Bow the Knee

A couple of songs that we've sung lately in choir have really spoken to me. A few weeks ago we sang "Thank You for the Valleys" by Cindy Berry. She happens to be one of my favorite composers (as evidenced by my books of piano arrangements). If you click here, you can listen to the song. I can't say when I've been in a "valley" that I've ever been thankful for it. To be honest, even once I've been out of the valley I am not generally thankful for the valley itself although at times I have gotten to the point where I could be thankful for what I learned during that time or for how it led to something else that was good. I agree with Cindy though that the valleys have drawn me closer to Him.

Last night one of the songs we rehearsed was "Bow the Knee" (click the link if you want to listen) which is arranged by Tom Fettke (another great composer). The gist of this song is that during those times in life when life doesn't make sense to us that we need to trust the heart of our Father. It reminds me of the verse "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding..." I used to remind myself often that my job was to trust, not to try to understand. We started ttc in May 2002, and a year later had begun medical treatments. I kept hoping that the next new thing would be what would lead to us becoming parents - Clomid, then injectibles, then an IUI, then domestic adoption, and the valley got much deeper in July 2005 when we lost our first baby. Then we pursued additional ways to adopt including int'l adoption. The deepest point of the valley came in June 2007. At that point we had done 10 medicated cycles with RE's (7 of which were injectibles), tried to adopt through Lifetime for 2 1/2 years as well as been presented a few times by a lawyer in FL, and had sent 2 dossiers to Ukraine yet were no closer to becoming parents than when we started ttc 5 years earlier. So we signed a contract with a different adoption facilitator and started the ivf process. Finally in November 2007 we got to see our baby on the u/s screen for the first time ever!! I was finally out of the valley! Of course that's not to say everything in life has gone smoothly since then, but honestly the ups and downs of life the past 16 months seem like a plateau compared to the deep valleys of ttc and adopt for 5 1/2 years.

This is the main thing that scares me about doing ivf again. I don't want to go through another ttc valley of another miscarriage. Yet the thought that I might be holding Nadia's brother or sister in my arms in 2010 makes me want to get on the rollercoaster again. I pray this ride ends on the wonderful note that our FET did, but either way I need to trust my Father. I feel like saying to Him that I know I can learn so much through valleys, but could I learn those things through other kinds of valleys? Haven't I experienced a long enough ttc valley already? I know the next ttc and/or adoption valley won't be 5 1/2 years long. I'm sure we'd decide to just have one child long before then. Although I do really, really want another child, I do find some consolation in knowing if we encounter a valley again we won't be in it as long this time around. I just need to keep reminding myself again and again that God is in control, and He loves me.

Ballet Shoes

Yesterday's post was my 800th. I learned after the fact that there is a tradition as to how to commemorate the 100th post. Are there any other ones that are usually done in a certain way? I guess I'll hit 1,000 later this year.

The DVD I checked out from the library yesterday was "Ballet Shoes" based on the book by Noel Streatfield. I remember loving her books when I was a child (a variety of "shoe" titles). That's something I am going to enjoy with Nadia - reading books to her that I enjoyed many years ago. Well the movie was very good. I'd let Nadia watch it if she was older. I wondered why it was rated PG (it seemed "G" to me), and it turns out it's because there was some smoking in it. I didn't know cigarette smoking was a reason for a movie to be PG instead of G. You learn something every day! :) It's been too long since I've read the book for me to say how true to the book the movie was, but either way I thought it was a nice chick flick.

Thanks for the suggestions to get size 4 diapers for at night. I'll try it! I had done that previously when she was in a smaller size, but the lb range for size 3 diapers is SOOO big, and since, she's only 18 lbs I didn't think that would work this time around, but it's worth a try. Hopefully that will do the trick. Last night her diaper didn't leak so it's not like it happens every night, but it's happened enough lately that I want to try something else. Speaking of diapers, one downside of her eating so much solid food is that boy have the # of poopy diapers greatly increased! When she was a newborn pretty much every diaper was messy & wet, but then we had a stretch there of a few months where she'd have as few as one poopy diaper a week. Well now we are back to a few a day - almost every diaper is both messy & wet.

She still LOVES her bathtime. In the first picture she has a number 4 in her mouth. Her daddy wants her to love math, but I am not sure what he thinks of her "eating" numbers. I know he's not crazy about her eating books, LOL! Her attention span for being read to has dramatically improved lately. We often read 6-7 books to her in one sitting, and these are NOT super short books.

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss!

Yesterday many schools and libraries celebrated Dr. Seuss's birthday. Our library had a party in honor of Dr. Seuss last night, and they had left over cake. So I brought Paul home a piece of cake today from our trip to the library. His birthday wasn't something I ever remember celebrating in school, but I'm sure Nadia will enjoy such festivities in the future as "Read Across America" has been growing in popularity the past 10+ years. Similarly, I don't ever recall celebrating the 100th day of school, but from my observations in schools the past 7 years that seems to be an annual tradition in the younger grades in elementary school these days. Paul thinks One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish is a funny book, but it's a bit too long for Nadia's current attention span. Her favorite Seuss book at this point is Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You?

Last night Nadia woke up at midnight. That hasn't happened in months. She had a leaky diaper. I am not sure if that's what upset her, but we changed her diaper and her clothes. I gave her 3 ounces of milk, and she went back to sleep. I had a hard time falling back asleep, and it made me really grateful that she usually sleeps through the night these days. The Walmart brand (Parent's Choice) diapers have served us well the past 8 months, but lately they aren't cutting it during the night. I will try to find those pads to put inside that Jill mentioned awhile back, or maybe I need to buy Pampers or some other "good" brand to use during the night. The Parent's Choice ones are still working during the day, but I need to find something else for her at night.

Land of the Living

Today is the first day I have felt energetic in a week. As my mom would say, I'm "back to the land of the living." I think it's interesting how our language is influenced by those around us. When I teach language arts courses we talk about the language systems which include phonology, morphology, syntax, etc. Mine has changed over the years. If you heard me when I was say 6 years old you'd have heard quite a strong southern accent as we lived in AL and TX when I was in K-3rd grade. When we moved to MD in 1981, the word "y'all" was eliminated from my vocabulary. People in Texas couldn't believe we were moving up to "Yankee territory," although technically Maryland is south of the Mason-Dixon line, LOL. I find it interesting how our language differs across the US. Some call it soda, others call it pop, and in Texas they called ALL of it "Coke" (even Pepsi). Before I laugh too hard at that one, I must admit I call all tissues "Kleenex" even if they're made by Puffs. At the age of 6 we moved to TX in the middle of 1st grade. I told the teacher I didn't have any Crayolas (not sure what I I was looking for) and was very embarassed when by the laughter of my classmates I figured out she meant crayons. I'll never forget that one!

Of course the differences between MD and PA are not as distinct as MD and TX, but still I had to learn a few expressions when I moved to PA in 1996. I remember being really confused the first time someone said they were going to go pick up a pie and they came back with a pizza. I was expecting cherry, pecan, or something like that! I also wasn't sure the first time my secretary said she was going to give (a person's name) "a buzz" (call them on the phone). The word which REALLY annoys me that some people say up here is they make the plural of "you" "yous" which of course is NOT a word! Paul has already influenced my vocabulary some. It used to annoy me when he'd say he was going to go get washed (take a shower). I would use the word "wash" to refer to cleaning the car or dishes or my hands but not my whole body. Now I say that myself sometimes, LOL. It will be interesting to hear which of our expressions Nadia uses herself. :-)

It turns out I've been denying my daughter a great pleasure. I usually clean the house while she's napping. It turns out she finds it VERY amusing to watch her Mommy sweep and Swiffer the kitchen floor. She was flapping her arms and squealing with delight! I can only hope she finds cleaning to be soooo much fun when she's big enough to help some day. :-) It is nice to be able to get more done while she's awake and not feel like I'm running around like a mad person during her naps. I gave her an empty pasta box to play with while I was cooking dinner, and she was happy as a clam!

Sippy Cup?

Well I am feeling much better today. The fact that I am still up, and it's 9:02pm proves that. My bedtime the last several days has been between 7-8pm. Speaking of sleep, Nadia only had 2 naps today. I figured that would be the case because her first one was really long - TWO full hours!! If this starts to be a trend then I'm going to move bath time to evening time as that will be her longest stretch of wake time. Today she woke up from her 2nd nap at 2:15, and I didn't put her down until about 6:45pm so that was a long wake time for her considering usually she's only up about 2 hours at a time. The only problem with moving bath time to before bed is that Paul has been nervous to give her a bath, and he puts her to bed on Monday and Tuesday nights. This week is my spring break though so I'll be putting her to bed every night this week. Maybe he will get brave enough to give her a bath. We shall see. :-) I did find it still rather ironic that on a day I was feeling better AND Paul was home she chose to have a super long nap. It still blows me away that the two days I felt the lousiest she slept far less than usual. Oh well. We survived!

My question is how to get Nadia to drink from a sippy cup? I have tried 2 different sippy cups - both are by Gerber. One I bought recently is for younger babies (I think it said 7 months and she's 8 months old). I've tried water, apple juice, and formula and so far she hasn't figured out how to get any liquid from the cup to her mouth. Any advice? I obviously want to start transitioning in that direction as I plan to wean her off of bottles over the next few months. She actually seems to prefer eating solid foods lately over the bottle except for first thing when she wakes up in the morning. She amazes me with the vast quantities of food she can eat lately in terms of fruit, veggies, yogurt, cereal, etc.!

In addition to feeling much better in terms of the virus I've had the last 6 days, I have to say my left wrist is 100% back to normal. YAHOO! I am soooooooooooo thankful for the steroid shot. I wish I had it a few months ago. Better late than never though!!!

On the Mend

For the first time in 5 days, I've had a few moments today when I haven't had a fever. YAY! I am not feeling back to normal yet, but I am very appreciative that I feel better than I have the last few days. To be honest, Wed-Fri I was wishing I could take Nadia to daycare or something like that as #1 I didn't feel up to taking care of her and #2 I didn't want her to catch my bug, but we survived and somehow she seems to have escaped catching what I had. PTL! What added insult to injury was that on Wednesday and Thursday she was REALLY fussy and barely slept. Naps that are on average 80 minutes long were only 15 minutes long. Of all the days for that to happen - two days when I really wanted a nap!!! She napped a little bit better yesterday, but ironically today is the first day since Tuesday that she's taken long naps. I say ironically since Paul is home today and I could have napped if I needed to whether or not she napped. Paul only spent a couple of minutes with her on Thursday and Friday.

Today I am finally getting back in the groove and doing things like the laundry and dishes. Wednesday and Thursday I never even got dressed. Yesterday afternoon I did go to the library and also got pizza which forced me to wear something other than pjs, LOL. Aside from taking care of Nadia, the only things I accomplished Wed-Fri were grading some papers and reviewing some job applications (we have to pick whom to interview). The last time I exercised was Tuesday morning, but I still don't have the energy for that. The weird thing is I got REALLY hungry there for a couple of days and veered off my diet somewhat because well I just didn't care - if I was hungry, I was going to eat. Today my appetite has totally vanished. That seems backwards doesn't it? I usually get really hungry during PMS so maybe that's what was going on. We shall see. I still haven't started the bcp. I plan to start them soon. I was hoping AF would show first.

One of the reasons naps have been challenging as of late is that Nadia has been sitting in her crib. It's hard to fall asleep in the sitting position! I thought I heard her waking up earlier, and lately when I go to get her she's sitting in her crib. I thought I'd get a picture of that. When I went up she was still asleep. So I decided to take a pic of her sleeping instead, but the flash woke her up as you can see. OOPS! She had already slept 90 minutes so I am sure she would have been waking up soon anyhow. She travels all around the room these days although she's still not technically crawling much yet. One of these days she'll figure it out I'm sure!

Reflections on ttc

Since I'm contemplating ttc again these days (let me tell you it was nice not to think about it for 14 months!), I thought I'd make a list of the things that seem normal to those of us who have dealt with infertility that are probably unfamiliar to those who haven't. This post is for female eyes. :-) I wrote this several days ago and decided to post it today as I doubt you want to hear me talk again about how utterly lousy I feel. The one bright spot of my day so far though was that this morning I purchased the tickets for the 5 of us to go to Antigua in May as the price dropped big time on the flight I wanted to take. :-)

You know you've ttc a long time when.... (all of these are true statements for me anyhow)

1. You purchased a box of Dixie cups and didn't drink out of any of them but rather used ALL of them to pee into for opks and hpts.

2. You took your temperature more than 1,000 times over the span of 4 years (so glad to be done with that!!!)

3. You purchased opks in bulk (as many as 100 at a time). I have used over 200 of them and am also glad to be done with that.

4. You purchased hpts in bulk. I have used over 50 of those and am not done using those yet although there aren't any in our house right now. Hoping to see 2 lines again in May!!!

5. You have given yourself over 100 shots in your stomach and are very willing do it again to have another baby.

6. Your husband has given you over 100 shots in your butt and again you would gladly go through it again.

7. You referred to a really faint line that could hardly be seen as a BFP (big fat positive)

8. A certain type of cervical mucus (ewcm) brought a smile to your face and you shared that news with your female friends online, and they were happy to hear it (did you ever think you'd celebrate mucus much less tell others about it?)

9. You've referred to "that time of the month" as AF and used prounouns like "she" and "her" when talking about it (which is really quite funny when you think about it).

10. You've frequently had doctors and nurses tell you when you could and couldn't engage in an activity that is usually 100% at the discretion of a husband and wife. It seemed SO strange to me the first time this happened in 2003, and now it seems 100% normal, LOL.

11. You know what are good and bad levels for several hormones at various points in a cycle or pregnancy (E2, P4, LH, hCG, and FSH)

12. The only way you can possibly imagine becoming pregnant involves doctors, nurses, embryologists, andrologists, etc. It's unfathomable to consider it might happen "accidently" or with only two people involved in the process.

13. You have taken the birth control pill in an effort to become pregnant not prevent pregnancy.

14. Doctors have put your body into what is called a temporary menopause - again with the goal of becoming pregnant (and menopause and pregnancy don't usually go together!).

15. You can be 100% certain what day conception occured.

16. You know what the ideal thickness of your uterine lining is as well as the ideal size of follicles at various points in a cycle (all in centimeters).

17. Your baby grew in a lab for a few days before growing in your body. Somehow petri dishes aren't usually a part of the "birds and bees" conversation, LOL.

18. You've tried a myriad of things that others have said helped them achieve pregnancy such as eating fresh pineapple after an embryo transfer, getting a professional massage before a transfer, bedrest for several days after a transfer, etc.

19. You've paid for your baby to be frozen, thawed, and hatched. I never thought those verbs would be said in reference to my baby!


20. You have a favorite brand of hpt. Mine is FRER since it showed a 2nd line when my hCG was only 11.8 in 2005 with my 1st pregnancy. Speaking of that pregnancy, I am STILL getting junk mail that is based on the assumption I have a 3 year old at home. Oh how I regret that I signed up for free stuff online during that pregnancy! I really don't like to be reminded through junk mail of the child we lost in 2005. Of course I don't mind the free stuff and coupons that I get for Nadia. :-)


I was talking once with a friend of mine who used to teach at the school where I was principal. She and her hubby pursued all sorts of fertility stuff including ivf with their own embies as well as adopting frozen embies from another family. He kept wanting to switch gears to adoption, but she kept wanting to pursue fertility treatments. Eventually they did switch to adoption. Her first son was in her arms in the hospital before their home study was even done!! Her gyn gave the referral for the closed adoption so it was a super quick and super cheap adoption. A few years later her gyn gave her another referral so she never worked with any adoption agencies or facilitators or anything like that - never made a profile or a dossier or anything for the adoption of their two sons (both times she was in the hospital at the time of the baby's birth). On the other hand, my hubby kept pushing for ivf (since 2004) and I was pushing for adoption until finally I agreed in 2007 to pursue ivf since adoption wasn't working out for us. If I could go back in time, I wish I had agreed to ivf in 2004. The conclusion we both made (Tammy & I) was that it's a good idea to follow your hubby's advice. Her dh wanted to pursue adoption and that's what led them to Isaac and Samuel, and my dh wanted to pursue ivf and that's what led us to Nadia.


This time I didn't need to be convinced to pursue ivf. If however this next round of ivf doesn't lead to a sticky bfp, then that will be a tougher decision especially since we must resume our contract with Adoption Consultants by the middle of December or we're out the about $5K we paid her in June 2007. I am not sure whether we'd decide to pursue ivf a third time or switch back to adoption. Hopefully we won't need to make that decision because ivf #2 will work!

Congratulations, Kelli & Kyle!!!!

Some of you might know Kelli. She posted as KDS on MK's discussion boards. She and I have rather similar stories in that we both started ttc in 2002 and then both signed a contract with Lifetime (we did that a few months before they did). They also never got "the call" of a possible situation. They only did one contract extension (2.5 years total) whereas we did two extensions (3 years total). The one difference would be they went from that straight back to ttc whereas Paul and I took an int'l adoption detour first. Anyhow I sent her my leftover ivf meds which she used for her first round of ivf. She had severe OHSS (was hospitalized for several days) so she wasn't able to have a fresh transfer. Thankfully quite a few of her embies made it to the freeze. A few months later they thawed 2 for a FET. Unfortunately those 2 didn't make it. So they thawed 2 more and transferred those, and this led to her holding her 10 lb 5.4 oz red headed son (Kody) in her arms after a c/s on Tuesday! When she had an u/s on Monday her doctor decided on a c/s based on his size. She's not allowed to do any more fresh cycles given the severe OHSS she had, but thankfully they still have several frozen embies. They plan to do their next FET in a year or so. Anyhow I am sooooooooooooo happy for them as they started ttc 6 1/2 years ago and their wait to become parents is finally over. PTL!!!!!!!!!

I still don't feel well. So far Nadia and Paul don't seem to be catching it though for which I am very grateful. My friend Cheri emailed and she has the same bug. It seems we must have caught it on Sunday night. I hadn't gone out with a friend to dinner or a concert or anything in eight months and the first time I do - I get sick. Maybe having a social life isn't so great after all, LOL. I am thankful that I've been so healthy the past 8 months. Cheri's fever only lasted 24 hours. She still has a headache, sore throat, and cough. I still have the fever plus the other 3 symptoms and a runny nose. Thankfully the fever hasn't been AS bad as it was Tuesday night. It's been years since I remember having the chills that bad. My face was burning, but I couldn't seem to get the rest of my body warm no matter how many layers were piled on top of me.

It's hard for me to function and care for Nadia when all I want to do is be in bed myself. I have been really careful about not letting her watch tv the past 8 months, but I might see if Veggie Tales will entertain her at all today. Paul came straight home from school yesterday so I was only home alone for about 4 hours. Today I'll be on my own ALL day as he doesn't get home until 7pm, and the day started earlier than it needed to as we heard a sound and Paul thought she was standing in her crib. So he raced to her crib at 6:30 and turned on her light and found her lying on her belly asleep. Of course the light turning on woke her up so after letting her chatter awhile, I went and got her at 6:45.

Elderly?!?

Yesterday I went online to my medical record so I could cancel my next appointment with the orthopedic doctor since my wrist is already almost back to normal. Well on the "health summary" page I noticed a few new things added. I guess I hadn't been on that page in a year as the one that caught my eye was added on 3/4/08. I now have the label "elderly multigravida." I clicked on it and it said "later childbearing." I did a search online, and it's the official way of saying you are 35 or older when you give birth. I had heard it referred to as "advanced maternal age" before which sounded bad enough but give me a break - elderly??? I am 36 years old, and that's just NOT elderly!! They need to use a different word in my opinion! I remember the term elderly came up when we were pursuing adopting from Ukraine, but even in that case they weren't using the term to refer to someone in their 30's (although those who fit Ukraine's definition of "elderly" also felt they were too young to be given that label). I looked up the definition of "elderly," and it said things like "being past middle age" and "the final stage of the normal life span." I am certainly not "past middle age" at the age of 36!

Even with Tylenol or Advil every 4 hours, my temp stayed above 100 degrees yesterday. When I went to bed at 8pm last night it was 101. It took me over an hour to fall asleep as I couldn't get warm. I was wearing two shirts and had four blankets on top of me before I finally stopped shivering. I emailed my dept chair and Dean this morning and said I wouldn't be going to the meeting in Harrisburg tonight. I am feeling a little better today than I did last night, but I am not up for a 2 hour meeting plus over 2 hours of driving. Anyhow I don't think those people really want my germs. Nadia doesn't seem herself today either. She doesn't have a fever, but a lot of stuff is coming out of her nose. She slept in until 7:30 which hasn't happened in a LONG time (and was greatly appreciated!!!), but then she refused to take a morning nap. She usually goes down around 8:45 or 9:00 so I figured since she got up later that her nap shouldn't start until 9:30, but that didn't work. Maybe I should have still put her down at 9:00? I just put her down again; it's a tad bit earlier than when she usually goes down for her 2nd nap, but she's been awake for 4+ hours so I figure she needs a nap! She and I are staying in our pjs today. The pics here are from yesterday - more of her "eight month old" photos.

Eight Months Old!

I can't believe Nadia is already eight months old. She's growing up TOO fast! Here are some photos to show how much she's grown.

10 days old (7/2/08)

1 month old (7/24/08)

2 months old (8/24/08)

3 months old (9/25/08)

4 months old (10/25/08)

5 months old (11/24/08)

6 months old (12/25/08)

7 months old (1/25/09)

8 months old (2/24/09)

At 8 months old Nadia likes standing, playing in the bathtub, sticking out her tongue, playing peekaboo, sleeping on her belly, being tickled, and playing with Mommy or Daddy,

A few things Nadia dislikes include: Mommy only letting her have 4 ounces of milk before she's burped (she wants to keep drinking!), having a bib put on or taken off when she's in her highchair, having her face cleaned during or after eating solids, and putting her arms through sleeves when she's getting dressed (although she does help now which makes it go a little faster).

Nadia's skills include sitting independently, going from lying down to sitting up, feeding herself larger finger foods, babbling all the time, saying "dada" when she sees Daddy (sometimes), pulling herself up to a standing position, turning off a light switch, sleeping an average of 11 hours straight at night, and moving around the room through a combination of crawling, scooting (mostly backwards), and a lot of rolling. I think that during this month she is really going to take off in terms of her mobility. Baby proofing here we come! :-)

I woke up with a fever and sore throat. I'm praying I'll feel better soon and that I won't pass this on to Nadia or Paul. I teach tonight and then have a meeting for work tomorrow night in Harrisburg, but then I'll have 11 days off. Yay!