Loopy on Lupron

Well yesterday I had the familiar Lupron experience of about 1 hour after my shot feeling like I must go to sleep NOW even though I had only been up 2 hours. I felt much better after my 1 hour nap. The only other problem yesterday was I had forgotten to ice my belly before and after the shot so my belly was very itchy yesterday. The bigger problem was this morning. I did remember to ice my belly so it's not itchy today, but I have not felt well At All. I took my shot about 7:15am and by 8:30 when we were leaving for church, I was very ready for a nap. I was in MD as my sister & her kids were in from IL. Well I just felt plain awful during the service. I had taken 2 extra strength Tylenol before leaving for church, but it didn't seem to help much at all. My head was throbbing, I felt dizzy at times, and I felt extremely emotional. I cried several times in the service for no good reason - just my emotions were out of whack plus I felt lousy. I am sure it's just from my hormones being messed with. When the service was over, my brother drove me home as I didn't want to stay for Sunday School. I slept for 1 hr 45 min and felt somewhat better after lunch. I am now back home in PA, and I still feel loopy. I feel like my head is in a fog, disconnected from the rest of my body. I am very nervous about how I will function tomorrow morning as I am teaching from 8-11am. I usually don't drink anything with caffeine, but I might be drinking a cup of coffee tomorrow morning. Thankfully, if this experience mirrors my experience in July, this fog & exhaustion will only last about a week even though I'll be on these shots for 4 more weeks. So if I make it through the next week hopefully the worst will be over until the PIO shots start and I develop a very sore butt.

Med schedule

I thought I'd post it here in case any of you at any point wondered what I was taking.
Sept 28 - Oct 1 - Lupron 20 units + bcp
Oct 2 - 15 - Lupron 20 units
Oct 16 - Lupron 10 units + EV 2mg
Oct 17-18 - Lupron 10 units
Oct 19 - Lupron 10 units + EV 2mg
Oct 20-22 - Lupron 10 units
Oct 23 - Lupron 10 units + EV
Oct 24-25 - Lupron 10 units
Oct 26 - Lupron 10 units + EV
Oct 27 - Lupron 10 units
Oct 28 - PIO 50 mg
Oct 29 - PIO 50 mg
Oct 30 - PIO 100 mg + EV
Oct 31 - Nov 1 - PIO 100 mg
Nov 2 - PIO 100 mg + EV
Nov 3-5 - PIO 100 mg
Nov 6 - PIO 100 mg + EV
Nov 7-8 - PIO 100 mg
Nov 9 - PIO 100 mg + EV
Nov 10-12 - PIO 100 mg
Nov 13- PIO 100 mg + EV

Overwhelmed

Well we had our RE appt today. Poor Paul had gone back to school at 1:45am this morning to work on a project that's due today which has been giving him a lot of trouble the last couple of weeks that he's been working on it. He got home at 9:30pm last night and had dinner and we chatted and then he slept about 2 hours and was back in the lab at 2:30am. He said one of the janitors asked him if he ever sleeps. Well normally he does! So he drove from school to our appointment and I drove from home. Thankfully the RE is located about 1/2 way between home and his school. And now I'm back at home, and he's back at school.

I asked the RE again about the assisted hatching and he said they do perform it on 5dt and 6dt but he didn't recommend it in our case given my age being less than 39 and FSH being low. He said "If God forbid this 2nd transfer doesn't work, then yes we'll do AH the next time." I asked him again about my eggs being "thick" because I know AH is very helpful if you have a thick/tough ZP and I wasn't sure if a thick egg led to a thick ZP. Well it turns out I heard him wrong at our last appointment. He said my eggs were very SOFT. He then used the adjective "mushy." Great. Paul has 3% normal sperm and I have mushy eggs. What a lovely combination. He said he had NO idea what it meant that my eggs were "soft" - he didn't know if that is necessarily bad, but he said the experience of injecting the sperm into the egg wasn't "normal." And he said it could just have been a fluke and other eggs retrieved in the future might not be soft. But on the other hand he did emphasize last time that he didn't really care about the mushy eggs in light of the fact we had 7 embryos and none were poor quality and 3 were the highest quality - something that rarely happens even with younger couples. So anyhow we aren't doing AH. If we ever do IVF again then I definitely want AH, but we'll just go without it this time.

Well me asking for my appt to be today instead of Monday when it was scheduled (I would have had to miss class) means now I get 4 extra Lupron shots. Fun, fun, fun. That's my reward for not missing school - more shots. They want me to start the Lupron tomorrow. If things go the same as last time, it means next week I'll be taking lots of naps. I was very tired and felt like my brain was in a fog during my "menopause." My last bcp will be Monday which means I expect cd1 to be next Saturday which means my "baseline" appointment (that's normally on day 2 or day 3 of your cycle) will be on day 10. So not only is THIS cycle going to be long, but the next cycle is going to be over 40 days as well. I was able though to move my baseline appointments from October 15 to October 16 so I won't miss class for them. Actually they scheduled all my appointments for the whole cycle and we were able to avoid me missing any class which is nice. I had already lined up a substitute for Nov 2 as I thought I'd be on bedrest (as my FET was originally scheduled for Nov 1), but they pushed it to Nov 2 as the new RE - Dr. Murphy will be doing the FETs instead of Dr. Awad. And they scheduled it for the afternoon so Paul and I can both go to our morning classes and then drive to the RE for the FET. I'll stay on bedrest on that Saturday and Sunday.

Realizing I will be having a new RE for part of this cycle (I saw Dr. Awad today), I started to add how many doctors I have seen during this ttc journey. In 2003 I first went to an OB/GYN (Dr. Katz-Weizer) for help and she tried a few different meds on me to lower my free testosterone levels and such. I was so sick to my stomach on what she had me on and still wasn't ovulating so I went to see a second OB/GYN - Dr. Zimmerman. He said I should see an RE so I started seeing the 2 RE's in Allentown for about 7 months (2 rounds of Clomid and one of INJ). Then we moved to Catawissa in 2004 so I switched to this clinic where I've worked with 3 REs so far (Drs. Wittmaack, Awad, and Gell). Dr. W left a year ago and Dr. Murphy just started this month as Dr. W's replacement. I haven't met Dr. M yet. So Dr. Murphy will be my 6th RE and my 8th doctor I have seen in the past 4 1/2 years as a part of our attempts to have a baby.

Okay so the main reason I am feeling overwhelmed right now is the number of shots I need to take for the FET. It's actually MORE injections than with the fresh cycle. With the fresh cycle I had 59 total injections - 25 of Lupron, 21 of FSH, 1 of HCG, and 12 of PIO (which means 13 were IM and 46 were subq) I would have had a few more if I hadn't had my Beta 3 days early. With the FET, I am supposed to have 30 of Lupron, 9 of estradiol valerate, and 32 of PIO (which means 30 subq and 41 IM). It's the 41 IM injections that had me in tears (literally) after the nurse stepped out of the room. I was in so much pain with the fresh IVF from the PIO shots - I had trouble sleeping etc. Well with the FET I have to have TWO of those a day (every 12 hours). The thought is almost unbearable. I can't even imagine how sore my butt is going to be. Some days I will have 3 IM shots a day as the EV is also an IM injection. 3 shots in the butt a day with a big needle???? Well anyhow I'll probably go in 1-2 days early for my Beta again so if I'm not pg I might have about 3-5 less injections than the 71 total listed above. I just can't believe it takes 59 injections for a fresh cycle to produce 26 eggs and now to transfer ONE blastocyst I need to have about 71 injections. Of course if I am pregnant I will be very happy to continue them, but it's just overwhelming to think of all I am about to put myself through for at best a 25% chance of success. But maybe this is our miracle baby... So I guess my sister is going to be giving me more injections in Chicago than I thought she would need to give me.

The best thing about the ET being pushed back one day, is it means the afternoon I plan to test (11/11) will be 9dp6dt. Most RE's test at 9 or 10 days past a 5 or 6 day transfer. I am sure mine doesn't, but my plan is to test on 11/11 and try to get a Beta on 11/12 although that's a little trickier since I teach Monday mornings. I am guessing they'll schedule my Beta for either 11/13 or 11/14. We shall see. Of course this is all contingent upon everything going well between now and then. My E2 levels need to rise and my lining needs to be nice and thick. Normally that's not a problem, but normally I have follicles growing which I won't this time. Presuming my E2 is okay and my lining is thick enough then the next prayer will be that the embryo survives the thawing process and then that it implants into my uterus.

Anyhow right now I just ask for prayer for my emotions. I just am very overwhelmed as I think of how much my butt is going to hurt in a few weeks.

Assisted Hatching

I really am still struggling with the RE's decision not to do AH on our one frozen embyros. Many, many clinics due AH on frozen blastocysts. Dr. A said the risk of damaging it was too high, but that if we did another fresh cycle we could try AH then. One reason I am nervous about not doing AH is he said that when they did the ICSI they found my eggs were thicker than normal which led to some difficulty when injecting them to try to fertilize them. Eggs get thicker as women get older, so this is part of the difficulty with ttc at age 35. I don't know if a thick outer layer of the egg means our embryos had a thick zona pellucida? However if they are worried about damaging the embryo, I guess it means their skill at performing AH must be not as good as other clinics (like the Chicago one for example). So I guess we'll just have to skip the AH.

Probably not

Paul didn't think we should apply to be presented to "Kate." The info said that Kate has four children already - three girls who are living with their father and an 18 month old boy who is living with her (she is living with her parents). It said that she and her parents are working to stabilize their finances so she can regain custody of the three girls. Paul's concern is that if she is trying to regain custody of three of her children, what are the chances she'll really follow through and place her fifth child with an adoptive family. He is concerned that we'll pay $750 a month and she'll change her mind around the time of the baby's birth in which case we'll be out thousands of dollars (legal fees + the living expenses we paid her). He thinks it's too big of a financial gamble. I do agree with him mostly. The part that makes me hesitate is that this could likely be true of a match Cathy would get us also. Anytime you are paying birthmother expenses you are taking a risk. It's why with Mark I have only applied in the past to situations where either there weren't many birthmother expenses OR she was due in the very near future. But we may very well have to take such a risk at some point if we are matched with a birthmother who isn't due for several months and requires financial assistance. Some ask for a lot more than $750 a month. Of course Cathy knows the maximum we can afford to spend so she won't match us with a birthmother who requires say $10K in financial assistance. So anyhow probably we won't apply for "Kate's" situation. I imagine Kate will have LOTS of families apply so that's probably another reason not to apply. It likely would just be a waste of another $100 which seems small compared to the $2,250 I paid yesterday for the FET, but it all adds up (and we'll likely get $700 back eventually from the FET if that's any consolation).

Paid for the FET

Well I needed to prepay the $2,250 for the FET prior to our appointment Thursday morning, so I called this afternoon to pay by credit card. I used a card that has a 2% rebate so that will be $45 in gift cards for us for either Applebee's or Bennigan's (our usual choices anyhow). Soon I'll be resuming the daily Lupron shots. I am ready to go. In some ways I've been in a 2ww since August 1 as that's when this little life began = a 2ww that will be longer than 3 months!

Today was the first day of the fall ladies Bible study at my church. We're studying the book of Ruth. When I introduced myself in the small group time, I teased that no one should forget my name in this study, LOL! Ladies Bible study is always a bit bitter sweet for me. Most women who go to a day time Bible study are moms. I am one of the few who has a FT job but is able to come to Bible study at 9am on Tuesday mornings. So sometimes comments are made that make me want to say OUCH. And that has happened at every church's ladies Bible study I've been to the past several years so I am not picking on mine! For example many times a small group leader will refer to everyone in the room as moms. We mothers.... I would prefer they'd use the term "ladies" as we are all ladies but not all moms. Cheri is going with me to this study as she's 50 years old and also not a mom although she tried both to conceive and adopt. She only had one ectopic pregnancy. Well anyhow after the video part we break into small groups, and when I sat down in my room I heard a woman (I've never met before) who was obviously VERY pg complaining about being pg. She said something like the only thing she's enjoyed this whole pgcy was in the 2nd tri she enjoyed feeling the baby move. I got up and walked out of the room. It's one thing for me to see her big pg belly (and she's been married less than one year so obviously had no troubles ttc) but then to hear her complain? That was too much for me. I am sure there are uncomfortable things about being pg. But what a gift!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She has a little baby girl growing inside her. And she didn't have to endure hundreds of shots and pay thousands of dollars for this gift either!!! But then I have to say on the flipside, another woman who was not in my small group today but was in my small group this summer, asked to talk to me privately. She wanted to let me know herself that she is pg. I can't begin to tell you how much compassion I saw in her eyes. I actually thought she might start crying. She had that much sympathy for me as to how I might take her news. I told her as long as she didn't complain to me about being pg, I'd be okay. I kept assuring her this is happy news. Some people DO get it. Some people understand what it's like to be trying for 5 years to be pg and see others getting pg all the time. Of course I need to say this lady who was complaining didn't know me At All or know what I've been through. Maybe she wouldn't have said what she said had she known.

So anyhow I feel a little emotional this afternoon. To be honest, there was another time I dropped out of ladies Bible study part way through a study (at another church) because the mom type comments just got to me so much I didn't want to go any more. I am not expecting that to happen this time, but I wish going to ladies Bible study wasn't a bit of a painful experience emotionally. I don't think I'd be welcome at the men's Bible study though, LOL! Somehow I doubt they constantly refer to themselves as all being fathers ...but I could be wrong. That's just a guess on my part.

One thing I did tell myself though is that this is a good reminder of why I should never complain. I remember when I was single being frustrated when married women would complain about their husbands. Or how frustrated I get now when women say to me - be glad you don't have kids and then they tell me what they think the perks would be of being childless. Totally inappropriate comment to make in my opinion. But how many times do I complain about something that someone else would be thrilled to have? For example maybe I complain about my job and there are many unemployed people. So that is the lesson I am trying to learn from my experience today - another reminder of why I should have a grateful attitude and not complain.

Lastly, I have still been trying to figure out why I feel so upset lately about the ttc/tta stuff. Another thought hit me. So many compare stages of adoption to stages of pregnancy. Everyone says once you start your home study or sign a contract with an agency that's like getting a + on a pregnancy test. Well in that case I've been pg for 35 months now as we started our first home study in November 2004. On March 3 I had posted a synopsis someone had done of comparing the stages of a Ukrainian adoption to pregnancy. According to that timeline (which someone else wrote) we were in our third trimester after sending our dossier to Ukraine in April. So I guess if the analogy were to be continued in our situation (an unsuccessful attempt) it's like we had a pregnancy loss. For several months I had been praying for "our children" that I falsely assumed were in an orphanage in Ukraine. Well anyhow I am just saying that I think the failed attempts to adopt coupled with losing 6 embryos in August is a lot to go through in one summer. I think I am still in the grieving process in some regards.

But God is in control. That's one of the main messages of the book of Ruth. Life sure didn't make sense to Ruth & Naomi at different stages in their lives, but God did have a plan for them, and He has a plan for Paul & I. And no, if I do ever have a child, I'm not going to name him Obed, LOL.

I thank you for praying for my weekend in VA. It went much better than expected and even included a dinner with my parents (who came down to my hotel to pick me up) which was a nice treat. And I am also feeling better. I am not 100%, but my temperature doesn't go up as often or as high and same goes for my headache. I am hoping we will get a good hard frost soon and that should "cure" my allergies. But since the temps are in the 80's right now I doubt a frost will be happening any time soon! At least when Paul's not home I can leave the windows shut and that definitely helps.

Feeling better physically

I should have asked people to pray for me sooner than I did!!! Yesterday afternoon/evening I was fever free for many more hours than I had been in 2 weeks, and that has continued today. The headache has returned a few times throughout the day, but even if I wasn't feeling well just driving for over 5 hours would have that effect on me especially since the last 4 miles of the trip took almost 90 minutes (literally!). So I am greatly relieved that I feel like I am getting close to feeling back to normal. I am very thankful as it was getting very tiresome to always feel like my face was on fire; it really was zapping my energy.

Secondly, I have to say I am feeling greatly relieved about the amount of work needed to be completed this weekend. Yes, I am up at 10:10pm which is VERY rare for me. I sometimes go to bed as early as 9pm and am almost always in bed sometime between 9:30-10:00. And I'm still up because I'm working on accreditation reports. But the good news is that there are seven people doing 17 reports. 13 of these need to be reviewed by 2 people, and 4 have already been reviewed once so only one person has to review them this weekend. I had been assigned to do 3 lead reviews and then be a second reviewer on one report. When Ron realized I had been assigned 3 of the 10 longest reports to do, he took over one of mine as he hadn't been assigned any yet (he's in charge - the other 6 of us had each been assigned certain ones to do). So that means just two lead reports and one second report. I think I'll be done by late tomorrow afternoon. BIG sigh of relief!!

I have to say though I am still struggling emotionally. I am not 100% sure why it is all hitting me so hard lately. I just feel extremely discouraged. I just wonder how long I can keep going through all these adoption and ttc efforts without seeing any success. In some senses it is good we are no longer putting all our "eggs" in one basket (Lifetime), but on the other hand I think it is leading to an increased level of discouragement on my part. It's hard enough to have one thing seem to be "failing," but so far in 2007 we've gone 9 months without any progress with Lifetime, 3 months without any progress with Cathy, lost 6 babies to IVF, and had a failed attempt at adopting 2-3 children from Ukraine due to our dossier expiring before being submitted to the SDA.

I think part of the emotional trauma has come from all that we have expended in these efforts. We paid about $10K for adoption in 2004, but in 2005 & 2006 our expenses were rather minimal. So we didn't lose very much money. This year has been the complete opposite. We've spent more in 2007 towards trying to become parents than 2002-2006 combined between Ukraine adoption, Cathy for domestic, and IVF. I am a penny pincher and to have spent about $20K this year on adoption and ttc and have nothing to show for it is really, really depressing and overwhelming. Plus it's the year by far that the most has been invested physically. Although I only did one medicated cycle so far (#2 starting soon), this was a FAR, FAR more intense physical investment. I have to admit the thought of going through another egg retrieval almost brings me to tears as I remember vividly throwing up and passing out for 6 hours after the surgery was over plus of course the excruiating, painful surgery. Can I really put myself through this again??? As a frame of reference in 2003 we did 2 medicated cycles (1 Tamoxifen, 1 Clomid), in 2004 we did 4 medicated cycles (1 Clomid & 3 inj of which one was with iui), in 2005 we did 3 inj/iui cycles, and in 2006 we did 1 inj/iui cycle. I want to be a mother so badly I doubt I'll ever give up trying to adopt, but truly sometimes I wonder how long I can keep persevering. As I said before, I don't even know if I can put myself through another home study in January. I feel like asking if there is an epidural or anesthesia that can be used for a home study? I'd truly like to be unconscious and wake up when it's over if I truly have to go through that AGAIN for the fourth time for child #1. But maybe we'll get our miracle in November. I don't have high hopes for the FET, but I'd love to be wrong!!!!!!! Well it's time for bed for me as we have a mtg at 8:30 tomorrow morning and prior to that I want to work out in the gym and eat breakfast.

February 6

This morning the thought hit me for the first time. What if a baby isn't placed in our arms prior to February 6? I have to admit it was a feeling of sheer panic for me. The reason is that is when our current home study (our 3rd one) will expire. It was very frustrating for me to do the first home study (started Nov 2004 and completed several months later). There are certain things I think are private. I already had to give up a lot of privacy when we started seeing RE's as nurse's began calling me on the phone telling me when we should "try" and when we should not "try." It actually seemed surreal the first time it happened. I remember hanging up on the phone thinking - I cannot believe some "stranger" just called and gave me instructions about something that is usually an area 100% up to the couple and not something that is anyone else's business let alone something someone else gives you instructions about. Even the appointments used to stress me out when it wasn't a woman doing the ultrasound. I got over that a long time ago. If someone calls me and gives me those types of instructions I don't even bat an eye any more. It doesn't surprise or ruffle me, and I have had so many ultrasounds I can honestly say they don't bother me one iota no matter who is doing them. So in the ttc side of things I have completely adjusted to an abandonment of privacy. It actually seems normal to me now as weird as that may sound. Maybe that's because I've been seeing REs for over 4 years now I guess.

However when it comes to home studies - I haven't gotten there yet. They really upset me. First of all I get very annoyed that adoptive parents have to jump through SOOOOO many hoops when biological parents don't have to jump through any. I feel like a second class citizen who is being subjected to scrutiny - having to prove I will be a good parent which an 18 year old unmarried girl who is pregnant doesn't have to do. And again I think some things are private. It really, really annoys me that we have to divulge everything - exactly how much money we have, retirement plans, how much we spend in each category of a budget, etc. It's just not anyone else's business in my opinion! Both of our social workers have been really nice people, but I admit it was harder this year as our current social worker is really young. As in she graduated from the university where I teach in a year when I was already a college professor. So it feels weird to think someone who could have been my undergrad student a few years ago has the authority to say if I am qualified to be a parent.

The first home study was annoying, but I was so hopeful it would result in us adopting sometime in 2005. The update in 2006 wasn't as difficult, and again my hopes were still VERY high that Lifetime would come through for us that year since they hadn't in 2005. This year the reason it was bearable was I truly thought we'd adopt from Ukraine sometime in 2007. And had we updated our dossier this summer that most likely would have been true. But we didn't. When we did this most recent home study, I remember saying this was the LAST one I would be willing to do for a domestic adoption unless it was for child #2. Yet if I am not pg and Cathy hasn't gotten a match for us yet, we may very well have to do another update in January 2008. I can't tell you how revolting of a thought that is to me. I just want to RUN RUN RUN in the opposite diretion and say NO I just can't do it again!!! So I guess that's a new prayer request. I am praying that we will be matched with a birthmother by early January and the baby will be born before February 6, especially if I am not going to be getting pg in the next few months (either from the FET or fresh ivf #2 if we do that).

If I may add one unrelated prayer request, I have had a fever for 14 days now. Most days it's just a low grade fever & headache. If I take an antihistamine every couple of days I can keep my nose from running nonstop and stop sneezing so much, but the fever usually remains. Some days it gets higher than others. Yesterday morning it was so high when I was teaching I was getting dizzy. I had this same thing happen to me last fall. It seems to be a new way of my body responding to allergies. I am used to a runny nose and sneezing, but I am not used to this fever that lasts for weeks. Paul is trying to help by not opening the windows as much, and that definitely does help. I am just really, really tired of the fever & headache though! Especially as I am traveling to VA tomorrow after teaching to do accreditation program reviews from 5pm Friday to 2pm Sunday. I think maybe they'll schedule in some time for sleeping in there. I am only slightly kidding. Really we have an insane amount of work to accomplish this weekend. So I really, really want my fever to go away as it's going to be an exhausting weekend and then Mondays are always one of my 12+ hour work days so I will have to hit the ground running when I return (plus I will be driving at least 7 hours this weekend also if we don't hit ANY traffic which is unlikely given we'll be so close to DC). I picked up pizza this afternoon so at least Paul is covered in terms of meals while I am gone, LOL.

Shopping

Well his morning I was looking through a few catalogs that had come in the mail lately. I very, very rarely ever go shopping for clothes at the mall. My shopping is usually online. I get the catalogs in the mail and then look online for coupons for a % off plus free shipping and then I order. During the summer I didn't buy any new clothes as I kept telling myself that I should save the clothing budget in case the IVF worked and I needed to buy maternity clothes. So as soon as I got the BFN I ordered a couple of new outfits in August. Well today I was back to the to buy or not to buy debate in my mind. If I am going to find out on Nov 11 I am pg then I don't really want to be buying non-maternity clothes right now.

It's just so hard. I have somewhat learned not to put my life on hold. The first year we were trying to adopt I almost didn't plan a vacation due to what if we adopt. And actually we really wanted to take a cruise that summer (2005) but didn't because infants aren't allowed on a cruise ship. I am glad we did go on vacation that year, but if I had to do it over again we would have gone on a cruise (neither of us have ever been on one). Another example would be my office hours. Until this semester I maintained goofy office hours which were inconvenient for me to make sure that at all times either Paul or I could be at home should we adopt all of a sudden. But on the other hand I want to be responsible and so it's hard to know - should I buy myself a new blouse or not? I ended up ordering a few things in light of not doing so for a few months in the summer and then finding out I wasn't going to need maternity clothes. Although I really, really, really want this last embryo to STICK, I guess in my gut I just assume it won't as I know the frozen transfer success rates are lower than for fresh, and the fresh didn't work.

I wish the FET could have been in about 1 month which is when my body would have been ready for it. I don't like being in this bcp holding pattern, but there's nothing I can do about it. Based on their schedules they don't want me to have the FET until Nov 1. So a long stretch of bcp it is. In a couple of days I'll be moving on to the 2nd pack of bcp. I am taking only active pills. It feels weird to have a child that is frozen, and I guess it feels in some ways like a really long 2ww. This little life was conceived on August 1, and I still don't know what the end result will be - bfp or bfn. Well I'll know in less than 2 months.

I also wish I knew if Dr. A was going to agree to let me do the stimming here in PA if the FET doesn't work. It's going to make it a harder decision as far as doing fresh #2 if the cost goes up $1,400 plus I have to spend about 2 more weeks in IL. If my sister and her family was there it would be one thing (although still a long time to spend away from home), but they'll be in MD/VA with family so I'd be out there by myself for the holidays (or maybe just Paul and I). So if Dr. Awad says no it might make me decide to wait until next summer to do fresh #2 but then the cost goes up EVEN more as we lose the big tax deduction we'll get if we pay in 2007. So as you can see it will be a tough call. I hope #1 the FET works and I don't need to think about ivf #2, but if the FET doesn't work I surely hope Dr. A agrees to let me do the b/w and u/s here in PA (they will be paid for it of course!).

Some people DO get it

Well sometimes I express frustration at the "annoying" comments some make even though they mean well. Well today I ran into a woman at church whom I hadn't seen since July as she goes to the 8:00 service, and I almost always go to the 10:45 one. We had seen each other more regularly during the summer at ladies Bible study. Although she has no personal experience with infertility, her niece is in the middle of going through these struggles. Her niece goes to the same RE that I do and has lately been doing inj/iui all without success. So Anna is keenly aware of the emotional trauma of infertility and also of how the injections can wreak havoc on one's emotions, etc. Well anyhow someone had told Anna that we had transferred 3 embryos this summer and lost those 3 babies. She gave me a hug and told me how sorry she was and she said something about how some day I will get to hold these babies in my arms in heaven. Wow. Someone who truly recognizes these were babies we lost. She knew about the ectopic 2 years ago so she said - you have 4 babies in heaven. I said, actually it's 7. She didn't know that we had 7 babies in August and lost 3 in the lab. She just hugged me again and said she's praying that soon I'll have a baby here on earth to hold in my arms and that I won't have to wait until I'm in heaven to experience that. I told her about the upcoming FET, and she assured me she'll be praying in November for that baby to live. I just can't say how much it means to me when someone acknowledges that these were babies we lost. Most seem to want to think that since I wasn't officially pregnant that it's just a disappointment not a loss.

The thing that rubs me the wrong way the most is when someone refers to the embyros as eggs. GRRR! I try to very calmly with a pleasant voice and expression explain the difference between an egg and embryo. An egg is not a life!!! I know most people just assume if you weren't pg then there wasn't a life involved, and I think for Paul and I that is true with the exception of IVF and the one ectopic in 2005 from inj/iui. A woman on the IVF discussion board recently had the same amount of eggs as me (26) and same amount mature (18) but she ended up with 17 embryos. Given even when ICSI was used we had such a low fertilization rate, I am highly dubious that aside from a miraculous intervention from the Lord that there would ever be an embryo inside me aside from IVF/ICSI. For now, I am just praying very frequently for our one frozen baby. I have to admit I find it a little hard to handle emotionally that our child is frozen at the moment. But I am praying it will be the Lord's will for this last embyro to be our little miracle baby.

On an unrelated note, I have thought a lot about "Ashley" lately since her EDD was 9-20. Probably she already had the baby as that's one common side effect of smoking, drinking, drugs, etc (having the baby early). I had a little concern that maybe not many families would apply, but I don't think that was an issue as several times over the last year we've gotten a follow up email from Mark if #1 not enough families applied (he extends the deadline and pleads for more to apply as the pool is "too small") or #2 if the birthmother wasn't happy with her selection (like happened to us last November when none of the families who applied were from FL and she really wanted a FL family). So I assume that enough families applied and she liked at least one of the families who applied as I didn't get any further emails about "Ashley" from Mark.

In addition to praying for the FET to work, I am also praying we'll get a match with a birthmother either through Cathy (whom we've been contracted with for 3 months) or Lifetime (whom we've been contracted with for 33 months).

Finally got our refund

Well of the $8,200 we paid for IVF in June, we got $1,098 back this week. I had been checking my credit card daily online and was planning to call the hospital today as I wanted the credit to go through before we paid the $2,250 for the FET. The hospital put the credit through on Tuesday (9/11), and it finally showed up online today. I felt like they were holding my $$ hostage as the last part of the IVF process was freezing the embryo on August 7. So I think including meds we paid about $7, 250 for the IVF. Of course had it worked I would gladly have paid far more than that, but it's a bitter pill to swallow to pay that much and have nothing to show for it thus far. We do have that one frozen blastocyst though so who knows. Maybe in the end we'll pay about $8,800 for the fresh IVF + FET and hopefully have one precious baby to show for it.

Appointments for FET

Well they've probably been set since 8/31, but I didn't think to check online until today. Everything is online - I can graph my blood pressure, weight, hcg levels over the last 2 years, etc. Anyhow my appts were for 8:00 am on October 1 with the nurse (she'll give me my bottles of Lupron then), October 15 at 8:00 am for b/w and u/s, and arrive at 12:00 pm on November 1 for a 1:00 transfer. November 1 is a Thursday which is usually a day I don't teach, but I will need a substitute for November 2 anyhow since I am supposed to be on bedrest for 24 hours (I teach on Fridays from 8:00-10:50am). The problem is that my appointments on October 1 and October 15 are during my class time. I don't teach Tu/Th mornings, but naturally my appointments are on Mondays. This is why I know doing IVF during a school year would be so difficult (although actually next semester I am not teaching in the mornings). So I just called and asked if at least my Oct 1 appointment could be pushed back since it's just an appointment with the nurse (no b/w or u/s). Thankfully they agreed to push it back to 11:30 which I can do if I go right after my class is over at 10:50 (then I'll come back on campus as I have office hours in the afternoon and teach again from 5:00-8:00pm on Mondays and Wednesdays). I am not sure if my appt on October 15 can be moved. I will ask when I am there on October 1; I am guessing they can't push it back time wise, but I plan to ask if it could be on October 16 instead. There will be one more appointment in there - probably October 29. However I figure the "worst case scenario" is that I'll miss my 8:00 class 3 times and my 9:00 and 10:00 classes 1 time. I have already rearranged my schedule so that I am giving an exam on Nov 2 so my Graduate Assistant can just proctor the exams on that day to the 3 classes which is no big deal. And maybe just maybe I can get my other appts to be in the afternoon OR on Tuesday instead. We shall see, but at least I got my first appointment pushed back.

I have to say I have not been feeling well emotionally or physically the last couple of days. I think it's a combination of factors including working really long hours (getting home at 8pm or later every night the last 3 nights from work), being on the bcp (it really goofs me up hormonally & emotionally - I remember this happening most recently in June when I was on bcp in prep for ivf), and a flood of pgcy/adoption news in the last 3 weeks (since finding out the ivf didn't work). As I have mentioned, a nursing prof on my hall is pg. On August 27 a woman in handbells announced her pgcy. She got married 2 years ago and wanted to start ttc fairly soon (she's in her late 20's) but her dh wanted them to be married 2 years before they started ttc. I had a conversation with her in the spring in which she was saying how frustrated she was with wanting to start ttc but her dh insisting she stay on the pill. I could relate as I wanted to start ttc sooner than we did (I'm very glad Paul didn't insist we wait 2 years although of course we were older than they are). Well anyhow obviously getting pg was very easy for them. Of course I am happy for them; I wouldn't want anyone to go through what we have of ttc over 5 years and still no children (except the ones in Heaven plus the one soon to be transferred). And as one more example, this morning I got an email from a friend I met on an adoption discussion board. She adopted a little girl from China a year or two ago (her daughter is now 3 years old); well the end of August one of her friends whose teenage daughter was pg with twin boys asked if they wanted to adopt the twins. Yesterday the twin boys were born so their daughter now has two younger brothers. Again this is VERY happy news, but it sort of blows me away that for some people an adoption seemingly falls in their laps. Most people have to invest a fair amount of time, money, and energy into trying to adopt. That's the norm; this experience Mel is having of a super quick, simple, inexpensive adoption is very rare. On the other hand our experience is not the norm either, although I do know other families for whom their adoption journey was 2-3 years or longer. We aren't the only ones. Well hopefully our story will have a happy ending in 2008. Of course I've said that every year for five years now...

While I was typing the RE receptionist called me back twice. First she called to say that Paul and I need to sign consents on Oct 1 with the RE so 11:30 won't work (when were they going to tell us that Paul also needed to be there???). So we scheduled it for 8:30 on October 2 instead which is fine as I don't teach on Tuesday morning and Paul doesn't have class then either. Then she called back again to say that the RE is in surgery that day so that won't work. So we rescheduled it again for September 27 at 9:00 for Paul and I which again is fine as it's a Thursday. Whew that became a complicated task! I am glad though that neither Paul nor I need to miss class just to sign a piece of paper and be handed a vial or two of Lupron. This means I need to pay the $2,250 by September 26. For most people their first FET appt does involve b/w (to check P4 levels to make sure ovulation has occured). However since I am on bcp no b/w is needed which also means it doesn't really matter what day the appt is (as normally it's supposed to be on cd21).

Bill came already

I saw an envelope in the mail yesterday from the hospital, and I incorrectly assumed it was about our refund from the IVF. Nope it was a bill for $2,250 for the IVF. Unbelievable. I just can't believe that although they have had our $8,200 since June and the IVF was totally done on August 7 (day our blast was frozen), they still have NOT processed our refund yet (of I figure $1K) yet they have already sent us a bill for the FET which won't start for about another month. Well I am hoping we get our $1K back before I have to pay this $2,250. I plan to wait until the last minute (right around Oct 1) to pay it.

Refund

I keep checking online to see if our refund has come through yet from the hospital, but it hasn't yet. I hope I am right that we will get $1K back of the $8,200 we paid in June. The last thing we were charged for was freezing the embyro (August 7) so it's been almost a month. Hopefully it will come through before we pay for our FET (we need to pay $2,250 by Oct. 1). I expect we'll get $700 back from that - maybe in December. Originally I thought we'd get $2,150 back of the $8,200 we paid in June, but we hadn't prepaid for ICSI ($550) or freezing the embryo ($600) so that's why I think we'll only get $1K back, but $1K is better than nothing!!! Hope everyone is having a wonderful Labor Day weekend! Paul had class today, but I have the day off. The weather has been absolutely gorgeous the last few days. I would love for it to stay like this for weeks or months (wishful thinking, LOL).

Took first pill

It cracks me up how often RE's suggest using the bcp as a part of a fertility regimine. Really is rather ironic!!! I'll be taking active pills for a little over a month (there are 21 active pills in a pack so I'll be using part of a 2nd pack). If we get a BFN in November, I already am planning to start the bcp right away on cd1 as I know that will be the only way we can make sure we can do a 2nd fresh in Dec/Jan.

There is one debate I will NOT have this time. There won't be a "when should I hpt" poll this time. Most RE's do the Beta 9 days after a 5dt or 6dt (and some do it at 10dp5dt). Now since mine does them later than "usual" for a 3dt I am guessing the same will hold true. Maybe their norm is to do it 12 days after a 6dt? They let me do mine 11dp3dt this last time, and the nurse said she knew that if I was pg I would get a + Beta at 11dp3dt. So they know you don't really have to wait that long (so I don't understand why their default is to make people wait as if you aren't pg it just means a few more unecessary PIO shots). Anyhow if I have the FET on Nov 1 then I will do my first hpt in the afternoon on Nov 11 (10dp6dt), and the same goes if I have my FET on Nov 2 (then it will be 9dp6dt). That's a Sunday so I won't have a Beta that day. No matter what results I get (+ or -) I am going to call Monday morning and ask my Beta to be that day (either 10 or 11dp5dt). I am sure they will agree as that will be later than I waited this last time, and in fact that day *might* be the day they even schedule it from the start. That might not be "early." If it weren't for the fact I'll be in Chicago that week, I think I would have done my first hpt at 8dp6dt. But I will be in Chicago at a conference (and also enjoying visiting with my sister and her family) from Tuesday night to Sunday morning. I don't want to do my hpt in Chicago with Paul in PA. So I will not pack any hpts with me, and I can tell you right now my first hpt will be Sunday afternoon or evening once I am home with my hubby. I know they say to use "FMU" but even when I got my BFP in 2005 I didn't do it with FMU and I got a bfp with an hcg of only 11. So that's the plan. There is no need for a poll this time! I won't be tempted to do it earlier (well I will by dying of curiosity but again I want to be near Paul when I test). I personally am hoping my FET will be Nov 2 in that sense as it will be easier to "wait" if I know I'm testing at 9d6dt which is the most popular day for REs to do a Beta after a 5 or 6dt. But on the other hand it will be better if my FET is Nov 1 as Paul can be with me. He has class on Nov 2 (as do I but obviously I'll be getting a substitute). So if it ends up being Nov 2 then I'll ask a friend to come with me instead. We'll know very far in advance which day it will be as it has nothing to do with my body and everything to do with the doctor's schedules and what they prefer.

My main prayer request at the moment (aside from always hoping and praying that Cathy will get us an adoption match soon) is that this embryo will survive the thaw. Of course it will be devastating to do the FET and get another BFN, but I think it will be even worse if I am taking injections for a month and then the embryo doesn't survive the thaw and can't even be transferred. The RE wasn't worried about this at all (said that greater than 90% of the time the blasts survive), but it's something really on my heart and mind. The embryo is only thawed a little before transfer so we won't know until Nov 1 or 2 if this little one can be placed inside me, but this is something I am starting to pray about even now on Sept 1.

On the adoption front, someone who had FedExed their dossier to Valentina in May got it submitted on Aug 20! I thought Kathy & Matt (who FedExed hers to Valentina the same day we did in April) would be next, but I am very happy for Steve & Melissa. Both Steve and Kathy had continued to send Valentina updated docs as theirs expired (which we didn't do). Steve & Melissa are hoping to adopt 3 children in Ukraine (they have 3 biological daughters) and they should arrive in UA in late Nov and come back to the US in January if their dossier is accepted (which is very likely to happen). So I guess if we had redone our dossier and FedExed it to Valentina in July or early August that we might have traveled to UA around Thanksgiving time. Although Kathy's hasn't been submitted yet so who knows ours might not have been submitted quite yet. I hope Kathy's is submitted this month which would mean they'd travel over in December. Well Paul was really adamant about not redoing our dossier (which would have cost $2K) so instead in June we decided to sign up with Cathy and pursue IVF. I just need to trust that we made the right decisions as part of me right now wonders if we should have updated our dossier as if we were going to go to Ukraine then Dec/Jan would have been the best time in light of our school's schedule. But maybe I'll get a BFP in November. That would be amazing! My first preference has always been to give birth if possible. Well anyhow I just have to trust we made the right decision and see what happens with Cathy and IVF.