Progesterone bump

I had been given the advice from other ivfers to have Paul massage the area after each injection to prevent the medication creating a "bump" that feels like a muscle knot, but he never massaged me this summer, and I never got a bump. Well I have two bumps already this time and the one on the right side is particularly large. Yesterday night he said some other fluid came out after the injection instead of the usual blood. So I felt around and found a huge lump. That also is where I am the most sensitive. So it hurt a LOT to have him massage it to try to get the medicine to spread out. Today he massaged after both injections so hopefully no new lumps will form and maybe the ones I have will get smaller. I can't bear to have the one on the right massaged too much at one time. The heating pad definitely helps at home on the couch.

I checked the USPS website and it doesn't say that the lawyer has received the package I mailed on Saturday. I am surprised because I paid extra for it to go "Priority" so I thought it would be there by today. I am going to check again tomorrow, and if it doesn't arrive tomorrow then I might need Paul to go to the Post Office and send it overnight mail or something which will be costly plus I had sent 5x7 photos this time, and I don't have any extras of those. Hopefully it will arrive there tomorrow. I am going to email the lawyer's office in case it got there by USPS hasn't updated the website for some reason (I paid for delivery confirmation).

Well tomorrow is THE day. Thank you all for your encouragement and support and prayers. Tomorrow I'll be PUPO hopefully (presuming the embyro makes it to transfer). It's about time since I'm already 5dpo today, LOL. I'll post tomorrow when I get back from the RE's which will probably be about 3:30pm. This summer I was there 3 hours for the transfer, and my appt is at noon (transfer at 1pm). I am definitely going to WAIT much longer to start filling my bladder this time. Definitely a lesson I learned in August! I plan to talk to and pray for our little one once he/she is transferred back as I figure those 11 days might be the only time I am able to do that. I want to savor every moment of being PUPO in case I never get a BFP.

Heating pad

I do use ice before and after the injection. The injection itself doesn't hurt that much at all as far as when it's happening especially if I am lying down when Paul gives it to me although I do bleed a fair amount after most of them. It's just my butt hurts 24 hours a day now. I'm always aware of it (which is a weird thing as usually I am not aware of or thinking about that part of my body). It just feels very sore and tender. Like maybe someone has used me as a punching bag or like I pulled a muscle or something. It's hard to describe. Anyhow I am thankful that the chair in my office at work does not bother me, and I am fairly comfortable on our living room couch especially when I have a heating pad turned on under me. Certain chairs hurt worse than others. Metal folding chairs are definitely torture devices. A friend of mine went with me last night to a Broadway show being performed at my university, and although I usually find those seats very comfortable (padded) it was almost unbearable. I stood the whole intermission and contemplated standing the whole performance as I was in a lot of pain. Driving hurts a lot too. I am concerned about the trip to Chicago a week from today - first we drive to Baltimore to get to the airport (about 2 1/2 hours w/o traffic) and then fly to Chicago. Not sure what I'll think of sitting on the airplane. I guess I'll find out soon enough!

Hurts to sit

I am still overwhelmed with how many are praying on behalf of our little frozen embryo. The pastor's wife's mother passed away last night so the funeral will be Thursday at 11:00 which was when the ladies planned to gather to pray. Some (who didn't know her) are still going to gather then, but others are gathering tomorrow night at 8pm. Various ones in the handbell choir and also the senior choir have said they will be praying (wherever they are) on Thursday at that time. It's very touching and so very much appreciated. I have to admit I am a little scared at how many people know about this FET (more than new about the IVF this summer) as I am fearful of what they might say afterward if it doesn't work or being asked more times if it worked or not, etc. But I was worried about this summer and actually had very few "annoying" comments so hopefully my fears are unwarranted. I've told only a very few at work. One colleague who does know asked if I had told my students - definitely not! I just told them I was having a small surgery on Thursday (telling them why I wouldn't be in class on Friday). I guess surgery probably isn't the right word to use but I wasn't sure how to describe it without actually saying what it was and no one asked any questions.

My hips hurt so very much. I am really struggling with the notion of doing all this again if this FET doesn't work, but I just need to live in today. God hasn't given me the grace I need for that (yet). I know I shouldn't worry about tomorrow... I stood during Bible study this morning. It's too painful to sit on a metal folding chair. I am in pain pretty much all day. Thankfully it hasn't interrupted my sleep yet although when I first laid down last night it was hard to find a position that wasn't painful. Today will be my first day of having 3 intramuscular injections. I had 2 this morning and will have another this evening. Even with the fresh ivf this summer I never had more than one IM injection on any given day and I was in a lot of pain after several days of those and the pain level increased over time so I am struggling not to be fearful of how much the pain is going to increase when I have 16 a week knowing how much discomfort I was in having 7 a week in August. But I try to focus on the little baby that's at the hospital now and think okay I can do this for my little one.

A friend offered to pay for me to have a massage before the transfer which was SO generous, but her massage therapist only had an opening at 8:45am and then we'd have almost 2 hours of time to kill. Plus this therapist is over 45 minutes from our house and we didn't think rushing out the door prior to 8am when we don't need to be at the hospital til noon would make for a relaxing morning. I tried a few other massage therapists today but no one had an opening around the time I was looking for (either say 8:30am or noon or 3:30 pm or something like that). Well we are saving $50 by me not having a massage. I'll just try to be as relaxed as possible (although I definitely was far more physically relaxed than normal after the massage on August 4 before the 3dt). 47 hours from now hopefully our little one will be nestled inside of me. One of my friends who is going to do IVF for the first time in January (she's also been with Lifetime for almost 3 years without any possible matches) said her RE says to do 3 days of bedrest and to not get up for food or shower or anything - only to go to the bathroom. So that's what I'm going to do this time. I plan to stay on the couch from Thursday afternoon til Monday at 6am! If being inactive will help, I will definitely give that a whirl!

2,000th day

Well today is our 2,000th day of ttc. It's been a long journey so far. Especially since I have looked forward to the day I would become a mom for more than 20 years. I stopped babysitting around age 18 because it was too hard for me emotionally. When I held a baby in my arms, every fiber of my being would be longing for the day I'd have my own baby in my arms. Well that was about 18 years ago and the dream is yet unfulfilled. During these 2,000 days my 2 younger sisters have had 5 children. Of course I absolutely love them to pieces. I am sure I would have loved them a LOT whether or not I had any children, but I think my feelings toward them are a little different since I don't have any children. When teaching I'm sure I'd use my own kids as the examples/anecdotes I share instead of always using my nieces and nephews. I'd have my own child's photo on my mousepad at work instead of my sweet niece's. Many students and faculty comment and say something like "you have such a cute daughter," and I then let them know she's one of my nieces. They're the closest things I have to children right now. Maybe I should have a Steeler mousepad instead, no one will think I'm say Willie Parker, Hines Ward, or Ben Rothlisberger's mother, LOL! Although actually a couple of weeks ago a couple of students (ages 20-21) said to me they'd like to think of me as their mother. Wow did that make me feel old!

Anyhow hopefully the count of days ttc will come to an end soon. Part of me hates to say something like "hopefully 2008 will be our year" because I said that about 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, and 2007 and so far it didn't come true (unless "Ann" picks us next week!!!). So part of me tries not think "surely before you turn 36" or "surely before another Mother's Day rolls around," as I know how painful it is to reach that next milestone without having become a mom yet. On the other hand, it's really hard to say - well it might not happen for 2 more years or something like that. It's hard to think that far down the road when the journey has already been so long. So I guess I will just keep setting myself up for disappointment as it feels better to have hope that it will happen next year than to just assume say 2009 is the earliest it might happen.

One thought I have had about "Ann" is what if the FET doesn't work but Ann does pick us. Will we still do IVF #2 in Chicago in Dec/Jan? I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I doubt adopting one baby will diminish Paul's desire for me to do IVF again. I had planned to try to nurse an adopted baby, and I bought a high quality pump (hundreds of dollars), herbs, and a supplementer back in 2005 to that end. I had planned to start pumping as soon as we had a match, but if Ann happens to pick us I won't do anything until the Beta as I sure wouldn't want to mess up the FET in any way by trying to get my body to lactate. If she picks us and the Beta is BFN then I'd start pumping and such at that point. If she picks us and the Beta is BFP then I think I'll just forget about my desire to nurse an adopted baby and just bottle feed and wait til I gave birth to nurse.

I really hope BOTH situations don't turn out negative next week. But I know they easily could as the FET has at best a 25% chance at best to work, and we've been shown over 200 times and not picked the past almost 3 years. It's just going to be a tough double whammy. I hope ONE of these turns out as a YES. Of course our first choice would be to get a BFP, but honestly I will be thrilled even if we get a BFN if Ann picks us. And the best of ALL would be to get a BFP and be picked! That would be amazing!!! It's going to be tough though if we get a BFN and don't get picked. Not fun at all. Well in about 7-8 days we'll know if Ann picked us or not, and in 13 days we'll know if our little embryo implanted. So at least we won't be in suspense for too much longer.

In the mail

I mailed our packet to FL yesterday. I paid for delivery confirmation and sent it priority just to be sure it would get there in time. Pray that I don't get my hopes up too much. The thought of possibly becoming a mommy next month is truly wonderful...

My hips are definitely getting sore now. Every time I sit down (just starting today) I feel sore. The worst was during choir practice at 8am this morning on a metal folding chair. OUCH! Unfortunately, I know the pain level is going to increase as this is just from 1x a day and it will be 2x a day starting tomorrow. Only 4 more days til I'm PUPO again!!! (presuming the embryo makes it through the thawing process)

PIO begins

Well I'm officially "1dpo" which means I'm in the infamous 2ww. Seems funny to say that since the last time I ovulated was June 9. I started the bcp on June 23 and have had my system "shut down" through Lupron shots and such since then. Anyhow our little embryo was conceived on Aug 1 and frozen on Aug 7 so that means FET day is = 6dpo and the FET is only in 5 days. Wow. It seemed so far away for so many weeks but now it's just around the corner. Since I'm in dpo land it means time to get the P4 going up, up, up so I start the PIO injections today. Hopefully the tricks the nurse told me yesterday will help make it less painful. I only have one shot today and tomorrow but starting Monday it's two a day for hopefully the next oh 10 weeks or so. I am posting a picture of the syringes I was given 2 weeks ago. The box holds 50 IM needles all nicely packed in there, but I needed more than 50 so there were others in the big bag that I just set on top of the ones in the box. That's a LOT of needles!!! I hope I need to use them all (only will if I get a BFP). Today will be my 34th shot so if we lost this little baby then I'm about 1/2 way done wth my shots as I'll have about 70 total in that scenario. If this little one hangs on tight I think I'll have about 200 shots total this FET cycle (compared to 59 this summer with the fresh IVF).

July

If the triplets had made it in August, they would have been due 3 days after my 36th bday in April. So I find it a little ironic that if this last little one makes it, my EDD will be July 18. This FET date was based on the REs schedule not my own or I would have had the transfer a week ago. Anyhow July 17 is the bday of 4 people I know - my friend Clark, my sister Wendy, my cousin Brent (dad's side of the family), and my uncle Dick (mom's side of the family). Of course they were all born in different years (although three of those four people are in their 30's), but our baby could possibly share a bday with other relatives.

Paul had the reaction I expected. He was concerned about the $3K birthmother expenses, the idea of applying prior to finding out if I am pg, and the 5% chance that the birthfather is AA. I know my hubby pretty well, LOL! But he said I can apply. I really like the fact she's due in one month as it means she'll have to pick quickly an also not a long time to be in suspense as to whether she'll change her mind plus it means we might become parents in one month! So as Lucia said, I want to apply and leave it in God's hands. Applying by no means guarantees we'll be picked. It does mean though I'll be in two "2wws" at once since she'll be getting the packets four days after our transfer. I don't know if that's good or bad. On the one hand it will definitely soften the blow if one of those is a "no" if the other turns out to be a "yes," but then if both are negative that might be a double whammy emotionally. Oh well, it does feel exciting to be presented by him again. I have no idea how steep the competition will be this time. We've applied with him twice before - once less than 10 applied and the second time more than 20 applied. We have been presented many times through Cathy and Lifetime, but in those instances we don't know about it. The upside of that is the sting of rejection is not as strong and it's not an emotional rollercoaster, but the downside is I don't have those moments of feeling excited like maybe THIS will be our child's birthmother like I do when we apply through Mark. So anyhow "Ann" has been added to my prayer list in terms of God guiding her in the selection of adoptive parents for her baby boy.

Ovulation day!

Well today is the equivelant of ovulation day or egg retrieval day or conception day whatever you want to call it. Tomorrow the 2ww begins although since I'll be in Chicago the wait will be longer than two weeks (16 days til hpt and 17 days til Beta). The EV injection really hurt today. I've already started bleeding every time I have an IM injection. I talked to a nurse about it today (at work - most of the professors on the hall where my office is are nursing profs who were Nurse Practicioners and then most got their PhDs after that although the one I talked to today doesn't have a PhD). Anyhow my colleague at work gave me some good tips so that hopefully it won't hurt as much although the bleeding just depends on what he hits. Tomorrow I start the PIO. My hips will soon become a pin cushion. OUCH!

E2 results

My E2 went from 184 on Monday to 533 today. Dr. Awad wants me to keep my dosage the same (4mg on Tuesdays and Fridays). Tomorrow is my last Lupron shot, and Saturday I start the PIO injections.

My small group at church asked for specifics they could pray for on Nov 1, I thought I'd share them here as well.

1. For the embryologist as she prepares our embryo for transfer. The thawing process only takes 1-2 minutes, but the critical part is the dilution of the cryoprotectant fluid to return the embryo to its favored culture medium. I am praying for as little cryodamage as possible. Some embryos do not survive the thawing process and the transfer does not even take place. I am praying for this little one to sustain as little cryoinjury as possible.

2. For Dr. Awad as he performs the transfer - for accurate placement of the embryo in my uterus.

3. For the embryo to be able to hatch through the zona pellucida (outer shell) soon after transfer since we aren't doing assisted hatching.

4. For our little one to implant into my uterus and hang on tight for about 8 1/2 months!

Lining is thick enough

Well I had my b/w and u/s this morning. The b/w was a bit traumatic. I gave her my left arm like I always do and she stabbed me and said there wasn't any blood coming out and she wiggled and jiggled the needle around but nothing came. She said I had been using that arm too much lately. Well in the past I've had blood drawn from that arm two days in a row and often times every other day without any problems, and in the past 10 days I've only had blood drawn 3 times including today (last was Monday) so that doesn't make sense to me. She said something like you should have offered me your other arm. I almost started crying. I know it's ridiculous, but the strangest things make me feel like crying these days. In Bible study on Tuesday ALL the women were crying except me, but here with the phlebotomist I almost lost it. I don't like this phlebotomist as much as the one who used to work there. She usually bruises me. Well anyhow the good news is that she was able to get blood from my right arm (the one that's usually uncooperative) so we didn't have to resort to my hand (which I find rather painful). I won't need blood drawn again until the Beta on 11/12. The nurse will call me this afternoon to tell me whether my EV dosage is being increased or decreased based upon what my E2 was at today.

Then I had my u/s. A woman from Michigan began doing her fellowship with Dr. Awad in July. Back then she just watched when someone else did the u/s. Today she did it herself, but Dr. Awad was standing there guiding her and talking with her about it. She's really nice and has great bedside manners. I remember as a child noticing that about the residents, interns, and fellows at the Children's Hospital in DC. They were always much more gentle when examining my ear than an ENT who had been practicing many years. I remember once as a child encouraging one of them to try to stay gentle even after he had been practicing for many years. Anyhow my lining is 8.6mm today. That's thick enough (needs to be at least 7mm and 8-13mm is usually considered ideal). My lining normally at this stage is usually 10mm, but of course in inj/iui cycles or even the ivf in July my E2 is usually up around 3,000 so it makes sense my lining is thicker then. It will probably thicken up some more prior to the transfer as I'm still on EV injections. Anyhow all systems are "go" for the transfer one week from today. I am very relieved as the nurse had said before well we can always push it back one week and I thought - that won't be good as I'll be in Chicago the next week. I am thankful the transfer will be November 1 as scheduled. I'll post later once the nurse calls me about my E2 levels.

Every time I think about someone being willing to be a surrogate for me, I am just blown away. Then two women shared with me this week that they also received offers of surrogacy (one woman by her daughter's birthmother). So I guess it's more common than I realized. It still amazes me that someone would be willing to do this. I don't think I could carry a baby for 9 months even if I knew that baby wasn't genetically mine and then give that baby back to his/her biological parents. So I am utterly amazed that this woman at church would be willing to do this for me. When I mentioned it to Paul, he was not at ALL wanting to consider it. And it's not something I want to consider either. It's too expensive for one thing. But I am overwhelmed that someone would be willing to do this for me.

WOW!

Well the word "WOW" is the best way I can summarize a few things that happened today at ladies Bible study. First, Heather (the leader) came up to me and said that she is going to ask some ladies to meet together at church on Nov 1 to pray during the time the embryo is being thawed and cultured. She asked if I would send a detailed list of things they can pray for. That blew me away -a group of women taking the time to make a trip to church to pray for an hour for our little tiny baby.

Then later as I was walking to my small group a woman (who is not in my small group) said that she had been thinking of sharing an idea with me but had needed to talk to her husband first. She said she had talked to her husband, and he had agreed. She asked if we had considered surrogacy and said she would be willing to do that for us. Wow. I was stunned. We have never considered that since conception has seemed to be our roadblock (due to only 3% normal sperm). The RE said he usually suggests couples 35 or older use donor eggs, but he said in light of the high quality of our embyros he doesn't even suggest donor eggs. And they've never found anything wrong with my uterus, so I don't think it's that I can't carry a baby (at least that hasn't been indicated thus far). Anyhow that was such an incredible offer to make. What a huge thing to be willing to carry someone else's baby for them!!!!

Then I went into small group and before we got started some of the ladies started asking me more information about the FET. I had written it down on the prayer list every week, but I hadn't ever talked about it. ALL of them started crying. I do mean ALL the ladies in the room. I said - wait a minute, I am the one on hormone shots - not you, LOL! Then one lady said let's pray for her NOW and so before we started the study we all held hands and one woman prayed and everyone was crying. I was so moved. I actually cried the least of anyone in the room. I think I am trying so hard to keep my emotions in check. Anyhow it just blew me away - the compassion was extremely evident. And the comments some made were so insightful about how wow it must be hard for you when people complain about their kids, etc. I could tell they were seeing things in a new light. All of them are mothers (and some also grandmothers). They kept saying they had no idea all that was involved in this process. I tell you if this little embryo grows into a little baby we can hold in our arms - I know of several women who will love this little one and recognize what a miracle he or she is.

Finally, one woman shared at how amazed she is at how I handle this. Several said that from the outside it's not obvious what I've been going through and they can't believe how happy I am. One talked about how she can sense God's presence through my music at church. Their main point was that they feel that God is using this infertility so that I can be a testimony for others. Although I was getting extremely embarassed at all the attention being given in my direction and was really wanting the conversation to switch to a new topic, I have to say it did help me to remember that God can work all things out for good. He is in control, and there's a reason I've been waiting so many years to become a mom.

So again I say WOW. Wow that a woman I don't know very well at all and rarely ever talk to would be willing to be a surrogate if we wanted to pursue that. Wow that the ladies in my small group care so much about me, Paul, and our little tiny embryo that they were all moved to tears. Wow that several of them are going to gather at church for an hour on Nov 1 to pray for a successful thawing and transfer of our little tiny baby. Heather always refers to the embryo as a boy. Who knows? Maybe she's right. I hope we find out in a few months on a ultrasound.

On another note, as many of you know I have at times been wrestling with whether we made the right decision this summer about not redoing our dossier for Ukraine. Now honestly I should just rest in the knowledge that Paul was 100% adamant that we not redo the dossier so really there was no decision to make on my part, but I have had the "what if..." moments along the way particularly when our translator was able to submit 3 other dossiers in Aug/Sept that were sent in April/May (ours was sent the first week of April). When one couple who sent theirs in May was submitted in August and they got an appt for Dec, I thought oh that would have been perfect to travel over at that time of year in between semesters. But then last week I found out that Kathy's (who sent hers the same day as we did (in April) but hers was tied up in customs so Valentina got ours one week before she got Kathy's) appointment is for late January. I had a huge sense of relief as that would NOT have worked for us. So I have peace about that now. I must keep trusting that God has a good plan, and I am hoping the wait is almost over whether it means we'll soon find out I'm pg or it means we'll be matched with a birthmother.

Thawing process

"The embryos are thawed out at room temperature, which takes about one to two minutes. However, the most critical element of the thaw procedure is not the timing but the careful dilution of the cryoprotectant fluid to return the embryo to its favored culture medium. This permits resumed growth and development in vitro. Once this is done, the embryo is assessed for cryodamage to determine if it is suitable for transfer. Experience has shown that if the embryo survives 50% or more intact, it is worthwhile to replace it. Embryos can accommodate such levels of cellular damage and still establish healthy pregnancies." We had been told previously that the thawing will take place about one hour before the transfer. Thankfully my clinic has a 90%+ thaw rate meaning less than 10% of the embyros they thaw do not make it to the transfer.

I admit I am still concerned about the whole assisted hatching decision. The website which I quoted from above said, "the zona pellucida, which surrounds the embryo, has been shown to suffer a certain amount of hardening during cryopreservation. This can be overcome by artificially making an opening in the outer embryo shell." So I am going to pray specifically that the little blastocyst can hatch on it's own since our RE doesn't want us to do AH this time (he says if this transfer doesn't result in a pregnancy to do AH the next time).

Bloodwork

Well I actually made it to my 8:00 class on time, but I didn't start on time as I had sent the students an email saying class would start at 8:10 in light of my 7:30am laboratory appointment (at a hospital 20 minutes from school). I got there a little early, and they took me right away so I actually left the hospital at 7:30. That was an answer to prayer that I made it to class on time.

The nurse called me a little while ago and said my E2 went up to 184. She said they want to see it up around 400. So my EV dosage has been doubled starting tomorrow. She said almost all the patients have their dose doubled. My E2 will be checked again on Thursday, and she said my dosage might be increased again at that point. I also will have an ultrasound on Thursday to make sure my lining is thick enough. She also told me the date of my FET had been moved as Dr. Murphy won't be in on Nov 2. So Dr. Awad will be doing my FET on Nov 1. I had arranged for my GA to cover my classes on Nov 2, and then told her "never mind" after my appt was moved to Nov 2, so I emailed her today to say I do need her to proctor an exam for me in my 8:00, 9:00, and 10:00 classes on Nov 2 as I'll be on bed rest that day. Thankfully it won't pose a problem for Paul to be with me to switch to Thursday. Having the FET date changed means I stop the Lupron on Friday instead of Saturday and means I start the PIO injections on Saturday instead of Sunday. So the prayer request now is that my E2 will be up around 400 on Thursday and that my lining will be thick enough.

Baby aspirin

Many REs have their patients take one baby aspirin a day while ttc (and continue it for various amounts into the pgcy such as say 20 weeks). I asked the ladies on the IVF discussion board about whether their RE had told them to take baby aspirin, and several wrote back that they had or are presently taking baby aspirin for a fresh transfer or FET. I had bought some baby aspirin in 2005 and took it the cycle I got pg. Then in one of my "I'm never going to do another medicated cycle" phases - I had thrown out the baby aspirin bottles. So today at Walmart I bought some more baby aspirin and plan to start taking it daily. I figure it can't hurt, and if it might help it's worth a try!

One day late

Yesterday I opened the mail and found a Staples reward card for $44.10 plus a coupon for $25 off any copy & print center purchase of $25 of more. Sigh. Two days ago I had just spent $22.25 on ink cartridges and $58.81 on color copies for the profile at Staples. If this coupon and rebate had arrived ONE day earlier I would have saved $69.10 or if I had waited until today to go to Staples. The rebate was from spending $291.77 at their copy center this summer doing the profiles for Cathy. The rebate and coupon have to be used by 12/31. I'll find something to buy there with the $44.10 between now and 12/31, and I guess I'll make a few more copies of our profile for Cathy with the $25 coupon just in case she wants more later (since those copies will be free with the coupon). I just wish I could have used the coupon and rebate for the expenses this week!

I felt very out of sorts yesterday. I came home earlier than normal (7pm) as I gave a midterm exam so class didn't go as long as usual. I almost went straight to bed. I had planned to grade the exams, but I'll grade them today instead. I decided to read in bed a little and I did end up staying up til 8:30pm. I just felt very weepy again like I did almost 3 weeks ago when I started the Lupron. I still feel that way. I could burst into tears this very moment. I am sure my body doesn't know what's going on. I've been on Lupron to lower my E2 and that sure happened. Then on Tuesday my Lupron dose was cut in half and I started E2 shots to get my E2 up. What a hormonal roller coaster which is leading to an emotional roller coaster! Anyhow I am hoping I start to feel "normal" again soon. It doesn't help that my allergies are really bad also. I am blowing my nose and sneezing nonstop. I meant to take an antihistamine before I went to bed, but I forgot and I don't take them during the day as they make me too drowsy. Hopefully I'll remember tonight!

205 Profiles

Well Paul and I have now paid for and taken the time to assemble 205 profiles. We've spent well over $1,000 on them over the past 34 months. I don't have time to go to the Post Office today, but I will mail them out tomorrow. The bill so far for these 15 stands at $65 so my $75 estimate won't be too far off once I pay the postage. The first time we assembled profiles our mood was far different than it has been this last year! I was so excited and thinking maybe THIS profile will be the one our baby's birthmother will receive. Last night as we assembled them we wondered if Lifetime will actually send these to any birthmothers, and we certainly have no hope of being picked in the next less than 2 months. But we'd love to be wrong. I hope this was our last time assembling profiles, but Cathy might need more in the future (we've sent her 50 so far). After Lifetime gets these they will have received 146 profiles from us total.

I've also now had 21 shots of I thought 71 total although I wonder if my counting is off based on how many syringes they gave me yesterday! I guess they order a few extra because if this baby hangs on then I'll need to continue for the first trimester.

Yesterday I was at the eye doctor for the first time since June 2005. My insurance pays for me to go once every two years. As the doctor was reviewing my chart he said - last time you were here you were pg. Yep I was. He didn't ask any more questions beyond that so I didn't explain it was an ectopic pgcy. When I saw him was the week of the BFP - when my Betas were low but I still had lots of hope as they were doubling. It was a sad reminder of the little life we lost 2 years ago. Earlier someone had asked me if I was on any medications. I said I was for IVF. She asked which ones and I told her Lupron and Estrogen since that's what I'm on this week. Well the doctor couldn't read her handwriting and said so you're on Lipitor. Nope! My cholesterol is VERY low. No need for that! I said no it's Lupron. In church on Sunday a nurse asked me what I was on and I said Lupron and she said - that's for prostate cancer. I said "I know," and we laughed. The woman next to her said - my dad was on Lupron for prostate cancer. He had the injections once a week. I said I have them once a day. The nurse said well I am quite certain you'll never get prostate cancer since #1 you've had the drug to treat it and #2 you don't have a prostate, LOL!

Green means go!

This morning I went to the RE and had an u/s. Dr. Awad said my lining is very thin, and I don't have any cysts. No surprise there! I also had blood drawn and the nurse called me a little bit ago and told me my E2 was 8.8. YIKES! That's the lowest ever!!! Usually it's in the low 20's when my baseline is done, and that's even where it was this summer for the baseline for IVF. But for some reason it's even lower this time. The Lupron was doing it's job! It's amazing I wasn't having more side effects with my estrogen being supressed that low (compared to up around 3,000 with IVF this summer - what a shift!). I have been more emotional, but that's about it.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up the estrodial valerate as when I dropped off the RX 19 days ago they said they would have to order it, but they would have it in the next day. I didn't need it until today so I hadn't gone back. Well they didn't have it!! They said it would be in later this week. I asked why no one called me over the past 19 days??? I said I need it TODAY! I tried to stay calm, but I admit I felt a sense of panic overtaking me! He said he'll make some calls and after a few calls said "you're in luck." I don't view it as "luck" that the pharmacy will have my RX ready when I give them 19 days lead time, LOL! So anyhow I came back 2 hours later after ladies Bible study and picked up my BIG bag which was a brown paper bag like a grocery size bag. I thought wow that estrogen takes up a lot of room. WRONG! The estrogen was in two tiny vials that could both fit in the palm of one hand. There were 80 syringes filling up the bag. Completely overwhelming. Plus the nurse had given me 4 vials of progesterone (medical supply not something you get an RX for) and I also asked for more subq needles as we only had a few left so she gave me 8 more of those. So I left with 20 Tuberculin needles, 60 intramuscular needles, and 8 subcutaneous needles. 88 needles is just tooooo many. Looking at the stash makes me want to bawl my eyes out! I'll need a lot more if this baby hangs on, but it will be much easier emotionally to torture myself if I know it's not in vain. So Paul gave me my first EV injection. I only need it on Tuesdays and Fridays so I don't expect my hips to be sore until I start the PIO injections. I did bleed afterward though which is unusual for the first one.

I also went to Staples and dropped off the disk for them to produce 15 sets for 15 more profiles for Lifetime. I made a few changes to it this morning based on our profile for Cathy but mostly it's the same one we always use for Lifetime. Then I went to CVS and picked up the photos for the profiles that I had ordered online last week through Kodak gallery's website (cheaper to have them shipped to the store than our home). I'll go back to Staples this evening and pick the copies up (she said they'd be ready around 5pm) and tonight hopefully Paul and I can assemble them so they can be mailed on Thursday to California. It feels like a waste of time and money, but at least we'll have peace of mind knowing we did our part these past 36 months.

RE appointment tomorrow

It's funny because I've had 10 "baseline" appointments over the past four years and have always gotten a "green light." My E2 has always been low enough (in fact VERY low which is good at that time in the cycle), my lining has been thin enough, and I've never had a cyst. For some reason I have been nervous about this one. I have never been nervous before. All I can think of is that it's been hard for me to wait. I don't like having a little frozen baby in a hospital for 3 months. I wanted the transfer to be done yesterday so to speak. So I am just wanting everything to go smoothly so it doesn't need to be delayed for any reason. I know worrying doesn't help one iota, so when I feel myself getting tense I pray to the Lord and keep trying to cast my cares on Him. He's in control. Anyhow tomorrow is my first of three total appointments which will determine if my transfer will be on Nov 2 as scheduled. Tomorrow morning my Lupron dosage drops down to 10 units (been 20 the last 18 days), and if I get the "green light" from my bloodwork and ultrasound then I'll had the EV injection (IM) to my routine (twice a week) starting tomorrow. If I find out I am pg in Nov, then I will continue the EV injections throughout the first trimester. So I am hoping that I'll end up having FAR more than 71 injections as I'll continue having 16 injections a week if I get the BFP. So anyhow please pray for my emotions that I will cast my cares on Him and also that if it be His will that I'll get a good report tomorrow as our little baby needs to come out of the freeze!!!

Answer from IL

Well I emailed the nurse in IL on Thursday, and she wrote back today. I asked her if both the ER and ET had to take place the week of Dec 30 or whether it was okay if the ET was the next week (if the ER was on Jan 4 that would put the transfer the next week). She wrote back and said, "We have no control over when your egg retrieval will happen. It is all based on your hormone levels and when your follicles are ready. All I can tell you is that your retrieval will fall the week of Dec 30th with an embryo transfer 3 to 5 days later." I don't feel she exactly understood my question, but I take her answer to mean that no the transfer doesn't also have to take place that week. So that is good news. Of course the better news will be that we don't lose another baby next month and don't need to do IVF again! And of course we still have the issue of whether I can do the monitoring here in PA, but it seems I should be able to wait until a couple days after Christmas for my first b/w appt whether it's in PA or IL. That is a relief although again the much, much, much bigger relief would be to never do IVF again.

Called the clinic in IL

Well first I looked online to see exactly how far this clinic is from my sister's home. They have two offices, and their main office is closer to Chicago. The name of the clinic is a little deceptive in that "Chicago" is in their name but it's actually closer to Minneapolis. Anyhow it's 46 miles from Wendy's house to their main clinic. This is another reason I'd really rather do the stimming in PA. If I did the stimming in PA then I'd only make two trips to Gurnee from Chicago - the day of the retrieval and the day of the transfer. If we did a 5dt (which is what I would hope would happen as their success rates are much higher for 5dt than 3dt), I'd be in Chicago probably for about 8 days assuming we flew out the day before the retrieval and came back the day after the transfer. Anyhow, the reason I called them was to find out when their "up" and "down" times are as I figure many clinics have a lot of "down" times around the holidays. She said that in December the week of December 2nd and December 30 are their "up" weeks when they are doing procedures. She said the January schedule hadn't been set yet. I asked her if they are doing monitoring around Christmas (in case Dr. Awad says no to us doing the b/w and u/s here), and she said every day except Christmas Day itself.

Well the week of Dec 2 is definitely out given I'm just having the FET on Nov 2nd, and in order for the 5dt to be done before the spring semester starts, I had already figured the latest day for ER would be Jan 8. So I guess the week of Dec 30 is when the ER would need to be. Now if they only have one "up" week at a time I assume there are some transfers that take place the next week as otherwise all the retrievals would have to be done only on Sunday or Monday. So I am assuming that as long as the ER takes place that week that it's fine. I guess I'll have to clarify that. I told her we did one IVF this summer and would soon be doing a FET with one 6 day blastocyst. She said if the FET doesn't work that I need to fill out their questionnaire and send it along with our medical records and prepay $200 to have a 30 minute telelphone consult with the RE. I could start stimming as early as December 10, but that would make the ER prior to Dec 30. If I started stimming on Dec 24 the likely the ER would be Jan 4 and the ET Jan 9. In that scenario my first appt (just b/w) would be Dec 27. I am trying to keep my schedule clear so we can celebrate Christmas with our families. If the ET does need to be done by Jan 5, then the stimming would need to start Dec 19 which would make my b/w and u/s appts on Dec 22, 24, 26, and 28. So I'd need to make sure those dates are okay with Geisinger if they agree to let me do the stimming there. I'd prefer to wait until Dec 24 to start stimming. But there are two big unknowns that need to be resolved first:
#1 - Will our 7th embryo result in a pregnancy? I hope so!!!!! I really would like to avoid traveling to IL for IVF #2.
#2 - Will Dr. Awad agree that I can do the b/w and u/s in Danville (and they would fax the results to IL and the staff in IL would call me with my instructions)? I hope so as if he says no then the cost just went up $1,400 plus I will need to stay in IL a longer time and rent a car.

But at least now I know that logistically it IS possible for me to do IVF#2 in Chicago. Their up/down times are not creating a problem in terms of my goal of having the ET prior to the start of the spring semester.

Misery loves company

Well actually it's more like - it's good to know my experiences are "normal." A woman who started Lupron last week posted this question on an IVF db. "When on Lupron did any experience a "crashing" period of time each day after their injection...like I feel soooooo tired a couple hours after I give myself the injection. I feel like I can't possibly move another muscle or keep my eyes open even though most of the time of course I have to go on with my day, but I am lucky enough to take naps on some days. The nurse told me that fatigue was the most commonly reported side effect but this is like I need to fall asleep or else I will do it just standing up or something? Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this." And another woman posted back a reply to her question. "Lupron made me super tired. I would take my injection at 7am and need a nap by 9 or 10. Luckily, I work from home so I was able to do that on occaision. I also don't think I ever went to bed later than 9:30 pm while on Lupron." Anyhow I am grateful this only lasted 2 days this time. I only wish I hadn't tried to go to church two weeks ago. It would have been much better if I had just stayed home and napped when my body was telling me to sleep NOW rather than tried to go to church and just fell apart. Oh well. If I am ever on Lupron again - I will not push myself to go out and about if I can possibly stay home if I am feeling that crashing fatigue come over me. It's not worth tears, dizziness, a splitting headache, and an asthma attack in the church parking lot just to go to church instead of taking a nap!

One of the few

As I was looking at FET stats again, it hit me that they represent a small percentage of the transfers done. For example, in 2005 at the clinic in Chicago of those 37 and younger using non-donor eggs, 10% of the cycles they did were FETs (257 fresh compared to 30 FET). Their success rates that year (live birth rate for those 37 and younger) were 44% for fresh and 27% for FET. Those same stats at NYU were 43% for fresh and 35% for FET. The FET represented 13% of the transfers done in that age group (97 FET compared to 651 fresh). Finally, at my clinic over a three-year span (2003-2005), 21% of their cycles were FET (36 FET compared to 133 fresh). Their success rates for women 37 and younger were 25% for FET and 27% for fresh. So at my clinic Dr. Awad was correct in saying that the fresh and frozen success rates are about equal; the only difference is that they usually transfer 2-3 embyros on average, and we only have one. But the bottom line is that I am encouraged in two regards: #1 the FET success rate is not much lower than the clinic in IL and #2 it truly is a blessing to have even one frozen embryo. It seems 80-90% of couples don't have that option.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Well one big decision to make is whether to update our home study in January or not. I emailed Cathy about that this week and she said she recommends that we always have a valid one in case there is a last minute situation available, but she doesn't require it. Part of me doesn't want to do another home study unless we have been matched. We have spent $2,600 on home studies (well more than that when you factor in the physicals, clearances, etc. which we pay for in order to accomplish a home study but I mean JUST what we've paid the social workers amounts to $2,600 over the past 3 years). If we update in January (so we'll have a new one in place by Feb 6) we'll owe the s/w another $500. Money well spent if we get matched in 2008 with Mark Miller (lawyer in FL) or Cathy of Adoption Consultants. But I really, really don't want to spend another dime that has nothing to show for it like the last $2,600 spent on the last 2 home studies and 1 home study update. So part of me would rather wait for a match. One idea I had this week is to schedule our physicals for January and do the criminal background and child abuse clearances so that we could do a homestudy really quickly if needed. I'd need to talk to Jess to see if we had all that if she could complete a home study in a matter of a few days if we had a last minute match. Well one thing I know for sure, we won't make this decision until after we find out if I am pg or not next month. If I am pg I am thinking we won't spend the $500 to update. So the harder decision will be if I am not pg what to do.

The other big decision is whether to do another fresh IVF cycle. I am really torn. Of course I want to be pg, and Paul had asked me in June to be willing to do 2 fresh IVF cycles if the first one didn't work. But 130 shots later (after IVF + FET) and about $9K later, I am really not sure about doing another fresh cycle. What really scares me is another egg retrieval. Plus I realize that likely there will be at least two more transfers as likely I'll have at least one frozen embryo again (and probably more). So it's not a question of being willing to do this ONE more time but really two more = probably at least 4 total transfers including the ones done here in PA. Whether the local clinic will let me do the stimming here is a big factor in my decision as if they say "no" then the cost of the fresh cycle just went up $1,400 and the cost of the FET would also rise as well. And I'd have to be out in IL for a longer period of time - at a time when my sister and her family won't be there. I really don't want to spend the holidays alone in IL. Paul doesn't want to make a decision until after we find out about this FET. Of course if I am pg we don't even have to make a decision. But the reason why I am thinking about it now is that if we are going to do a fresh IVF with an early January retrieval, we would have to decide ASAP right after we find out if the FET works as I'd have to start the bcp immediately and the Lupron a couple of weeks later. So I'm going to post a poll to get input from you all on this matter.

Next to last check-in

Well since January 2005 I have been checking in with Veronica (our coordinator at Lifetime) the first week of every month. Next month will be my last. In the beginning I called her every month, but after awhile I switched to emails as the phone calls would just frustrate me. Today Veronica wrote, "Your profile continues to be presented to birth mothers, in particular it went out a couple of times in very small batches. I hope to have good news for you!" Well I'd be thrilled if she had good news for us, but I am not exactly holding my breath! What she means by in "very small batches" is that there were only a few profiles sent to that particular birthmother so the "competition" wasn't as fierce as usual. Well I will probably pass out if they ever call with a situation - but that would be VERY happy news indeed! But I don't expect it. 35 months of unsuccessful attempts to adopt have made me become far more cynical than I was back in Nov 2004 when we started this adoption journey.

I am happy to say I feel 100% normal. I am not experiencing any side effects at the moment from the Lupron. I am very, very grateful! Plus we discovered that if Paul gives me the shot farther way from my belly button it doesn't hurt as much (although I bled quite a bit this morning which is very unusual). Thanks for your prayers!

Feeling back to normal

Well I am thrilled that my adjustment to the Lupron was much faster this second time around. I only have napped two days out of the five that I've been on Lupron. Yeah! And today I haven't even felt weepy or had a headache! Of course I've also not been at work today - maybe that inspired the headache yesterday, LOL. It's really nice though not to be exhausted or to feel like crying. Yesterday I still felt like crying, but I just restrained myself. Today I wasn't even tempted to cry. This represents a return to normalcy! The only side effect I have experienced today is that my skin around the injection site was very red and itchy for a few hours this morning. I just have to say I think I have a weird body as this never happens on the left side of my belly button - only on the right side, LOL! I am developing a collection of red dots on both sides of my belly button as evidence of where the shots have been given, but so far no bruises (I developed bruises from the Lupron this summer particularly on the right side). So far so good.

Encouragement

I can't tell you how much it encourages me when people let me know they are praying for me and our little one that hopefully will be transferred back on Nov 2. I received an email today from a friend from church and part of her email said, "praying for you and little #7." For some reason that really hit me - someone is praying for our little baby! This little tiny baby has no idea how much I am going through physically/emotionally/financially to be ready for the transfer, and it's also mind blowing (to me anyhow) how many people are praying for this tiny little one who is currently in a frozen state. I guess that's one of the upsides of IVF. When others are trying to conceive (the cheap and painless way) they don't know for sure that a life has been created this early in the game, but in our case we knew from day one when this life began. So many have been praying for this little tiny baby for 2 months now (life began August 1). I pray they get to hold this little one they've prayed for in their arms some day!

Still awake!

I am very happy to report that it's 11:21am and I have been awake since 6:15am. I couldn't say that the last two days, LOL. No morning nap for me! I thought I might need to drink caffeine this morning, but I have stayed awake even without such assistance. I did yawn more than usual, but I can handle that. This morning I still felt on the "weepy" side, but I kept telling myself - don't cry, don't cry, don't cry and I didn't. I do have a headache and fever, but I think it's more from my allergies acting up again than the Lupron. At least I am able to function much better than yesterday when I felt like I was in LaLa land. My head feels connected to the rest of my body today! Now if I could just shake the fever. I had gone a little over one week without it before it came back yesterday. Today is my last bcp so we shall see if that changes how I feel at all. Paul gave me my Lupron shot this morning which was very nice. I had given it to myself the last 3 days. It's not that it hurts, but it's just weird to stab my belly. It's easier when he does it.