Baby shower

Well I think it's a blessing that I have almost no friends who are my age. Most of my friends are 10-30 years older than me which means they are not of childbearing age. Many of them are grandparents. For example, in choir there is only one other woman under the age of 40 besides myself. And she's in her early 20's and is expecting her first baby (due the end of March). They are having a surprise shower for her (and her husband) next Sunday night; they both joined the choir a few months ago. I planned to just skip the rehearsal that night (as almost the whole rehearsal is going to be the shower). Baby showers have been emotionally hard for me for many years (actually even before we started trying 5 years ago) so I have only been going to those of people I am close to. Since I have never spoken to this woman (she's a soprano and sits far from where I sit as an alto), I don't feel this is one I need to attend (although I did give money toward the gift and sign the card).

Well this morning we had rehearsal at 8:00 due to the Superbowl tonight, and during the rehearsal the director asked me (in front of everyone) if I could play the flute with the choir on the 18th. I said yes as that would be no problem. Then it hit me that the only time I will have to rehearse my flute with the choir would be next Sunday night. Later in the morning I pulled aside a woman who I knew would understand my plight. She had many miscarriages (a couple of ectopics, etc.) and adopted her first child and then had a successful pregnancy after that. So although she's been a mom for over 20 years, I hoped she'd understand why this was a hard decision for me as I think it took she and her husband something like seven years from when they first started trying to get pregnant until they adopted their first child. So I burst into tears and explained my situation. I couldn't decide if this meant I should go to the baby shower after all? I didn't see how I could attend the rehearsal for 10 minutes and then leave. That would seem far more awkward than just not going at all. I thought I guess I have to sit through a baby shower and try my best not to cry, but then I thought why do I have to do this for a woman I don't even really know at all??? I kept going back and forth in my mind and wishing that this wasn't so hard. Most women love going to baby showers, and I loved going to them myself say 15 years ago, but I haven't enjoyed them for a long time. I haven't been to one since my miscarriage in 2005, and my due date anniversary is coming up in 3 weeks which just made the timing seem even harder for me.

I know we might adopt from Ukraine sometime this year, and that does give me hope that I might become a mom in 2007. But I assumed that would be true in 2003, 2004, 2005, and 2006 also, especially in 2005 and 2006 since we started pursuing adoption in 2004. But even if we adopt there are still things I will grieve...not feeling a baby move inside me, not seeing a beating heart on an ultrasound, not looking at a child and seeing how that child resembles Paul & I in some ways, not nursing a child, etc. And if we only adopt from Ukraine I will grieve not being able to parent a child under the age of 2 (or maybe under the age of 6 for all we know). I know the main thing is we will finally be parents, and that will be a very happy thing, but it doesn't mean all the loss and pain will disappear.

Well this lady at church suggested I tell the choir director I wouldn't be at rehearsal that night but that I would practice with the pianist and/or organist between now and then and of course practice with the choir a few minutes prior to the service. I just left a message to that effect. I hope I am not causing a big problem. I really thought it would be simple to just skip the baby shower, but that didn't end up being the case.

Well on a happier note hopefully tomorrow we can schedule our time to sign off on the home study, and also we plan to redo our audio clip for Lifetime tomorrow morning.