New Normal

As I sat in church this morning it hit me that it was my first time in the building since June 19. On June 26 I watched my parent's church service live on my mom's laptop while sitting next to her in the hospital. My dad and I had taken her to the ER the night before. That proved to be her last CT scan, last hospitalization, last IV, etc. July 3 I sat beside her in their family room and watched it again on her laptop. She and I were home alone that morning which was a sweet time but also proved a bit challenging after she needed bathroom type assistance because at that point she was in the lazyboy chair 24 hours a day. For most of the previous 6 months she had been using a potty chair that was located right next to the lazy boy in the family room. It was challenging to assist her all by myself (from then on it was a 2 person job). On July 10 I sat beside her again and my sisters (and two nephews) were also in the room. She was experiencing some confusion. That day was the last time I got to hear my mom's voice, last time I got to hug her, last time I got to talk to her, etc. It was heartbreaking.

July 17 I sat in my parents' church on Sunday morning in a pew filled with my siblings, my dad, and my sisters' husbands. It was the day after we had just sat in that same sanctuary for her funeral. Today I helped out during the first service in Nadia and Ian's class, and then four of us (minus Oliver who was in his classroom still) sat in church. The tears flowed down my face at several moments. One song we sang we had also sung at my parents' church last Sunday. Yes it felt like life had returned to normal since I was back in our church after having been away the previous 4 Sundays in Maryland, but this new normal involves far more tears as I adjust to life without being able to hug my mom or talk to her again until we are reunited in Glory. I can't tell you how many times a day something happens and I think "I need to tell my mom about that" and then remember I can't tell her. I wish I could tell her about Nadia's experience at camp (pictured above with her friend at camp an pictured at right with her counselor) or about the baseball game we went to today (first time for the kids) or about how I found out yesterday morning that we will be going to Cape Cod in September. Whenever I wish for just one more hug or one more conversation, then I remember all that she was going through at the end of her life and remind myself how torturous it was to watch her suffering and am grateful that she is in a better place. But she is missed...

Last year Nadia received an email from my mom every day at camp. I wish I had saved those. I asked other relatives to email Nadia to try and fill in the gap left by my mom's passing (she left behind BIG shoes to fill). Paul's mom sent her a couple of emails plus a care package through the mail and my sister Yvonne sent her an email. While I was at Camp Susque yesterday I was thinking about how the last time I was on that property my parents were with the kids and I. It was my parents first time there. They were up to celebrate Ian's and my dad's birthdays (which are 2 days apart). I had no idea then that it would be my mom's last trip to PA, last time she celebrated one of my children's birthdays, last time she celebrated my dad's birthday, etc. She did a great job of making birthdays special for us as we were growing up and continued to do so as we were adults and then with her grandchildren. She will be missed....

I haven't attended many baseball games over the years, and I wasn't too fond of the ones I did attend. It felt like there was so much down time, and that it took forever before they actually pitched the ball. I much preferred watching hockey, tennis, football, ice skating, or gymnastics. Well this minor league game was enjoyable. We had free tickets so I told the kids they could each pick out one thing to buy (food or drink) that was under $5 (Nadia's choice was only $1) as the game started at 5:05 pm. The first nine innings lasted 2 hours. The home team scored their first run in the bottom of the 8th inning, but then the visiting team scored one in the top of the 9th. We stayed for the tenth inning, but when it was still tied up 1-1 at that point we decided to head home because Oliver and Nadia were really tired. Ian wanted to stay because they were allowing kids ages 1-12 to run around the bases at the end of the game with the mascot. I looked online later and discovered the home team won in the bottom of the 11th inning, but of course we had no way of knowing the game would end soon. It could have lasted a lot longer. They had fun things in between the innings and mascot was shooting t-shirts, shooting a water gun, etc. I was glad I had taught the kids the song "Take me out to the ball game" as they had everyone sing that at the 7th inning. Since Nadia and Ian are starting a softball/baseball clinic tomorrow night, I was glad they could watch this game tonight and start to learn a little about the game of baseball. I think we will be returning to the field, maybe not again this year but probably next year and in other years in the future. Even though it was 95 degrees outside, we had a good time. Thankfully the stadium provides a lot of shade for the guests.

The girl at the far right is also named Nadia! She is 3 and was in Oliver's VBS class.