Dinner Date!

Last night Paul and I went out to dinner. It was our second dinner date over the past 8+ months. The last one was in February for Valentine's Day. At first I was planning on going to Olive Garden as it's one of my most favorite restaurants and I had a $4 coupon (from Paul's parents' newspaper), but I was looking online to see if any of the restaurants were having specials, and TGIF caught my attention. They have quite a few options of 3 course meals that are $12.99 (or $16.99 if you're getting something like steak or shrimp). My chicken dish was so large that I  brought half of the chicken home as well as all of the angel hair pasta that came with it. I was pleasantly surprised when the waitress brought us two breadsticks prior to our appetizer. That's one of the reasons I love Olive Garden so I was happy that I still got to eat one breadstick with my dinner. My favorite part was the peanut butter pie. They just gave a small portion, but it was the perfect size and was extremely delicious!!!! After dinner we went to Lowe's to exchange what we thought were two ceiling light fixtures for Ian and Nadia's bedrooms that were actually light kits to attach to ceiling fans. OOPS! Thankfully they didn't give us any problem with making the return even though we bought them almost 8 months ago. Our last stop was at Walmart where we bought a flotation device for Nadia to use in Florida, a casserole dish for me, sand toys for Nadia, and a bicycle pump for Paul (our wheelbarrow tire is flat). Aside from the time when Paul called his mom on the phone, it was great to have almost 3 hours of conversation with my hubby.

I was thinking we need to do this more often until I found out Ian only drank 2 ounces while we were gone, and he cried most of the time. He was happy and smiling when we got home. I nursed him a little and gave him one more ounce by bottle, but by that time he was very tired. I put him down at 8:25 and unfortunately he woke up at 11pm, 2:45am, and 5:25am. The longest stretch was only 3 hours. It was the worst night in a long time. I also don't think they fed Nadia anything last night after we left and she had only had a slice of cheese before we left. She made up for it this morning. Between 7:30-10:00am she ate 2 packets of oatmeal, 90% of a yogurt, many raisins, an entire banana, and a packet of fruit gushers. That's WAY more than she usually eats for breakfast. My girl was hungry! I hope they are able to get Ian to consume more milk today. I'm doing two peer observations (12pm and 1pm) and have a faculty meeting at 2pm. Including driving time I'll be gone about 4.5 hours. I really hope tonight is a better night as I am pooped. My fever is worse today than it was yesterday. I am hoping I feel better by Monday as that's when I rescheduled the play date with Evie and her daugher Desi.

The good news is that Ian is doing a great job with being weaned off the shield. No tears! He actually seems to prefer nursing without the shield. Yay! Also I weighed him this morning and with nothing but a dry diaper on he weighed 9lb 10.5oz. Yahoo!!! At the doctor's office he had a wet diaper on. I weighed the wet diaper that I took off right before I weighed him with a dry diaper, and it weighed 3 ounces. So my guess is that he weighed about 9lb 6oz on Tuesday if he had been weighed with a dry (vs. wet) diaper since he weighed 9lb 8oz at the doctor's office with a wet diaper. So I think he gained 4.5 ounces the past 3 days! He has been spitting up a LOT as he spits up more when he's congested (which he is) and when he gets more by bottle, but even with all this spitting up he's gaining weight at a faster pace. I am praying he'll hit 10 lbs by May 1. I think the length measurement was wrong. The outfit he's wearing today used to come to his ankles and now it only comes to his knees. Tomorrow I am going to put a 3-6 month outfit on him to see how that fits. Also his 0-3 month pants no longer fall off of him. Most of his 0-3 month clothing still fits, but maybe he's at least outgrowing a few of them. We looked for swim trunks for Ian at Walmart yesterday, but the smallest size they had was 12month which would never work! One last bit of good news regarding Ian is that he rolled over yesterday (belly to back). YAHOO! I also have been giving him toys to hold, and he does hold them. My answers to the questions the nurse asked would be different if his appointment was today. I have been doing really short periods of tummy time a few times a day the last few days. He also laughed during his bath on Wednesday. What a change! His naps weren't very long yesterday, but he did take 3 short naps in his crib. His first nap this morning was about one hour long. Much better.

1,000th Post

This is my one thousandth post! I am sure a few people, such as my mom, have actually read all those posts. I started this blog in December 2006 shortly after we started the process to adopt two children from Ukraine. When I started this blog, we had already tried to adopt a newborn within the US for 2 years and tried to conceive for 4 1/2 years. We had lost one baby in July 2005. Early in the summer of 2007 we found out that our 2.5 year contract with Lifetime was coming to a close without us ever being presented with a possible match with a birthmother and also that our translated dossier was going to expire in Ukraine before it was submitted to their government agency that processes adoptions. In light of those two "closed doors" we signed a contract with a different domestic newborn adoption facilitator and also began our first cycle of IVF. That summer it was very hard to understand why trying to conceive and trying to adopt (both domestic and international) were so difficult for us. I really thought by 2007 we'd finally become parents through adoption. However God had another wonderful plan for our family. It's amazing to think that in October 2007 we were still childless (having lost the 3 embryos transferred that August), and now 2 years later we have a precious 15 month old daughter and are expecting our son to be born in 3 months (I'm 25 weeks today). Praise the Lord!

I'm sure it's pretty obvious, but I love being a Mommy!! Of course every "rose" has its "thorns." For me, I'd say the thorniest part of being a parent has been the sleep deprivation. Those first four months were tough, and although I cannot wait to hold my son in my arms, I admit I'm dreading the weeks and possibly months of getting very little sleep. I got a brief taste of it again last night as Nadia woke up sometime after midnight and didn't go back down until almost 4am. Monday night she woke up crying at 10pm, and I gave her Tylenol and let her rest on top of me while I was in bed for about 20 minutes and then she easily went back down in her crib. Last night Paul had a hard time putting her down to bed, so he kept her up until I got home (a little after 8pm). I gave her Tylenol and put her down. She fell asleep about 8:15pm, about an hour later than usual. When she first awakened in the middle of the night, I went and brought her to our bed and she actually fell asleep on me. It was very peaceful listening to Paul & Nadia sleep, but of course I was also wanting some sleep! So I took her back to her crib, but she immediately started crying. I let her cry awhile, and then went and got her and gave her Tylenol and again she fell asleep on me in our bed. Again she screamed when I took her back to her crib. After letting her cry awhile, Paul tried giving her milk and rocking her, but she just kept crying even in his arms. I brought her back to our bed, but this time she just wanted to play, and it was 3:30am! After awhile I took her back to her crib and thankfully this time she finally fell asleep after crying just a few minutes. She slept from 4-7:30am and was very fussy in the morning until after her morning nap, which thankfully was 2 hours long (much longer than usual). She's been sneezing a lot the last couple of days, and today whenever she sneezes, junk comes out of her nose. She at least has a mild cold. If we have another rough night tonight (I hope not!), I am going to ask a doctor to look in her ears tomorrow morning when I have my OB appt. She doesn't have a fever, but she definitely doesn't feel well.

The outfit she's wearing today (see the picture above) was a yard sale purchase. I never used to shop at yard sales, but I have quickly become a fan of them! :-)

Bow the Knee

A couple of songs that we've sung lately in choir have really spoken to me. A few weeks ago we sang "Thank You for the Valleys" by Cindy Berry. She happens to be one of my favorite composers (as evidenced by my books of piano arrangements). If you click here, you can listen to the song. I can't say when I've been in a "valley" that I've ever been thankful for it. To be honest, even once I've been out of the valley I am not generally thankful for the valley itself although at times I have gotten to the point where I could be thankful for what I learned during that time or for how it led to something else that was good. I agree with Cindy though that the valleys have drawn me closer to Him.

Last night one of the songs we rehearsed was "Bow the Knee" (click the link if you want to listen) which is arranged by Tom Fettke (another great composer). The gist of this song is that during those times in life when life doesn't make sense to us that we need to trust the heart of our Father. It reminds me of the verse "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding..." I used to remind myself often that my job was to trust, not to try to understand. We started ttc in May 2002, and a year later had begun medical treatments. I kept hoping that the next new thing would be what would lead to us becoming parents - Clomid, then injectibles, then an IUI, then domestic adoption, and the valley got much deeper in July 2005 when we lost our first baby. Then we pursued additional ways to adopt including int'l adoption. The deepest point of the valley came in June 2007. At that point we had done 10 medicated cycles with RE's (7 of which were injectibles), tried to adopt through Lifetime for 2 1/2 years as well as been presented a few times by a lawyer in FL, and had sent 2 dossiers to Ukraine yet were no closer to becoming parents than when we started ttc 5 years earlier. So we signed a contract with a different adoption facilitator and started the ivf process. Finally in November 2007 we got to see our baby on the u/s screen for the first time ever!! I was finally out of the valley! Of course that's not to say everything in life has gone smoothly since then, but honestly the ups and downs of life the past 16 months seem like a plateau compared to the deep valleys of ttc and adopt for 5 1/2 years.

This is the main thing that scares me about doing ivf again. I don't want to go through another ttc valley of another miscarriage. Yet the thought that I might be holding Nadia's brother or sister in my arms in 2010 makes me want to get on the rollercoaster again. I pray this ride ends on the wonderful note that our FET did, but either way I need to trust my Father. I feel like saying to Him that I know I can learn so much through valleys, but could I learn those things through other kinds of valleys? Haven't I experienced a long enough ttc valley already? I know the next ttc and/or adoption valley won't be 5 1/2 years long. I'm sure we'd decide to just have one child long before then. Although I do really, really want another child, I do find some consolation in knowing if we encounter a valley again we won't be in it as long this time around. I just need to keep reminding myself again and again that God is in control, and He loves me.

Reflections on ttc

Since I'm contemplating ttc again these days (let me tell you it was nice not to think about it for 14 months!), I thought I'd make a list of the things that seem normal to those of us who have dealt with infertility that are probably unfamiliar to those who haven't. This post is for female eyes. :-) I wrote this several days ago and decided to post it today as I doubt you want to hear me talk again about how utterly lousy I feel. The one bright spot of my day so far though was that this morning I purchased the tickets for the 5 of us to go to Antigua in May as the price dropped big time on the flight I wanted to take. :-)

You know you've ttc a long time when.... (all of these are true statements for me anyhow)

1. You purchased a box of Dixie cups and didn't drink out of any of them but rather used ALL of them to pee into for opks and hpts.

2. You took your temperature more than 1,000 times over the span of 4 years (so glad to be done with that!!!)

3. You purchased opks in bulk (as many as 100 at a time). I have used over 200 of them and am also glad to be done with that.

4. You purchased hpts in bulk. I have used over 50 of those and am not done using those yet although there aren't any in our house right now. Hoping to see 2 lines again in May!!!

5. You have given yourself over 100 shots in your stomach and are very willing do it again to have another baby.

6. Your husband has given you over 100 shots in your butt and again you would gladly go through it again.

7. You referred to a really faint line that could hardly be seen as a BFP (big fat positive)

8. A certain type of cervical mucus (ewcm) brought a smile to your face and you shared that news with your female friends online, and they were happy to hear it (did you ever think you'd celebrate mucus much less tell others about it?)

9. You've referred to "that time of the month" as AF and used prounouns like "she" and "her" when talking about it (which is really quite funny when you think about it).

10. You've frequently had doctors and nurses tell you when you could and couldn't engage in an activity that is usually 100% at the discretion of a husband and wife. It seemed SO strange to me the first time this happened in 2003, and now it seems 100% normal, LOL.

11. You know what are good and bad levels for several hormones at various points in a cycle or pregnancy (E2, P4, LH, hCG, and FSH)

12. The only way you can possibly imagine becoming pregnant involves doctors, nurses, embryologists, andrologists, etc. It's unfathomable to consider it might happen "accidently" or with only two people involved in the process.

13. You have taken the birth control pill in an effort to become pregnant not prevent pregnancy.

14. Doctors have put your body into what is called a temporary menopause - again with the goal of becoming pregnant (and menopause and pregnancy don't usually go together!).

15. You can be 100% certain what day conception occured.

16. You know what the ideal thickness of your uterine lining is as well as the ideal size of follicles at various points in a cycle (all in centimeters).

17. Your baby grew in a lab for a few days before growing in your body. Somehow petri dishes aren't usually a part of the "birds and bees" conversation, LOL.

18. You've tried a myriad of things that others have said helped them achieve pregnancy such as eating fresh pineapple after an embryo transfer, getting a professional massage before a transfer, bedrest for several days after a transfer, etc.

19. You've paid for your baby to be frozen, thawed, and hatched. I never thought those verbs would be said in reference to my baby!


20. You have a favorite brand of hpt. Mine is FRER since it showed a 2nd line when my hCG was only 11.8 in 2005 with my 1st pregnancy. Speaking of that pregnancy, I am STILL getting junk mail that is based on the assumption I have a 3 year old at home. Oh how I regret that I signed up for free stuff online during that pregnancy! I really don't like to be reminded through junk mail of the child we lost in 2005. Of course I don't mind the free stuff and coupons that I get for Nadia. :-)


I was talking once with a friend of mine who used to teach at the school where I was principal. She and her hubby pursued all sorts of fertility stuff including ivf with their own embies as well as adopting frozen embies from another family. He kept wanting to switch gears to adoption, but she kept wanting to pursue fertility treatments. Eventually they did switch to adoption. Her first son was in her arms in the hospital before their home study was even done!! Her gyn gave the referral for the closed adoption so it was a super quick and super cheap adoption. A few years later her gyn gave her another referral so she never worked with any adoption agencies or facilitators or anything like that - never made a profile or a dossier or anything for the adoption of their two sons (both times she was in the hospital at the time of the baby's birth). On the other hand, my hubby kept pushing for ivf (since 2004) and I was pushing for adoption until finally I agreed in 2007 to pursue ivf since adoption wasn't working out for us. If I could go back in time, I wish I had agreed to ivf in 2004. The conclusion we both made (Tammy & I) was that it's a good idea to follow your hubby's advice. Her dh wanted to pursue adoption and that's what led them to Isaac and Samuel, and my dh wanted to pursue ivf and that's what led us to Nadia.


This time I didn't need to be convinced to pursue ivf. If however this next round of ivf doesn't lead to a sticky bfp, then that will be a tougher decision especially since we must resume our contract with Adoption Consultants by the middle of December or we're out the about $5K we paid her in June 2007. I am not sure whether we'd decide to pursue ivf a third time or switch back to adoption. Hopefully we won't need to make that decision because ivf #2 will work!

IVF Prices

When I spoke with the ivf nurse last Monday, she said she'd have the financial lady call me. She never did so I called her this morning. The good news is that the price for ivf hasn't gone up - $8,200; I was pleasantly surprised as I figured in 2 years it would have gone up. Our insurance will pay for about $2,200 of that so our cost after getting the refunds would be about $6,000. The bad news is that the other fees that aren't included in the package went up. ICSI (which we definitely need due to Paul's morphology issues) went from $550 to $650, assisted hatching (which we had for the frozen transfer but not the fresh transfer and I think we should use for a fresh transfer this time) went from $250 to $400, and freezing embryos went from $600 to $1,000. If we used ICSI and AH that would put our cost at $7,050. The perfect scenario in my mind would be that we had 3 embryos make it to blastocyst and we had those transferred (fresh) without any being frozen and had a pregnancy result from that fresh transfer, but obviously it was very wonderful that we had a frozen embie this last time since Nadia was that frozen blastocyst! So if we end up freezing an embryo then probably we wouldn't get any refunds. The total cost would likely be very close to the $8,200 we need to pay by March 12th.

The scariest part is the thought that we spend all that and it results in no pregnancies from fresh or frozen transfers. That's a definite possibility, but even knowing that I want to proceed as I feel we'll have regrets later on if we don't. I wish there was a shared risk option, but this clinic doesn't have those and even if they did I probably wouldn't qualify as usually 35 is the oldest you can be to qualify for one of those, and I'll be 37 by the time we get to a retrieval. It will be a really tough call at that point whether to try ivf a third time or switch back to trying to adopt (if we don't get pg from any fresh or frozen transfers from ivf #2). We have to resume our contract with Cathy by 12/14/09, or we're out the $4,900 we paid her in June 2007. If we resume our contract with her then we need to create new profiles and do our fourth homestudy. Ugh. I am hoping and praying ivf #2 results in a sticky bfp. That will make the decision easy!!!

I am still on a high about losing 5 lbs in 7 days! It will help keep my resolve strong. This weekend on one occasion I was eating carrots while Paul was eating Doritos and on another I was eating green beans while he was eating pizza. Pizza and Doritos would have been tastier, but I am very glad I chose to eat veggies instead!

11 Years

Well it was exactly 11 years ago that Paul and I met. It was the 2nd week of a 4 week ballroom dancing class being held in the auditorium of a department store. Paul's parents had taken the class the year before, and they had told the teacher that their son had taken private ballroom dancing lessons in New Mexico. She said if he ever came back to the area that she'd love for him to come and help teach the class. That first night that he came he was a little late, and this older man had been taking turns dancing with all the women who came without a partner. When he saw Paul walk in, he immediately let go of my hands and said I think he (Paul) should be your partner. I am sure he said this because Paul and I were the only young ones in the class (everyone else was at least 20 years older than us), and that was where it all began. I never would have thought it wouldn't be until 11 years later that we'd become parents (that summer of 1997 we had talked about getting married in 1998 but we didn't actually get engaged until 2000 and married until 2001), but I am glad that day is finally just around the corner!!!

Today also marks the first day we don't have a valid home study. We started the first home study in November 2004 but it wasn't completed until a few months later. Since then we've always done an update or another home study before the previous one expired. But as of today our last home study is now expired. We can update it sometime in the next 2 years, but at the moment I am guessing we might not do so. Our first home study was $750, first update was $350, and our second home study was $1,500 (we could have done a second update but our first social worker was on maternity leave so her pregnancy cost us $1,150). Having done three without anything good resulting from them is partially why I don't think we'll ever pay for another home study (either get pg from ivf, decide to only have 1 child, or adopt through foster care which would involve another home study but at least it would be free). I am very glad NOT to be doing another one right now.

As for the fetal doppler, I have been going back and forth in my mind between renting, buying, or just skipping it altogether. Paul suggested I wait until after my appt on Tuesday to decide, and I think that's a good plan for now. So I've decided to wait on deciding, LOL. It's just 5 more days til my next appt! I weighed myself this morning for the first time in a couple of weeks and wasn't happy. :-( We shall see what the scales at the dr's office say on Tuesday. I haven't been eating sweets aside from fruit so I don't think I am going to change much. Maybe I'm like Lynn and the weight goes on faster in the beginning than the end? Oh well...as long as baby is healthy that's what's most important. If I have to diet after giving birth, so be it. The nurse at the OB said I should gain about 30 pounds total. I still think I can keep that as a maximum weight gain. I had been hoping to only gain about 20 pounds, but that seems dubious at this point.

We haven't heard from any of the other 4 schools where Paul applied yet. I admit the suspense is starting to get to me! He's been invited to visit both schools where he was accepted (they'll pay for his travel expenses, hotel, food, etc.). He already made plans to visit UD (although if we got an offer from PSU before then he'd probably cancel those plans), but he hasn't made plans to visit Pitt yet, but if he doesn't get another offer in the very near future then he probably will make plans to visit Pitt in March. So the next few weeks are BIG for us in terms of hopefully learning the gender of our little one and also deciding where Paul will be going to school starting this fall (and whether that involves us moving this summer or not).

Names

I had some free time today (I don't teach on Thursdays); so I tried to come up with some additional possible girl's names. I created a list of 10 names - 5 of which I knew he hadn't rejected in the past and 5 I didn't think I'd ever run by him before. Well wouldn't you know the 5 we had already discussed he still didn't strike from the list, but he rejected all 5 new ones. I thought for sure I could come up with at least ONE new name that he'd like. The one that surprised me most was Sophie. I thought he'd like that one because he likes Sophia. Well he doesn't like Sophie. One reason he gave was that it's a dog's name. I was very perplexed. Then he reminded me of a picture book that my niece, Jenna, loves for me to read titled Sophie's Window and the two main characters are a dog named Sophie and a bird named Caruso. I assured him that most people will not think Sophie is a dog's name, LOL!!! Oh well if the 10/11 people who voted are correct, we don't need to pick a girl's name, and if baby is a girl then we have a few months to come up with a name we both like.

I told Paul about the whole tax credit thing. He said that he would still prefer ivf for #2 (that's been his preference since 2004). We started pursuing adoption instead in 2004 as I was opposed to ivf at that point. My only concern aside from the "we might pay $10K for ivf and it not work" issue is that he still has a concern about not having "too many" kids (he grew up with only 1 sibling). Aside from the fact I have no issues with having several children, I am not too concerned about this since they had to retrieve 26 eggs in order for us to end up with 1 baby or you could say we had to transfer 4 embies to result in 1 baby. My egg quality is going to decline in the next 2 years so the odds will decrease that we'd end up with several children from another round of ivf. I'd consider it amazing if we do ivf when I am 37 and he is 39 and we are able to have even just one more baby. He said he'd rather us give any extra embies up for adoption (if for example I was pg with twins from ivf #2 and we still had frozen embies). I wasn't crazy about that idea before (although that's FAR better than destroying them!), but after going through ivf I can tell you I felt very attached to all 7 embies. It's very, very hard for me to imagine placing any of our embies up for adoption. I'd want to keep transferring them until all had been transferred. But again considering it took 26 eggs to have 4 embies transferred at the age of 35, I think it's highly unlikely that we'd get a bfp and also have frozen embies when I am 37. I know our thinking might change in the future, but I am going to put this to rest for the moment and just assume for the time being that in the summer of 2009 we likely will give ivf one more whirl. It's impossible to say now what we will do if the ivf doesn't work. I am not going to think about that now either as it will depend on finances which are a complete unknown at the moment as we don't know where we'll be living or whether I'll be working at that point. My guess at the moment is that we'll pursue foster care adoption if the ivf doesn't work, but who knows. As Lynn said, for now we'll just focus on this baby which is a miracle from the Lord. This time last year I had zero hope of ever giving birth to a baby; so you just never know what twists and turns the path of life will take!

Hard to wait

Well I admit I am having a very hard time waiting for my next OB appointment. When I first got the BFP I only had to wait 2 days for the repeat Beta and then 1 week for the 3rd Beta and then one week for the first u/s. It was an adjustment to go 2 weeks w/o being seen for the 2nd u/s. Then I waited 2 more weeks for the 3rd u/s. My first OB appt would have been 2 weeks after my last RE appt except we were on vacation. So I went 3w2d in between appointments at that time which was really hard, but the nausea and such were reassuring. Well the wait this time will be 4w3d in between appts. I am super close to calling the OB's office today or tomorrow and asking that my appt be moved up one week. I am supposed to go 4 weeks in between at this stage, but it's really nerve wracking not to have any proof that baby is still doing ok. I keep telling myself that baby has a 99% chance of doing just fine so there's no reason to worry, and I haven't had any spotting or bleeding at any time the whole pgcy. I still do get cramps now and then, but I know that can just be from the uterus growing, etc. I think in the future it will be much, much easier to go 4 weeks in between appts because I will be feeling the baby move and I am sure that will be just as reassuring as hearing a h/b at the OB's office to know baby is still alive and well. So I think this would be the only time I'd ask for an appt to be rescheduled a little earlier as hopefully in the next few weeks I'll start feeling baby move (others have said they've felt baby as soon as 16w for their 1st pgcy and I'll be at 16w tomorrow). Then another part of me says you waited 5+ years for a sticky bfp - you can wait 2 more weeks for your next OB appt. Patience is a virtue, right? :-) I also need patience to wait for THE ultrasound. A woman who had her FET exactly 7 days before mine had her BIG u/s yesterday. I wish mine was next week!!! But right now I'd settle for listening to a h/b. I had toyed with buying or renting one of those fetal dopplers that you can use at home, and right now I wish I had gotten one, but I am not going to pay for one at this point when hopefully soon I'll be able to feel baby move.

In terms of adoption, I started working on our taxes last night and this morning as I was going back over the adoption tax credit form, I happened to notice something I hadn't seen before. We paid about $2K towards adoption in 2006. When an adoption hasn't been finalized you have to wait an additional year before you can claim any expenses. In other words had we actually adopted in the US or Ukraine in 2007 we could claim even our 2007 adoption expenses this year, but since we haven't finalized any adoption, we can only claim expenses up until 2006. The last two years I have already claimed some expenses from 2004 and 2005. I already knew that everything we paid towards adopting from Ukraine (about $4,200 in 2006-07) was not at all deductible as you can't claim any int'l adoption expenses unless an adoption actually takes place. I admit I tried to get creative this morning and see if something like "apostilles" which we paid over $700 for to the state gov't could somehow count as "other taxes" on schedule A, but nope I don't think any of those expenses are deductible in any way shape or form. But here is what I just learned for the first time this morning. I knew that you can claim expenses for a failed adoption. If you pay $$ trying to adopt in the US but are unsuccessful you can still claim some of those expenses (this was a relief when I learned this last year as I started to panic that I'd have to pay back the $$ I had claimed towards adopting through Lifetime if we never actually adopted through them). But what I didn't realize until this morning is that the adoption tax credit is cumulative. ALL domestic failed attempts plus a first successful attempt all can only be counted towards one tax credit. I had always thought that if we ended up adopting through Cathy or Mark that it would be a fresh new tax credit - separate from the one claimed through our attempts with Lifetime. If I had known this last June, I would have waited until the IVF was over to contract with Cathy (and since we got a BFP from the FET we woudn't have contracted with her). I figured though eventually we could claim that as a tax credit. I was wrong. We've spent about $23K on adoption. If I subtract the part that was a "charitable donation" to Lifetime and what we paid for Ukraine, that brings it down to about $17K. The current tax credit is a little less than $12K so this means everything we paid Cathy ($4,900) is not deductible whether we do or don't adopt through her. However what is more upsetting to me is the thought that if we complete an adoption we will still need to pay probably at least $15K and none of that can count towards a tax credit either!! If we adopt one child in the future, we will likely have spent $38K on adoption and only be able to claim about $12K of that. Back in 2004 when exploring adoption options, Russia was high on our list - Paul's first choice after domestic newborn. The reason we crossed Russia (and other countries like Kazhakstan and Guatemala) off the list was bc the costs were over $30K. Ironically it might have been cheaper to adopt from those countries particularly if we had adopted 2 children at once (as then we would have received a double tax credit). I am in shock. We tried to save money by choosing the cheaper options (domestic facilitator, Ukraine) and yet ironically probably would spend more than the options we viewed as too expensive (although there is truth to this in that we couldn't have come up with $30K in 2004-05). I wish we could get some of the money we paid to Lifetime back. That would really help, but I can't see that ever happening.

I had been thinking that if we adopted in the future through Mark or Cathy that we'd likely spend about $15K and eventually get about $7K back so in the end the domestic adoption would cost $8K. Now I realize that unless we adopt twins, we won't be able to claim any future adoption expenses towards a tax credit. I have to say IVF is looking far more appealing for #2. IVF would be cheaper (although it will probably cost more than it did this time since our insurance did pay for the meds, b/w, and u/s) and medical expenses are tax deductible once you go over 7.5% of your income (which IVF certainly does). Of course there is no guarantee with IVF, but we have learned the hard way that there is also no guarantee with adoption (like I used to think there was). The biggest concern I have about IVF again is the fact I would be 37 years old before we could possibly start that again and so my "chances" would be lower although having been pg actually raises your "chances" so maybe those two factors cancel out?

I apologize for such a long post but one other thought I had this morning about the whole "should we adopt or do ivf for #2" is that I think our chances of being picked for domestic adoption will be very slim after we have a baby. First of all, no one has picked us the last 38 months while we were childless which is supposedly when it's easier to be picked. In addition to the fact we'll have a young (bio) child which will likely be a "turn-off" for many birthmothers, our income will be VERY low. I am sure income level factors into a birthmother's decision - or why would we be asked to reveal that info to them? I can imagine it would be a HUGE turn-off if they see our annual income listed as say $23K a year!! If Paul goes to PSU and I keep working part-time then our annual income will be higher than that, but it still will be considerably lower than what it's been the last few years with me working FT. It probably doesn't sound very stable to say - your child's mom will be a SAHM (although many bmoms seems to prefer that in a mom) and your child's dad will be a doctoral student making less than $30K a year. I am sure they'd rather pick a family where the husband is FT employed making a decent wage. So the tax credit info plus these thoughts are making me think we'll probaby try IVF again in 2009. And if it doesn't work then I think we'll either need to adopt through the "system" (which is free) or we'll end up only having one child. I had always dreamed of having at least 3-4 children. Since we'll be 36 & 38 when our first is born I figure at this point 2 is probably the maximum, but maybe God's will is for us to only have one? Time will tell. So now back to my question of the day. Do I call the OB and ask to move my appt up or not? :-)

Maternity skirt

Well I ended up wearing the black maternity skirt today. It actually fit just fine bc it has one of those panels so it can expand a lot (it's an XL) in the future, but it's not huge when you don't need it to be. At first I put on a maternity top, but that looked ridiculous. I found a tunic sweater that looked good with it (not maternity sweater but long enough to cover up the panel). It was very comfy. I have a feeling I'll probably wear this skirt at least 2 times a week on average the next few months with different tops as there are 5 days a week I need to dress up. At least with different tops it won't look like I'm wearing the same exact outfit more than once a week.  Speaking of size XL, I ordered out skirt outfit on eBay, and that skirt doesn't fit AT ALL right now. It literally fell off me when I tried it on. But since some of you said in the end your maternity clothes were tight, I am not worried - I figure this skirt will come in handy come June/July. I am teaching a summer class in May/June for 6 weeks so I'll need a few professional outfits for the end of the pgcy so this outfit will be one of them. When I went shopping with my mom over Christmas we bought a combination of L and XL. I had planned to buy M and L but the M ones didn't have much room for growth (very depressing)! So much for the adage of just buy the same size you are pre-pg! (as I am usually a medium pre-pg)

I emailed Cathy last night and asked her to freeze our contract. I also emailed Mark Miller (lawyer in FL) and asked him to remove us from his email list since our home study expires on 2-6 and he won't present you to a birthmother w/o a current home study. I am not notifying Lifetime as #1 they are probably just about out of our profiles anyhow, and #2 they keep track of when your home study expires so I am sure they know it expires soon and won't present us after it expires. Even if I wasn't pg I would't renew the home study on their account as they will only keep showing our profiles until they run out. So our adoption efforts have ended for now. We've pursued adoption for almost 39 months at this point without any breaks (no lapses in between our home studies).

And I am very happy to be 15 weeks pg today! YAHOO! One more week and I'll be 4 months along! It was exactly 11 weeks ago that I learned I was pg while in Chicago with my sister and her family. Here's a sort of summary on the last 11 weeks (mostly the physical aspects).

1. Emotionally - on cloud 9,000 - still in shock to be honest!!!
2. Gone from never having heartburn in my entire life to having it pretty much 24/7 the last 11 weeks (the advantage of having it all the time is I am pretty much used to it at this point - it's almost like I've forgotten what it's like NOT to have your esophogus on fire, LOL)
3. Been glad to see my belly growing (whereas normally I'd be upset if that happened!)
4. Gone from sleeping 8-9 hours on average to 10-11 on average
5. Was nausous for many of those weeks but thankfully that has pretty much gone away :-)
6. Have never been so hungry so many times a day in all my life - snacking far more than usual

What I am most looking forward to in the coming weeks are #1 feeling the baby move and #2 seeing the baby again on u/s (it's been 5 weeks now since we saw our baby and I am in withdrawal, LOL).

Three outfits

Well it seems in terms of clothes I can wear to work, I am down to about 3 outfits that fit - 2 skirts and 1 dress. I wore the dress yesterday. It was one I hadn't worn in years (so obviously not exactly my favorite one, LOL). Now if the skirts were a solid color it would help as my sweaters and turtlenecks and such still fit, but they both have a pattern so there aren't many possible combinations. I think I'm going to start to feel like I'm wearing a school uniform like I did from grades 6-9 (and I didn't like that at all). I did receive and purchase some maternity clothes over Christmas, but mostly I got tops. I did get a few bottoms but two were shorts which I don't need right now (it's snowing as I type)! I do have a black pair of pants which I need to take to get hemmed as they're way too long (which is surprising as I'm 5'7" so usually things aren't too long for me). So that leaves me with a black skirt. I do plan on getting a LOT of use out of the black skirt since I can wear a variety of tops with it, but I don't really need it yet. It's too big. I am in that "in between" stage I guess. A friend in handbell choir (who is due in March) suggested one of those bands that Motherhood sells. The problem is that won't help with most of my "work" clothes as most are not zipped up. I guess I can keep wearing these same 3 outfits for another week or two, but then I think I need to go shopping for a few more maternity skirts or pants (or start wearing my black skirt every other day, LOL). I do feel a little weird wearing maternity clothes right now as I am sure if someone doesn't know me that they'd never guess by looking at me that I am pg. I don't have that big of a baby belly yet! Of course I can't wait til I do!! :-) In terms of casual clothes I am still doing okay as medium size pants with an elastic waist still fit just fine.

Yesterday was a long day. I got up much earlier than I have been for quite some time (5:45) and spoke at a middle school from 7:45-10:10 (three different class periods back to back) and then I had some office hours and then taught from 12:00-3:00 and then had a meeting at 3:00. I went to bed at 9:15 (even before Paul got home from school as he has a night class on Wednesday nights) and had a HARD time getting up at 7:15 this morning. I had a conference call scheduled for 8am. Thankfully I can do that at home in my pjs, LOL. I had then planned to go over to a friend's house but because she and her husband are sick (and I don't want to catch their bug) and because my head is pounding, we rescheduled for next Wednesday morning. I just want to stay home in my pjs today. I am exhausted! I know people talk about this "burst of energy" that happens in the 2nd tri, but I haven't experienced that yet. I'll be 15w tomorrow so maybe this burst happens later in the 2nd tri. I think I could have slept quite a bit longer than I did this morning, and I had already gotten 10 hours of sleep!

Tomorrow will be a long day too. I have a meeting at another college (about 1 hour away) from 10-2 and then a meeting on my campus from 3-5. I usually teach from 12-3 on Fridays, but I told my students since the first day of class this semester that we wouldn't have class on the 25th. The mtg at the other college is to work on a grant which involves 10 universities, and I am the project administrator of the grant (that's also what the teleconference was about this morning). So I am very glad I can have a day at home today since yesterday's schedule wiped me out. This exhaustion is a good reminder that I need to be saying "no" more often and not filling up my schedule quite so much! I don't have the same amount of energy I do when not pg!

Not that I am trying to write an epic long post today, but I did also hear back from Cathy yesterday. I asked her about the home study and also about whether a birthmother would still want to place her child with us if she could tell by looking at me that I was pregnant. As for the home study she said that we could wait to update our homestudy until after we were matched as long as we could complete it prior to the baby's birth. I am guessing it would take about 1 month so as long as we were matched more than a month before the EDD that should work (I say 1 month bc we would have to redo the clearances and physicals). As to the second question, she said this would vary case by case but that once she did have a client who was 7 months pregnant adopt a baby, and the birthmother had no problems with that. I haven't had a chance to talk with Paul again about it yet, but actually my thinking has changed as I have thought about it more. I am inclined to just freeze our contract now. The reason is that if hypothetically we were selected in the near future (which seems like a HUGE "if" after not being picked the last 3+ years), we would need to update our homestudy (which would cost at least $560). Now if the birthmother followed through with the adoption plan and the child was placed with us - great. However, if the birthmother were to change her mind, then this money will be wasted as we then need to freeze our contract for 1 year+ which means it would again expire prior to us restarting the process of adoption again. Along these same lines, it hit me that once we are matched we owe Cathy the other 1/2 of her fee (another $4,900). Again no problem if the birthmother doesn't change her mind, but if she would change her mind we don't get the $$ back. We wouldn't owe any more $$ to Cathy when she got us another match; so if I wasn't pg it wouldn't bother me as much that we'd have already paid our whole fee as hopefully we'd be matched again in the near future. But again in this case there could be a long time gap. It would also mean we'd have definitely said "no" to doing ivf again. I haven't talked with Paul yet about #2 (whether to adopt a sibling or do ivf again), but I wouldn't be shocked if he'd prefer to do ivf again since he preferred it for the last 3 years over adoption (and of course IVF brought us success or so it seems at least at this point and adoption has not done so). I think though if we paid the rest of our fee to Cathy that the ivf option would no longer be there for financial reasons. So all that to say I think I'll be emailing Cathy tonight and telling we'd like to freeze our contract now (which means we'd have 23 months left for later use).

Not an embryo any more

Well not that I'm crazy about the term "fetus" (sounds so impersonal compared to "baby"), but our little one is no longer in the embryo stage and is officially now in the fetal stage. So this is progress!!! Brainwaves should begin in just 6 days, and in just 5 days we get to see our little one again!!! I am grateful I can stay home all day today; so although I am getting work done (grading papers, wrote my tenure letter that is due by the end of the month, etc.) it's more relaxing to work from my living room couch. Smelling food is definitely what sets me off the most. I felt awful while my English muffin was in the toaster oven this morning. I also am learning to eat MORE in the morning than I have been. I don't mean eating more when I first eat but I mean in the next few hours. A pbj sandwich is what seems to work best at least yesterday and today anyhow. It seems so weird to eat that at 9am, but if it settles my stomach than so be it!!

Tomorrow is the end of our 3 year contract with Lifetime. On November 19 our coordinator had said in an email, "A lot can happen in a short period of time. I hope to call you with a birth mother situation for you and Paul to consider." I knew not to hold my breath, but of course there was a small part of me still holding on to some glimmer of hope that they'd finally come through for us. Of course this would be MUCH harder emotionally if I wasn't pregnant, but it's still painful. We started our first home study in November 2004. Paul wanted to do IVF back then. Of course if I had to do it over again, I wish I had listened to him and done IVF back then. Ironically, I thought IVF was too much of a financial gamble and thought adoption was the "sure thing" although the timing would be more unknown. Well I was wrong. Over a span of 5 years we spent "only" about $11K on ttc of which about $9K was for the IVF + FET and that $9K investment has had a much happier ending than the over $23K we've spent on adoption over the past 3 years (of which about half was for Lifetime and the rest for Ukraine and Adoption Consultants). The smallest amount was for Mark Miller (about $330), and ironically it felt like we got the closest we ever got with adoption through him last month (although we have no way of knowing if any of the women Lifetime or Cathy have sent our profile were still considering us once they had narrowed down the pool).

Anyhow I plan on lifting the password requirement from my blog in the next few days now that our journey with Lifetime is over it seems. As for Cathy, I don't plan to tell her we are pregnant until a month or so - once we're in the 2nd trimester. Part of the reason for deciding to tell her then is our home study will expire on February 7, and I don't want to redo it right now. At that point we will have been under contract with her for 7 months of our 30 month contract. That means we can freeze our contract for up to 23 months and then start up again and have 23 months left. I don't think we'd keep it frozen that long, but I have no idea how long she recommends you wait before you start being presented again. I am doubting she would recommend being shown to birthmothers when our little one is only a few months old. I have to say I still would be thrilled if we got matched in the really near future. I still wouldn't mind adopting our first baby and then giving birth in July, but that seems unlikely given how hard the adoption path has been for us the past 3 years. I definitely do not view IVF as the financially riskier option any more that is for sure! For us, adoption has been far more of a financial loss than ttc.

4dp6dt

Well my body hasn't switched to the new time since we turned the clocks back an hour. I didn't stay up late enough on Saturday night to make the switch (9:45 old time) so I wasn't surprised when I awakened at 5:00am on Sunday morning. However, last night I stayed up until 10:30pm (new time) which is late for me (especially as that's 11:30pm old time) but nope I woke up at 5:00am again. I usually get up around 6:00am so my body just hasn't switched yet. To make matters worse, tomorrow I am going into another time zone (CST) so if I don't adjust first to this change, I'll be two hours out of synch! Well I plan to stay up even later tonight as I'll be cheering on my team in Monday night football. So hopefully I'll sleep in later tomorrow morning especially since I don't need to get up AS early on Tuesday mornings as Bible study starts at 9am whereas my class starts at 8am this morning. I slept in my own bed last night. Ahhhh so wonderful to be in my cozy bed and have my hubby nearby. I usually get up and come downstairs to eat first, but I showered and got dressed first to eliminate one trip up & down the stairs. I have to say the shower felt equally as wonderful as I hadn't had one since Thursday morning although I had washed my hair in the kitchen sink on Friday morning.

So today is the big day when probably at the minimum I'll find out how many couples applied to be presented to Ann and possibly we'll even find out if she picked us today or if she has eliminated us in her process of narrowing down the pool. If we don't find out today if we were picked or not, we will most likely find out tomorrow. I definitely feel the suspense! Plus at the equivalent of 10dpo I definitely feel suspense in that regard as well. I'll keep you posted on both accounts!

2dp6dt

Well I've been on bedrest now for over 2 days. I have read two books from cover to cover, been on my laptop quite a bit, done my Bible study, and watched some tv. I am going to climb the stairs for the first time tomorrow night; so tonight will be my last night sleeping on the couch. I figure I have to climb the steps to get a shower on Monday morning so I might as well do it Sunday night and enjoy sleeping in our bed. The couch is comfy but not AS comfy as our bed! I read on one RE's website that they advise their patients not to climb ANY staircases in between transfer and Beta. Yikes! I haven't climbed any yet, but boy do I want a shower. Mine said no "heavy lifting" but didn't specify how many lbs that means. I searched on several different RE clinic websites and it seems most said 10 lbs and a few said 15 lbs. I am trying to err on the conservative side so I will try to stick with the 10 lb limit. That means I'd better not pick Adam up while in Chicago as my mom says he weighs 20 lbs! But someone can put him in my lap, and Susie is able to climb into my lap herself. :-) My mom wondered if my laptop is okay. Thankfully, it only weighs 6.5 lbs. I say thankfully because I've been lifting it a lot the last 2 days!

This next week is a big one. First we find out if Ann picked us or not, and then if our little one has implanted. I've been trying to keep my hopes "in check." I know if we had transferred 2-3 embryos our chances would be about 25% which isn't great, but with only one they are even less. So most likely I won't see two lines again. Of course I have some hope. It would be hard to bear all these shots w/o any hope. Plus I know many, many people are praying. More than ever prayed for me before in any other luteal phase. The women at ladies Bible study, the handbell choir, the senior choir, and the list goes on. And nothing is impossible with God. If He wants us to hold this little one in our arms one day - He can enable that to happen. And wow - many people will be giving Him the glory if that happens. It would truly be a miracle in my eyes.

Well anyhow I am having a little more trouble keeping my hopes in check because I am nauseous. Really nauseous. Last night when I asked for Paul to get me Tums and a trash can in case I threw up, I really didn't connect the dots in ANY way that this could be a pgcy symptom. Then as I felt nauseous again this evening (both days its only happened in the evening - yesterday a piece of toast helped but that trick hasn't helped tonight) I did a little research on the internet. I found out that an embyro needs to hatch by the 6th day. That's why they don't freeze them any later than 144 hours after conception because they can't hatch prior to transfer as that would be very bad (well they can START hatching but only if it's within a super short amount of time before transfer). Then I read (on the Chicago clinic's website) that they should implant within about 24 hours after hatching. So this tiny little one ideally would have hatched sometime on Thursday and then implanted Thursday or Friday. And hcg starts being produced right after implantation. And it doesn't take much hcg for me to be nauseous as I was very sick to my stomach at 11dpo and my hcg at 12dpo was only 11.8. So here's my newest prayer request - if I am feeling nauseous bc I am pg - then Lord let me stay nauseous, but if I am nauseous for some other reason, please let it go away ASAP so it won't cause me to get my hopes up more than they should be. I didn't have this in August. I know I'm on more PIO and also on EV which I wasn't on in Aug, but I've been on EV for 3 weeks and nothing til last night. I am trying to stay calm. The suspense is not easy though especially when I feel encouraged by the fact I feel so awful, LOL.

I'm PUPO again!

Thank you for your prayers! They were answered in two regards #1 the packet arrive in FL around 1:30 today so that was a relief and #2 more importantly our embyro is still looking good!!! She said the color was good (if it's brown it means it's dead) and she said when they first thawed it that it was all crunched up tight in the center which is good and that there weren't any ice crystals (which is bad). She said the embryo had been expanding (they started thawing it about 10am) and it hadn't reached the zona pellucida yet but she said it kept expanding like it should. I really like Teresa (the embryologist). She said, 'Your embryo says hi!" and I said "hi" and she said "Your mom and dad say hi" this was while she was tending to the embryo in the lab which is adjacent to the procedure room (where they do retrievals and transfers).

The transfer didn't happen until a little after 2pm. Let me tell you my bladder was about to POP. Dr. Awad was late (30 min) but then Dr. Murphy was even later (55 min). This was my first time meeting Dr. Murphy. It's just not nice to leave a woman on an operating table with a very full bladder for so long! But I made it. I didn't drink as much this time. I learned my lesson last time! At first Dr. M was doing the sonography while Dr. A was preparing for the transfer. He said something about an obstruction and I got really concerned and they switched places and Dr. A did the sonography and Dr. M the transfer. I asked if there was a problem and Dr. A said no your cervix is very tight and it keeps moving, but Dr. M had success and then Teresa brought in our precious embryo. They had the screen turned so I didn't see the "black dot" like in August when they pointed out the 3 traveling dots to me. And they didn't print a photo like the resident did in August who did the sonography. Hopefully I'll get a photo in a couple of weeks though which would be even better than the one I have from Aug of the three dots.

The nurse said my Beta will be on Nov 15. I can't believe they'd expect someone to wait until 20dpo (or past retrieval as the case may be!). Last time they had mine scheduled for 16dpo but I came in 2 days early at 14dpo. I plan to call next week to reschedule it to Nov 12 which will be 17dpo which is still later than when I had it this summer. I don't want extra shots for no reason if I'm not pg. Most REs usually do a Beta 9-11 days past 5 or 6 day transfer although some do it as early as 5-8 days past.

My bottom is also in a lot less pain today. Working on those "lumps" although it was painful to do has definitely decreased the pain level. I also have to add that I did end up having a massage today!! A friend (who is a nurse and her husband is a doctor) from handbells called me last night and I happened to mention how I had tried to schedule a massage this morning. She asked first if I had tried with the woman I had in August, and I said I did go to her in August before the transfer but she was booked today. Well she knew of another massage therapist in Danville that I didn't know of, and she called her this morning and got me a 10:30 appt. How sweet was that! Paul said the way I was talking at the end of the massage he thought I was half asleep so it was definitely relaxing.

He's been such a sweet heart. He went to Bucknell last night (late) so that he could be with me this morning and afternoon. He was looking forward to having breakfast together at Denny's prior to the transfer but the massage meant no time for that. Now he's at my university doing some work in the lab on a piece of equipment his school doesn't have (he was there yesterday and got a parking ticket but today he's using my car so he won't get a ticket), and he's picking up pizza on the way home for dinner. I really appreciate all he's done for me today and I know he'll keep helping me out during my 3 days of bedrest (or pelvic rest as the nurse called it, LOL).

Thanks again for all your prayers. Now I am praying the little embryo will break through the zona pellucida, implant into my uterus, and HANG ON tight!!!

Progesterone bump

I had been given the advice from other ivfers to have Paul massage the area after each injection to prevent the medication creating a "bump" that feels like a muscle knot, but he never massaged me this summer, and I never got a bump. Well I have two bumps already this time and the one on the right side is particularly large. Yesterday night he said some other fluid came out after the injection instead of the usual blood. So I felt around and found a huge lump. That also is where I am the most sensitive. So it hurt a LOT to have him massage it to try to get the medicine to spread out. Today he massaged after both injections so hopefully no new lumps will form and maybe the ones I have will get smaller. I can't bear to have the one on the right massaged too much at one time. The heating pad definitely helps at home on the couch.

I checked the USPS website and it doesn't say that the lawyer has received the package I mailed on Saturday. I am surprised because I paid extra for it to go "Priority" so I thought it would be there by today. I am going to check again tomorrow, and if it doesn't arrive tomorrow then I might need Paul to go to the Post Office and send it overnight mail or something which will be costly plus I had sent 5x7 photos this time, and I don't have any extras of those. Hopefully it will arrive there tomorrow. I am going to email the lawyer's office in case it got there by USPS hasn't updated the website for some reason (I paid for delivery confirmation).

Well tomorrow is THE day. Thank you all for your encouragement and support and prayers. Tomorrow I'll be PUPO hopefully (presuming the embyro makes it to transfer). It's about time since I'm already 5dpo today, LOL. I'll post tomorrow when I get back from the RE's which will probably be about 3:30pm. This summer I was there 3 hours for the transfer, and my appt is at noon (transfer at 1pm). I am definitely going to WAIT much longer to start filling my bladder this time. Definitely a lesson I learned in August! I plan to talk to and pray for our little one once he/she is transferred back as I figure those 11 days might be the only time I am able to do that. I want to savor every moment of being PUPO in case I never get a BFP.

2,000th day

Well today is our 2,000th day of ttc. It's been a long journey so far. Especially since I have looked forward to the day I would become a mom for more than 20 years. I stopped babysitting around age 18 because it was too hard for me emotionally. When I held a baby in my arms, every fiber of my being would be longing for the day I'd have my own baby in my arms. Well that was about 18 years ago and the dream is yet unfulfilled. During these 2,000 days my 2 younger sisters have had 5 children. Of course I absolutely love them to pieces. I am sure I would have loved them a LOT whether or not I had any children, but I think my feelings toward them are a little different since I don't have any children. When teaching I'm sure I'd use my own kids as the examples/anecdotes I share instead of always using my nieces and nephews. I'd have my own child's photo on my mousepad at work instead of my sweet niece's. Many students and faculty comment and say something like "you have such a cute daughter," and I then let them know she's one of my nieces. They're the closest things I have to children right now. Maybe I should have a Steeler mousepad instead, no one will think I'm say Willie Parker, Hines Ward, or Ben Rothlisberger's mother, LOL! Although actually a couple of weeks ago a couple of students (ages 20-21) said to me they'd like to think of me as their mother. Wow did that make me feel old!

Anyhow hopefully the count of days ttc will come to an end soon. Part of me hates to say something like "hopefully 2008 will be our year" because I said that about 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, and 2007 and so far it didn't come true (unless "Ann" picks us next week!!!). So part of me tries not think "surely before you turn 36" or "surely before another Mother's Day rolls around," as I know how painful it is to reach that next milestone without having become a mom yet. On the other hand, it's really hard to say - well it might not happen for 2 more years or something like that. It's hard to think that far down the road when the journey has already been so long. So I guess I will just keep setting myself up for disappointment as it feels better to have hope that it will happen next year than to just assume say 2009 is the earliest it might happen.

One thought I have had about "Ann" is what if the FET doesn't work but Ann does pick us. Will we still do IVF #2 in Chicago in Dec/Jan? I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I doubt adopting one baby will diminish Paul's desire for me to do IVF again. I had planned to try to nurse an adopted baby, and I bought a high quality pump (hundreds of dollars), herbs, and a supplementer back in 2005 to that end. I had planned to start pumping as soon as we had a match, but if Ann happens to pick us I won't do anything until the Beta as I sure wouldn't want to mess up the FET in any way by trying to get my body to lactate. If she picks us and the Beta is BFN then I'd start pumping and such at that point. If she picks us and the Beta is BFP then I think I'll just forget about my desire to nurse an adopted baby and just bottle feed and wait til I gave birth to nurse.

I really hope BOTH situations don't turn out negative next week. But I know they easily could as the FET has at best a 25% chance at best to work, and we've been shown over 200 times and not picked the past almost 3 years. It's just going to be a tough double whammy. I hope ONE of these turns out as a YES. Of course our first choice would be to get a BFP, but honestly I will be thrilled even if we get a BFN if Ann picks us. And the best of ALL would be to get a BFP and be picked! That would be amazing!!! It's going to be tough though if we get a BFN and don't get picked. Not fun at all. Well in about 7-8 days we'll know if Ann picked us or not, and in 13 days we'll know if our little embryo implanted. So at least we won't be in suspense for too much longer.

In the mail

I mailed our packet to FL yesterday. I paid for delivery confirmation and sent it priority just to be sure it would get there in time. Pray that I don't get my hopes up too much. The thought of possibly becoming a mommy next month is truly wonderful...

My hips are definitely getting sore now. Every time I sit down (just starting today) I feel sore. The worst was during choir practice at 8am this morning on a metal folding chair. OUCH! Unfortunately, I know the pain level is going to increase as this is just from 1x a day and it will be 2x a day starting tomorrow. Only 4 more days til I'm PUPO again!!! (presuming the embryo makes it through the thawing process)

July

If the triplets had made it in August, they would have been due 3 days after my 36th bday in April. So I find it a little ironic that if this last little one makes it, my EDD will be July 18. This FET date was based on the REs schedule not my own or I would have had the transfer a week ago. Anyhow July 17 is the bday of 4 people I know - my friend Clark, my sister Wendy, my cousin Brent (dad's side of the family), and my uncle Dick (mom's side of the family). Of course they were all born in different years (although three of those four people are in their 30's), but our baby could possibly share a bday with other relatives.

Paul had the reaction I expected. He was concerned about the $3K birthmother expenses, the idea of applying prior to finding out if I am pg, and the 5% chance that the birthfather is AA. I know my hubby pretty well, LOL! But he said I can apply. I really like the fact she's due in one month as it means she'll have to pick quickly an also not a long time to be in suspense as to whether she'll change her mind plus it means we might become parents in one month! So as Lucia said, I want to apply and leave it in God's hands. Applying by no means guarantees we'll be picked. It does mean though I'll be in two "2wws" at once since she'll be getting the packets four days after our transfer. I don't know if that's good or bad. On the one hand it will definitely soften the blow if one of those is a "no" if the other turns out to be a "yes," but then if both are negative that might be a double whammy emotionally. Oh well, it does feel exciting to be presented by him again. I have no idea how steep the competition will be this time. We've applied with him twice before - once less than 10 applied and the second time more than 20 applied. We have been presented many times through Cathy and Lifetime, but in those instances we don't know about it. The upside of that is the sting of rejection is not as strong and it's not an emotional rollercoaster, but the downside is I don't have those moments of feeling excited like maybe THIS will be our child's birthmother like I do when we apply through Mark. So anyhow "Ann" has been added to my prayer list in terms of God guiding her in the selection of adoptive parents for her baby boy.

One day late

Yesterday I opened the mail and found a Staples reward card for $44.10 plus a coupon for $25 off any copy & print center purchase of $25 of more. Sigh. Two days ago I had just spent $22.25 on ink cartridges and $58.81 on color copies for the profile at Staples. If this coupon and rebate had arrived ONE day earlier I would have saved $69.10 or if I had waited until today to go to Staples. The rebate was from spending $291.77 at their copy center this summer doing the profiles for Cathy. The rebate and coupon have to be used by 12/31. I'll find something to buy there with the $44.10 between now and 12/31, and I guess I'll make a few more copies of our profile for Cathy with the $25 coupon just in case she wants more later (since those copies will be free with the coupon). I just wish I could have used the coupon and rebate for the expenses this week!

I felt very out of sorts yesterday. I came home earlier than normal (7pm) as I gave a midterm exam so class didn't go as long as usual. I almost went straight to bed. I had planned to grade the exams, but I'll grade them today instead. I decided to read in bed a little and I did end up staying up til 8:30pm. I just felt very weepy again like I did almost 3 weeks ago when I started the Lupron. I still feel that way. I could burst into tears this very moment. I am sure my body doesn't know what's going on. I've been on Lupron to lower my E2 and that sure happened. Then on Tuesday my Lupron dose was cut in half and I started E2 shots to get my E2 up. What a hormonal roller coaster which is leading to an emotional roller coaster! Anyhow I am hoping I start to feel "normal" again soon. It doesn't help that my allergies are really bad also. I am blowing my nose and sneezing nonstop. I meant to take an antihistamine before I went to bed, but I forgot and I don't take them during the day as they make me too drowsy. Hopefully I'll remember tonight!

205 Profiles

Well Paul and I have now paid for and taken the time to assemble 205 profiles. We've spent well over $1,000 on them over the past 34 months. I don't have time to go to the Post Office today, but I will mail them out tomorrow. The bill so far for these 15 stands at $65 so my $75 estimate won't be too far off once I pay the postage. The first time we assembled profiles our mood was far different than it has been this last year! I was so excited and thinking maybe THIS profile will be the one our baby's birthmother will receive. Last night as we assembled them we wondered if Lifetime will actually send these to any birthmothers, and we certainly have no hope of being picked in the next less than 2 months. But we'd love to be wrong. I hope this was our last time assembling profiles, but Cathy might need more in the future (we've sent her 50 so far). After Lifetime gets these they will have received 146 profiles from us total.

I've also now had 21 shots of I thought 71 total although I wonder if my counting is off based on how many syringes they gave me yesterday! I guess they order a few extra because if this baby hangs on then I'll need to continue for the first trimester.

Yesterday I was at the eye doctor for the first time since June 2005. My insurance pays for me to go once every two years. As the doctor was reviewing my chart he said - last time you were here you were pg. Yep I was. He didn't ask any more questions beyond that so I didn't explain it was an ectopic pgcy. When I saw him was the week of the BFP - when my Betas were low but I still had lots of hope as they were doubling. It was a sad reminder of the little life we lost 2 years ago. Earlier someone had asked me if I was on any medications. I said I was for IVF. She asked which ones and I told her Lupron and Estrogen since that's what I'm on this week. Well the doctor couldn't read her handwriting and said so you're on Lipitor. Nope! My cholesterol is VERY low. No need for that! I said no it's Lupron. In church on Sunday a nurse asked me what I was on and I said Lupron and she said - that's for prostate cancer. I said "I know," and we laughed. The woman next to her said - my dad was on Lupron for prostate cancer. He had the injections once a week. I said I have them once a day. The nurse said well I am quite certain you'll never get prostate cancer since #1 you've had the drug to treat it and #2 you don't have a prostate, LOL!