Sleepover

Yesterday was my niece Grace's sixth birthday. One of Nadia's friends from church (and art class at MCS), is also named Grace. This Grace will be turning 11 in four days. Because Micah and Isaiah came over for a sleepover in February, Nadia wanted to have another sleepover. So last month we scheduled the sleepover for March 29. MCS had a half day which meant their fifth grade class (plus Nadia) didn't have art yesterday. We picked Grace up around 11:30am yesterday, and she stayed until about 1:30pm today. The girls painted their fingernails and toenails, played outside, walked to a playground, played on Maurice's Nintendo switch (which is temporarily in our house - once we divide up his technology it might end up in one of their cousins' houses), and watched two movies. All four kids watched Paddington 2. After Oliver went to bed the girls watched Wonder. Paul and I went to bed after putting Ian to bed at 9pm. Now that the weather is getting nicer, it means their customers want their orders, which means Paul is working long hours. As in he leaves really early (3:30am

today) and got home at 7:45pm last night. He usually doesn't go to work on Sundays, but he said he needs to go to work tomorrow. I woke up at 1:15 and saw that the girls were asleep. This morning they told me the went to sleep around midnight and that Grace fell asleep first.

It was warm on March 14-15, but then it was cold again. Today it was warm again. Oliver and Ian rode their bikes while Nadia and I walked to the playground. I wasn't outside much on March 14-15; today was the first day I really enjoyed the warm weather. Spending time in the fresh air is definitely a blessing. When we were at the library yesterday, we checked out a few DVDs including the new Grinch and new Spiderman movies. We watched The Grinch today. Even though Oliver was actually in tears when the Grinch stole all the presents and decorations, I think they enjoyed seeing the new version of the movie for the first time.

In late December I joined a photography class that costs $12/ month. I hadn't spent any

time on it yet in 2019. I was determined to at least look at the content I already paid for before I cancelled my membership. I'm trying to do that in the next three weeks. Today I listened to content from January while I was doing some grading. My ability to concentrate has been very poor the past 3 weeks. It's hard for me to just sit for hours grading. The students in my assessment class submitted an assignment on Tuesday. I'm hoping to finish grading that tomorrow.

If you'd like to check out Maurice's life list of the 520 birds he had seen, here it is.

Although I hadn't listed it as one of my goals in my post on January 1, one I had in my mind was to do a better job of inviting the kids' friends over to our house. I've certainly not "arrived" in reaching that goal, but I'm headed in the right direction. Grace invited Nadia over to a sleepover at her house next weekend since it's her birthday.

 I have to keep telling myself there are only six weeks left in the semester as I feel rather overwhelmed with all I am juggling (FT job, homeschooling three kids, Maurice's estate, and housework) especially in light of the fact it's now crunch time for Paul at the plant, taxes are due soon (and neither of us have started that task yet), and the cars for AWANA are due soon(which always stresses me out as we rarely have them completed by the deadline). If I end up teaching an online course this summer, that will be added to my to do list in the near future as the course would start in May.

Maurice's lists

I've heard pastors say in sermons if you want to analyze someone's priorities - look at their checkbook (how they spend their money) and calendar (how they spend their time). I don't think people write as many checks these days. Maybe credit card statements would be more applicable. As I've said before, I eagerly anticipated Maurice's birth, and that joy continued after he was born. I absolutely loved holding and caring for him the first few years of his life. He was my "resume" of sorts when it came to babysitting. People knew I had experience with changing diapers and such with Maurice. I loved holding him, pushing him in a stroller, playing with him, etc. The downside of our age gap was he was only six-years-old when I left Maryland to go to college in Ohio. I lived at home again the first two years I was a teacher (1992-94), but when I moved to Annapolis in 1994, he was only ten-years-old. This means of the 35 years of his life, I only lived in the same house with him for eight of those years. Of course I saw him from time to time over the other years at birthdays and holidays and such, but I only saw him on a regular basis for eight years. Wendy mentioned in her eulogy that she had lived with him for nineteen years; I think Yvonne lived with him for fifteen years, and I believe he lived with my parents for twenty-nine years of his life. We talked upon occasion from 1994-2015, but things really changed in 2016. Due to my mom's illness and death, Maurice and I had talked far more regularly the past three years. If I could go back in time, I wish we had taken the effort to talk more regularly prior to 2016.

As we cleaned out his apartment, there were things that didn't surprise me such as the fox soap dispenser and fox shower curtain hooks. I had known for many years of his love of foxes. When we saw him in November I had admired his fox scarf. We found a hand crotched fox hat, which we found out later Yvonne had just given him recently as his Christmas gift (2018). She had never seen him wear it, but thankfully I found a selfie on one of his devices of him wearing the hat she made him, which meant a lot to her. I learned that his favorite scent was lavender. Anything that could be scented (dish soap, hand soap, etc.) was lavender. I knew that he kept detailed spreadsheets of how he spent his time because he would tell me when I was talking to him on the phone exactly how many hours he had spent preparing for one particular course in one week or how many hours total he had studied the previous week. I also knew he kept a budget because he'd talk to me about what he thought he could afford with the dental work he had been undergoing since he went to Penn (root canals and such). I knew he kept detailed outlines of his plans for his future classes because he'd send them to me when he was making decisions regarding his course schedule. He was VERY analytical and detailed. I sometimes think I get too bogged down in details when I make a pro/con chart, but let me tell you my lists have always been short compared to his! I've only had time to look on his computer a little bit. He had a laptop, iPad, desktop, phone, and multiple external drives. I am sure I've only scratched the surface. I'm hoping to find the digital files for the three textbooks he wrote for his students in Brazil (biology and history). I'd love to have my kids read them some day, and I also want to read them. I knew he had been counting calories since the end of October. I saw what he planned to eat on March 3, but he didn't live long enough to actually go to Boston Market that day. He had many lists on his computer - a to do list that included some things he planned to purchase in the near future such as a light (his apartment was really dark!!!), glasses (Wendy and I had given him $$ to buy new glasses at Christmas), a new desk chair, etc. He also had lists for various years as to what tv shows he was watching that year and planned to watch the following year. Here is his list for 2018-19: SUNDAY- Supergirl, TUESDAYS - The Flash and The Gifted, THURSDAYS - Brooklyn Nine-Nine. He planned to watch Star vs. the Forces of Evil on Sunday, March 10th and Legends of Tomorrow on Monday, April 1. Later this year he planned to watch Black Lightning, Titans, and Arrow. And next year he planned to watch The Good Place, Runaways, and Cloak & Dagger. I haven't watched a tv show in several years, so I haven't heard of ANY of these shows, but there's a part of me that wants to see them just because Maurice had been watching them. On March 9th, Wendy and I had dinner at the Mexican restaurant where he had planned to meet a friend for lunch before he went to the cardiologist to get the halter monitor.

I have been listening to Hillsong United songs lately once I realized that was what he had been listening to. I remember one time a couple of years ago I was talking to him about how I was trying to decide if I should spend $20ish dollars on a concert ticket. Money was super tight for us at that time. I remember he said he'd never spend money on a concert. In July 2016 he told me it was the first time in his life he felt badly that he didn't play an instrument. At the end of mom's life we (Jenna, Yvonne, Wendy, and I) were taking turns serenading mom. He may not have played an instrument (once Mom let him stop taking piano lessons) and may not have liked music enough to want to buy a concert ticket, but he did enjoy music. He had listened to music on the day he passed away. He had listened to part of Scandal of Grace by Hillsong United as well as the soundtrack from Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe. Looking at his history on the computer, here were other songs he had listened to recently:  Heart Like Heaven, Touch the Sky, Prince of Peace, Here Now (those 4 are by Hillsong United), Elohim, Seasons, Valentine, Remembrance (acoustic), The Lord's Prayer, Your Word, Let there be light, Behold, In control, Jesus I need You, Obsession, Good Grace, Whole Heart, As you find me ,So Will I, New Wine, What a beautiful name (those 17 are by Hillsong Worship) ,and How Great is our God sung in Hebrew by Joshua Aaron. I do spend money on concert tickets, but I've never spent money to file my taxes. His taxes were very simple, but he chose to pay someone to complete his tax returns. When I saw how much he spent last year having his taxes done, I found myself wishing I had offered to do his taxes for him. I would have been happy to have done so. It just shows that we each make different choices (not saying one is right or wrong) as to what we will or won't spend our money on.

I took note of some of his "lasts." His last email that he typed was to Dad and Margie on March 3 sending them his take home exam. Dad had written him back, but Maurice died before he read dad's reply. He had sent it to his three sisters through a FB message right after he finished it (in the middle of the night). His last message he typed to anyone was on FB that went to his three sisters (in reference to something I had told him about Ian and Nadia). Wendy was at work (violin gig), but Yvonne and I had been chatting with him on FB. "Yeah, you and me both. GI bugs don't really bother me." Not very profound last words, but again he had no idea those would be the last words he would type. A few hours earlier one of his messages to me was "So sorry to hear poor Ian is sick! But yay for scoring a basket! I'm sure she'll remember how much her mom loved her.... that she wanted to be there so badly for every game!" I'm going to treasure that in my heart, as that is a lot more meaningful that the comment about GI bugs. And ironically, due to cleaning out Maurice's apartment, I missed Nadia's only two baskets of the year, Oliver's only two baskets of the year, and Ian's last basket. I saw Ian make several baskets so I don't mind as much that I missed his. It pains me that I watched 6 of Oliver's 7 games and 6 of Nadia's 8 games and didn't see any of their (four) baskets. March 10-12 we had planned to be in NYC. The only thing I had spent money on ahead of time was two nights at an Airbnb and 5 tickets to the Tenement Museum. The Tenement Museum gave me a full refund before I even drove to Philadelphia to clean out his apartment. Airbnb gave us a full refund a few days ago. I'm thankful we didn't lose any money from not going on that getaway.

Sometimes I hesitate in letting others realize how far in advance I sometimes plan field trips or vacations, but I didn't mind telling Maurice because #1 I knew he knew I was a planner and #2 I knew he had already mapped out a plan as to what courses he would take each semester over the next few years. Right now I have zero desire to do any advance planning. We had plans later this spring to meet up with Maurice when we were out his direction (ex. Valley Forge in May), and he already knew that we were planning to spend several days in Philadelphia next March during my spring break. At this point the idea of spending several days in Philadelphia without Maurice sounds painful, but it's a little less than a year from now so we shall wait and see.

The first two weeks after the awful call I got very little sleep. Thankfully I've been sleeping much more the past week. Getting enough sleep is a huge help. I was nauseous for about one solid week, but my stomach has been back to normal over the past week. My appetite has also returned. For awhile there after Maurice passed away, I had to force myself to eat to make sure I had at least 1,200 calories in a day as the smell of food just turned my stomach. Now I'm back to restraining myself to eating less than 1,400 calories a day. I've been dieting for 8.5 weeks and have lost 16 pounds so far. I feel very ambivalent about it in part because Maurice had been my biggest cheerleader with my diet, and also because well at this point the only thing that really brings pleasure are hugs from Paul and my kids. I used to feel so excited when I'd see the number going down on the scale. Hopefully eventually that will again bring a smile to my face. Right now I feel very ambivalent about just about everything. All that to say I feel much closer to normal physically but have a long way to go before I feel back to normal emotionally.

Interivew Postponed

 Several weeks ago I had accepted an invitation to interview in the morning on March 27. Following the passing of my brother, I was beginning to dread this interview. Yesterday I took Wendy and Paul's advice and asked if the interview could be rescheduled. Thankfully the search committee chair gave me several dates to pick from - the latest being April 24. This was a huge relief. I didn't feel emotionally ready to participate in an interview yet. Also, on Monday I checked the website and saw that if I come back in the fall I won't be teaching the assessment class I taught last semester and am teaching right now. Plus, the math classes will be from 8:00-10:45am like they were the past two fall semesters. The department chair had moved them to the afternoon last spring and this spring. I had requested they be in the afternoon in the fall. Prior to my brother's passing, this semester had been going a lot better than the last three semesters for a variety of reasons including less overload, fewer student teachers, not having class at 8:00am, and student teachers are

much closer to home. Last fall I had thought about only being 50% next school year, but earlier this spring I had told Paul I thought I could do one more year FT. One year of FT is worth more than 2 years of 50% because of things like the $6K they'd pay for Nadia and Ian's braces. When I saw the schedule I realized that if I was FT next spring I'd be leaving the house around 6:30am (which is not my preference) and would have ten student teachers - who most likely would be located farther from my home than my five are this semester. I did notice that no one has claimed the online math class this summer, which means most likely I will be asked to teach that. On Monday I felt like cancelling the interview and just staying at home next year, but I realize this is not the time to be making big decisions. So I am grateful I have at least a month to make that decision. I could participate in the interview to keep the option open and take even more time to decide as last year they didn't make an offer until the end of May. Part of me is hoping they don't make an offer until June because we will have a new Provost starting June 10, and if I'm returning next year I'd like to try *again* to be put back to

Associate Professor or at the very least Assistant Professor instead of Instructor.

Today I put some energy into trying to get the documentation I will need to file Maurice's taxes. I already had his W2 from Penn. Today I received one from the church in MD, and I made contact with UT Austin today regarding getting a reprint of his 2018 W-2. They said they had mailed it to Maryland, but it wasn't in the box that Yvonne mailed me of his mail that was at that house. On Sunday I uploaded some videos I had recorded over the past month. Over the next several posts I plan to include videos from skiing and such. The pictures in this post are from Saturday.

Splish Splash

Last Monday the kids had their first gymnastics class of 2019. Nadia and Ian's class is from 4:00-5:30, and Oliver's is from 4:30-5:30. In the fall Paul had been taking them to gymnastics on Tuesday nights, but I switched to Monday nights once basketball was over because their swimming lessons are at Bucknell University, which is less than 5 minutes from where they take gymnastics. Their swimming lessons are from 6:00-6:25. The members of the university's swimming team teach the individual lessons. Last year all three of the kids had male teachers. Nadia was thrilled that she was assigned a female teacher this year. Nadia and Ian have their lessons in the swimming lanes where it is 8 feet deep. Oliver was very proud of the fact he swam "backwards" (his words). He's the one I am hoping makes the most progress. The kids swim at Camp Susque, horseback riding camp, on vacation (Myrtle Beach this year), and at Aunt Janet's (indoor pool, outdoor pool, and beach). Nadia's instructor also worked with her on diving. I'll be taking the kids to gymnastics and swimming lessons every week of the session except for one. Paul will be taking them on April 8 as my math students are putting on a family math night at a public school that night.

Chemistry

The kids studied zoology for three semesters (August 2017 through January 2019), and this semester we've been studying human anatomy and physiology. Paul's three favorite school subjects are math, science, and history. His interests in history are rather diverse, but when it comes to science he definitely prefers chemistry and physics. Paul is thrilled to know the kids will be studying chemistry and physics in the fall. He's not so crazy about the fact I've planned botany for next spring. The Saturday Science program focuses on a different aspect of science each semester. It just so happens that this semester the focus is chemistry. I wanted to attend the programs that didn't conflict with our schedule as I thought it would be a good introduction to some of the topics we'll be covering in the fall. We attended the first session and missed the second due to basketball games. Today we attended the third session. The attendance varies, but there were by far more people at today's session than any we had attended previously. The newspaper covered the first session this semester, and the director thought that might be the reason the attendance spiked. The session always begins with asking the children to write down what they already know about the particular topic (chemical reactions was today's topic) as well as what they'd like to know. Then after the kids spend about 2 hours rotating between 5-6 stations, they ask the kids what they learned (KWL chart). Because I also planned to run a few errands and take them to make bath bombs at the Children's Museum, we only stayed for two hours today. The kids did five of the six stations. We didn't do the sixth because we hadn't brought a water sample from home. Making slime was the highlight. They also did acid/base indicator experiments, use a Geiger counter, inflated a balloon from the reaction between baking soda and vinegar, etc.

On the way home we spent about one hour at the Children's Museum. The kids made bath bombs and played for a bit in some of the exhibits. Earlier this week I saw that the museum is offering their first class for homeschoolers. Next month they are having a one hour session on coding for 3rd-5th graders which is free if you are a member (which we are). I signed Nadia and Ian up for that. I hope this is the start of more homeschool programming at this museum! It's much closer than the other Children's Museum that has offered homeschool programs for years. Also, one of Paul's former colleagues at Bucknell is teaching a five day chemistry camp (3 hours a day for 5 days) at the Children's Museum. It's not free, but it's reasonably priced. It's for ages 7-12. I signed the boys up because the week it's been held is when Nadia will be at Camp Susque. I thought it was the perfect time to do a chemistry camp - right before we study chemistry in science. It would have been wonderful if it didn't conflict with Camp Susque for Nadia, but at least the boys should be able to participate!

I was on the company's website which managed the apartment where Maurice had been living yesterday. I was trying to make sure I had everything cancelled so they didn't bill him rent for April. In doing so, I saw on that website he had me listed again as his emergency contact. What cracked me up was he had my age listed as 42. That must mean he thought his other sisters were still in their 30's as Wendy is my youngest sister and she's 42. Well if someone is going to make a mistake with my age, I'd rather them err on the side of taking 4 years off my age. I'll be turning 47 next month.

When my mom passed away it took awhile for me to realize I couldn't call her as I was used to calling her almost every day - and sometimes multiple times in a day. I had talked to my brother more recently over the last 3 years, but we still didn't talk anywhere near as often as I talked with mom. So getting used to not being able to call him probably won't be as difficult. There will positively be times when I will wish I could see him or talk to him and won't be able to do so. I got an email this week (I think it was from our electric company) that was about peregrine falcons, and I immediately thought of him because that was one of his most favorite animals. Ian is having an adjustment as he was used to saying "thank you for Mommy, Daddy, and Uncle Maurice" as part of his prayer at bed time. Last night he paused after saying Uncle. I slept really well on Thursday night. I was in bed for 11 hours that night. I didn't sleep the entire time, but I slept the vast majority of the time. Last night I slept for about 7 hours which was better than most nights over the past two weeks but still less than usual. My nausea seems to have gone away, for which I am grateful. I was nauseous for almost a week straight. As unbearable as terrible news may seem at first, I think we're more resilient than we think we are. We have two different members of our choir who alternate sharing a devotional during our choir rehearsals on Wednesday nights. The man who shared three days ago talked about how that very day he and his wife had gone to the doctor for a 20 week ultrasound for their second child. At that appointment they learned that their baby had previously passed away. She will be delivering a baby in three days although the little one has already gone to Heaven. There is so much grief here on earth. Although I have never gone through exactly what they are going through right now, I could relate to at least some degree the grief they are experiencing as I also have little ones who went to Heaven before I met them here on earth. I haven't watched Maurice's sermon yet. I'm not ready to hear his voice. I do want to watch this sermon at some point, but it would be too overwhelming emotionally at the moment. However, I thought I'd include it below in case any of you would like to hear a sermon he preached in the summer of 2012. I distinctly remember the day he visited me in the hospital during my pregnancy with Oliver before he left the US to go to Brazil. Unfortunately I was really out of it that day as they gave me some medicine that didn't sit well with me (I asked they make a note on my chart to NEVER give me that medication again). They didn't think I was up for visitors that day, but I told them my brother was going to Brazil and I wouldn't see him again for a year. They acquiesced and let him spend some time with me in my hospital room. As we drove home from Saturday Science today, we passed a Long Horn Steakhouse. Ian piped up - that's where we had dinner with Uncle Maurice in Philadelphia in November. I'm really glad I treated him to a steak dinner that night. I had no idea it would be the last time I'd see my brother face-to-face here on earth.

Goal Check-Up

It's officially spring! It felt like spring last week. I didn't dress for the weather on the day of Maurice's funeral. It was MUCH warmer that day than it had been lately. We had two days of warm weather (March 14-15) and then back to highs in the 40's. Yesterday was the first day of spring, but the weather forecast for today and tomorrow includes the possibility of snow. I can't wait until the spring weather is here to stay. The last two years March 20 was challenging for me emotionally because that was my mom's birthday. She would have turned 74 yesterday. I did think of her yesterday, and I absolutely still miss her, but my grief over losing my brother has for the last two weeks certainly been the main thing on my heart and mind. Realizing that it's March 21 makes it seem like April 1st will be here before we know, which will mean that we'll already have completed 1/4 of 2019. Nadia always disagrees with me when I state how quickly time flies, but let me tell you it definitely seems to fly by from my perspective. It seemed like a good time to look again at the goals for the year that I posted on January 1.

As for the house, this month we paid off the loan we used to pay off the mortgage last year. So that goal was achieved three months earlier than I hoped. I paid a big deposit on the new deck this month. Our last payment won't be due until the project is completed, which is supposed to be in mid May. So in less than two months we should have a new deck. No progress has been made thus far on the other eight "house" goals. Once my spring semester, I should have more time to start tackling those.

As for the fourteen goals I listed for Oliver, he did learn the books of the Old Testament. We listened to a song of them so many times that I was very relieved when his AWANA leader signed him off on saying all the books of the OT, as I was very weary of the song! He is making some progress on his table manners, eating breakfast in a timely manner, and his pronunciation of various words. Those goals are definitely still a work in progress. He sometimes regresses, but generally speaking he's also been doing a better with not making messes in the bathroom. We haven't started piano lessons or tried to teach him to ride a bike without training wheels, but he did learn how to ice skate this year! I haven't tried to teach him to tie his shoes yet because his tennis shoes have Velcro, but he has made amazing progress with reading and spelling and is registered to spend 3 nights at Camp Susque in June. His swimming lessons will start next Monday. He's made a little progress in math, but the light bulb hasn't gone off in that subject yet like it has with spelling and reading. Oliver has made great improvement with listening comprehension and with being quiet when we are listening to chapter books. It helps that he enjoys the Ramona and Henry books.

Ian and Nadia are working on their keyboarding skills usually at least four days a week. Ian is tying his shoes and is helping to clean the guinea pig cage once a week. Nadia participated in a science fair for the first time and has begun mopping the kitchen floor once a week. The rest of the goals for those two are still works in progress.

As for the goals for myself, I have lost 15 pounds. I had been exercising but it's been at least two weeks since I stepped on the elliptical, and until I begin to recover emotionally from the shock of losing my brother, I don't anticipate I'll be exercising any time soon. I also still need to drink more water, but at least I've cut back my caloric intake enough that I am losing an average of two pounds a week. All three kids participated in a wax museum event so that goal can be marked accomplished. I also have definitely been spending a lot more time working with Nadia and Ian on writing and grammar skills. The rest of the goals still need to be tackled.

This week life has partially returned to normal. The new normal that is life without a brother or a mother (here on earth). It was really hard to go back on Tuesday. I didn't feel ready to do so, but today it was much easier to go to work. Last night it hit me I hadn't made any progress on Maurice's stuff so before I went to bed I contacted his electric company to have the electricity turned off in his apartment tomorrow. Today I received word that the Medical Examiner did have his wallet and such, which was a relief as I was beginning to fear his credit cards had been stolen. I contacted the Penn library to let them know Maurice #1 wouldn't be picking up a book that had come in for him from another library and #2 wouldn't be returning a book that was overdue (I probably put it in the recycling bin when we cleaned out his apartment on March 9/10 - oops!). After Dad submits paperwork, the ME will mail Maurice's personal effects to Virginia, and then Dad can mail them to me in case he had more credit cards than the two I cancelled thus far. I have the modem boxed up and plan to drop that off at UPS on Saturday to return his cable modem to Xfinity in New Jersey. I figure if I keep doing a little bit each day then the list will eventually be complete. I also went to choir rehearsal last night. All three kids have had a cold (cough, runny nose), but thankfully Paul and I seem to have escaped the bug.

Considering we didn't end up using our tickets to see their Christmas production (a church down near Harrisburg), I was hesitant to buy tickets for the Easter production. Tonight I finally took the plunge. The downside of having waited so long is that there were barely any seats available, but I did find seven together off to the side of the auditorium.

Three hard weeks

Wendy mentioned the notion that if she had a time machine, she'd go back to March 1st and do everything in her power to make sure Maurice was seen at a hospital regarding the symptoms he had been experiencing. I feel the same way. I had told Maurice that night when we talked on the phone that I had the desire to go out there after he told me he had passed out. There are so many things I'd do differently had I known he would pass away on March 3rd. I would have accepted his offer to give us a tour of Penn Museum in November instead of visiting the Museum of the American Revolution. I thought we'd have many opportunities over the next several years for him to give us a tour, and we were studying the American Revolution in the fall. Maurice enjoyed the museum with us, but it would have been even more special to see the Penn museum with him. I talked to him for about an hour on March 1, but I would have talked for hours on end had I known it was going to be my last conversation with him. I would have sent him affirming texts on Sunday morning instead of telling him

about Ian's bout with a GI bug and Nadia's basketball game. We did give him positive feedback about his take home final exam that he shared with us that day. I would have pushed more strongly for him to come to our house at Christmas, and I would have accepted his offer to take a bus to see me in the middle of February even though I had a respiratory bug that I didn't want him to catch. I wish I had called Wendy on Tuesday instead of Wednesday to express my concern. On Tuesday I thought he's probably just dealing with the aftermath of having been under anesthesia for his endoscopy. I had no idea he didn't live long enough to have the endoscopy. I realize in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter what day his body was found. He was immediately in the presence of the Lord, but since that was his biggest fear, I wish I could have done something to reduce the amount of time his body lay there undiscovered. There are things I'm thankful for such as that the kids and I went out to see him in November, that we were in frequent communication via texting, FB messenger, email,

and phone calls, that I talked to him two days before he passed away, that Yvonne and I were the last ones chatting with him on FB messenger before he passed away, that the last words I said to him on March 1st were "I love you," and that I called Wendy on Wednesday night with my concern, as otherwise it might have been longer before he was discovered. I'm very thankful we had a close relationship and didn't have any unresolved conflict between the two of us.

The last few weeks have been very taxing on me emotionally. The last week of February I had a very unpleasant situation at work. Over my  years at BU I have had 23 classroom observations. The first 21 were very positive. Number 22 was not. He took issue with *everything* - didn't think debates should be used in class, didn't think second graders should be taught about the value of coins, thought I should have mentioned one theorist when I mentioned another, etc. Basically he has very strong opinions, and if your opinions are different - you are wrong. I

found out I was actually supposed to have been observed five times this academic year, but I was only observed twice. I pointed this out, and the compromise was to squeeze in one more observation. Number 23 went very smoothly on March 5. The two this semester were both by professors who had never observed me before. I realize I have far too thin of a skin, but the 22nd observation really upset me. Ironically, when I showed it to a colleague asking for his advice, he asked me if someone died. I had no idea that in the very near future someone I dearly loved was actually going to die. I wrote my rebuttal and included it in my binder. The colleague told me that three male professors in our department have in the past filed "hostile work environment" claims with HR in reference to the man who did my 22nd observation. I prefer less drama in my life not more drama, so I am not going that route although one colleague encouraged me to do so.

The third unpleasant thing  in the last three weeks was finding out that

someone had *again* gotten ahold of our Mastercard information and was racking up bunch of fraudulent charges. It happened almost exactly a year ago with the same credit card. Actually I had only been off the phone with the credit card company for a little bit on March 6 when the police called me with the devastating news. The good news is we aren't liable for the unauthorized charges. The new credit cards arrived on March 8, but given all I've been focused on since March 6 I haven't gotten around to making the change with the companies that automatically bill that credit card each month. This is by FAR the smallest "unpleasant hurdle" of the last three weeks. Nothing compares to losing my brother, but at a time when I'm also trying to deal with his finances it's not exactly the ideal time to deal with this as well.

My mom's birthday is in two days. My feeling of loss over her passing has been minimized a little now that Maurice is in Glory. I find comfort in the knowledge they are together, but I still miss her ever so much.

March is going to be a bit of an emotional landmine in the future between my brother passing away in March and my mother's birthday also being in March.

The shock and grief does not only affect one emotionally but also physically. I have lost a lot of sleep over the past 12 nights. I slept well on Thursday and Friday night, but then the past two nights I regressed back to the experience of sleeping well and then waking up at say 3:30am and not being able to go back to sleep. I am hoping and praying I get a solid amount of sleep tonight since I'm working tomorrow. Tuesdays are my long day at work. I don't get home until 8:15pm (or later). My senses feel like they are on overload. Sounds seem exaggerated and really easily cause pain in my head. I felt really nauseous on Thursday and Friday. My stomach felt better yesterday, but today I was again struggling with feeling queasy most of the day. I picked up pizza yesterday so I could still have a little more time off from cooking, and when I opened the pizza box the smell of pizza just about did me in. I had a constant headache for a few days, but thankfully that eased today. Even though Maurice's computer and such are sitting in my bedroom, I still find myself thinking - this can't possibly be true, can it? It's really hard to wrap my brain around. All three kids are sick. The boys only had a fever on Saturday. Now they're just coughing and dealing with runny noses. Nadia didn't have a fever. So far it seems I've escaped this bug, for which I am very, very grateful.

Debt Free

Yesterday I received my usual bi-weekly paycheck plus I also received payment for my 3 credits of overload from last semester and for 60% of one credit of overload this semester. Today I made the final payment on the loan I took out in January 2018 from my retirement account. I had used the loan to pay off the mortgage. That means in a few days (after the payment clears) I will be officially debt free for the first time since January 2001. I have used credit cards since I was a teenager, but I always pay my balance off in full every month. The first time I paid any interest was in 2001 when I purchased my first home eight months before Paul and I got married. Paul came into the marriage with school loans. We paid off the school loans in 2013 when he finished his doctorate. The interest I've been paying over the last year hasn't been to a bank but just to my retirement account, but my goal had been to pay that off ASAP just in case I go back to being a SAHM. I thought it would be a great feeling to finally be debt free again after paying interest for 18 years, but I am too numb from the passing of my brother to feel joy over being debt free. I spent a lot of money today because in addition to that payment I also paid our property taxes and mailed a check to pay for half of the deck. The payment was due April 1 as he plans to start working on the deck in early May. I also contacted Airbnb to see if I can get a refund for what we had paid for two nights in NYC.

As far as Maurice, today I packed up the modem he had been renting and printed a label to ship it back to Xfinity via UPS. I also cancelled his rental insurance policy. I am trying to pace myself and just get a little done each day. I worked at a frantic pace on his apartment last weekend and then with preparing the slide show, writing my eulogy, editing the obituary, etc. that I need to slow down. Ian and Oliver caught a respiratory bug; I was assuming it was the one the Towfighis have, but Yvonne said they didn't have a fever with theirs. As you can see from the first picture in this post, Oliver took a nap on the couch this afternoon, and he doesn't usually take naps. Ian came to the dinner table and said he didn't want to eat his chicken strips but just wanted to go to bed. Here's to hoping that Paul, Nadia, and I can escape this bug. My stomach is upset enough from dealing with the shock of losing my brother. Paul is taking Nadia to the Upward basketball awards ceremony tonight. I am staying home with the boys. 

On Sunday one of the things I had brought home from Maurice's apartment was his food. I threw away the opened box of rice and opened container of salt and the few things that were in the refrigerator, but I brought home a box of Crispix, some various Little Debbie snacks (oatmeal crème pies and such), and everything from the freezer. The kids don't like beef stew, which is what I made yesterday so they've been eating Uncle Maurice's chicken tenders. Nadia also has had two pieces thus far of the strawberry cheesecake that was in his freezer. There are also beef pot pies and a couple of other tv dinners from his apartment. Speaking of food, the people at Grace Baptist Church in Bowie were very generous once again. They stocked the Towfighis house with food - cereal, juice boxes, soda, oatmeal, bagels, cookies, fresh fruit, crackers, a hot meal for all of us on Tuesday night, $100 gift card to Chick-Fil-A, paper products, milk, bread, chips, peanut butter, jelly, lunch meat, a cherry pie (with my Dad's name on it), etc. Folks from the church also provided the pot luck meal served after the funeral on Thursday. They are very generous and thoughtful! It was nice not to need to cook while we were preparing for the funeral. Considering I was in Philadelphia on Saturday and Sunday and home alone on Monday night and in Maryland Tuesday through Thursday, the only cooking I've done in the past 8 days has been the beef stew I made in the crock pot yesterday morning. It's been nice to have one less thing to do. At some point I will need to get back to cooking, but I'll take as long of a break as I can.

Home again

Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. When I woke up today I still had a headache and felt nauseous, but I felt better than yesterday because #1 I had gotten 9 hours of sleep and #2 I felt a sense of relief knowing the dreaded funeral was over. Over the past nine nights there have been two nights when I got less than one hour of sleep total - the night I found out and two nights ago. Both were Wednesday nights. Two of the last nine nights I slept well - both were Thursday nights. The other five nights I got 4-5 hours of sleep whereas I typically get 8-9 hours of sleep most nights. So over nine nights I would typically get about 77 hours of sleep, but I've gotten about 41 hours of sleep in that time span. The sleep deprivation coupled with pushing myself really hard to accomplish many tasks in a short amount of time coupled with the grief and shock I've experienced have definitely taken a toll on my body. I long for the day when I don't have a headache, feel exhausted, and/or feel sick to my stomach. Yesterday was a grueling day that ended with a lengthy drive since I had to deal with rush

hour traffic around Baltimore. Thankfully the Lord kept us safe and kept me alert even though I was bone tired and yawning almost incessantly. As soon as we walked in the door I headed straight for bed. I was thrilled to see the time was 6:00am when I woke up. I have so many things I *could* do right now as far as contacting utility companies and such to notify them of my brother's passing, but I told myself today I was taking the day off as far as helping my brother. He has been my main focus over the past eight days. Today I tackled things like grocery shopping, making a beef stew for Paul, getting caught up on my work email, entering assessment data online for my student teachers from the conferences I had with them on Monday, and editing the photos from yesterday.

Considering I drove 3-5 hours a day four of the past six days, it's not surprising I didn't feel like going anywhere today. I took the kids to gym class, went to the grocery store, and came back home. Usually I stay at the church while they are in their gym class, but we needed a few

things from the grocery store and I was wanting a bit of solitude. I brought a book to read while the boys played in the play land and Nadia was in art class. I thought I would read the book during spring break, but this morning was the first time I cracked the book open. I actually intend to finish the book over the next two days even though it's 500+ pages long. I feel like I really need some down time. I had planned to take the kids to see the musical Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Paul and I saw that Broadway show in London in 2002, and it was one of my most favorite shows ever. But I hadn't purchased tickets yet for the show tonight, and I value sleep a lot more than a show right now. My goal is to stay home until Monday afternoon when I plan to take the kids to gymnastics. I am planning on skipping the Upward Awards program tomorrow night. I'm going to ask Paul to take the kids, and I'm also planning on staying home on Sunday which is not like me at all, but I had interactions with SO many people yesterday. I just need a bit of solitude. I am trying to get myself to the place

where I can teach at the university next Tuesday without bursting into tears.

The only relative who viewed Maurice during the open casket portion of the day was our Dad. The funeral home had said they had to use a lot of make-up in light of the fact he had been dead for three days before his body was discovered. At 10:00am we entered the church (after the casket had been closed). People expressed their sympathy, hugged us, cried with us, and looked at all the things we had set out on display such as his diplomas, books he wrote for his students in Brazil, his favorite stuffed animal, three of his paintings, his walking stick, etc. The funeral lasted two full hours. It started a bit later than 11:00 because the line was so long to sign the guest book. As far as our relatives, my dad's two sisters were the only ones who came from his side of the family. On my mom's side of the family our only aunt and uncle and six of their eight children attended albeit most of them live in Indiana. Two of my cousin's spouses also attended, and the one who lives in Virginia also tead of flowers. The final song was "In Christ Alone." The pastor asked us to all hold hands during that song. When it got to the part where the lyrics say "No fear in death.
This is the power of Christ in me. From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny. No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand. Till He returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I'll stand" many of us raised our hands in worship. 

brought their four children. I didn't see any relatives on my mom's side of the family from 2004-2015, and now I have seen at least some of them three times in the past 2 1/2 years between my mom's funeral, my dad's wedding, and my brother's funeral. It was very sweet of them to travel that far to honor Maurice and show support for our family. My mom had requested no eulogies. We had never discussed my brother's wishes since we had no idea his life would be so short. My dad went first, then me, and the last family member to share was Wendy. Wendy didn't prepare an outline or anything, and she did an amazing job. I was blown away by the beauty and depth of what she shared so eloquently off the cuff. I was just thankful I was able to get through what I had prepared without bursting into tears. I didn't read my eulogy, but what I said was pretty close to what I had written. Five friends also shared - two of whom are pastors at the church. There were four songs  - two by Hillsong United. While they sang "Scandal of Grace" we showed a four minute slide show featuring more than 100

photos of Maurice. While they sang "Not Home Yet" the nieces and nephews each placed a red carnation on Maurice's coffin. Because he loved nature, they made a bird nest type arrangement on his coffin ins

After the service, we drove about a mile to another building the church owns for a potluck meal. At that location we had a table set up with some of Maurice's books. We encouraged guests to take one. I had sorted through his books in Philly over the weekend and selected which ones I thought friends or family members might be interested in reading. Wendy thought I picked out the right amount as it seemed at the end there were only about two books left. Paul had claimed several classics on Sunday. In hindsight I probably should have saved more history books for Paul. I knew that he wouldn't be interested in books on topics like vases. I had to keep telling myself I did the best I could. It was a large task to undertake in a small amount of time, and I was also limited by space. My minivan was filled to the gills when we left on Sunday. One nephew wants to keep Maurice's walking stick; I'm glad that made the cut as far as taking it in the van. His beloved fox stuffed animal will most certainly be claimed by a niece or nephew. I believe that all of his paintings will be claimed by a friend or family member. Ian claimed an animal book from the table. Ian has been the one to cry the most during the past eight days. He was sobbing his little heart out last night as we were trying to get him ready for bed. I don't believe Nadia has cried, but of our three kids she is by far the least prone to crying in general. Oliver cried at the end of the service. He wanted me to pick him up, and as his head was on my shoulder he cried and said, "It's just too sad." The morning of the funeral as we were snuggling on the couch Oliver said, "Today is the funeral. I get to hug Uncle Maurice today." Um no. I didn't even give them the option of seeing Maurice much less hugging him. It's hard for a six year old to understand. I have more confidence though that he'll remember Uncle Maurice than I do of his ability to remember my mom since she passed one month before he turned four-years-old. Ian cried today because in November he and Maurice had talked about playing Minecraft together online. I had purchased the game on Steam the end of January (I was a bit late since it was a Christmas present for Ian), but Maurice passed away before they played together. I told him that he could play online with Adam, and that cheered him up.

Yvonne and Nathan came down with a respiratory bug on their way from Turkey to Maryland. Thus far, Ian is the only one in our family who seems to have caught the bug. Here's to hoping the rest of us escape it. I'm also praying that I will have several nights in a row of a good amount of sleep. Margie had been really sick earlier this week, but she was well enough to attend the service on Thursday. My lack of appetite has worked in my favor as far as dieting. I have lost 14 pounds in less than 7 weeks. It appears my brother had developed a bit of an eating disorder that may or may not have played a part in his passing. His weight hadn't dropped to an unhealthy number, but the way he lost the fifty pounds was not wise and might have contributed to a cardiac event especially due to the fact he was born with clef palate (although he never had the clef lip). We might learn more of the cause of death in 17 weeks. Anyhow, Maurice had been my biggest cheerleader as far as losing weight, and I have such mixed feelings about my diet at the moment.

After a ten day hiatus from using my camera, I took pictures yesterday. Part of me did not want to take any pictures. I took a few pictures at the church, but mostly I took pictures of the children outside after the luncheon. I was equally torn about having a picture taken of we three sisters. I was torn because it was the first time in 35 years that it represented all our (living) siblings. Part of me didn't want to take a picture because our fourth sibling can never in a picture with us again, but we did. I also realized it was the first time that my picture was taken when I was outside with my "new" glasses (which are about 6 months old). I've never owned glasses that turn when I'm outside. If I had remembered, I would have taken off my glasses for the pictures. Hopefully I'll remember that the next time. I'm not in many photos since I'm usually the one taking the pictures.

I'm just glad it's over. I do not like funerals one tiny bit. I totally lost it when they played a small clip of one of Maurice's sermons in the verse. I wasn't ready to hear his voice. It was too much for me to handle. We each had different times that were overwhelming for us. For example, for Yvonne it was when the pallbearers began to carry the casket out of the sanctuary. We survived. It's over. Thank goodness. I hope several decades pass before I attend another funeral for a sibling! Although since I'm the eldest, technically I "should" be the first to go, but in our case, the last went first.