Home again

Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. When I woke up today I still had a headache and felt nauseous, but I felt better than yesterday because #1 I had gotten 9 hours of sleep and #2 I felt a sense of relief knowing the dreaded funeral was over. Over the past nine nights there have been two nights when I got less than one hour of sleep total - the night I found out and two nights ago. Both were Wednesday nights. Two of the last nine nights I slept well - both were Thursday nights. The other five nights I got 4-5 hours of sleep whereas I typically get 8-9 hours of sleep most nights. So over nine nights I would typically get about 77 hours of sleep, but I've gotten about 41 hours of sleep in that time span. The sleep deprivation coupled with pushing myself really hard to accomplish many tasks in a short amount of time coupled with the grief and shock I've experienced have definitely taken a toll on my body. I long for the day when I don't have a headache, feel exhausted, and/or feel sick to my stomach. Yesterday was a grueling day that ended with a lengthy drive since I had to deal with rush

hour traffic around Baltimore. Thankfully the Lord kept us safe and kept me alert even though I was bone tired and yawning almost incessantly. As soon as we walked in the door I headed straight for bed. I was thrilled to see the time was 6:00am when I woke up. I have so many things I *could* do right now as far as contacting utility companies and such to notify them of my brother's passing, but I told myself today I was taking the day off as far as helping my brother. He has been my main focus over the past eight days. Today I tackled things like grocery shopping, making a beef stew for Paul, getting caught up on my work email, entering assessment data online for my student teachers from the conferences I had with them on Monday, and editing the photos from yesterday.

Considering I drove 3-5 hours a day four of the past six days, it's not surprising I didn't feel like going anywhere today. I took the kids to gym class, went to the grocery store, and came back home. Usually I stay at the church while they are in their gym class, but we needed a few

things from the grocery store and I was wanting a bit of solitude. I brought a book to read while the boys played in the play land and Nadia was in art class. I thought I would read the book during spring break, but this morning was the first time I cracked the book open. I actually intend to finish the book over the next two days even though it's 500+ pages long. I feel like I really need some down time. I had planned to take the kids to see the musical Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Paul and I saw that Broadway show in London in 2002, and it was one of my most favorite shows ever. But I hadn't purchased tickets yet for the show tonight, and I value sleep a lot more than a show right now. My goal is to stay home until Monday afternoon when I plan to take the kids to gymnastics. I am planning on skipping the Upward Awards program tomorrow night. I'm going to ask Paul to take the kids, and I'm also planning on staying home on Sunday which is not like me at all, but I had interactions with SO many people yesterday. I just need a bit of solitude. I am trying to get myself to the place

where I can teach at the university next Tuesday without bursting into tears.

The only relative who viewed Maurice during the open casket portion of the day was our Dad. The funeral home had said they had to use a lot of make-up in light of the fact he had been dead for three days before his body was discovered. At 10:00am we entered the church (after the casket had been closed). People expressed their sympathy, hugged us, cried with us, and looked at all the things we had set out on display such as his diplomas, books he wrote for his students in Brazil, his favorite stuffed animal, three of his paintings, his walking stick, etc. The funeral lasted two full hours. It started a bit later than 11:00 because the line was so long to sign the guest book. As far as our relatives, my dad's two sisters were the only ones who came from his side of the family. On my mom's side of the family our only aunt and uncle and six of their eight children attended albeit most of them live in Indiana. Two of my cousin's spouses also attended, and the one who lives in Virginia also tead of flowers. The final song was "In Christ Alone." The pastor asked us to all hold hands during that song. When it got to the part where the lyrics say "No fear in death.
This is the power of Christ in me. From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny. No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand. Till He returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I'll stand" many of us raised our hands in worship. 

brought their four children. I didn't see any relatives on my mom's side of the family from 2004-2015, and now I have seen at least some of them three times in the past 2 1/2 years between my mom's funeral, my dad's wedding, and my brother's funeral. It was very sweet of them to travel that far to honor Maurice and show support for our family. My mom had requested no eulogies. We had never discussed my brother's wishes since we had no idea his life would be so short. My dad went first, then me, and the last family member to share was Wendy. Wendy didn't prepare an outline or anything, and she did an amazing job. I was blown away by the beauty and depth of what she shared so eloquently off the cuff. I was just thankful I was able to get through what I had prepared without bursting into tears. I didn't read my eulogy, but what I said was pretty close to what I had written. Five friends also shared - two of whom are pastors at the church. There were four songs  - two by Hillsong United. While they sang "Scandal of Grace" we showed a four minute slide show featuring more than 100

photos of Maurice. While they sang "Not Home Yet" the nieces and nephews each placed a red carnation on Maurice's coffin. Because he loved nature, they made a bird nest type arrangement on his coffin ins

After the service, we drove about a mile to another building the church owns for a potluck meal. At that location we had a table set up with some of Maurice's books. We encouraged guests to take one. I had sorted through his books in Philly over the weekend and selected which ones I thought friends or family members might be interested in reading. Wendy thought I picked out the right amount as it seemed at the end there were only about two books left. Paul had claimed several classics on Sunday. In hindsight I probably should have saved more history books for Paul. I knew that he wouldn't be interested in books on topics like vases. I had to keep telling myself I did the best I could. It was a large task to undertake in a small amount of time, and I was also limited by space. My minivan was filled to the gills when we left on Sunday. One nephew wants to keep Maurice's walking stick; I'm glad that made the cut as far as taking it in the van. His beloved fox stuffed animal will most certainly be claimed by a niece or nephew. I believe that all of his paintings will be claimed by a friend or family member. Ian claimed an animal book from the table. Ian has been the one to cry the most during the past eight days. He was sobbing his little heart out last night as we were trying to get him ready for bed. I don't believe Nadia has cried, but of our three kids she is by far the least prone to crying in general. Oliver cried at the end of the service. He wanted me to pick him up, and as his head was on my shoulder he cried and said, "It's just too sad." The morning of the funeral as we were snuggling on the couch Oliver said, "Today is the funeral. I get to hug Uncle Maurice today." Um no. I didn't even give them the option of seeing Maurice much less hugging him. It's hard for a six year old to understand. I have more confidence though that he'll remember Uncle Maurice than I do of his ability to remember my mom since she passed one month before he turned four-years-old. Ian cried today because in November he and Maurice had talked about playing Minecraft together online. I had purchased the game on Steam the end of January (I was a bit late since it was a Christmas present for Ian), but Maurice passed away before they played together. I told him that he could play online with Adam, and that cheered him up.

Yvonne and Nathan came down with a respiratory bug on their way from Turkey to Maryland. Thus far, Ian is the only one in our family who seems to have caught the bug. Here's to hoping the rest of us escape it. I'm also praying that I will have several nights in a row of a good amount of sleep. Margie had been really sick earlier this week, but she was well enough to attend the service on Thursday. My lack of appetite has worked in my favor as far as dieting. I have lost 14 pounds in less than 7 weeks. It appears my brother had developed a bit of an eating disorder that may or may not have played a part in his passing. His weight hadn't dropped to an unhealthy number, but the way he lost the fifty pounds was not wise and might have contributed to a cardiac event especially due to the fact he was born with clef palate (although he never had the clef lip). We might learn more of the cause of death in 17 weeks. Anyhow, Maurice had been my biggest cheerleader as far as losing weight, and I have such mixed feelings about my diet at the moment.

After a ten day hiatus from using my camera, I took pictures yesterday. Part of me did not want to take any pictures. I took a few pictures at the church, but mostly I took pictures of the children outside after the luncheon. I was equally torn about having a picture taken of we three sisters. I was torn because it was the first time in 35 years that it represented all our (living) siblings. Part of me didn't want to take a picture because our fourth sibling can never in a picture with us again, but we did. I also realized it was the first time that my picture was taken when I was outside with my "new" glasses (which are about 6 months old). I've never owned glasses that turn when I'm outside. If I had remembered, I would have taken off my glasses for the pictures. Hopefully I'll remember that the next time. I'm not in many photos since I'm usually the one taking the pictures.

I'm just glad it's over. I do not like funerals one tiny bit. I totally lost it when they played a small clip of one of Maurice's sermons in the verse. I wasn't ready to hear his voice. It was too much for me to handle. We each had different times that were overwhelming for us. For example, for Yvonne it was when the pallbearers began to carry the casket out of the sanctuary. We survived. It's over. Thank goodness. I hope several decades pass before I attend another funeral for a sibling! Although since I'm the eldest, technically I "should" be the first to go, but in our case, the last went first.