One month

On Saturday it will be one month since his body was discovered, but yesterday it was one month since he passed away. We chatted both with text messages and FB messages, and I find it rather ironic that on March 1 at 2:26pm (before he reported how his doctor appointment went that day), I had sent a message about the doctor appointment and then said "I know you live alone, but I hope you don't feel alone. You are dearly loved!!! And I'm sure your professors would notice your absence if you didn't show up. It would not get to the 'smell' stage. I'm praying about your summer plans. Hugs and prayers!!!" His nightmare of his body not being discovered until it smelled didn't happen because Wendy and I were concerned and she called the campus police. His professors hadn't notice his absence because he passed away at the start of spring break. I miss him so much.  I realize that knowing the cause of his death won't change anything, but I really, really hope the autopsy report eventually gives us more information. We are assuming for now it was something related to his heart. They had told us it might take four months so that means just three more months to wait. Although a small part of my brain still refuses to believe this has really happened, I think in general my brain has accepted that this is reality and not "just" a nightmare. I think when I have heard of others talking about losing a family member in their 20's or 30's the three most common "causes" I have heard over the years have been from a car accident, suicide, or a drug overdose. A woman in our church lost her 37 year old brother a week after Maurice died due to a drug overdose. I think that is partially why it was so hard to accept it had really happened because I haven't heard many stories over the years of people in their thirties suddenly dying (out of the blue) due to an unknown medical condition. My brother never owned a car, and I'm guessing he hadn't driven a car for probably 2.5 years. He relied on public transportation or walking while he was in Texas and Philadelphia. And Maurice certainly didn't do illicit drugs or commit suicide. 

They sing Happy Birthday at our choir rehearsals. They purposefully sing badly in a million different keys. To be truthful I'm not a big fan as I find it painful to my ears, but I assume it's funny to most people. They sang to all the April birthdays yesterday, which includes me. I felt like crying as I kept thinking my brother isn't celebrating any more birthdays. Some years it has bothered me that I haven't done anything special for my birthday. I don't mean parties but just having lunch with a friend or something like that. I have to say this year I am totally in favor of ignoring my birthday. It's not because it bothers me that I am turning 47, but just because I am still grieving the loss of my brother and not in the mood to celebrate my birthday. I'm not saying I am not into birthdays in general. I have already been giving thought to Nadia and Oliver's birthdays this summer, but I really would prefer to ignore mine this year.




We sang two hymns at my mom's funeral plus there was other music (my kids sang, I played the flute, Wendy played the violin, etc.). The song that felt like "her" song from that service was "Great is Thy Faithfulness." The first few times I sang that song in church after her funeral, tears streamed down my face. Eventually I was able to sing the song without crying. There were four songs at Maurice's service. The slide show was during one song, and the nieces and nephews each laid a red carnation on his casket during another song. The first two songs in his service were not ones I knew. The third one (Not Home Yet) was one that I definitely knew, but we only listened to it during the slide show so I wasn't paying much attention to the song. The fourth one was "In Christ Alone," which is one of my most favorite songs. One part of the lyrics were particularly appropriate, "No guilt in life, no fear in death— This is the power of Christ in me; From life’s first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny.” This past Sunday morning I was standing with the choir on the risers on the platform. We stay on the platform for about 45 minutes of each service. We had sung our anthem. Then the congregation started singing "In Christ Alone" and I was hit with a tsunami of emotion. I started crying and decided I should exit to backstage. And then I was sobbing and this lead to hyperventilating and them summoning (by text message) a doctor and nurse to check me out (took my blood pressure and such). Oi vey. A woman in the choir had some Ativan in her purse, and the doctor asked her to give me 1/2 of a pill. I really don't think that was necessary, but they seemed pretty adamant so I accepted it. Paul was at work. Nadia and Ian were in the sanctuary by themselves. I asked someone from the choir to go sit with them. Oliver was with the 1st/2nd grade boys. After lying down a while in the pastor's wife's office, I came back and heard the sermon during the second service. Someone had offered to drive the kids and I home, but I felt like I could drive myself home. I hope eventually I will be able to sing that song without an adverse emotional reaction, as I do really love that song, but for now I will avoid it like the plague. Just like I know I am no where near ready to listen to any video that contains his voice. In time I will be ready, but not yet.




One of the things that upset me when my Mom passed away was the thought that kids (especially Oliver) might not remember her. I have some of the same concern regarding Uncle Maurice. Paul took Nadia roller skating tonight for the first time this year. She likes to go to the monthly skate night hosted by our local Christian radio station but her basketball practices interfered with the first three this year. I was reading picture books to the boys, and Ian brought me Bear's Loose Tooth by Karma Wilson, and he said, "this was one of Grandma's favorite books." She did like this series of books about Bear. I was really touched that he remembered this about her. In time I plan to make a photo book about Maurice just like I made of Mom after she passed. I'm not ready to do it yet, but it will be easy to do considering I already scanned a lot of pictures for his slide show.