I weighed Oliver this morning, and he hadn't gained much since Tuesday. Over the past 12 days his weight gain has been less than desirable, and I think that's because I've decreased how much I've given him by bottle over the past 7 days. I'm thinking that if he's been not getting enough that this could also be why he hasn't been sleeping well at night (unless he's in my arms). I felt really sad when I saw the number on the scale. I've worked so hard for the past 10+ weeks toward the goal of exclusive nursing. For the first four weeks I pumped 8-12 times a day. I've definitely been drinking more water than I did when nursing Nadia or Ian. I've been pumping every day for 10 weeks, far longer than I pumped with Nadia or Ian. I am not sure what the problem is as he has been nursing pretty well. Sometimes he still falls asleep, but if I pull him off me (when he's gone to sleep) that usually wakes him up and he'll latch on and nurse some more. I was on the verge of tears every time I thought of this "surrender" today, but my desire for him to gain weight is greater than my desire to get him off the bottles. 
Today I went back to giving him 35ml of expressed milk each time after I've nursed him. I also put away the pump. That was definitely a waste of money considering I bought it not many weeks ago for $75. I'll keep giving him the milk we have in the freezer, but when that runs out, he'll be getting formula in his bottles instead of my milk. I am trying to remind myself I have not failed even though that's definitely what it feels like. I am grateful he's still nursing. Hopefully he'll keep nursing for at least 10 more months, and hopefully sometime during that time span he'll get off the shield. Maybe the shield is the problem, but right now I don't think he's ready to come off of it. Nursing him hasn't gone like I hoped and prayed it would, but it could have been much worse. A woman who was in the hospital room two doors down from me this summer (she was on the antepartum unit for more than 10 weeks) really wanted to nurse her daughter. Her milk never came in even though she was pumping around the clock for a couple of weeks before she resigned herself to the notion that her daughter would be a formula baby. In the grand scheme of life, my sorrow is over a very small thing. I'm hoping once he starts eating solid food we can eliminate the bottle feedings.
Paul's parents watched Nadia and Ian for about 5 hours at our house today. I did a little grocery shopping, and then after Paul came home we went shopping. I wouldn't call it a date as aside from the time we were in the car (during which I was in the back seat with Oliver), we weren't together. On the way to the mall we stopped at a consignment shop. Oliver and Paul stayed in the car while I shopped. I bought Oliver a three piece sweater outfit (size 0-3 month) and Ian three pairs of footed pjs (size 3T) for $8.50 total. 
At the mall I carried Oliver in the Weego. He slept most of the time. Paul shopped for a new pair of jeans and a new pair of sneakers for himself. I ran in and out of 7 stores (BonTon, JCP, Gap, Gymboree, etc.) and actually made purchases at two stores (Macy's and Sears). I was just shopping the clearance racks for Nadia, Ian, and Oliver. Altogether I paid $52.18 for 16 summer items (most were 2 piece ouftifts). The original prices totaled $294.93, which represents a discount of 82%. I am going to try to do as much of my Christmas shopping online as possible so I might not be back in a mall for 3 or 4 more months until it's time to shop the clearance racks again. I think I'm done shopping for Nadia and Ian for Christmas (and Ian's birthday). I am not planning on buying Oliver anything. I haven't gotten started on shopping for anyone else on the long list though. I had better get started!
Paul and I haven't been on a date since May. It would have been nice to go out to dinner together tonight, but we deemed the shopping to be more important. We have plans for tomorrow and also for November 3 (the circus!), but other than that I don't think we'll be seeing much of Paul over the next 6 weeks. I'm going to feel like I'm a single parent as Paul is going into serious writing mode to complete his dissertation. His last article is ready to be submitted to the journal Analytic Chemistry, and his advisor has written his letter of recommendation so he's planning to submit his 7 applications on Monday. Neither of us will be getting much sleep over the next 6 weeks - in my case because of Oliver and in Paul's case because of finishing his PhD. We'll go on a long overdue date after he defends his dissertation in December. What a happy day that will be!!!
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