Answer is No

The Dean told me today that I cannot bring Nadia to campus any more and must let her know by Friday what my decision will be. I emailed her back to let her know I emailed HR on Saturday and the director told me yesterday she'll call me Thursday (tomorrow) to explain how a parental leave affects health insurance, etc. I told the Dean my husband and I cannot make a decision until we get this information. I also asked her if we could continue this arrangement the rest of the semester presuming that Nadia does not disturb the other faculty since I had asked for permission many months ago. The babysitters have been lined up since April. I feel badly for them if they were counting on this income. I also feel badly for my students to leave them in the middle of the semester. She already responded to my email that I cannot continue this arrangement although she did state it would be a hardship to my department. If I hadn't asked permission, I would feel badly. I did ask permission so I don't feel it is my fault that this hardship has come about. So please pray for Paul and I to have wisdom. Thankfully I was able to talk with the mortgage guy on Monday to change our mortgage to 30 years and reduce how much cash we were investing in the new house so that our payments will be less and we'll have more savings on hand if needed. I have meetings today through 2:30pm. Please pray if you read this now as I feel like crying and need to keep myself together. Nadia is sleeping peacefully in my arms. She's not disturbing anyone and is as safe as can be in my opinion. Time spent with her is priceless to me. I wish I didn't feel so guilty for making this decision to go on leave. I can never get this time back with her. I have plenty of years I can work in the future.

The picture is of Nadia sleeping on Grandma yesterday while I was packing. Last night she slept 4 hours and 45 minutes and then very little after that which wasn't good since she went down at 8:30pm. I guess that's why she's sleeping here so much in my office this morning.

SEVEN Hours!!!

Today Nadia is eleven weeks old! Yesterday I was thinking that it seemed unlikely that she'd be sleeping through the night at 12 weeks like seems to be very common since the longest stretch was 3 1/2 hours on Sunday night. Well I am very, very, very happy to say that she slept 7 hours straight last night for the first time ever. WOOHOOO! She took lots of naps yesterday, and so I planned to keep her up until at least 9pm as I didn't want "get up" time to be 4am again. Well she was just sooo sleepy that I actually put her to bed earlier than usual. She went down hmm I think it was about 7:30, and I went to bed at 8:00. She woke up at 9:15pm and I nursed her for 45 minutes. She was wide awake, and I was exhuasted. I particularly hate to be awakened when I've only slept a little bit. So I handed her to Paul and went back to bed. He said she went down around 10:40. She then SLEPT until 5:45am. WOW! Actually she might have gone a little longer, but I wanted to make sure she was okay and I think turning on the light woke her up. She woke up in a very good mood (no crying), and I assumed she'd REALLY need a diaper change since it hadn't been changed since 9:15pm. (Note - if you hate hearing about diaper stuff then skip the next paragraph)

I was wrong first of all, but I ended up having AWFUL timing. I had just opened her diaper when at that very moment she decided to start pooping. Don't ask me how but it literally was on me, the closet door, the wall, the carpet, the clothing & swaddle lying on the dresser, the bottle of diaper cream, the container of wipes, etc. It was up at least 5 ft high on the wall. Thankfully Paul hadn't left yet (I'm sure he wished he had!) so he helped me for a couple of minutes and then he HAD to leave for school as on T/Th he has to be there at 8am. I nursed her for 45 minutes before I went back upstairs to finish cleaning everything. We shall see how well the Zout did. The stain stick usually works better, but I prefer to use the Zout when I am applying it to wet items, and I needed to rinse them out first. I can always run them through the wash again with the stain stick if the Zout didn't get it all out. Oh and I should add that she also peed while this was going on. I must have the WORST timing. She hadn't pooped since Sunday afternoon and then she poops right after I unfasten her diaper!

8 years ago

Tomorrow marks the 8 year "anniversary" of the day Paul asked me to marry him. It was a Saturday, and I stopped in State College to see him on the way home from my doctoral classes at IUP. Every weekend I would drive out to IUP on a Friday night (4.5 hour drive one way), spend the night at a classmate's house, go to class all day on Saturday, and then drive home that night. Paul was at PSU working on his BS in Math. I was very surprised. I remember what surprised me the most was that he had figured out which weekend would be best for us to get married in 2001 based on his schedule of summer classes at PSU and my schedule as principal. Paul is NOT a calendar type of guy. I doubt he's ever owned one, LOL. Of course I almost NEVER leave the house without a calendar. I've been carrying two in the diaper bag the last several weeks - 2008 and 2009. :-)

The next time I came through State College we went to the Victorian Manor for dinner to celebrate. I had no idea how expensive it was. I just thought it looked like a really pretty restaurant. Actually the bill wouldn't have been AS absurd as it was except we got salads. When they brought caviar and crackers out with our menus I thought oops this must be a really expensive restaurant! Actually the main courses we ordered weren't TOO ridiculous, but when Paul was asked if he wanted a salad he said yes as he thought it was included with the meal. Nope. The salad we ate cost about $15 alone. It was a very special salad though as he ordered ceasar and they wheeled out a cart and made the salad from scratch (including the dressing) right in front of us in a very entertaining manner. It was the most expensive side salad we've ever eaten, lol. Actually we've never spent anywhere near that amount for a meal then or since, but getting engaged was pretty special so in my mind it was worth it. I don't think Paul agrees. He still talks about the size of that bill every now and then. :-) Well he might regret that we ate dinner there, but I know he doesn't regret that he asked me to marry him. :-)

The longest stretch last night was only 3 1/2 hours. She went down easily the first time, but then the second time she woke up (4:00am) she was up for good. Well she went to sleep while I showered and got ready for school. So that makes two days in a row of getting up at 4am for me and no naps and only 6 hours of sleep a night. I am surprised at how well I am functioning on 6 hours of sleep a night when I usually notice the effects when I get less than 8-9 hours a night. Nadia has slept a lot more during the day today than she did yesterday; so I am going to wait longer to put her to bed in the hopes that a later bedtime will mean a later get up time. I was only at work for 5 hours today which was a good thing. Tomorrow I'll be home until about 3:30 when Paul will take over caring for Nadia until I get home at 8pm. Paul's mom is coming over in the morning to spend some time with Nadia so I can get some packing done. Today I did some work for the move - filled out the change of address form (again!) for the Post Office, called the phone company, called the electric company, etc. We move two weeks from tomorrow!

I haven't heard back from the Dean. I think she might have forgotten except as I was leaving today she and I crossed paths (and of course Nadia was in my arms). She asked me how we had left things, and I said she was going to contact HR and let me know what they said. I heard back from the union today, and they said that if my Dean says I can't bring my child to work then I can't. I talked with my dept chair on Friday and he didn't think the Dean was actually going to say I can't bring her. We shall see. My guess is maybe she'll let me finish this semester (presuming Nadia is good and doesn't disturb the other faculty on my hall), but I think I'll have to either take a leave or make other arrangements for Nadia in the spring. Thankfully Nadia was really good today for Ashley. If I work FT this semester maybe I can just teach one course (evening) in the spring and we'd still be eligible for health insurance (albeit I'd need to pay more than we do now). I have asked HR for more info on how this would work if I took a leave next semester. First I need to hear back from the Dean and then we probably have decisions to make.

Nadia definitely sounds worse. Last night her coughing woke both Paul and I up. I've had to remove LOTS of white stuff from her nostrils today or she sounds like she's choking. So I am not too convinced that the Zyrtec or soy formula are doing much since she's been on those for over a week now. Today is my 2nd day of almost no dairy (just cheese). Let me say I am already in missing it! I will only try it a few days. If she doesn't improve then I'm back to eating yogurt, ice cream, etc. If I find she improves, then I'll need to evaluate my choices as a friend of mine told me she became lactose intollerant after she gave up dairy products at one point in her life. I wouldn't want that to happen! I feel so badly that she's been congested for sooo long!!! I hope she feels better SOON.

Trophies

Last night Nadia slept about 7 hours total which meant only 6 for me since I went to bed at 9pm. Since she was up for good after 4am (we both tried a few times to get her back to sleep), I decided to go to the 8:00 service. She slept through most of the service thankfully. We returned the swing we borrowed since she didn't seem to like it very much. Donna gave us more boxes. Thanks, Donna! Paul and I did a little packing. I decided to toss all my childhood trophies. Most of them were from the early 80's from school. Paul was amused by my bowling trophy as he doesn't view me as athletic. He's a much better bowler than I am! I've moved these trophies 3 times in the last 12 years, and they've stayed in the basement all those years. I decided not to move them a fourth time. Only 16 days til we move - yikes!!

There are 2 times when Nadia might have been in the car for trips that exceed 2 hours one way. I have a grant mtg in Shippensburg on the 15th, and we were planning to attend a wedding in Philly on the 20th. Since Nadia doesn't fare too well in her car seat, I've decided just Paul will attend the wedding, and I'm trying to find a babysitter for Nadia for the 15th although it will be hard to be separated from her for 9 hours!!!! Grandma can't do it as she has scans at the hospital that day to see if the chemo worked.

Gas Drops

Paul, Paul's mom, and I have all noticed the last few weeks that Nadia has a lot of gas. Her babysitter this week also noticed and suggested we try gas drops. I emailed the pediatrician on Thursday night about two things: her continued congestion and whether she thought it was good for us to try the gas drops with Nadia. She wrote back on Friday and said yes to the drops so I got some today. Hopefully they'll help her "toot" a little less. I think it does make her uncomfortable and might be the reason sometimes that she is fussy. Of course all these medications taste good so she doesn't mind!

As for the congestion, Dr. M said to keep using the Zyrtec. I said that for the last week we had also switched to soy formula. Nadia gets on average 4 ounces of formula a day. I have started pumping some, but I haven't been doing it enough to have enough for others to give her a bottle. She did seem a little better for a few days so we thought either the soy formula or the Zyrtec were helping, but Paul commented last night that she seemed to be getting worse again, and I agree. The poor girl has been having her nose suctioned several times a day for OVER four weeks now! She actually is somewhat used to the nose spray and doesn't cry every time with that any more. We have gone through TWO bottles of nose spray and she's not even 11 weeks old. So the next thing on the list to try to see if it will clear up Nadia's congestion is for me to give up milk. GULP! Now it's no problem for me to give up milk in particular. I never drink milk. However I usually have a yogurt as part of my breakfast every morning, and I usually have an ice cream treat sometime in the day. Literally there are probably less than 10 days a year when I don't have some ice cream that day. I buy novelties instead of half gallons because then I don't eat too much. It's easier to control the calories if I eat an ice cream sandwich or a Klondike bar than if I scoop out some ice cream into a bowl. Ice cream is just one of my MOST favorite foods. This is true love, Nadia! Although I am wanting her congestion to clear up, I hope we find the cause is something other than me eating dairy products. If it does prove to be the dairy products, I am not sure I'll nurse her for a full year as planned. We shall see. Let me tell you though after YEARS of having a yogurt and an ice cream almost every day, I am going to be in serious withdrawal, LOL! Now if she is allergic to say vegetables or meat, that would be MUCH easier for me! Fruit, carbs, and dairy are my favorite food groups. So anyhow tomorrow will be day #1 of no yogurt or ice cream for me. I'll probably still have a little cheese (such as on my breakfast bagel from Dunkin Donuts for lunch), but that will be it in terms of dairy products. We shall see if this leads to her congestion clearing up or not.

Last night the first stretch was 4 1/2 hours and then she was up for almost two hours (1:45-3:30am). That hadn't happened in awhile, and it was awful timing for it to happen on a night when I was dead tired after having worked 10 hours. The good part of it was that at least today was Saturday. The 2nd stretch was again 3 hours though so maybe we are starting a new trend as for weeks the 2nd stretch has always been at most 2 hours. Today she only took one short nap so I put her to bed a little earlier (8:15). Thankfully she went down easily tonight. So I'd better head to bed shortly myself. Usually I go down when she goes down, but I don't usually put her down at 8:15.

That dress she wore yesterday was size 0-3 months, and it was almost too small! It was the first time she wore it. It was the one dress I bought her while I was pg. It's crazy how much variation there is between clothes that are supposedly the same size. Some 0-3 months fits her perfectly, some are too small, and some are still way too big (mostly pants). The blue 3-6 month dress bought on eBay recently came in this week (for $5), and it is GORGEOUS and is such a great color for her. I can't wait until she's big enough to wear it! The sleeves are WAY too long right now. I weighed her this morning, and it seems she's about 10 lbs now! Our little girl is growing!

Our Little Princess

She loves to stick out her tongue!

Cooing at Mommy! :-)

Sleeping on the boppy at 6:30am while Mommy got dressed for school.

Last night the first stretch was only 4 hours, but then she went back down easily and surprised me by sleeping 3 hours the next stretch (after I just said yesterday that stretch is always 2 hours, LOL). It was a very long day at work - including driving time it was almost 10 hours. She was very good for the babysitter today. Yay! I had packed an extra onesie and dress in case she got poop on this one. I forgot to pack socks and that is the ONE article of clothing that she did get poop on, LOL. So now I know to also pack an extra pair of socks. So many lessons to learn as a Mommy! I am pooped as during all the meetings I was standing to keep Nadia content or keep her asleep as the case may be so I was standing (and bouncing most of the time) for 3 1/2 hours of meetings in addition to standing while teaching for 3 hours so my feet are sore! Paul is trying to put her to bed right now. Hopefully he will succeed as I am ready to crash myself. I am soooo glad tomorrrow is Saturday!!!!

Tough Decision

Last night Nadia slept almost 6 hours the first stretch and then went down easily after I nursed her and of course woke up 2 hours later. I could set my clock by that. She always sleeps 2 hours after I nurse her in the night! So that was a very good night. This morning Donna came over and brought LOTS of boxes and helped me pack. Thanks, Donna!!! The number of packed boxes in the dining room is growing day by day.

This afternoon Nadia and I went to the grocery store and then to meet with the Dean. She fell asleep in the grocery store and thankfully slept through my mtg. The mtg went as I expected in that the Dean doesn't want Nadia in my office. She's checking with HR to see if it would be okay if I signed something waiving all liability, but I think she wants this to stop ASAP even if I sign something. I have a feeling if I truly say then I will take a leave that they'll probably let me finish the semester with this arrangement as I honestly don't think they'd be able to find temps to teach my daytime classes (I'd keep teaching my evening class at least). We ran out of adjuncts this semester. I think I'm the only one not on overload this semester, and still we even had to ask 2 profs in another dept to teach two of our classes. However if I really did have to go on leave the plus would be more time with Nadia and a much less stressful schedule. The cons would be I couldn't apply for a sabbatical this year (which I would take during the year she was two years old) and of course the loss of the majority of our income plus needing to pay MUCH more towards our health insurance. Probably the one course would cover what we'd owe towards health insurance. I have contacted the faculty union to get input on this situation, and I am waiting for the Dean to get back to me after she talks to HR. Paul said "our little peanut has been expelled from the university." Daycare is just not something I am open to right now. She would be there FAR more than 9 hours a week as she'd be there during my office hours and also my driving time. So instead of 9 hours with a babysitter it would probably be at least 21 hours at the minimum (plus Tuesdays with Daddy). She kept saying she didn't think it was safe for Nadia. I really don't get how her getting one on one care around the corner from me is less safe than putting her in daycare. These babysitters both work in day care centers as a matter of fact (one of them works at the one on campus no less). So I'd greatly appreciate prayer for wisdom after I hear back from the Dean if she says Nadia can't come with me any more. I've waited sooo long and we've gone through sooo much to become parents. I don't want to miss out on all that time with her! If you think of us tomorrow I'd also appreciate prayer as Nadia and I will be at school from 7:15am to 4:30pm. I will be pooped tomorrow night!!!

Priceless

Yesterday was quite an emotional day with various highs and lows. I'll start with the bad news and save the best (what was priceless) for last.

1. It was really hard to leave Nadia yesterday as she was upset when I left (Grandma was there and was about to leave and Daddy had just come home from school). It was the longest we were ever separated (6 1/2 hours). I am going to try really hard not to ever have a meeting to attend that early on a Tuesday again. I can't believe how much I missed her given she's only been in my arms for 10 weeks.

2. The worst news of the day was that the Dean wants to meet with me on Thursday to discuss Nadia being in my office. She's concerned about "liability issues." I refuse to put her in daycare at 10 weeks old so if this plan cannot work then I'll be taking unpaid maternity leave which will be great to be a SAHM for awhile but awful financially. I had asked permission MANY months ago of my dept chair if this would be allowed. I'd appreciate prayers that the mtg will go well with her. I am happy to sign something saying I'll waive any liability for the university for her. I burst into tears when I heard the message from my dept chair about this meeting. I wish we could just do it today instead of waiting until 3pm tomorrow especially as Nadia and I will have to make a special trip just for this mtg.

3. Nadia napped really well yesterday. Her first two naps were mostly on me which hadn't happened in a long time as I've been trying to get her to sleep in the crib, but I really enjoyed it. It's so special to have her snuggled on me. She then slept 2 hours for Paul in the crib when I was at school. Also she went down to bed VERY easily last night. I got home at 8:00pm and nursed her for 45 minutes and then put her in her crib awake and she "talked" in a happy voice for about 25 minutes and then fell asleep. NO crying. Wow. I wish it would always be that easy!!! She slept 4 hours and then I nursed her for an hour and she again went down easily. The problem was then she slept her usual 2 hours more which meant she woke up at 4am so I've been up since 4am. :-( Right now I am in my office and she's asleep on me. I will transfer her to the pack n play in a few minutes and hopefully she'll sleep the first couple of hours that Angela has her. Today is Angela's first day babysitting Nadia.

4. The moment which also brought tears but happy ones this time was when Paul's mom was watching Nadia while I was packing. I took a break and came over to say hi to my little girl and she LIT UP like a Christmas tree. I have never seen her smile so big so purposefully as she looked in my eyes and started cooing away. Of course I smiled back and then she smiled some more. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. I wished for a camera to take a picture or a video. I hope I can etch it in my memory for years to come. Such a beautiful sight those smiles were and those beautiful little cooing sounds coming from her mouth. She loves me, and of course I love her!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was priceless. I'll take some photos later today of her in her jeans (the preemie jeans still fit her, lol) and post them. She fits in well with the average college student's attire except most aren't wearing a shirt that says "I love my daddy," LOL.

Double Digits!!!

Nadia is TEN weeks old today. Such a big girl! :-) I know to those of you who gave birth to 10+ lb babies she's still small, but considering she only weighed 5lbs the first couple weeks of her life, she seems big at 9+ lbs! Yesterday was a very rough day (lots of crying and very little sleeping), but I can tell today is going to be a MUCH better day. YAY! Maybe it's because she knows Grandma is coming today? :-) Really there have been only two days in the last 9 weeks since she's been home that she's cried a lot with me - last Thursday which I attributed to the shots and yesterday (not sure why). Usually as long as I hold her she's fine (can't say the same for Daddy unfortunately). It hit me this morning that both days she slept very little. So I think that's the key. She's in a VERY happy mood this morning. I could tell when I was nursing her at 5:45am that today would be a good day. I was even able to put her in her crib awake and she was making happy sounds while I got a shower. Wow. That is utterly amazing as usually she screams if she's awake and not in my arms.

Last night it was very hard to get her down, but once I got her down about 10:15pm (which meant she'd been awake for 8 hours!) she slept for almost 5 hours. The good news was that after nursing her an hour she went back down easily. I've decided that her sleeping through the night is not as big of a deal to me right now as her going back to sleep after I've nursed her an hour. If we could get into a routine of me nursing her one hour a night (say 3-4am) that would be fine. It's when it then takes me another hour to get her down that I get really frustrated and more exhausted. After that first long stretch then next stretch is predictably 2 hours at the most, but that would work out fine on days I am taking her to school. Tuesdays are the day that normally she won't come to school. I have a mtg at 2pm though today so either I'll need to pump at school OR she'll need to come with me and Paul will need to come get her at say 4pm and take her home then. I know I would be in pain if I didn't nurse or pump from 1:30-8:00 pm. I've never pumped at work before. Well we shall see which option Paul prefers. He's at PSU now. I didn't get any packing done yesterday, but I plan to get a lot done this morning while Paul's mom is here. I'll take a photo showing how many boxes I have packed thus far. I am making progress!
Now if we could just get Nadia's congestion to clear up! It's been almost FOUR weeks now of her being all stuffed up. :-(

I finally clipped her fingernails for the first time. I had been peeling them off before. She had scratched herself, Paul, and I with them so they definitely needed clipped. I am not sure why I was so scared to do it as it was very easy to use the little clippers on her while she was nursing. I won't wait so long to use them next time. Silly Mommy!

Scale

A couple of weeks ago I bought a new scale as the one we had didn't seem too accurate and it was very hard to read (especially without glasses or contacts on). So I bought a digital scale, and it seems to be pretty accurate both in measuring my weight compared to the doctor's office as well as Nadia's (when I weigh her with me), and even without glasses or contacts I can read it!  I weighed Nadia this morning, and I'd say she's gained 1/2 lb in the last 6 days as she weighed 9lb 9 1/2 oz with her diaper, onesie, and socks on. So she seems to be gaining at her usual pace of one ounce a day. At that pace she'll weigh about 13 pounds at her 4 month appt.

Today she's wearing a newborn size onesie (they still fit her but there's no room for growth whereas the 0-3 month size onesies also fit with a little room for growing) and 0-3 month pants. These pants are too big but unlike some of the other 0-3 month size pants I bought her on Saturday at least they aren't hanging past her feet by a few inches. Paul likes her outfit today. He prefers anything that's not pink. If she will have an expression other than crying later today I'll post a photo. It's been a very tearful day for her although FINALLY I got her down for a nap at 12:20, and she and I both slept 2 hours. Last night the longest stretch was only 4 hours. We went from a 6 hour stretch on Fri pm to 5 hours on Sat pm to 4 hours on Sun pm, and again it took us four hours to get her to bed. We can get her to sleep long before then, but she'll last anywhere from 5-20 minutes before she wakes up crying and we have to go at it again.

Putting her to sleep is a full-time job requiring FAR more than 8 hours a day of my time. It took me over 3 hours to get her down for her nap this morning. I took her in the sling for a walk and by 9am she was asleep and I kept walking for 20 minutes to make sure she was really out and then put her in the crib but alas she woke up less than 5 minutes later. I had her to sleep again an hour later but that nap was also very short (20 minutes tops). Of course I had tried nursing her in bed somewhere along the way (along with rocking in the rocking chair, etc.), but in the end that was the trick that worked (she slept in bed with me) when I went back to try it again. I never recall caring for a baby who took THIS much effort to put to sleep. For example I was up with her from 3-4am last night trying to get her back down after nursing her from 2-3am. Sometimes putting her to bed awake works (it worked at 4am) whereas others it doesn't (such as at 3am when I rescued her after she cried for 15 minutes).