Bow the Knee

A couple of songs that we've sung lately in choir have really spoken to me. A few weeks ago we sang "Thank You for the Valleys" by Cindy Berry. She happens to be one of my favorite composers (as evidenced by my books of piano arrangements). If you click here, you can listen to the song. I can't say when I've been in a "valley" that I've ever been thankful for it. To be honest, even once I've been out of the valley I am not generally thankful for the valley itself although at times I have gotten to the point where I could be thankful for what I learned during that time or for how it led to something else that was good. I agree with Cindy though that the valleys have drawn me closer to Him.

Last night one of the songs we rehearsed was "Bow the Knee" (click the link if you want to listen) which is arranged by Tom Fettke (another great composer). The gist of this song is that during those times in life when life doesn't make sense to us that we need to trust the heart of our Father. It reminds me of the verse "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding..." I used to remind myself often that my job was to trust, not to try to understand. We started ttc in May 2002, and a year later had begun medical treatments. I kept hoping that the next new thing would be what would lead to us becoming parents - Clomid, then injectibles, then an IUI, then domestic adoption, and the valley got much deeper in July 2005 when we lost our first baby. Then we pursued additional ways to adopt including int'l adoption. The deepest point of the valley came in June 2007. At that point we had done 10 medicated cycles with RE's (7 of which were injectibles), tried to adopt through Lifetime for 2 1/2 years as well as been presented a few times by a lawyer in FL, and had sent 2 dossiers to Ukraine yet were no closer to becoming parents than when we started ttc 5 years earlier. So we signed a contract with a different adoption facilitator and started the ivf process. Finally in November 2007 we got to see our baby on the u/s screen for the first time ever!! I was finally out of the valley! Of course that's not to say everything in life has gone smoothly since then, but honestly the ups and downs of life the past 16 months seem like a plateau compared to the deep valleys of ttc and adopt for 5 1/2 years.

This is the main thing that scares me about doing ivf again. I don't want to go through another ttc valley of another miscarriage. Yet the thought that I might be holding Nadia's brother or sister in my arms in 2010 makes me want to get on the rollercoaster again. I pray this ride ends on the wonderful note that our FET did, but either way I need to trust my Father. I feel like saying to Him that I know I can learn so much through valleys, but could I learn those things through other kinds of valleys? Haven't I experienced a long enough ttc valley already? I know the next ttc and/or adoption valley won't be 5 1/2 years long. I'm sure we'd decide to just have one child long before then. Although I do really, really want another child, I do find some consolation in knowing if we encounter a valley again we won't be in it as long this time around. I just need to keep reminding myself again and again that God is in control, and He loves me.