Blogging for 4 years

I started this blog on 12/22/06 to chronicle our adoption of 2-3 children from Ukraine. God had other plans in store for our family! I am copying Joy's idea and listing the 11 posts that had the most comments over the past 4 years. Over the last 4 years over 1,500 comments have been posted on my blog. I greatly appreciate comments as well as messages on Facebook and emails in reference to one of my posts! Eight of the posts listed below were from 2008, one from 2007, and two from 2009. No posts from 2006 or 2010 had at least 10 comments. Fifty-seven of the 129 comments listed below came within four days of Nadia's birth. Two of the posts were about Ian (the pregnancy announcement and the birth story), and the other nine posts were about Nadia. I haven't changed the url, but a couple of months ago I changed the title of the blog from "Journey to our children" to "Journey with our children" because it seems that unless there is a surprise in the future, our family is complete.

23 - NST (6/23/08)
13 - Birth Story! (6/25/08)
11 - Birth Story (12/13/09)
11 - We're thinking PINK! (3/4/08)
11 - Firsts (6/28/08)
10 - PREGNANT! (11/9/07)
10 - Baby Registries (1/20/08)
10 - She has a name! (5/16/08)
10 - Stats (6/26/08)
10 - Huggies?? (9/13/08)
10 - Two Lines!!! (5/11/09)

I also have been thinking about 12/22/09. What a VERY happy day that was! Ian was released from the NICU. It seems wrong to say this, but honestly that day (12/22) was happier for me than the day of his birth (12/12). I knew when I gave birth on 12/22 that he'd be heading to the NICU, and I knew from our experience with Nadia what a horribly stressful experience that would be. I also knew that I wouldn't get to hold him on the day of his birth, and I knew that due to H1N1 I would be experiencing a long separation from Nadia. Up until that point I hadn't spent even one day (or one night) apart from her. We did have a little contact a few times during those 11 days, but it was still very, very hard to be separated from her that long. The day I was able to come home from the hospital, sleep in my own bed (I should say just sleep in ANY bed since the last few days I was at the hospital I had no bed), be reunited with my daughter, and bring my son home was a VERY happy day. It has been SOOO wonderful to be a family of four the past year!

Dinner Date!

Last night Paul and I went out to dinner. It was our second dinner date over the past 8+ months. The last one was in February for Valentine's Day. At first I was planning on going to Olive Garden as it's one of my most favorite restaurants and I had a $4 coupon (from Paul's parents' newspaper), but I was looking online to see if any of the restaurants were having specials, and TGIF caught my attention. They have quite a few options of 3 course meals that are $12.99 (or $16.99 if you're getting something like steak or shrimp). My chicken dish was so large that I  brought half of the chicken home as well as all of the angel hair pasta that came with it. I was pleasantly surprised when the waitress brought us two breadsticks prior to our appetizer. That's one of the reasons I love Olive Garden so I was happy that I still got to eat one breadstick with my dinner. My favorite part was the peanut butter pie. They just gave a small portion, but it was the perfect size and was extremely delicious!!!! After dinner we went to Lowe's to exchange what we thought were two ceiling light fixtures for Ian and Nadia's bedrooms that were actually light kits to attach to ceiling fans. OOPS! Thankfully they didn't give us any problem with making the return even though we bought them almost 8 months ago. Our last stop was at Walmart where we bought a flotation device for Nadia to use in Florida, a casserole dish for me, sand toys for Nadia, and a bicycle pump for Paul (our wheelbarrow tire is flat). Aside from the time when Paul called his mom on the phone, it was great to have almost 3 hours of conversation with my hubby.

I was thinking we need to do this more often until I found out Ian only drank 2 ounces while we were gone, and he cried most of the time. He was happy and smiling when we got home. I nursed him a little and gave him one more ounce by bottle, but by that time he was very tired. I put him down at 8:25 and unfortunately he woke up at 11pm, 2:45am, and 5:25am. The longest stretch was only 3 hours. It was the worst night in a long time. I also don't think they fed Nadia anything last night after we left and she had only had a slice of cheese before we left. She made up for it this morning. Between 7:30-10:00am she ate 2 packets of oatmeal, 90% of a yogurt, many raisins, an entire banana, and a packet of fruit gushers. That's WAY more than she usually eats for breakfast. My girl was hungry! I hope they are able to get Ian to consume more milk today. I'm doing two peer observations (12pm and 1pm) and have a faculty meeting at 2pm. Including driving time I'll be gone about 4.5 hours. I really hope tonight is a better night as I am pooped. My fever is worse today than it was yesterday. I am hoping I feel better by Monday as that's when I rescheduled the play date with Evie and her daugher Desi.

The good news is that Ian is doing a great job with being weaned off the shield. No tears! He actually seems to prefer nursing without the shield. Yay! Also I weighed him this morning and with nothing but a dry diaper on he weighed 9lb 10.5oz. Yahoo!!! At the doctor's office he had a wet diaper on. I weighed the wet diaper that I took off right before I weighed him with a dry diaper, and it weighed 3 ounces. So my guess is that he weighed about 9lb 6oz on Tuesday if he had been weighed with a dry (vs. wet) diaper since he weighed 9lb 8oz at the doctor's office with a wet diaper. So I think he gained 4.5 ounces the past 3 days! He has been spitting up a LOT as he spits up more when he's congested (which he is) and when he gets more by bottle, but even with all this spitting up he's gaining weight at a faster pace. I am praying he'll hit 10 lbs by May 1. I think the length measurement was wrong. The outfit he's wearing today used to come to his ankles and now it only comes to his knees. Tomorrow I am going to put a 3-6 month outfit on him to see how that fits. Also his 0-3 month pants no longer fall off of him. Most of his 0-3 month clothing still fits, but maybe he's at least outgrowing a few of them. We looked for swim trunks for Ian at Walmart yesterday, but the smallest size they had was 12month which would never work! One last bit of good news regarding Ian is that he rolled over yesterday (belly to back). YAHOO! I also have been giving him toys to hold, and he does hold them. My answers to the questions the nurse asked would be different if his appointment was today. I have been doing really short periods of tummy time a few times a day the last few days. He also laughed during his bath on Wednesday. What a change! His naps weren't very long yesterday, but he did take 3 short naps in his crib. His first nap this morning was about one hour long. Much better.

1,000th Post

This is my one thousandth post! I am sure a few people, such as my mom, have actually read all those posts. I started this blog in December 2006 shortly after we started the process to adopt two children from Ukraine. When I started this blog, we had already tried to adopt a newborn within the US for 2 years and tried to conceive for 4 1/2 years. We had lost one baby in July 2005. Early in the summer of 2007 we found out that our 2.5 year contract with Lifetime was coming to a close without us ever being presented with a possible match with a birthmother and also that our translated dossier was going to expire in Ukraine before it was submitted to their government agency that processes adoptions. In light of those two "closed doors" we signed a contract with a different domestic newborn adoption facilitator and also began our first cycle of IVF. That summer it was very hard to understand why trying to conceive and trying to adopt (both domestic and international) were so difficult for us. I really thought by 2007 we'd finally become parents through adoption. However God had another wonderful plan for our family. It's amazing to think that in October 2007 we were still childless (having lost the 3 embryos transferred that August), and now 2 years later we have a precious 15 month old daughter and are expecting our son to be born in 3 months (I'm 25 weeks today). Praise the Lord!

I'm sure it's pretty obvious, but I love being a Mommy!! Of course every "rose" has its "thorns." For me, I'd say the thorniest part of being a parent has been the sleep deprivation. Those first four months were tough, and although I cannot wait to hold my son in my arms, I admit I'm dreading the weeks and possibly months of getting very little sleep. I got a brief taste of it again last night as Nadia woke up sometime after midnight and didn't go back down until almost 4am. Monday night she woke up crying at 10pm, and I gave her Tylenol and let her rest on top of me while I was in bed for about 20 minutes and then she easily went back down in her crib. Last night Paul had a hard time putting her down to bed, so he kept her up until I got home (a little after 8pm). I gave her Tylenol and put her down. She fell asleep about 8:15pm, about an hour later than usual. When she first awakened in the middle of the night, I went and brought her to our bed and she actually fell asleep on me. It was very peaceful listening to Paul & Nadia sleep, but of course I was also wanting some sleep! So I took her back to her crib, but she immediately started crying. I let her cry awhile, and then went and got her and gave her Tylenol and again she fell asleep on me in our bed. Again she screamed when I took her back to her crib. After letting her cry awhile, Paul tried giving her milk and rocking her, but she just kept crying even in his arms. I brought her back to our bed, but this time she just wanted to play, and it was 3:30am! After awhile I took her back to her crib and thankfully this time she finally fell asleep after crying just a few minutes. She slept from 4-7:30am and was very fussy in the morning until after her morning nap, which thankfully was 2 hours long (much longer than usual). She's been sneezing a lot the last couple of days, and today whenever she sneezes, junk comes out of her nose. She at least has a mild cold. If we have another rough night tonight (I hope not!), I am going to ask a doctor to look in her ears tomorrow morning when I have my OB appt. She doesn't have a fever, but she definitely doesn't feel well.

The outfit she's wearing today (see the picture above) was a yard sale purchase. I never used to shop at yard sales, but I have quickly become a fan of them! :-)

Bow the Knee

A couple of songs that we've sung lately in choir have really spoken to me. A few weeks ago we sang "Thank You for the Valleys" by Cindy Berry. She happens to be one of my favorite composers (as evidenced by my books of piano arrangements). If you click here, you can listen to the song. I can't say when I've been in a "valley" that I've ever been thankful for it. To be honest, even once I've been out of the valley I am not generally thankful for the valley itself although at times I have gotten to the point where I could be thankful for what I learned during that time or for how it led to something else that was good. I agree with Cindy though that the valleys have drawn me closer to Him.

Last night one of the songs we rehearsed was "Bow the Knee" (click the link if you want to listen) which is arranged by Tom Fettke (another great composer). The gist of this song is that during those times in life when life doesn't make sense to us that we need to trust the heart of our Father. It reminds me of the verse "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding..." I used to remind myself often that my job was to trust, not to try to understand. We started ttc in May 2002, and a year later had begun medical treatments. I kept hoping that the next new thing would be what would lead to us becoming parents - Clomid, then injectibles, then an IUI, then domestic adoption, and the valley got much deeper in July 2005 when we lost our first baby. Then we pursued additional ways to adopt including int'l adoption. The deepest point of the valley came in June 2007. At that point we had done 10 medicated cycles with RE's (7 of which were injectibles), tried to adopt through Lifetime for 2 1/2 years as well as been presented a few times by a lawyer in FL, and had sent 2 dossiers to Ukraine yet were no closer to becoming parents than when we started ttc 5 years earlier. So we signed a contract with a different adoption facilitator and started the ivf process. Finally in November 2007 we got to see our baby on the u/s screen for the first time ever!! I was finally out of the valley! Of course that's not to say everything in life has gone smoothly since then, but honestly the ups and downs of life the past 16 months seem like a plateau compared to the deep valleys of ttc and adopt for 5 1/2 years.

This is the main thing that scares me about doing ivf again. I don't want to go through another ttc valley of another miscarriage. Yet the thought that I might be holding Nadia's brother or sister in my arms in 2010 makes me want to get on the rollercoaster again. I pray this ride ends on the wonderful note that our FET did, but either way I need to trust my Father. I feel like saying to Him that I know I can learn so much through valleys, but could I learn those things through other kinds of valleys? Haven't I experienced a long enough ttc valley already? I know the next ttc and/or adoption valley won't be 5 1/2 years long. I'm sure we'd decide to just have one child long before then. Although I do really, really want another child, I do find some consolation in knowing if we encounter a valley again we won't be in it as long this time around. I just need to keep reminding myself again and again that God is in control, and He loves me.

Driver's License

On my way to the baby shower today, I plan to stop and have my photo taken for a new driver's license. They are renewed every 4 years here in PA, and I moved to PA in 1996. Here's the ironic thing. Presuming that we move sometime in the next few months (ideally we'd move in May or June before our daughter is born), my driver's license will be incorrect for most of the four years it's valid. I'll be needing to also carry one of those change of address cards in my wallet along with the license. This means that from April 2000-March 2012 my license would have been accurate for only about 15 months as I moved in January 2001 (9 months after renewing my license) and July 2004 (3 months after renewing my license). My license from 2000 was incorrect both with name and address (as I also got married in 2001); at least it's only been the address that's been wrong since then, lol. To add to the irony, Paul will hopefully complete his PhD in May 2012 which means we'll likely be moving again that summer. So if we stay in PA, it means from April 2000-March 2016 my license will have been accurate for about 18 months total! We seem to move shortly after getting my license renewed every time! Our hope is that the move in May 2012 will be the last one for a very, very long time. Actually, I remember saying when we moved into THIS house in July 2004 that I sure hoped we lived here for decades not years, but that was when we assumed Paul would keep working in the family business which he actually left in December 2005 to go back to school for his master's degree and since then he decided he also wants his doctorate. Probably the only scenario that would mean we would NOT have to move in 2012 would be if he was hired by the university where he is now working in his master's degree OR the university where I am currently teaching. I guess that's not impossible, but probably not something to count on either!
I also have to say again how much I LOVE feeling my daughter move within me. Yesterday it just about brought me to tears (happy ones of course) as I thought of all the years I had looked forward to experiencing this very thing and had awhile ago come to the conclusion I would never experience. It also makes me want the next few months to fly by as when I feel her move it makes me long so intensely for the moment I can hold her within my arms. Last May was such a low point for me as my hopes of adopting in the US through Lifetime and in the Ukraine through Ukrainian Angels were being dashed. Well now of course I see that God had a different plan in store for us - a wonderful one indeed. I am thinking today of those who completed their dossiers around the same time we did (last spring). Although each of us might have FedExed our dossier to the same translator - the outcomes were so different for each. Some had theirs submitted before they expired, some had to redo their dossier before it was submitted, and of course we opted to not redo ours. The outcomes were also very different for each one who traveled to UA. Kathy & Matt came home not that long ago with a beautiful little girl, and Rita & Drew are coming home soon empty handed after being in UA for about a month and visiting three different children. I can only imagine the heartache they are going through right now. I am praying that in time they will discover what plan God has in store for them instead of adopting from UA.

WOW!

Well the word "WOW" is the best way I can summarize a few things that happened today at ladies Bible study. First, Heather (the leader) came up to me and said that she is going to ask some ladies to meet together at church on Nov 1 to pray during the time the embryo is being thawed and cultured. She asked if I would send a detailed list of things they can pray for. That blew me away -a group of women taking the time to make a trip to church to pray for an hour for our little tiny baby.

Then later as I was walking to my small group a woman (who is not in my small group) said that she had been thinking of sharing an idea with me but had needed to talk to her husband first. She said she had talked to her husband, and he had agreed. She asked if we had considered surrogacy and said she would be willing to do that for us. Wow. I was stunned. We have never considered that since conception has seemed to be our roadblock (due to only 3% normal sperm). The RE said he usually suggests couples 35 or older use donor eggs, but he said in light of the high quality of our embyros he doesn't even suggest donor eggs. And they've never found anything wrong with my uterus, so I don't think it's that I can't carry a baby (at least that hasn't been indicated thus far). Anyhow that was such an incredible offer to make. What a huge thing to be willing to carry someone else's baby for them!!!!

Then I went into small group and before we got started some of the ladies started asking me more information about the FET. I had written it down on the prayer list every week, but I hadn't ever talked about it. ALL of them started crying. I do mean ALL the ladies in the room. I said - wait a minute, I am the one on hormone shots - not you, LOL! Then one lady said let's pray for her NOW and so before we started the study we all held hands and one woman prayed and everyone was crying. I was so moved. I actually cried the least of anyone in the room. I think I am trying so hard to keep my emotions in check. Anyhow it just blew me away - the compassion was extremely evident. And the comments some made were so insightful about how wow it must be hard for you when people complain about their kids, etc. I could tell they were seeing things in a new light. All of them are mothers (and some also grandmothers). They kept saying they had no idea all that was involved in this process. I tell you if this little embryo grows into a little baby we can hold in our arms - I know of several women who will love this little one and recognize what a miracle he or she is.

Finally, one woman shared at how amazed she is at how I handle this. Several said that from the outside it's not obvious what I've been going through and they can't believe how happy I am. One talked about how she can sense God's presence through my music at church. Their main point was that they feel that God is using this infertility so that I can be a testimony for others. Although I was getting extremely embarassed at all the attention being given in my direction and was really wanting the conversation to switch to a new topic, I have to say it did help me to remember that God can work all things out for good. He is in control, and there's a reason I've been waiting so many years to become a mom.

So again I say WOW. Wow that a woman I don't know very well at all and rarely ever talk to would be willing to be a surrogate if we wanted to pursue that. Wow that the ladies in my small group care so much about me, Paul, and our little tiny embryo that they were all moved to tears. Wow that several of them are going to gather at church for an hour on Nov 1 to pray for a successful thawing and transfer of our little tiny baby. Heather always refers to the embryo as a boy. Who knows? Maybe she's right. I hope we find out in a few months on a ultrasound.

On another note, as many of you know I have at times been wrestling with whether we made the right decision this summer about not redoing our dossier for Ukraine. Now honestly I should just rest in the knowledge that Paul was 100% adamant that we not redo the dossier so really there was no decision to make on my part, but I have had the "what if..." moments along the way particularly when our translator was able to submit 3 other dossiers in Aug/Sept that were sent in April/May (ours was sent the first week of April). When one couple who sent theirs in May was submitted in August and they got an appt for Dec, I thought oh that would have been perfect to travel over at that time of year in between semesters. But then last week I found out that Kathy's (who sent hers the same day as we did (in April) but hers was tied up in customs so Valentina got ours one week before she got Kathy's) appointment is for late January. I had a huge sense of relief as that would NOT have worked for us. So I have peace about that now. I must keep trusting that God has a good plan, and I am hoping the wait is almost over whether it means we'll soon find out I'm pg or it means we'll be matched with a birthmother.

Paid for the FET

Well I needed to prepay the $2,250 for the FET prior to our appointment Thursday morning, so I called this afternoon to pay by credit card. I used a card that has a 2% rebate so that will be $45 in gift cards for us for either Applebee's or Bennigan's (our usual choices anyhow). Soon I'll be resuming the daily Lupron shots. I am ready to go. In some ways I've been in a 2ww since August 1 as that's when this little life began = a 2ww that will be longer than 3 months!

Today was the first day of the fall ladies Bible study at my church. We're studying the book of Ruth. When I introduced myself in the small group time, I teased that no one should forget my name in this study, LOL! Ladies Bible study is always a bit bitter sweet for me. Most women who go to a day time Bible study are moms. I am one of the few who has a FT job but is able to come to Bible study at 9am on Tuesday mornings. So sometimes comments are made that make me want to say OUCH. And that has happened at every church's ladies Bible study I've been to the past several years so I am not picking on mine! For example many times a small group leader will refer to everyone in the room as moms. We mothers.... I would prefer they'd use the term "ladies" as we are all ladies but not all moms. Cheri is going with me to this study as she's 50 years old and also not a mom although she tried both to conceive and adopt. She only had one ectopic pregnancy. Well anyhow after the video part we break into small groups, and when I sat down in my room I heard a woman (I've never met before) who was obviously VERY pg complaining about being pg. She said something like the only thing she's enjoyed this whole pgcy was in the 2nd tri she enjoyed feeling the baby move. I got up and walked out of the room. It's one thing for me to see her big pg belly (and she's been married less than one year so obviously had no troubles ttc) but then to hear her complain? That was too much for me. I am sure there are uncomfortable things about being pg. But what a gift!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She has a little baby girl growing inside her. And she didn't have to endure hundreds of shots and pay thousands of dollars for this gift either!!! But then I have to say on the flipside, another woman who was not in my small group today but was in my small group this summer, asked to talk to me privately. She wanted to let me know herself that she is pg. I can't begin to tell you how much compassion I saw in her eyes. I actually thought she might start crying. She had that much sympathy for me as to how I might take her news. I told her as long as she didn't complain to me about being pg, I'd be okay. I kept assuring her this is happy news. Some people DO get it. Some people understand what it's like to be trying for 5 years to be pg and see others getting pg all the time. Of course I need to say this lady who was complaining didn't know me At All or know what I've been through. Maybe she wouldn't have said what she said had she known.

So anyhow I feel a little emotional this afternoon. To be honest, there was another time I dropped out of ladies Bible study part way through a study (at another church) because the mom type comments just got to me so much I didn't want to go any more. I am not expecting that to happen this time, but I wish going to ladies Bible study wasn't a bit of a painful experience emotionally. I don't think I'd be welcome at the men's Bible study though, LOL! Somehow I doubt they constantly refer to themselves as all being fathers ...but I could be wrong. That's just a guess on my part.

One thing I did tell myself though is that this is a good reminder of why I should never complain. I remember when I was single being frustrated when married women would complain about their husbands. Or how frustrated I get now when women say to me - be glad you don't have kids and then they tell me what they think the perks would be of being childless. Totally inappropriate comment to make in my opinion. But how many times do I complain about something that someone else would be thrilled to have? For example maybe I complain about my job and there are many unemployed people. So that is the lesson I am trying to learn from my experience today - another reminder of why I should have a grateful attitude and not complain.

Lastly, I have still been trying to figure out why I feel so upset lately about the ttc/tta stuff. Another thought hit me. So many compare stages of adoption to stages of pregnancy. Everyone says once you start your home study or sign a contract with an agency that's like getting a + on a pregnancy test. Well in that case I've been pg for 35 months now as we started our first home study in November 2004. On March 3 I had posted a synopsis someone had done of comparing the stages of a Ukrainian adoption to pregnancy. According to that timeline (which someone else wrote) we were in our third trimester after sending our dossier to Ukraine in April. So I guess if the analogy were to be continued in our situation (an unsuccessful attempt) it's like we had a pregnancy loss. For several months I had been praying for "our children" that I falsely assumed were in an orphanage in Ukraine. Well anyhow I am just saying that I think the failed attempts to adopt coupled with losing 6 embryos in August is a lot to go through in one summer. I think I am still in the grieving process in some regards.

But God is in control. That's one of the main messages of the book of Ruth. Life sure didn't make sense to Ruth & Naomi at different stages in their lives, but God did have a plan for them, and He has a plan for Paul & I. And no, if I do ever have a child, I'm not going to name him Obed, LOL.

I thank you for praying for my weekend in VA. It went much better than expected and even included a dinner with my parents (who came down to my hotel to pick me up) which was a nice treat. And I am also feeling better. I am not 100%, but my temperature doesn't go up as often or as high and same goes for my headache. I am hoping we will get a good hard frost soon and that should "cure" my allergies. But since the temps are in the 80's right now I doubt a frost will be happening any time soon! At least when Paul's not home I can leave the windows shut and that definitely helps.

Feeling better physically

I should have asked people to pray for me sooner than I did!!! Yesterday afternoon/evening I was fever free for many more hours than I had been in 2 weeks, and that has continued today. The headache has returned a few times throughout the day, but even if I wasn't feeling well just driving for over 5 hours would have that effect on me especially since the last 4 miles of the trip took almost 90 minutes (literally!). So I am greatly relieved that I feel like I am getting close to feeling back to normal. I am very thankful as it was getting very tiresome to always feel like my face was on fire; it really was zapping my energy.

Secondly, I have to say I am feeling greatly relieved about the amount of work needed to be completed this weekend. Yes, I am up at 10:10pm which is VERY rare for me. I sometimes go to bed as early as 9pm and am almost always in bed sometime between 9:30-10:00. And I'm still up because I'm working on accreditation reports. But the good news is that there are seven people doing 17 reports. 13 of these need to be reviewed by 2 people, and 4 have already been reviewed once so only one person has to review them this weekend. I had been assigned to do 3 lead reviews and then be a second reviewer on one report. When Ron realized I had been assigned 3 of the 10 longest reports to do, he took over one of mine as he hadn't been assigned any yet (he's in charge - the other 6 of us had each been assigned certain ones to do). So that means just two lead reports and one second report. I think I'll be done by late tomorrow afternoon. BIG sigh of relief!!

I have to say though I am still struggling emotionally. I am not 100% sure why it is all hitting me so hard lately. I just feel extremely discouraged. I just wonder how long I can keep going through all these adoption and ttc efforts without seeing any success. In some senses it is good we are no longer putting all our "eggs" in one basket (Lifetime), but on the other hand I think it is leading to an increased level of discouragement on my part. It's hard enough to have one thing seem to be "failing," but so far in 2007 we've gone 9 months without any progress with Lifetime, 3 months without any progress with Cathy, lost 6 babies to IVF, and had a failed attempt at adopting 2-3 children from Ukraine due to our dossier expiring before being submitted to the SDA.

I think part of the emotional trauma has come from all that we have expended in these efforts. We paid about $10K for adoption in 2004, but in 2005 & 2006 our expenses were rather minimal. So we didn't lose very much money. This year has been the complete opposite. We've spent more in 2007 towards trying to become parents than 2002-2006 combined between Ukraine adoption, Cathy for domestic, and IVF. I am a penny pincher and to have spent about $20K this year on adoption and ttc and have nothing to show for it is really, really depressing and overwhelming. Plus it's the year by far that the most has been invested physically. Although I only did one medicated cycle so far (#2 starting soon), this was a FAR, FAR more intense physical investment. I have to admit the thought of going through another egg retrieval almost brings me to tears as I remember vividly throwing up and passing out for 6 hours after the surgery was over plus of course the excruiating, painful surgery. Can I really put myself through this again??? As a frame of reference in 2003 we did 2 medicated cycles (1 Tamoxifen, 1 Clomid), in 2004 we did 4 medicated cycles (1 Clomid & 3 inj of which one was with iui), in 2005 we did 3 inj/iui cycles, and in 2006 we did 1 inj/iui cycle. I want to be a mother so badly I doubt I'll ever give up trying to adopt, but truly sometimes I wonder how long I can keep persevering. As I said before, I don't even know if I can put myself through another home study in January. I feel like asking if there is an epidural or anesthesia that can be used for a home study? I'd truly like to be unconscious and wake up when it's over if I truly have to go through that AGAIN for the fourth time for child #1. But maybe we'll get our miracle in November. I don't have high hopes for the FET, but I'd love to be wrong!!!!!!! Well it's time for bed for me as we have a mtg at 8:30 tomorrow morning and prior to that I want to work out in the gym and eat breakfast.

February 6

This morning the thought hit me for the first time. What if a baby isn't placed in our arms prior to February 6? I have to admit it was a feeling of sheer panic for me. The reason is that is when our current home study (our 3rd one) will expire. It was very frustrating for me to do the first home study (started Nov 2004 and completed several months later). There are certain things I think are private. I already had to give up a lot of privacy when we started seeing RE's as nurse's began calling me on the phone telling me when we should "try" and when we should not "try." It actually seemed surreal the first time it happened. I remember hanging up on the phone thinking - I cannot believe some "stranger" just called and gave me instructions about something that is usually an area 100% up to the couple and not something that is anyone else's business let alone something someone else gives you instructions about. Even the appointments used to stress me out when it wasn't a woman doing the ultrasound. I got over that a long time ago. If someone calls me and gives me those types of instructions I don't even bat an eye any more. It doesn't surprise or ruffle me, and I have had so many ultrasounds I can honestly say they don't bother me one iota no matter who is doing them. So in the ttc side of things I have completely adjusted to an abandonment of privacy. It actually seems normal to me now as weird as that may sound. Maybe that's because I've been seeing REs for over 4 years now I guess.

However when it comes to home studies - I haven't gotten there yet. They really upset me. First of all I get very annoyed that adoptive parents have to jump through SOOOOO many hoops when biological parents don't have to jump through any. I feel like a second class citizen who is being subjected to scrutiny - having to prove I will be a good parent which an 18 year old unmarried girl who is pregnant doesn't have to do. And again I think some things are private. It really, really annoys me that we have to divulge everything - exactly how much money we have, retirement plans, how much we spend in each category of a budget, etc. It's just not anyone else's business in my opinion! Both of our social workers have been really nice people, but I admit it was harder this year as our current social worker is really young. As in she graduated from the university where I teach in a year when I was already a college professor. So it feels weird to think someone who could have been my undergrad student a few years ago has the authority to say if I am qualified to be a parent.

The first home study was annoying, but I was so hopeful it would result in us adopting sometime in 2005. The update in 2006 wasn't as difficult, and again my hopes were still VERY high that Lifetime would come through for us that year since they hadn't in 2005. This year the reason it was bearable was I truly thought we'd adopt from Ukraine sometime in 2007. And had we updated our dossier this summer that most likely would have been true. But we didn't. When we did this most recent home study, I remember saying this was the LAST one I would be willing to do for a domestic adoption unless it was for child #2. Yet if I am not pg and Cathy hasn't gotten a match for us yet, we may very well have to do another update in January 2008. I can't tell you how revolting of a thought that is to me. I just want to RUN RUN RUN in the opposite diretion and say NO I just can't do it again!!! So I guess that's a new prayer request. I am praying that we will be matched with a birthmother by early January and the baby will be born before February 6, especially if I am not going to be getting pg in the next few months (either from the FET or fresh ivf #2 if we do that).

If I may add one unrelated prayer request, I have had a fever for 14 days now. Most days it's just a low grade fever & headache. If I take an antihistamine every couple of days I can keep my nose from running nonstop and stop sneezing so much, but the fever usually remains. Some days it gets higher than others. Yesterday morning it was so high when I was teaching I was getting dizzy. I had this same thing happen to me last fall. It seems to be a new way of my body responding to allergies. I am used to a runny nose and sneezing, but I am not used to this fever that lasts for weeks. Paul is trying to help by not opening the windows as much, and that definitely does help. I am just really, really tired of the fever & headache though! Especially as I am traveling to VA tomorrow after teaching to do accreditation program reviews from 5pm Friday to 2pm Sunday. I think maybe they'll schedule in some time for sleeping in there. I am only slightly kidding. Really we have an insane amount of work to accomplish this weekend. So I really, really want my fever to go away as it's going to be an exhausting weekend and then Mondays are always one of my 12+ hour work days so I will have to hit the ground running when I return (plus I will be driving at least 7 hours this weekend also if we don't hit ANY traffic which is unlikely given we'll be so close to DC). I picked up pizza this afternoon so at least Paul is covered in terms of meals while I am gone, LOL.

Took first pill

It cracks me up how often RE's suggest using the bcp as a part of a fertility regimine. Really is rather ironic!!! I'll be taking active pills for a little over a month (there are 21 active pills in a pack so I'll be using part of a 2nd pack). If we get a BFN in November, I already am planning to start the bcp right away on cd1 as I know that will be the only way we can make sure we can do a 2nd fresh in Dec/Jan.

There is one debate I will NOT have this time. There won't be a "when should I hpt" poll this time. Most RE's do the Beta 9 days after a 5dt or 6dt (and some do it at 10dp5dt). Now since mine does them later than "usual" for a 3dt I am guessing the same will hold true. Maybe their norm is to do it 12 days after a 6dt? They let me do mine 11dp3dt this last time, and the nurse said she knew that if I was pg I would get a + Beta at 11dp3dt. So they know you don't really have to wait that long (so I don't understand why their default is to make people wait as if you aren't pg it just means a few more unecessary PIO shots). Anyhow if I have the FET on Nov 1 then I will do my first hpt in the afternoon on Nov 11 (10dp6dt), and the same goes if I have my FET on Nov 2 (then it will be 9dp6dt). That's a Sunday so I won't have a Beta that day. No matter what results I get (+ or -) I am going to call Monday morning and ask my Beta to be that day (either 10 or 11dp5dt). I am sure they will agree as that will be later than I waited this last time, and in fact that day *might* be the day they even schedule it from the start. That might not be "early." If it weren't for the fact I'll be in Chicago that week, I think I would have done my first hpt at 8dp6dt. But I will be in Chicago at a conference (and also enjoying visiting with my sister and her family) from Tuesday night to Sunday morning. I don't want to do my hpt in Chicago with Paul in PA. So I will not pack any hpts with me, and I can tell you right now my first hpt will be Sunday afternoon or evening once I am home with my hubby. I know they say to use "FMU" but even when I got my BFP in 2005 I didn't do it with FMU and I got a bfp with an hcg of only 11. So that's the plan. There is no need for a poll this time! I won't be tempted to do it earlier (well I will by dying of curiosity but again I want to be near Paul when I test). I personally am hoping my FET will be Nov 2 in that sense as it will be easier to "wait" if I know I'm testing at 9d6dt which is the most popular day for REs to do a Beta after a 5 or 6dt. But on the other hand it will be better if my FET is Nov 1 as Paul can be with me. He has class on Nov 2 (as do I but obviously I'll be getting a substitute). So if it ends up being Nov 2 then I'll ask a friend to come with me instead. We'll know very far in advance which day it will be as it has nothing to do with my body and everything to do with the doctor's schedules and what they prefer.

My main prayer request at the moment (aside from always hoping and praying that Cathy will get us an adoption match soon) is that this embryo will survive the thaw. Of course it will be devastating to do the FET and get another BFN, but I think it will be even worse if I am taking injections for a month and then the embryo doesn't survive the thaw and can't even be transferred. The RE wasn't worried about this at all (said that greater than 90% of the time the blasts survive), but it's something really on my heart and mind. The embryo is only thawed a little before transfer so we won't know until Nov 1 or 2 if this little one can be placed inside me, but this is something I am starting to pray about even now on Sept 1.

On the adoption front, someone who had FedExed their dossier to Valentina in May got it submitted on Aug 20! I thought Kathy & Matt (who FedExed hers to Valentina the same day we did in April) would be next, but I am very happy for Steve & Melissa. Both Steve and Kathy had continued to send Valentina updated docs as theirs expired (which we didn't do). Steve & Melissa are hoping to adopt 3 children in Ukraine (they have 3 biological daughters) and they should arrive in UA in late Nov and come back to the US in January if their dossier is accepted (which is very likely to happen). So I guess if we had redone our dossier and FedExed it to Valentina in July or early August that we might have traveled to UA around Thanksgiving time. Although Kathy's hasn't been submitted yet so who knows ours might not have been submitted quite yet. I hope Kathy's is submitted this month which would mean they'd travel over in December. Well Paul was really adamant about not redoing our dossier (which would have cost $2K) so instead in June we decided to sign up with Cathy and pursue IVF. I just need to trust that we made the right decisions as part of me right now wonders if we should have updated our dossier as if we were going to go to Ukraine then Dec/Jan would have been the best time in light of our school's schedule. But maybe I'll get a BFP in November. That would be amazing! My first preference has always been to give birth if possible. Well anyhow I just have to trust we made the right decision and see what happens with Cathy and IVF.

Dollars and Cents

Well first I tried to estimate what the total costs would be if we did a fresh cycle in Chicago and then did a frozen transfer later out there with frozen embryos from both fresh cycles combined. I even included $$ for shipping one frozen embie from PA to IL, airfare to IL, etc. I think for both a fresh and frozen transfer we are talking about $12,500. This includes costs for freezing embryos, ICSI, copays for meds, etc.

We started ttc in May 2002 and started medical tests and treatments in May 2003. From May 2003 to May 2007 we spent about $3K on ttc (bulk of which was for the 5 IUIs). In contrast from December 2004 to June 2007 we spent $22,639 on adoption. So I guess we've switched gears from investing more in adoption to investing more in ttc. Well our total so far for ttc is still far less than adoption (about $10,500) but the numbers will be almost even if we do a second fresh cycle plus a FET.

It's a little mind blowing to realize what the totals might be, but these will have been spent over a span of likely 5 years (we didn't start investing $$ into ttc until 2004). Although I would rather have gotten pregnant the FREE way and not poured money into adoption avenues that didn't pan out, I can't think of much in life that I'd rather invest the money toward than becoming parents. It means we'll be hoping our cars last us at least 10 years (and we bought them used), but I'd rather drive a car with high mileage if it means I'm finally a mommy. I was doing the math and trying to see if in the end we'd have at least $15K left over (probably how much more it would cost to complete an adoption with Cathy if she got us a match) and wouldn't you know it came out to $15,656 - of course who knows if all my estimates are all accurate, but anyhow it looks like we'd JUST have enough.

So if we decide to do a fresh cycle in Chicago and then a FET out there later this means we will definitely NOT adopt from Ukraine. Frankly that's okay with us. Last month they increased the length of the stay required for parents over by 10 more days. Also, the families who submitted dossiers around the same time we did who HAVE updated their dossiers this summer still haven't gotten theirs submitted and of course more new people keep sending in dossiers to the same group of translators that we were trying to use. So I think they have way more dossiers than they can possibly submit in the next 6 months.

If we do fresh IVF and give birth then we'll do the FET later for child #2 (or #3 if we have twins the first time). If we end up with at least two bio children then we probably won't adopt at all. In that scenario our likely total bill for adoption + ttc = $46K. If we have one bio child from IVF #2 + FET then we'd still like to adopt one child through Cathy = $61K. If we have no biological children and adopt one child through Cathy then our second child will need to be adopted from foster care as we just can't handle a total bill much higher than $61K even though we will have spent that $$ over a span of about 5 years.

So I guess the bottom line is that if we do invest more money into ttc it means we aren't going to invest any more $$ into any new adoption ventures. If we adopt it seems it will either be through Cathy (our contract with her was for 30 months and we can freeze it at any time if necessary) or the foster care system. The only other possibility is Mark Miller as some of his adoptions total less than $15K so then we'd adopt through him instead of Cathy. If we do fresh ivf we cannot afford to pay for two adoptions as originally planned. So if we have no bio kids we'll need to do one adoption the free way (foster care system).

One way or the other we'll become parents...we just don't know which way!

30 more profiles

I talked to Cathy M last night about our profile. She had some minor changes here and there that she suggested. Some were changes to the text and others were suggestions like - lighten such and such photo or make it bigger. So I made some changes last night and the rest this morning. I had a few ideas on my own of changes like I took a photo of Paul with Fergie (the dog we are pet sitting this week), of a deer in our backyard this morning, and of a vase of stargazer lilies in our living room that are from my flowerbeds. The profile is now 12 pages long.

So I ran those off at Staples today (which cost about $200) and then bought some pink ribbon at Walmart that has a string of pearl intertwined. I think it's very pretty. So tonight Paul and I will have what is hopefully our LAST experience of assembly profiles (punching holes, stringing ribbon, signing our names on the last page). After tonight we will have assembled at least 180 profiles over the last 31 months (we have 30 to do tonight). Then I'll get those in the mail to Cathy tomorrow. She said she'll use these 30 up first and then if she runs out she'll switch to the first 10 we sent. I hope one of these 30 is "the one." I can send our profile as a PDF file to anyone who wants me to email it to them.

Altogether we have now spent $10,000 on adoption in 2007 (between Ukraine and domestic newborn adoption) plus over $8K on IVF. It's a bit overwhelming for me the penny pincher! (just ask my dad to tell the story of when he gave me $$ to spend at summer camp, LOL) I know kids are expensive once you have them, but I never dreamed I'd spend over $30K just trying to have or adopt one, but we've already spent that much and will spend a lot more if we actually get matched with a birthmother or do ever travel to Ukraine. 2007 has definitely been the year of spending the most on adoption and fertility treatments. We spent $10K in 2004 on adoption but only about $4K total on adoption in 2005 & 2006. People are always quick to point out the adoption tax credit. Well...you only get that (especially for int'l adoptions) if you actually complete the adoption. So if we don't ever adopt from Ukraine, we'll never get a tax credit for the thousands we spent creating that first dossier that wasn't able to be submitted before it expired. And if we stick with our plan of me becoming a stay-at-home mom after we adopt, we probably won't be able to claim much if any of a tax credit over the 5 years you have to claim it as Paul will make very little as a FT grad student so we won't owe much if anything in taxes to the IRS so again no way of claiming the credit. Bottom line is that if we do adopt or get pg from IVF that child will be worth every tiny penny we spent trying to become parents, and I am thankful that the Lord has provided me with a job that has enabled us to come up with the money for these expenses the last 4 years. Of course we cannot keep spending money at this pace toward our efforts to try to become parents, so I am also glad that there is one free option out there - adopting from the foster care system. It's nice that there is a free option so that even those with very limited incomes are able to adopt even if they couldn't afford int'l or other adoption options.

Well I'll let you know tomorrow how I make out at the doctor. Tomorrow we should start to get an idea of how many eggs they might be able to retrieve from me next week.

Green Light!

Well today I had my baseline u/s and b/w. Basically they want to make sure you don't have any cysts. I got the "all clear" from the u/s, and my E2 was only 22 which is VERY low. And very low is very good! It won't be low for long though, lol. I just hope it doesn't go TOO high (meaning TOO many follies are developing). Tomorrow morning I will decrease my Lupron to 10iu (I have done 20iu the past 14 days), and I will also have 75iu of Repronex tomorrow morning. Tomorrow night I'll start taking 150iu of Follistim. I will do those same amounts on Saturday and Sunday as well as Monday morning (3 shots a day for about the next 10 days or so). Then I will have bloodwork done Monday morning. My dosages might be modified depending on how high my E2 is on Monday.

I am very glad they are going to monitor me after only 3 days of stimming as I am nervous that this might be too much. I was on 225iu a day once before and the cycle was cancelled. They normally start IVF patients on 300iu so they have already backed down in light of my previous track record. Dr. A feels that 225iu will be fine this time since I am still on Lupron and that is supposed to tone down my response a little. Anyhow I am very glad I'll have b/w on Monday morning so they can lower my dosage if needed before things get out of control. Then I'll probably go back on Wednesday for b/w and also an u/s. So tomorrow starts the main part of the IVF process. This part will likely take about 2 weeks (my egg retrieval will likely be around August 1). So I really covet your prayers each step of the way!!!

Earlier this week I emailed Cathy Harris to let her know that we weren't updating our dossier. I knew we wouldn't get back $1,500 of the money we paid her/Valentina, but I was hoping we'd get the other $1,000 back which was called a "prepayment." I thought we might get that part back since our dossier wasn't submitted etc. She told me it cost $1,500 to get the dossier translated and certified which has already been done. She encouraged me to create a 2nd dossier and suggested ways for doing it more inexpensively (such as only apostilling one dossier instead of two which would save $360). I had figured it would cost about $1,200 to update the dossier. She is estimating we could cut that down to $600. I asked if we would have to pay the $1,500 again, and she said she would try to work a deal with Valentina. She said maybe Valentina would waive the translation fee for the new dossier, and we would only pay an additional $1,000 to the SDA as an expiditing fee to get our dossier in ASAP. She's saying if we got a new dossier to Valentina in 4-6 weeks that Valentina would submit ours in September (through us paying this extra $1,000 "fee"), and we would have our SDA appointment in early December. December would be an ideal time to travel in light of me not missing work (and thus not getting docked say $10K in pay) and Paul not missing classes.

There's a tiny part of me that is tempted as in some ways this seems a more "sure" thing than IVF or domestic newborn adoption, but of course I was told before our first dossier would definitely be submitted by June at the latest. And that obviously didn't happen so I guess none of these options are "sure" things. Paul just wants to stick with domestic newborn and IVF. So I guess for now that's what we'll do. I am sure I don't want to pay the $1,000 fee until we know if the IVF worked or not. But we'll know if it worked in 4 weeks or less. So I am thinking maybe a compromise would be to pay the $43 for the child abuse and criminal record clearances so that IF we decided to do a second dossier we could do it quickly. Those are the documents which take the longest to get. The child abuse clearances are just for the social worker so she'll write an addendum for our home study. The criminal record checks are for her AND our dossier. Well I'll talk about it with Paul tonight, but I think this is a reasonable plan as we're only investing $43 to enable us to have the OPTION to send a dossier to UA in late August and possibly travel there in December. If I get pregnant I am certain we wouldn't send a dossier, but if the IVF doesn't work and we don't have any frozen embyros, maybe we'll revist this if we could truly travel in between the fall and spring semesters. I would still want to adopt a baby through Cathy M as we won't get a baby from UA if we go there, and I really want to parent at least ONE child from as close to newborn as possible. And I truly don't ever expect Lifetime to come through, but I'd love to be wrong about that!

Well again please pray about the IVF - that just the right amount of follicles will develop and that I won't get anywhere near having OHSS. Thanks!!

Status report

Well Cathy (of AC) emailed Friday to say she got our contract. I already knew that as of Wednesday as I had paid for delivery confirmation so from the tracking number I knew she got it on Wed. I am anxious to hear what her feedback will be regarding the profile we've used for Lifetime - what changes she might suggest, etc. She said she will be emailing us more forms to fill out and return to her.

Still no word from Lifetime; we've waited 18 days so far, and we've been w/o a contract for 16 days. I have no clue how all this extra time is helping them make their decision. It's such an easy one in my book. #1Did the Kennedy's do everything we have asked them to do? (yes! - I have emails from them as recently as April 5, 2008 which confirm that). #2 Have we matched them with a birthmother yet (no! they've never had even one possible match). Then we should keep trying to find them a match! See it's that easy, lol!!! Honestly though even if they were to give us an extension at this point I don't feel I can trust their word any more so I don't know if that piece of paper will mean anything to me. But I am still curious how long it will take for a final decision to be made and what that decision will be.

As for ivf, I have to admit I am having a case of second doubts today. Just thinking about all the shots and bloodwork and ultrasounds and procedures has me wanting to run in the other direction at the moment. Today is "day one" which is usually an emotional day for me so maybe I should chalk it up to that and assume I'll be ready to start the tests on Thursday morning - not that I am really excited at the prospect of having saline injected into my uterus and such. I guess I feel like I've already put my body through so much when it comes to all this stuff....

As for Ukraine, if our dossier doesn't get in on Monday (25th) then we're down to just one more chance (July 2). I am not expecting it to be submitted either day, but there is obviously SOME chance of it happening. So I am glad that at least one aspect of the suspense will be over in about 9 days. Although I do feel it's best to pursue two things at once, I don't think it's best to be pursuing four things at once - not financially wise and not emotionally manageable!

Also, the anniversary of the date of my one and only miscarriage is coming upon us shortly - July 5. So that too has me a bit more emotional than usual I think...

Advice

When my parents were traveling home from visiting my sister in Turkey earlier this month (they wanted to meet their 3rd grandson), they met a man in the Munich airport who does business in Ukraine. This man is very passionate about Ukraine. They told him that their daughter was trying to adopt from Ukraine, and he gave them his business card. My parents and brother were up for my birthday yesterday (sooo sweet of them!) and gave me this card. So I emailed the guy last night. He wants Americans to buy goods made in a free country (Ukraine) rather than China. Anyhow in one part of his email to me he gave me advice about trying to conceive which I was not expecting given the context of our conversation was adoption from Ukraine. Now sometimes this "advice" really can annoy me. There are a few comments I hope I never hear again like "you should be glad you don't have kids yet, once you have kids..." or "just adopt and then you'll get pregnant." I must say I still don't handle those too well (inside - the person has no idea what I am feeling as I can hide my feelings).

Well this guy's advice just cracked me up. I am not sure if it is because it's just funny advice or if it's just that after five years of trying I am able to laugh rather than cry more easily. Anyhow in case it is funny to any of you I will paste his advice below. I have to say it's original!!!

"My daughter was not able to conceive. They tried everything. He was OK, she was OK, just no conception. No one could understand why. Well, like I said, I am a country boy. I bought her a PUPPY. This little Doberman female was as wild as you can imagine. Two months of that Tasmanian devil in their home drove them nuts. Finally, my daughter called me and pleaded for me to take the puppy back. I told her that the pup had been there long enough. Two weeks later, Pam called me and said, GUESS WHAT? Well, today, her baby is three years old. I am not sure of your issues but if you are OK, then try a puppy."

A synopsis of the first 4 1/2 years of our journey

1. Paul and I got married in 2001 and began trying to have a baby in 2002. We began fertility treatments in 2003.
2. In the spring of 2004 we began seriously discussing various adoption options. We decided that in November we would start pursuing adoption if I wasn't pregnant by then.
3. In November 2004 we started the home study process with Jennifer, a social worker with Schuylkill County’s Children and Youth Services.
4. On December 7, 2004 we began a two year contract with Lifetime, an adoption facilitator in California.
5. In January 2005 we mailed Lifetime 50 profiles.
6. In June 2005 we learned I was finally pregnant (from our seventh round of fertility treatments). Sadly we lost this baby in July.
7. In February 2006 we began the process of completing a home study update as ours was soon to expire.
8. In March 2006 we started discussing other adoption options since the domestic newborn adoption was taking longer than we anticipated.
9. After taking many new photos, in May 2006 we mailed Lifetime 20 more profiles.
10. In September 2006 we mailed Lifetime 25 more profiles.
11. During the summer of 2006 we were added to the contact list of an attorney in Jacksonville, Florida. We considered asking to be presented for one situation in July, and then in November we were one of six couples presented to the birthfamily of a baby boy born on 11-17. We learned on December 19 that a local family would be chosen.
12. On December 19 after months of discussion about IVF and many adoption options, we decided to start pursuing the adoption of two children from Ukraine. Since the ectopic pregnancy in 2005 we completed three additional rounds of unsuccessful fertility treatments; in August we were told IVF (which we haven't tried yet) is our only remaining option.