Deja vu

This morning as I was standing up singing in church, I suddenly felt like I was going to faint. I could feel the color leaving my face, and I felt very hot and light headed. I sat down, fanned myself, and took deep breaths. You would think by now I'd know to expect such a thing to happen, but it totally caught me off guard. After my heart stopped racing I thought to myself, I'm not pregnant right now. Lord willing I'll be "PUPO" (pregnant until proven otherwise) as they say on Thursday, but right now our embryo is still in the hospital. It has to be the progesterone, and it makes sense because I remember in January 2011 I had a similar episode a few days before I got the +, and the first + was very faint so I am sure a couple of days before that I didn't have any hCG in my system yet. The rest of the day proved to be a bit of a challenge physically. I had similar episodes throughout the day, and I even had some heartburn after eating some chocolate. I've been eating a bit more chocolate than usual lately (brownies, chocolate chip pancakes, etc.) just in case I will be avoiding chocolate for the next 7-8 months.

Up until I was pregnant with Nadia, I had a very romanticized view of pregnancy. I'd see a woman's baby bump (and I've never had that appearance when pregnant) and have all these warm and fuzzy connotations. Being pregnant with Nadia changed that for me as I found out that pregnancy is rather uncomfortable physically (although emotionally it was very wonderful with Nadia and Ian) due to things like heartburn, gestational diabetes, and struggling to find a way to be comfortable in bed. After what I went through with Oliver, I now know that heartburn and not getting much sleep at night are very trivial things to deal with while pregnant. When I hold my sweet Oliver, I am quickly reminded that he was worth it all. If I see two lines next week, I will be praying earnestly for the placenta to attach in the proper location, but if the Lord's will is for me to go through another difficult pregnancy, it will be worth it in the long run. As uncomfortable as it may be at times, pregnancy is not a permanent condition. There will be an end in sight.

Right now I am focusing my prayers on Teresa. She's the embryologist who will be thawing and preparing our embryo on Thursday. Many doctors, nurses, and receptionists have come and gone from this clinic over the past 10 years, but she has been one constant. She has prepared all our embryos for transfer over the past six years. It's not a guaranteed thing for an embryo to survive the thaw, and I'm really praying about that this week. I'll be so anxious to get that report on Thursday morning. God is in control. Today I looked up the clinic's results for 2011 for the first time. That year they did 16 ivf cycles for women ages 38-40 (I was 39 at the time). Oliver is one of the four out of those sixteen that resulted in a live birth (all singletons). That year they did 41 cycles for women ages 35-42, and 10 of those resulted in a birth (nine singletons, no twins, and one set of triplets). The surprising thing is that the average number of embryos transferred was greater than 2 in every category. Obviously he let most women transfer three embryos. Why didn't he let us? If this FET results in a pregnancy, then I'll understand why the Lord didn't allow us to transfer three in 2011.

I also looked up their non donor FET statistics for women ages 35 and up. In 2011 four of eleven transfers resulted in a birth. In 2010 one out of ten resulted in a birth. In 2009 it was one out of three. In 2008 it was five out of nine. In 2007 it was two of nine, and Nadia was one of those two. Putting those five years together, 19.7% of the non-donor FETs (ages 35 and up) resulted in a birth. Nadia was 1 of the 13 babies born from those 66 transfers. Studying the statistics of course gives me no indication as to what will happen with our last embryo. The result is in God's hands. It would be amazing if the Lord chose to give Nadia the sister she has been longing for. Time will tell!

Two more videos

I took two more videos of Nadia today. The one above is of her reading a story for the very first time. It's from All About Reading Level 1 Book 1. Today we worked on "th," and the next lesson will be on "sh." The one below is of her playing "Merrily we roll along" on the piano. She hasn't totally mastered the song yet, but she's getting there! This is one of five songs she practices almost every day (8 pages total).

FET scheduled

This morning I took the kids to the co-op. It's supposed to last from 8:30-12:30, but I took Nadia out at 11:30 before her fourth class started because I had an RE appointment at 3pm, and I wanted us to have a little downtime at home before we drove to the hospital. This meant Ian was able to take his 1pm nap in his bed, but Oliver's naps were both in the van. He fell asleep at 11:30 and then again at 2:30 on the way to the RE. Paul met us at the fertility clinic so that we could both sign the consent forms (for thawing the embryo). As soon as he signed the forms, he took the kids home. After the ultrasound, I went to the pharmacy to fill the prescription the doctor gave me and also made a stop at the consignment shop. This morning was I do believe the last time in my life I'll give myself a shot in my belly. Over the past 10 years I've had 15 medicated cycles, and only one of those cycles (Tamoxifen in the summer of 2003) didn't involve at least one shot. I did two cycles of Clomid, seven cycles of injectibles, and this is my fifth ivf cycle. Right now I'm taking estrogen pills twice a day and progesterone suppositories three times a day. If the transfer does result in a pregnancy, I'll continue both medications for several weeks.

I'm supposed to be there at 11am next Thursday for a 12pm transfer. My mom is going to leave MD that morning and meet Paul at the co-op in Winfield (that starts at 9:15). She'll drive the kids home in our van at noon. I'm staying home at a woman from church is coming to our house to give me a massage from 9-10am. Paul will drive from Winfield to our house in my mom's car. At 10:25am Paul and I will drive to the hospital in his car. They give me a Valium prior to the procedure, so I can't drive myself home. Paul will be there for the procedure, but he can't take me home because he has a lab a 2pm (he normally has office hours on Thursday prior to the lab but he's going to reschedule them so he can be with me for the procedure). I need to find someone to pick me up at the hospital around 1pm and drive me home. My mom is going to stay with us until noon on Friday because I am supposed to be on bedrest for 24 hours after the procedure. Thank you, Mom! We're going to skip the co-op next Friday morning. If the blastocyst survives the thaw next Thursday, then I will be buying hpts and start testing on October 3 (13dpo or 7dp6dt). My due date would be June 13, 2014 for a baby whose life began on January 11, 2012. Prayers are greatly appreciated!!!!

Thankful Thursday

1. Paul's mom was discharged from the hospital on Monday (she had been in since Friday), and her first chemo treatment seemed to go well yesterday. She'll have radiation next Wednesday, and we're hoping that is all it will take to put her lymphoma back into remission. We hadn't seen her in almost a month, but she and Pop Pop came to Nadia's soccer game this evening!

2. Ian took a long nap two days in a row. He actually slept for 2 1/2 hours today! Most days he sleeps 45-60 minutes, and even that is a big improvement compared to the first 2.5 years of his life. This gives me hope that maybe eventually Oliver will again learn how to take a nap that is longer than 30-60 minutes.

3. We enjoyed the co-op this morning. It took us a little less than 25 minutes to get there, which is a little closer than the one on Friday mornings. Nadia learned about the skeletal system in her science class, and she learned about Mexico in another class. Their Kindermusic teacher is a student at Susquehanna University. Ian didn't eat any apples in his apples class (they also did graphing, games, etc), and I'm not exactly sure what he did during his "Preschool Fun" class. Oliver was a hit in the nursery. I was in the nursery with him during the third period. I actually got to talk to some moms today, which was a treat. No one else homeschools at our church, and it's easy to feel like I'm the only one homeschooling around here. It's nice to be reminded we aren't alone, and it's also great to have a little conversation with another adult. Most weeks the only adults I talk to are Paul, my mom, and Paul's mom (the latter two on the phone). I didn't have a chance to interact with any adults at the Friday co-op last week.

4. Free apps are available every Friday from iTunes (ones that normally you have to pay to download), and I got some good ones last Friday. Ian has really enjoyed the handwriting one I downloaded, and I was able to select our handwriting curriculum's font (HWT). The other choices were Zaner Bloser and D'Nealian.

5. Paul was able to get the tv working again on Tuesday evening. I am happy to say though that aside from a few minutes in the minivan this afternoon (because Ian was falling asleep and I was trying to keep him awake), they haven't watched any tv this whole week. Yay! It's actually gotten to the point that they don't miss it any more. They rarely ask me to watch something.

6. I've enjoyed the two month break from submitting applications for Paul. Our list of applications to submit for jobs that start next August currently includes 8 schools.

7. Paul got a good report at the dentist on Monday morning (as always), and Ian did a good job at the hair salon yesterday afternoon when he got a haircut.

A Day in the Life

The first video is of Nadia reading one of the stories in the first book of All About Reading (Level 1). She has read almost all the stories in that reader one time. This morning I let her pick any one story so I could take a video of her reading it. She's come a long way with her reading skills in the past few weeks. The next time I take a video of her reading I'm going to take one of her reading a story for the very first time. I tried to do that yesterday, but Ian was making a lot of noise in the background. She's also doing really well with spelling. If you give her a three letter CVC word, she can spell it! Today we started to delve into four letter words because we were working on "qu." The video below is one I took of Oliver yesterday showing his skills of clapping and also walking while pushing the lion around the room.

Today I thought I'd write about what a typical day is like for us these days. The first person up in the morning is either Ian or Oliver. This morning they both woke up around 6:20. Ian went straight to the bathroom, and I brought Oliver in to our bed. The four of us usually snuggle in bed for about 20 minutes until we all head downstairs for breakfast. Sometimes Nadia sleeps until 7:30. After we've all had breakfast and gotten dressed, sometimes Nadia and I start on her schoolwork right away and other days she and Ian play for a little while first. We start her schoolwork by 8:45 at the latest, and at 9:00 I put Oliver down for his morning nap, which lasts 30 minutes long 99% of the time. This morning I had Ian pick a 24 piece jigsaw puzzle to do while I was working on reading and spelling with Nadia, and then after he finished the puzzle I let him use the Writing Wizard app on the iPad (letter formation) while I did math and drawing with Nadia. We do handwriting almost every day, but we didn't get to that subject this morning. We do spelling and reading in the dining room (large whiteboard on the table) and the other subjects at the kitchen table.

Next all four of us gathered near the CD player in the family room. Nadia and Ian each picked one CD of songs, and we sang all the songs on both CDs. Ian marched around the room during "Joshua fought the battle of Jericho." Rhythm sticks were used during several songs. Normally we would have read some picture books next, but Ian had an 11:00 hair appointment this morning. During lunch I read some more of the Voyages of Dr. Doolittle. While Ian was finishing his lunch, I helped Nadia with practicing the piano. I need to take a video of her playing one of her songs! Around 1pm we head upstairs to brush teeth, take Ian to the bathroom if he hasn't gone recently, and change Oliver's diaper. Nadia has her quiet time, and Ian and Oliver take a nap, which usually lasts between 45-60 minutes. Sometimes I am busy cleaning or cooking at that time, and other times I am blogging, reading, or doing my devotions. I have been reading through the Bible on the iPad. I'm following a chronological plan that will take me one year to complete.

In the afternoon we usually walk to the playground. Our first top is Miss Cheri's house. She babysits her great granddaughter (who is 11 months old), and sometimes they join us at the playground. At some point in the afternoon or evening we spend some time reading non-fiction library books. The last couple of weeks we've been reading books about the sun and moon. Our next theme will be leaves. What time we have dinner depends on what we're up to that evening. On Monday night we had dinner around 4:15pm because we leave at 5:00 for gymnastics.

Last night we weren't going anywhere so we had dinner around 5:00pm. Except for Wednesday nights go to bed later due to AWANA, around 7:45 we head upstairs to brush teeth, put on pajamas, take Ian to the bathroom, read a Bible story, pray, and give each other hugs and kisses. Our typical morning schedule won't be followed on Tuesdays, Thursdays, or Fridays for the next 6-7 weeks because I'll be going to ladies Bible study on Gideon on Tuesday mornings starting next week, and we'll have co-ops on Thursdays and Fridays. Ian will also be taking three classes on Thursday mornings. They'll be together in one of the classes (Kindermusic), and the other two periods they will be in different classes. At this co-op I was assigned to help with the Kindermusic class, help in the nursery during one period, and then I'll have one free period. I think I'm going to like this co-op better than the Friday one, but time will tell. I actually prefer the days we are at home all morning. I still haven't mastered the art of getting all my chores done. It's easier on the days when Paul is home in the evening. Yesterday I took everything out of the toy box. Evidently I hadn't done that in almost a year, as I found the Dunkin Donuts gift card we lost last fall at the bottom. It had about $25 left on it, which put a smile on my face! In the very near future I'll need to add one more task back into my weekly routine, and that would be applying for jobs for Paul. The first applications are due the end of this month. I've enjoyed a two month break from doing that. Here's to hoping it doesn't take 88 applications this time around. I usually go to bed between 10:00 and 10:30 each night.

John 3:16

I have taken several videos of the kids the past two months, but I hadn't uploaded any of them. Hopefully I'll get caught up this week. The 31 second video in this post is of Nadia saying her first verse for Sparks. It's due tomorrow night. Ian's is much shorter -"All have sinned."

Sentenceless Sunday

 

Many Blessings

1. The kids and I had a lot of fun at the circus on Tuesday night. During moments like that I feel like my heart my burst. Bliss.

2. I got a good report at the dentist on Monday morning, although he again reminded me that I need to see a periodontist. If this FET doesn't result in a pregnancy, I will make sure I see one before my next dentist appointment.

3. I enjoyed playing my flute on Tuesday morning and eating the delicious breakfast.

4. Nadia and Ian enjoyed attending a birthday party at the gymnastics center this afternoon for a girl on Nadia's soccer team. A few months ago I identified two disadvantages of Nadia being homeschooled for Kindergarten, and one of those was being invited to birthday parties (since usually kids invite kids from their class at school). I was very happy she received an invitation.

5. Paul's lab and lecture on Wednesday were cancelled because the power was out on campus. The lights flickered on and off many times that night at our house, but we never lost power for more than a few seconds. It was a treat having Paul home for dinner on Wednesday night.

6. It wasn't raining at all on Thursday. I checked the forecast online, and it showed 0% chance of rain for the next two hours so I decided to take the kids to the playground. While we were there we heard thunder so we quickly headed home (took a couple of shortcuts we don't usually take). We were in the house less than two minutes when there was a horrible downpour outside complete with extremely strong winds. I was so very grateful we got home before that began!

7. Nadia had her first night of Sparks on Wednesday, and Ian had his first night of Cubbies!

8. I am really enjoying seeing our new pictures in frames around the house. I'll definitely book another family session with a professional photographer again next year. If we have a fourth baby, I also want to do our first newborn baby shoot (which will be easier to do if we could avoid a fourth NICU stay, but that might be asking too much).

9. I attended a seven hour Beth Moore simulcast today. I am grateful Paul was willing to watch the kids so I could do that, and it only cost $15 (which included breakfast and lunch!). In the future I'd rather attend another Beth Moore simulcast than another Women of Faith event. She's my favorite Bible teacher.

10. I am thrilled to be in the handbell choir again.

11. I am grateful there are several homeschooling co-ops around here and other special events (like the Peach Party at the library) that they can enjoy.

Foto Friday

I picked the prints and CD up this afternoon from our photo shoot last month! Here are a few of my favorites. I will share some more in the coming days.

Nadia had her first experience with a homeschool co-op today. We left our house at 7:55am to drive to Mifflinburg where she had four hours of classes with 13 other children ages K-3rd grade. There were also classes for the older students. I was hoping there would be other moms to visit with in the nursery, but Ian, Oliver, and I had the nursery to ourselves. We also spent some time outside at the church's small playground. I was able to do some reading on my Kindle while the boys played. She used watercolors in her art class, did science experiments, participated in a Bible class, had a snack, and cut out pictures of mammals from magazine.

After it was done, we spent about 45 minutes in a McDonald's PlayLand before heading to the library for their Peach Party in honor of the Roald Dahl's birthday and the 50th anniversary of the book James and the Giant Peach. We were the only ones who showed up for the party! Miss Mary (the librarian) had fun activities planned. Nadia and Ian enjoyed the craft, eating peaches, and playing games with orange balloons.  Yesterday the ivf nurse called me to say the RE wanted me to come in for an ultrasound today. Previously they had told me I wouldn't need to come back this quickly. I told her that my schedule was very full for tomorrow. I had called on Wednesday, and usually they call me back the same day. I could have easily gone in for an ultrasound on Thursday if they had called me back on Wednesday. I told the nurse that over the past nine years I had done more than 10 medicated cycles with them, and every single time I got the "all clear" report from the day 2 or 3 ultrasound. I asked her if she could ask the doctor if it was really necessary for me to come in today. Thankfully, he agreed to let me skip it. Paul picked up the pills and some additional needles yesterday evening on his way home from work. I am still taking one Lupron injection each morning, and as of today I am also taking one estrogen pill twice a day.

My next appointment is scheduled for the 20th, and Paul will meet me there so we can both sign the consent. If all goes well at that appointment, they'll give me the last prescription (progresterone suppositories) and schedule the embryo transfer. Please keep praying! It would be amazing if this resulted in our fourth child and the pregnancy didn't resemble Oliver's. From a statistical standpoint, one would say the chances are very low, as with Nadia (another single FET) they said we had about a 15% chance. We have had four embryo transfers thus far (nine embryos altogether), and three of those have resulted in births. The only transfer that didn't result in a pregnancy was the first one, which was a three day (embryo) transfer. The other three transfers were all five day (blastocyst) transfers. This upcoming transfer will also be a five day (blastocyst) transfer. Our experience has been very different than most of the patients at this clinic (as seen by their annual statistics). God is in control.

I keep reminding myself of that because part of me keeps wondering why we weren't allowed to transfer three embryos in January 2012, as we had in the past. If that had happened, we wouldn't be doing a FET right now. Although I'm nervous about possibly experiencing another difficult pregnancy, I'm also dreading ending our ttc journey on a sour note with a negative hpt. I have had a good taste in my mouth (so to speak) from our ttc efforts from Nadia's positive (11/07) to Oliver's (1/12), which is not something I've taken for granted after staring at many negative hpts from 2002-2007. Which ever way this turns out, I am looking forward to knowing the end result. As I was sorting through the kids clothes recently, I was wondering if I should hold on to the things Oliver and Nadia have outgrown or not (I am saving Ian's for Oliver). I am very grateful for our three precious children, and I can definitely be content if our family is complete, although I am sure there will still be a little sadness over the loss of this final embryo, if it doesn't result in a pregnancy. This is my very last trip on the ttc emotional rollercoaster. Thank you, Lord. After 11 years, I've had enough.

3.75 Years Old!

In just 3 months he'll be FOUR years old. My oh my. Here are some ways he's changed and grown over the past 3 months:

1. He's no longer drinking EleCare! He's now drinking warm skim milk, water, grape juice, orange juice, and apple juice.

2. He's now getting himself dressed and undressed with the exception of his shirt.

3. He will now eat soft ice cream even though it's cold!

4. He's started using an iPad. He's spent most of his time on Endless Alphabet.

5. He and Nadia have really been into holding hands lately. Melts my heart.

6. I've started teaching him how to wipe himself.

7. He started Cubbies last night, took a 6 week t-ball class recently, participated in his second week of VBS in July, and is back in gymnastics.

8. He and Nadia are now in different Sunday School classes. Once she outgrew Wee Worship, he was at first opting to also stay with me for the entire worship service, but this past Sunday he had the courage to head to Wee Worship part way through the worship service even though Nadia wasn't going with him.

9. Nadia and Ian continue to develop creativity with their cooperative dramatic play. I love it!!!

10. He's learned to write the letter "I.". I'm hoping before he turns four he can write his name.