I can't do it all!

I had a bit of a meltdown on Tuesday. Every spare minute had been consumed with my online classes - holding office hours via Wimba while taking care of a 25 and 7 month old isn't easy. I kept trying to keep the kids entertained with as little interaction from me so that I could grade, grade, and grade some more. By the time I went to bed at 9:30pm I felt like I had spent more time grading than with my kids. Periodically I tell Paul I just want to stay at home with the kids. I was at home with them (aside from my trips to the doctor's offices) the past 6 weeks. What I mean is I want to quit my job. I would never quit without a reasonable amount of notice, so I was trying to figure out if I could become a SAHM in January. I looked over the budget to figure out how much we typically spend in a year (not counting expenses like trading in my car this year). I was trying to see if Paul's $20K annual stipend plus our savings would be enough to carry us through until he graduates. I came to the conclusion that we'd have enough for me to stay home for 2 years. The problem is that we wouldn't have any savings for things like trading in Paul's car or possibly doing ivf again (I still toy with the idea of doing it once more). The bigger problem is that we don't have a guarantee that he'll finish in 2 years. Then we'd really be in a pickle. I haven't put in any requests for leave for spring 2011 or beyond yet. I had been given 50% off for the fall, but I'm actually going to be working full-time (three nights plus one online class from home). I don't need to continue to work FT. We can definitely survive with me just working PT. Anyhow, I finished most of the grading last night and also made a lot of progress for getting everything ready to go for the fall courses. I woke up this morning not feeling overwhelmed.

However today was a busy day. I was asked (on Tuesday) to attend a 5 hour meeting at another university (about 50 minutes away) today. I was gone for 6.5 hours including driving time. It was the longest I've ever been separated from Ian (not counting while he sleeps at night). It was hard, especially when they asked me about him. I had brought Ian to a similar meeting in May, so several told me they were expecting to see Ian today. He's too active now to sit quietly in a meeting for 5 hours. When I got home I decided to take advantage of the MUCH cooler temps and take the kids to the playground. The carseats weren't in my car (so Beth could take them with her to the mall) so I took them via the stroller. If the stroller could go over train tracks, the trip would be much shorter. It's still not too bad (about 20 minutes each way). In fact on days it's not raining or super hot, I'd like to make this a regular part of our daily routine as it's a great way for me to get 40 minutes of exercise. They were both content on the way down, and Ian took a short, late 3rd nap on the way back.

The meeting hadn't been on my calendar for long. What had been on my calendar for MONTHS for today was to attend a FFH concert at Knoebels this evening. I was going to meet my friend, Cheri. I was going to leave at 6pm. When Paul still wasn't home at 6:15, I called my friend to cancel. I was disappointed as I haven't done dinner or a concert or lunch with a friend for more than 8 months (aside from Paul). Part of the reason I cancelled was because Cheri and I do also have plans for next Friday night. Tonight's concert was free. I bought our tickets for next week. I'm not going to cancel those plans unless I really can't go. The other reason I cancelled was because I was tired. I had left at 8am this morning and wouldn't have gotten home until after 10pm this evening if I had gone to the concert. I also would have spent over 3 hours on the road. Right now I wish I was at the concert, but I'm going to be able to go to bed earlier than I would have if I went. Deep in my heart I know I made the right decision. I can't do it all!

I am trying to think of ways to make life manageable over the next few months. I am definitely going to do another freezer cooking day sometime over the next 2 weeks and continue to do that once a month. Yesterday I had Nadia play in her room during Ian's morning nap while I was in Paul's office (right across from her bedroom). It was a win-win situation. She had fun, and I was able to just focus on schoolwork. Yes, I am capable of multitasking, but I'd like to do less of it. I'd like to have more time that's devoted JUST to my kids. I feel like I'm physically here but many times am working on my laptop rather than finger painting or playing with PlayDoh. I spent a lot of time with them Wednesday and Thursday, and it felt great. I had planned to try to add aerobics into my schedule. I am delighted with the idea of walking to the park several times a week instead. That plan won't work in the winter, but it should work in the other three seasons.

I need to keep brainstorming ways to make my to do list manageable. Sometimes it means saying "no." I just recently added one thing to my plate in that I agreed to teach (on a quarterly rotating basis) the 5th and 6th grade Sunday School class at church. I'm definitely not ready to have any other fruits or veggies growing on our property. I made apple butter yesterday. It's very tasty, but these apple projects are time consuming. I still have a LOT of apples sitting in my kitchen waiting to be given away, made in applesauce, made into apple crisp, etc. I've always been one to buy shredded cheese. I know it would be cheaper to shred it myself, but I don't care. Saving money is not always most important. Sometimes saving time is more important. Plus I'm not the greatest with knives anyhow. I often manage to cut myself. We are going to pay someone to install the garbage disposal. Paul has done that before, but he can't do it all either. I also have been trying to schedule someone to come clean our ducts. I'm hoping this might help my allergies. I've also (for over 2 months) been seriously considering paying people to come clean the house. That totally goes against my penny pinching tendencies. I also have this sense that I shouldn't need that help. That I should be able to juggle all these balls, but we can afford it (I think - I don't know what it costs). If I was a SAHM I wouldn't even consider it. If I tell myself that doing this will enable me to have more time with my kids, then it totally seems worth it, and it's true. Lots of things to consider, but my kids are one of my highest priorities - not my job or the cleanliness of my house or flowerbeds.