Due Date

Although there were many, many times when I calculated what my due date *would* be if a particular fertility treatment was successful (ex. injectibles with IUI), there were six times when I actually had a due date. Pregnancies #1, 2, and 6 ended in a miscarriage, and the other three times I gave birth four to nine weeks before the due date. I was very aware of my first due date (February 2006). The second one (April 2008) I did not think about as much once I found out that Nadia was due in July 2008. I have been very aware of my last due date. Most people don't know about a baby's existence until they find out they are pregnant. With IVF you learn about the embryos the day after fertilization. Ian and Oliver were transferred five days after conception. Nadia was frozen for three months before she was transferred to my womb. Our fifth embryo transfer was unique because that embryo was frozen for twenty months before the transfer. All throughout Oliver's pregnancy and through the first year of his life, I was very aware of the little one I hoped would result in my fourth c-section. Since that miscarriage, I have thought many times over the past months of where I would have been in the pregnancy. Although today was my due date, I assume I probably would have given birth in April, given my past history (although I would have loved to avoid the NICU if I had a fourth baby). I wish that little one was in my arms right now, but she (Nadia always refers to that baby as her sister) is with Jesus instead. I will meet (him or) her some day along with the others who went to Heaven before I could meet them.

I would have loved to have had four children, but that was not God's will for me. When I find myself feeling sadness at something like the sight of a pregnant belly, I try to focus on my blessings. I don't want my longing for another child to take away any joy in my life. I am extremely grateful to be a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom of Nadia, Ian, and Oliver - my three miracles from the Lord. This little one may not have spent long within my womb, but I prayed for that little one for over twenty months and have not forgotten him or her over the past months since the miscarriage. I wish that our trying to conceive journey wasn't ending on a sad note, but I am eternally grateful that the third, fourth, and fifth pregnancies had very happy endings!