10,000 Reasons

 My kids have sung at three funerals over the past five years. In July 2016 they sang "Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus" at my mom's funeral. In September 2018 they sang "Christ the Lord is Risen Today" at Paul's Gram's funeral, and today they sang "10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)" at Paul's mom's funeral. A friend of Paul's sister-in-law played a flute solo of "Amazing Grace," Ian and I played a piano duet of "Cornerstone," and I played the piano when the congregation sang Amazing Grace. Unfortunately they didn't have a microphone available for the kids to use. Ellie's brother-in-law gave the main eulogy. Paul's dad, Paul's dad's sister, and Paul's brother also gave eulogies. At my mom's funeral I gave a brief unscripted eulogy at the luncheon as that is when all of the eulogies were given because she requested there not be any during her service. At my brother's funeral I gave a longer eulogy that I had prepared ahead of time. 

It's so easy to feel a sense of remorse following the passing of a loved one. I found myself wishing I had told her how much she meant to me the last time I talked to her, but when I was talking to her I had no inkling it would be the last time I'd hear her voice, and she was rather confused at the time. Over the last week I've found myself second guessing whether I should have driven to the hospital to see her that last night. I wasn't even sure if the hospital would allow more than her spouse to see her, and I knew she wasn't opening her eyes or showing any other signs that she knew what was going on around her, and I was afraid I'd be too emotional. Similarly, I found myself thinking this afternoon that I should have given a eulogy this morning, but then I reminded myself that I played the piano three times during her service and helped the kids prepare for their part in the service. That was another way of honoring her. There are many people who make jokes about their mother-in-law, but I certainly can't relate as I had a good relationship with Ellie. I'm very thankful for the memories that we made over the past 24 years. It will take time to adjust to the new reality of not being able to talk to her any more. I'm very thankful that her time of pain and suffering has come to an end. Because we had only had one visit with her over the last 17 months, as Ian said in some ways it had already felt like she was gone. 

I'm also relieved that the service is over as attending funerals can be a challenging experience emotionally. I expected to see Paul's relatives - most of whom we hadn't seen since Gram's funeral in 2018, but I didn't expect to see my friend Tab and her husband (Dan). I was shocked. The funeral was held at a church that is one hour from our home. They live maybe 15 minutes closer to that church but still it was a total shock that they came to be a support to me and our family. Wow. I almost cried happy tears when I saw them because it meant so much to me that they would surprise us in that way. They had seen Paul's parents a few times over the years - basketball games and most recently at a patriotic concert Nadia and Ian were in in November 2019. Dan works at the hospital where Ellie spent a lot of time and he had actually seen her there upon occasion. Milo wasn't a fan of us attending a funeral today as it meant he was alone in the house in his crate for almost six hours. Thankfully he didn't have any accidents or throw up in his crate while we were gone. He was VERY happy when we came home.  Grandma would have loved Milo had she ever been able to meet him. When she posted his picture on her Facebook page in February, she introduced him as her newest grandson. Pop Pop has seen Milo one time so far, and unfortunately he didn't give a very warm reception to Pop Pop. I don't think that would have happened to Grandma if she had been able to meet him as he barks at men more than women or children.