Battle of the wills

Each of our three children has very different personalities. Anyone who thinks that it's all just "nurture" and "nature" doesn't play a part must never have had two or more children. Nadia, for example, has always been very brave whether that means wanting to ride any roller coaster she's tall enough to ride or singing a solo. Ian is much braver now, but even going up or down a staircase has been terrifying to him at various times in his life. I don't see how these differences could have anything to do with how they've been nurtured. Nadia is definitely the most naturally compliant of our three kids. The downside of her lack of stubbornness is that she needs to develop more perseverance. The only area in which Ian and Nadia have been openly defiant over the past almost 9 years was with eating. Both of them have at times refused to eat a vegetable or some food that they deemed offensive. Ironically sometimes Ian would make that determination before he even tried the food, and sometimes hours later when he finally took the first bite he'd discover he actually liked it.

Thankfully those food battles are now very few and far between. Ian sometimes doesn't obey, but it's usually more a case of ignoring what he's been asked to do rather that openly refusing to comply. Sometimes it's because he's in his own little world and actually hasn't heard what I said. I know I repeat myself with him far more than I should. We need to work on that.

I've never had food battles with Oliver. He loves vegetables and is willing to try just about every food. Oliver has sometimes initially refused to do something (ex. go to kids' choir rehearsal which he says is boring) but when I remind him of the consequences of disobedience, then he would choose to obey, although not necessarily with a good attitude. Last week he fought me on going to soccer practice on Monday and Wednesday plus to gym class on Friday, but he DID go to soccer practice with cajoling on my part, and when he started throwing up at 2:00am on Thursday, I thought that was the reason he hadn't wanted to be at practice a few hours earlier. Knowing he was

sick, I let him skip gym class on Friday. But I wasn't expecting him to object to soccer this week as he's feeling fine now. And this week it didn't matter what I told him the consequences would be, he refused. I eventually gave up and took him home and had to follow through with the myriad of consequences I had said would await him. He was very upset about these, and we kept talking about it. "If you participate in practice and do what Coach Vanessa asks you to do then you can have a piece of your Easter candy, play the iPad again", etc., and he kept telling me that he was going to be good. But then when we started to get ready yesterday he started objecting again, and at the soccer field he was again 100% defiant. Last night at AWANA I only let him have a hotdog and water - no lemonade, no chips, no jello, no cookies, etc. With the other two I was always able to figure out a consequence (either positive or negative) that would motivate them to make a good choice (ex. tell Ian he can't play with his Legos) but evidently I haven't figured it out for Oliver. I am determined to win this battle of the wills. He

thinks he's in charge as in he'll decide what he does or doesn't do and when it's over. He'll announce "I'm done" in a practice and walk off the field, and I have to tell him that he's done when the coach says he's done.  Oliver doesn't have a favorite toy or something he's really passionate about and that is in part what makes it harder to have a consequence that motivates him. He never asks for anything for his birthday or Christmas. He's not materialistic, which is awesome, but then it means it's harder to come up with something to take away from him that will be painful for him to do without.

I taught hundreds of middle schoolers and honestly never had any trouble with classroom management. I always found a way to motivate a child to behave so it was a shocking experience for me this week to have Oliver twice defy me and nothing I said or did had any effect. I told Paul that we need to give him far fewer choices for the time being. He needs to get lots of practice doing exactly what we say, when we say it so he realizes who are the bosses in his life. Tomorrow morning is homeschool gym class, and I will be expecting him to participate. Saturday at 12:30 he has a soccer game. Hopefully he will cooperate and enjoy the game. He had said he wanted to play on a soccer team. I want him to finish out this season, which lasts six more weeks after this Saturday's game.

As you can see from the pictures, the kids had their Grand Prix at AWANA last night. Each car is raced in four heats. Our kids have never won any of the trophies, but they always have fun. They give out three trophies to the three fastest cars and three trophies to the three with the best design. A fifth grade girl who is one of our neighbors won first place for design this year. Her car looked like a piano. The second place car for design looked like an acoustic guitar. Mario had to be bent down on Ian's car so that he could cross the finish line without being decapitated. Nadia was petting her guinea pig car before racing it. I can't believe Nadia only has two more years of AWANA. In the fall of 2019 she will start going with me to church on Wednesday nights as the middle school youth group meets from 6:30-8:10 on Wednesdays, which is the same time my choir rehearsals are held.