Exhausted Mom

Well unfortunately the fact that Nadia slept pretty much all of the time she wasn't eating from 8am to 4pm didn't help me get any sleep since most of that time I was at work and then my dept chair said he'd call me at 3:30pm so I stayed awake for his call (and he never called). She had slept easily in the pack n play in my office, but when I tried to put her down in her crib at home after nursing her to sleep she only lasted a few minutes before she woke up. So the bottom line is I didn't get a nap.

I tried to put her to bed early, but that didn't work even though she had been yawning for hours so I knew she was tired. We went back to our usual routine of it taking literally hours to get her down. She finally cried herself to sleep at 9pm (I have started letting her cry again but never more than 15 minutes). She slept 3 hours. I nursed her from midnight to 12:30, and she went down easily which was a relief. However she woke up 90 minutes later and was then up for over 2 hours. When I started nursing her at 2am I was so tired I felt like I was going to throw up. I closed my eyes to see if that would help, but it didn't. I called to Paul and asked him to bring me a trash can in case I threw up while nursing. This is normal for me in years past when I am really super, duper exhausted I feel like I am going to throw up (and actually have upon occasion). Of course there are other symptoms that come up first (headache which gets progressively worse for one) and usually I go to bed before I get to the really nauseous stage. With a baby her needs come first so my need for sleep had to be ignored. What finally worked (after 4am) was I was nursing her lying down in bed and she fell asleep in our bed and that's where she is still (she did wake up since then and I nursed her again in bed). I'm up because the plumber is here. He called at 7am and asked me to go down to the basement and check on something and then he arrived about 7:45am.

I was trying to figure out why I seemed to be more tired last night than any night the previous 9 weeks. There were other weeks when I got less sleep. I think the answer is it's the combination of going back to work and caring for a newborn and packing our house to move. Even before I became a mommy I was always tired the first week of school; it's an adjustment getting back into that routine especially when I'm teaching at 8am (last semester I taught in the afternoons not mornings). Now this semester I'm getting up even earlier than I used to when I taught at 8:00am before (5:30am) because getting for ready for work includes nursing Nadia. Most of the summer I've been getting up between 7-8am which is later than usual for me but has enabled me to compensate a little for all the hours I am up during the middle of the night. So I think that's another reason I am exhausted. Well thankfully Monday is Labor Day so next week will be a little shorter of a work week. I haven't gotten any naps this week; hopefully I can get one today.

Last night I kept thinking how badly I wish I was a SAHM and also not moving. I feel like I can't do either job as well as I'd like to. I don't have as much time or energy to give either Nadia or my job when I am juggling both. I was wishing Paul had a job around here, and I could just stay home with Nadia and not need to pack up the house in the next few weeks. I guess thinking like that won't do me any good, eh? Reality is Paul will be a FT student for the next 4-5 years just like he has been since January 2006, and we have to move as his commute is too long (and expensive in terms of gas $$) right now. Hopefully juggling everything will become more manageable for me once we move and Nadia starts sleeping through the night. Many have told me that 12 weeks is the time when their child slept through the night. That's just 3 weeks away and boy would I love that, but I know it might not happen since Nadia is small for her age due to being premature. Dr. M said we have to add about 4 weeks to all the "norms" of when certain behaviors are expected since that's about how early she came.

I have her in an outfit today that she's never worn before. I was looking through her 0-3 month clothing and several outfits are sleeveless. It's already too cool for those. Prior to her birth I had washed all the 0-3 month clothing (hadn't washed anything larger than that) as I thought that's what she'd be wearing this summer. I feel badly as most of it will never be worn by her. The 3 sleepers will come in handy but most everything else is too summery. I'll hold onto it just in case we have another girl some day, or maybe they'd make good doll clothes for her dolls (not that she has any dolls yet but some day she'll have her first doll that's for sure!) or I'll find someone to give them to. I need to buy her some clothing for the fall/winter.

I'd appreciate prayers that I get some sleep today and/or a better night's sleep tonight and also that Nadia will have a good day in my office and classroom tomorrow. She was good as gold yesterday but that was due to the shots so it doesn't really count. I don't want to have to put her in daycare or something like that, but my plan of bringing her to work will only work if she's pretty quiet. I can't have her screaming for so long like she did while I was teaching on Monday.