Well since I have ended up in tears the last couple of times I've been in a church service that was focused on being pro-life, I decided not to attend the service today. I went to choir rehearsal at 8:00 am (it's usually at 7:15 pm but there was a special program tonight at 7:00 instead of the usual evening service at 6:00 pm) and Sunday School at 9:30, but I didn't stay for the 10:45 service when I saw a director of a crisis pregnancy center was the guest speaker. I've always been strongly opposed to abortion, but now that I've dealt with the heartache of longing for children but not being able to have them (we've tried to get pregnant for 57 months) or adopt them (we've tried to adopt for 27 months) as well as the pain of losing a baby in the early stage of pregnancy in July 2005, I just absolutely cannot dwell on the topic without crying. Speaking of the miscarriage, I cannot wait until the junk mail from that will end. I made the mistake of signing up for a few free things back when I was pregnant, and that resulted in a LOT of junk mail over the past 18 months. I have kept the free samples of formula and diapers that have come periodically (every time they think our child has progressed to the next size of diapers or the next stage of formula), but it's really hard to get constant reminders of how old our child would be right now if he/she wasn't in heaven. Recently they have been about our child's upcoming first birthday. :-( My due date had been 2/24. The other frequent reminder along those lines is a woman at work, who gives technology workshops, had a baby right around my EDD. She always shows pictures of her daughter at every training session, and then I always think about the baby we lost.
Anyhow, I asked our Ukrainian adoption facilitator today about "what if we adopt a newborn between now and when we travel to Ukraine" and she said - just don't volunteer that information. I think I am still leaning toward submitting our materials before the 2-9 deadline, but I am not expecting us to be chosen. In part I can't believe I am "up" for doing this again. In November I had decided I couldn't go through this again. With Lifetime we don't know the details or know when exactly we are being shown which is much easier to handle. It reminds me of all the fertility treatments. After I'd do a round, I'd say there was no way I'd put myself through that again, but then after some time passed hope would "spring eternal" and I'd be game for another whirl. So here I am again, knowing our "odds" are very slim and yet am willing to set myself up for feelings of disappointment/rejection/grief one more time just out of the hope that maybe just maybe this will be the time we get chosen. I think though that after we pay the next set of fees for adopting from Ukraine (about $5,300), I will ask to be taken off this lawyer's email list as we cannot afford to be putting money toward three different adoption options. Two is enough (Lifetime and Ukraine)!
Well hopefully I will make contact with the social worker tomorrow and be able to schedule our water test as well as our appointment to meet her at a notary and sign off on the home study.
