Unexpected Tears

The church service yesterday was really nice. It was 1.75 hours long, but that was because of all the wonderful music. They kept the announcements super short. I wish that was the norm. Anyhow a men's quartet sang "Then came the morning" (great song!), a 7 year old sang a solo, the choir sang 3 songs (one with trumpet), and the children's choir sang one song. Plus of course there was a sermon, congregational singing, communion, etc. I sang with the choir for 2 of the songs. Tears streamed down my face during the last one. I love the song and was very moved by it. They were happy tears, but still it caught me off guard. Over the past 2 years I've noticed I cry in response to music FAR more easily. I have chalked it up to hormones in the past, but now I am wondering if that is still the case? You'd think my hormones would have leveled out by now since Ian is almost 4 months old. I was smiling while I was singing so I think if anyone saw the tears they would have realized they were happy ones.

The tears that have surprised me the most the past few months though have been over the first baby we lost in 2005. He or she would have turned 4 in February (if that child had been born on his/her due date). I don't recall this happening after having Nadia. I have no idea why, but many times I keep thinking of that child and crying over the loss. I look at my children and wonder what features that baby would have had in common with Ian and Nadia. Did he/she have blue eyes like they both do? Would that child have had brown hair like Ian or blonde like Nadia? (etc.) I feel badly referring to my pregnancy with Ian as my second pregnancy. The doctors always referred to it as my third, yet most of the time I think of Ian's as my second even though when I stop and think about it I consider it to be my fourth. The doctors definitely acknowledged the first pregnancy (2005), but they wouldn't call the fresh transfer (August 2007) to be a pregnancy. Yet if we had conceived the normal way, and I had gotten an early ++ hpt and then not been "late," they would call that an early miscarriage (some call it a chemical pregnancy, which means it was never verified by ultrasound). So to me when you have an ivf transfer and lose all the babies, that's another early miscarriage. You DID have babies growing inside you for a short time. Of course many couples probably never even know of these babies that they lost in these early stages. I think that's what is different with ivf. You definitely know. I have an ultrasound showing the three moving within me during that transfer. So actually I know of 6 babies who were alive within my womb at one time but I never met (1 in 2005, 3 in 2007, and 2 in 2009).

The one I grieve for the most though is the one that the doctors gave me an EDD for. The one that resulted in me seeing a postive hpt for the first time after ttc for 3 years. I keep feeling badly when I refer to Nadia as my oldest child. I have a four year old child in heaven. Nadia isn't my oldest, but she is my oldest child here on earth. I still have no idea though why these thoughts and emotions have come up so much lately. I also feel guilty when they do as if somehow grieving these losses means I am not appreciating Ian and Nadia. I am extremely grateful for them! Yesterday was one of those moments when the tears fell in remembrance of our first child. Thankfully it happened while I was nursing Ian in private at church. I was reading the bulletin and some of the Easter flowers were in honor of a couple in the choir "for their first child." It was their way of announcing they are expecting a  baby in November. This will be the pastor's first grandchild so he proudly showed the ultrasound pic during the morning service on the large screen. When I read their happy news the very first thought that popped into my head was that I never got to meet my first child, and then of course I felt badly for having a sad response to their happy news. I know some of you who read my blog have also had miscarriages. Have any of you had a similar experience? Since I am not understanding why I am having all these thoughts lately I just wondered if anyone else had gone through the same thing. Maybe it's because after having Nadia I knew we'd be doing ivf again but I know we won't be doing it again after having Ian? Maybe it's because with Nadia only one embryo was transferred so there was no loss involved in her transfer whereas with Ian we transferred three?

I was expecting to shed some tears over my decision to start supplementing, but I haven't thus far. Please pray that I can handle this emotionally. One thing that helped was once today when Ian cried when I gave him a bottle and then smiled when instead offered to nurse him. That made my day! It is still my goal to nurse him for at least one year. I am hoping and praying he won't get to the point that he refuses to nurse and only wants bottles. Nadia was about 5.5 months old when she started to prefer the bottle, and she weaned herself off of me shortly before she turned 7 months old. One thing I am doing to try to deter that with Ian is that I'm giving him his formula cold. I hope the warmth of my milk appeals to him. I decided to start supplementing because he's no longer even gaining 1/2 ounce a day. As of yesterday in seven days he had gained only 1.5 ounces. He was supposed to hit 9lbs on Friday if he was gaining 1/2 ounce a day, but as of yesterday he still was less than 9lbs. He did gain 1/2 ounce yesterday so in the last 8 days he gained 2 ounces. Not Good. Hopefully he'll hit 9lbs tomorrow. I know my milk is better for him than formula, but it's more important that he continues to grow and isn't hungry. I am giving him a special formula that's for premature/low birth weight babies that has more calories than "regular" formula. Thanks to Regina, I got a free case of it. The only instance in which I'll regret my decision is if he doesn't start gaining weight faster. Please pray he starts gaining weight!!! I have no idea what exactly has caused this problem - his spitting up, the fact he was premature, the shield, the retained placenta, etc., but I hope this proves to be the right decision.

The kids made out like bandits yesterday! I was feeling a little guilty for not buying them anything for Easter aside from the VeggieTale egg decorations for Nadia, but next year I think I'll get Nadia a chocolate bunny or something like that. The kids got TONS of stuff though! Yesterday before leaving for Paul's parents I saw that there were two large bunnies (the first and fourth one in the third picture) on our front porch. I guessed they were from our neighbors (who babysit the kids), and I was right. How sweet!! Ian is pictured above next to his bunny. Then they got a lot more stuff from Paul's family as Paul's brother and sister-in-law gave them the bunny and lamb (second and third stuffed animals in the third picture) with a bunch of goodies in the baskets attached to the stuffed animals. Nadia has had a blast playing with the tupperware dishes, glasses, and cake serving pan that were included in her bunny from Aunt Millie & Uncle Al. I had never seen anything like that before! She also has enjoyed the sunglasses and sidewalk chalk that were in her basket from Grandma and PopPop. It was cool out this morning, but it's supposed to be warm again the next few days. The high on Wednesday is supposed to be 86 degrees! I am thinking of asking Gabby (neighbor) to watch the kids for an hour or two when she gets home from school on Wednesday so that I can put the mulch on the flower bed and under our trees. We bought 2 scoops, and it's sitting in a pile on our driveway right now. I also need to finish mowing the lawn as I only mowed a small section on Saturday. I can't really do those things while watching a toddler and infant.

Ian slept all the way to their house yesterday which was impressive considering he had also slept through the last part of the church service. That was a long nap for him! Nadia slept for one hour of the trip on the way down. On the way back Ian screamed for about 15 minutes and then slept for 45 minutes. Nadia was awake for the first half and then slept the last 25 minutes. Paul's mom made a delicious meal. We took some ham home so I am still enjoying that meal! I was hoping to get some good pics of the kids together and possibly also with me yesterday, but that didn't happen since Nadia slept in so long. There wasn't time for pictures. As it was we were a bit late to Sunday School, but the nursery worker was even later so it didn't matter that we were late. I loved Nadia's dress and she also was wearing a pink hat, white tights, and her sparkly pink shoes. I am thinking I'll have her wear that outfit for her 2 year pictures at Sears so I will eventually hopefully get a good picture of her in it! She was the only one wearing a new outfit. Ian was wearing a suit he wore once before, and I am waiting until I lose more weight before I buy a new skirt or dress. I think Ian looked very handsome. He matched me perfectly when I was in my choir robe as my robe and his outfit were the same colors.

Ian had another great night last night! His first stretch was 8.25 hours long and his second was 1.25 hours long. I can definitely get a good night's sleep if he sleeps a total of 9.5 hours. He was asleep by 8pm so I am not sure if I'll be nursing him before he goes to bed tonight. I might be pumping again once I get home. I am going to try to pump twice at school today if possible since I'll be there a little longer than usual due to a training session I am attending from 2-3pm on the new learning management system our university will be using starting in the middle of May. Now if I could get him to take naps longer than 30-40 minutes that would be great. His two naps put together today were less than one hour total. It's hard to do much with Nadia and/or get much cooking, cleaning, etc. done if his naps are that short. I was half-way through making macaroni and cheese when he woke up from his first nap this morning. We'll keep working on that, Ian.