Goodbye. Grandma

I met Paul's mom in 1997 and have had a good relationship with her over the past 24 years. In the earlier years I spoke to her on the phone sporadically, but for the past thirteen years there have only been two people I've spoken to on the phone on an almost daily basis - my mom and Paul's mom. In two months it will be five years since I have been able to talk to my mom. I typically saw Paul's mom more frequently than my mom since she lived a lot closer to us. During the first seven years of our marriage Paul and I went on vacations just as a couple, but beginning in May 2009 we began inviting either Paul's parents or my parents to join us. Our first vacation with Paul's parents was to Antigua in May 2009. I found out I was pregnant with Ian during that vacation, and Nadia was almost 11 months old. Our other vacations with Paul's parents were to Florida three times, San Diego, Myrtle Beach, Grand Cayman, a Caribbean cruise, and Cape Cod. Just like I had no idea when we were in Williamsburg with my parents in 2015 that it would be my last vacation with my mom, we had no idea in 2019 that our vacation in Myrtle Beach would be our last with Paul's mom. She really wanted to go to Hawaii in 2020, but due to her health and COVID-19, that didn't happen. I occasionally talk to other people on the phone, but now that my mom and Paul's mom have passed away, I could easily go weeks without talking to anyone on the phone. I called Paul's dad far more often than usual over the last several months because I couldn't talk to Ellie and wanted an update on how she was doing.

When I met Paul he told me that the three most important women in his life were his mom, Nan (his mom's mom), and Aunt Debbie (his mom's sister). My grandparents passed away before Paul's grandparents did. Since we've been married, we've attended five funerals for family members - Nan, Paul's paternal grandfather, my mom, Paul's paternal grandmother (Gram), and my brother. Paul's mom passed away at 2:40 this morning, so her funeral will be our sixth. The kids sang at Gram's funeral and my mom's funeral. All of Maurice's nieces and nephews were in a special procession at his funeral. I imagine they will also sing at Paul's mom's funeral. I played the piano at Gram's funeral, and I will be doing so next week at Paul's mom's funeral. I either played the flute or the piano at Nan's funeral. The easiest funeral to attend was Gram's because she was in her 90's and longing to join her husband and others in Heaven. In general, I find funerals to be extremely challenging emotionally as I prefer to grieve in private. I think Maurice's was the hardest because he was only 35 years old, and his death was completely unexpected. Toward the end of my mom's battle with cancer, I began praying and asking the Lord to take her home because I didn't want her suffering to be prolonged. My mom turned 71 years old four months before she passed away. Ellie turned 76 in November. 

Ellie's battle with cancer was much longer than my mom as she was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma more than 13 years ago. We came very close to losing Ellie in 2014. I remember crying in Maryland in 2014 when talking to my mom about how I feared I might never see Ellie again. I would never have guessed at that time that my mom would pass away almost 5 years before Ellie. Ellie's next close call was in the fall of 2019 when she had a heart attack. Life was never the same for her from that point onward, partially due to her health problems and partially because of COVID. Given her weakened immune system due to contracting MRSA in 2014 as well as her other risk factors (age, cancer, heart problems, etc.), we thought that she would die if she contracted COVID. Because of those concerns, the kids and I only spent time with her one time in 2020 (her birthday in November) and not at all in 2021. Ironically after Paul's dad went to great lengths for more than a year to ensure she didn't come down with COVID, she did contract COVID-19 in the nursing home, but amazingly she didn't have many side effects from it. However she had an infection in her heart which went into her bloodstream and caused her to have a stroke. She also had been dealing with kidney problems for months, and recent scans showed she either had an infection in her liver or liver cancer. She had been in a LOT of pain for more than two months. The last week or so of her life it was challenging to talk with her on the phone because she was very confused. My last conversation with her was on March 5. She was hospitalized on March 6, transferred to the ICU yesterday, and passed away at 2:40 this morning. Yesterday the decision was made to end all medical treatment aside from pain medication because her heart, lungs, and kidneys were all shutting down. During her hospitalizations in 2020 no one was able to be with her in the hospital. During her most recent hospitalizations only one person total (not at a time) could visit her (Paul's dad). Thankfully, the hospital allowed more than one person to visit her last night. She didn't open her eyes or give any indication that she was aware of what was happening, but Paul, his brother, and her sister were able to say goodbye to her last night. Paul's dad stayed in the ICU until she passed away. I remember how excruciatingly painful it was to say goodbye to my mom even though I wanted her suffering to come to an end. My mom was alert and spoke to me when I told her goodbye. With my brother I didn't have a chance to say goodbye, and I didn't drive to the hospital last night to say goodbye to Ellie. I often told her I loved her, but I don't remember if I told her that during our last conversation last week. I do remember that I told my brother I loved him during what ended up being our last conversation. 

I didn't sleep much last night and had an exhausting day as I'm not accustomed to feeding and caring for six children so I need to wrap this up. I'm very thankful that Ellie's pain and suffering has come to an end, but she will be deeply missed. Tomorrow would have been her 54th wedding anniversary. I'm asking for prayers for those who will be grieving her absence - her husband, two sons, two daughter-in-laws, grandkids, sister, cousin, etc. I can't believe we have had Milo for exactly five months and she never got to meet him. She posted his picture on Facebook and referred to him as her newest grandchild. I wish I had asked for her recipes for macaroni and cheese and also baked beans. I wish I could give her one more hug and be able to tell her again how much she's meant to me over the past 24 years. She loved my children dearly, which of course meant the world to me. I can't believe Oliver at the age of eight has already lost both of his grandmothers. I was in my 20's when my grandparents passed away. At least they are all old enough that they should remember her. I'm not confident that Oliver will remember my mom. Ellie was a wonderful daughter, wife, mom, grandma, aunt, sister, cousin, friend, and mother-in-law, she will be deeply missed by those who loved her. It's comforting to think that she's been reunited with her mom and others who have gone before.