Deja vu

This morning as I was standing up singing in church, I suddenly felt like I was going to faint. I could feel the color leaving my face, and I felt very hot and light headed. I sat down, fanned myself, and took deep breaths. You would think by now I'd know to expect such a thing to happen, but it totally caught me off guard. After my heart stopped racing I thought to myself, I'm not pregnant right now. Lord willing I'll be "PUPO" (pregnant until proven otherwise) as they say on Thursday, but right now our embryo is still in the hospital. It has to be the progesterone, and it makes sense because I remember in January 2011 I had a similar episode a few days before I got the +, and the first + was very faint so I am sure a couple of days before that I didn't have any hCG in my system yet. The rest of the day proved to be a bit of a challenge physically. I had similar episodes throughout the day, and I even had some heartburn after eating some chocolate. I've been eating a bit more chocolate than usual lately (brownies, chocolate chip pancakes, etc.) just in case I will be avoiding chocolate for the next 7-8 months.

Up until I was pregnant with Nadia, I had a very romanticized view of pregnancy. I'd see a woman's baby bump (and I've never had that appearance when pregnant) and have all these warm and fuzzy connotations. Being pregnant with Nadia changed that for me as I found out that pregnancy is rather uncomfortable physically (although emotionally it was very wonderful with Nadia and Ian) due to things like heartburn, gestational diabetes, and struggling to find a way to be comfortable in bed. After what I went through with Oliver, I now know that heartburn and not getting much sleep at night are very trivial things to deal with while pregnant. When I hold my sweet Oliver, I am quickly reminded that he was worth it all. If I see two lines next week, I will be praying earnestly for the placenta to attach in the proper location, but if the Lord's will is for me to go through another difficult pregnancy, it will be worth it in the long run. As uncomfortable as it may be at times, pregnancy is not a permanent condition. There will be an end in sight.

Right now I am focusing my prayers on Teresa. She's the embryologist who will be thawing and preparing our embryo on Thursday. Many doctors, nurses, and receptionists have come and gone from this clinic over the past 10 years, but she has been one constant. She has prepared all our embryos for transfer over the past six years. It's not a guaranteed thing for an embryo to survive the thaw, and I'm really praying about that this week. I'll be so anxious to get that report on Thursday morning. God is in control. Today I looked up the clinic's results for 2011 for the first time. That year they did 16 ivf cycles for women ages 38-40 (I was 39 at the time). Oliver is one of the four out of those sixteen that resulted in a live birth (all singletons). That year they did 41 cycles for women ages 35-42, and 10 of those resulted in a birth (nine singletons, no twins, and one set of triplets). The surprising thing is that the average number of embryos transferred was greater than 2 in every category. Obviously he let most women transfer three embryos. Why didn't he let us? If this FET results in a pregnancy, then I'll understand why the Lord didn't allow us to transfer three in 2011.

I also looked up their non donor FET statistics for women ages 35 and up. In 2011 four of eleven transfers resulted in a birth. In 2010 one out of ten resulted in a birth. In 2009 it was one out of three. In 2008 it was five out of nine. In 2007 it was two of nine, and Nadia was one of those two. Putting those five years together, 19.7% of the non-donor FETs (ages 35 and up) resulted in a birth. Nadia was 1 of the 13 babies born from those 66 transfers. Studying the statistics of course gives me no indication as to what will happen with our last embryo. The result is in God's hands. It would be amazing if the Lord chose to give Nadia the sister she has been longing for. Time will tell!