Due Date

Although there were many, many times when I calculated what my due date *would* be if a particular fertility treatment was successful (ex. injectibles with IUI), there were six times when I actually had a due date. Pregnancies #1, 2, and 6 ended in a miscarriage, and the other three times I gave birth four to nine weeks before the due date. I was very aware of my first due date (February 2006). The second one (April 2008) I did not think about as much once I found out that Nadia was due in July 2008. I have been very aware of my last due date. Most people don't know about a baby's existence until they find out they are pregnant. With IVF you learn about the embryos the day after fertilization. Ian and Oliver were transferred five days after conception. Nadia was frozen for three months before she was transferred to my womb. Our fifth embryo transfer was unique because that embryo was frozen for twenty months before the transfer. All throughout Oliver's pregnancy and through the first year of his life, I was very aware of the little one I hoped would result in my fourth c-section. Since that miscarriage, I have thought many times over the past months of where I would have been in the pregnancy. Although today was my due date, I assume I probably would have given birth in April, given my past history (although I would have loved to avoid the NICU if I had a fourth baby). I wish that little one was in my arms right now, but she (Nadia always refers to that baby as her sister) is with Jesus instead. I will meet (him or) her some day along with the others who went to Heaven before I could meet them.

I would have loved to have had four children, but that was not God's will for me. When I find myself feeling sadness at something like the sight of a pregnant belly, I try to focus on my blessings. I don't want my longing for another child to take away any joy in my life. I am extremely grateful to be a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom of Nadia, Ian, and Oliver - my three miracles from the Lord. This little one may not have spent long within my womb, but I prayed for that little one for over twenty months and have not forgotten him or her over the past months since the miscarriage. I wish that our trying to conceive journey wasn't ending on a sad note, but I am eternally grateful that the third, fourth, and fifth pregnancies had very happy endings!

Rough days

Yesterday was a trying day emotionally. First, Oliver is teething again. His third and fourth teeth broke through the surface of the gum yesterday. They are on the top but aren't the center ones; he's following his brother's pattern. Thankfully he was fine in the morning while he was in the nursery when I was at ladies Bible study. After he got up from his afternoon nap I got him some milk and put him in the stroller so we could all take a walk. We had to turn around and come back because he was crying his little head off and would only stop crying if I held him, and I can't hold a 20 lb baby and push a double stroller at the same time for very long. I gave him some Tylenol. He definitely liked the taste of that stuff. He's generally a very content baby as long as his belly is full, but he was fussing and crying from about 2:30 until I put him down at 8:00pm.

Secondly, Paul laid down the law on Sunday and said that Ian needs to feed himself. Unless we were having a food he really liked (such as pizza), I have been alternating bites with him at dinner each night. On Sunday he had the choice of ham and scalloped potatoes or ravioli. He picked the potatoes but didn't eat any of it at dinner that night or at breakfast the next morning. It wasn't until lunch on Monday that he was finally motivated to eat when he saw that I was having a brownie after my sandwich. Monday night I gave him a choice of ravioli or tuna noodle casserole. He picked the tuna noodle, and he didn't eat any of it that night or at breakfast yesterday morning. He did eat some goldfish in the nursery on Tuesday morning. He didn't eat anything for lunch, and he only ate a few of the carrots at dinner. About 15 minutes before bedtime, he came crying to me saying he wanted to eat his dinner. Finally. It took him 27 hours to eat that plate of food. That's the longest it's ever taken either of our children to eat. After he ate it, he told me that he likes tuna noodle. The problem is that he's being really stubborn about wanting me to feed him. Fighting this battle is not fun at all, but if he's eating independently by the time he turns four, it will be worth it. He hasn't been allowed to watch any tv, use the iPad, have anything to drink except water, etc the past three days. Not fun.

Those two frustrations paled in comparison to the knowledge that I am going through another miscarriage. The hpts were faint ++ on Sunday morning and Sunday night. The hpt was a darker + on Monday morning. I didn't test on Monday night, but on Tuesday morning it was back to negative. I tested then because I didn't want to be wondering all day while waiting for the blood work results. I contemplated skipping the Beta because I knew this wasn't going to be a viable pregnancy, but I went anyhow. There wasn't much of a wait, which was really nice. The phlebotomist did a horrible job. It was excruciatingly painful for hours afterward. After she stabbed me she said I might need to use ice later that day. I knew the number wasn't going to be good because of the BFN that morning, but it was confirmed by how long they took to call me back. My number was 6. She said the doctor said to continue the meds and come back on Thursday for a repeat Beta. I said there's no way this is a viable pregnancy. She said well it's up to you if you want to stop the medications. The way she said it made me think she also didn't agree with the doctor that there was any point in continuing the meds. I told her that the hpts had been ++ on Sunday and Monday and then negative that morning. I was sure the numbers were coming down, and did I really have to have a third Beta. She told the doctor what I said, but he said he needs to see it come down to 0 so he knows it's not an ectopic pregnancy. I said when I had an ectopic my numbers kept going up (way too slowly), but my numbers are coming down already. I am sure if I had a Beta on Sunday or Monday that my number was definitely higher than 6. As a compromise, I called my primary care doctor (less than 1 mile from our house) and got a lab appointment there for Thursday evening. This will satisfy the RE's requirement but save me the 70 minute round trip drive to the hospital. Please pray that it will be 0 on Thursday because having to keep have these Betas done is emotionally torturous. I had to go through this with the ectopic in 2005 although my hCG was over 100 that time so it took much longer for it to come back to 0. After all those years of longing to have some hCG in my system, it's really hard for me to wish it to go down to nothing. I ended up using a total of 8 hpts with this pregnancy. Five of them were negative and three were positive. I already threw 7 of them away. I am saving the one from Monday morning as I have no other proof that this pregnancy existed because they didn't give me an ultrasound picture from the transfer. I told Nadia and Ian yesterday that there was a baby in my belly but Jesus took the baby to heaven. I knew I had to have a conversation at some point to let Nadia know that she won't be having a sister, and I thought maybe she'd find comfort in knowing she'll meet another sibling in Heaven some day. I told her we don't know if the baby was a girl or a boy, but both Nadia and Ian have been referring to the baby in Heaven as "Nadia's sister," and that's fine with me. I know many women just pick a gender when they think about a child they lost so they don't have to refer to the baby as "'it" and some even give their miscarried baby a name. I thought about naming the baby we lost in 2005, but I have zero desire to do that this time around.

We started trying to have children in May 2002, and after eleven years and almost five months, we are officially done. In the beginning we thought all we needed to do was stop using birth control. When that didn't seem to be working, the first step was to start taking my temperature every morning when I woke up and to use ovulation tests. Then we sought medical help first from an OB/GYN and then from REs. We went from pills to shots to IUIs, and then we switched gears and pursued domestic adoption and then international adoption before trying IVF for the first time in 2007. If I could go back in time, I would have listened to Paul and tried IVF in 2004 rather than pursuing adoption first. I will never forget the joy I felt in Chicago in November 2007 when I found out that our second embryo transfer had resulted in a pregnancy (Nadia). Since it took us six years to become parents, I thought she might end up being our only child, but the Lord used the very next embryo transfer to bring us Ian. In the spring of 2011 I sold a lot of our baby things because I didn't think Paul would ever agree to pursuing IVF a third time, but a few months later he changed his mind, and we found out in January 2012 that we were expecting our third child and had one frozen embryo because the new RE would not let us transfer three at one time,  as the other RE had done two other times.

I am grieving the loss of this little life, the hope of ever having a fourth child, the hope of Nadia possibly having a sister, and the possibility of ever experiencing giving birth to a baby who doesn't end up in the NICU and doesn't have a lot of trouble learning how to nurse. But I also have an immense amount of joy and gratitude because God has richly blessed us with three beautiful children. I nursed a child at least once a day for a total of 30 months between the three children. I am not taking that for granted! I have been able to experience being a mother to both a girl and two boys. This miscarriage is so much easier to handle than the ones in 2005 and 2007. I wish that my ttc journey wasn't ending on such a sour note, but overall the journey has had a very happy ending - Nadia, Ian, and Oliver, and some day I will meet our other children in Heaven. I am very relieved to know I will never be stabbing my belly again, taking any other fertility meds, using any more pregnancy tests, etc. We are done. Our family is complete. In 20+ years hopefully we'll get to experience the joys of becoming grandparents. I hope and pray none of our children have as much trouble with having children as we have, but the tens of thousands of dollars we paid were absolutely worth it. Being a mother is a priceless experience, even on the bad days.

I was hoping today would be an easier day, but that hasn't proven to be true thus far. Ian's day is off to a much better start as he ate a HUGE breakfast to make up for his self-imposed starvation. He had two large bowls of cereal and a bagel. I hope he eats his dinner tonight. He can pick between impossible lasagna pie or tuna noodle casserole. Nadia threw up during breakfast and then somehow both Ian and Nadia managed to step in it and spread it more around the floor through their footsteps albeit I was urging them to steer clear of it. What a mess. Then Oliver threw up all over the place after lunch. In both cases I think it's from phlegm not a stomach virus. I am not back to normal yet (due to being 4w4d pg at the moment), so I came close to losing my breakfast while trying to clean up the mess. Then at lunch time I discovered our dishwasher finally gave up the ghost. We just replaced our tv last week, and now I asked Paul to go buy us a new dishwasher tomorrow. I am grateful that we have the resources to pay these bills, but the penny pincher in me is struggling with the size of our credit card bill at the moment - FET, tv, dishwasher, etc. Hopefully we won't need to make any other major purchases for awhile. I'm also hoping that Oliver's fussiness will decrease at least enough so we can take a walk this afternoon. I think a walk outside would do wonders for me emotionally. It's such a pretty time of year as the leaves are turning colors.

A little bit pregnant

For a few decades I had hoped to have 3-4 children, but I never expected to be trying for number four when I was 41 years old. After my pregnancy with Oliver, the thought of being pregnant again was terrifying. It was the first time that I had no desire to have any more children. We considered giving our embryo up for adoption or having a surrogate carry our last embryo for us, but in the end we decided to do our fifth embryo transfer this fall. When I started stabbing my belly, I found myself again hoping and praying that I would see two lines on a pregnancy test one more time. No one was saying anything about the condition of the embryo the day of the transfer, and that was very different from the previous four transfers, which caused Paul and I to believe they must not have had much good to say about it. Despite this, I still was praying umpteen times a day that the embryo would implant and continue to grow. I was very disappointed on Thursday morning when I saw only one line because that is the day I got my first + in three of my four pregnancies, but I held out some hope that it might still be too early because I didn't test on that day with Nadia. I hadn't slept well at all on Wednesday night because I knew I was testing, and so I tested again on Thursday night to decrease the suspense so I could sleep better that night.

It was still negative on Thursday, and I slept much better that night because I had only a glimmer of hope that it would be positive on Friday. When it was still negative on Friday morning, I decided to stop taking my medications and have the Beta on Saturday morning. Friday night I resumed taking the medications because I thought I should have the Beta first. Paul bought a new tv that night, and he was planning to take our broken tv to the recycling center on Saturday. I decided to go through the baby stuff in the basement on Friday night so that he could donate those things at the same location on Saturday. I went through baby gear and clothes Oliver had outgrown as well as clothes and shoes Nadia had outgrown over the past five years and selected what I would save. I saved quite a bit of the preemie and newborn size clothing (boy and girl) because I thought the kids might be able to use it for stuffed animals and dolls, and I saved a few of my favorites in case I have grandchildren in the future who might be able to wear them. After Nadia's soccer game on Saturday morning I took one last hpt (one that only cost $1 compared to the other three had been FRER), as I didn't want to give away all the stuff unless I was sure I wasn't pregnant. I saw it was still negative, and Paul loaded up the van. Just as Paul was about to leave, the nurse called me with the Beta results. She said it was less than two and that the RE wanted me to continue the medications and have another Beta on Tuesday morning. I was at 14dpo (days past ovulation) on Saturday. In 2005 when I had my second Beta at 14dpo, the RE said there was little hope for the pregnancy because my hCG was only 25, and they expect it to be around 100 at 14dpo.

She said they still had some hope that the blastocyst had implanted late and kept emphasizing that frozen blasts sometimes are a little slower. I told Paul I wanted to hold off on donating our baby stuff and decided to stop at Walmart on the way home from the pumpkin patch because the Dollar General hpts are not as sensitive as FRER hpts. Later that evening I looked up my hCG level at 14dpo after my first embryo transfer, and it was 1.1 and that RE declared that to be a negative result and said I could stop the shots that day. I have no idea why at 14dpo two different REs would have very opposite opinions about an hCG level of less than 2. Since I bought the tests, I took one this morning, and as expected it was negative. I got a + with this brand when my hCG was only 11, even though they only advertise being sensitive at 25iu (compared to 50iu for the tests that cost $1). I decided this morning there is no way I am pregnant if I'm still getting  a negative at 15dpo and with an hCG of less than 2 at 14dpo. My hCG prior to starting the Lupron shots was less than 0.1 so that is a change, but it didn't seem to be enough for a viable pregnancy. I struggled emotionally Thursday and Friday, but by yesterday evening I was doing a lot better, which is pretty amazing as I got only three hours of sleep on Friday night (long story). I had been awake for 20 hours straight when I went to bed at 9pm last night.

Then this evening I noticed a little bit of spotting, and I knew it was too soon to be a result of stopping the progesterone. It reminded me of the spotting I had at the beginning of Oliver's pregnancy. I didn't have any spotting at the beginning with the ectopic, Ian, or Nadia. I decided to take another hpt, and it was a VERY faint bfp. It looked just like my first ++ for the ectopic in 2005, at which point my hCG was 11 at 12dpo. I quickly dug the medications back out of the trashcan and started taking them again. It seems I am pregnant. I say a little bit pregnant because that's what the RE said to me in 2005 when my hCG was so low. It seems I'm headed for another miscarriage, but I would love to be wrong. I wrote this last night but am adding an update. I took another hpt this morning (Monday - 16dpo), and the line is still faint but darker than last night. I am definitely going to keep taking my medications, have the Beta tomorrow morning, and buy some more hpts. I hope the line starts getting much darker because right now the level seems far too low to represent a viable pregnancy. What a rollercoaster ride! Yesterday morning I took many bags of maternity clothing and baby clothing to a donation shed at our church. I hope I can get them back if this proves to be a successful pregnancy! Please keep praying!! In 2005 when I saw the faint second line I was over the moon excited and had no worries about a miscarriage. This is the first time I've seen two lines and from the start been pessimistic. It feels strange to be getting ++ hpts and not be super excited. I would love to be wrong. I hope to be posting wonderful news from the Beta tomorrow.

2012 in Review

At the end of a day if someone asks you how your day was, it's so easy for the negative things to come to mind faster than all the positive things. It's that way for 2012 for me. What comes to mind first was that I spent about 18 weeks in a hospital or Ronald McDonald House. Those experiences were emotionally traumatic. When we drove to Hershey a couple of weeks ago to visit Christmas Candylane, I found myself trembling and almost in tears as we neared the place where we spent 4 weeks in April while Ian was in the feeding clinic. It really shocked me how sudden and strong my reaction was. I wasn't expecting it. I was thinking about the kids riding rides and all of a sudden I was struggling to keep the tears from flowing. Similarly, when I took Ian and Oliver to the Pediatrician a couple of weeks ago, we were across from the hospital where Paul took me on May 30. I shed a few tears in that waiting room as I recalled how scary it was when they kept saying they might have to take the baby (at 22w0d) to save my life. The good news is that God worked two miracles this year through these hard times. First, Ian learned to chew. I was beginning to wonder how many years I would be serving him pureed food. Second, Oliver joined our family and is doing so well. It was a hard year, but we're starting 2013 as a family of five, of which four of us are now chewing solid food. Here are some of the highlights from the past year:

1. Ian was daytime potty trained in January.

2. We found out I was pregnant and froze one blastocyst in January.

3. The Giants won the Superbowl in February.

4. Ian was promoted from the nursery to Sunday School and Wee Worship in February.

5. The kids and I went to Maryland in March as I spoke at a conference in DC.

6. I turned 40 in April.

7. The kids and I spent 4 weeks in Hershey in April for the intensive feeding program.

8. We found out baby #3 was a boy in May.

9. Ian was promoted to a twin size bed after we got back from our trip to Grand Cayman with Paul's parents in May.

10. My hospitalization and 10 weeks of bed rest began on May 30. Oliver had one transfusion in June and another in July.

11. Nadia participated in her first ballet recital and gymnastics showcase in June.

12. Nadia celebrated her fourth birthday at Friendly's in Lancaster and by seeing Jonah at Sight and Sound.

13. Nadia and Ian spent the majority of July with Paul's parents and one week in Maryland at my family reunion.

14. Oliver was born on 8-7-12!

15. Nadia performed in her first musical on August 11 (our 11th anniversary) and 12.

16. Oliver was discharged from the NICU on Septemnber 2!

17. We traded Paul's Civic for our first minivan in September.

18. In September Nadia started taking tap dance in addition to her second year of ballet and Cubbies. In October she started her third year of gymnastics.

19. Ian ate his first bite of cake, started his first gymnastics class, and was nighttime potty trained in October.

20. Oliver got off the oxygen and apnea monitor in October.

21. Nadia accepted Christ as her personal Savior in October.

22. Nadia learned to write her name in November, and by the end of December she could write 24 letters of the alphabet. Earlier in the year she learned to identify all of the uppercase and lowercase letters and say what sound the letter makes.

23. Oliver started sleeping through the night and got off the nipple shield in November.

24. Paul wrote his dissertation and applied for 18 jobs (5 that started in January and 13 in August). December 11 was his last day at PSU for 2012, and he only needs to go in a couple of times in 2013 as his defense has been scheduled for 1-18-13.  

25. Ian concluded his weekly OT sessions (that took place for 23 months) the day before he turned 3 years old.

26. Oliver's baby dedication and Ian's third birthday party were held on December 9.

27. I taught two evening classses on campus in the spring, two online classes in the summer, was on leave during the fall, and resigned from my job that I had since August 2004 in December (effective January 27, 2013).

                                                28. Other special events included a trip to Reptiland, several trips to Knoebels, Disney on Ice in Hershey, Barnum & Bailey circus in Wilkes Barre, Hershey Park's Christmas Candylane, and several productions at the Community Theatre League and Community Arts Centre in Williamsport.

29. Nadia learned to buckle her own seatbelt, do a 100 piece jigsaw puzzle, and count to 40. Ian learned how to walk up and down the steps, do a 12 piece jigsaw puzzle, drink from an open cup, do a forward tuck roll, and feed himself with a fork and spoon.

30. This year Nadia was really into princesses while Ian enjoyed pirates, cars, trains, trucks, and Larry Boy.

 

Good and Lovely

1. Ian has stayed dry overnight for almost 3 weeks! I am glad it only took 2 weeks to train him at night.

2. My mom came and spent 20 hours with us, which was a very special treat. Although Ian was very, very excited about her visit, he didn't show her good hospitality during the night. He's been sleeping through the night for almost two years, but from 1:15-4:45am on Thursday, he got very little sleep. Oliver and Nadia managed to sleep through the chaos. I felt very badly that he picked the night my mom was here to carry on for such a long period of time during the night.

3. Thankfully he did MUCH better last night. He came into our room once at 4am, but I reminded him that we had promised him he could watch Peter Pan if he had a good night. I took him back to his bed, and he didn't come back to our room until 7am. Whew.

4. Ian wasn't the only one who had a good night last night! Oliver hadn't had a 10 hour stretch for almost two weeks, but last night he did it for the 3rd time in his life. When I put him down at 6:05pm I assumed it was for a brief third nap, although he hasn't been taking 3 naps lately. When he was still asleep at 7:15, I decided I should head to bed myself since it seemed like he was down for his long stretch, and I was tired enough to go to sleep at that hour since I had gotten less than 5 hours of sleep the previous night. He slept from 6:05pm-4:10am and then from 5:30am-7:20am, which means he slept almost 12 hours total last night - by far the most he's ever slept in one night. WOOHOO! I slept for 10 of those hours. Bliss.

5. Because my mom was here, I went to choir rehearsal for the first time in 6 months! I asked my choir director if I could bring Oliver with me starting next week because I don't think Paul is ready to take care of all three at bedtime yet, especially since Nadia has Cubbies. She said I could, but if Oliver starts going to bed earlier, that might not be necessary if our neighbor could bring Nadia home from Cubbies. He had been going down between 8:30-9:00pm lately.

6. After today, Paul only has 4 more trips to make to PSU in 2012 (Dec 3, 4, 10, and 11). Yahooo!

7. I made some vegan banana bread yesterday, and it was a success! It wasn't a hit like chocolate cake, but he ate a slice with his dinner last night. They suggested reducing the sweetner if you used sweetened applesauce. I am not sure if it's because I used maple syrup (as suggested) or because I only used 1/4 cup (because I used sweetened appleasuce), but the next time I make it I'm going to put 1/2 cup of sugar in it because I think it's not quite sweet enough. After the vegan brownie disaster, I was relieved to see a baked product turn out okay even though it didn't have any eggs in it. Paul's mom found some Fleischman's unsalted (a vegan margarine). I am looking forward to making and giving Ian his first homemade cookie. It amazes me how many recipes that are labeled "vegan" list things like butter or chocolate chips in the list of ingredients. I wish he could have chocolate chips. Hopefully some day...

I started this post yesterday with the title "Thankful Thursday," but due to going to bed at 7:15, I never finished it. I changed the title today because I was thinking of the verse (Phil. 4:8) that says to think on things that are good, lovely, etc. The past 3 months whenever I think about giving birth (even if I'm reading someone else's birth story), my immediate reaction is sheer terror. My heart literally starts racing sometimes, and I feel like I will burst into tears. Usually I try to picture Oliver's sweet smile to remind myself that the story had a happy ending. He was absolutely worth it. I can't control my dreams at night. I still sometimes awake in a state of panic that I'm gushing blood again, but that isn't happening as often any more. Yesterday I decided to try to recount positive experiences from the hospital that I can dwell on when I'm beginning to get a knot in my stomach when someone talks about giving birth. I'm hoping that if I keep doing this, that over time my first response won't be so negative. So here are what were the most touching experiences from my time in the hospital:

1. The hardest thing for me was being in what felt like solitary confinement so visits from others were definitely very special to me. Although I counted down the minutes until I could see my kids again, I can't include those visits on this list because seeing them leave was incredibly painful. The visits which were really special included: Caryn (a colleague from work), Sue & Talayna (mom/daughter from church), Brooke (cousin), and Ann (from church).

2. The person who was by far the biggest encouragement to me this summer was Lin. I hadn't communicated with her in 16 years and yet the Lord used her to really touch me this summer. Many days she sent me a Bible verse by email that encouraged me. Twice she mailed books to me at the hospital. When I got home from the hospital, I found she had made a burp cloth and a small cotton blanket that I used quite a bit in September. Her thoughtfulness was a huge encouragement to me. I am now praying for her as she's battling cancer again.

3. I received three flower arrangements, and these were really special as I hadn't received any flowers in several years. The first came from Paul's aunt, the second from a Sunday School class at my church, and the third (and most beautiful) came from my aunt. These were very pleasant surprises, and they really brightened my stark environment.

4. Aside from those I talk to on the phone regularly (Paul, my mom, and Paul's mom), I didn't talk on the phone much in the hospital. There were three people whose phone calls really touched me. First was my aunt (same one who sent the flowers), second was my dad's cousin (whom I hadn't spoken to in years but my aunt urged him to call me which was again so very sweet of her), and third was the hostess at the hospital. She called me when I was in the maternity ward (after delivering) to congratulate me. She did this from home on her day off. This really touched me. It showed how much she cares about her patients whom she serves meals to at work.

5. Many people were praying for Oliver. I may not have had much contact with people on the phone or in person, but many did post comments to me on my Facebook status updates. Those were very encouraging, especially as I could tell many were praying for us. One memory I treasure in particular was my sister praying for me during the delivery. Literally only a couple of minutes passed in between when I figured out I was about to give birth and when they knocked me out with general anesthesia. In that brief time I called Paul and my mom to tell them I was giving birth. It bothered me that I was giving birth alone (meaning no family members were in the hospital when it happened), but in reality Paul wouldn't have been in the OR with me even if he had been on the premises because I had general anesthesia. However I found out later that even though it meant calling my sister at 3:45am (2:45am in Chicago), my mom did call my sister to tell her I was in labor. Instead of going back to sleep, my sister stayed up and prayed for me for a lengthy period of time. As I type this, I am welling up with tears. That meant so much to me when I found out what she had done. She mentioned in particular that she prayed I wouldn't need a hysterctomy, which is sometimes necessary with placenta previa if the c-section alone doesn't stop the bleeding. I am ever grateful for her prayers for Oliver and I, and I am very thankful a hysterectomy wasn't necessary. I'm also thankful that Paul and my mom both arrived shortly after I woke up from the anesthesia and were able to go check on Oliver in the NICU before I was able to go down myself to see him for the first time.

So long, isolette!

Oliver was able to maintain his body temperature, and he still gained some weight. The doctors want him to gain 1-2% of his body weight each day. He's back to his birth weight. Maybe he'll hit 4 pounds tomorrow! Because of these successes, he was moved from an isolette to a bassinet this morning. This makes changing his diaper and getting him dressed somewhat easier. I say somewhat because he still has six wires/tubes attached to him (oxygen, feeding tube, respiration rate monitor, etc.). Putting a onesie on him is rather difficult for me with all those wires. Paul said that a woman from church dropped off a baby gift yesterday - a preemie size outfit for Oliver (not a sleeper but an outfit that included a onesie). I can't wait to start dressing my doll baby up in his own clothes! I ordered a few preemie size outfits from Carter's a few days ago. I would be tempted to dress him in his own clothes now, but he went through MANY outfits yesterday. At least two times all his clothes had to be changed due to a leaky (poopy) diaper. His bowels are definitely working these days! Another time he had to be changed and have a bath because his feeding tube came unhooked in the middle of a feed. He was lying in my milk. All his bedding and clothes had to be changed. When Pastor Jamie came yesterday, Oliver was in the middle of that bath. I was going to take a picture of him during the bath, but he was screaming his head off. It was just a sponge type bath, but his cord stump fell off yesterday evening, so he could have a "real" bath now.

Yesterday Oliver did pretty well with nursing at 9am, noon, and 3pm. He latched on and did get some milk. However his stamina was very limited. The 6pm feeding was a total bust. I couldn't get him to wake up. Even though the nurse gave him his Hep B vaccine at 9pm, he just wanted to sleep through that feeding as well. When the midnight feeding also wasnt' going well, I asked the nurse for a shield. I have a love/hate relationship with those things. They have helped my three children start nursing, which is necessary to being discharged from the NICU, but then getting them off the shield is rather stressful and difficult. I had hoped to avoid the shield this time around, but by midnight last night I caved in. At 3am I was ever so glad I had made that choice because he had his best nursing session then, and then he topped that one at 6am. At 6am he nursed on and off for 20 minutes, and at times he nursed rather vigorously. Yes, the shield does really help preemies. They only had extra-small shields in stock. It's not the right size, but we're using it for now. The 9am feeding also went rather well. He actually had too much milk between what he consumed by mouth and feeding tube so he spit up a bunch of milk in his isolette. When the doctors did their rounds they said I am to tell the nurse after each nursing session whether Oliver should have a full feed (by feeding tube) or a feed half the size of what he has been getting lately. At noon I asked the nurse for a half-feed because he did pretty well. He still takes quite a few breaks (he stays latched on but stops sucking), but he is only 34w1d. I feel far more encouraged than I did at midnight, although I'm already dreading the process of weaning him off the shield. One thing at a time. First we have to get this boy HOME. The two things that can still be improved are #1 getting Oliver off the oxygen and #2 getting it to the point that all of his nutrition comes by mouth.

Last night each feeding/ pumping session took 65-75 minutes from the time the alarm on my cell phone went off until the minute I crawled back in bed. I walked back after the 9pm feeding, but I drove to and from the midnight, 3am, and 6am feedings. I walked far more than necessary for the midnight feeding. The first two entramces I went to at the hospital were locked. Now I know where to go when the building is locked (9pm to 5am).

Today I paid $1,897.79 to one hospital and $210 to another hospital for bloodwork. Last week I received a bill for $2,516 from the hospital in Harrisburg. I haven't paid that one yet. All of these bills are just for bloodwork. I'm praying that the MFM clinic will assist me in showing the insurance why these tests were medically necessary so that the insurance will pay the bills, but the one hospital was threatening to send the bill to collections if we didn't pay so I decided to pay it now so our credit isn't ruined while we wait for the insurance to process the appeal. What a relief that we don't have to worry about any medical bills incurred past July 1. If we end up having to pay more than $5K for laboratory bills, I definitely screwed up. It would have been better to pay the extra $3K to stay on Blue Shield. Live and learn. I still haven't given up hope yet that the insurance will pay eventually. They did actually end up paying for Ian's feeding program even though Hershey said they wouldn't. Ironically if I could pick, I wish they would have refused to pay those charges (because Medical Assistance would have paid if the insurance didn't) and covered these instead. Hershey is probably glad though because the insurance paid a higher rate per day than MA would have paid.

Yesterday I didn't leave the hospital property once I arrived here at 9am. Today I did venture off after the 3pm feeding/pumping session and shopped at a children's consignment store that is just a couple of minutes away. I got two things for Oliver (including one preemie size onesie/pant outfit), a leotard for Nadia, and two things for Ian (a 3 piece suit and a pirate costume). I think he's going to love the pirate costume, and Paul will be glad if it means Ian stops asking to wear one of Nadia's princess dresses. I also stopped at Dunkin Donuts for a egg/cheese bagel as my dinner. Yesterday I just ate food from the RMH refrigerator. It costs $15 a day to stay here so I'm trying not to spend any money on food during my stay, but I was really craving a breakfast sandwich today.

By the numbers

As for my last full day in the hospital as a patient, it was a day of highs and lows both physically and emotionally. Physically, I pushed myself and walked to and from the NICU 3 times, and it's on the 8th floor. It was not a small task. The first time I was in tears by the time I got there due to the pain as well as the fact I had trouble finding it as the nurses and aides take a shorter route. I had never gone the public route before, and I assume for security reasons they don't have any signs.
The first time I went was during the morning rounds. When the doctors did the rounds in the other NICU, parents were the only visitors allowed in the NICU, and we had to wear headphones (attached to a CD player). The funny thing was that about 75% of the time the batteries were dead so we parents weren't actually listening to music. This policy was to protect the privacy. We were only to take the headphones off when the doctors were visiting our child. In contrast to the policy at this hospital, I greatly prefer that policy. At this hospital no parents are allowed in the NICU while the doctors do the rounds except you can be with your child while they are talking about your child. I lifted the phone and told the nurse at the nurse's station that I was waiting in the waiting room to listen to the doctors when they did rounds at Oliver's bed side. After waiting awhile, his nurse (Joey) came and got me. I can't walk very quickly yet, and they started their discussion before his nurse and I returned (which frustrated me as I been waiting for more than 30 minutes in the waiting room). It went downhill from there. They were using all the abbreviations and medical terminology, which meant nothing to me. It was all I could do not to have a total meltdown as things didn't sound very good. They asked at the end if I had any questions. I said "no" only because I had WAY too many questions and knew I was about to lose it emotionally. I did grasp that his bilirubin count had gone down a little so Joey asked if they could take him off the Wallaby (which she said is like sleeping on a board). The doctors approved this change. He was still under two lights today, but he was able to sleep on a more comfortable surface, which meant he didn't need Versed to stay calm. I also understood that because of the sounds they hear when they listen to his bowels, he still can only be fed 1ml of my milk every 6 hours. If he had sounded better, they would have started feeding him 1ml every 3 hours. Both sides are cooperating now so each time I pump I've been getting 10-25ml, and he's consuming 4ml a day so they froze a lot of milk today. The information that had to do with his face, heart, and lungs was upsetting and confusing.

The second time I visited him, his nurse was taking out his arterial line. WOOHOO! I was so excited because that was the first thing that had to happen for me to be able to hold him. I wasn't given permission to hold him today (the last time I asked was at 9:50pm). She said to check again at 8am tomorrow. I cannot wait. It's so hard to give birth and then not be able to cuddle with your baby. My boy needs to be loved by his Mommy!!! My second and third trips to the NICU I brought my camera in the hopes the nurse would be snapping a photo of him in my arms. I didn't take any pictures of him today.

The swelling has been a lot worse today. I no longer have any ankles. My thighs, legs, ankles and feet are swollen. Hopefully I'll be able to get my sandals on tomorrow. I never swell when pregnant, but I always swell like a balloon (legs/feet) after giving birth. The last two times the water weight was about 10 pounds. I was far more mobile today, but then this evening the pain level skyrocketed back to what it was the first day after the c-section. I might end up sleeping in the glider tonight because I have trouble pumping in the bed, and I don't want to have to get in and out of the bed many times if it's going to be that painful. The pumping has gone well. That is a boost for me emotionally. The insurance said they'll pay 100% of the rental costs for the pump while he's in the NICU (it's just $60 a month) so I have a Medela Symphony pump to use at home and at the Bailey House. When I'm in the NICU I'll use the pumps they have down there.

They did another echocardiogram today, and the results were favorable. Something that is supposed to be open in the heart while in the womb but closed after birth had still been open at the first echocardiogram, but between then and now it had closed. PTL! Also his heart looked a little better. It's hard for me to explain the problems although a NICU doctor did break it down into layman's terms for me this afternoon. I have decided to skip the rounds in the future. I'd much prefer a one-on-one conversation with the doctor. As for his lungs, he still has "issues." He's still on the ventilator, and he's breathing about 25% oxygen (room air is 21%). They are erring on the side of too much oxygen, even though it might be damaging his eyesight (he might need glasses at a very young age) as being able to breathe is more important.

I asked the resident today about my incision because it seems to be horizontal. She said that the incision of the uterus was vertical, but the incision of my skin was horizontal. I was told this means I definitely can never do VBAC. I don't think that would have been an option anyhow since I've now had 3 c-sections. With my first two the doctors used staples, but this time they used stitches, which they say will fall out on their own. I have an appointment next Thursday for them to check the incision. I'm anxious to hear tomorrow at discharge when I'll be allowed to drive again. I am anxious to get some independence back!!! I haven't driven a car since May 29.

I did better emotionally this afternoon (translated I didn't cry as much). I had lunch in the antepartum unit, and I spent about 2 hours talking with some of those ladies, which was nice. My friend, Cheri, also called me on the phone, which was also an encouragement. As for the issues with his face, they were concerned that his round face was a sign of some chromosomal problem. I said he looks just like his Dad and sister, who both have round faces. Hopefully when they see Nadia and Paul tomorrow they'll agree with me. He has lost a little weight, but they said that's a good sign (losing some excess fluid). His weight this evening was 3lb 11.6 oz.

Since I'm being discharged tomorrow morning, I thought I'd do a bit of a numerical recap of the pregnancy. I wish I had kept track of how many books I read and how many ultrasounds I had. Both numbers would be rather high!

1 - time under general anesthesia
1 - time given Phenergan for nausea (never want that again - Zofran is much better)
1 - epidural blood patch
1 - pregnancy ultrasound with RE (at 8 weeks)
2 - packages delivered to me at the hospital (books from Lin)
2 - oral medications taken to prevent contractions (Indocen and Procardia)
2 - hours a day of fetal and contraction monitoring when in the antepartum unit
2 - nights spent at Paul's aunt's house during the pregnancy
2 - blastocysts transferred
3 - times hCG bloodwork drawn at RE
3 - MFM doctors (plus 2 fellows)
3 - flower arrangements received (from Janet, Debbie, and my church)
3 - nights spent at Paul's parents' house during the pregnancy
3 - times a day vitals taken in antepartum and maternity units
3 - baby gifts received in the hospital (from Wendy, Brooke, and Debbie)
4 - hospitals (Geisinger, Evangelical, Hershey, and Harrisburg)
4 - Rhogam shots this pregnancy (all of our kids are O positive, and I'm O negative)
4 - lumbar punctures (3 epidural and 1 spinal)
4 - blastocysts (2 were transferred and 1 was frozen)
5 - days past egg retrieval when embryo transfer took place
5 - popsicles consumed a few hours after giving birth
5 - transfusions (I had one prior to the c-section, and Oliver had two before birth and two in the NICU)
6 - big bleeding episodes (first was on May 30 and last was on August 7)
7 - discharges from the hospital (first on May 31 and last on August 11)
7 - day of his birth (due on the 3rd)
8 - month of his birth (due in October)
8 - embryos as of January 12, 2012
8 - hours of pitocin after c-section (contractions and an incision are not a good mix!)
9 - weeks of wearing compression socks
9.5- hours I had wait after giving birth before I was able to visit Oliver
10 - people who were in the car during trips to the hospital in Harrisburg (Paul, Nadia, Ian, Paul's parents, my mom, Rosalie, Bob, Cheri, and Aunt Debbie)
10 - weeks of bedrest (minus one day)
10 - IV tubes inserted in my arms (on May 30-31 and August 7-8 I had two at one time)
10 - first OB appointment at 10w2d
10 - passed the three hour glucose tolerance test at 10w5d
11 - children visited me in the hospital (1 cousin, 3 nieces, 1 daughter, 1 son, and 5 nephews)
11 - eggs retrieved on January 11, 2012
12- hospital rooms (at least one night)
12 - first +++ pregnancy test at 12 days past egg retrieval
13 - P17 shots
13 - first +++ Beta at 13 days past egg retrieval
14 - people played Words with Friends with me (Scrabble) on Facebook while I was in the hospital
14 - weeks I had appointments with MFM doctors (18-31)
15 - how many ounces (plus 3 lbs) that Oliver weighed at birth
16 - inches at birth
16 - adults visited me in the hospital
18 - found out Oliver was a boy at 18 weeks at my first MFM appointment
19 - third and last OB appointment at 19 weeks
20 - nights spent at the Ronald McDonald House in Hershey during the pregnancy
20 - approximate number of pounds I gained during the pregnancy. I can't be 100% certain because July 25 was the last time I was weighed at the hospital (with clothes on right after a shower), and I had previously been tracking my weight without clothing on my own bathroom scale.
22 - hospitalizations and bedrest began at 22w0d
24 - first pair of steroid shots around 24 weeks
24 - hours a day of fetal and contraction monitoring when in the labor and delivery unit
26 - name decided at 26 weeks (Paul suggested the first name, and I suggested the middle name)
28 - second pair of steroid shots at 28 weeks
30 - weeks (plus 4 days) the last time a belly pic was taken
31 - weeks pregnant when he was born (plus 6 days)
40 - my age when I gave birth
45 - hours after Oliver was born that my milk came in (not counting the colostrum I had from the first time I pumped)
46 - days in the hospital (Ruth)
54.5 - first hCG level (at 3w6d)
58 - people clicked "like" on the Facebook status update I wrote about Oliver's birth (some of those also wrote a comment)
64 - people wrote a comment on the Facebook status update I wrote about Oliver's birth (some of those also clicked "like")
167.7 - second hCG level (at 4w1d)
351 - third hCG level (at 4w3d)

Transfusion on Wednesday

Last night I bled a little bit. It was a small enough amount that I didn't get moved to the 8th floor, but it was more than just "spotting". The last time that happened was Thursday night before I went to bed, and then by 5am Friday morning I was bleeding a lot. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well last night as I kept expecting to wake up in a pool of blood again. The longest amount of time that has passed between a small bleed and a large one has been about 36 hours so I think I'll feel less nervous if I make it until tomorrow morning without hemmorhaging again. My contractions have also been worse lately. When I was on the monitor Saturday night, I had 4 contractions in an hour, which warranted a call to the doctor. Typically I only have 1-2 contractions an hour. Yesterday and today the contractions have been VERY painful; they have felt the same as when I was in labor with Ian and Nadia. Mostly they've still been pretty spread apart, but at one point this morning I had 3 within 30 minutes.

One of the fellows (there are two) said this morning that they might have to put me on magnesium to stop the contractions. That is given by iv 24 hours a day so I asked if we could try upping the dosage or frequency of the Procardia first. They started me at 20mg every 6 hours, and I've been at 10mg every 8 hours lately. Of course I'll do the iv if it will help Oliver stay inside me until at least 35w, but I'm hoping it's not necessary. Dr. Tressler wasn't here today, but they reviewed today's ultrasound results with him since he's the one who does the transfusions. They have scheduled me to have one more ultrasound tomorrow to confirm the decision to do the third (and final) transfusion on Wednesday. Dr. Taboada commented that she was happy to see me smiling. I was smiling when I heard that it was scheduled for 11am. WOOHOO! The last two have taken place at 4pm and 5pm, and it's really hard to fast all day. I hope it really does take place at 11am. These three beautiful pictures were taken by my very talented sister, Wendy. I'll share three more of the pics she took tomorrow!

Ups and Downs

31w2d

It feels like 2012 is the year of hospitals (April at Hershey Medical and from May 30 to probably early September in Harrisburg) and health insurance issues. Not counting the $518 we paid Geisinger for one ultrasound I had in February, we are currently trying to appeal $5,437.12 worth of labwork that the insurance initially refused to pay for because it isn't covered under our maternity benefits. Hopefully the MFM office will be able to convince them that these tests were "medically necessary." They also haven't paid for any of the MFM office visits, but those they didn't officially reject. They just said they couldn't process them until they received all my OB/prenatal records (including all ultrasounds). Hopefully they'll end up paying most (if not all) of these bills. It could be worse though. They have paid tens of thousands of dollars for my hospitalizations in May and June.

Blue Shield took over on July 1, and I am confident we won't have any hassles over bills from that time forward. Last Saturday when I looked at my most recent paycheck, I noticed that they had deducted $392.82 for our Blue Shield insurance. The deductions are made every two weeks. That would be a LOT of money to pay each month for health insurance! I questioned someone in HR, and she got back to me on Tuesday and said it had been a mistake. They were supposed to take out $102.47 per pay (big difference!). That was a big relief.
I had five visitors today! My cousin, Brooke, was traveling from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh today, and she stopped in with one of her sons (Fletcher) to visit me for a little bit. They again gave her a bit of grief about coming to my room with a child (4 year old) since I was still on the 8th floor, but thankfully they granted her an exception. She brought me a cute little sleeper (size 6-9 month) for Oliver. This was Oliver's second gift! I have both of his new sleepers on display on the couch in my 9th floor room. Paul and the kids also visited me today for a little less than 3 hours. I was moved back to the 9th floor at 1pm, and they came to visit after 3pm so we were able to hang out in the lounge. While we were in there, I learned that a husband of one of the patients in this unit was a student of mine! He graduated from the university where I teach in 2009. It's a small world after all. Ian was definitely out of sorts this afternoon. We couldn't get him to feed himself his yogurt. The hardest part of the day was saying goodbye to Paul and the kids, but I did manage to do so without crying this time. These next 4-5 weeks need to FLY by like time has never flown before.

I am very grateful to be back on the 9th floor where I can control the thermostat in my room (I had piled on four blankets to try to stay warm in my room on the 8th floor), I am only hooked up to a monitor 2 hours a day, and I am disconnectd from the iv. Going to the bathroom is a real pain when I have three cords to deal with, and when I'm on an iv sometimes I am going every 40 minutes. Every time I roll over in bed a nurse has to come in and readjust the baby's monitor. I also am not allowed to shower down there. I appreciated my shower on the 9th floor this afternoon although I wish the water would get warmer in this hospital. I will really appreciate a nice hot shower when I get home in 4-5 weeks.

I'm thankful that Oliver has gone more than 3 weeks without a transfusion. I forgot to mention yesterday that the ultrasound tech showed me on the screen how long his hair is. Oliver won't be bald at birth!

Bleeding Again

It turns out the decision to return to the hospital yesterday was the right one. I would have been back here this morning anyhow as I started bleeding at 5am. Over the span of 17 hours I was in 3 different rooms on 3 different floors as I was moved to the 8th floor around 5:30am. I was put in a different labor and delivery room than I had been in before. This is my 6th room on this floor, and it's the nicest one I've been in on this floor, especially in terms of views out the windows. I stopped bleeding a few hours ago, and if it stays that way, I'll be headed back up to the 9th floor tomorrow. I am on the monitors 24 hours a day down here, and they did start me on an iv, but they didn't starve me like they did the other 4 times. I was so grateful to be able to eat breakfast, especially as I ordered a couple of things I hadn't ordered before (from the cafe), and it was the best breakfast I have eaten here (egg and cheese on a bagel as well as a parfait that included blueberries, yogurt, coconut, and granola). I will be ordering those again that is for sure! I'm hoping that when I go upstairs I can convince them to remove the iv tube from my arm like they did last time.

My sister and her family arrived around 11am. At first only my sister came in the room because the policy on this floor (which is typically just for those in labor as 2 hours after a woman gives birth they move her and the baby up to the maternity unit on the 9th floor) is that the only children allowed are the siblings of the baby.I appealed to my nurse who knew that I was usually on the 9th floor (there are no such restrictions in the antepartum unit) and also knew that I hadn't seen my sister's family in two years, and likely won't see them again for another 2 years. Thankfully they made an exception and the seven of them were allowed to visit me in my room. They stayed for one hour. Joel (whom I hadn't met before - he's 14 months old) wasn't too sure about me. I am sure if I had more time with him that he'd warm up to me, but he was only willing to come near me if he was still in contact with his Mommy. It was nice to be able to chat with the other four children about what they have enjoyed at Six Flags, what they enjoyed during their week in Chicago visiting Wendy last month, etc. The kids got a kick out of listening to the monitor when Oliver had the hiccups. I was very thankful to be able to see them, but I also felt sad because if I hadn't been in the hospital I would have spent days with them not just one hour. It's frustrating since they only come to visit about once every two years, but it can't be helped. I know that I need to stay in the hospital until I deliver, and even then I won't want to leave the hospital much if Oliver is in the NICU. My sister and her family will be leaving the USA on the 28th of this month so there's no way we'll be discharged before they leave as I won't hit 35 weeks until the 29th. When they return I'll either be spending time in the NICU or still be on bed rest.

I had an ultrasound today, and he's still doing well in terms of the anemia. Dr. Tressler had them do measurements on Oliver today because he's anticipating a transfusion next week. The day before the last transfusion (23 days ago), they estimated that he weighed 2 1/2 lbs. Today they estimated that he weighed a tiny bit more than 4 pounds! Way to go, Oliver! That put him in the 60th percentile for weight. Ian weighed 6lb 1oz at 34 weeks, and Nadia weighed 6lb 2oz at 36 weeks. We shall see if Oliver will be like his siblings and weigh a tiny bit more than 6 lbs at birth.

Thankful Thursday

I've cried a LOT today, but as the song "Count your blessings" recommends, when you're going through a rough time, that's a very good time to stop and count one's blessings.

1. I started on the 11th floor today, but at 5pm I was moved back down to the 9th floor - in fact to the same room I was in the last few weeks. This room is MUCH nicer than the one I started in today - the ability to control the thermostat, the view out the window, etc. Some of the other women on the 11th floor have been waiting for awhile for a room to open up on the 9th floor, but the nurses gave me preference (in light of how long I've been here altogether and also the fact I still have 4-5 weeks to go). There are currently 23 antepartum patients in this hospital!

2. No one brought me lunch (albeit I started asking at 12:30). I was in tears over this by 2:30 and begged a nurse to bring me SOMETHING to eat. In contrast, two different people brought me dinner! I gave my nurse the second meal (as the first taco salad was too big for me to finish so I certainly didn't need a second one, and I knew Dottie was wanting a taco salad). The extra perk was that the first woman brought me a dessert from the cafeteria! That was a special treat. I said it didn't matter as long as it didn't have chocolate, and she brought me key lime pie. It was different than what I think of as key lime pie, but it was still a tasty treat.

3. I get to see my sister and her family tomorrow morning! I haven't seen them in a little over 2 years, and it will be my first time meeting my youngest nephew (he turned 1 the end of May).

4. I got to spend 48 hours with my kids. Oh how I enjoyed reading to them, kissing them, hugging them, napping with Ian, etc. I am so very grateful for them.

5. Rosalie and Bob brought me to the hospital yesterday. It was great to visit with them during the two hour (round trip) car ride.

6. Paul's aunt let me sleep at her house last night. I slept really well. She also stayed with me for 80 minutes while I waited to be seen at the clinic this morning.

7. Ian is making progress with eating. Sometimes it's QUITE an ordeal getting him to feed himself yogurt or cream of wheat, but he can do it. He can now eat a cookie that hasn't been broken into pieces. I fed him some spaghetti (cut up) for dinner last night. He cracks me up as when he's doing a good job he encourages everyone to cheer him on. He'll even ask Nadia to watch him and asks her to tell him he's doing a good job. We're all happy to say the words he longs to hear ("I'm so proud of you" and "Good job, Ian") as well as clap for him. He claps for himself also, ha ha! Drinking from a cup (Elecare or water) is no big deal for Ian these days!

8. In general, the placenta previa is annoying to put it mildly. I would have only been hospitalized for 6 days total (the whole pregnancy) if we were only dealing with fetal anemia. I started leaking amniotic fluid on Monday night. Thanks to the placenta previa, it can only come out at a slow pace (unlike when it gushed out with Nadia and Ian). I'm not crazy about having one more thing seeping out of me, but I have a feeling if I didn't have placenta previa that Oliver would have been born at 30w6d. I should add that they haven't run a test to conclusively prove whether it's actually amniotic fluid, but that's what I believe it is, and since the fluid level is still fine, it doesn't really matter whether that's what it is or not.

9. I was able to do some online shopping during my brief time of being discharged.

10. On Monday I received a package in the mail from the same woman who had previously ordered me a book through Amazon. This time I received two anthologies (7 books altogether) that she had read and was now passing on to me. How sweet! I haven't seen her since 1995.

11. The fact that the third transfusion hasn't been necessary yet (the 2nd one was exactly 3 weeks ago) has increased the odds that the third will be the last transfusion and also that he won't be delivered until at least 34 weeks. Considering he was in the mild anemia category 2 week ago, I'm amazed the third transfusion hasn't happened yet.

12. Some people from church have volunteered to move the bookshelves downstairs and also paint Oliver's room sometime this month. How sweet is that? This will be a big help for Paul since he's very swamped right now.

I can't believe I'm doing this

Rosalie and Bob showed up at 6:40am at Paul's parents' house to take me to my 8am appointment. Oliver has stayed out of the moderate/severe category of anemia the past 5 days. Since I had been discharged, Dr. Tressler told the nurse to hook me up to the monitor for 30 minutes after the ultrasound to make sure I wasn't having any contractions. When she hooked me up she told me that Dr. Tressler was shocked that I had been discharged, and he wasn't very happy about it in light of the placenta previa. It turns out Dr. Martinez was the only one of the three doctors in favor of me being discharged prior to delivery. When he came in to talk with me, he was very stern about how serious placenta previa is, and he told me he is 100% certain I will bleed again. That caught me off guard because I am not accustomed to a doctor referring to anything as 100% certain. He said the only questions were when it would happen and how much blood I would lose. I thought he was going to tell me I needed to be readmitted, but he said he'd let me go back home if I promised "the only time my feet would hit the floor would be when I was getting up to go to the bathroom." He said I needed to be just as inactive at home as I had been in the hospital. I agreed to those terms and made an appointment for 2:30 on Monday for the next ultrasound.

By the afternoon I was feeling very overwhelmed as several people (most with medical backgrounds of some sort) were telling me via email and Facebook how worried they were, and they were questioning the safety of this decision because of the threat of bleeding to death. One friend works at the blood bank and Geisinger, and she let me know that it would likely take about 2 hours for them to get matched blood for me (unlike at Harrisburg where they know what I need and have been keeping some on hand when I've been staying there). If I really needed a transfusion asap, this would obviously be a big problem. If I had started bleeding at home this weekend, I would have asked Paul to take me to Geisinger. Additionally, Paul's mom is going to be without a car tomorrrow, which didn't seem like the best situation for me if some emergency came abut. As glad as I was to be discharged on Monday, I started to think the wisest choice might be to go back to the hospital. I called Paul first, and he wasn't sure what I should do. I called my mom next, and she felt (in light of the emails/messages) I should go back to the hospital. I then called the hospital around 5pm when I knew a doctor would be doing rounds. I spoke with Dr. Taboada, who agreed the safest place for me to be, especially considering how  far away I live, was the hospital. She said she'd admit me tonight, but I'd have to start on the 8th floor. She said if I waited until tomorrow morning I would go straight to the 9th or 11th floor.

Since Paul's mom wasn't going to have access to a car tomorrow, we worked it out with her sister that I would spent the night at her house, which is where I am now. She met us half-way at a McDonald's, which helped get the kids back to Paul's parents' house at a more reasonable time. At first I felt a big sense of relief that I had made the right decision, and then it hit me a few minutes later that I'd be saying goodbye to the kids again, and I was in tears. I know this time they won't discharge me until I deliver, which means it will be about 4-5 weeks before I go home again. Nadia was in tears at one point, and this helped me get myself together. I was completely caught off guard though when Ian started bawling in the parking lot at McD's. He kept saying over and over, "I want to go home." Out of the past 14 nights (including tonight) he will have only spent one night in his own bedroom. He will have spent 6 nights at my parents' house and 7 nights at Paul's parents' house during that time span. Many times over the past two days I was with him he kept asking for Daddy. Paul will come get them on Friday night. I know this is the right thing to do, but I'm again struggling emotionally and can't believe I am willingly choosing to be readmitted even though I could have stayed with the kids until at least Monday.

37 Hours of Freedom!!!

Did you know that no one has taken my temperature, oxygen saturation level, or blood pressure in more than 24 hours? Amazing! It feels so nice to be OUT of the hospital. I was discharged a little before 7:00 last night, but Paul and I didn't arrive at his parents' house until about 8:30 because we had to stop for gas and also at a pharmacy to pick up my Procardia, as I needed to take the next one at 10:00pm. The first pharmacy that the doctor tried to call it into didn't have any. The second (Rite Aid) said they did, but when Paul's dad went to pick it up, he found out they didn't have it, but they said another Rite Aid in another town had it. So we made a detour on our way home to go to the other Rite Aid. I got to see the kids for a few minutes before they went to bed. Paul stayed until about 10pm. I decided to try sleeping with Nadia again. I thought it would go better than it had on July 4 because she was asleep before I went up, but she just wanted to snuggle right beside/on me, and she was at an angle across the bed so I had hardly any room. The whole night I felt like I might fall off the bed. I also had many nightmares that I was bleeding. I think that happened because the last time I slept there I did bleed in the early morning. Tonight I'm going to sleep downstairs on a couch by myself. I think I'll sleep better there.

Dr. Martinez had told me at 4pm yesterday that my next appointment would be on Thursday, but when Dr. Taboada did my discharge at 6:30pm she told me I needed to return for an 8am appointment on Wednesday. She felt it was too long to wait until Thursday, and she said all three doctors would be in the office on Wednesday, which meant if necessary I could even have a transfusion that same day since I was being seen at 8am. Dr. Martinez will be on vacation for two weeks starting on Monday. The nurse who wheeled me out of the hospital commented that she didn't comprehend the purpose of discharging someone for just one day, but I told her I would gladly take even just one day of freedom from the hospital, even though if I go back I probably won't get a room on the 9th floor because they are currently SWAMPED with antepartum patients. Someone from the 8th floor was getting my room, and there are 9 antepartum patients on the 11th floor waiting for a room to open up on the 9th floor. About 5,000 babies are born each year at this hospital (compared to about 1,600 a year at the hospital where I had Nadia and Ian). The hostess said she'd save my menus in case I was back later this week (I had turned in menus that would take me through dinner on Sunday), although if I'm having a transfusion they'll be starving me at first.

The best parts of being out of the hospital have been #1 spending way more time with Nadia and Ian than I have in 25 days and #2 being able to shop online. I bought a Bjorn carrier and letters for Oliver's wall on eBay today. I am also bidding on a "Big Brother" t-shirt for Ian. Nadia already has a "Big Sister" shirt, and Oliver can wear the "Little Brother" onesie that Ian wore in 2010. I also pre-ordered two copies of the VeggieTales dvd that's coming out very shortly (one as a gift for Nadia and one as a gift for a niece). I have tried to take it easy, but I've still been sitting and standing far more than in the hospital (ex. I had to stand for my shower this morning whereas in the hospital I sit during my shower per the doctor's instructions). This has resulted in me having FAR more contractions than I did in the hospital (I averaged 2 an hour in the hospital). If I'm not readmitted to the hospital tomorrow, I'm going to ask about increasing the frequency of the Procardia as I used to take it every 6 hours. Every 8 hours was working when I was in a bed 23+ hours a day, but it doesn't seem like enough when I'm sitting in a lazyboy chair, kitchen chair, etc. for most of the day.

A friend I haven't seen in a couple of years will be picking me up and taking me to the hospital tomorrow. She has to be at Paul's parents' house at 6:45am. I am so grateful she's willing to do this for me, and I'm looking forward to catching up with her a bit. We worked together from 1996-2003, and she's currently teaching at the university where I taught from January 2003- May 2004. If I am readmitted for the transfusion, I plan on going back to our home whenever I'm discharged after that procedure. If I am not readmitted tomorrow, then I plan on returning to Paul's parents' house, at least until Friday night when Paul can take us all back home.

Two Ultrasounds

28w2d  - Sticking out his tongue!

Prior to May 30, I was always in awe when I would hear a little heart beating within me. I remember with each pregnancy thinking it was one of the most beautiful sounds in the whole wide world. I found myself almost in tears when I'd hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time in the RE's office. I am extremely grateful that Oliver's little heart is still beating away within me, but the novelty of hearing his heartbeat wore off many weeks ago. At times they've had the volume up 24 hours a day. If it's within my reach, I usually turn the volume down. Similarly, I remember getting SO excited about each and every ultrasound in the last two pregnancies. I do remember losing a bit of interest during Nadia's 24 week ultrasound because it was performed by a pediatric cardiologist, and the entire exam was focused on her heart. Although I do enjoy seeing Oliver's cute little face, these days I'm usually more focused on wondering whether he's anemic or not when they're doing a transfusion. I am guessing I've averaged three ultrasounds a week over the past 9 weeks, and when something is done that often the novelty wears off. With Nadia and Ian, I saved every single ultrasound picture I was given. This time it seems excessive to save all of them, especially considering some of them are so blurry that I can't even tell what I'm looking at. I think it's related to all the years of infertility, but I am having the hardest time throwing any of them away (just like with the hpts!). This is coming from someone who has a nickname of "the chucker." Paul gave me that nickname years ago because of my penchant for getting rid of clutter. This morning I took pictures of four of the ultrasounds with my old point and shoot camera. Of the pictures they've given me since July 5, these are my favorites.

28w0d - Waving "hi!"

I know that complete placenta previa is a dangerous condition. As badly as I want to go home, obviously I don't want to bleed to death! I have been praying that if it's not the Lord's will that I go home, that I would have a little spotting or bleeding as that would cancel the plans for me to be discharged. I also was praying that today's ultrasound results would be specific and accurate. Unfortunately there was a pretty wide range again (from 50-70). I was hoping to be able to tell Paul after the ultrasound whether I was going to be discharged today or not, but I had no idea because the higher numbers would mean he should have a transfusion tomorrow, and the lower numbers would mean we could wait a few more days. At 2:00 I asked my nurse if she could check and see if I was being discharged this evening so I could let Paul know. At 2:30 she told me that the doctor wanted me to have another ultrasound since this morning's wasn't conclusive. If I was going home, the plan was that Paul would drive from PSU to the hospital and take me to his parents' house where I could stay with the kids for a couple of days until the next transfusion. The thought of staying in my own bed was very appealing, but I thought it was better for me to be closer to Harrisburg and also not be at home alone with the kids during the day.

29w2d - Cute little foot!

Around 3:45pm, a nurse took me back to the 8th floor for another ultrasound. The same woman did it, but she felt like she got a more accurate reading this time. Dr. Martinez came in part way through the ultrasound, and he did one reading himself, which was similar to what she had just gotten. He said the anemia is not severe enough to warrant a transfusion quite yet. I am being discharged!!!! We had other babysitters lined up for Wednesday and Thursday. The original plan had been that the kids would only be at Paul's parents' house on Monday, Tuesday, and Friday, but Paul is going to take me to their house this evening. Presuming the placenta behaves itself, I am to come back on Thursday for the next ultrasound. This means that the next transfusion will be the last one since it won't take place until I am 31 weeks along. I won't get to see Paul much, but I will (presuming I don't start bleeding) get to spend at least 2 days with my kids! WOOHOO! I haven't been outside this hospital since 7:45am on July 5. The other thing I'm going to take advantage of while I'm at Paul's parents' house is the ability to shop online. I plan to finish buying the things I need (ex. something to carry him in when we go shopping and such) and want (letters that spell his name for his bedroom wall) in preparation for his arrival. If I am able to come home after the next transfusion, then I really want to go HOME, but I think it's best that I spend Tuesday and Wednesday at Paul's parents' house rather than at home (even though I'll miss Paul and our bed - there's just nothing like sleeping in one's own bed).



30w2d

One thing I keep forgetting to mention is that my belly button went from being an innie to an outie a few days ago. When I was pregnant with Nadia, it was stretched really thin, but at 36w when I had her, it still hadn't popped out. When I was pregnant with Ian, it popped out around 32w. This time it popped out around 30w. The ironic thing is that I weigh a lot less right now than I did at 32w with Ian or 36w with Nadia. It's definitely not about how much one weighs. They say your belly pops out faster with each pregnancy, and I'm assuming that's why my belly button has popped out earlier each time. Even with my shirt on you can often tell that my belly button has popped because the shirt (if it's size L) is taut around my belly. I notice it when I walk by a mirror. I don't have any stretch marks yet. I'm hoping I don't get any. We shall see.