+ hour nap so she was better off staying home. In some ideal world though my mom and Nadia would have been present for Ian's dedication.

I think that I need to schedule one date a month with Paul. We've gone on one date the past 4 months, and that's not enough. We are scheduled to go out this Thursday and ironically I am tempted to postpone those plans. I feel like it's the wrong week to go out because the kids are with babysitters too much this week. Paul didn't get much schoolwork done this weekend so he asked me to ask Beth to babysit both Monday and Tuesday whereas he usually does one of those, and she already was coming on Friday because this is the one Friday afternoon a month I go to work. Usually they kids are with a babysitter only one day a week. If I go out to dinner with him on Thursday night then they'll be with a babysitter four days this week. I also think once a month I am going to ask if Paul will watch the kids for an hour or two on Saturday so I can do something like get a haircut or a manicure or go shopping for a new pair of earrings. I usually get my haircut every two months, but I've been able to go longer this time since it was cut SO short in January.
The last two days have been rough ones emotionally. In addition to struggling with feeling like I never get 5 minutes to myself, I have been feeling rejected. It's been years since I got a rejection from a conference proposal. I've gotten plenty regarding publications. It usually has taken multiple submissions for my manuscripts to be accepted, but I've had almost every single conference proposal accepted. Only one other time did I get a conference rejection, and I've sent many conference proposals the past 7 years as most years I've spoken at 2-3 conferences and often done more than one session at each conference. I only applied for one conference for next school year. I sent in two proposals "just to be safe." Both were rejected. I got the emails today. Since I already have tenure and promotion and am not trying to work towards full professor, it's not really a big deal, but it still stung a bit emotionally.

The bigger rejection was last night when Ian refused to nurse. It was like deja vu from Nadia. It hurt a lot. I thought maybe I didn't have any milk, but I had a lot of clogged ducts by the time he woke up so I don't think that was the case as my body had adjusted to him sleeping 8 hours. He didn't have any formula prior to 1pm yesterday but from that point until he went to bed at 8:20 he had 10 ounces. He's never had that much on a day I was with him the whole day. It really bothered me. I need to stop caring how much formula he has in a day. I want him to gain weight. He goes to the doctor's tomorrow. I'm sure he'll be over 9lbs so at least he gained 2 lbs over the past 2 months. I am hoping to nurse him 12 months, but at this point I think it will be a success if we go a full 6 months. I hope we make it that far. He didn't reject me today. Whew...