2,000th day

Well today is our 2,000th day of ttc. It's been a long journey so far. Especially since I have looked forward to the day I would become a mom for more than 20 years. I stopped babysitting around age 18 because it was too hard for me emotionally. When I held a baby in my arms, every fiber of my being would be longing for the day I'd have my own baby in my arms. Well that was about 18 years ago and the dream is yet unfulfilled. During these 2,000 days my 2 younger sisters have had 5 children. Of course I absolutely love them to pieces. I am sure I would have loved them a LOT whether or not I had any children, but I think my feelings toward them are a little different since I don't have any children. When teaching I'm sure I'd use my own kids as the examples/anecdotes I share instead of always using my nieces and nephews. I'd have my own child's photo on my mousepad at work instead of my sweet niece's. Many students and faculty comment and say something like "you have such a cute daughter," and I then let them know she's one of my nieces. They're the closest things I have to children right now. Maybe I should have a Steeler mousepad instead, no one will think I'm say Willie Parker, Hines Ward, or Ben Rothlisberger's mother, LOL! Although actually a couple of weeks ago a couple of students (ages 20-21) said to me they'd like to think of me as their mother. Wow did that make me feel old!

Anyhow hopefully the count of days ttc will come to an end soon. Part of me hates to say something like "hopefully 2008 will be our year" because I said that about 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, and 2007 and so far it didn't come true (unless "Ann" picks us next week!!!). So part of me tries not think "surely before you turn 36" or "surely before another Mother's Day rolls around," as I know how painful it is to reach that next milestone without having become a mom yet. On the other hand, it's really hard to say - well it might not happen for 2 more years or something like that. It's hard to think that far down the road when the journey has already been so long. So I guess I will just keep setting myself up for disappointment as it feels better to have hope that it will happen next year than to just assume say 2009 is the earliest it might happen.

One thought I have had about "Ann" is what if the FET doesn't work but Ann does pick us. Will we still do IVF #2 in Chicago in Dec/Jan? I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I doubt adopting one baby will diminish Paul's desire for me to do IVF again. I had planned to try to nurse an adopted baby, and I bought a high quality pump (hundreds of dollars), herbs, and a supplementer back in 2005 to that end. I had planned to start pumping as soon as we had a match, but if Ann happens to pick us I won't do anything until the Beta as I sure wouldn't want to mess up the FET in any way by trying to get my body to lactate. If she picks us and the Beta is BFN then I'd start pumping and such at that point. If she picks us and the Beta is BFP then I think I'll just forget about my desire to nurse an adopted baby and just bottle feed and wait til I gave birth to nurse.

I really hope BOTH situations don't turn out negative next week. But I know they easily could as the FET has at best a 25% chance at best to work, and we've been shown over 200 times and not picked the past almost 3 years. It's just going to be a tough double whammy. I hope ONE of these turns out as a YES. Of course our first choice would be to get a BFP, but honestly I will be thrilled even if we get a BFN if Ann picks us. And the best of ALL would be to get a BFP and be picked! That would be amazing!!! It's going to be tough though if we get a BFN and don't get picked. Not fun at all. Well in about 7-8 days we'll know if Ann picked us or not, and in 13 days we'll know if our little embryo implanted. So at least we won't be in suspense for too much longer.