Very Frustrated!

Last night I put Ian down at about 9:45pm and went to bed hoping to sleep 5-6 hours. That didn't happen, but it wasn't because Ian woke up this time. For some odd reason I had developed several clogged milk ducts by 1:15am. I have no idea why. This didn't happen on Wednesday night even when Ian slept 6 hours! I lay there trying to decide what to do. I figured my options were to pump, wait until he woke up, or wake him up. My preference was to wait until he woke up because I was afraid if I pumped that I might not have enough for him when he did wake up and also because I wanted to train my body that it's okay to go 5-6 hours at night without nursing or pumping. After lying there in pain for 90 minutes, I finally decided to wake him up at 2:45am. I figured he had slept 5 hours (longer than any stretch the previous night), and I was afraid if I pumped at that point I definitely wouldn't have enough as I figured he'd sleep at the most one more hour (although of course I'll never know for sure how long he would have slept.). In retrospect, I wish I had gotten up at 1:15 and just pumped a little bit - maybe even just used the hand pump I was given during my January hospital stay. I am not sure why I viewed it as all or nothing in terms of pumping. I guess I'm not always thinking clearly at 1:15am after only sleeping 3.5 hours, LOL.

I know some babies can nurse while they're asleep - a "dream feed" as some call it. Well that never happened with Nadia, and I can pretty much guarantee it will never happen with Ian as he's much worse in the nursing department than she was. Getting him latched on is still not an easy task. Many times he does this head bobbing thing for one thing. I will say it didn't take TOO long for him to latch on this time. I wasn't sure how it would go since it had been a long time since I've woken him up to feed him. He nursed well, but then unlike the last few nights, he didn't go back down easily. I started trying at 3:40, and here it is 4:15am, and I'm still up. At moments like these I wonder why do I want so badly to nurse rather than formula feed? If he were a formula baby, I wouldn't have been awake the past 3 hours. I really don't prefer to be awake from 1:15-4:15am. Right now I am trying to decide whether to keep trying to get him to sleep in the Nap Nanny or just give up and bring him to bed with us. The least amount of time he's stayed in the Nap Nanny 6 of the last 7 nights (not counting Monday night which was a pitiful 2 hours) was 6.5 hours and the longest ever was 7.5 hours total. (later) I ended up taking him to bed with me. He was sleeping soundly whereas I wasn't sleeping at all so I took him back down at 4:30, and he slept there for 40 minutes. I nursed him until 5:30 and then gave him to Paul. I stayed in bed until 6:10 (when Nadia woke up) but didn't get much sleep because my stomach was growling.

The scale has only heightened my frustration this morning. Ian's not gaining. Based upon what he weighed on Tuesday, Ian should have hit 8lb tomorrow. Instead he weighs exactly the same amount as he did on Tuesday. Nadia struggled the first 2 weeks, but from week 2 to week 4 she gained a pound, and she kept gaining from that point forward. She weighed 9lbs at her 2 month appt, 12.5 lbs at her 4 month appt, 15.5 lbs at 6 months, etc. I don't know what the problem is. Today I am going to call the lactation specialist from the hospital I was in last month. It's very, very discouraging to put so much effort into nursing (pumping at work, etc.) and not be rewarded when I weigh Ian. Over the past 7 days he's only had a total of 2oz of formula, but I might start supplementing. I want size 0-3 month clothes to fit him. I don't want to feel his ribs when I'm burping him. I can't stand to give him a bath - not just because he hates it but also because he feels so very skinny. I want him to gain weight is the bottom line. He's wearing a size 1 diaper today as I ran out of newborn size (they were out of them the last time I was at Walmart).