The last 5 days

When Ian came down with pink eye nine days ago, we went into "stay at home" mode. We skipped the co-op, only Nadia went to church last Sunday, I didn't go to handbell choir rehearsal last Monday night, and we didn't go to ladies Bible study last Tuesday. Life started to return to normal for the kids on Wednesday when they went to AWANA, and we did go to our two co-ops on Thursday and Friday morning. Oliver and Ian have gotten over their pink eye. Nadia and Ian seem to be  healthy again.

Oliver still has a cough, but his nose isn't running as much. Paul and I feel lousy. We both have really sore throats, runny noses, earaches, etc. I've had a fever. Paul has been coughing up a lung. We all want to get healthy in time to celebrate Paul's mom's birthday with her in a couple of weeks. Nadia had her next to last soccer game yesterday morning, and it was her second best ever performance. She again came VERY close to scoring a goal. We were proud of her. Another child's grandparent came up to us and commented on how much Nadia has improved. She's by no means the best player on the team, but she is a much bigger asset to her team than she was during her first season in the spring.

I had eight children in my 3rd-5th grade Sunday School class this morning (more than usual). The church's children's choir used to practice on Wednesday night, but they moved it to 10:00-10:25 on Sunday mornings so Nadia participated in the King's Kids choir for the first time today (in between Sunday School and church). Last week (when I wasn't there) she attended Super Church for the first time (the children's church program for kids in K-5th grade), and I think she was disappointed that I didn't let her go today, but I decided when our kids are in Kindergarten they will start attending the worship service with me.

We had lunch at church, and all three kids did a good job! Then we picked up Paul at home and headed to Williamsport to see a production of Rumpelstiltskin. It was very well done, and the kids (even Oliver!) paid attention and enjoyed it. I look forward to the day when Nadia is old enough to be on the stage of something like that. Then we came home, and I was able to watch my team win. Normally I would feel bummed about a 2-4 record, but after starting out 0-4, a 2-4 record seems much better. It's all a matter of perspective. Hopefully the Giants can end their 6 game losing streak tomorrow night.

Paul had his second peer observation on Wednesday night. He wasn't given any warning this time. I've submitted seven applications for him thus far, and I'm hoping to finish four more over the next few days. Those eleven applications are going to schools in PA (1), FL (2), SC (2), VA (1), NJ (1), IN (1), GA (1), and OH (2). I hoping that it won't take 88 applications this time around, and more importantly I'm praying for a tenure track job offer so we don't have to keep applying every year.

Last night we went on a date. Part of it included a stop at Rite Aid to buy Nyquil, Dayquil, cough drops, etc. We would have enjoyed it even more if we had been feeling better, but it still was nice to get out (just the two of us) for the first time in two months. A woman from our church who is a senior pre-med major babysat the kids for three hours. It was the first time in  more than a year that we paid a babysitter. The kids seemed to enjoy her. We'd like to get back in the habit of going out once a month, which we haven't been doing the last 17 months.

The reason for my lack of posting lately has been due to how I've been feeling emotionally. This miscarriage has hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. A woman at church today told me of a lady she once knew who had 11 children. She had a miscarriage in between her 10th and 11th child, and she said many couldn't believe she was upset about that miscarriage since she already had 10 children at home. The woman replied that she loved each child very much from the start. Having other children doesn't mean you don't grieve the loss of a child.

For me, the first two miscarriages were still harder since we had no children and wondered if we would ever have any, but the difference in emotional pain between those and this one is not as large as I thought it would be. While I was in the hospital during Oliver's pregnancy, I remember thinking that if the FET didn't result in a viable pregnancy, I would feel both sad and also a sense of relief as I dreaded the idea of being pregnant again. In reality, I haven't felt any relief. I've only felt sad.

Part of me feels like we need to try one more time asap (since I'm 41 years old), but actually I can't bring myself to go through another ivf cycle (and Paul would likely think I was insane for even contemplating it). If we hadn't ever pursued adoption before, I would be asking Paul to consider that, but I can't even think about doing our fourth home study, and I don't think we could afford it with me being a stay-at-home mom now. I thought over the past 14 months that I was completely adjusted to the idea that our family was complete, but I have discovered that actually I had been very aware of that frozen embryo that whole time. All the "lasts" didn't hit me as hard along the way because I didn't know at the time that it was the last time I'd nurse a baby, buy newborn size clothing, have people congratulate me on a pregnancy, feel a baby kick within me, wait for the ultrasound to find out the gender, cuddle my own tiny infant, etc. Now that I know Oliver will always be our youngest child, I find myself wanting even more to really savor every moment. As a silly example, he has a pair of brown dress shoes that used to be Ian's, but he doesn't have a pair of black dress shoes. Usually I'd think it frivolous for a 14 month old boy to own two pairs of dress shoes, but I have decided to buy him a pair of black dress shoes for Sundays. I won't ever be buying size 4 shoes again (at least not for a child of mine). Now is the time to do so. It's emotionally harder to sort through Oliver and Nadia's clothing when they outgrow things as I'm giving almost everything away, but the upside is that there is less clutter in our basement now that I know to only save Ian's things for Oliver.

I took two videos yesterday. Neither one is anything to write home about, but I figure their grandmas will enjoy seeing them. Nadia is really making great progress with her reading skills! She completed the Level 1 reading program and has started Level 2. Paul was impressed that she could correctly identify closed versus open syllables (we've started working on long vowels), as he didn't know what I was talking about at first. She also can correctly identify how many syllables a word has (from 1-4 syllables). We need to keep working on Ian's verses, but I will say that the new version of the Cubbies book is a lot harder (longer verses) than when Nadia did it two years ago. So there you have it, two videos, eleven pictures, and a lengthy post to make up for my lack of posting the past few days.