First Mother's Day in Heaven

My mom had her first Mother's Day exactly 45 years ago on May 14, 1972; I was just a little over three weeks old. As a child I remember enjoying celebrating my parents on Mother's Day and Father's Day each year. Then in my twenties, the holiday became painful for me. I still enjoyed honoring my mom, but I had already longed for the day I would be a mom for years, and it felt like that day might never come as the years passed and I hadn't even had a boyfriend. I got married at the age of 29, and it didn't take long to figure out that becoming parents wasn't going to be easy for us. As we battled infertility and hit roadblocks with domestic and international adoption efforts, Mother's Day became incredibly painful for me. I was still extremely grateful for my mom and would call her and buy her a Mother's Day gift, but I wanted to skip the holiday. I often didn't go to church on Mother's Day because I knew I would just become a weepy mess. Technically I have been a mom since 2005 as I experienced my first (ectopic) pregnancy that year, but it wasn't until 2008 that I really felt like a mom.

My mom and Nadia in the NICU - June 2008

Mother's Day 2008 was a very happy day for me as Nadia was kicking me within my womb. I was so very grateful that the Lord had enabled me at the age of 36 to experience that moment I had longed for since I was a teenager - of holding my own baby in my arms. Nadia means "hope" and Renee (my middle name and also her middle name) means "reborn." Mother's Day 2007 was the hardest of them all as I really was losing hope of ever becoming a mom through giving birth or adoption, but my hope was reborn during Nadia's pregnancy. Although my arms have been full the past almost nine years, I have to admit Mother's Day has still been a bit bittersweet for me because every year I can't help but think of women who are still in a position of either being single and longing to be married and have children as well as those who are married and struggling with infertility. My mom was a huge help to me in the hospital while Nadia was in the NICU. When Ian was born in December 2009, she was a huge help by taking care of Nadia at our house while Ian and I were in the hospital. She wasn't able to help me after I had Oliver because the Towfighis were in Maryland, but she did drive up right away to see me for a couple of hours after I gave birth to Oliver.

My mom and Ian in the NICU - December 2009

Mother's Day 2016 was very different for me. I really didn't think as much about those facing infertility. I didn't even think about my children as much that day. My entire focus on Mother's Day went back to my dear, beloved Mom who was battling cancer. Although she was undergoing chemo, my gut told me this was going to be her last Mother's Day here on earth and so I made plans to go down to Maryland to be with her. My in-laws had agreed to watch my kids because my kids hadn't been allowed to come to my parents' house for four months at that point. My mom kept insisting that she didn't need my help and that I should be with my own kids on Mother's Day. On more than one occasion my sister, Wendy, wisely just showed up even when she was told not to come. I wish I had followed her example and came anyway. When I think of my mom my three regrets are #1 that I don't have any pictures of my mom and I (other than big group shots) from the past 25 years, #2 I didn't take pictures of her at Christmas in 2015 (what turned out to be the last chance to get a "healthy" picture before chemo started), and #3 that I wasn't there with her on her final Mother's Day here on earth. I had given her a robe as an early Mother's Day present (when I gave it to her I wasn't certain she'd be alive on Mother's Day so I gave it to her really early), and then I sent her a photo book around Mother's Day. I talked to her on the phone, but I would much rather have been there in person and given her a big hug. I did make a lot of trips to Maryland from January through July last year, and I was there with her on Valentine's Day and her birthday. I'm thankful for every trip I made.

My mom with Oliver in the NICU - August 2012

Mother's Day 2017 is another first for me. My first 44 Mother's Days my mom was alive. This is my 45th and my first in which my mom is in Heaven. As much as my mom loved being a wife, mother, and grandmother, I know this is her best Mother's Day ever as she is with her Savior and has been reunited with her mom and also the babies my parents lost along the way. My mom has been gone for 10 months. I still miss her very, very, very, very much. On many days she was the adult I talked to the most. I miss her hugs, her voice, her emails, her listening ear, her advice on a range of topics from teaching the piano to decorating the house, her love, her generosity, and so much more. My mom and I talked on the phone almost every day (sometimes multiple times a day), and she emailed my siblings and I almost every day (sometimes multiple times a day). Through her emails I knew more of what was going on in my dad's life and my siblings' lives. Although I've talked directly with my Dad and siblings more the past 10 months than I did most of the time the past 20+ years, I definitely feel like I know far less about what is going on in their lives. It's just another adjustment to my mother's absence. She comes to my mind in such a wide variety of instances. I hear a song and think, "my mom would have loved this song," I'm trimming the shrubs and think "my mom would say this bush needs a haircut," I get a new kitchen faucet and wish I could show my mom, the kids make progress on the piano and I wish she could hear them, I long to show her a picture I've taken of one of my children, etc. I am very grateful for the 44 years I had with my mom, and I can't wait to see her again in Heaven some day. She gives the BEST hugs.

I also am very thankful for the privilege of being a mom. It has been as wonderful as I thought it would be and also much harder and more exhausting at times than I anticipated. I loved being a teacher and then a principal and then a professor, but being a homeschooling mother is definitely the best "job" I've ever had. Admittedly, I still have the baby itch. There's a part of me that still longs for one more baby, and Nadia still would love to have a sister, but I realize our family is complete. I am eternally grateful for my three precious gifts. It wasn't that many years ago I thought I might never have even one child, and the Lord graciously gave me three beautiful children. I am so grateful for the past almost nine years of motherhood, and I look forward to the years to come.