One month

Over the last three days we passed two milestones. August 11 was our 15th anniversary, and August 12 marked one month since my mom passed away. It doesn't seem possible that it has been a month already. I still have moments when something happens and my first thought is that I need to call my mom and tell her about it, and then I remember that I can't do so. This has made me want to use the phone less than usual to call other people simply because I cannot call my mom. It was a strange anniversary for us because we haven't seen Paul since August 7.

Originally I had planned to return home on Friday night (from Ohio) and then come to Maryland on Sunday afternoon, but on Friday morning the plans changed to us driving from Ohio straight to Maryland. I did this for three reasons #1 to have more time to help Yvonne go through my mom's stuff and hopefully ensure that we could get it done in one trip, #2 I would save myself 2.5 hours of driving time, and #3 the weather didn't look very good for the activities we had planned to do in PA on Saturday.

Two of the three events I had scheduled for Saturday are annual events so I also knew it wasn't a big deal to miss them this year. One of those we had done last year. The third event (Star Wars concert) was a one time only thing, and because of the weather they ended up moving it to an inside venue (which I didn't know when I changed our travel plans). That would have been nice (included a laser show), but considering I am still sick (day 12 so hopefully the end is in sight), I think it was the right decision. Paul, Nadia, and Oliver all voted for us to go straight to Grandpa's house (we are all still having a hard time remembering not to call it Grandma's house). Ian felt very strongly that we should spend a day at home with Daddy first, but he was outnumbered by the votes of the other four members of the family. It was a long trip "home" on Friday night. The drive out to Ohio was much smoother for me because during that trip I had 4 kids between the ages of 8-13, and it was also shorter (6 hours including a 45 minute stop for lunch). On they way to Maryland on Friday night the trip took almost 8 hours (including a one hour stop for dinner and another 15 minute bathroom break), and we didn't get in until 10:30 pm, which is past my usual bedtime. Also, I had three kids ages 3, 4, and 5 who were much fussier. There was FAR more crying, screaming, and fighting that went on with those three (Oliver being the worst behaved of the bunch). At that moment I started dreading our vacation to Cape Cod next month, but hopefully between now and then I'll feel better about a long car ride.

Yesterday and today Yvonne, Jenna, and I sorted through many clothes - mostly short and long sleeved tops and skirts. Most of my mom's clothes fit me although she was several inches shorter than me. Some of the skirts are a size bigger than I usually wear, but since I usually wear a top on the outside of the waistband it is not obvious that they are loose on me. A few of the items were on my shopping list but I had never made it to the store to actually buy them - including bathing suit, swim suit cover up, winter gloves, and a winter coat. Some articles of clothing Yvonne and I just couldn't bring ourselves to put on because they had negative connotations (from the months of fighting cancer) or were just too strongly associated with my mom. We knew we couldn't emotionally handle wearing them. And some were just not our style (sorry mom but none of us are fans of polyester pants), but we three each found many things that we liked and actually we wore some yesterday and today. It really came in handy for me today because when I packed I assumed I would be at home on Saturday and Sunday and hadn't brought Sunday clothes for myself or the kids, but I was able to wear an outfit of mom's today. It has been decades since I added so many clothes to my wardrobe in just one year. I have bought hardly any new clothes for myself over the past 8 years aside from maternity clothes so I am thankful for so many new things to wear, but of course it is all bittersweet as I would SO SO SO SO much rather have my mom still around than have these "new to me" clothes.

I am not much of a seamstress so I am thankful that things were fitting me fairly well. Yvonne and Jenna will need to make some alterations to many of the skirts they chose as they were far too loose on them. Usually I don't enjoy trying on clothes but since in this case only a few things were too small for me and almost everything was either my size or a little loose, it was a much better experience than trying clothes on usually is for me. I was disappointed though that one dress of my mom's didn't fit me as I had thought she looked so pretty in it that I was hoping it fit me. It might have fit me last  year when I was running. I definitely have gained weight in the past 9 months, unfortunately. If my mom's figure was like Yvonne or Wendy's then nothing would have fit me. I have for thirty years felt like the ugly duckling when compared to my two sisters, but for once my bigger size wasn't a problem. I hadn't expected so many of her clothes to fit me since I was about 6 inches taller than her when she passed (she had shrunk a few inches). The only surprise was that it seems our mom had gotten rid of almost all her dresses at some point in the last few years.

We have also been selecting some items for Susie and Wendy and will do that even more once we start going through jewelry. Jenna and Yvonne have inherited many of my mom's shoes. I think a few might fit Wendy or Susie, but sadly none of the shoes fit me well. I did wear a pair of her size 8 sandals to church this morning, but I am not planning to keep them. There were some super cute ones that were just 1/2 size off but it was enough that although I could get my foot in the shoe, it would not have been comfortable for me to wear them for very long. I usually wear either a 8 1/2 or 9. My mom usually wore 7 1/2 but sometimes bought an 8. I do need to buy myself a pair of black flats in the near future. My pair was causing my feet to get wet if the pavement was wet. I had been wearing them to church for more than 10 years. I can't remember the last time I bought myself a new pair of flats. It is time to do so as I do wear them to church on Sundays, even though I don't wear them to work any more as I did for 20 years of my life.

When I walked into my dad's Sunday School class this morning I felt a wave of sadness come over me as I walked to the row where my mom always sat, but then we got into the lesson and everything was fine emotionally. However when I walked into the sanctuary for the worship service, I totally was deluged with grief as all I could think of was my mom's funeral being held in that room on July 16. The last time I had been in the sanctuary was July 17. I was not expecting to have this reaction. I had thought I would break down while we were sorting clothes, shoes, and purses, but I never cried during those activities. I was sobbing and just couldn't picture myself being able to keep from crying during the service. So Yvonne and I rode to my dad's house and she returned back to the church. I stayed home and cleaned up the breakfast dishes, cleaned the table, swept the floor, set the table for 15 (I didn't know at the time that the three menfolk were going out to eat for lunch), and cooked lunch. I am learning that you just never know what might trigger a wave of grief. I would give anything to hug my mom just one more time and talk to her just one more time, but I am glad she is not suffering any more. I didn't want her battle with cancer to be long and drawn out. I know I will see her again some day, but there is definitely a void in our lives right now as we adjust to the new normal of life without mom.