Remembrances

Well tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my one and only due date. So many times over the years we had been trying to get pregnant I had known when my due date *would* be if I finally saw two lines, but this time I actually was told when my EDD was on several occasions by my RE. This time it wasn't something I merely hoped would happen, but in fact in my electronic medical chart he entered 2/24/06 as my due date. So I have had many thoughts (and tears) this week as I have let myself think about it more than I usually do. I'll just share a few of my memories.

Happy memories would be for starters thinking I saw TWO lines and then even more than that hearing the nurse on the phone tell me yes I was pregnant (barely - an hcg of less than 12). I wanted to scream from the rooftop I was finally pregnant (after three years of trying that included seven medicated cycles). The moment I had looked forward to for about 2 decades was finally here - I was going to have a baby!!! I first posted the news to the women online who had followed my story (as long as they promised not to tell Paul that I told them first, lol). After years of posting BFN as the result at the end of every cycle, I was finally able to type BFP in reference to me! Of course big fat positive was not the best way to describe my very faint line but that's the lingo used on those discussion boards. Then I went to CVS and bought a Father's Day card (which was just around the corner) and a candybar and drove 30 minutes to where Paul worked at the time and told him our happy news. His dad figured out what it was about just because it was the first time I had come to see Paul at work in the middle of the day (with a huge smile on my face of course). Then after I told Paul I immediately started using my cellphone on the way home to start telling others. I couldn't believe I got to finally say the words at the age of 33, "I am pregnant!". I remember feeling a huge sense of relief that our days of ovulation tests and shots and trying to time everything just right were over. And I remember getting my first (and it proved to be the only) congratulations card (from an online friend), and I remember sitting in the choir loft in church on Father's Day looking out at Paul and having tears stream down my face, but for the first time they were tears of JOY not the usual tears of grief I shed on such holidays. I also remember being glad when I felt nauseated as it reassured me I was pregnant.

Of course there are more sad memories than happy ones. A few of the sad ones would include the bad news we kept getting that my HCG was not doubling as fast as it was supposed to and the ultrasounds only showing the corpus luteum (pregnancy cyst). I had so longed for the day when an ultrasound would show a sac and then later a heartbeat, etc after having dozens of ultrasounds showing the progress leading up to ovulation in all the medicated cycles we had done. And yet the doctor printed out empty ultrasounds each visit, and of course he didn't give me copies like he would have had there been something happy to see in there. The worst moments of all were first when I started having this awful brown discharge. I remember Paul racing upstairs to the bathroom after I started screaming "NO! NO! NO!" in a panicked voice when I saw the external evidence that something was very wrong, and that was confirmed a little later at the RE when I heard that my hcg has stayed the same (I kept clinging to hope as long as it was going up even though it was going up too slowly). I sobbed in the RE's office after the nurse told me the number. Then on July 5 the RE said I had to have the chemo shots because my hcg had continued to (slowly) rise. It didn't seem I was going to miscarry on my own. The physical pain was horrific the next few days, but I think that actually helped some emotionally. Then I had to endure repeated bloodwork for a few weeks to make sure my hcg kept going down. I remember every time sitting there thinking for years I have longed to have hcg in my system and now I am wishing for it to go away as soon as possible????

Technically my pregnancy was never a clinical pregnancy because not even a sac was seen in an ultrasound. It was technically a chemical pregnancy although it lasted longer than a chemical pregnancy is supposed to last; so for that reason mine was labeled ectopic although that couldn't be proven. We'll never know for sure, but it seems that no matter where the embryo was - something wasn't right with the embryo because the hcg was so very slow in going up (which is not a typical sign of an ectopic pregnancy). I feel like I have such little proof I had a baby for a few weeks. I have no ultrasound pictures; no one ever looked at me and could tell I was pregnant. All I have are a few pregnancy tests that I saved, a few sympathy cards that I received in the mail after it was over, and a card I carry in my wallet saying I've had one shot of Rhogam (due to Rh incompatibility between Paul and I).

I wonder if my baby is in heaven. David's statement in the Old Testament is used to support this idea. If it's true, how will I recognize my baby? We are not sure if we will recognize people we've known on earth once we're in our glorified bodies, but what about a baby we never laid eyes on and never held? Well I know there are no tears in heaven so either I'll get to meet my child or it won't bother me that I won't be able to do so. Does this brief pregnancy make me a mom already? I don't feel like a mother, and people don't think of me as a mother.

Well if I've learned anything through this hard journey the last five years I have at least learned all the things NOT to say. Such as not to tell a woman it's good news she got pregnant because this means "at least she can get pregnant." I was told this so soon after my loss by many people "in real life" and online who viewed it as a "step in the right direction." How is me losing a baby a step in a good direction? We did the same shots and IUI that brought about that pregnancy three times since then, and it never resulted in another pregnancy. Not that it's impossible that I might be pregnant again some day, but I haven't in the 20 months since that pregnancy so I don't see that it was a step in the right direction.

Well I've rambled on enough. This event encompasses both the happiest and saddest moments of my life; so it's hard to be concise. As the tears stream down my face as I type I am just hoping against hope that my arms will not remain empty for too many more years.

Baby shower

Well I think it's a blessing that I have almost no friends who are my age. Most of my friends are 10-30 years older than me which means they are not of childbearing age. Many of them are grandparents. For example, in choir there is only one other woman under the age of 40 besides myself. And she's in her early 20's and is expecting her first baby (due the end of March). They are having a surprise shower for her (and her husband) next Sunday night; they both joined the choir a few months ago. I planned to just skip the rehearsal that night (as almost the whole rehearsal is going to be the shower). Baby showers have been emotionally hard for me for many years (actually even before we started trying 5 years ago) so I have only been going to those of people I am close to. Since I have never spoken to this woman (she's a soprano and sits far from where I sit as an alto), I don't feel this is one I need to attend (although I did give money toward the gift and sign the card).

Well this morning we had rehearsal at 8:00 due to the Superbowl tonight, and during the rehearsal the director asked me (in front of everyone) if I could play the flute with the choir on the 18th. I said yes as that would be no problem. Then it hit me that the only time I will have to rehearse my flute with the choir would be next Sunday night. Later in the morning I pulled aside a woman who I knew would understand my plight. She had many miscarriages (a couple of ectopics, etc.) and adopted her first child and then had a successful pregnancy after that. So although she's been a mom for over 20 years, I hoped she'd understand why this was a hard decision for me as I think it took she and her husband something like seven years from when they first started trying to get pregnant until they adopted their first child. So I burst into tears and explained my situation. I couldn't decide if this meant I should go to the baby shower after all? I didn't see how I could attend the rehearsal for 10 minutes and then leave. That would seem far more awkward than just not going at all. I thought I guess I have to sit through a baby shower and try my best not to cry, but then I thought why do I have to do this for a woman I don't even really know at all??? I kept going back and forth in my mind and wishing that this wasn't so hard. Most women love going to baby showers, and I loved going to them myself say 15 years ago, but I haven't enjoyed them for a long time. I haven't been to one since my miscarriage in 2005, and my due date anniversary is coming up in 3 weeks which just made the timing seem even harder for me.

I know we might adopt from Ukraine sometime this year, and that does give me hope that I might become a mom in 2007. But I assumed that would be true in 2003, 2004, 2005, and 2006 also, especially in 2005 and 2006 since we started pursuing adoption in 2004. But even if we adopt there are still things I will grieve...not feeling a baby move inside me, not seeing a beating heart on an ultrasound, not looking at a child and seeing how that child resembles Paul & I in some ways, not nursing a child, etc. And if we only adopt from Ukraine I will grieve not being able to parent a child under the age of 2 (or maybe under the age of 6 for all we know). I know the main thing is we will finally be parents, and that will be a very happy thing, but it doesn't mean all the loss and pain will disappear.

Well this lady at church suggested I tell the choir director I wouldn't be at rehearsal that night but that I would practice with the pianist and/or organist between now and then and of course practice with the choir a few minutes prior to the service. I just left a message to that effect. I hope I am not causing a big problem. I really thought it would be simple to just skip the baby shower, but that didn't end up being the case.

Well on a happier note hopefully tomorrow we can schedule our time to sign off on the home study, and also we plan to redo our audio clip for Lifetime tomorrow morning.

Sanctity of Human Life Sunday

Well since I have ended up in tears the last couple of times I've been in a church service that was focused on being pro-life, I decided not to attend the service today. I went to choir rehearsal at 8:00 am (it's usually at 7:15 pm but there was a special program tonight at 7:00 instead of the usual evening service at 6:00 pm) and Sunday School at 9:30, but I didn't stay for the 10:45 service when I saw a director of a crisis pregnancy center was the guest speaker. I've always been strongly opposed to abortion, but now that I've dealt with the heartache of longing for children but not being able to have them (we've tried to get pregnant for 57 months) or adopt them (we've tried to adopt for 27 months) as well as the pain of losing a baby in the early stage of pregnancy in July 2005, I just absolutely cannot dwell on the topic without crying. Speaking of the miscarriage, I cannot wait until the junk mail from that will end. I made the mistake of signing up for a few free things back when I was pregnant, and that resulted in a LOT of junk mail over the past 18 months. I have kept the free samples of formula and diapers that have come periodically (every time they think our child has progressed to the next size of diapers or the next stage of formula), but it's really hard to get constant reminders of how old our child would be right now if he/she wasn't in heaven. Recently they have been about our child's upcoming first birthday. :-( My due date had been 2/24. The other frequent reminder along those lines is a woman at work, who gives technology workshops, had a baby right around my EDD. She always shows pictures of her daughter at every training session, and then I always think about the baby we lost.

Anyhow, I asked our Ukrainian adoption facilitator today about "what if we adopt a newborn between now and when we travel to Ukraine" and she said - just don't volunteer that information. I think I am still leaning toward submitting our materials before the 2-9 deadline, but I am not expecting us to be chosen. In part I can't believe I am "up" for doing this again. In November I had decided I couldn't go through this again. With Lifetime we don't know the details or know when exactly we are being shown which is much easier to handle. It reminds me of all the fertility treatments. After I'd do a round, I'd say there was no way I'd put myself through that again, but then after some time passed hope would "spring eternal" and I'd be game for another whirl. So here I am again, knowing our "odds" are very slim and yet am willing to set myself up for feelings of disappointment/rejection/grief one more time just out of the hope that maybe just maybe this will be the time we get chosen. I think though that after we pay the next set of fees for adopting from Ukraine (about $5,300), I will ask to be taken off this lawyer's email list as we cannot afford to be putting money toward three different adoption options. Two is enough (Lifetime and Ukraine)!

Well hopefully I will make contact with the social worker tomorrow and be able to schedule our water test as well as our appointment to meet her at a notary and sign off on the home study.

A synopsis of the first 4 1/2 years of our journey

1. Paul and I got married in 2001 and began trying to have a baby in 2002. We began fertility treatments in 2003.
2. In the spring of 2004 we began seriously discussing various adoption options. We decided that in November we would start pursuing adoption if I wasn't pregnant by then.
3. In November 2004 we started the home study process with Jennifer, a social worker with Schuylkill County’s Children and Youth Services.
4. On December 7, 2004 we began a two year contract with Lifetime, an adoption facilitator in California.
5. In January 2005 we mailed Lifetime 50 profiles.
6. In June 2005 we learned I was finally pregnant (from our seventh round of fertility treatments). Sadly we lost this baby in July.
7. In February 2006 we began the process of completing a home study update as ours was soon to expire.
8. In March 2006 we started discussing other adoption options since the domestic newborn adoption was taking longer than we anticipated.
9. After taking many new photos, in May 2006 we mailed Lifetime 20 more profiles.
10. In September 2006 we mailed Lifetime 25 more profiles.
11. During the summer of 2006 we were added to the contact list of an attorney in Jacksonville, Florida. We considered asking to be presented for one situation in July, and then in November we were one of six couples presented to the birthfamily of a baby boy born on 11-17. We learned on December 19 that a local family would be chosen.
12. On December 19 after months of discussion about IVF and many adoption options, we decided to start pursuing the adoption of two children from Ukraine. Since the ectopic pregnancy in 2005 we completed three additional rounds of unsuccessful fertility treatments; in August we were told IVF (which we haven't tried yet) is our only remaining option.