Progesterone bump

I had been given the advice from other ivfers to have Paul massage the area after each injection to prevent the medication creating a "bump" that feels like a muscle knot, but he never massaged me this summer, and I never got a bump. Well I have two bumps already this time and the one on the right side is particularly large. Yesterday night he said some other fluid came out after the injection instead of the usual blood. So I felt around and found a huge lump. That also is where I am the most sensitive. So it hurt a LOT to have him massage it to try to get the medicine to spread out. Today he massaged after both injections so hopefully no new lumps will form and maybe the ones I have will get smaller. I can't bear to have the one on the right massaged too much at one time. The heating pad definitely helps at home on the couch.

I checked the USPS website and it doesn't say that the lawyer has received the package I mailed on Saturday. I am surprised because I paid extra for it to go "Priority" so I thought it would be there by today. I am going to check again tomorrow, and if it doesn't arrive tomorrow then I might need Paul to go to the Post Office and send it overnight mail or something which will be costly plus I had sent 5x7 photos this time, and I don't have any extras of those. Hopefully it will arrive there tomorrow. I am going to email the lawyer's office in case it got there by USPS hasn't updated the website for some reason (I paid for delivery confirmation).

Well tomorrow is THE day. Thank you all for your encouragement and support and prayers. Tomorrow I'll be PUPO hopefully (presuming the embyro makes it to transfer). It's about time since I'm already 5dpo today, LOL. I'll post tomorrow when I get back from the RE's which will probably be about 3:30pm. This summer I was there 3 hours for the transfer, and my appt is at noon (transfer at 1pm). I am definitely going to WAIT much longer to start filling my bladder this time. Definitely a lesson I learned in August! I plan to talk to and pray for our little one once he/she is transferred back as I figure those 11 days might be the only time I am able to do that. I want to savor every moment of being PUPO in case I never get a BFP.

Heating pad

I do use ice before and after the injection. The injection itself doesn't hurt that much at all as far as when it's happening especially if I am lying down when Paul gives it to me although I do bleed a fair amount after most of them. It's just my butt hurts 24 hours a day now. I'm always aware of it (which is a weird thing as usually I am not aware of or thinking about that part of my body). It just feels very sore and tender. Like maybe someone has used me as a punching bag or like I pulled a muscle or something. It's hard to describe. Anyhow I am thankful that the chair in my office at work does not bother me, and I am fairly comfortable on our living room couch especially when I have a heating pad turned on under me. Certain chairs hurt worse than others. Metal folding chairs are definitely torture devices. A friend of mine went with me last night to a Broadway show being performed at my university, and although I usually find those seats very comfortable (padded) it was almost unbearable. I stood the whole intermission and contemplated standing the whole performance as I was in a lot of pain. Driving hurts a lot too. I am concerned about the trip to Chicago a week from today - first we drive to Baltimore to get to the airport (about 2 1/2 hours w/o traffic) and then fly to Chicago. Not sure what I'll think of sitting on the airplane. I guess I'll find out soon enough!

Hurts to sit

I am still overwhelmed with how many are praying on behalf of our little frozen embryo. The pastor's wife's mother passed away last night so the funeral will be Thursday at 11:00 which was when the ladies planned to gather to pray. Some (who didn't know her) are still going to gather then, but others are gathering tomorrow night at 8pm. Various ones in the handbell choir and also the senior choir have said they will be praying (wherever they are) on Thursday at that time. It's very touching and so very much appreciated. I have to admit I am a little scared at how many people know about this FET (more than new about the IVF this summer) as I am fearful of what they might say afterward if it doesn't work or being asked more times if it worked or not, etc. But I was worried about this summer and actually had very few "annoying" comments so hopefully my fears are unwarranted. I've told only a very few at work. One colleague who does know asked if I had told my students - definitely not! I just told them I was having a small surgery on Thursday (telling them why I wouldn't be in class on Friday). I guess surgery probably isn't the right word to use but I wasn't sure how to describe it without actually saying what it was and no one asked any questions.

My hips hurt so very much. I am really struggling with the notion of doing all this again if this FET doesn't work, but I just need to live in today. God hasn't given me the grace I need for that (yet). I know I shouldn't worry about tomorrow... I stood during Bible study this morning. It's too painful to sit on a metal folding chair. I am in pain pretty much all day. Thankfully it hasn't interrupted my sleep yet although when I first laid down last night it was hard to find a position that wasn't painful. Today will be my first day of having 3 intramuscular injections. I had 2 this morning and will have another this evening. Even with the fresh ivf this summer I never had more than one IM injection on any given day and I was in a lot of pain after several days of those and the pain level increased over time so I am struggling not to be fearful of how much the pain is going to increase when I have 16 a week knowing how much discomfort I was in having 7 a week in August. But I try to focus on the little baby that's at the hospital now and think okay I can do this for my little one.

A friend offered to pay for me to have a massage before the transfer which was SO generous, but her massage therapist only had an opening at 8:45am and then we'd have almost 2 hours of time to kill. Plus this therapist is over 45 minutes from our house and we didn't think rushing out the door prior to 8am when we don't need to be at the hospital til noon would make for a relaxing morning. I tried a few other massage therapists today but no one had an opening around the time I was looking for (either say 8:30am or noon or 3:30 pm or something like that). Well we are saving $50 by me not having a massage. I'll just try to be as relaxed as possible (although I definitely was far more physically relaxed than normal after the massage on August 4 before the 3dt). 47 hours from now hopefully our little one will be nestled inside of me. One of my friends who is going to do IVF for the first time in January (she's also been with Lifetime for almost 3 years without any possible matches) said her RE says to do 3 days of bedrest and to not get up for food or shower or anything - only to go to the bathroom. So that's what I'm going to do this time. I plan to stay on the couch from Thursday afternoon til Monday at 6am! If being inactive will help, I will definitely give that a whirl!

2,000th day

Well today is our 2,000th day of ttc. It's been a long journey so far. Especially since I have looked forward to the day I would become a mom for more than 20 years. I stopped babysitting around age 18 because it was too hard for me emotionally. When I held a baby in my arms, every fiber of my being would be longing for the day I'd have my own baby in my arms. Well that was about 18 years ago and the dream is yet unfulfilled. During these 2,000 days my 2 younger sisters have had 5 children. Of course I absolutely love them to pieces. I am sure I would have loved them a LOT whether or not I had any children, but I think my feelings toward them are a little different since I don't have any children. When teaching I'm sure I'd use my own kids as the examples/anecdotes I share instead of always using my nieces and nephews. I'd have my own child's photo on my mousepad at work instead of my sweet niece's. Many students and faculty comment and say something like "you have such a cute daughter," and I then let them know she's one of my nieces. They're the closest things I have to children right now. Maybe I should have a Steeler mousepad instead, no one will think I'm say Willie Parker, Hines Ward, or Ben Rothlisberger's mother, LOL! Although actually a couple of weeks ago a couple of students (ages 20-21) said to me they'd like to think of me as their mother. Wow did that make me feel old!

Anyhow hopefully the count of days ttc will come to an end soon. Part of me hates to say something like "hopefully 2008 will be our year" because I said that about 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, and 2007 and so far it didn't come true (unless "Ann" picks us next week!!!). So part of me tries not think "surely before you turn 36" or "surely before another Mother's Day rolls around," as I know how painful it is to reach that next milestone without having become a mom yet. On the other hand, it's really hard to say - well it might not happen for 2 more years or something like that. It's hard to think that far down the road when the journey has already been so long. So I guess I will just keep setting myself up for disappointment as it feels better to have hope that it will happen next year than to just assume say 2009 is the earliest it might happen.

One thought I have had about "Ann" is what if the FET doesn't work but Ann does pick us. Will we still do IVF #2 in Chicago in Dec/Jan? I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I doubt adopting one baby will diminish Paul's desire for me to do IVF again. I had planned to try to nurse an adopted baby, and I bought a high quality pump (hundreds of dollars), herbs, and a supplementer back in 2005 to that end. I had planned to start pumping as soon as we had a match, but if Ann happens to pick us I won't do anything until the Beta as I sure wouldn't want to mess up the FET in any way by trying to get my body to lactate. If she picks us and the Beta is BFN then I'd start pumping and such at that point. If she picks us and the Beta is BFP then I think I'll just forget about my desire to nurse an adopted baby and just bottle feed and wait til I gave birth to nurse.

I really hope BOTH situations don't turn out negative next week. But I know they easily could as the FET has at best a 25% chance at best to work, and we've been shown over 200 times and not picked the past almost 3 years. It's just going to be a tough double whammy. I hope ONE of these turns out as a YES. Of course our first choice would be to get a BFP, but honestly I will be thrilled even if we get a BFN if Ann picks us. And the best of ALL would be to get a BFP and be picked! That would be amazing!!! It's going to be tough though if we get a BFN and don't get picked. Not fun at all. Well in about 7-8 days we'll know if Ann picked us or not, and in 13 days we'll know if our little embryo implanted. So at least we won't be in suspense for too much longer.

In the mail

I mailed our packet to FL yesterday. I paid for delivery confirmation and sent it priority just to be sure it would get there in time. Pray that I don't get my hopes up too much. The thought of possibly becoming a mommy next month is truly wonderful...

My hips are definitely getting sore now. Every time I sit down (just starting today) I feel sore. The worst was during choir practice at 8am this morning on a metal folding chair. OUCH! Unfortunately, I know the pain level is going to increase as this is just from 1x a day and it will be 2x a day starting tomorrow. Only 4 more days til I'm PUPO again!!! (presuming the embryo makes it through the thawing process)

PIO begins

Well I'm officially "1dpo" which means I'm in the infamous 2ww. Seems funny to say that since the last time I ovulated was June 9. I started the bcp on June 23 and have had my system "shut down" through Lupron shots and such since then. Anyhow our little embryo was conceived on Aug 1 and frozen on Aug 7 so that means FET day is = 6dpo and the FET is only in 5 days. Wow. It seemed so far away for so many weeks but now it's just around the corner. Since I'm in dpo land it means time to get the P4 going up, up, up so I start the PIO injections today. Hopefully the tricks the nurse told me yesterday will help make it less painful. I only have one shot today and tomorrow but starting Monday it's two a day for hopefully the next oh 10 weeks or so. I am posting a picture of the syringes I was given 2 weeks ago. The box holds 50 IM needles all nicely packed in there, but I needed more than 50 so there were others in the big bag that I just set on top of the ones in the box. That's a LOT of needles!!! I hope I need to use them all (only will if I get a BFP). Today will be my 34th shot so if we lost this little baby then I'm about 1/2 way done wth my shots as I'll have about 70 total in that scenario. If this little one hangs on tight I think I'll have about 200 shots total this FET cycle (compared to 59 this summer with the fresh IVF).

July

If the triplets had made it in August, they would have been due 3 days after my 36th bday in April. So I find it a little ironic that if this last little one makes it, my EDD will be July 18. This FET date was based on the REs schedule not my own or I would have had the transfer a week ago. Anyhow July 17 is the bday of 4 people I know - my friend Clark, my sister Wendy, my cousin Brent (dad's side of the family), and my uncle Dick (mom's side of the family). Of course they were all born in different years (although three of those four people are in their 30's), but our baby could possibly share a bday with other relatives.

Paul had the reaction I expected. He was concerned about the $3K birthmother expenses, the idea of applying prior to finding out if I am pg, and the 5% chance that the birthfather is AA. I know my hubby pretty well, LOL! But he said I can apply. I really like the fact she's due in one month as it means she'll have to pick quickly an also not a long time to be in suspense as to whether she'll change her mind plus it means we might become parents in one month! So as Lucia said, I want to apply and leave it in God's hands. Applying by no means guarantees we'll be picked. It does mean though I'll be in two "2wws" at once since she'll be getting the packets four days after our transfer. I don't know if that's good or bad. On the one hand it will definitely soften the blow if one of those is a "no" if the other turns out to be a "yes," but then if both are negative that might be a double whammy emotionally. Oh well, it does feel exciting to be presented by him again. I have no idea how steep the competition will be this time. We've applied with him twice before - once less than 10 applied and the second time more than 20 applied. We have been presented many times through Cathy and Lifetime, but in those instances we don't know about it. The upside of that is the sting of rejection is not as strong and it's not an emotional rollercoaster, but the downside is I don't have those moments of feeling excited like maybe THIS will be our child's birthmother like I do when we apply through Mark. So anyhow "Ann" has been added to my prayer list in terms of God guiding her in the selection of adoptive parents for her baby boy.

Ovulation day!

Well today is the equivelant of ovulation day or egg retrieval day or conception day whatever you want to call it. Tomorrow the 2ww begins although since I'll be in Chicago the wait will be longer than two weeks (16 days til hpt and 17 days til Beta). The EV injection really hurt today. I've already started bleeding every time I have an IM injection. I talked to a nurse about it today (at work - most of the professors on the hall where my office is are nursing profs who were Nurse Practicioners and then most got their PhDs after that although the one I talked to today doesn't have a PhD). Anyhow my colleague at work gave me some good tips so that hopefully it won't hurt as much although the bleeding just depends on what he hits. Tomorrow I start the PIO. My hips will soon become a pin cushion. OUCH!

E2 results

My E2 went from 184 on Monday to 533 today. Dr. Awad wants me to keep my dosage the same (4mg on Tuesdays and Fridays). Tomorrow is my last Lupron shot, and Saturday I start the PIO injections.

My small group at church asked for specifics they could pray for on Nov 1, I thought I'd share them here as well.

1. For the embryologist as she prepares our embryo for transfer. The thawing process only takes 1-2 minutes, but the critical part is the dilution of the cryoprotectant fluid to return the embryo to its favored culture medium. I am praying for as little cryodamage as possible. Some embryos do not survive the thawing process and the transfer does not even take place. I am praying for this little one to sustain as little cryoinjury as possible.

2. For Dr. Awad as he performs the transfer - for accurate placement of the embryo in my uterus.

3. For the embryo to be able to hatch through the zona pellucida (outer shell) soon after transfer since we aren't doing assisted hatching.

4. For our little one to implant into my uterus and hang on tight for about 8 1/2 months!

Lining is thick enough

Well I had my b/w and u/s this morning. The b/w was a bit traumatic. I gave her my left arm like I always do and she stabbed me and said there wasn't any blood coming out and she wiggled and jiggled the needle around but nothing came. She said I had been using that arm too much lately. Well in the past I've had blood drawn from that arm two days in a row and often times every other day without any problems, and in the past 10 days I've only had blood drawn 3 times including today (last was Monday) so that doesn't make sense to me. She said something like you should have offered me your other arm. I almost started crying. I know it's ridiculous, but the strangest things make me feel like crying these days. In Bible study on Tuesday ALL the women were crying except me, but here with the phlebotomist I almost lost it. I don't like this phlebotomist as much as the one who used to work there. She usually bruises me. Well anyhow the good news is that she was able to get blood from my right arm (the one that's usually uncooperative) so we didn't have to resort to my hand (which I find rather painful). I won't need blood drawn again until the Beta on 11/12. The nurse will call me this afternoon to tell me whether my EV dosage is being increased or decreased based upon what my E2 was at today.

Then I had my u/s. A woman from Michigan began doing her fellowship with Dr. Awad in July. Back then she just watched when someone else did the u/s. Today she did it herself, but Dr. Awad was standing there guiding her and talking with her about it. She's really nice and has great bedside manners. I remember as a child noticing that about the residents, interns, and fellows at the Children's Hospital in DC. They were always much more gentle when examining my ear than an ENT who had been practicing many years. I remember once as a child encouraging one of them to try to stay gentle even after he had been practicing for many years. Anyhow my lining is 8.6mm today. That's thick enough (needs to be at least 7mm and 8-13mm is usually considered ideal). My lining normally at this stage is usually 10mm, but of course in inj/iui cycles or even the ivf in July my E2 is usually up around 3,000 so it makes sense my lining is thicker then. It will probably thicken up some more prior to the transfer as I'm still on EV injections. Anyhow all systems are "go" for the transfer one week from today. I am very relieved as the nurse had said before well we can always push it back one week and I thought - that won't be good as I'll be in Chicago the next week. I am thankful the transfer will be November 1 as scheduled. I'll post later once the nurse calls me about my E2 levels.

Every time I think about someone being willing to be a surrogate for me, I am just blown away. Then two women shared with me this week that they also received offers of surrogacy (one woman by her daughter's birthmother). So I guess it's more common than I realized. It still amazes me that someone would be willing to do this. I don't think I could carry a baby for 9 months even if I knew that baby wasn't genetically mine and then give that baby back to his/her biological parents. So I am utterly amazed that this woman at church would be willing to do this for me. When I mentioned it to Paul, he was not at ALL wanting to consider it. And it's not something I want to consider either. It's too expensive for one thing. But I am overwhelmed that someone would be willing to do this for me.