Discouraged

Well yesterday was a long day. It was too long really. I wasn't feeling well at all part way through handbells. I had a splitting headache for one thing. Mostly I just felt like I needed to be in bed at that very moment. Two weeks ago I left rehearsal at 8pm, but last night I was trying to stay until the end since I had missed the rehearsal the week before. I left at 8:15 because I knew I just couldn't stay one more minute. When I got home I took off my coat and immediately climbed in bed. Paul had told me that Nadia went down at 7pm so I was going to bed 2 hours after her which I knew wasn't a good thing. I decided last night not to go to Bible study this morning as I realized that if I did I would be home about 90 minutes between 8:30am and 8:15pm, and I knew I didn't want two long days in a row. I had worked really hard yesterday to finish my Bible study lessons so I was ready for the study today, and I had rated the applicants for 4 jobs at my university (19 of them) yesterday so I'd be ready for my search and screen meeting that will start at 2pm today. I really did intend to go to the study this morning until I realized how tired I was last night.

Well there proved to be other reasons not to go to study this morning such as Nadia woke up at 4:30am (the previous feeding had been from 1:30-2:00). I nursed her from 4:30-5:00. She cried from 5:00-5:15. I nursed her from 5:15-5:30. She cried from 5:30-5:45 and so I brought her to bed and let her nurse in bed until 6:30, and then I got up. Although I was horizontal for part of that time, really I have been up since 4:30am which means I got 7 hours of sleep total. I know that is a lot compared to back when she was less than 12 weeks old, but it's just not enough for me. I am tired.

So I sit down at my computer at 6:30am while eating breakfast as I hadn't be on it for 12 hours (long time for me, LOL), and found a really, really harsh anonymous email from a student (who was to be representing several students) that had been sent not only to me but also my chair and Dean. I have never received such an email or anything close to it before. My student evals since I started teaching at the college level in January 2003 have been very positive. It's very frustrating when a student doesn't come to you (and I think I'm a very approachable person) and then goes right straight above you (first time this happened to me). The person admitted the stimulus for the email was their frustration over one quiz. I wish they had just come to me about that. Instead they got all worked up and proceeded to critique every aspect of the course and give their input whether an assignment was a good one or not and whether it should be worth more points or whatever. It was all done in a VERY harsh tone. I wish I had read the email last night. The reason I say that is that when something upsetting happens to me it takes me a little while to process it and get over it emotionally. I teach this class tonight. I am feeling very emotional at the moment. I did respond to a FEW of the concerns in an email to the whole class (since I have no idea who wrote the email) and sent that to my dept chair and Dean as well. The Dean is away. The dept chair wrote back that he thought my email was good and he wasn't concerned as he has never heard anything negative about me before and said sometimes these things happen. Well I don't want to dwell on this or I'll just get more upset.

Even though Nadia was awake since 4:30am, she didn't want to take much of a nap in her crib. The first attempt at 9:00 lasted 15 minutes, and the second attempt at 9:50 lasted 25 minutes. So she is now sleeping on my lap on the boppy as Momma is too stressed out to try to get her to take a nap in the crib right now. Well I leave for work in 3 hours and hopefully can get myself together before then. I think a good cry would help. I also need to make dinner so Paul has something to eat (he'll be watching Nadia from 1-8pm today since I have a committee meeting at 2pm before my office hours and class) and finish grading some papers.