Love Languages

When Paul and I were dating, I read Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages. I believe it was Wendy who had told me about the book. One of her primary love languages (at least back then) was receiving gifts, and this was the lowest one for her first boyfriend. In 1997 I thought that quality time and physical touch were my two primary love languages. Earlier this week I received an email that one of the pastors sent to all the married couples in the church. He said that he will be sending one email a week for nine weeks focused on the fruit of the Spirit. This week's videos were about love. Pastor Mike made one for husbands to watch and his wife made one for wives to watch. He also shared a link to a love language quiz. The Bible study I started attending last night is focused on friendship, and at one point in the video they talked about knowing the love language of your friends so you would know the best way to show love to them. In the past I've given thought to the love languages of Paul and our kids but not my friends. I clicked on the link and took the quiz for couples. When I took it yesterday, it said my primary love language was words of affirmation and my second was acts of service. I didn't write down my results yesterday so I took it again this morning. I evidently made some different choices this morning as this time it said my primary love language was acts of service. Both times the numbers were very close to 30% for each one so I'd say that both of those are my primary love language right now with Paul. Physical touch was my third (23%). Receiving gifts was my lowest one 23 years ago. It still had a much lower score than the other three (10%), but my lowest in 2020 was quality time (6%). 

My situation is very different now than it was 23 years ago when I was single living in a two bedroom apartment. If there was a problem, I'd tell the landlady. The amount of cooking, cleaning, and laundry that I was doing was very small compared to now because I didn't have a lawn to mow and I lived by myself. I absolutely love being a mom, but having quality time together with Paul has pretty much disappeared the past twelve years. Even though quality time showed up on this quiz today as my lowest score (6%), I would say that quality time is still my primary love language with my friends. Talking to a friend on the phone or spending time talking with them face-to-face means the world to me. Part of the reason I homeschool our kids is because I want quality time with them. Although I enjoy giving my friends a hug, I would say that I most long to express physical touch with my kids and Paul. I think that words of affirmation has always been a significant love language for me. Probably the person who showed love to me that way the most in my life was my mom. I have definitely felt that void since she passed away. That is not a love language that comes naturally for Paul. Of my three kids, Ian is the one most likely to express words of affirmation to me. I think I'm going to ask Tab and Cheri what their love languages are. I think that acts of service soared up much higher for me because I am not very talented with using tools and there are many projects around the house I've been waiting for several years for Paul to complete. At this point in our marriage, acts of service is the most meaningful way he could express love to me, but he doesn't have the time for them due to his long hours at work and how exhausted he is when he is at home. Physical touch is still one of my top three love languages. I don't think I'll ever forget how Paul held me the whole night after the police called me to tell me that my brother had died. His physical touch the first week following that phone call was incredibly helpful. I'm not sure what my Aunt's love language is, but the boys and I picked out a flower arrangement today that I'm going to transport to Long Island in two days. I do know she loves fresh flowers!

The website had a quiz for teens and one for kids ages 9-12. I had all three kids take that particular quiz even though Oliver is technically too young. They suggested for kids ages 5-8 that you have the child draw pictures showing what love looks like to them, but Oliver is NOT a fan of drawing so I didn't think that would work too well for him. Oliver's results came out as I would have expected with physical touch being his primary love language (30%). I think the fact I asked him the questions exactly seven days before his birthday skewed some of the results as receiving gifts was tied with quality time at 20% for him. He's really not one that is much into gifts, but it is on his mind right now with his birthday just around the corner. I also was not surprised that Nadia's score for physical touch was ZERO or that receiving gifts was her next lowest at 5%. She said she thought quality time is her primary love language with her friends, but words of affirmation came up as her primary one on the quiz at 45% whereas she was at 25% for quality time and acts of service. I wouldn't have guessed that words of affirmation was that high for her. Even if the quiz results aren't accurate, it won't hurt for me to be purposeful at giving her words of affirmation more frequently. I expected physical touch and receiving gifts be Ian's primary love languages, but they were tied for second (20%) as quality time came in at 30% as his primary love language. Acts of service and words of affirmation were both at 15% for Ian. In reality, I have always thought that it's good to show love in a variety of ways to friends and family not just their primary love language. I rarely hug Nadia since that is her preference, but I spend quality time with all three kids almost every day of the year, help them in many ways almost every day (acts of service), buy them gifts at different times in the year, give the boys many hugs a day, and also speak words of affirmation fairly often. I remember from reading the book that the author said that we tend to best express our love in the ways that we most appreciate receiving it. In terms of "receiving gifts" this surprises me because Nadia is the most prone of the three kids to think of giving gifts to others whereas she scored much lower in that category than her brothers. I'd like to work with all three kids on this as they don't make each other cards or gifts for birthdays. They make things for Paul for his birthday and Father's Day because I initiate the process, but making or buying things for Christmas, birthday, Mother's Day, etc. isn't something any of them usually do aside from the Christmas gifts they get for others at AWANA. They tend to spend all of the money they receive on themselves albeit my desire is that they use some to buy things for others and also tithe. There is always room for improvement in how we show love to others!