Staples and Such

From Saturday morning through Wednesday afternoon my wardrobe consisted of the hospital's gown and robe. On Sunday as I looked in the mirror I could tell that of course I wasn't back to my pre-pg shape, but I also could tell that my belly was much smaller than it had been the day before. I guess the gown and robe are good at covering you up because I was rather distressed when I got dressed for the first time on Wednesday in maternity clothes. I looked in the mirror and was depressed at how big my belly still was. I changed tops, and the situation improved a little. It has seemed over the last couple of days that the situation has improved, but maybe the difference hasn't been with the size of my belly but rather just that some tops do a better job of hiding my belly than others do. The top I'm wearing today isn't a maternity top, and when I looked in the mirror this morning I wasn't nearly as depressed as I was on Wednesday. I had mentioned while pg that I wasn't so keen on the underbelly style of pants, and I have to say I feel even more strongly about that after having given birth. The pair I wore on Wednesday really bothered my incision. I sent those home with Paul yesterday. The pair I am wearing today is much better, but it's not like I want to wear this same pair of pants 5 days in a row, and it's the only pair of pants I have here in the hospital. I know that it takes at least a couple of weeks to begin to resemble your pre-pregnant self, but somehow that knowledge didn't make it from my head to my emotions. I am not friends with the mirror these days.

This afternoon I had my appointment to remove my staples. Today is day 7. With Nadia I had them removed on day 8.  My water retention isn't as bad as last time, but it's now almost as bad. My ankles, calves, and especially feet really hurt. It's spread to my knees and starting to spread to my thighs. The doctor told me today that I need to keep my feet elevated above my heart. I do notice that the swelling hurts the most when my feet are dangling down (such as when I am sitting in a rocking chair). I can't say that my feet have ever been above my heart over the past week as I haven't been lying down totally horizontally as it really bothers my incision. I guess I should at least try to sleep horizontally tonight and prop my feet up with a pillow or two. On my way out I crossed paths with the resident who admitted me and also did my last couple of exams before I was discharged. He said that walking was the best thing for the swelling. I disagree. I find that moving my feet in circles and such plus elevating them are the most helpful. I agree with the OB I saw for the first time today on this matter. I would give anything for a foot and calf massage. Paul is one of those people who doesn't like to come anywhere near a foot so I know he won't be doing that, and of course since I'm here by myself it's not possible anyhow. I guess I'll just do it myself. Hopefully before we leave I can at least put a pair of my shoes on. Today I am just wearing Paul's socks.

Having the staples removed wasn't fun, but it was bearable. Some staples hurt more than others. I hadn't had any pain medication since early this morning. That was dumb. I should have taken some maybe an hour before my appointment. At least I was very calm at this appointment. The midwife who removed my staples 8 days after I had Nadia probably thought I was a total basket case as I was crying my eyes out because Nadia was still in the NICU. Those tears turned to tears of joy when I returned from my appointment and learned from my mother that we were going HOME that day.

This morning a woman stopped by my room and said she was here to do Ian's PT/OT evaluation. I asked her why was he having that done. When she gave the usual criteria, it made no sense as he was born much later than the cut-off and also weighed much more than the cut-off. She went to check with someone and then came back and said they determined he didn't need this referral after all. It's not that I'd be opposed to him receiving services if he needed them, I just don't think he needs to be evaluated at the age of 6 days old. I also think they should have told me about the referral so that I wasn't caught off guard when she showed up at our door. I thought maybe the confusion was that she came to the wrong Ian, but she said her paperwork said Ian Kennedy. Believe it or not, Ian is one of THREE Ian's in this NICU right now. I couldn't believe it when his doctor told me that on Monday. We picked the name in part because it has NOT been popular according to the Social Security lists. Go figure! I hope though that this doesn't become a pattern throughout his life. I know how annoying it can be to have several students with the same first name in a class.

Whenever I wipe Ian as a part of changing a poopy diaper, this often seems to stimulate him to start pooping again. I try to let him hang out for a bit before I put the clean diaper under him, but before his 2pm feeding I managed to go through FOUR diapers. The last time I was just about to seal the second side of the diaper when he started pooping again and it oozed out since the diaper wasn't totally sealed. That diaper change he also peed up in the air while I was wiping his bottom. So I have officially been "christened" by two types of body fluids. I had to change his outfit after that fiasco. He's now wearing a cute snowman sleeper that my mom gave us. It seems appropriate given we're supposed to get a lot of snow this weekend. When they were doing the rounds the doctor reported he'd had two stools in the past 24 hours. I corrected that misinformation! The nurse yesterday asked me to fill out a chart regarding the time and color of each poopy diaper. I have DEFINITELY changed more than two in the last day. Sometimes I change two (or more) within a few minutes! I guess the nurse didn't enter the information from the chart I was filling out into the computer. Tonight Ian will be getting his first immunization Hep B). I'll just be glad when they stop pricking the poor guy's heel. He doesn't like that at all!

A profesor has agreed to bring me the exams tomorrow evening. She would have brought them today, but I didn't send the email until she was already home from school. I should be able to grade them all from Sunday-Tuesday and then caclulate and post the course grades on Wednesday - prior to the noon deadline. I'm not usually a last minute person, but there isn't much I can do about it in this instance. It didn't seem worth having Paul make a trip for them.

I was lamenting the fact that due to Ian's early arrival I hadn't done any extra cooking to stock the freezer like I did prior to Nadia's birth. However Paul reminded me today that I had purchased a few things as he said he was going to serve lasagna tonight - something I had purchased from Schwans in preparation for Ian's birth. So there is at least a little food in the freezer that we can use during the time when I'll likely be out of commission in terms of cooking.

Missing My Girl

I had been doing well the last few days in terms of not crying regarding Nadia. I was so happy to be in the demo room that I even put my contacts in again today. When the doctors did their rounds this morning, I asked the question that had been on my mind since day one - when might he be discharged? It was the first time I had asked although others have asked me about it. The doctor who did his exam this morning said they were thinking he'd be discharged before Christmas. I could tell she thought I'd be encouraged by that statement. I actually wanted to break into tears as that made the possibility of being discharged this weekend seem very slight. I know that the demo room is used as a transition to going home, so I falsely assumed that the fact they suggested I could come over here yesterday meant his discharge was right around the corner. The doctor replied that they were thinking the early part of next week. I said that I really, really was missing my 17 month old daughter and that I would agree to daily weight and bloodwork checks (bilirubin) at the pediatrician's office if that would mean we could go home sooner. I said I also would agree to supplement with a bottle if necessary.

The doctor said that he's not concerned about the jaundice or feeding. Ian's bilirubin dropped a little bit, and he gained a little bit of weight. He said his main concern is Ian's ability to maintain his temperature without assistance. They are lowering the temp in his isolette today and by tomorrow it should be at 26 degrees. If he maintains a good body temperature at that temp, he'll be switched into a bassinette. The doctor didn't 100% rule out him being discharged on Sunday, but he scheduled Ian's first pediatrician appointment for Tuesday, which implies a Monday discharge. So please pray for me emotionally as I struggle with being apart from my girl for ten days (Monday will be the 10th day). I've accepted the fact we aren't going home until Monday, but it will be VERY hard for me if it ends up being longer than that.

My mom left early this morning to return to MD. Paul's parents stopped in and visited with Ian & I for about 20 minutes on their way to our house. Paul asked them to take care of Nadia while he paints Ian's room. Paul called me this morning to ask me what I wanted him to do today - go grocery shopping (hasn't been done in over a week now), go to my office to get the exams, or paint Ian's room. I figured it was best that he paint today since his parents are there. He can take Nadia to the grocery store tomorrow or Sunday. I emailed a couple of people in my department who live in the town where the hospital is to see if they could get the exams from my office and bring them to me today or tomorrow. Paul's parents could drop off the carseat at the hospital on their way home later today. I told the doctors the carseat would be here sometime today. Babies have to do this two hour carseat test if they are born prior to 37 weeks. Nadia HATED the test. My mom sat on the floor and held a pacifier in her mouth for 2 hours so I could get some sleep (it was done during the middle of the night). Hopefully Ian won't freak out like Nadia did since I'm here in the demo room alone this time around.

The nurse brought a sleeper for me to change Ian into prior to his 2am feeding (when he was weighed). I said I had brought some clothes. Ian is wearing the football sleeper that my friend, Sharon, gave us on Sunday. They stopped giving him IV fluids this morning so the board was taken off his arm. Slowly but surely he keeps having wires and other contraptions removed from his body! Changing his diaper and clothes is going to be a cinch for me when we get home since now I do it while he's in an isolette. He wears the Wallaby blanket inside his sleeper and has several other wires and probes attached to him which make getting him dressed a challenge. Yesterday Paul got to hold him for the first extended period of time, and today Paul's mom held him for about 15 minutes. His supplemental feedings were cut in half today. Hopefully he is getting enough from me while nursing that his weight will either stay the same or go up. His last supplemental feeding was 100% my milk so the quantity of formula he's getting has really gone down. I am nursing him 8 times a day and pumping 8 times a day. I admit that one time during the night I skipped the pumping.

Another change in the NICU is that now they use wipes (Pampers sensitive). When Nadia was in the NICU they were using these pink towels that you had to get wet before using. I am very glad they have switched to wipes. I change his diaper before every feeding in an attempt to wake him up. He was a sleepyhead for his 8am feeding today, but otherwise he's been doing pretty well. I was spoiled last time as my mom would help keep Nadia awake. It's hard to try to help him nurse and also help keep him awake at the same time. Thankfully though he's doing better at nursing than Nadia did. I'm sure part of that is due to me having experience this time around. He is able to latch on without the nipple guard, but sometimes he will only nurse for 5 minutes that way. Every feeding is partially with and partially without the guard. I was wanting to avoid using it, but if it means leaving the NICU sooner, I guess I'll deal with a battle later on of getting rid of these things. It's also possible that Ian won't mind ditching them. Nadia most certainly minded!!

Paul's parents brought me some snacks. There is a refrigerator and microwave in the demo room. We had dinner at 4pm yesterday at Wendy's so I was very hungry part way through the night and only had water at my disposal. Unfortunately there aren't any vending machines nearby, and the closest cafes were closed. The nurse told me there is a pizza place that delivers until midnight, but I wasn't in the mood for pizza. I made a REALLY long trek to a cafeteria I had never been to before in this hospital. I bought several snacks which also turned into most of my breakfast this morning (apple and a yogurt). I won't be making any more midnight runs now that Paul's parents brought me apples, bananas, granola bars, etc. Actually I ate a bag of popcorn as my lunch today so it will also save me trips for lunch and dinner. I am going to stop at a cafe prior to my 3:30 doctor appointment (because it closes at 4pm) so I can bring back something for dinner. At 3:30 I'm getting my staples removed. It turns out I probably could have done the Monday appointment. I had hoped to be out of here before then, but considering Nadia was here 8 days after coming at 36w3d, I guess it's not bad if Ian is here for 10 days since he came at 34w3d.

I guess it's sort of like infertility. Those of us who have to try for 5+ years to get pregnant really, really appreciate the miracle of being pregnant. Similarly, those of us whose babies go to the NICU celebrate all these tiny milestones that probably many new parents take for granted - the first time you get to hold your child, first time you get to nurse your child, first time your child wears clothing, etc. because for most parents all those things happen within the first hour or two of life whereas for babies in the NICU it takes days, weeks, and sometimes months for those milestones to occur.

Roommates!!!!

I have a roommate tonight! He weighs 5lb 10oz and has dark brown hair. Today has been a WONDERFUL day. I got to talk with the doctors as they did their rounds at 10:15am. The head doctor apologized for the fiasco yesterday. He said it was 100% his fault. He said that some of the doctors here believe the first attempt should be a dry one, but he believes it should be a "wet" one, and he didn't chart it so it didn't end up happening. Ian's bilirubin count fell from 13 something to 10 something so they switched him from the bili lights to a Wallaby blanket. This meant he could be held a lot more, and it meant that today was his first day to wear clothes. I got out an outfit I had received as a gift, but I found out he needed to wear a gown (like some of you suggested), and I don't have any gowns. He has worn a gown with trains on it today (one of the hospital's gowns). It's very appropriate given the theme of his nursey and also the fact that our home isn't very far from railroad tracks (trust me I wish we lived farther away from those tracks). Ian will definitely learn what sound a train makes. :-) It's been great to see him without a CPAP or arterial line today, and the IV will be coming out tomorrow! He still will have the feeding tube going down his nose because I don't want him to be bottle fed at this point. I know by February he needs to learn how to drink from a bottle, but I'd like to hold off for a bit on that.

The first attempt at nursing took place at 11am. I awaited that hour with great anticipation. He was able to latch on and did get some milk, but unfortunately he was just wanting to take a nap. It was still a wonderful experience in my opinion. The second attempt was at 2pm, and I was shocked at how much better he did the second time around! Way to go, Ian!!! If he starts getting more milk directly from me, then they'll reduce how much they feed him through the tube. The tube is usually filled with 20ml of my milk plus 20ml of formula. I am pumping after ever nursing attempt since he's not taking too much from me yet. I remember thinking "ouch" a few times when Nadia first tried to nurse. Trust me I will NOT be saying "ouch" with Ian since I've forced myself to adjust to the highest setting on the hospital's electric pump.

When I showed up at 9am, I burst into tears because his name was still on the wall, but his bed was missing. I had a panic attack. Thankfully, they immediately calmed me by telling me that they had moved him because of how well he was doing. Whew. I realized yesterday that wearing contacts is not a good idea given how prone to crying I am these days. I am glad I wore my glasses today. When I showed up at 5pm and he wasn't in his new location, I didn't panic as I knew we were spending the night together in the demo room. I am not complaining about the RMH as it's really very nice, but it's difficult to stay there when you're nursing a baby in the NICU. I am extremely grateful to be sharing a room this evening with him especially considering my calves, feet, and ankles have ballooned to the point they are almost as bad as they were in 2008. My sandals don't even fit any more. I was very grateful when Paul showed up this afternoon (also my mom and Nadia) because this meant I could go back to being pushed in a wheelchair. Walking is very, very painful right now due to the swelling in my feet. I look forward to the day when my ankles will return.

The fence installation was completed yesterday, and Paul took his final exam this morning. Tomorrow he's going to work on the to do list - installing car seats, assembling Ian's crib, picking up the final exams from my office, painting Ian's room, etc. The next item on my to do list is to take a nap before it's time for Ian's next feeding. I am feeding him every 3 hours for the time being. Once he starts getting more milk from me then we'll switch to every 2 hours or even go on an "on demand" schedule, but for now they want me to nurse him at 8am, 11am, 2pm, 5pm, 8pm, 11pm, 2am, and 5am. I look forward to the day when I won't be pumping 8 times a day, but for now I will gladly do so!

Off to a Good Start

I called Ian's nurse at about 5:30 this morning, and I am very pleased to report that he had a very calm night. He keeps peeing and pooping, but generally he just did a lot of sleeping last night. His weight dropped one more ounce, but they haven't been concerned about his weight loss yet. Hopefully they still won't be concerned about that. They can't be upset with me about it as they are in charge of how much breast milk plus formula he gets at each feeding. Although I am looking forward to the time when he receives all his nutrition directly from me, I know it will be a bit stressful when that happens. His bilirubin count dropped. That is also very good news. I'll find out when they do the rounds (hopefully I will actually be present for that this morning!) whether he's still under the lights or not.

My main focus today is that he will make progress in learning how to nurse. I am sure the lactation nurses will help me with that - presuming the doctor gives us the full green light to work on that today. He did latch on twice on the right side yesterday evening. It was a wonderful feeling. Nursing is a million times better than pumping. I've been forcing myself to get used to even the highest setting of the hospital's pump (which is much stronger than the highest setting of my electric pump) so I am quite certain that I will be feeling no pain when Ian nurses. I think I've toughened myself up pretty well over the last few days. I'm also hoping that we can move to the demo room in the near future. If he continues to do well, I think the chances that they'll agree to that will be pretty good.

I added pictures to last night's post. We had one visitor yesterday - my friend, Donna (shown in the first photo of my last post). Paul hasn't seen Ian or myself since Monday night. I am hopeful we'll get to see him today although right now as I write this he is en route to PSU to take his last final exam. I am praying he'll do well on it. The second and third photos were both taken yesterday. The second shows him on his belly with the CPAP, arterial line, etc, and the third shows him free of all of that. YAY! He still has two black and blue eyelids, but his bruising continues to improve. Everyone who sees him seems to comment about how it looks like he lost a fight already. Poor guy! It turns out in addition to the fact they also had trouble getting him out of me (ditto for Nadia), he was also face up like Nadia was. It seems my babies know to go down head first, but they don't seem to put their heads in the ideal position. That makes me feel better about the decision to go with a c-section instead of attempting VBAC.

I won't be getting much paid leave since I had him so early. However, if I had given birth vaginally, I would have ended up with less than one week of paid sick leave. I at least get 2 extra weeks off since I had this incision. I will be going back to work in mid February instead of mid March. Financially it's not as good as it means I go back to getting paid 50% five weeks sooner than I would have if he hadn't come before January 8th, but one financial perk is that we get the extra tax deduction this year. I have had many people mention that to me - as an advantage of giving birth in December. Well I still would have rathered have him in January. A tax deduction doesn't compensate for the stress of having a baby in the NICU in my opinion. However if we're all home for Christmas, it will be special to be a family of four. He is a most wonderful Christmas gift!!!

Well the day has gotten off to a good start, and hopefully in general it will be a much better day than yesterday. It's time for me to pump, have breakfast, and get myself ready to head over to the NICU. I am planning on spending most of the day at the hospital although I'll probably come back at least once in the middle of the day for a nap (and maybe eat lunch here at the RM House if the doctors visit Ian prior to noon). Even if the shuttle involves a long wait, I don't plan to attempt to walk the distance in light of my swollen feet. I think though that after the 8pm feeding I will likely come back and stay here during the night. Although I made the trek every three hours when I stayed here with Nadia, I just don't know if I am up to that this time. I might wait until we're in the demo room (or at home if we never go to the demo room) to nurse him throughout the night. We shall see.

Ups and Downs

Today was an emotional rollercoaster for me. In reality the "highs" were bigger and more important than the "lows," but unless I force myself to remember that, it feels like it was an awful day. I am sitting here on a bed in the Ronald McDonald House as I was discharged from the hospital this afternoon. My mom asked my doctor this morning if the fact that my hemoglobin is still really low was a valid reason to keep me there another day, but he just told me to keep taking the extra iron. He's hopeful that since my level hasn't fallen recently that soon it will start to trend upward. My mom left the hospital about 7am. I was on my own most of the day. I had made two trips to the NICU myself yesterday (walking) albeit never a complete round trip until the middle of the night when I was delivering milk (walked there by myself one time and walked back by myself another). I also had been getting up out of the bed by myself to pump throughout the night so I felt I was ready to be independent. I wanted my mom to be able to go home and watch Nadia so that Paul could study for his exam. When I gave birth to Nadia, I was never on my own whether we were in the hospital, Ronald McDonald House, or demo room in the NICU, but in light of Nadia not being able to come to the hospital I felt it was necessary for me to function independently today.

The amount of walking I ended up doing was a drastic increase from my two trips to the NICU yesterday. I woke up this morning without any ankles, and the swelling of my feet got much worse over the course of the day. The swelling still isn't as bad as it was after I had Nadia (as then it went from my toes to the top of my thighs), but I have to say my feet and ankles and calves are very swollen and HURT. I am back to wearing either Paul's socks (mine are too tight) or sandals. Since I was discharged I have been wearing sandals which is certainly not something I've ever done before in 20 degree weather. The sandals barely fit so I need to be grateful that at least they fit! I also need to be grateful that Paul was wise enough to realize I'd need them as I falsely assumed my sneakers that I wore to the hospital on Saturday morning would still fit. I just tried sleeping for a little bit, but I was too cold. I lack the energy to put the sheets on the bed, but I found it very uncomfortable to be horizontal anyhow. I think I'll need to sleep sitting up tonight. One plus of my brief attempt at sleep was that the swelling went down enough that I could put Paul's socks on without them feeling like they were cutting off all my circulation. I also am now wearing my winter coat and have turned on the heat. I can't seem to figure out how to adjust the thermostat in this room. It's either an ice box or a sauna. I think I'll just need to alternate between turning the heat on and off throughout the night. I woke up shivering so right now the sauna mode is appreciated. I am still grateful my swelling isn't as bad as in 2008, but I'd appreciate prayers that it would go down ASAP as walking is painful enough due to the incision.

The resident told me this morning that he was going to remove my staples today, but the attending physician overruled that idea in light of #1 my low hemoglobin and #2 the fact this is a repeat c-section. He made my appt for Monday, but I asked if it could be switched to Friday (in the hopes that Ian will be discharged before Monday). That appointment is now scheduled for 3:30 on Friday afternoon. Last time I didn't fill the pain med prescriptions, but I did fill them this time (didn't cost me a penny to do so). He didn't give me that many Percocet though so I will be weaned off of those farily soon.

This morning I headed to the NICU around 9am (when the doctors start their rounds) with the plan that I would stay there until they came to see Ian - no matter how late that was. On Sunday and Monday they were at his station around 11am. Sunday we missed them because I had to go to the bathroom and my nurse tried to get them to switch the order (since none of the other babies in his pod had parents there that morning), but they didn't and I couldn't hold it any longer so we missed them. I did get to talk with them on Monday morning. Yesterday I waited until noon and had to give up on seeing them, which is why I was so determined today. After I had been there over 2 hours, I heard Ian's nurse saying to another set of parents that they could go back to their room and he'd call them when the team came into our pod. That seemed like a great idea as I was hungry and needed to go to the bathroom. The nurse promised me he'd call my room and that I wouldn't miss the doctors this time. So I was in my room for awhile.

The phone never rang so I assumed the doctors hadn't been around yet. However, when I went back I realized I had missed the doctors - again. I immediately burst into tears. They should have been tears of joy because the reason I knew I had missed the doctors was that Ian was still on his CPAP when I left, and now he was off of it. Seeing how distressed I was, a lactation nurse tracked down Ian's doctor who came and talked with me. I asked him if I could try to nurse Ian today since he was off the CPAP. He said I could although he wanted me to wait a few hours to make sure Ian could breathe without the CPAP. The nurse told me to come at the 5pm feeding. He said they wouldn't feet Ian until after I attempted to nurse him. I was very excited at this prospect! The nurse hadn't let me hold Ian that morning. I had held him some the previous three mornings.

My mom came to the hospital in the afternoon with a bag of things I needed (clothes for example), and she also brought Nadia so that I could spend some time with her. From Saturday through Tuesday I had only spent about 10 minutes total with Nadia (about 5 minutes on both Sunday and Monday). Unfortunately, she couldn't find a spot in the parking lot so I had to come down outside the hospital building wearing nothing but a hospital gown, robe, and socks. I went back up and got dressed, delivered milk and a boppy to the NICU, and then headed back down to the van so we could drop off my prescriptions and go check-in at the RM house. We spent some time in the play room. Nadia enjoyed exploring their collection of toys. Then we (my mom, Nadia, and I) headed to McD's for an early dinner as I needed to be with Ian by 5pm. It was my first time out of the hospital since Paul & I checked in at 4am on Saturday morning.

When I arrived at the NICU, I saw that Ian was already in the middle of a feeding (part formula and part my milk). I was taken aback as his nurse had promised me they wouldn't feed him until I had nursed Ian, and I wasn't late. The new nurse had no knowledge of the plan. She then questioned whether Ian was up for an attempt at nursing because he had a fever. They did bloodwork to see if he had an infection. I noticed that Ian was now in an isolette. They didn't realize this was a change, and in fact, thankfully, this proved to be the reason he had a fever. They had the temperature turned up too high for my little guy! He must take after his dad in that regard. :-) I was told that if he didn't have an infection I could nurse him at 8pm.

The NICU is closed to visitors 4 hours a day, and one of those hours is between 7-8pm. I went to the pump room and pumped at 5pm and 7pm and tried to rest a bit on a couch in a lobby until 8pm. I arrived back at his bedside at 7:55, and his nurse wasn't there. I waited until 8:15 and then asked if someone else could help me get started with nursing my son. The NP on duty told me that she had no knowledge of the plan for me to attempt to nurse Ian. She said it wasn't noted by the doctor in his charts. Her compromise was that I could attempt to nurse him only if I was "dry" (meaning she wanted me to pump again right before having contact with Ian). To say I was disappointed and frustrated would be an understatement, but since I hadn't held Ian all day I agreed to the plan. She told me to pump for 15 minutes and said they'd hold off on his feeding until I came back. I came back within 15 minutes only to find that he was in the middle of a feeding. I am amazed I didn't burst into tears. It turns out this was his third nurse of the day. She knew nothing of the plan, and the NP didn't say anything to her after talking with me. I eventually did at least get to hold Ian. It was my 4th time holding him, and it was the first time I held him without a CPAP and such. It was great to stroke his dark hair and such.

As of last night he weighed 5lb 11oz. His bilirubin was up a little so he was definitely still under the lights. His plumbing is definitely working, so hopefully that will help bring his count down. I changed one of his diapers earlier in the evening. I had just cleaned him up when he started pooping again. I caught all of it in the wipe so at least his blanket wasn't soiled. It's tricky to change a diaper when your arms are going through two different holes in an isolette. Changing his diaper again showed me how tiny the little guy is as I had changed a poopy diaper of Nadia's a couple of hours earlier. What a difference!

I had planned to return to the NICU every 3 hours this evening, but in light of this plan to pump before attempting to nurse, I decided to just pump in my room and put the milk in the freezer during the night. I'll bring it over to the NICU in the morning. My mom got me in a good pumping routine. During the first 24 hours she was with me, I pumped 13 times! I am now producing enough that I am putting the milk in a bag rather than syringes. There is a shuttle that runs between the hospital and RM House until 9pm. After that they call security to come get you. Security took FOREVER. If my feet weren't so swollen, it would have been much faster to walk there. I might be rethinking nursing Ian throughout the night while I'm at the RM House. I doubt I'd get any sleep whatsoever. I think that will have to wait until I'm in the demo room (presuming that's my next stop before we go home). Hopefully we can be moved to the demo room sometime in the next couple of days.

The high points of the day - spending time with Nadia, being able to hold Ian, and seeing Ian without the CPAP or arterial line are what I should focus on. I admit I had this feeling of - I can't take this any more - earlier this evening. I was thinking about the fact that others get pregnant easily and then also are with their babies right from the start. Getting pregnant isn't easy for us, and so also it seems we can't just take our babies home right away. However, it all depends on your point of comparison. There are so many babies in the NICU who spend months there before they go home; their moms have to wait MUCH longer to experience holding them, nursing them, etc. I am grateful that hasn't been the case for Nadia or Ian.

The NICU is a hard place to be emotionally. I struggle with being with Nadia when she gets her immunizations. The NICU experience is like going through that many times a day for many days. For example, once today they were pricking Ian's heel to check his blood sugar (why I don't know as his levels have all be perfectly fine) the nurse made quite a mess - there was blood all over his foot, on the sheets, etc. Ian was wailing and pushing himself up (he was on his belly). After she put the strip in the machine, I was comforting Ian and telling him it was all done. The nurse said no it's not as I didn't get enough blood on the strip. I wanted to scream. It hurt my heart to watch Ian scream while she pricked him again. This may all seem very overwhelming at the moment, but I know in a few weeks or months it will long be forgotten. When I hold Ian, it's hard to remember when Nadia was this size, and she's only 17 months old! This too shall pass. Hopefully tomorrow Ian will begin the process of learning how to nurse. The little guy doesn't know what it's like to suck or swallow yet since his food just goes straight to his belly through a tube.

2nd Time Around

I am sure there are many ways in which parenting Ian will be different than Nadia simply because he's the second born. One example that pops into my mind would be feeding him vegetables. I was very diligent during the first 6 months that I fed Nadia solid foods to make sure she had some vegetables every day. During the summer when I was introducing her to a variety of fresh fruits, the vegetables became few and far between. Part of the problem is that her parents don't eat vegetables every day. I regret not having kept up a steady diet of vegetables for her though because now there are a few (like green beans) that she used to eat without any fuss that now she doesn't want to eat At All. My goal with Ian is to not take a break from serving him veggies at any point.

So far I can only compare the experience of the first 4 days with Ian vs. Nadia. This experience has definitely been different in many ways. In some instances things were easier the first time around such as I had a private room during my whole stay here with Nadia whereas I only had that for about one day this time. Having a private room is SO much better, especially considering I've wanted to go to bed before my roommates have wanted to do so. The NICU policies have changed over the past year. We used to need to really scrub (even gave us a little brush to use under our nails each time) and then wear a yellow gown. Instead of a 3 minute scrub, now they just want all visitors to the NICU to use hand sanitizer, and the gowns are a thing of the past. So the process of going in and out of the NICU is definitely easier this time around although if I end up at the Ronald McDonald House my visits will become more complicated than they are now or would be if i was in what they call the demo room (in the NICU). Last time Nadia was only on the CPAP for a few hours, and Ian has been on it for over 3 days thus far. I am praying he will come off of it today so I can start nursing him. Ian came 2 weeks earlier than Nadia did, which is why I assume he's needed to be on the CPAP longer than she did. He, on the other hand, didn't need to go under the bili lights as soon as she did. He's been much better about leaving his "sunglasses" on, but he

Having already gone through the experiences of a c-section, nursing, and having a baby in the NICU before has definitely led to me handling things better this time around. I knew the incision would be really painful, but I've forced myself to walk sooner and be more independent in general this time around. Same goes for pumping. I was a wimp last time in terms of the setting I kept the pump at for the first several days. I am not saying I haven't had a lot of pain when pumping (even had some bleeding), but I've just told myself to deal with it. The last four times I pumped (throughout the night) each time I was able to get between 5-8ml of milk into the syringes. The nurse put a little directly into his mouth last night so now he has tasted my milk. Mostly he's just been fed through a tube. She had enough from all my syringes to give him one full feeding of my milk instead of formula last night. So all the pumping is paying off! As for having a baby in the NICU, I was VERY stressed out last time and immediately was thinking in terms of when are they going to discharge her. This time I have tried to be a lot more relaxed, and my main focus has just been when will they get him off the CPAP although of course I'm hoping he's discharged as soon as possible!

The little sponge he is holding in the pictures above is in my opinion his first toy. He kept ripping off things he wasn't supposed to rip off, so the nurse put that in his hand instead. It worked! He was waving the sponge all around and that prevented him from messing with his CPAP or the other things attached to him. They said today that not only might he come off the CPAP, but he also might no longer need the arterial line or IV. It would be great if he didn't have so many things attached to him by the end of the day! My mom is now at home taking care of Nadia. I am going to pump and then head down to the NICU. Hopefully the doctors will get to him by 11am. Yesterday I waited for 2 1/2 hours, but they still hadn't come to him by noon. That was one moment I admit I didn't stay very relaxed. I was pretty upset. I am determined to be there when they come to see him today - no matter how many hours I have to wait!

Our fence was supposed to be installed last week, but due to the snow the installation didn't begin until this week (Monday). They should be finishing the work today. My mom says it looks nice. I surely wasn't trying to have a fence installed the week I was in the hospital with Ian, but we weren't expecting him to come so early. I think in the spring and summer I will be very glad we have this fence as it was hard to keep Nadia in our yard this summer.

Seconds

Yesterday I recounted several recent "firsts," and today I was reflecting on several recent second time events.

1. Yesterday was the second time I saw Nadia at the hospital, and today was the second day of her life I went an entire day without seeing her (Saturday was the first). Sunday and Monday Paul's parents brought her to the lobby of the hospital, and I went down in my wheelchair to spend a little time with her. On Sunday she was very clingy with me. Yesterday she kept changing her mind whom she wanted to hold her, but the person she chose the most often during that time span was my mom (whom she hadn't seen in a few weeks). Paul took her home yesterday evening, and Paul's parents returned to their house (having spent 3 days at our house). She got some Daddy time last night and again this morning, and then she spent about 6 hours at Sarah's house today so that Paul could study for his exam and also turn in paperwork for his Master's degree (due on Thursday). Paul's parents said she was looking around the house for Mommy and Daddy a lot. I know she was given wonderful care by Grandma and PopPop, but still it had to be hard for her to be separated from her parents for so long. It's been hard on me that is for SURE!

2. Ian had his second non-family visitor yesterday. My friend, Cheri, stopped in for a visit.

3. Ian also met his second Grandma yesterday as my mom arrived at the hospital at about 4pm on Monday. She has been with me since that point. She'll be heading to our house early tomorrow morning to take care of Nadia while Paul studies for his Thermodynamics final, which he'll be taking at 8am at PSU on Thursday.

4. Yesterday was the second time I got to hold Ian, and today was the third. Aside from Paul holding him briefly in the delivery room, I am the only one, other than medical personnel who has held him thus far. I can't wait until he can spend MANY hours a day in the arms of his parents, grandparents, etc. It's hard to watch a little baby cry and not be able to pick him up and comfort him.

5. Yesterday was the second day that Nadia wore a barrette for an extended period of time. Paul's mom was able to get her to start leaving them in her hair. I think she looks so cute with the barrette, and it also helps keep the hair out of her eyes.

6. Ian is my second child to need to be treated for jaundice. When I called his nurse at 6am to get an update on how he did last night, the first thing she told me was that he was now an orange pumpkin. Sure enough he was placed under the lights in the afternoon. Hopefully his bilirubin count will go down over the next few days as I can't wait to let him wear one of the cute outfits he's been given lately!

7. Two times today I was able to give the nurse some of my milk in a syringe (3 total) for her to use when feeding Ian through the tube. I am very grateful that my milk has come in although it hasn't come in full-force yet. I think the quantity will greatly increase once I am nursing him instead of only pumping. His CPAP level was at six for a long time and then went up to seven for awhile. It has since gone back down to six and now he's at five. I'm hoping and praying that he'll be taken off it completely tomorrow so that I can start nursing him. I need to be discharged by 5pm tomorrow. If he isn't coming off the CPAP tomorrow, then I'll go home until he is coming off of it. If I will be able to nurse him tomorrow, I will either be staying in a room in the NICU (my first choice) or the Ronald McDonald house (my second choice). I should know by noon tomorrow whether they'll be taking him off the CPAP or not.

8. I have had 2 Rhogam shots in the last couple of days. After giving birth to Nadia I only needed one shot, but this time bloodwork revealed that I had started to develop antibodies since I am Rh negative and Ian is Rh positive. My swelling is a little worse today, but it still is much better than it was after I gave birth to Nadia.

9. The condition that Ian has (which requires him to see a urologist in the near future) is one that two of his uncles also were diagnosed with as newborns (Paul's brother and my brother). My brother had the surgery at 6 months, and Paul's brother had it around the age of 5. We don't know yet if Ian needs the surgery, but if he does, he'll have it when he's 6 months old.

10. Of course the biggest "second" which comes to my mind today is that I now have TWO children. I still haven't fully grasped this fact. It still seems strange to say "my son." I have a son!!! I am very, very grateful to the Lord for giving me a daughter and a son. I can't wait until I can spend more time with both of them as right now I'm seeing very little of either of them. This too shall pass. Hopefully even tomorrow I'll be able to start snuggling with my son.

Firsts

On Friday afternoon at our department's faculty meeting two of us received baby shower cards that had been signed by everyone in the department as well as a $25 gift card to Walmart. It hit me that this was the first baby card and/or baby gift I had received during this pregnancy. The other recipient was Pam, an adjunct in our department. She is scheduled to be induced on the 17th (her due date). Pam and her husband already have two girls, and she was also carrying a boy. When I sat there in the faculty meeting, I didn't think that I'd give birth before she did although I really didn't expect to make it anywhere near January 13th. Here are some other recent firsts that come to mind:

1. Paul was the first one to hold Ian (aside from the doctors and nurses).

2. I was the first one to give Ian a kiss (yesterday morning after I had held him for quite awhile).
3. Sharon, a colleague of mine from work, was the first one to visit Ian aside from Paul & I (see 1st photo).

4. The first baby gift we received after having Ian was from Sharon. She gave us a beautiful pointsetta plant, crayons that are meant to be used in the bathtub for Nadia, and two sleepers for Ian - one in newborn size (football themed) for use in the near future, and one (size 3-6 months) in a dinosaur theme for farther down the road.

5. The first extended family members to visit Ian were Paul's parents who saw Ian briefly last evening. They also brought some clothing they had purchased since I didn't have any small stuff for Ian. He now has some adorable onesies and outfits in size newborn as well as a blue pram (size 0-3 months) for him to wear when we need to take him outside. They also picked up the crib mattress at Walmart on Saturday so Paul can now put Ian's crib together sometime before Ian comes home.

6. I was very happy to take my first shower this morning (first since Friday morning). The doctor removed the bandages that were over my incision this morning. The incision is of course very painful, but I know it won't last forever, and at least this time I knew what to expect. I know I'm supposed to be drinking a lot of water so that my milk will come in, but knowing how painful it is to get up and go to the bathroom makes me not want to drink very much. My legs and feet have swollen a little more than yesterday, but it's still FAR, FAR, FAR less than last time. I am VERY grateful for that! My heartburn has gone away again. It's nice to know I can have a cup of hot chocolate without my throat feeling like it's on fire. My blood sugar levels have been fine even though I've been off the gestational diabetes diet. It seems the diabetes is a thing of the past. YAY! My anemia has gotten much worse. They are giving me LOTS of iron.

I've definitely been more relaxed this time around than I was when Nadia was in the NICU. Of course I am still hoping he'll be discharged as soon as possible, but I am trying to set more reasonable expectations than I did after having her as far as when we'll be able to go home. I am hoping that maybe by tomorrow he can come off the CPAP so that I can start nursing him. Last night his calcium was really low so they gave him some by IV. He had one bad episode with this SAT levels so they put in an arterial line, but mostly he hasn't gotten better or worse - he's still breathing very rapidly, but thankfully hasn't needed to go on a ventilator. I haven't heard of his bilirubin count from this morning yet. As of yesterday he hadn't been diagnosed with jaundice. They started giving him some formula through a tube yesterday. I'm hoping my milk will come in soon so that the nurses can put that in his tube instead of formula.

Two times I wasn't exactly relaxed both related to what I was given for breakfast. On Saturday morning I was really hungry because I had been up since 3:15 and also was eating 3 hours later than I usually eat breakfast. Additionally, I had a very small dinner on Friday night. All of this added up to one hungry woman. Because of the GD, they gave me a tiny container of Cheerios and one slice of white bread. I just about flipped out as I saw my roommate had eggs and such. I don't even like white bread, but I at least would like it toasted. Plus this just wasn't enough food. Thankfully Paul and a nurse were able to get me some more food from the family pantry in this ward and also toast my slice of bread. Well the situation was actually worse on Sunday morning. They thought I was on a liquid clear diet so all they brought me for breakfast was a container of jello and a diet soda. I don't drink soda (ever), and although I like jello, I think jello for breakfast sounds disgusting. I again was starving - this time because I hadn't eaten for about 20 hours. Thankfully my nurse intervened and got me a regular breakfast tray. I was about to send Paul to Dunkin Donuts to get me a breakfast bagel. Jello doesn't cut it when you haven't eaten anything for 20 hours! Thankfully now I am receiving regular meals. :-)

Last night I added pictures to the previous three posts; so you might want to look back at those if you haven't already. As soon as Paul gets out of the shower, I want to head down to the NICU to see Ian. I am hoping to get a chance to hold him again today. I went down to see him 4 times yesterday but was only allowed to hold him once.

Birth Story!

Yesterday I was having irregular contractions all throughout the day, as I had been for several days at home and school. Yesterday afternoon the pressure started to get very intense. I had a feeling that Ian's head was down really low, but they didn't think that was likely to be true because I wasn't bleeding. The contractions started to get really painful and very regular (no more than 5 mintues apart). Again, they didn't seem to really think I was in labor. I expressed my pain level a little more vocally, and this seemed to do the trick in finally a doctor coming to check me out. She said she could feel the head (station 0) and that I was now 5cm dilated. They still didn't seem in much of a hurry, but I asked them to check again in 15 minutes and sure enough I was already at 8cm. I don't care what that computer said, I knew the contractions were extremely painful! I wish I had dilated that quickly when I had Nadia! Knowing I was already at 8cm and progressing so quickly definitely got them moving faster in terms of getting me ready for the c-section. I felt much better once the spinal started to work. The spinal was done about 5pm, and Ian was born at 5:29pm. They finished stitching me up at about 6:30pm. Unlike last time, Paul was able to be with me in the delivery room once they had me totally prepped for the c-section. Although I haven't been able to hold him yet, at least my wait to see him was much shorter this time around. Paul got to hold him for a few seconds before they whisked Ian off to the NICU. I forgot how tiny and helpless a newborn cries sound - especially those born prematurely. We didn't learn anything about him (height, weight, or health condition) until a few hours later when I was cleared to be taken by bed down to the NICU.

He weighed 6lb 1oz, which is pretty good for coming 5 1/2 weeks early! Nadia came 3 1/2 weeks early, and she weighed 6lb 2oz. He's a little shorter than Nadia was at birth. She was 19 1/4 inches long, and he is 18 3/4 inches long. He's having some trouble breathing. Thankfully he only needs to be on the very lowest setting of the CPAP. I'm hoping he comes off that sometime today. He has a lot of bruising on his face (eyelids, forehead) so I'm fearful that's going to make his bilirubin count go up. Thankfully, his blood sugar levels have been fine. They said the bruising was from the position he was in for so long after my water broke. They are giving him an antiobiotic until they get the results back as to whether he has an infection or not. He has dark brown hair that from my brief look in the delivery room seems to be curly. Nadia's arms were so thin when she was in the NICU, but Ian has chubby little arms. I'm hoping to be able to attempt to nurse him sometime today or tomorrow. I started pumping last night so hopefully it won't be long until my milk comes in.

I had 5 people volunteer to proctor exams for me this week (only needed 3) so that has been taken care of. Paul will go pick up the exams on Friday and then I'll need to grade all of them by next Wednesday morning as that's when the final course grades are due to the Registrar. Paul's professor is going to allow him to postpone when he takes his Thermodynamics final exam. He hasn't worked out the specifics yet, but he is relieved to know he doesn't need to take it at 8am tomorrow.

Yesterday was the first day in Nadia's life that I didn't get to see her at all. I cried quite a few times yesterday over this. Today I am going to see her somehow, even if it's in the parking lot. They aren't allowing any visitors in the hospital under the age of 16 due to H1N1. I know Paul's parents are taking really good care of her. They went shopping yesterday as I didn't have any newborn size onesies or sleepers for Ian. I did have one preemie size sleeper from Nadia and two newborn size outfits that I purchased recently at JCP. Otherwise everything I have starts at size 0-3 months. I also didn't have any sort of outerwear for him. I believe Paul's parents picked up those items for us yesterday - outerwear (0-3 months), onesies (newborn), etc. I didn't get to hold either of my children yesterday. I would be thrilled if I get to hold both of them today!!! Please pray that Ian's stay in the NICU will be as brief as possible. The first step is for his breathing to improve so he can be taken off of the CPAP.

I had a few "wishes" that I kept praying about regarding Ian's birth. The first was that he wouldn't need to go to the NICU. Obviously that one didn't go the way I was hoping. However, a couple of others did such as I was concerned I might go into labor while Paul was at PSU and then he probably wouldn't have gotten to the hospital in time to be there for the c-section. Of course in the end I was at the hospital for over 12 hours before they did the c-section, but I am very grateful my water broke when he was at home. Secondly, I was praying that I wouldn't swell up so badly as I did last time. So far I seem to be doing MUCH better in that regard. PTL! Of course I also was praying for Ian's health (far more important than these other "wishes"). I have to say my OB really had me scared about Down's Syndrome. I am grateful that they have only found one problem with Ian so far. It actually eliminated our need to make a decision about circumcision, LOL! He won't be allowed to have one. He has a little problem with that area of his body. He'll be seeing a urologist sometime after discharge. They said he might need surgery at 6 months to repair the problem. I am very grateful that other than this problem, he doesn't seem to have any health issues that we will need to deal with after discharge. PTL!

Paul spent the night with me last night, but I am going to encourage him to sleep at home tonight because he is a very sound sleeper and it didn't do me any good to have him here because I couldn't wake him up (said his name, threw a pillow at him, etc.). I didn't want to talk TOO loudly for the sake of my roommate (last time I had a private room but not so this time). I ended up having to call for the nurse each time I needed help throughout the night (with pumping and such). My roommate is being discharged today so we shall see if I get a new roommate right away or not. She gave birth on Friday morning (4am) to twin girls. She was only 28 weeks along so her babies will be in the NICU for a few months.

Water Broke!

At 3:15 this morning my water broke. First we called Paul's parents to come up and watch Nadia. A few days ago I had started to pack a suitcase and had made a list of what still needed to go in the suitcase. We gathered those items (such as the boppy) and then called our neighbor. The neighbor sent one of her daughters over to stay at our house until Paul's parents arrived. We arrived at the hospital at about 4:30am. I was in the triage bed until about 6am. They have more than one triage room, and there are two beds in each room. Ironically, I have been in the same triage bed three times now - June 23, 2008, December 2, 2009, and December 12, 2009. Because I have not gone into labor and don't have any infections, they are going to try to wait until Wednesday, when I will hit 35 weeks, to deliver Ian. This morning I was still only 2cm dilated, and thus far I haven't started having regular contractions. I'm being given two different antibiotics by IV to prevent Ian and myself from getting any infections. If I give birth before Wednesday, then Ian must go to the NICU. If I make it until Wednesday then he won't automatically have to go there. So I'm hoping to make it until Wednesday. It's going to be hard to be separated from Nadia so much the next several days! I haven't asked yet what the visitation policy is; I'm praying she will be able to come see us every day. Right now I just want breakfast! I had peanut butter toast for dinner (that's all) and then before I went to bed I had a trail mix bar. I am hungry as usually I eat breakfast around 6am. They estimate that Ian weighs about 5lb 11oz now. Please pray that he'll be able to wait until Wednesday to be born!

Paul's final exam is supposed to be Monday morning at 8am. I think he's going to try to get an extension. I need to find people to proctor my exams for me next Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday night.