One month

On Saturday it will be one month since his body was discovered, but yesterday it was one month since he passed away. We chatted both with text messages and FB messages, and I find it rather ironic that on March 1 at 2:26pm (before he reported how his doctor appointment went that day), I had sent a message about the doctor appointment and then said "I know you live alone, but I hope you don't feel alone. You are dearly loved!!! And I'm sure your professors would notice your absence if you didn't show up. It would not get to the 'smell' stage. I'm praying about your summer plans. Hugs and prayers!!!" His nightmare of his body not being discovered until it smelled didn't happen because Wendy and I were concerned and she called the campus police. His professors hadn't notice his absence because he passed away at the start of spring break. I miss him so much.  I realize that knowing the cause of his death won't change anything, but I really, really hope the autopsy report eventually gives us more information. We are assuming for now it was something related to his heart. They had told us it might take four months so that means just three more months to wait. Although a small part of my brain still refuses to believe this has really happened, I think in general my brain has accepted that this is reality and not "just" a nightmare. I think when I have heard of others talking about losing a family member in their 20's or 30's the three most common "causes" I have heard over the years have been from a car accident, suicide, or a drug overdose. A woman in our church lost her 37 year old brother a week after Maurice died due to a drug overdose. I think that is partially why it was so hard to accept it had really happened because I haven't heard many stories over the years of people in their thirties suddenly dying (out of the blue) due to an unknown medical condition. My brother never owned a car, and I'm guessing he hadn't driven a car for probably 2.5 years. He relied on public transportation or walking while he was in Texas and Philadelphia. And Maurice certainly didn't do illicit drugs or commit suicide. 

They sing Happy Birthday at our choir rehearsals. They purposefully sing badly in a million different keys. To be truthful I'm not a big fan as I find it painful to my ears, but I assume it's funny to most people. They sang to all the April birthdays yesterday, which includes me. I felt like crying as I kept thinking my brother isn't celebrating any more birthdays. Some years it has bothered me that I haven't done anything special for my birthday. I don't mean parties but just having lunch with a friend or something like that. I have to say this year I am totally in favor of ignoring my birthday. It's not because it bothers me that I am turning 47, but just because I am still grieving the loss of my brother and not in the mood to celebrate my birthday. I'm not saying I am not into birthdays in general. I have already been giving thought to Nadia and Oliver's birthdays this summer, but I really would prefer to ignore mine this year.




We sang two hymns at my mom's funeral plus there was other music (my kids sang, I played the flute, Wendy played the violin, etc.). The song that felt like "her" song from that service was "Great is Thy Faithfulness." The first few times I sang that song in church after her funeral, tears streamed down my face. Eventually I was able to sing the song without crying. There were four songs at Maurice's service. The slide show was during one song, and the nieces and nephews each laid a red carnation on his casket during another song. The first two songs in his service were not ones I knew. The third one (Not Home Yet) was one that I definitely knew, but we only listened to it during the slide show so I wasn't paying much attention to the song. The fourth one was "In Christ Alone," which is one of my most favorite songs. One part of the lyrics were particularly appropriate, "No guilt in life, no fear in death— This is the power of Christ in me; From life’s first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny.” This past Sunday morning I was standing with the choir on the risers on the platform. We stay on the platform for about 45 minutes of each service. We had sung our anthem. Then the congregation started singing "In Christ Alone" and I was hit with a tsunami of emotion. I started crying and decided I should exit to backstage. And then I was sobbing and this lead to hyperventilating and them summoning (by text message) a doctor and nurse to check me out (took my blood pressure and such). Oi vey. A woman in the choir had some Ativan in her purse, and the doctor asked her to give me 1/2 of a pill. I really don't think that was necessary, but they seemed pretty adamant so I accepted it. Paul was at work. Nadia and Ian were in the sanctuary by themselves. I asked someone from the choir to go sit with them. Oliver was with the 1st/2nd grade boys. After lying down a while in the pastor's wife's office, I came back and heard the sermon during the second service. Someone had offered to drive the kids and I home, but I felt like I could drive myself home. I hope eventually I will be able to sing that song without an adverse emotional reaction, as I do really love that song, but for now I will avoid it like the plague. Just like I know I am no where near ready to listen to any video that contains his voice. In time I will be ready, but not yet.




One of the things that upset me when my Mom passed away was the thought that kids (especially Oliver) might not remember her. I have some of the same concern regarding Uncle Maurice. Paul took Nadia roller skating tonight for the first time this year. She likes to go to the monthly skate night hosted by our local Christian radio station but her basketball practices interfered with the first three this year. I was reading picture books to the boys, and Ian brought me Bear's Loose Tooth by Karma Wilson, and he said, "this was one of Grandma's favorite books." She did like this series of books about Bear. I was really touched that he remembered this about her. In time I plan to make a photo book about Maurice just like I made of Mom after she passed. I'm not ready to do it yet, but it will be easy to do considering I already scanned a lot of pictures for his slide show.

Lion King it is

When I saw how much the kids loved seeing the touring Broadway performance of Aladdin in August in Buffalo, I decided to make it a goal to take the kids to see one Broadway show per year. I had heard rave reviews for years for Lion King. The tickets to see it in NYC were just too high (meaning I was unwilling to spend more than $500 to buy 5 tickets), but I saw the tour included Norfolk, VA, which I thought we could do if we got a week through Interval for Myrtle Beach around the time the tour would be in Norfolk. I got our tickets after we got our week in Myrtle Beach. I had no idea that time that Nadia would be in a production of Lion King, Jr. this summer. I know of five organizations within 45 minutes of our house that offer theatre camps in the summer. The one where she went in 2013, 2014, and 2018 have two middle school productions this summer - Mary Poppins, which she would love to do but it would mean she couldn't go to Camp Susque and Willy Wonka, which is one of her least favorite books/movies.  The one where she went in 2015 and 2016 is doing Frozen, Jr this summer. Although she loved Frozen at one point, that's no longer on her list of princess stories that she likes, plus there were a variety of schedule conflicts. Her other options included a Snoopy musical, the Pied Piper (she took an acting class there in 2017), or Lion King, Jr. (where she was in Madagascar, Jr. in 2017). Two of the theatres are about 20 minutes from our house. One of those does offer a theatre class for middle schoolers, but it doesn't include putting on a theatrical presentation, which is a requirement in her mind. The downside of the one she picked is that it's 45 minutes away from our house. The upsides are that it only lasts one week (some of the other productions include three or more weeks of rehearsals), and the dates (in August) don't conflict with anything else. I'm hoping to possibly carpool with someone else to make the driving more reasonable. So we plan to see Lion King in Norfolk the end of May and then watch Nadia in it in August. The kids put on the production three times - Friday night plus twice on Saturday. The Snoopy musical would have been her second choice, but the dates conflicted with Camp Susque.

I think the last full day of school will be May 6. I plan to have Oliver keep doing reading for more of the month of May, but otherwise I think we'll have wrapped up this school year. I have a bunch of field trips scheduled for May, but most of our summer activities won't begin until the end of May. Here's the current plan:

End of May and first part of June - Family vacation with Paul's parents (includes a week at Myrtle Beach as well as other sites including Jamestown, Yorktown, Williamsburg, Monticello, Montpelier, Luray Caverns, USS North Carolina, Fort Sumter, etc.)

Week of June 10 - Horseback riding camp for all three kids (M-F) 

Week of June 17 - Oliver at Camp Susque for 3 nights; Nadia and Ian one day at Montage Mountain Water Park; VBS at our church four mornings that week

Week of June 24 - Ian at Camp Susque for 7 nights

Week of July 1 - Long Island with Aunt Janet

Week of July 8 - all three kids at Camp Good News (9-3 M-F) and VBS (6-8:30pm)

Week of July 15 - Nadia at Camp Susque for 7 nights; boys have chemistry camp (1-4pm) and VBS (5-8pm)

Week of July 22 - baseball/softball clinic for four nights (all 3 kids), hopefully a history camp for 3 hours a day for 3 days that week for all three kids (hasn't been posted yet on the website)

Week of July 29 - probably art camp for all three (3 hours a day M-F) but possibly a history camp for Nadia and Ian instead

Week of August 5 - National Night Out, roller skating, DelGrosso's Amusement Park, and a 2 night getaway to New York State to visit Fort Ticonderoga and Saratoga

Week of August 12 - Nadia at theatre camp

Week of August 18 - two-day trip to Allentown (National Museum of Industrial History, Museum of Indian Culture, Lost River Caverns, Crayola Experience) and two one-day trips (Erie Maritime Museum and Eckley Miners' Village)

I haven't been scheduling any field trips since I found out Maurice had passed away, but thankfully I already had quite a bit planned out of the summer. Some of these plans might change if I decide to stay at home next school year, but as of now here are some field trips I've planned for May through August.

1. Homeschool Day at Refreshing Mountain (includes science plus zip lining and such)
2. Reptiland
3. Pennsbury Manor
4. Washington Crossing Park and Old Barracks Museum
5. Statue of Liberty
6. Aesop Fables presentation, Steamtown, Bees Backyard, and Sky Zone trampoline park
7. Mulan, Jr musical and Lake Tobias
8. Valley Forge
9. Blue Angels Airshow
10. Colonial Children's Day at Fort Frederick State Park
11. Civil War Days at Curtin Village
12. Revolutionary War Days at Fort Roberdeau
13. Civil War Days at Landis Valley Village
14. Snoopy musical
15. Junie B. Jones musical
16. Something Grimm production at BTE
17. WGRC Day at Knoebels (free concerts)
18. Civil War to WW2 at Eckley Miners' Village and Old Jail Museum

There are some things that we have done the last year or two that are NOT on the calendar thus far for this summer including:

1. Swimming or diving lessons (we're doing indoor lessons right now at Bucknell)
2. Tennis lessons
3. Adventure Camp (Nadia enjoyed this at Bloomsburg University last year but I'm hoping the zip lining and rock wall climbing on May 9 will suffice)
4. Far fewer trips to amusement parks; right now we just have three planned - Knoebels in May, Montage Mountain water park in June, and DelGrossos in August. In comparison last year we went to Dorney Park, Sesame Place, Six Flags, Knoebels, Disneyland, Legoland, Aquatica, Montage Mountain, and Sea World.

Of course these plans are not set in stone. Time will tell. With the experience of my brother's sudden passing still very fresh in my mind, I know that plans can drastically change even at the very last minute. My brother was scheduled to speak at a conference later this month. We just never know what a day will bring. The less drastic instance that often comes to my mind was from May 2012 when the dentist office called and to confirm if I'd be at my six month appointment the next morning. I said I'd be there. Then I ended up in the hospital during the middle of the night, and it ended up being several months before I was able to actually make it to the dentist.

Sleepover

Yesterday was my niece Grace's sixth birthday. One of Nadia's friends from church (and art class at MCS), is also named Grace. This Grace will be turning 11 in four days. Because Micah and Isaiah came over for a sleepover in February, Nadia wanted to have another sleepover. So last month we scheduled the sleepover for March 29. MCS had a half day which meant their fifth grade class (plus Nadia) didn't have art yesterday. We picked Grace up around 11:30am yesterday, and she stayed until about 1:30pm today. The girls painted their fingernails and toenails, played outside, walked to a playground, played on Maurice's Nintendo switch (which is temporarily in our house - once we divide up his technology it might end up in one of their cousins' houses), and watched two movies. All four kids watched Paddington 2. After Oliver went to bed the girls watched Wonder. Paul and I went to bed after putting Ian to bed at 9pm. Now that the weather is getting nicer, it means their customers want their orders, which means Paul is working long hours. As in he leaves really early (3:30am

today) and got home at 7:45pm last night. He usually doesn't go to work on Sundays, but he said he needs to go to work tomorrow. I woke up at 1:15 and saw that the girls were asleep. This morning they told me the went to sleep around midnight and that Grace fell asleep first.

It was warm on March 14-15, but then it was cold again. Today it was warm again. Oliver and Ian rode their bikes while Nadia and I walked to the playground. I wasn't outside much on March 14-15; today was the first day I really enjoyed the warm weather. Spending time in the fresh air is definitely a blessing. When we were at the library yesterday, we checked out a few DVDs including the new Grinch and new Spiderman movies. We watched The Grinch today. Even though Oliver was actually in tears when the Grinch stole all the presents and decorations, I think they enjoyed seeing the new version of the movie for the first time.

In late December I joined a photography class that costs $12/ month. I hadn't spent any

time on it yet in 2019. I was determined to at least look at the content I already paid for before I cancelled my membership. I'm trying to do that in the next three weeks. Today I listened to content from January while I was doing some grading. My ability to concentrate has been very poor the past 3 weeks. It's hard for me to just sit for hours grading. The students in my assessment class submitted an assignment on Tuesday. I'm hoping to finish grading that tomorrow.

If you'd like to check out Maurice's life list of the 520 birds he had seen, here it is.

Although I hadn't listed it as one of my goals in my post on January 1, one I had in my mind was to do a better job of inviting the kids' friends over to our house. I've certainly not "arrived" in reaching that goal, but I'm headed in the right direction. Grace invited Nadia over to a sleepover at her house next weekend since it's her birthday.

 I have to keep telling myself there are only six weeks left in the semester as I feel rather overwhelmed with all I am juggling (FT job, homeschooling three kids, Maurice's estate, and housework) especially in light of the fact it's now crunch time for Paul at the plant, taxes are due soon (and neither of us have started that task yet), and the cars for AWANA are due soon(which always stresses me out as we rarely have them completed by the deadline). If I end up teaching an online course this summer, that will be added to my to do list in the near future as the course would start in May.

Maurice's lists

I've heard pastors say in sermons if you want to analyze someone's priorities - look at their checkbook (how they spend their money) and calendar (how they spend their time). I don't think people write as many checks these days. Maybe credit card statements would be more applicable. As I've said before, I eagerly anticipated Maurice's birth, and that joy continued after he was born. I absolutely loved holding and caring for him the first few years of his life. He was my "resume" of sorts when it came to babysitting. People knew I had experience with changing diapers and such with Maurice. I loved holding him, pushing him in a stroller, playing with him, etc. The downside of our age gap was he was only six-years-old when I left Maryland to go to college in Ohio. I lived at home again the first two years I was a teacher (1992-94), but when I moved to Annapolis in 1994, he was only ten-years-old. This means of the 35 years of his life, I only lived in the same house with him for eight of those years. Of course I saw him from time to time over the other years at birthdays and holidays and such, but I only saw him on a regular basis for eight years. Wendy mentioned in her eulogy that she had lived with him for nineteen years; I think Yvonne lived with him for fifteen years, and I believe he lived with my parents for twenty-nine years of his life. We talked upon occasion from 1994-2015, but things really changed in 2016. Due to my mom's illness and death, Maurice and I had talked far more regularly the past three years. If I could go back in time, I wish we had taken the effort to talk more regularly prior to 2016.

As we cleaned out his apartment, there were things that didn't surprise me such as the fox soap dispenser and fox shower curtain hooks. I had known for many years of his love of foxes. When we saw him in November I had admired his fox scarf. We found a hand crotched fox hat, which we found out later Yvonne had just given him recently as his Christmas gift (2018). She had never seen him wear it, but thankfully I found a selfie on one of his devices of him wearing the hat she made him, which meant a lot to her. I learned that his favorite scent was lavender. Anything that could be scented (dish soap, hand soap, etc.) was lavender. I knew that he kept detailed spreadsheets of how he spent his time because he would tell me when I was talking to him on the phone exactly how many hours he had spent preparing for one particular course in one week or how many hours total he had studied the previous week. I also knew he kept a budget because he'd talk to me about what he thought he could afford with the dental work he had been undergoing since he went to Penn (root canals and such). I knew he kept detailed outlines of his plans for his future classes because he'd send them to me when he was making decisions regarding his course schedule. He was VERY analytical and detailed. I sometimes think I get too bogged down in details when I make a pro/con chart, but let me tell you my lists have always been short compared to his! I've only had time to look on his computer a little bit. He had a laptop, iPad, desktop, phone, and multiple external drives. I am sure I've only scratched the surface. I'm hoping to find the digital files for the three textbooks he wrote for his students in Brazil (biology and history). I'd love to have my kids read them some day, and I also want to read them. I knew he had been counting calories since the end of October. I saw what he planned to eat on March 3, but he didn't live long enough to actually go to Boston Market that day. He had many lists on his computer - a to do list that included some things he planned to purchase in the near future such as a light (his apartment was really dark!!!), glasses (Wendy and I had given him $$ to buy new glasses at Christmas), a new desk chair, etc. He also had lists for various years as to what tv shows he was watching that year and planned to watch the following year. Here is his list for 2018-19: SUNDAY- Supergirl, TUESDAYS - The Flash and The Gifted, THURSDAYS - Brooklyn Nine-Nine. He planned to watch Star vs. the Forces of Evil on Sunday, March 10th and Legends of Tomorrow on Monday, April 1. Later this year he planned to watch Black Lightning, Titans, and Arrow. And next year he planned to watch The Good Place, Runaways, and Cloak & Dagger. I haven't watched a tv show in several years, so I haven't heard of ANY of these shows, but there's a part of me that wants to see them just because Maurice had been watching them. On March 9th, Wendy and I had dinner at the Mexican restaurant where he had planned to meet a friend for lunch before he went to the cardiologist to get the halter monitor.

I have been listening to Hillsong United songs lately once I realized that was what he had been listening to. I remember one time a couple of years ago I was talking to him about how I was trying to decide if I should spend $20ish dollars on a concert ticket. Money was super tight for us at that time. I remember he said he'd never spend money on a concert. In July 2016 he told me it was the first time in his life he felt badly that he didn't play an instrument. At the end of mom's life we (Jenna, Yvonne, Wendy, and I) were taking turns serenading mom. He may not have played an instrument (once Mom let him stop taking piano lessons) and may not have liked music enough to want to buy a concert ticket, but he did enjoy music. He had listened to music on the day he passed away. He had listened to part of Scandal of Grace by Hillsong United as well as the soundtrack from Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe. Looking at his history on the computer, here were other songs he had listened to recently:  Heart Like Heaven, Touch the Sky, Prince of Peace, Here Now (those 4 are by Hillsong United), Elohim, Seasons, Valentine, Remembrance (acoustic), The Lord's Prayer, Your Word, Let there be light, Behold, In control, Jesus I need You, Obsession, Good Grace, Whole Heart, As you find me ,So Will I, New Wine, What a beautiful name (those 17 are by Hillsong Worship) ,and How Great is our God sung in Hebrew by Joshua Aaron. I do spend money on concert tickets, but I've never spent money to file my taxes. His taxes were very simple, but he chose to pay someone to complete his tax returns. When I saw how much he spent last year having his taxes done, I found myself wishing I had offered to do his taxes for him. I would have been happy to have done so. It just shows that we each make different choices (not saying one is right or wrong) as to what we will or won't spend our money on.

I took note of some of his "lasts." His last email that he typed was to Dad and Margie on March 3 sending them his take home exam. Dad had written him back, but Maurice died before he read dad's reply. He had sent it to his three sisters through a FB message right after he finished it (in the middle of the night). His last message he typed to anyone was on FB that went to his three sisters (in reference to something I had told him about Ian and Nadia). Wendy was at work (violin gig), but Yvonne and I had been chatting with him on FB. "Yeah, you and me both. GI bugs don't really bother me." Not very profound last words, but again he had no idea those would be the last words he would type. A few hours earlier one of his messages to me was "So sorry to hear poor Ian is sick! But yay for scoring a basket! I'm sure she'll remember how much her mom loved her.... that she wanted to be there so badly for every game!" I'm going to treasure that in my heart, as that is a lot more meaningful that the comment about GI bugs. And ironically, due to cleaning out Maurice's apartment, I missed Nadia's only two baskets of the year, Oliver's only two baskets of the year, and Ian's last basket. I saw Ian make several baskets so I don't mind as much that I missed his. It pains me that I watched 6 of Oliver's 7 games and 6 of Nadia's 8 games and didn't see any of their (four) baskets. March 10-12 we had planned to be in NYC. The only thing I had spent money on ahead of time was two nights at an Airbnb and 5 tickets to the Tenement Museum. The Tenement Museum gave me a full refund before I even drove to Philadelphia to clean out his apartment. Airbnb gave us a full refund a few days ago. I'm thankful we didn't lose any money from not going on that getaway.

Sometimes I hesitate in letting others realize how far in advance I sometimes plan field trips or vacations, but I didn't mind telling Maurice because #1 I knew he knew I was a planner and #2 I knew he had already mapped out a plan as to what courses he would take each semester over the next few years. Right now I have zero desire to do any advance planning. We had plans later this spring to meet up with Maurice when we were out his direction (ex. Valley Forge in May), and he already knew that we were planning to spend several days in Philadelphia next March during my spring break. At this point the idea of spending several days in Philadelphia without Maurice sounds painful, but it's a little less than a year from now so we shall wait and see.

The first two weeks after the awful call I got very little sleep. Thankfully I've been sleeping much more the past week. Getting enough sleep is a huge help. I was nauseous for about one solid week, but my stomach has been back to normal over the past week. My appetite has also returned. For awhile there after Maurice passed away, I had to force myself to eat to make sure I had at least 1,200 calories in a day as the smell of food just turned my stomach. Now I'm back to restraining myself to eating less than 1,400 calories a day. I've been dieting for 8.5 weeks and have lost 16 pounds so far. I feel very ambivalent about it in part because Maurice had been my biggest cheerleader with my diet, and also because well at this point the only thing that really brings pleasure are hugs from Paul and my kids. I used to feel so excited when I'd see the number going down on the scale. Hopefully eventually that will again bring a smile to my face. Right now I feel very ambivalent about just about everything. All that to say I feel much closer to normal physically but have a long way to go before I feel back to normal emotionally.

Interivew Postponed

 Several weeks ago I had accepted an invitation to interview in the morning on March 27. Following the passing of my brother, I was beginning to dread this interview. Yesterday I took Wendy and Paul's advice and asked if the interview could be rescheduled. Thankfully the search committee chair gave me several dates to pick from - the latest being April 24. This was a huge relief. I didn't feel emotionally ready to participate in an interview yet. Also, on Monday I checked the website and saw that if I come back in the fall I won't be teaching the assessment class I taught last semester and am teaching right now. Plus, the math classes will be from 8:00-10:45am like they were the past two fall semesters. The department chair had moved them to the afternoon last spring and this spring. I had requested they be in the afternoon in the fall. Prior to my brother's passing, this semester had been going a lot better than the last three semesters for a variety of reasons including less overload, fewer student teachers, not having class at 8:00am, and student teachers are

much closer to home. Last fall I had thought about only being 50% next school year, but earlier this spring I had told Paul I thought I could do one more year FT. One year of FT is worth more than 2 years of 50% because of things like the $6K they'd pay for Nadia and Ian's braces. When I saw the schedule I realized that if I was FT next spring I'd be leaving the house around 6:30am (which is not my preference) and would have ten student teachers - who most likely would be located farther from my home than my five are this semester. I did notice that no one has claimed the online math class this summer, which means most likely I will be asked to teach that. On Monday I felt like cancelling the interview and just staying at home next year, but I realize this is not the time to be making big decisions. So I am grateful I have at least a month to make that decision. I could participate in the interview to keep the option open and take even more time to decide as last year they didn't make an offer until the end of May. Part of me is hoping they don't make an offer until June because we will have a new Provost starting June 10, and if I'm returning next year I'd like to try *again* to be put back to

Associate Professor or at the very least Assistant Professor instead of Instructor.

Today I put some energy into trying to get the documentation I will need to file Maurice's taxes. I already had his W2 from Penn. Today I received one from the church in MD, and I made contact with UT Austin today regarding getting a reprint of his 2018 W-2. They said they had mailed it to Maryland, but it wasn't in the box that Yvonne mailed me of his mail that was at that house. On Sunday I uploaded some videos I had recorded over the past month. Over the next several posts I plan to include videos from skiing and such. The pictures in this post are from Saturday.

Splish Splash

Last Monday the kids had their first gymnastics class of 2019. Nadia and Ian's class is from 4:00-5:30, and Oliver's is from 4:30-5:30. In the fall Paul had been taking them to gymnastics on Tuesday nights, but I switched to Monday nights once basketball was over because their swimming lessons are at Bucknell University, which is less than 5 minutes from where they take gymnastics. Their swimming lessons are from 6:00-6:25. The members of the university's swimming team teach the individual lessons. Last year all three of the kids had male teachers. Nadia was thrilled that she was assigned a female teacher this year. Nadia and Ian have their lessons in the swimming lanes where it is 8 feet deep. Oliver was very proud of the fact he swam "backwards" (his words). He's the one I am hoping makes the most progress. The kids swim at Camp Susque, horseback riding camp, on vacation (Myrtle Beach this year), and at Aunt Janet's (indoor pool, outdoor pool, and beach). Nadia's instructor also worked with her on diving. I'll be taking the kids to gymnastics and swimming lessons every week of the session except for one. Paul will be taking them on April 8 as my math students are putting on a family math night at a public school that night.

Chemistry

The kids studied zoology for three semesters (August 2017 through January 2019), and this semester we've been studying human anatomy and physiology. Paul's three favorite school subjects are math, science, and history. His interests in history are rather diverse, but when it comes to science he definitely prefers chemistry and physics. Paul is thrilled to know the kids will be studying chemistry and physics in the fall. He's not so crazy about the fact I've planned botany for next spring. The Saturday Science program focuses on a different aspect of science each semester. It just so happens that this semester the focus is chemistry. I wanted to attend the programs that didn't conflict with our schedule as I thought it would be a good introduction to some of the topics we'll be covering in the fall. We attended the first session and missed the second due to basketball games. Today we attended the third session. The attendance varies, but there were by far more people at today's session than any we had attended previously. The newspaper covered the first session this semester, and the director thought that might be the reason the attendance spiked. The session always begins with asking the children to write down what they already know about the particular topic (chemical reactions was today's topic) as well as what they'd like to know. Then after the kids spend about 2 hours rotating between 5-6 stations, they ask the kids what they learned (KWL chart). Because I also planned to run a few errands and take them to make bath bombs at the Children's Museum, we only stayed for two hours today. The kids did five of the six stations. We didn't do the sixth because we hadn't brought a water sample from home. Making slime was the highlight. They also did acid/base indicator experiments, use a Geiger counter, inflated a balloon from the reaction between baking soda and vinegar, etc.

On the way home we spent about one hour at the Children's Museum. The kids made bath bombs and played for a bit in some of the exhibits. Earlier this week I saw that the museum is offering their first class for homeschoolers. Next month they are having a one hour session on coding for 3rd-5th graders which is free if you are a member (which we are). I signed Nadia and Ian up for that. I hope this is the start of more homeschool programming at this museum! It's much closer than the other Children's Museum that has offered homeschool programs for years. Also, one of Paul's former colleagues at Bucknell is teaching a five day chemistry camp (3 hours a day for 5 days) at the Children's Museum. It's not free, but it's reasonably priced. It's for ages 7-12. I signed the boys up because the week it's been held is when Nadia will be at Camp Susque. I thought it was the perfect time to do a chemistry camp - right before we study chemistry in science. It would have been wonderful if it didn't conflict with Camp Susque for Nadia, but at least the boys should be able to participate!

I was on the company's website which managed the apartment where Maurice had been living yesterday. I was trying to make sure I had everything cancelled so they didn't bill him rent for April. In doing so, I saw on that website he had me listed again as his emergency contact. What cracked me up was he had my age listed as 42. That must mean he thought his other sisters were still in their 30's as Wendy is my youngest sister and she's 42. Well if someone is going to make a mistake with my age, I'd rather them err on the side of taking 4 years off my age. I'll be turning 47 next month.

When my mom passed away it took awhile for me to realize I couldn't call her as I was used to calling her almost every day - and sometimes multiple times in a day. I had talked to my brother more recently over the last 3 years, but we still didn't talk anywhere near as often as I talked with mom. So getting used to not being able to call him probably won't be as difficult. There will positively be times when I will wish I could see him or talk to him and won't be able to do so. I got an email this week (I think it was from our electric company) that was about peregrine falcons, and I immediately thought of him because that was one of his most favorite animals. Ian is having an adjustment as he was used to saying "thank you for Mommy, Daddy, and Uncle Maurice" as part of his prayer at bed time. Last night he paused after saying Uncle. I slept really well on Thursday night. I was in bed for 11 hours that night. I didn't sleep the entire time, but I slept the vast majority of the time. Last night I slept for about 7 hours which was better than most nights over the past two weeks but still less than usual. My nausea seems to have gone away, for which I am grateful. I was nauseous for almost a week straight. As unbearable as terrible news may seem at first, I think we're more resilient than we think we are. We have two different members of our choir who alternate sharing a devotional during our choir rehearsals on Wednesday nights. The man who shared three days ago talked about how that very day he and his wife had gone to the doctor for a 20 week ultrasound for their second child. At that appointment they learned that their baby had previously passed away. She will be delivering a baby in three days although the little one has already gone to Heaven. There is so much grief here on earth. Although I have never gone through exactly what they are going through right now, I could relate to at least some degree the grief they are experiencing as I also have little ones who went to Heaven before I met them here on earth. I haven't watched Maurice's sermon yet. I'm not ready to hear his voice. I do want to watch this sermon at some point, but it would be too overwhelming emotionally at the moment. However, I thought I'd include it below in case any of you would like to hear a sermon he preached in the summer of 2012. I distinctly remember the day he visited me in the hospital during my pregnancy with Oliver before he left the US to go to Brazil. Unfortunately I was really out of it that day as they gave me some medicine that didn't sit well with me (I asked they make a note on my chart to NEVER give me that medication again). They didn't think I was up for visitors that day, but I told them my brother was going to Brazil and I wouldn't see him again for a year. They acquiesced and let him spend some time with me in my hospital room. As we drove home from Saturday Science today, we passed a Long Horn Steakhouse. Ian piped up - that's where we had dinner with Uncle Maurice in Philadelphia in November. I'm really glad I treated him to a steak dinner that night. I had no idea it would be the last time I'd see my brother face-to-face here on earth.

Goal Check-Up

It's officially spring! It felt like spring last week. I didn't dress for the weather on the day of Maurice's funeral. It was MUCH warmer that day than it had been lately. We had two days of warm weather (March 14-15) and then back to highs in the 40's. Yesterday was the first day of spring, but the weather forecast for today and tomorrow includes the possibility of snow. I can't wait until the spring weather is here to stay. The last two years March 20 was challenging for me emotionally because that was my mom's birthday. She would have turned 74 yesterday. I did think of her yesterday, and I absolutely still miss her, but my grief over losing my brother has for the last two weeks certainly been the main thing on my heart and mind. Realizing that it's March 21 makes it seem like April 1st will be here before we know, which will mean that we'll already have completed 1/4 of 2019. Nadia always disagrees with me when I state how quickly time flies, but let me tell you it definitely seems to fly by from my perspective. It seemed like a good time to look again at the goals for the year that I posted on January 1.

As for the house, this month we paid off the loan we used to pay off the mortgage last year. So that goal was achieved three months earlier than I hoped. I paid a big deposit on the new deck this month. Our last payment won't be due until the project is completed, which is supposed to be in mid May. So in less than two months we should have a new deck. No progress has been made thus far on the other eight "house" goals. Once my spring semester, I should have more time to start tackling those.

As for the fourteen goals I listed for Oliver, he did learn the books of the Old Testament. We listened to a song of them so many times that I was very relieved when his AWANA leader signed him off on saying all the books of the OT, as I was very weary of the song! He is making some progress on his table manners, eating breakfast in a timely manner, and his pronunciation of various words. Those goals are definitely still a work in progress. He sometimes regresses, but generally speaking he's also been doing a better with not making messes in the bathroom. We haven't started piano lessons or tried to teach him to ride a bike without training wheels, but he did learn how to ice skate this year! I haven't tried to teach him to tie his shoes yet because his tennis shoes have Velcro, but he has made amazing progress with reading and spelling and is registered to spend 3 nights at Camp Susque in June. His swimming lessons will start next Monday. He's made a little progress in math, but the light bulb hasn't gone off in that subject yet like it has with spelling and reading. Oliver has made great improvement with listening comprehension and with being quiet when we are listening to chapter books. It helps that he enjoys the Ramona and Henry books.

Ian and Nadia are working on their keyboarding skills usually at least four days a week. Ian is tying his shoes and is helping to clean the guinea pig cage once a week. Nadia participated in a science fair for the first time and has begun mopping the kitchen floor once a week. The rest of the goals for those two are still works in progress.

As for the goals for myself, I have lost 15 pounds. I had been exercising but it's been at least two weeks since I stepped on the elliptical, and until I begin to recover emotionally from the shock of losing my brother, I don't anticipate I'll be exercising any time soon. I also still need to drink more water, but at least I've cut back my caloric intake enough that I am losing an average of two pounds a week. All three kids participated in a wax museum event so that goal can be marked accomplished. I also have definitely been spending a lot more time working with Nadia and Ian on writing and grammar skills. The rest of the goals still need to be tackled.

This week life has partially returned to normal. The new normal that is life without a brother or a mother (here on earth). It was really hard to go back on Tuesday. I didn't feel ready to do so, but today it was much easier to go to work. Last night it hit me I hadn't made any progress on Maurice's stuff so before I went to bed I contacted his electric company to have the electricity turned off in his apartment tomorrow. Today I received word that the Medical Examiner did have his wallet and such, which was a relief as I was beginning to fear his credit cards had been stolen. I contacted the Penn library to let them know Maurice #1 wouldn't be picking up a book that had come in for him from another library and #2 wouldn't be returning a book that was overdue (I probably put it in the recycling bin when we cleaned out his apartment on March 9/10 - oops!). After Dad submits paperwork, the ME will mail Maurice's personal effects to Virginia, and then Dad can mail them to me in case he had more credit cards than the two I cancelled thus far. I have the modem boxed up and plan to drop that off at UPS on Saturday to return his cable modem to Xfinity in New Jersey. I figure if I keep doing a little bit each day then the list will eventually be complete. I also went to choir rehearsal last night. All three kids have had a cold (cough, runny nose), but thankfully Paul and I seem to have escaped the bug.

Considering we didn't end up using our tickets to see their Christmas production (a church down near Harrisburg), I was hesitant to buy tickets for the Easter production. Tonight I finally took the plunge. The downside of having waited so long is that there were barely any seats available, but I did find seven together off to the side of the auditorium.

Three hard weeks

Wendy mentioned the notion that if she had a time machine, she'd go back to March 1st and do everything in her power to make sure Maurice was seen at a hospital regarding the symptoms he had been experiencing. I feel the same way. I had told Maurice that night when we talked on the phone that I had the desire to go out there after he told me he had passed out. There are so many things I'd do differently had I known he would pass away on March 3rd. I would have accepted his offer to give us a tour of Penn Museum in November instead of visiting the Museum of the American Revolution. I thought we'd have many opportunities over the next several years for him to give us a tour, and we were studying the American Revolution in the fall. Maurice enjoyed the museum with us, but it would have been even more special to see the Penn museum with him. I talked to him for about an hour on March 1, but I would have talked for hours on end had I known it was going to be my last conversation with him. I would have sent him affirming texts on Sunday morning instead of telling him

about Ian's bout with a GI bug and Nadia's basketball game. We did give him positive feedback about his take home final exam that he shared with us that day. I would have pushed more strongly for him to come to our house at Christmas, and I would have accepted his offer to take a bus to see me in the middle of February even though I had a respiratory bug that I didn't want him to catch. I wish I had called Wendy on Tuesday instead of Wednesday to express my concern. On Tuesday I thought he's probably just dealing with the aftermath of having been under anesthesia for his endoscopy. I had no idea he didn't live long enough to have the endoscopy. I realize in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter what day his body was found. He was immediately in the presence of the Lord, but since that was his biggest fear, I wish I could have done something to reduce the amount of time his body lay there undiscovered. There are things I'm thankful for such as that the kids and I went out to see him in November, that we were in frequent communication via texting, FB messenger, email,

and phone calls, that I talked to him two days before he passed away, that Yvonne and I were the last ones chatting with him on FB messenger before he passed away, that the last words I said to him on March 1st were "I love you," and that I called Wendy on Wednesday night with my concern, as otherwise it might have been longer before he was discovered. I'm very thankful we had a close relationship and didn't have any unresolved conflict between the two of us.

The last few weeks have been very taxing on me emotionally. The last week of February I had a very unpleasant situation at work. Over my  years at BU I have had 23 classroom observations. The first 21 were very positive. Number 22 was not. He took issue with *everything* - didn't think debates should be used in class, didn't think second graders should be taught about the value of coins, thought I should have mentioned one theorist when I mentioned another, etc. Basically he has very strong opinions, and if your opinions are different - you are wrong. I

found out I was actually supposed to have been observed five times this academic year, but I was only observed twice. I pointed this out, and the compromise was to squeeze in one more observation. Number 23 went very smoothly on March 5. The two this semester were both by professors who had never observed me before. I realize I have far too thin of a skin, but the 22nd observation really upset me. Ironically, when I showed it to a colleague asking for his advice, he asked me if someone died. I had no idea that in the very near future someone I dearly loved was actually going to die. I wrote my rebuttal and included it in my binder. The colleague told me that three male professors in our department have in the past filed "hostile work environment" claims with HR in reference to the man who did my 22nd observation. I prefer less drama in my life not more drama, so I am not going that route although one colleague encouraged me to do so.

The third unpleasant thing  in the last three weeks was finding out that

someone had *again* gotten ahold of our Mastercard information and was racking up bunch of fraudulent charges. It happened almost exactly a year ago with the same credit card. Actually I had only been off the phone with the credit card company for a little bit on March 6 when the police called me with the devastating news. The good news is we aren't liable for the unauthorized charges. The new credit cards arrived on March 8, but given all I've been focused on since March 6 I haven't gotten around to making the change with the companies that automatically bill that credit card each month. This is by FAR the smallest "unpleasant hurdle" of the last three weeks. Nothing compares to losing my brother, but at a time when I'm also trying to deal with his finances it's not exactly the ideal time to deal with this as well.

My mom's birthday is in two days. My feeling of loss over her passing has been minimized a little now that Maurice is in Glory. I find comfort in the knowledge they are together, but I still miss her ever so much.

March is going to be a bit of an emotional landmine in the future between my brother passing away in March and my mother's birthday also being in March.

The shock and grief does not only affect one emotionally but also physically. I have lost a lot of sleep over the past 12 nights. I slept well on Thursday and Friday night, but then the past two nights I regressed back to the experience of sleeping well and then waking up at say 3:30am and not being able to go back to sleep. I am hoping and praying I get a solid amount of sleep tonight since I'm working tomorrow. Tuesdays are my long day at work. I don't get home until 8:15pm (or later). My senses feel like they are on overload. Sounds seem exaggerated and really easily cause pain in my head. I felt really nauseous on Thursday and Friday. My stomach felt better yesterday, but today I was again struggling with feeling queasy most of the day. I picked up pizza yesterday so I could still have a little more time off from cooking, and when I opened the pizza box the smell of pizza just about did me in. I had a constant headache for a few days, but thankfully that eased today. Even though Maurice's computer and such are sitting in my bedroom, I still find myself thinking - this can't possibly be true, can it? It's really hard to wrap my brain around. All three kids are sick. The boys only had a fever on Saturday. Now they're just coughing and dealing with runny noses. Nadia didn't have a fever. So far it seems I've escaped this bug, for which I am very, very grateful.

Debt Free

Yesterday I received my usual bi-weekly paycheck plus I also received payment for my 3 credits of overload from last semester and for 60% of one credit of overload this semester. Today I made the final payment on the loan I took out in January 2018 from my retirement account. I had used the loan to pay off the mortgage. That means in a few days (after the payment clears) I will be officially debt free for the first time since January 2001. I have used credit cards since I was a teenager, but I always pay my balance off in full every month. The first time I paid any interest was in 2001 when I purchased my first home eight months before Paul and I got married. Paul came into the marriage with school loans. We paid off the school loans in 2013 when he finished his doctorate. The interest I've been paying over the last year hasn't been to a bank but just to my retirement account, but my goal had been to pay that off ASAP just in case I go back to being a SAHM. I thought it would be a great feeling to finally be debt free again after paying interest for 18 years, but I am too numb from the passing of my brother to feel joy over being debt free. I spent a lot of money today because in addition to that payment I also paid our property taxes and mailed a check to pay for half of the deck. The payment was due April 1 as he plans to start working on the deck in early May. I also contacted Airbnb to see if I can get a refund for what we had paid for two nights in NYC.

As far as Maurice, today I packed up the modem he had been renting and printed a label to ship it back to Xfinity via UPS. I also cancelled his rental insurance policy. I am trying to pace myself and just get a little done each day. I worked at a frantic pace on his apartment last weekend and then with preparing the slide show, writing my eulogy, editing the obituary, etc. that I need to slow down. Ian and Oliver caught a respiratory bug; I was assuming it was the one the Towfighis have, but Yvonne said they didn't have a fever with theirs. As you can see from the first picture in this post, Oliver took a nap on the couch this afternoon, and he doesn't usually take naps. Ian came to the dinner table and said he didn't want to eat his chicken strips but just wanted to go to bed. Here's to hoping that Paul, Nadia, and I can escape this bug. My stomach is upset enough from dealing with the shock of losing my brother. Paul is taking Nadia to the Upward basketball awards ceremony tonight. I am staying home with the boys. 

On Sunday one of the things I had brought home from Maurice's apartment was his food. I threw away the opened box of rice and opened container of salt and the few things that were in the refrigerator, but I brought home a box of Crispix, some various Little Debbie snacks (oatmeal crème pies and such), and everything from the freezer. The kids don't like beef stew, which is what I made yesterday so they've been eating Uncle Maurice's chicken tenders. Nadia also has had two pieces thus far of the strawberry cheesecake that was in his freezer. There are also beef pot pies and a couple of other tv dinners from his apartment. Speaking of food, the people at Grace Baptist Church in Bowie were very generous once again. They stocked the Towfighis house with food - cereal, juice boxes, soda, oatmeal, bagels, cookies, fresh fruit, crackers, a hot meal for all of us on Tuesday night, $100 gift card to Chick-Fil-A, paper products, milk, bread, chips, peanut butter, jelly, lunch meat, a cherry pie (with my Dad's name on it), etc. Folks from the church also provided the pot luck meal served after the funeral on Thursday. They are very generous and thoughtful! It was nice not to need to cook while we were preparing for the funeral. Considering I was in Philadelphia on Saturday and Sunday and home alone on Monday night and in Maryland Tuesday through Thursday, the only cooking I've done in the past 8 days has been the beef stew I made in the crock pot yesterday morning. It's been nice to have one less thing to do. At some point I will need to get back to cooking, but I'll take as long of a break as I can.