Okay I admit I was really nervous about what comments people might make to me after they found out I am not pregnant. Mostly however I have to say people actually said the "right" things and in many cases that was admitting they didn't know what to say. Only two people really said something that hurt. I know they meant well. I realy do know that. In both cases they had taken the time to send me a card - one e-card and one through the mail. That was SUCH a kind, thoughtful gesture which I truly do appreciate. So I am not trying in any way to pick on these people. And they are not readers of my blog so I am not worried about hurting their feelings through this post. So why write this post? Well just in case any of my readers have a friend or family member who does IVF in the future I just wanted to throw this out there as what NOT to say to someone who has had a failed IVF.
The first comment was in an e-card I got on the 17th. The line that really hurt said something like "remember we don't get everything we want in life." Of course that statement is true, but I think it's TOTALLY in appropriate to say when someone is grieving a loss. No one would think of making such a comment to someone who just had a relative or friend pass away. This wasn't a case of hoping conception would occur and it didn't. This was a case of losing triplets that were alive within me at one point.
I think the bottom line is that I wanted people to acknowledge that three babies died inside me. I know it was really early, and I am sure had I seen three heartbeats on an ultrasound and then lost the babies after that it would have been worse. But that doesn't mean I didn't lose three little babies. From the moment I knew we had seven embryos I felt like a Mom to each of them, and I was praying countless times a day for all seven babies. Of course I prayed even more intensely for the three dots that I saw on the ultrasound as they traveled to my uterus. I have a picture of that moment thanks to a kind doctor. Yes, I know they were microscopic and I wasn't seeing them in particular but rather the fluid they were traveling in but truly we all watched three little dots move across the screen. Anyhow to me this was an early miscarriage. I realize that many couples probably have lost babies this way and they have no idea conception had occured because the baby was lost prior to implantation or shortly after that so they never knew about the life or lives that were within them. But I knew! I wanted all three babies to live. I believe even if I had gotten pregnant, as ELATED as I would have been, if I had found out I was only carrying one or two babies, I still would have had a little grieving to go through for the one or two that we lost. I even felt that way on August 7 when I found out only one of the four embryos was frozen. Yes, I was happy one had continued to grow, but I was sad for the three we had already lost. That I think is a really hard part about IVF. You know how many tiny embryos you have at one point and it's highly unlikely that many (or even possibly any) will make it. When it happens when a couple is trying on their own, they don't know it happened so there is not as much grief involved although of course failing to get pregnant can involve a grieving process as well. There is a difference though between grieving the loss of something you hoped would happen and didn't versus grieving the loss of little babies who were alive and are no longer. I really think a failed IVF is emotionally almost identical to a miscarriage.
The second annoying comment came in the mail today. "We were saddened to learn of your recent disappointment." Ditto on what I said above. I wish it said "of your recent loss." Disappointment implies to me something didn't happen that you wanted to happen. It happened. God allowed 7 little babies to come into existence, but for whatever reason it wasn't His will for 6 of the 7 to still be alive at this point. We don't know yet what the outcome will be for our 7th baby. I know I am not alone in feeling this way as a woman on an IVF discussion board this week who found out she was not pregnant wrote a similar post. Someone also used the disappointed word with her and she said "devastated" would be far more appropriate than disappointed. I don't think anyone would use the word "disappointment" if a couple lost a baby later in a pregnancy.
Okay I'll get off my soap box. Again I truly do understand that these people meant well, and I am not holding it against them in any way. I am only saying something just in case my sharing my thoughts/feelings could help someone else down the road with what they do/don't say to someone who has experienced a similar loss.
4 comments:
Oh Ruth, you brought back some tender memories for me. After my losses I remember those hurtful comments. I could have wrote a book on what NOT to say. What really struck me in your post is the same feeling I had. ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. Please acknowledge these BABIES, they were for real and my hurt was real as well. {{hugs}} to you. I know what your going through
Ruth, oh, I can definitely see where there would be some ouchiness to those comments... I hope you are spared any more of them...
Praying for you as you grieve your several losses...
Shelly
Tamera Rae, many more "what not to say" type comments were made to me in 2005 with the ectopic such as "at least now you know you can get pg" or "this was a step in the right direction" or "don't you know you're more fertile after a m/c" etc. I admit I was bracing myself this time for a similar list. But mostly it didn't happen thankfully. I will say the difference was in that case if I got a card it was a sympathy card. More people in 2005 did acknowledge I had lost a baby. I didn't get any sympathy cards this time. The cards I got were more generic encouragement ones as I think people didn't feel a sympathy card was appropriate this time although to me it was just as appropriate as it was with the miscarriage in 2005. Anyhow it's always comforting to realize I am not alone. I am sorry you know what it feels like ((((hugs))).
It's such a tragedy that most people, "even" in the Church, don't have a clue what to say... because they refuse to enter into the life of the other, refusing to embrace their pain and suffering. And when they refuse to do that, consciously or unconsciously, they can only stand high and mighty above the wounded and grieving, and offer "comforting" words that sting more than they comfort.
I love you!
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