Well Cathy (of AC) emailed Friday to say she got our contract. I already knew that as of Wednesday as I had paid for delivery confirmation so from the tracking number I knew she got it on Wed. I am anxious to hear what her feedback will be regarding the profile we've used for Lifetime - what changes she might suggest, etc. She said she will be emailing us more forms to fill out and return to her.
Still no word from Lifetime; we've waited 18 days so far, and we've been w/o a contract for 16 days. I have no clue how all this extra time is helping them make their decision. It's such an easy one in my book. #1Did the Kennedy's do everything we have asked them to do? (yes! - I have emails from them as recently as April 5, 2008 which confirm that). #2 Have we matched them with a birthmother yet (no! they've never had even one possible match). Then we should keep trying to find them a match! See it's that easy, lol!!! Honestly though even if they were to give us an extension at this point I don't feel I can trust their word any more so I don't know if that piece of paper will mean anything to me. But I am still curious how long it will take for a final decision to be made and what that decision will be.
As for ivf, I have to admit I am having a case of second doubts today. Just thinking about all the shots and bloodwork and ultrasounds and procedures has me wanting to run in the other direction at the moment. Today is "day one" which is usually an emotional day for me so maybe I should chalk it up to that and assume I'll be ready to start the tests on Thursday morning - not that I am really excited at the prospect of having saline injected into my uterus and such. I guess I feel like I've already put my body through so much when it comes to all this stuff....
As for Ukraine, if our dossier doesn't get in on Monday (25th) then we're down to just one more chance (July 2). I am not expecting it to be submitted either day, but there is obviously SOME chance of it happening. So I am glad that at least one aspect of the suspense will be over in about 9 days. Although I do feel it's best to pursue two things at once, I don't think it's best to be pursuing four things at once - not financially wise and not emotionally manageable!
Also, the anniversary of the date of my one and only miscarriage is coming upon us shortly - July 5. So that too has me a bit more emotional than usual I think...
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
$8,200 up front
Well I talked to the financial lady at the RE today, and she said for IVF you have to prepay $8,200 prior to your first appointment (which for us is June 28). They are charging $1,200 for all the tests we are having done that day, $1,000 for the bloodwork/ultrasounds, and $6,000 for the egg retrieval and transfer (and embryology in between). ICSI and other "optional" procedures are additional costs. I figured we'd pay the $1,200 now and the other costs closer to the egg retrieval, but she said no. If we do a second ivf later on (I hope not; I'd love the first try to be successful!), we wouldn't have the testing so we'd pay $7,000 up front that time. She said my insurance will pay for the testing and bloodwork and ultrasounds so we'll get most of that money back (less our $10 copays) so likely we'll get about $2,100 back. I think our total cost (if we don't need ICSI or assisted hatching or anything like that) will be about $6,200 including the cost of meds (which are thousands and thankfully mostly are covered by our insurance). We have a choice of insurance at the university where I teach, and I purposefully picked the HMO instead of Blue Shield which most people select because this HMO does pay for some fertility stuff whereas BS does not. One reassuring thing is Denise said usually you are paying this bill two months before the egg retieval. Whew...that was just what I was hoping (for a late August retrieval date). Alice Ann's "3 month" estimate yesterday was not what I wanted to hear, so hearing this today confirms that there is a chance I could start the Lupron early August and have most of the stimming done before school starts on August 27. We'll find out for sure on June 28, but that's what I am going to ask for.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Made the first appointment
Well our contract, profile, and $4,900 check are now en route to California. I will be curious to hear what Cathy will say about our profile once she gets it (how she suggests that we modify it before we made 30 more to send to her for her to use).
I also talked with the RE nurse, and we now have an appointment for June 28. They only do these first ivf appts on Thursdays and they take five HOURS. Yikes! Well she said any where from 3.5 to 5 hours. If it were to take 3.5 hours I would be able to JUST make it to BU in time for my 1:30 class, so to be safe I asked a colleague if he will cover my class that day (he used to teach the course), and he agreed to do so. We will have bloodwork (some of what we did for adoption in January will be used for this but we didn't have hepatitis and such done in January so we still need some additional bloodwork as required by law before ivf) and other tests and start the discussion on how many embryos to transfer back, etc.
They just started doing egg retrievals (ER) on June 11. They do them for a period of 8 weeks and then they take a 3 week break. So the next time they would start doing them would be August 27. I am really hoping we can schedule ours for that week although I think they are going to think that's too soon as they like to schedule them 3 months in advance. I'd rather do as much as possible (such as the Lupron shots and then the stimming) prior to school starting (August 27) as from July 9 - August 15 I am only teaching two nights a week so I am free as many mornings as necessary for bloodwork and ultrasounds, but we might have made this decision too late for that to be possible. I guess we'll find out on June 28 as that's the date we'll pick a tentative ER date (although things don't always go exactly as scheduled and the actual date might be a little sooner or a little later).
I also talked with the RE nurse, and we now have an appointment for June 28. They only do these first ivf appts on Thursdays and they take five HOURS. Yikes! Well she said any where from 3.5 to 5 hours. If it were to take 3.5 hours I would be able to JUST make it to BU in time for my 1:30 class, so to be safe I asked a colleague if he will cover my class that day (he used to teach the course), and he agreed to do so. We will have bloodwork (some of what we did for adoption in January will be used for this but we didn't have hepatitis and such done in January so we still need some additional bloodwork as required by law before ivf) and other tests and start the discussion on how many embryos to transfer back, etc.
They just started doing egg retrievals (ER) on June 11. They do them for a period of 8 weeks and then they take a 3 week break. So the next time they would start doing them would be August 27. I am really hoping we can schedule ours for that week although I think they are going to think that's too soon as they like to schedule them 3 months in advance. I'd rather do as much as possible (such as the Lupron shots and then the stimming) prior to school starting (August 27) as from July 9 - August 15 I am only teaching two nights a week so I am free as many mornings as necessary for bloodwork and ultrasounds, but we might have made this decision too late for that to be possible. I guess we'll find out on June 28 as that's the date we'll pick a tentative ER date (although things don't always go exactly as scheduled and the actual date might be a little sooner or a little later).
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Father's Day
Well Father's Day is not nearly as hard for me as Mother's Day, but there is still a "sting" to it. I think mainly because of Father's Day 2005. I found out I was pregnant on June 15, 2005, and I used a Father's Day card as my way of telling Paul I was pregnant (handed it to him at work in the middle of the day along with one of his favorite candy bars). Also, I remember tears of joy streaming down my face a few days later on Father's Day at church as I sat in the choir loft and looked out at Paul and realized he was finally going to be a father. It's hard to believe 2 years have passed. In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday. I know not to assure myself that he will be a father by Father's Day next year, but it's certainly something I hope and pray will be true.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Exploring options
Well I emailed Cathy at http://www.adoptionconsultantsinc.com/. In 2004 we had it narrowed down to two options and this was the other one besides Lifetime. The other ladies who picked Adoption Consultants all got matched very quickly whereas Kelli and I (who both picked Lifetime) are still waiting for a match (Kelli is on her first contract extension). Cathy has a program where you pay $300 for the year to be shown when the birthmother doesn't pick any of her contracted families (she contracts with a maximum of 25 families at any given time and of course not every family will be a possible match with every birthmother based on what the family is wanting and also what the birthmother is wanting). We paid Mark Miller $200 to be shown twice so it doesn't seem crazy to spend $300 to be shown as many times as that situation might arise in a year. OR we could paid $4,900 for a 2.5 year contract and if matched then we pay the other $4,900 (same fee of $9,800 we paid Lifetime in Dec 2004). So I emailed her and asked her some questions.
Also, I emailed two ladies at church whose husbands are doctors to see if they have any suggestions of who might be able to help us with our medical forms (prior to October!) for Ukraine. A huge percentage of the people at my church are doctors or nurses etc as the biggest employer by FAR in that town is a large hospital.
And I am thinking of calling the RE's office to get the nitty gritty on the ivf option. I had said in March that if something didn't happen with Ukraine or Lifetime by early July that we would reconsider IVF, so that's what we're doing. Again. Paul has always been strongly in favor of it. I am earning more money this summer and fall than expected so maybe these extra funds could be spent on ivf and if it didn't work it wouldn't be dipping into our adoption fund. That had been my fear in the past that we'd spend thousands on ivf and if it didn't work we couldn't afford to adopt, but given this extra income I think we could afford both.
So anyhow please pray for us to have wisdom what to do. We are still waiting to hear back from Lifetime of course and that will influence our decisions. I think the one lesson I have learned is to pursue TWO things at once. That is the mistake we made with Lifetime. We put all our eggs in that basket until Nov 2006 when we started working with another adoption lawyer (in FL) and also with Ukraine in Dec 2006. Well I take that back, we did four more rounds of inj/iui while contracted with Lifetime so I guess we were still pursuing more than one thing at least some of the time (last fertility cycle was July 2006). Anyhow we are trying to decide which TWO options to pursue right now of the following three: domestic adoption (Lifetime or maybe switch to Adoption Consultants?), IVF, and Ukraine dossier #2.
Also, I emailed two ladies at church whose husbands are doctors to see if they have any suggestions of who might be able to help us with our medical forms (prior to October!) for Ukraine. A huge percentage of the people at my church are doctors or nurses etc as the biggest employer by FAR in that town is a large hospital.
And I am thinking of calling the RE's office to get the nitty gritty on the ivf option. I had said in March that if something didn't happen with Ukraine or Lifetime by early July that we would reconsider IVF, so that's what we're doing. Again. Paul has always been strongly in favor of it. I am earning more money this summer and fall than expected so maybe these extra funds could be spent on ivf and if it didn't work it wouldn't be dipping into our adoption fund. That had been my fear in the past that we'd spend thousands on ivf and if it didn't work we couldn't afford to adopt, but given this extra income I think we could afford both.
So anyhow please pray for us to have wisdom what to do. We are still waiting to hear back from Lifetime of course and that will influence our decisions. I think the one lesson I have learned is to pursue TWO things at once. That is the mistake we made with Lifetime. We put all our eggs in that basket until Nov 2006 when we started working with another adoption lawyer (in FL) and also with Ukraine in Dec 2006. Well I take that back, we did four more rounds of inj/iui while contracted with Lifetime so I guess we were still pursuing more than one thing at least some of the time (last fertility cycle was July 2006). Anyhow we are trying to decide which TWO options to pursue right now of the following three: domestic adoption (Lifetime or maybe switch to Adoption Consultants?), IVF, and Ukraine dossier #2.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Time for a break
Periodically when we were trying to conceive, I would declare that I needed a break from fertility treatments. Sometimes these breaks were weeks long, and other times as long as 8 months. And during one of those breaks in 2005 I (permanently) stopped visiting the trying to conceive discussion board I had frequented daily since 2003. That is my plan now. It will be a little tricky to break myself of the new habit of checking the adoption db's - one I've been on since 2004 and three Ukraine ones I've been on since December, but I think I need to just not think about it for awhile. I am just not sure what to do. Is God trying to teach me patience and endurance? It's so frustrating to realize there are kids over there in orphanages who need parents while I am over here having longed for the day I'd be a mom for more than 20 years and am willing and ready to adopt them. I just don't know why we keep hitting roadblocks. After the incident at the doctor's office today I thought - maybe I'm not supposed to have any children after all. Maybe I am trying to accomplish something that isn't meant to happen. That's a super hard idea to accept when my biggest dream in life the last 20+ years has been to be a stay-at-home mom. Just ask my 6th grade teacher who gave me a hard time about it and said I was "wasting the brains God gave me" if I "just" became a mom. [such a lousy thing to say to anyone in my opinion]
I knew it was time to take a ttc break when the thought of putting one more needle in my belly would reduce me to tears. Well that's where I am again. The thought of collecting dossier docs makes me want to cry and cry and cry. So it's time for a break. Maybe I'll bounce back in a few weeks and start collecting the docs for a 2nd dossier. Or maybe we'll decide to do ivf (never done that) or maybe we'll decide to adopt kids through "the system" in the US (which is free) or maybe I'll come to the conclusion that God wants me to live a childless life.
I emailed Lifetime again this morning about the contract extension. I am not too hopeful, but of course if they renew our contract and need more profiles or something I will immediately get out of "break" mode. Even if they do renew, I doubt they'll need any very soon as we sent them 30 in April. And of course if our dossier is submitted on July 2 then I will be more than ready to jump into action for traveling to Ukraine in October or November. If Lifetime doesn't renew, I need to figure out what to do with all the baby stuff we own. In 2005 I bought a stroller, car seat, diapers, etc as they said we needed to be ready as sometimes you have only a few hours notice to go get a baby (when matched after baby has been born). Although a lot of it is still in boxes, I know I can't return it (didn't save the receipts but of course it wouldn't matter since it's now more than 2 years later). I definitely won't throw it all out; maybe I'll donate it to a crisis pregnancy center. I'll keep some of the children's books and such I own so I can read to my nieces and nephews, but that's about all I will keep if Lifetime says "no" again. Even if we adopt from Ukraine, we won't be adopting an infant.
So anyhow I don't plan to be blogging any more until this break is over (and I have no idea right now how long of a break I need) with the exception that I will post Lifetime's answer once I get it (I hope by tomorrow), and on July 2 (or so) I will post as to whether or not our dossier was submitted to the SDA. Thanks for all your prayers and support; I appreciate it!
I knew it was time to take a ttc break when the thought of putting one more needle in my belly would reduce me to tears. Well that's where I am again. The thought of collecting dossier docs makes me want to cry and cry and cry. So it's time for a break. Maybe I'll bounce back in a few weeks and start collecting the docs for a 2nd dossier. Or maybe we'll decide to do ivf (never done that) or maybe we'll decide to adopt kids through "the system" in the US (which is free) or maybe I'll come to the conclusion that God wants me to live a childless life.
I emailed Lifetime again this morning about the contract extension. I am not too hopeful, but of course if they renew our contract and need more profiles or something I will immediately get out of "break" mode. Even if they do renew, I doubt they'll need any very soon as we sent them 30 in April. And of course if our dossier is submitted on July 2 then I will be more than ready to jump into action for traveling to Ukraine in October or November. If Lifetime doesn't renew, I need to figure out what to do with all the baby stuff we own. In 2005 I bought a stroller, car seat, diapers, etc as they said we needed to be ready as sometimes you have only a few hours notice to go get a baby (when matched after baby has been born). Although a lot of it is still in boxes, I know I can't return it (didn't save the receipts but of course it wouldn't matter since it's now more than 2 years later). I definitely won't throw it all out; maybe I'll donate it to a crisis pregnancy center. I'll keep some of the children's books and such I own so I can read to my nieces and nephews, but that's about all I will keep if Lifetime says "no" again. Even if we adopt from Ukraine, we won't be adopting an infant.
So anyhow I don't plan to be blogging any more until this break is over (and I have no idea right now how long of a break I need) with the exception that I will post Lifetime's answer once I get it (I hope by tomorrow), and on July 2 (or so) I will post as to whether or not our dossier was submitted to the SDA. Thanks for all your prayers and support; I appreciate it!
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Advice
When my parents were traveling home from visiting my sister in Turkey earlier this month (they wanted to meet their 3rd grandson), they met a man in the Munich airport who does business in Ukraine. This man is very passionate about Ukraine. They told him that their daughter was trying to adopt from Ukraine, and he gave them his business card. My parents and brother were up for my birthday yesterday (sooo sweet of them!) and gave me this card. So I emailed the guy last night. He wants Americans to buy goods made in a free country (Ukraine) rather than China. Anyhow in one part of his email to me he gave me advice about trying to conceive which I was not expecting given the context of our conversation was adoption from Ukraine. Now sometimes this "advice" really can annoy me. There are a few comments I hope I never hear again like "you should be glad you don't have kids yet, once you have kids..." or "just adopt and then you'll get pregnant." I must say I still don't handle those too well (inside - the person has no idea what I am feeling as I can hide my feelings).
Well this guy's advice just cracked me up. I am not sure if it is because it's just funny advice or if it's just that after five years of trying I am able to laugh rather than cry more easily. Anyhow in case it is funny to any of you I will paste his advice below. I have to say it's original!!!
"My daughter was not able to conceive. They tried everything. He was OK, she was OK, just no conception. No one could understand why. Well, like I said, I am a country boy. I bought her a PUPPY. This little Doberman female was as wild as you can imagine. Two months of that Tasmanian devil in their home drove them nuts. Finally, my daughter called me and pleaded for me to take the puppy back. I told her that the pup had been there long enough. Two weeks later, Pam called me and said, GUESS WHAT? Well, today, her baby is three years old. I am not sure of your issues but if you are OK, then try a puppy."
Well this guy's advice just cracked me up. I am not sure if it is because it's just funny advice or if it's just that after five years of trying I am able to laugh rather than cry more easily. Anyhow in case it is funny to any of you I will paste his advice below. I have to say it's original!!!
"My daughter was not able to conceive. They tried everything. He was OK, she was OK, just no conception. No one could understand why. Well, like I said, I am a country boy. I bought her a PUPPY. This little Doberman female was as wild as you can imagine. Two months of that Tasmanian devil in their home drove them nuts. Finally, my daughter called me and pleaded for me to take the puppy back. I told her that the pup had been there long enough. Two weeks later, Pam called me and said, GUESS WHAT? Well, today, her baby is three years old. I am not sure of your issues but if you are OK, then try a puppy."
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Not tempted
Well I don't often speak of our ttc journey here, but that certainly is another way we've tried to become parents (for 58 months to be exact). Anyhow I've been trying to wean myself off some of the habits I developed through that journey. For example, I started taking my temp every morning in January 2003, and I successfully broke myself of that habit in July 2006. I can honestly say I have ZERO desire to resume that habit EVER again. In January one of my sort of "resolutions" for this year was to stop using opks (ovulation tests). I guess a true way to test that resolve would be to throw or give away the ones I still own, but anyhow I haven't used any this year so far. My latest habit to try to break is using hpts. I used some in January, but am trying not to buy any more this year (thankfully I'm all out of these). The good news is that this last cycle I can honestly say I had ZERO desire to test. I don't know if it will continue to be that easy to resist poas, but I hope so. About the only habit left to break would be to stop charting on FF. Since doing so isn't resulting in any ttc "obsession" lately, I don't plan on stopping that (yet anyhow). If I can stick with my resolve to not temp or use opks or hpts, I think I'll keep charting. There is one condition under which I might be seriously considering ttc again (which means ivf as that's the only option left) - if we don't either get matched with Lifetime by early July OR our dossier isn't submitted to the SDA in Ukraine by then, I might try ivf this summer. I have avoided ivf since Nov 2004 due to trying to adopt, but if something doesn't start to seem more definite with adoption by July 2007 I think it will be time to give ivf a whirl. For what we've paid for adoption we could have paid for 3 rounds of ivf, and with 3 rounds I'd have about an 80% chance of success. I thought adoption was the "sure" thing (which ivf is not), but it doesn't feel that way now 28 months later. Well anyhow I am hoping that the rest of the year it will be as easy to avoid opks and hpts as it has been the last several weeks.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Remembrances
Well tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my one and only due date. So many times over the years we had been trying to get pregnant I had known when my due date *would* be if I finally saw two lines, but this time I actually was told when my EDD was on several occasions by my RE. This time it wasn't something I merely hoped would happen, but in fact in my electronic medical chart he entered 2/24/06 as my due date. So I have had many thoughts (and tears) this week as I have let myself think about it more than I usually do. I'll just share a few of my memories.
Happy memories would be for starters thinking I saw TWO lines and then even more than that hearing the nurse on the phone tell me yes I was pregnant (barely - an hcg of less than 12). I wanted to scream from the rooftop I was finally pregnant (after three years of trying that included seven medicated cycles). The moment I had looked forward to for about 2 decades was finally here - I was going to have a baby!!! I first posted the news to the women online who had followed my story (as long as they promised not to tell Paul that I told them first, lol). After years of posting BFN as the result at the end of every cycle, I was finally able to type BFP in reference to me! Of course big fat positive was not the best way to describe my very faint line but that's the lingo used on those discussion boards. Then I went to CVS and bought a Father's Day card (which was just around the corner) and a candybar and drove 30 minutes to where Paul worked at the time and told him our happy news. His dad figured out what it was about just because it was the first time I had come to see Paul at work in the middle of the day (with a huge smile on my face of course). Then after I told Paul I immediately started using my cellphone on the way home to start telling others. I couldn't believe I got to finally say the words at the age of 33, "I am pregnant!". I remember feeling a huge sense of relief that our days of ovulation tests and shots and trying to time everything just right were over. And I remember getting my first (and it proved to be the only) congratulations card (from an online friend), and I remember sitting in the choir loft in church on Father's Day looking out at Paul and having tears stream down my face, but for the first time they were tears of JOY not the usual tears of grief I shed on such holidays. I also remember being glad when I felt nauseated as it reassured me I was pregnant.
Of course there are more sad memories than happy ones. A few of the sad ones would include the bad news we kept getting that my HCG was not doubling as fast as it was supposed to and the ultrasounds only showing the corpus luteum (pregnancy cyst). I had so longed for the day when an ultrasound would show a sac and then later a heartbeat, etc after having dozens of ultrasounds showing the progress leading up to ovulation in all the medicated cycles we had done. And yet the doctor printed out empty ultrasounds each visit, and of course he didn't give me copies like he would have had there been something happy to see in there. The worst moments of all were first when I started having this awful brown discharge. I remember Paul racing upstairs to the bathroom after I started screaming "NO! NO! NO!" in a panicked voice when I saw the external evidence that something was very wrong, and that was confirmed a little later at the RE when I heard that my hcg has stayed the same (I kept clinging to hope as long as it was going up even though it was going up too slowly). I sobbed in the RE's office after the nurse told me the number. Then on July 5 the RE said I had to have the chemo shots because my hcg had continued to (slowly) rise. It didn't seem I was going to miscarry on my own. The physical pain was horrific the next few days, but I think that actually helped some emotionally. Then I had to endure repeated bloodwork for a few weeks to make sure my hcg kept going down. I remember every time sitting there thinking for years I have longed to have hcg in my system and now I am wishing for it to go away as soon as possible????
Technically my pregnancy was never a clinical pregnancy because not even a sac was seen in an ultrasound. It was technically a chemical pregnancy although it lasted longer than a chemical pregnancy is supposed to last; so for that reason mine was labeled ectopic although that couldn't be proven. We'll never know for sure, but it seems that no matter where the embryo was - something wasn't right with the embryo because the hcg was so very slow in going up (which is not a typical sign of an ectopic pregnancy). I feel like I have such little proof I had a baby for a few weeks. I have no ultrasound pictures; no one ever looked at me and could tell I was pregnant. All I have are a few pregnancy tests that I saved, a few sympathy cards that I received in the mail after it was over, and a card I carry in my wallet saying I've had one shot of Rhogam (due to Rh incompatibility between Paul and I).
I wonder if my baby is in heaven. David's statement in the Old Testament is used to support this idea. If it's true, how will I recognize my baby? We are not sure if we will recognize people we've known on earth once we're in our glorified bodies, but what about a baby we never laid eyes on and never held? Well I know there are no tears in heaven so either I'll get to meet my child or it won't bother me that I won't be able to do so. Does this brief pregnancy make me a mom already? I don't feel like a mother, and people don't think of me as a mother.
Well if I've learned anything through this hard journey the last five years I have at least learned all the things NOT to say. Such as not to tell a woman it's good news she got pregnant because this means "at least she can get pregnant." I was told this so soon after my loss by many people "in real life" and online who viewed it as a "step in the right direction." How is me losing a baby a step in a good direction? We did the same shots and IUI that brought about that pregnancy three times since then, and it never resulted in another pregnancy. Not that it's impossible that I might be pregnant again some day, but I haven't in the 20 months since that pregnancy so I don't see that it was a step in the right direction.
Well I've rambled on enough. This event encompasses both the happiest and saddest moments of my life; so it's hard to be concise. As the tears stream down my face as I type I am just hoping against hope that my arms will not remain empty for too many more years.
Happy memories would be for starters thinking I saw TWO lines and then even more than that hearing the nurse on the phone tell me yes I was pregnant (barely - an hcg of less than 12). I wanted to scream from the rooftop I was finally pregnant (after three years of trying that included seven medicated cycles). The moment I had looked forward to for about 2 decades was finally here - I was going to have a baby!!! I first posted the news to the women online who had followed my story (as long as they promised not to tell Paul that I told them first, lol). After years of posting BFN as the result at the end of every cycle, I was finally able to type BFP in reference to me! Of course big fat positive was not the best way to describe my very faint line but that's the lingo used on those discussion boards. Then I went to CVS and bought a Father's Day card (which was just around the corner) and a candybar and drove 30 minutes to where Paul worked at the time and told him our happy news. His dad figured out what it was about just because it was the first time I had come to see Paul at work in the middle of the day (with a huge smile on my face of course). Then after I told Paul I immediately started using my cellphone on the way home to start telling others. I couldn't believe I got to finally say the words at the age of 33, "I am pregnant!". I remember feeling a huge sense of relief that our days of ovulation tests and shots and trying to time everything just right were over. And I remember getting my first (and it proved to be the only) congratulations card (from an online friend), and I remember sitting in the choir loft in church on Father's Day looking out at Paul and having tears stream down my face, but for the first time they were tears of JOY not the usual tears of grief I shed on such holidays. I also remember being glad when I felt nauseated as it reassured me I was pregnant.
Of course there are more sad memories than happy ones. A few of the sad ones would include the bad news we kept getting that my HCG was not doubling as fast as it was supposed to and the ultrasounds only showing the corpus luteum (pregnancy cyst). I had so longed for the day when an ultrasound would show a sac and then later a heartbeat, etc after having dozens of ultrasounds showing the progress leading up to ovulation in all the medicated cycles we had done. And yet the doctor printed out empty ultrasounds each visit, and of course he didn't give me copies like he would have had there been something happy to see in there. The worst moments of all were first when I started having this awful brown discharge. I remember Paul racing upstairs to the bathroom after I started screaming "NO! NO! NO!" in a panicked voice when I saw the external evidence that something was very wrong, and that was confirmed a little later at the RE when I heard that my hcg has stayed the same (I kept clinging to hope as long as it was going up even though it was going up too slowly). I sobbed in the RE's office after the nurse told me the number. Then on July 5 the RE said I had to have the chemo shots because my hcg had continued to (slowly) rise. It didn't seem I was going to miscarry on my own. The physical pain was horrific the next few days, but I think that actually helped some emotionally. Then I had to endure repeated bloodwork for a few weeks to make sure my hcg kept going down. I remember every time sitting there thinking for years I have longed to have hcg in my system and now I am wishing for it to go away as soon as possible????
Technically my pregnancy was never a clinical pregnancy because not even a sac was seen in an ultrasound. It was technically a chemical pregnancy although it lasted longer than a chemical pregnancy is supposed to last; so for that reason mine was labeled ectopic although that couldn't be proven. We'll never know for sure, but it seems that no matter where the embryo was - something wasn't right with the embryo because the hcg was so very slow in going up (which is not a typical sign of an ectopic pregnancy). I feel like I have such little proof I had a baby for a few weeks. I have no ultrasound pictures; no one ever looked at me and could tell I was pregnant. All I have are a few pregnancy tests that I saved, a few sympathy cards that I received in the mail after it was over, and a card I carry in my wallet saying I've had one shot of Rhogam (due to Rh incompatibility between Paul and I).
I wonder if my baby is in heaven. David's statement in the Old Testament is used to support this idea. If it's true, how will I recognize my baby? We are not sure if we will recognize people we've known on earth once we're in our glorified bodies, but what about a baby we never laid eyes on and never held? Well I know there are no tears in heaven so either I'll get to meet my child or it won't bother me that I won't be able to do so. Does this brief pregnancy make me a mom already? I don't feel like a mother, and people don't think of me as a mother.
Well if I've learned anything through this hard journey the last five years I have at least learned all the things NOT to say. Such as not to tell a woman it's good news she got pregnant because this means "at least she can get pregnant." I was told this so soon after my loss by many people "in real life" and online who viewed it as a "step in the right direction." How is me losing a baby a step in a good direction? We did the same shots and IUI that brought about that pregnancy three times since then, and it never resulted in another pregnancy. Not that it's impossible that I might be pregnant again some day, but I haven't in the 20 months since that pregnancy so I don't see that it was a step in the right direction.
Well I've rambled on enough. This event encompasses both the happiest and saddest moments of my life; so it's hard to be concise. As the tears stream down my face as I type I am just hoping against hope that my arms will not remain empty for too many more years.
Sunday, February 4, 2007
Baby shower
Well I think it's a blessing that I have almost no friends who are my age. Most of my friends are 10-30 years older than me which means they are not of childbearing age. Many of them are grandparents. For example, in choir there is only one other woman under the age of 40 besides myself. And she's in her early 20's and is expecting her first baby (due the end of March). They are having a surprise shower for her (and her husband) next Sunday night; they both joined the choir a few months ago. I planned to just skip the rehearsal that night (as almost the whole rehearsal is going to be the shower). Baby showers have been emotionally hard for me for many years (actually even before we started trying 5 years ago) so I have only been going to those of people I am close to. Since I have never spoken to this woman (she's a soprano and sits far from where I sit as an alto), I don't feel this is one I need to attend (although I did give money toward the gift and sign the card).
Well this morning we had rehearsal at 8:00 due to the Superbowl tonight, and during the rehearsal the director asked me (in front of everyone) if I could play the flute with the choir on the 18th. I said yes as that would be no problem. Then it hit me that the only time I will have to rehearse my flute with the choir would be next Sunday night. Later in the morning I pulled aside a woman who I knew would understand my plight. She had many miscarriages (a couple of ectopics, etc.) and adopted her first child and then had a successful pregnancy after that. So although she's been a mom for over 20 years, I hoped she'd understand why this was a hard decision for me as I think it took she and her husband something like seven years from when they first started trying to get pregnant until they adopted their first child. So I burst into tears and explained my situation. I couldn't decide if this meant I should go to the baby shower after all? I didn't see how I could attend the rehearsal for 10 minutes and then leave. That would seem far more awkward than just not going at all. I thought I guess I have to sit through a baby shower and try my best not to cry, but then I thought why do I have to do this for a woman I don't even really know at all??? I kept going back and forth in my mind and wishing that this wasn't so hard. Most women love going to baby showers, and I loved going to them myself say 15 years ago, but I haven't enjoyed them for a long time. I haven't been to one since my miscarriage in 2005, and my due date anniversary is coming up in 3 weeks which just made the timing seem even harder for me.
I know we might adopt from Ukraine sometime this year, and that does give me hope that I might become a mom in 2007. But I assumed that would be true in 2003, 2004, 2005, and 2006 also, especially in 2005 and 2006 since we started pursuing adoption in 2004. But even if we adopt there are still things I will grieve...not feeling a baby move inside me, not seeing a beating heart on an ultrasound, not looking at a child and seeing how that child resembles Paul & I in some ways, not nursing a child, etc. And if we only adopt from Ukraine I will grieve not being able to parent a child under the age of 2 (or maybe under the age of 6 for all we know). I know the main thing is we will finally be parents, and that will be a very happy thing, but it doesn't mean all the loss and pain will disappear.
Well this lady at church suggested I tell the choir director I wouldn't be at rehearsal that night but that I would practice with the pianist and/or organist between now and then and of course practice with the choir a few minutes prior to the service. I just left a message to that effect. I hope I am not causing a big problem. I really thought it would be simple to just skip the baby shower, but that didn't end up being the case.
Well on a happier note hopefully tomorrow we can schedule our time to sign off on the home study, and also we plan to redo our audio clip for Lifetime tomorrow morning.
Well this morning we had rehearsal at 8:00 due to the Superbowl tonight, and during the rehearsal the director asked me (in front of everyone) if I could play the flute with the choir on the 18th. I said yes as that would be no problem. Then it hit me that the only time I will have to rehearse my flute with the choir would be next Sunday night. Later in the morning I pulled aside a woman who I knew would understand my plight. She had many miscarriages (a couple of ectopics, etc.) and adopted her first child and then had a successful pregnancy after that. So although she's been a mom for over 20 years, I hoped she'd understand why this was a hard decision for me as I think it took she and her husband something like seven years from when they first started trying to get pregnant until they adopted their first child. So I burst into tears and explained my situation. I couldn't decide if this meant I should go to the baby shower after all? I didn't see how I could attend the rehearsal for 10 minutes and then leave. That would seem far more awkward than just not going at all. I thought I guess I have to sit through a baby shower and try my best not to cry, but then I thought why do I have to do this for a woman I don't even really know at all??? I kept going back and forth in my mind and wishing that this wasn't so hard. Most women love going to baby showers, and I loved going to them myself say 15 years ago, but I haven't enjoyed them for a long time. I haven't been to one since my miscarriage in 2005, and my due date anniversary is coming up in 3 weeks which just made the timing seem even harder for me.
I know we might adopt from Ukraine sometime this year, and that does give me hope that I might become a mom in 2007. But I assumed that would be true in 2003, 2004, 2005, and 2006 also, especially in 2005 and 2006 since we started pursuing adoption in 2004. But even if we adopt there are still things I will grieve...not feeling a baby move inside me, not seeing a beating heart on an ultrasound, not looking at a child and seeing how that child resembles Paul & I in some ways, not nursing a child, etc. And if we only adopt from Ukraine I will grieve not being able to parent a child under the age of 2 (or maybe under the age of 6 for all we know). I know the main thing is we will finally be parents, and that will be a very happy thing, but it doesn't mean all the loss and pain will disappear.
Well this lady at church suggested I tell the choir director I wouldn't be at rehearsal that night but that I would practice with the pianist and/or organist between now and then and of course practice with the choir a few minutes prior to the service. I just left a message to that effect. I hope I am not causing a big problem. I really thought it would be simple to just skip the baby shower, but that didn't end up being the case.
Well on a happier note hopefully tomorrow we can schedule our time to sign off on the home study, and also we plan to redo our audio clip for Lifetime tomorrow morning.
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