Memory Lane

Throughout the year I hit different times when I remember things from the past. In the future years there will certainly be dates when I will be thinking about things that happened in December 2015 (my mom's diagnosis) and July 2016 (her death). Around each of my children's birthdays I reflect upon their birth stories and NICU stays. There are two events that I recall each October. The happy one is that Oliver was take off of oxygen and his apnea monitor on October 17, 2012. It was such a relief to be able to carry my infant without also carrying an oxygen tank and monitor. It was such a relief to not have any tubes and wires attached to my precious five pound two month old boy. The other one is far more painful. I remember my sixth and final pregnancy which resulted in my third miscarriage. At the time it happened my first two miscarriages were much harder to take emotionally because my arms were empty at the time. I grieved the second one the shortest amount of time because a few months later I found out I was pregnant with Nadia.

The first loss and last loss are the two that I still remember the most often. I think about the first one the most in June (when I found out I was pregnant) and July (when the ectopic pregnancy was ended). Sometimes when I am interacting with a child who would be the same age (he/she would be 10.5 years old now) I again feel some grief over the child we lost in 2005. Over the past three years I have shed many tears for the baby we lost in October 2013. That little one would be two years old now, and sometimes when I am interacting with another two year old I think about how the little one we lost would be the same age. A little part of me wishes we hadn't had any frozen embryos from the third egg retrieval. It would have been nice to end the trying to conceive journey on a positive note (Oliver's birth) rather than a miscarriage. I still have a couple of the positive hpts in my pajama drawer from October 2013. It's all I have to remember that little life. If we were younger and had more money, I'd have wanted to try again (via IVF) for a fourth child (maybe just maybe the sister that Nadia has wanted for years). I am eternally grateful for the three precious miracles whom I get to hug and kiss every day, but that doesn't mean I have forgotten the babies who went straight to heaven without ever having been in my arms.

Gramercy

Our pastor titled his three week series on gratitude with the archaic word "gramercy." Today I am thankful for #1 Paul bringing home pizza for dinner. Out of the blue this morning while I was doing school work with Nadia, Oliver came up to me and said "Daddy get pizza." to which Nadia and Ian immediately chimed in with similar requests. It is the first time I ever remember Oliver putting in a request as to what we were going to eat for dinner, and I was impressed that he realized the way we would have it would be if Daddy brought it home. So later I called Paul and asked him if he could bring home pizza, and he was happy to do so. All five of us love pizza!

#2 My parents made it safely to Chicago yesterday.

#3 Ian is REALLY taking off with his reading. I need to take a new video. He absolutely knocked my socks off this week as I had him start reading the second volume of the Level 1 reader (All About Reading), and he is doing a fabulous job. He read some for Paul this evening, and Paul was also thrilled. Way to go, Ian!!!

#4 I am so thankful for the many miracles that Oliver represents - overcoming placenta previa, fetal anemia, and being born 9 weeks early. Today I finally got around to looking up the IVF data for 2012 for the clinic we used. That year they did 142 IVF cycles, and 20 of those cycles were with fresh embryos from non-donor eggs of women who were between 38-40 years old. I was in that group, as I was 39 when the egg retrieval was done. Of those 20 cycles, 2 were cancelled prior to egg retrieval, 4 retrievals didn't make it to embryo transfer, and 12 embryo transfers did not result in a pregnancy. I was one of two women (out of 20) in that age range who did IVF at that clinic that year and ended up with a baby in her arms. 90% of the women didn't end up with a baby. Wow. Thank you, Lord!

#5 For the first 2+ months of the semester, Paul was getting up very early on MWF (sometimes before 5am and usually by 5:15). He has been staying in bed until at least 6am the last couple of weeks, and I greatly appreciate this. Now if we could just get Ian to sleep through the night again!

One year later

October 11, 2013 was the day I started miscarrying our last baby. A friend at church who is the same age as me was pregnant at the same time, but she didn't find out she was pregnant until she was 20 weeks along. Shortly after she found out she was pregnant she found out that due to a chromosomal abnormality, her fifth child would likely only live a few hours. They held a sort of baby dedication on Sunday morning a couple of days after her daughter died, and then the next week they had a funeral on Sunday afternoon. Many people were praying for the family, talking about their loss, sending cards, etc. I have never been through that experience, and I realize it's not at all the same as an ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage (which I have gone through three times), but still the contrast struck me on the stark differences between a baby living for two hours and a miscarriage. The grief is much more private and seems to be only experienced by the mother whereas so many cry over the death of a baby who lives for two hours. With my first miscarriage in July 2005, I felt that Paul and I were grieving

together, whereas in October 2013 I think Paul only felt a sense of relief and not any grief. So I haven't talked about my feelings with anyone. I miss that little baby whom I prayed for since January 2012 after he/she was frozen. Over the past  year I have wished we could do our fourth fresh cycle to try one more time to have a fourth baby, but Paul hasn't been open to that idea given our ages and also how difficult Oliver's pregnancy was. My brain understands his viewpoint, but my heart does not. I would go through another 10 weeks of bed rest for a

fourth baby. The truth of the matter is that God wanted us to have three children. I had a total of ten embryos transferred to my womb between five transfers (3, 1, 3, 2, 1). That could have resulted in anywhere from zero to ten children, and God's will was for us to have three. If we were younger I think we'd try a fourth fresh ivf cycle, but it seems our family is complete. I am extremely grateful for our three miracles!

It was easier to keep Oliver out of trouble during Nadia's soccer game today because her game was from 11-12, and I brought food so the boys could eat lunch during her game. Today went MUCH better in terms of potty training. Twice this morning he told me when he needed to go (once at home and once on the soccer field). Woo hoo! He had a total of four successes and one accident today. His accident was around 6pm, and again it happened about two minutes after I had him on the potty. I bought some treats (cars, coloring books, rubber duckie, etc.)

at two dollar stores this afternoon to use as an incentive since the candy isn't working. He will receive one of those treats if he pees on a regular toilet or poops on any potty. I'll continue to give him Goldfish for peeing on the froggy potty. I'm taking it to church again tomorrow. I didn't want to do that again, but I haven't been able to get him to pee on a regular potty yet. This afternoon he stayed at home with Paul because I took Nadia and Ian to the Woolly Worm Festival. They enjoyed playing a very large version of Chutes and Ladders (they had to

walk around the board), decorating woolly worm cookies with icing, painting woolly worms from egg cartons, watching a magic show, watching a puppet show, etc. They wanted to do some of the things that cost money (face painting, large inflatables, etc.), but I told them we plan to go to Knoebels soon, and that satisfied them. The magic show was excellent, and Nadia was pleased that she was up on stage during part of one of his rope tricks.

42

As a child and teenager and young adult I remember eagerly anticipating my birthday each year. You look forward to being a year older when you are young because of whatever new thing you get to experience at a particular age - getting one's ears pierced, driving a car, voting, going to college, getting a job, etc. Somewhere in my 20's I stopped feeling that way because I was single and longing to be a wife and mother. Then once I got married it didn't bother me until we realized that having a baby wasn't going to be easy for us, and then I really dreaded my birthdays because each one was bringing me closer to the big 40, which I viewed as the end of fertility. Once I had Nadia, birthdays became far more enjoyable. In terms of getting older, I actually think that getting closer and closer to 43 will help me because I now view that as the end of fertility. I'm hoping over the next year I can fully wrap my brain around the notion that our family is complete and that we are done doing ivf. On the other hand, I wouldn't mind at all if the gray hair reproduction could slow down just a tad. I don't have any desire to look older, ha ha! Maybe toting around these young children will make people think I'm a bit younger than I actually am. :)

This birthday certainly hasn't gone as planned. Life is like that some times. We had planned to go on a dinner and ballroom dancing date on Saturday night in Williamsport. The pastor's daughter was going to watch our kids for five hours (would have been our longest date in more than four years). My parents were planning to spend the night last night and be with us today to celebrate my birthday and take us out to eat at Bonanza. Paul was supposed to be in West Virginia interviewing today. That was the hardest schedule change to accept. He had a string of phone interviews that did not result in invitations to interview on campus, and then he finally received invitations to interview on campus for tenure track jobs in two states that are on our short list of states we'd like to live in - and he cancelled both of them. I am still in shock. Of course I want my husband to like his job, but it's rather disconcerting that he's 44 years old and has no idea what he'd like to do for a living, especially since he's currently the sole breadwinner for our family of five since I resigned from my position 15 months ago. We are probably going to put the house on the market even though we have no idea where he'll be working or where we'll be living. It seems highly unlikely that he'll have a job within 40 minutes of our house, and it doesn't make sense for him to have a really long commute to work. His current job ends on June 26, and our health insurance ends on May 30.

Paul did prompt the kids to wish me a happy birthday, but none of them ever sang to me today. My parents did sing to me on the phone, and my sister's family in Turkey did sing to me by Skype. Also, my Aunt Tina and Paul's mom both called me to wish me a happy birthday. Paul asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said I just wanted cards from the kids, but I guess he didn't have time to do that. In hindsight, I should have asked my mom to do that with them last week while I was in the hospital. Many times growing up I asked for ham for my birthday dinner because it's one of my favorite foods. I would have been perfectly happy with having leftovers tonight, but given the ordeal it was to get Nadia and Ian to eat the meal yesterday, I decided to pick up one large pizza after taking Oliver to the pediatrician earlier today for our dinner tonight. I'm not a big cake person so I didn't mind that we didn't have any cake, but I thought I'd swing by Dunkin Donuts and get myself a brownie batter donut on the way home from the doctor's office as my birthday dessert. They aren't making those any more as they switched to an Easter peep donut. I really think they should sell those year round as they are in my opinion the BEST donut ever. Well not having a dessert is definitely better for my waistline considering I didn't get any exercise last week.

The weather was really pretty the last two days, but I wasn't up to going to the park due to my fever. I was feeling better today so we did get to enjoy the gorgeous weather. I could handle having weather like this ALL year round. Unfortunately it was on said trip that Nadia accidentally ruined my cell phone, but I was able to reactivate my old cell phone so I am not without a phone any longer. Whew. The good news is that Oliver and I are out of the hospital. He got a good report at the doctor today. The pediatrician agrees that Oliver most likely has asthma, and so he wants us to continue giving him breathing treatments every day for at least two more months. He thinks this should help prevent another hospital stay. He thinks we should hold off a bit on seeing a pulmonologist.

Paul has been very busy grading the past few days, so it probably was for the best that we didn't go out on Saturday night. He gave me a card and two books for my Kindle. My parents got me new tires for the stroller and an external flash for my camera. I am SUPER excited about the flash. Paul is hoping this means I won't take so many pictures with the front door open in the dead of winter, ha ha! I can't wait to figure out how to use my new "toy". Except for doing some laundry, I gave myself the day off from cleaning even though the house is really in need of cleaning because the toilets didn't get cleaned (etc.) while I was in the hospital last week. Tomorrow I'll work on getting back on track with that. I had said that we wouldn't do schoolwork on any family member's birthday, but we did some today since they unexpectedly only had one day of school last week. The BEST part of my birthday was that I got to spend the day with ALL three of my children. I am so, so very grateful for them, even when they do things like throw up (which Ian did this evening). I love them dearly!

The last 5 days

When Ian came down with pink eye nine days ago, we went into "stay at home" mode. We skipped the co-op, only Nadia went to church last Sunday, I didn't go to handbell choir rehearsal last Monday night, and we didn't go to ladies Bible study last Tuesday. Life started to return to normal for the kids on Wednesday when they went to AWANA, and we did go to our two co-ops on Thursday and Friday morning. Oliver and Ian have gotten over their pink eye. Nadia and Ian seem to be  healthy again.

Oliver still has a cough, but his nose isn't running as much. Paul and I feel lousy. We both have really sore throats, runny noses, earaches, etc. I've had a fever. Paul has been coughing up a lung. We all want to get healthy in time to celebrate Paul's mom's birthday with her in a couple of weeks. Nadia had her next to last soccer game yesterday morning, and it was her second best ever performance. She again came VERY close to scoring a goal. We were proud of her. Another child's grandparent came up to us and commented on how much Nadia has improved. She's by no means the best player on the team, but she is a much bigger asset to her team than she was during her first season in the spring.

I had eight children in my 3rd-5th grade Sunday School class this morning (more than usual). The church's children's choir used to practice on Wednesday night, but they moved it to 10:00-10:25 on Sunday mornings so Nadia participated in the King's Kids choir for the first time today (in between Sunday School and church). Last week (when I wasn't there) she attended Super Church for the first time (the children's church program for kids in K-5th grade), and I think she was disappointed that I didn't let her go today, but I decided when our kids are in Kindergarten they will start attending the worship service with me.

We had lunch at church, and all three kids did a good job! Then we picked up Paul at home and headed to Williamsport to see a production of Rumpelstiltskin. It was very well done, and the kids (even Oliver!) paid attention and enjoyed it. I look forward to the day when Nadia is old enough to be on the stage of something like that. Then we came home, and I was able to watch my team win. Normally I would feel bummed about a 2-4 record, but after starting out 0-4, a 2-4 record seems much better. It's all a matter of perspective. Hopefully the Giants can end their 6 game losing streak tomorrow night.

Paul had his second peer observation on Wednesday night. He wasn't given any warning this time. I've submitted seven applications for him thus far, and I'm hoping to finish four more over the next few days. Those eleven applications are going to schools in PA (1), FL (2), SC (2), VA (1), NJ (1), IN (1), GA (1), and OH (2). I hoping that it won't take 88 applications this time around, and more importantly I'm praying for a tenure track job offer so we don't have to keep applying every year.

Last night we went on a date. Part of it included a stop at Rite Aid to buy Nyquil, Dayquil, cough drops, etc. We would have enjoyed it even more if we had been feeling better, but it still was nice to get out (just the two of us) for the first time in two months. A woman from our church who is a senior pre-med major babysat the kids for three hours. It was the first time in  more than a year that we paid a babysitter. The kids seemed to enjoy her. We'd like to get back in the habit of going out once a month, which we haven't been doing the last 17 months.

The reason for my lack of posting lately has been due to how I've been feeling emotionally. This miscarriage has hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. A woman at church today told me of a lady she once knew who had 11 children. She had a miscarriage in between her 10th and 11th child, and she said many couldn't believe she was upset about that miscarriage since she already had 10 children at home. The woman replied that she loved each child very much from the start. Having other children doesn't mean you don't grieve the loss of a child.

For me, the first two miscarriages were still harder since we had no children and wondered if we would ever have any, but the difference in emotional pain between those and this one is not as large as I thought it would be. While I was in the hospital during Oliver's pregnancy, I remember thinking that if the FET didn't result in a viable pregnancy, I would feel both sad and also a sense of relief as I dreaded the idea of being pregnant again. In reality, I haven't felt any relief. I've only felt sad.

Part of me feels like we need to try one more time asap (since I'm 41 years old), but actually I can't bring myself to go through another ivf cycle (and Paul would likely think I was insane for even contemplating it). If we hadn't ever pursued adoption before, I would be asking Paul to consider that, but I can't even think about doing our fourth home study, and I don't think we could afford it with me being a stay-at-home mom now. I thought over the past 14 months that I was completely adjusted to the idea that our family was complete, but I have discovered that actually I had been very aware of that frozen embryo that whole time. All the "lasts" didn't hit me as hard along the way because I didn't know at the time that it was the last time I'd nurse a baby, buy newborn size clothing, have people congratulate me on a pregnancy, feel a baby kick within me, wait for the ultrasound to find out the gender, cuddle my own tiny infant, etc. Now that I know Oliver will always be our youngest child, I find myself wanting even more to really savor every moment. As a silly example, he has a pair of brown dress shoes that used to be Ian's, but he doesn't have a pair of black dress shoes. Usually I'd think it frivolous for a 14 month old boy to own two pairs of dress shoes, but I have decided to buy him a pair of black dress shoes for Sundays. I won't ever be buying size 4 shoes again (at least not for a child of mine). Now is the time to do so. It's emotionally harder to sort through Oliver and Nadia's clothing when they outgrow things as I'm giving almost everything away, but the upside is that there is less clutter in our basement now that I know to only save Ian's things for Oliver.

I took two videos yesterday. Neither one is anything to write home about, but I figure their grandmas will enjoy seeing them. Nadia is really making great progress with her reading skills! She completed the Level 1 reading program and has started Level 2. Paul was impressed that she could correctly identify closed versus open syllables (we've started working on long vowels), as he didn't know what I was talking about at first. She also can correctly identify how many syllables a word has (from 1-4 syllables). We need to keep working on Ian's verses, but I will say that the new version of the Cubbies book is a lot harder (longer verses) than when Nadia did it two years ago. So there you have it, two videos, eleven pictures, and a lengthy post to make up for my lack of posting the past few days.

Reset Button

Since I was a child I longed for the day I'd become a Mom, and for a long time I dreamed of having 3 or 4 children. Aside from Paul I only had one other boyfriend. That man wanted to have lots of children, and I remember that in my discussions with him we had decided as a compromise that we'd have five children. This was back in my naïve days when I thought you had some control over how many kids you had. When I was dating Paul, I found out that he thought two kids would be more than enough, and so I remembering thinking that three might be a compromise between the four I hoped for and the two he wanted. When we got married, I figured the most kids we would have would be three, and when we pursued Ukrainian adoption, we had prepared three dossiers in case we adopted three siblings at the same time. I thought that after we had Ian that my desire to try ivf again would be gone because of how long it had taken us to have those two children and also what our ages were at that time, but it surprised me how badly I still wanted to have one more baby. It took Paul a lot longer to also have the desire to try for number three, and I was actually surprised that he changed his mind. I knew when we did the our third egg retrieval it would be our last. I was hoping against hope the Lord might use it to give us our third child, but actually my expectations were very low given how close I was to turning 40 years old. The Lord graciously gave me the desire of my heart and allowed me to give birth a third time. After I had Oliver, I had zero desire to be pregnant again. That was the first time in our then eleven years of marriage that I had felt that way. I thought maybe this was some of the good that could come out of that difficult summer in the hospital. The traumatic pregnancy had taken away my desire to have another baby, but we still had one frozen embryo since the RE only let us transfer two of them that time. It took a long time for me to work up the courage to start the FET process, but once I started stabbing my belly, I wanted to be pregnant again as much as I did in 2007 when we were trying ivf for the very first time.

Then I saw those two beautiful lines on the hpt. On the first day they were so faint I really kept my hopes down because it seemed just like the ectopic pregnancy, but when the line was much darker the next day, my hopes started going up even though I knew that implantation seemed to have taken place too late for it to be a viable pregnancy. When I found out that the pregnancy was definitely doomed, it was harder to take than I thought it would be. I kept thinking that because I already have three children at home and because my last pregnancy was so difficult, it would not be hard to deal with a miscarriage. I was wrong. I am struggling to have our ttc journey end on this sad note. If we hadn't had a frozen embryo, I am confident we would never have darkened the door of a fertility clinic again. A year ago I had no desire to try for a fourth baby, but going through the FET cycle and then seeing those two lines on the hpt stirred the desire within me for a fourth baby. However, I have zero desire to ever take another fertility medication again, and after all the failure we experienced throughout the adoption process, I have zero desire to do another home study and try to adopt a fourth child. I have tried to remind myself of what the last pregnancy was like to try to get myself back into the mindset of never wanting to be pregnant again, but I haven't succeeded thus far. I wish there was a reset button I could push to get my emotions and desires back to where they were a year ago. We never planned to try for a fourth child. We only did because our third ivf resulted in a baby and a frozen embryo, something that didn't happen with our first two rounds of ivf. I am not sure I will ever understand why God didn't allow all three embryos to be transferred in January 2012. Up until last week I thought the reason might be that we were going to have a fourth baby in the spring of 2014. Maybe the Lord took our little one to Heaven to protect me from an even more dangerous pregnancy. All I can cling to right now is what Job said, "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. May the name of the Lord be blessed."

Too Much

Saturday was a busy day with yard sale shopping and a three hour parenting seminar at church from 3-6pm. Sunday morning I left the house with Nadia at 8:15 to drive to Danville as I was playing handbells at that church's 9:00am service. Paul and the boys met us there, and then a little before the service ended I took the three kids to our church's 10:30 service as I was playing the flute in that service. I mowed the lawn Sunday afternoon. This morning I was exhausted and decided that something needs to give in our schedule. I signed Nadia up for the Friday morning co-op before I knew about the Thursday morning co-op. Although she has been enjoying both and is taking very different classes at each one, if I had to do it over again, I think I would have just picked the Thursday co-op because it's a little closer to home and also because Ian is taking three classes there as well. I signed the kids up for gymnastics before I decided to rejoin the handbell choir on Monday nights for four months.

I signed up for a ladies Bible study in Danville on Tuesday mornings before I knew that our church would be doing small group Bible studies on Heaven starting next Sunday evening. I am having a hard enough time keeping up with the homework for the Gideon study. I am not sure how I am going to handle doing the homework for two studies at the same time. I submitted two job applications for Paul last night, and I did it in a very hurried manner. I should have allowed more time for that task, as I had to revise his CV and cover letter. I had thought I could work on it during the football game yesterday, but our tv died on Friday and so we didn't watch any football yesterday (which isn't a bad thing as both of our teams are 0-4 this season. EEK!). Also, my energy levels are sagging a bit. I don't know if it's because I'm pregnant or just because of the hormones I'm taking five times a day. The good news is that most of these commitments are each for only 6-7 weeks (co-ops and Bible studies). For this week I decided to stay home tomorrow morning instead of going to the Gideon Bible study. I need one day with nothing on our agenda aside from our usual tasks such as homeschooling and such. We shall see if any other adjustments are necessary.

There are just a couple of weeks left in this session of gymnastics. I am thinking of taking a break during the next session and waiting until January to resume because it is a challenge to keep Oliver out of trouble for an hour as he wants to join in with the gymnasts. I won't be in handbells starting in January, which means Oliver can stay home with Paul while I take Nadia to gymnastics. Also, Ian really isn't doing very well. I don't think it's worth the $$ it costs for him to participate. I might only sign Nadia up for gymnastics in January. I feel badly for Nadia as the break is not ideal for her. She lags behind skill wise most of the kids in her class, but I cannot envision trying to keep both boys occupied for an hour during her class every Monday night in the Oct-Dec session. Soccer will also be wrapping up in a few weeks, so it might end up being a situation of going from feast to famine. She'll start playing basketball in January. At least they will still have AWANA each Wednesday night.

Big boy bike

The last weekend in September our town has a very large community yard sale. This year about 170 people paid to have their yard sales listed on the map. Many others held yard sales that weren't on the map. Some people start their yard sales on Friday, and so before I had signed the kids up for the seven week co-op that meets on Friday mornings or before I knew we'd be having the FET this Thursday, I had written yard sales on my calendar for yesterday and today. The kids did go to their co-op classes on Thursday as my parents met Paul and the kids there. Paul came home and took me to the hospital. We skipped the co-op yesterday because this RE says you are supposed to be on bed rest for 24 hours after the transfer. He defines that as only getting up to go to the bathroom. I waited until noon yesterday to get my shower, and then after I put the kids down for their naps (after my parents left to return home), I did a little yard sale shopping as the nurse had said after 24 hours I could resume normal activity. I was given a list of things I'm not allowed to do such as scuba diving or being in a hot tub, but that won't exactly put a cramp in my lifestyle, ha ha.

After Nadia's transfer I really took it easy for several days. This was obviously much harder to do after Ian and Oliver's transfers. I didn't even do 24 hours of bed rest after Oliver's transfer even though the RE told me to because I had to lift Ian, and obviously it didn't interfere with implantation. I truly have gone back to normal, and every time I pick up Oliver I have this momentary flash of guilt that I am not supposed to be doing this, but then I remind myself that the RE said it was fine after 24 hours, and of course most women carry on as usual when they are seven days past conception because they don't even know conception took place. I think part of the reason I keep feeling like I'm supposed to be taking it easy is because of the lengthy bed rest last summer, and my association with being pregnant is that I shouldn't be walking much or lifting at all, but I was never put under any such restrictions in the first 20 weeks of any of the pregnancies.

This morning Ian and I headed back out to the yard sales, and Paul took Nadia and Oliver to Nadia's soccer game, which was an away game about 35 minutes away from our house (same town where we go to co-op on Fridays). I missed Nadia's very best game. Bummer. Her first game she showed a lot of improvement, but then she didn't do very well at her second game (which was a night game and I think that was part of the problem). She missed her third game because it was at the same time as AWANA. Paul said she did a great job on both offense and defense today, and she came very close to scoring her first goal. He said she got the ball to herself and kicked it about 15 feet and it almost went in but it hit the goal post. I wish I had seen it!

One of my yard sale purchases was a $5 bike for Ian, his first two wheel bike. Nadia got one on her fourth birthday, but since his fourth birthday is in December (when he won't be biking much) I was hoping to find one this weekend. Nadia is still working on learning to ride without the training wheels.

Thankful Thursday

1. I got a haircut on Saturday at the mall. I had recently given Oliver and Paul haircuts, and I took Ian for a haircut last week so we're all set for a few weeks at least. :) I put my name in at the salon and took Nadia and Ian into Payless for new sneakers while I was waiting for my turn with a beautician. Paul watched the three kids while I got my haircut, and then we had dinner at Friendly's. Yum! I will know for sure after more time passes, but I actually think that she cut my hair the way I wanted it to be cut! Wonders never cease!!! It's been years since that's happened aside from my sister, Wendy, (who has no training in cutting hair) when she cut my hair in the hospital last summer.

2. Oliver took an almost 2 hour long nap yesterday afternoon. Usually many weeks pass by without him having any naps that exceed 60 minutes. It was a real blessing because he woke up at 5:45am yesterday (too early!) and had a shorter than usual morning nap (and his usual is only 30 minutes). I wish a 2 hour nap would become the norm, but it definitely helped yesterday while I was doing cooking and cleaning in preparation for my 24 hours of bed rest.

3. I got a massage this morning. I have had five massages over the past 12 years - one before each embryo transfer. A woman from church who sings in the choir recently got her massage license, and she came over to the house and gave me an hour long massage for $36. Some REs recommend doing acupuncture prior to an embryo transfer, but I've gone the massage route. The RE says it's very important to be relaxed, hence why they give me a Valium prior to the procedure. Since this will be our last embryo transfer, I'll have to come up with another reason to get one from time to time. :)

4. My parents drove up and met Paul and the kids at the co-op this morning and are staying until noon tomorrow to enable me to be on bed rest for 24 hours. When I hear the words "bed rest" my first reaction is one of panic after being on bed rest for 10 weeks last summer, but then I quickly remind myself it's just for 24 hours, and I won't be separated from my family this time. No big deal!

5. We're still enjoying our apples. I brought a box of nice apples to the co-op last week. The cooking class (older kids) will be making a dessert with them tomorrow. I made apple crisp yesterday. Yum!

6. The embryo survived the thaw. PTL! I consider this to be my sixth pregnancy. The first was ectopic in 2005, the second in my opinion was my first embryo transfer, three through five resulted in our three kiddos, and time will tell the results of this sixth pregnancy. I never enjoy the one week wait, but at least it's only one week! Technically My beta has been scheduled for October 8, which is 12 days from now, but if I get a + at home I know they will let me have it sooner. Prayers are greatly appreciated for the little one inside me now. Paul and I got to look at it in the microscope. The one unpleasant part, aside from them pressing on my very full bladder was that the OB who came in to help the RE with the procedure was the one who botched Ian's c-section. I could not believe it when he walked in. He said he recognized me, but I said nothing as I didn't want to talk about it right then and there. Praying for a BFP next Thursday!

Deja vu

This morning as I was standing up singing in church, I suddenly felt like I was going to faint. I could feel the color leaving my face, and I felt very hot and light headed. I sat down, fanned myself, and took deep breaths. You would think by now I'd know to expect such a thing to happen, but it totally caught me off guard. After my heart stopped racing I thought to myself, I'm not pregnant right now. Lord willing I'll be "PUPO" (pregnant until proven otherwise) as they say on Thursday, but right now our embryo is still in the hospital. It has to be the progesterone, and it makes sense because I remember in January 2011 I had a similar episode a few days before I got the +, and the first + was very faint so I am sure a couple of days before that I didn't have any hCG in my system yet. The rest of the day proved to be a bit of a challenge physically. I had similar episodes throughout the day, and I even had some heartburn after eating some chocolate. I've been eating a bit more chocolate than usual lately (brownies, chocolate chip pancakes, etc.) just in case I will be avoiding chocolate for the next 7-8 months.

Up until I was pregnant with Nadia, I had a very romanticized view of pregnancy. I'd see a woman's baby bump (and I've never had that appearance when pregnant) and have all these warm and fuzzy connotations. Being pregnant with Nadia changed that for me as I found out that pregnancy is rather uncomfortable physically (although emotionally it was very wonderful with Nadia and Ian) due to things like heartburn, gestational diabetes, and struggling to find a way to be comfortable in bed. After what I went through with Oliver, I now know that heartburn and not getting much sleep at night are very trivial things to deal with while pregnant. When I hold my sweet Oliver, I am quickly reminded that he was worth it all. If I see two lines next week, I will be praying earnestly for the placenta to attach in the proper location, but if the Lord's will is for me to go through another difficult pregnancy, it will be worth it in the long run. As uncomfortable as it may be at times, pregnancy is not a permanent condition. There will be an end in sight.

Right now I am focusing my prayers on Teresa. She's the embryologist who will be thawing and preparing our embryo on Thursday. Many doctors, nurses, and receptionists have come and gone from this clinic over the past 10 years, but she has been one constant. She has prepared all our embryos for transfer over the past six years. It's not a guaranteed thing for an embryo to survive the thaw, and I'm really praying about that this week. I'll be so anxious to get that report on Thursday morning. God is in control. Today I looked up the clinic's results for 2011 for the first time. That year they did 16 ivf cycles for women ages 38-40 (I was 39 at the time). Oliver is one of the four out of those sixteen that resulted in a live birth (all singletons). That year they did 41 cycles for women ages 35-42, and 10 of those resulted in a birth (nine singletons, no twins, and one set of triplets). The surprising thing is that the average number of embryos transferred was greater than 2 in every category. Obviously he let most women transfer three embryos. Why didn't he let us? If this FET results in a pregnancy, then I'll understand why the Lord didn't allow us to transfer three in 2011.

I also looked up their non donor FET statistics for women ages 35 and up. In 2011 four of eleven transfers resulted in a birth. In 2010 one out of ten resulted in a birth. In 2009 it was one out of three. In 2008 it was five out of nine. In 2007 it was two of nine, and Nadia was one of those two. Putting those five years together, 19.7% of the non-donor FETs (ages 35 and up) resulted in a birth. Nadia was 1 of the 13 babies born from those 66 transfers. Studying the statistics of course gives me no indication as to what will happen with our last embryo. The result is in God's hands. It would be amazing if the Lord chose to give Nadia the sister she has been longing for. Time will tell!

FET scheduled

This morning I took the kids to the co-op. It's supposed to last from 8:30-12:30, but I took Nadia out at 11:30 before her fourth class started because I had an RE appointment at 3pm, and I wanted us to have a little downtime at home before we drove to the hospital. This meant Ian was able to take his 1pm nap in his bed, but Oliver's naps were both in the van. He fell asleep at 11:30 and then again at 2:30 on the way to the RE. Paul met us at the fertility clinic so that we could both sign the consent forms (for thawing the embryo). As soon as he signed the forms, he took the kids home. After the ultrasound, I went to the pharmacy to fill the prescription the doctor gave me and also made a stop at the consignment shop. This morning was I do believe the last time in my life I'll give myself a shot in my belly. Over the past 10 years I've had 15 medicated cycles, and only one of those cycles (Tamoxifen in the summer of 2003) didn't involve at least one shot. I did two cycles of Clomid, seven cycles of injectibles, and this is my fifth ivf cycle. Right now I'm taking estrogen pills twice a day and progesterone suppositories three times a day. If the transfer does result in a pregnancy, I'll continue both medications for several weeks.

I'm supposed to be there at 11am next Thursday for a 12pm transfer. My mom is going to leave MD that morning and meet Paul at the co-op in Winfield (that starts at 9:15). She'll drive the kids home in our van at noon. I'm staying home at a woman from church is coming to our house to give me a massage from 9-10am. Paul will drive from Winfield to our house in my mom's car. At 10:25am Paul and I will drive to the hospital in his car. They give me a Valium prior to the procedure, so I can't drive myself home. Paul will be there for the procedure, but he can't take me home because he has a lab a 2pm (he normally has office hours on Thursday prior to the lab but he's going to reschedule them so he can be with me for the procedure). I need to find someone to pick me up at the hospital around 1pm and drive me home. My mom is going to stay with us until noon on Friday because I am supposed to be on bedrest for 24 hours after the procedure. Thank you, Mom! We're going to skip the co-op next Friday morning. If the blastocyst survives the thaw next Thursday, then I will be buying hpts and start testing on October 3 (13dpo or 7dp6dt). My due date would be June 13, 2014 for a baby whose life began on January 11, 2012. Prayers are greatly appreciated!!!!

Foto Friday

I picked the prints and CD up this afternoon from our photo shoot last month! Here are a few of my favorites. I will share some more in the coming days.

Nadia had her first experience with a homeschool co-op today. We left our house at 7:55am to drive to Mifflinburg where she had four hours of classes with 13 other children ages K-3rd grade. There were also classes for the older students. I was hoping there would be other moms to visit with in the nursery, but Ian, Oliver, and I had the nursery to ourselves. We also spent some time outside at the church's small playground. I was able to do some reading on my Kindle while the boys played. She used watercolors in her art class, did science experiments, participated in a Bible class, had a snack, and cut out pictures of mammals from magazine.

After it was done, we spent about 45 minutes in a McDonald's PlayLand before heading to the library for their Peach Party in honor of the Roald Dahl's birthday and the 50th anniversary of the book James and the Giant Peach. We were the only ones who showed up for the party! Miss Mary (the librarian) had fun activities planned. Nadia and Ian enjoyed the craft, eating peaches, and playing games with orange balloons.  Yesterday the ivf nurse called me to say the RE wanted me to come in for an ultrasound today. Previously they had told me I wouldn't need to come back this quickly. I told her that my schedule was very full for tomorrow. I had called on Wednesday, and usually they call me back the same day. I could have easily gone in for an ultrasound on Thursday if they had called me back on Wednesday. I told the nurse that over the past nine years I had done more than 10 medicated cycles with them, and every single time I got the "all clear" report from the day 2 or 3 ultrasound. I asked her if she could ask the doctor if it was really necessary for me to come in today. Thankfully, he agreed to let me skip it. Paul picked up the pills and some additional needles yesterday evening on his way home from work. I am still taking one Lupron injection each morning, and as of today I am also taking one estrogen pill twice a day.

My next appointment is scheduled for the 20th, and Paul will meet me there so we can both sign the consent. If all goes well at that appointment, they'll give me the last prescription (progresterone suppositories) and schedule the embryo transfer. Please keep praying! It would be amazing if this resulted in our fourth child and the pregnancy didn't resemble Oliver's. From a statistical standpoint, one would say the chances are very low, as with Nadia (another single FET) they said we had about a 15% chance. We have had four embryo transfers thus far (nine embryos altogether), and three of those have resulted in births. The only transfer that didn't result in a pregnancy was the first one, which was a three day (embryo) transfer. The other three transfers were all five day (blastocyst) transfers. This upcoming transfer will also be a five day (blastocyst) transfer. Our experience has been very different than most of the patients at this clinic (as seen by their annual statistics). God is in control.

I keep reminding myself of that because part of me keeps wondering why we weren't allowed to transfer three embryos in January 2012, as we had in the past. If that had happened, we wouldn't be doing a FET right now. Although I'm nervous about possibly experiencing another difficult pregnancy, I'm also dreading ending our ttc journey on a sour note with a negative hpt. I have had a good taste in my mouth (so to speak) from our ttc efforts from Nadia's positive (11/07) to Oliver's (1/12), which is not something I've taken for granted after staring at many negative hpts from 2002-2007. Which ever way this turns out, I am looking forward to knowing the end result. As I was sorting through the kids clothes recently, I was wondering if I should hold on to the things Oliver and Nadia have outgrown or not (I am saving Ian's for Oliver). I am very grateful for our three precious children, and I can definitely be content if our family is complete, although I am sure there will still be a little sadness over the loss of this final embryo, if it doesn't result in a pregnancy. This is my very last trip on the ttc emotional rollercoaster. Thank you, Lord. After 11 years, I've had enough.

Safari!

 

Today we made our second trip to Lake Tobias. Our first visit there was almost exactly two years ago. I think as long as we live within a reasonable distance of Halifax, PA, we will be making an annual trip there. It's a really nice place to take kids! There are some animals in enclosures (tigers, lions, bears, monkeys, parrots, etc.), but most of the animals are roaming about and can be seen while taking a Safari ride. The buses they use were school buses, and the top part of the bus has been removed. The animals are well trained to come right up to the bus. If you'd like, you can pet a watusi, bison, antelope, water buffalo, alpaca, emu, Texas longhorn, llama, etc. They also have a petting zoo area where the children fed goats, camels, etc. In the reptile building they were able to pet an alligator and a snake.

As we were about to leave this morning, I snapped a photo of Oliver in his car seat because I wanted to compare his picture today to that taken on 9/2/12 when he was in a car bed for the first time as he was discharged from the NICU that day. One of the things that has me a bit nervous about the prospect of possibly being pregnant again is that I'm terrified of having a fourth child be in a NICU. The truth is that it's now a distant memory now that Oliver has been home for a year. Yes, it's difficult to go through at the time, but it doesn't last too long (although it might feel that way when you're going through it). He was absolutely worth all we went through during the pregnancy and the first 10 weeks of his life when he was on oxygen and such. I am so thankful that he has been so healthy over the past year. Aside from the two eye appointments to make sure he didn't have ROP and the two appointments involved with getting him off the oxygen, he has only had well baby visits over the past year. Thank you, Lord! He should have had urology surgery some time over the past year, but we were waiting until we were on Blue Shield insurance so we could have the surgery at CHOP rather than at our local hospital. Hopefully we'll get our ID number this week so I can finally schedule his first urology appointment.